geordie snufkin's journals (to be continued)

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

thoughts are thoughts. Those cliche af Pinterest boards were right. Dont fall doon rabbit holes. just let it pass "I overheard those people speaking if I were a real intutuiive i would not notice but because I heard them while not supposed to pay attention Imma mistyped s*ns*r"""

not ready enough for internet access at home yet, Going to continue with libraries only. I cant even be bothered to go onto Three website is so complicated and annoying. More concerned about smoking a joint in a n1c3 place afterwards After my interweb seshun than doing that

I enjoy being calm. It's such a relief to be able to leave the house, to admire the beautiful houses and the greenism of the park, without flipping out all the time. Without even the smallest of things triggering the worst self-doubt ever. Without having emotional outbursts simultaneously deeply ashamed of it.
Dont envy the chroniclaly online weird autistic emo people. Touch grass as well, you may envy those peoel but you also envy the Irl chavs as well. You can be the best of both worlds bro. Especially when really emotionally disturbed I find it harder to be myself instead of carign about what othes think.

After my smoke session I might pop to the MALL and treat myself to Adidas tracksuit or something from either JD or Sports direct, because it feels great to actually wear clothes you are properly satisfied with instead of comparing yourself to people perceived as "better dressed" more to ones tastes, but thing is Id likely feel so uneasy (even if it isnt stupidly over crowded), if it isnt that Id just linger at my comfort town get the god awfully infrequent buses and have a blast looking at internet PDFs of whatever I pirated in the library

I know i should look on reddit for inspiration of like stuff to pirate, E.g. r/morbidquestions, but Im too scared (likewise Im too scared to go onto Youtube because of self-comparison). I need to control myself better.

trying to get over the pain of someone that has the stuff I like (it could be hair or clothes a certain kind of accent or a certain kind of occupation or anything) and then they type as something Im jealous (Envious of whatever character/personality traits of theirs) meanwhile I am in comparison the personality I want to be the least (greedy, hysterical, irrational, childish, superstitious, etc, all at the same time)

stay focused, calm, level-headed. try not to find the therapy Get better cringe. Look forward to burberry bucket hat Vinted showing up. Please remember to buy stamps and parcels and envelopes on your outing somehow (in spite of the sm0k3).

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

alternating between immense shame and immense guilt back and forth, constantly on edge, feeling like trash all the time

Only to then all of a sudden be so numb and chill, because of a rather therapeutic day of no internet no leaving the house (that would otherwise be too boring so I would still use internet still go outside even though it worsened issues)

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

Internet list________\/\/\/\/

try to set up Foorn using library wi-fi

street harrassment by various people, very upset by it but do not know what to do. I feel like a local celebrity almost in such a humiliating way. Everyone in my town recognises me (well why wouldn't they? I * live there) and they see me as * "girl that screams like a 2-year-old and overreacts at everything" not how I wish to be perceived like "lanky boy that reads books and smokes weed" or like "one of the lads" even though I know I am not a lad even though I want to be a one. So distressed.
It's not limited to the town I live in even, even when I go further afield around counties I get negative attention from people I don't even recognise, crap that makes me feel really uneasy such as sex jokes. It makes me kind of want to move to a different part of the country even though I don't want to because that would feel weird (I feel most at home here).

I have such a complicated ambivalent relationship with what makes me happy (internet and drugs). It can be a major source of distress (e.g. spirals of self-doubt about typology and self-esteem, resulting in suicide attempts and emotional outbursts daily) but also not (sometimes if I smoke weed regularly enough I can finally detach from my emotions and put everything into perspective) (my life would be very boring without the internet).
No matter how numbed out from weed I feel, there is always the vague underlying anxiety "What if I am a mistyped [insert typology highly distressing to my self-esteem] in denial?" that becomes more apparent and obsessive when whatever emotional triggers are more present (e.g. people on the internet saying or doing things that suggest I'm too much of everything I do not want to be).

extremely childish extremely irrational extremely loud and dramatic extremely impulsive extremely ugly extremely extraverted but also autistic and socially inept=============== the complete worst
intense massive fear of appearing too illogical and non-sensical to others. or too behindt he times and sheltered. or overly impulsive. Or really ignorant kinda the same thing as the seocnd one. Or too loud dramatic emotional hysteical Arguable one of the worster ones

