strawberrycat's journal

[strawberrycat]

Hello, I'm not too sure how I should start one of these, but recently I've been looking around on this board for a little bit and I have a general idea of what I can write about in my own recovery journal. I've been journaling on a mostly consistent basis for around six years and have both physical and digital journals; but I've never had one like this where other people can see what I write and respond back, so I am kind of nervous about this. I feel like it's something I need to do though in order to practice opening up since I've been so closed-off for a long time; and I hope I can actually commit myself to posting on here.


It's obvious to me that I've gone unheard my whole life - I don't think there is anyone who really knows my whole story or the extent of all the psychological pain I've been through. Actually talking about myself beyond surface level things and letting someone get to know me on a more intimate level feels like one of the scariest things I could ever do. It'd require that I trust another person enough to feel able to share all of those sensitive things - my deepest thoughts, feelings, and childhood wounds. I still don't know if I could ever do that, although the more I progress in my healing, the more I think about opening up to the idea of it more, as a risk I will have to take if I'm ever going to have a healthy and real emotional connection with someone.


In my introduction post I mentioned how I had experienced a few different trauma re-enactments all online a handful of years ago, and how it may make me reluctant to interact with the other members of the forum. I'm still trying to move past all of it and not let my fear control me so much, but I get the sense that this fear might always be with me in some form; of course I'd like to avoid being retraumatized by people I meet on the internet all over again, or just people in general. However, I've come to the conclusion that talking to people on here, even if we're all anonymous and technically strangers to each other, feels a lot more safe and controlled than talking with someone one-on-one in an online setting. The chances of being invalidated, rejected, or dismissed definitely don't feel as high - I'm still a little cautious though, since nothing is full-proof.


I will probably write about my trauma history in segments instead of all at once in one super long post, so as to not overwhelm myself or anyone who decides to read my journal. The main bulk of my trauma is emotional/psychological in nature, so I don't think there will be any super graphic descriptions of anything physically or sexually disturbing, but I will put trigger warnings throughout just in case. I don't know how much detail I'll put, but I still feel a bit weird to be telling what feels like my life story to a forum on the internet, but I suppose that's a given lol. I said I would write about things in segments, but my posts will probably still be pretty long and may feel like one essay after another, as I have a lot bottled up inside of me. Of course, no one is obligated to read anything I write here and only respond if you want to.

[Chart]

I'm here strawberrycat. Take your time. Do what feels right and natural. I've found its a growing process for me. Looking back and remembering and rereading my journal I can really see how I've changed. And the support and advice the whole time from others is inestimable in value. It's never easy, but for me at least it has saved my sanity, if not my life.