What to say...

[Blue_Jays]

I am spending a lot of time alone, and it has been good and also really hard. I've been trying to "fix" myself, which I think is part of my current problem. All the things I am doing are "good" for me, but I think I have been approaching them from the wrong place. Many of the things I am trying to do are helping, but my constant anxiety really gets in the way. "There always needs to be a solution" says one part of me. And there is! I have added seeking help from my doctor, and I have been prescribed a SSRI. As someone with anxiety, I have a lot of anxiety about taking this help. They sit on my counter, as I decide what makes sense for me. I would like to think I can will myself into being better.. but as I tally the years I have felt terrible it turns into my whole life (minus times when I was a bit stronger and passionate about our (My) survival). As a kid I was barely allowed a pain-killer, so there are also some challenges around what I was taught by my parents- to fear doctors and modern medicine and the general "you're fine".

I have been struggling with my relationships. Mainly that I do not have the energy to take on anything new. I am so overwhelmed by my own life that I find simple conversations can be tiring or awkward. And big conversations leave me frozen. My things are often too big for people to understand, which makes sharing really hard. I use to overshare all the time, but that has gotten a lot better with time and distance from my abusers. But when it happens now it is because I simply do not think the person is hearing me. They are looking for solutions to their own problems through my experience, and not seeing that what I just shared was really hard for me to say. I don't want to be anyone's shoulder to cry on these days, it is too triggering to be unheard.

I have a lot of strong and intense bonds with some people, but we bonded over pain, and that no longer works for me. It is hard to set boundaries now that they see me as an outlet for their big problems, and have seen me that way for many years. Slowing trying to quit being the "therapy friend".

[Blue_Jays]

I have recently reconnected with my youngest sister. It has been nice to be there for her, and have someone to talk to that gets certain things about our family. However, I am having a bit of a hard time knowing what is real and what is a lie in the relationship. Our family has a lying problem. We blow things out of proportion, and we all do it. I am trying to be supportive, and use my own experiences to see that what she is saying is either a lie or the truth, or simply how she is feeling. I feel bad not trusting her, but I am so scared of it opening me up to further abuse from other family members.

I have been keeping the phone calls short, and encouraging. But I leave every call either crying or in need of a nap.

I am so used to supporting my family, that it is taking a lot out of me to fight against that. I can't fix their lives. But I so badly want to, or a part of me does.

Boundaries are hard. How do I keep this connection without it killing me?

[sanmagic7]

him bluejays, glad you're here.

a lot of what you've written seems quite familiar.  making positive changes for yourself can be challenging, especially when you're in the beginning stages of self-awareness, self-realization, etc.  what's helped me get thru some of these tough times is practice.  i know it may sound simple, but we haven't had a lot of practice taking care of ourselves, or even being encouraged to take care of ourselves.  going against those old, neg. messages can be quite difficult. 

i have no doubt you'll be able to eventually find your way.  in the beginning, know that even small steps count.  getting those meds, having them on the counter, looking at them are all small steps, but important nonetheless.  it's ok to take this stuff slowly, to go at your own pace.  and, yeah, anxiety is a gritch and a half.  if i may send you love and hugs . . .

[Blue_Jays]

Thank you for your insights and your support. I really appreciate it!

[Blue_Jays]

A part of me has been wanting to re-connect with my mother. My brother visited recently, and tried to bring me and my abusive younger sister back together. It has been on my mind since. There are a handful of memories that keep me away. I am grateful for my partial certainty in how I need to keep moving forward.

I am a very caring person, and that is why it is easy to manipulate me in my family. I care about my sister and my mom. But I don't think I love them.

I am starting to forget what my mom looks like. I am sure she has aged.

I feel really grossed out by her and her actions. It is not just the past, and the lack of accountability. It is how she treats those who still talk to her, like they owe her something. I hate that she continues to be a terrible mom to my sisters and brother. I feel even worse that I want them all to leave her behind.

Mothers day was hard this year, but easier than years before. It is a challenge to want a relationship with parents, when I don't even know what that would be like.

I am tired of not having parents right now. I feel like I would really benefit from that kind of support and encouragement. My ambition and direction in life is at a pause. I have been spending essentially all my time working on my mental health, relationships, my relationship with my body, religious trauma, and trying to find joy. I am frustrated that I am not like my friends and acquaintances. I still remain the one people don't know how to talk to. But many MANY of my friends are afraid of being genuine, honest, having hard conversations or even conversations that would require introspection.

I haven't been able to get a job in my new town. It has been awhile. I try to let go of control, and let things fall where they may. But I am sooo used to working, and being able to find purpose in that routine. I am extremely hard on myself in the job search. I have many problems with comparing myself to others (thanks mom). But it has been brutal to see friends have full blown careers, and I have just been knocked down so many times. The pandemic really killed my confidence. I have a lot of fear of doing things differently, of starting a business or doing something independently. Where I live seems to be good for my partner, but a terrible fit for me if I wanted a career. It is a cool place to live, but completely isolating, and potentially not a good fit for me long term. Though if it worked out it would be pretty cool.

[Marcine]

I am tired of not having parents right now. I feel like I would really benefit from that kind of support and encouragement. My ambition and direction in life is at a pause. I have been spending essentially all my time working on my mental health, relationships, my relationship with my body, religious trauma, and trying to find joy. I am frustrated that I am not like my friends and acquaintances. I still remain the one people don't know how to talk to. But many MANY of my friends are afraid of being genuine, honest, having hard conversations or even conversations that would require introspection.