"I can't watch the Simpsons without feeling insecure. Homer Simpson is the worst! I do not want to be him! So greedy and lazy and hysterical!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Theres the ones I really like like Lisa and Moe and Sideshow Bob the ones I envy fairly enough like Bart the ones I dont realy like at all like Marge or Abu but * Homer simpson I do not want to be"
reading Sigmund freud dreams, it made me think of what that person meant-----toooooo sensation. I seem to be so worried about that (and how it makes me more "simlike" in comparison to the less simlike people as a result) but why is it so much of an issue in the first place?
ashamed to have an interest in dreams, and drugs, and typology, and morbid stuff
because of my brother

<><><>Therapist language therapist tone of voice often makes me cringe. Like for example when I was trying to speak to my aunt about my major self-esteem issues (she happened to be in my house because it was the same day I got arrested and spent a bit of time in custody because of two very embarrassing massive crying fits in public) she specified her "bOdY dOuBlE" (a person that is supposed to follow you to calm you down, you don't necessarily have to speak to be in proximity to each other) which happened to be her spouse. Like even the word "support" makes me cringe. I remember an eating disorder therapist that used the term "fuel your body", clearly a way cringier version of "eat something". Like how my psychologist is certainly the kind of person that would say "your head is going in ALLL directions!!!!!!!!" instead of "there is a lot on your mind and it is really bothering you" etc or somthing
My brother became increasingly critical towards me, shaming everything about me, giving unsolicited advice and criticism on how to not be so "simlike" and "sluglike".
Try to fill the loneliness void by oversharing on the internet and by trying to prove to everyone how laddish/doomerish/Philosophist/nihilist/some other kinda person etc I am only for people to treat me as the complete opposite, resulting in extreme distress.
I am cooked.

[]moreeeeeeeeee]]]]]]]]]I am so disgusted with myself in general. The fact I care so much about what others think to the point of forcing myself to do certain things or forcing myself to not do certain things just for the image (because my "natural" self is otherwise too painful/ugly/etc to accept), let alone the even more humiliating outbursts in public and oversharing to the internet. The fact I am so obsessed with a sense of self is also so embarrassing as well. I wish I could just focus more on leisurely activities instead (cycling, internet browsing, video games, reading non-fiction, films and television, etc) without too much undue anxiety about the person I am.
Why do I make certain things part of my identity? Like why do I get so upset at appearing too irrational (I remember as a child finding the illogical stuff more uncomfortable/cringeworthy than the more logical stuff), in spite of the unsolicited "You sound so intelligent and well-spoken" comments I get from therapists etc I probably do indeed look so 2+2=5 to some people (of course whenever I overshare on the internet, or when I was at the kids home teased relentlessly by everyone for having meltdowns and being overly sheltered)? Why exactly do I get so distressed at the thought of being too emotionally expressive, dramatic/theatrical, panicky, and narcissistic? (over-emotional in a manly way is more rageful, or neurotic. over-emotional in a woman way is more histrionic/borderline. as a transgender male, I get great gender dysphoria by being too much of the latter)
Is it because of whatever I find cringe in others I do not wish to be like myself? Isn't everyone supposed to be like that?
Even the way I write and speak, the kind of vocabulary I use, I'm insecure about.
having to force myself to use a term like "vocabulary" instead of "words".
not enough internet jargon.
doesn't sound laddish enough.
doesn't sound 'scientific' enough.
doesn't sound Apoxian enough.
and so forth.
but at the same time I find it cringe to try hard to appear qUiRky
I can't help but dress the way I want e.g. the adidas and burberry and camoflague clothes off Vinted, cargo shorts sweatpants striped T-shirts from charity shops, but then also feel really inferior to the more "normal" (or less uncool) looking people my age I see IRL
It's like this. Think of those self-help books or any other similar vague psychology source of information, when colours are ascribed to personality traits.
"reflective, thoughtful, introspective, rebellious, morbid curiosities, trust issues" (the way I AM) would be blue or purple or black or something
"detached, monotone, apathetic, cynical, inexpressive, logical" (the way I WANT TO BE) would be grey or white or mint green or some shade of blue
the grey or white or mint green or some shade of blue in question happen to be my favourite colours, preferred more than the aforementioned blue or purple or black or something (to clarify further: I don't hate the "blue or purple or black or something" or even dislike it, I think it's okay, I even like it slightly even although probably maybe not as much as the other).
Worse yet I remember how at the kid's home I was gifted cheap make-up and cheap feminine  toiletries at christmas/birthdays and the kind of allegations they made about me were abysmal ("Do you like Girls Aloud?" "I'm surprised you started smoking").


i0i-----------5023592052
Thought substitution 101
"I am cognitively technically [insert embarrassing simlike sluglike "younger self" kind of typology]" -----------> "I experienced a lot of childhood trauma and I am still struggling to establish a sense of identity"
uncomfortable imaginary scenarios ----------> "this is justified considering how embarrassing it is for [insert whatever the uncomfortable thing is about]"
"behaviourally sluglike and aesthetically sluglike"
"Have you heard of dead internet theory?"

