Putting the puzzle together

[Marcine]

Hi friends, I've recently put the puzzle together of my past. I'd like to share it here.
On the maternal side of my family, ancestors left Poland in the 1860's to settle in Wisconsin. The Polish heritage was seen as shameful and buried in denial.
On the paternal side, there are several generations of abusive alcoholics.
These lineages converged in me, 1st born child to my parents in the 1960's. They expected a boy, I arrived a female with a deformity—- a club foot that required surgery and casts starting in the first weeks of life.
In the cast from hip to toes, my parents took me to India when I was 6 months old. They told me stories of how they handed me to strangers in restaurants who carried blonde-haired, white-skinned baby-me into back kitchens of India and Burma.
I see now how emblematic this was of the total lack of attachment between me and my mother. It shows her deep cluelessness and profound carelessness.
My father was a predator. My mother was glad to pawn him off. On me, her daughter.
As far back as I remember, my survival mask was good-girl, caretaker, hyper-empath, smart, performer. It was never enough. I cut off more parts of me, submerging more questions. I couldn't get things to add up. I tried harder. Disavowed myself more. All the while battling a sense that it wasn't right, but driven to survive.
I served in the Peace Corps in Africa and received the gifts of perspective and humanity. I felt a greater sense of community and belonging there, as the only outsider in a small village without electricity or running water, than I ever had in my life.
It was the beginning of an awakening and a recalibration... and my parents hated it.
"Get back here and be who you used to be!" My mother said.
Breast cancer was a further wake-up call for me to never return to the despair of self-abandonment and conditional affection.
It has taken decades to piece this saga together, to set down the heavy yoke, and to begin to connect with my authentic self.
It seems so tidy all written out here, but the process has been spiral, filled with dead ends, back tracking, and doubts. I still face terrifying flashbacks, but am able to recognize them sooner and self-soothe more.
I still am working on being my own best friend. I still long for connection with other authentic souls.
But breathing the air of self-acceptance is amazing!
So, onward.
Thank you for reading. I welcome your feedback and thoughts.

[NarcKiddo]

You have done an excellent job, both of piecing all this together and, most importantly, of befriending yourself.

It is a very strange experience to find out we do not really know who we are and then having to find out, all by ourselves, with no help from our parents. This process should have been well on the way by the end of childhood.

I am really happy that you awoke and re-calibrated. The fact your parents hated it was very likely an extra indicator that it was the right thing to do. I know from my own experience that when I get pushback and objection from mine it is certainly not because they have my best interests at heart.

[Marcine]

Thank you for the supportive words, NK

[Dalloway]

Marcine, the work you´ve done is very inspirational. I wish you all the best on your healing journey. 

[Marcine]

Thanks, Dalloway

[Kizzie]

breathing the air of self-acceptance is amazing!

This is so simple and yet so elegant when it comes to recovery Marcine! Well done you for all the honest exploration you've done about your trauma and who you are authentically underneath all of that.

[Marcine]

Thank you, Kizzie, I'm a work in process!
It feels good and very special to be able to share the progress here 

[Kizzie]