Hi Blue Jays, I personally relate to a whole lot of what you wrote. I have experienced the loneliness that comes with seeing the past and the present clearly, and then choosing a different, healthier trajectory for the future without guarantees. The loss is real. The frustration is real. It can be hard knowing so keenly what is no more, without knowing yet what will be.
Your awareness and determination shine through your words. Give yourself patience and grace for all you are facing, for the lies you are calling out, for the truth you are embracing, for the self you are being.

[NarcKiddo]

Much of what you have written resonates with me. The part that particularly stuck out for me was your desire to support your family. I have struggled with that too. We were trained to cater to whatever needs they perceived they had. That training is hard to overcome. Plus, of course, we know that nice, caring humans look after others. We would like to think of ourselves as nice, caring humans and it is easy to fall into the trap of believing that in order to be a nice, caring human we have to cater to the needs of whoever demands our help. That's not true.

[Blue_Jays]

I have been reading the book "Women who run with the wolves". It was recommended to me years ago by a friend and I finally picked it up. I am not sure it is everyone's cup of tea, but there are elements to is which have been having a profound impact on me the last few weeks. Below are some quotes from one chapter that really resonated with me, and provided validation and clarity.

"Girl children who display a strong instinctive nature often experience significant suffering early in life"

"If the child is wildish, she may, unfortunately, be subjected to her parents attempts at psychic surgery over and over again, for they are trying to remake the child, and more so trying to change what her soul requires of her"

" when a woman has a collapsing mother construct within her psyche and or her culture, she is wobbly about her worth"

" if a woman has a collapsing mother, she must refuse to become one to herself also" ( I have felt this my whole life)

I think that quote is really significant for me. When I was younger I said to my mom " I am nothing like you", recent years it has been " I didn't want to be a weak woman", but I've created a new one " I wanted to be myself without shame. To be free of expectations. And free of the generational need for a man. To protect my wholeness". I think this book is adding the depth I've been missing in understanding my " self ". I think it has made lots of firm stances in my life, but I think it is making more sense as to why. Kind of like a " I just needed to do it, for my soul required it".

There is also a section called " the mistaken zygote" which I thought was kind of funny. I hear so many people saying " your soul chose your parents" but this is saying that maybe I ended up at the wrong house. I have had more random neighbour's and others in my life that I've felt a connection to than my own family.

I've been taking the book a bit slower. A huge part of the book is just showing the brokenness of my own mother/Father/stepfather. I feel really bad for my mom. For the life she neglected inside her soul. I think she lost her compass too early in life, to please her religion/parents/culture. I'd be curious to know what she thought of my grandma and how she raised her. Though I suspect my grandma put her religion above everything else. I think my family has experienced a lot of " this is what you're supposed to do" as a girl/ woman/ daughter.

As an aside, I appreciate the comments and insights from those engaging with this journal. Your words have stuck with me through my days, and make me feel less alone.

[NarcKiddo]

I hear so many people saying " your soul chose your parents"

If that is the case, I wonder what on earth I ever did to my soul!!!

I am glad you have found the book helpful. It's interesting, I think, how we can pick things up at the right time for us.

[Blue_Jays]

My mom texted me a job posting. In her area (VERY far away from me). That I would never want.

I am filled with so much rage when she does things like this.

1) who is telling her I don't have a job? Are they filling in all the details? Does she know that I am searching for a position that won't cause harm? I need to tell people not to tell her things about me...

2) WHY does she always try to bring me back into her house? She moved away, far away, and then expected us to all follow her. I know we give her life purpose in some way. Some kind of comfort. But it is actually delusional to think that I would drop my entire life to move again, to be abused, again. To be stuck, again.

3) WHy is she texting me when she cannot even remember why we aren't speaking? She can't even be honest and apologize!! Or show any kind of compassion.

4)Then I am just battling with rage and grief at the same time. I cannot message back, I can't engage. It hurts something inside me so bad. I want to be able to just forgive her... to be able to just say "you know, that is nice that she is thinking of me" but I have learnt my lesson. I have learnt it in the worst way, the hardest way.

I know I can't talk to her. But it is difficult to sustain that. It is not even because I am angry. It is just because I am choosing myself over everyone else. For the first time in my life. I lost myself so many times. They manipulate me, and present the things that I want in order to draw me in. This is usually love, support, family. But they are all a lie. We are all too damaged to have those things. We are bonded by pain. And no matter how an interaction starts, it always ends in suffering.

My therapist and I talk about how I have been "refusing to abandon myself" over the last year. How it is becoming clearer where I belong and what my person needs. It is such a powerful thing for me. To feel like I am here, and that what I am doing aligns with what I need. I am still figuring this out, I struggle so much making decisions that are not survival based, or taking care of other peoples needs. But I know this is important.

These are things my mom would never understand. She lost herself so long ago.

I wish I could say so many things to her. To have her actually hear me. For her to change. To see why I am visibly uncomfortable when she is around. Why I am defensive. It is easy to wish, and wish for things to be different, better, more, etc. But these wishes are not real.

I am practicing letting people find their own way. It is not my job to fix anyone (what a relief).

I may never reach out to her again. But maybe I will reach a point where I can handle it, down the road.

[Marcine]

"To feel like I am here, and that what I am doing aligns with what I need. I am still figuring this out, I struggle so much making decisions that are not survival based, or taking care of other peoples needs. But I know this is important."

  This is beautiful and powerful, Blue Jays. And important, indeed