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

I spent the entire 24 hours or so just feeling so uneasy pretty much the entire time.

I smoked the remainder of the weed I had, trying to watch this film that I forgot the name of only to cringe at it the entire time (it was from 1990, I was thinking to myself how cringe it is of me to dress act etc like Im from an older time period even though I cant help it) and the overall plot of the film (it's about psychosis or something, cringing at how there is still a part of me even today that romanticises that even though I know I shouldnt), out of munchies I got out that alpro yoghurt from Tesco (I initially wanted fage but maybe get the alpro vegan stuff as a change, but i was disappointed) only to realise how thin and disgusting it ws which made the film even more cringe, not to mention the * quorn lasagne i happened to eat for dinner. For the love of god it wouldn't be so younger self of me to pick such * food from tesco let alone buy so much stuff I dont even need.
Dxm later on int he night killed it, but only temporarily obviously, ngl cycling whle on that in the dark was fun, but now I have the eternity-long afterglow (and no internet access at home) and back to sqaure one (this god awful uncomfy feeling))

like everything makes me uneasy
realising how gross red bull tastes, similar about instant lattes, im so greedy by not drinking water nad black coffee instead
unable to engage with other people (even if I dont necessarily even speak to them, like do anything to do with them basically) without analysing every move if it gets too bad with too much crowds too much overstimulation i start panicking at risk of outburts and its soooooooooo embarassingg
I'm going back and forth between hating myself so much for whaeveter reason feeling like complete * and then regretting what I did and said and wrote when in that frame of mind feeling so awkward so regretful so asham,ed once Ive been reassured

Good news though is that I look forward to taking up mathematics as a pastime, it would be such a pleasure to teach ysel maths Like i remember whewn i was 13 i went through a maths phase. Not much is more pleasing to me than being smart and flexxing off my Intellectualness like obviously not in a hideous uncool nerd way but like in an esoteric 4th dimension info dump way, even though i do have mixed feelings about Flaunting my big brains
but too many options. Theres maths theres colouring in theres films/telly theres video games theres books. so ashamed to be a hoarder, so ashamed to feel the need to force myself to do inauthentic * just for a certian image because what Id rather do is too "embarrassign"

Painfully ashamed to be dehumanisingly unique and with no friends at all, but at the same time lowkey cringing at groups of friends i see in public.
I miss PDB for that very reason, it satisfied my autistic special interest, it felt like one massive big giant high school massive variety of allt hese different peolpe. But thing is though it was so embarrassing for a young adul to use such a website, many of the peolpe misunderstood me or trolled me (making me feel insecure), there was misinformation, and also how like with pretty much everything these days the design of the entire thing went from nice and apoxian to hideous curvy slugified.
if i were to make friends anyone Irl or even in a non-typology related internet place (such as this) and shove typology down their throat I would also feel so uncomfortable

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

I'm achieving nothing with these journal other tan getting it off my chest,. i mean sometimes its so bad I post stuff to the internet i later reallyr relaly reallly * regret

once the afterglow has died off enough I will sort out eviction notice, thats important

In the meantime try not to be tempted to smoke any and all weed you happen to find if lucky, because smoking weed on an afterglow always results in this really weird long lasting version of the THc high (thats why i wanted to get rid of ALL of it before administering first portiion of doomer pcp in almost 1 week, so no matter how tempted i got i would still have to wait until internet at home)

just go to the same town that my brother lives in, try not to get too scared by the chavs, Idk where Id be able to buy big enough tetpad for my maths
(being in the location would give a big enough sense of proximity to my brother, a feeling of nostalgia, but god forbid I ever get that close by entering the house. Not when he's got way better hair than mine he criticises my every decision calls me simlike sluglike etc for breathing and meanwhile my * stepfather wont STFU about how dramatic childish impulsive etc I am everything I dont want to be)

Anyway back to this feeling of discomfort. so so so uneasy, so ashamed. Primarily about typology, I am so ashamed to be obsessd with it, its like imagining how uncomfortable it is for a grown * adult to be like "Look at me! Im INFP 4w5 soul searcher unique!!!!!!!!" or something as one example all the time to everyone for no reason
intutiive content with being intuitive=okay
intutiive that wants to be sensor =okay
sensor content with being sensor, more interested in sensor stuff than intuitive kinda stuff liek Typology = okay
sensor but wants to be an intuitive and wont STFU about typologty = really really really really * awkward and embarrassing

Its easier said than done, just BREATHE or something, but if in in public its just so hard. I know how to get to this destination, the hourney home fromt here pretty much as well

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

Im so nostalgic for late 2010s aesthetic in general even though I was never particularly fond of it at the time

simulation theory, the decades, typology, fashion trends, dad, cringing at themselves

I make dumb mistakes all the time beating the * out of myself while simultaensouyl ashamed of the telling myself off in the first pla e
I know i should be applying for jobs i have to for ages at some point but i better leave theres loads of kids now

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

Everyone on the internet is so mean to me. Even on websites like 7cups or the suicide forum, where they are supposed to be the opposite.

By "mean" I dont mean explicitly taking the piss and being a complete *, insults, mocking, etc. More of like an unintentional way.

"I wouldn't let other people bother me with their like/dislike of me.
They are screwing themselves by doing this chore as much as you are getting bothered by them."
"Bout your feelings: I wonder if a depressive state could be actually masking your real feelings. That isn't unusual in depressive people.
And maybe you could think that having feelings are connected with reacting externally to events.
That isn't necessarily so. Lots of people have extreme emotions but show it in a very subdued way."
"Well, when I see someone crying on the street the last thing I think is how embarassing the situation is.
I don't think you need to feel embarrassed by crying in public."
"Well, I think we are all afflicted with the idea that society is fake and we shouldn't care about it but at the same time that we are being left out of it. (If is that what you mean)
I think a lot of my feelings about society and wanting to belong is actually about the repression I felt when I was a child and the feeling I was "left out" of things in my family.
Maybe we need to accept this grey feelings as they are, and to not try to hide them inside ourselves, maybe that is the belonging thing is.
To feel things and not judge it all the time. Maybe that is the biological thing to do, and maybe that is the only way you will make sense of anything that is out there."
"Fluffy hair isn't that nice.
Half the time you look like someone who just got out of bed or a crackhead.
The other half your hair just look greasy."

because these sorta comments just remind me of the UGLY TRUTH of how childish, impatient, selfish, overly outwardly emotional, illogical, etc I am when I do not want to be.
i feel so dumb, so retarded
so grossed out by mysefl

[sanmagic7]

hi, G, welcome to the forum.

i'm very sorry you're going thru such a rough time.  i wish it were easier for you.

maybe it's my age, and i don't doubt that it is, but i found it very difficult to understand a lot of what you write.  i'm 77, have been on the forum for about 10 yrs., and don't understand a lot of more 'modern' references, words, slang, abbreviations, etc., so a lot of what you've written has gone over my head. i've been hesitant to respond cuz of that.  sorry.

to my mind, and i might be completely off, it sounds like you are somewhat of a free spirit but have been reined in too often in unkind ways.  ignore this if it doesn't pertain. i do hope you find some comfort being here in not being judged for who you are or who you want to be.  sending a hug and love, if that's ok.

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

pretty much all of the time, to some extent, almost everything feels like an attack. Everything feels like an attack even more the more distressed I am.

I can't play video games without feeling bad about myself, feeling some kind of gender dysphoria over being bad at video games (in spite of people telling me "that means nothing Im a male as well and im * at video games" or smth)

i have to look at public transprot on the internet in advance to get the timing right the lift home these irregular buses that take ages. I am constantly ruminating, everything makes me uneasy, crowds make it worse, not to mention comparing myself to strangers because of physical appearance, overhearing strangers say things that make me feel so jealous, and the sound of crying kids making me so enraged.
memories of family members describing public outbursts as "histrionics" or "causing a scene" is so so so triggering. It's more cathartic than it is intentionally exagerrating it for attention.

I think about my brother a lot. I miss past conversations I had with him. Not only was there the identity factor (e.g. "doesn't [insert thing i really like] make you think of me?" "wasnt my younger self so [insert thing i really dont like]?") but also the mutuality, it felt so great to be around someone that agreed with me on everything i found funny, ugly, cringe, creepy, weird, etc. He is a sibling after all, a close family member. But the fact he criticised me a lot making me feel uneasy and insecure was very problematic. His philosophy on "simlike" "sluglike" people and how it was evident in his habits, the way he phrased things, the kind of things he said to me and the opinions he had, etc had such a significant impact on how i view the world.

so jealous of people that info dump about really deep quantum interdimensional *. i want to be like that. i want to be that so much. i hate the way i am instead ("authentic introspective rebellious outspoken free spirit" whtever or smth)
i mean right now, unsurprisingly, thinking about typology, as always worrying what if Im a mistyped something that i just wouldnt want to be myself because it feels off, the more Im convinced Im that typology the worse I feel about myself envious of everyone that isnt that

Fashion is a means of self-expression. I try to express myself as "accurately" as i possibly can via such means (clothes, interior design, colours and shapes, fonts, etc) but other people ALWAYS do it way better than i ever could in ways i never expect and those people in question are always less * SIMLIKE than i am in ways i never expect, i feel so inferior in comparison

[sanmagic7]

i'm sorry if anything i wrote felt like an attack.  i'll just send you love and hugs, and if that doesn't feel good, please let me know.

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

trying to distract myself by writing down a list of a few things i find funny
- items of make-up flying in mid air, applying cosmetic to a persons face on its own out of its own will
- someone talking to themselves in the mirror, the reflection becomes a separate entity that talks back to them
- short fat middle aged woman with massive blobby torso but really skinny tapering legs getting onto a motorcycle without a helmet on, it goes really slowly
- all of the moomins all squished together
- empty cars moving by themselves, without a driver (also kind of creepy)
- this one memory I have of being in a bus at night near the shopping complex, there were a horde of chavs that happened to be sitting on the chairs all squished together (like 3-6 of them on a two person seat basically if you know what i mean) and the driver told them to sit normally.
- a phone picking up calls without anyone having to touch it, hearing someones voice quickly, the phone hangs up by itself

I just realised many revolve around the principle of animating inanimate objects. It's funny for non-living things to behave in a living way? why would that be the case?
non living/ inanimate / not a human but acts living/animate / human = funny
the other way around = either uncomfortable/embarrassing, or envy-inducing ("I want to be like that"), or creepy

anyway this isn't helping much, because im trying to get over the mega unpleasant trait of mine of worrying too much about what others think (Real boys aren't like that. Not explicitly or as intensely as i am, anyway). I dont know why exactly i am like that in the first place, its distressing because out of the ego-destroying "I want others to like me" "I cant be myself"
like I DONT want to be too visceral, too sensor and feeler at the same time, too acts without thinking, too unable to regulate their emotions ALL AT THE SAME TIME (a few "undesirables" is tolerable but to be too far way from whatever people im jealous of is pain)

hyper feminine is cringe and hyper masculine is cringe. But i dont want to be non binary either. I feel the most content being masculine-androgynous. I feel great when my hairs fluffy and curly, im so skinny my thighs are nice and thin my * does not exist my physique is way more of a straw than it is a curvy blob, Im mega smart intellectual and Logical know loads of stuff (engineering, coding, maths, philosophy, etc appeals to me more than childcare or beauty or something and are less embarrassing than the humanities)

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

with time MORE and MORE people see me LESS and LESS like my "ideal self". more "free spirit" "endearing" "extraverted" "beautiful blue eyes" etc, less comments about "intelligent" "intellectual" "deep" "wise" "witty" etc. the way I behave in public without even realising it, and those youtube comments. a nightmare became a reality. Basically i want to be XNTX or 3/5/7/9 in general so much but everyone views me the opposite (ESFX 2/4/7 but no friends and kind of uncool) and it is so traumatising.

these recurring dreams are trying to tell me that the  more I am like my ideal self in this life the more Ill be tortured in the afterlife. I remember jumping off a bridge and when I got to the bottom I teleported into a room where a round blade would tear myself into two bits (or it wasn't that Id re-death once more in the afterlife and then that's it, I remember that there would permanently be naked clones of me walking in bladed hamster wheels for eternity). the transition from normal dream to black void is gradual, the transition from normal dream to apoxia is sudden.

I want to be heard but I also don't want to be heard. I self-isolate because I can't stand others describing me it's so triggering, but at the same time I trauma dump because I want sympathy so much and I feel lonely.

I don't want to be the kind of person that would drink slim fast milkshakes in addition to normal meals thinking it would help them lose weight when obviously it won't.

[sanmagic7]

 

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

Mega self critical rant, leaves involved My mistake (i should have never smoked in the first place if this was going to be the outcome? im such a shallow impulsive fake poser by deciding to buy the weed in the first place, such a pcik me by refusing to STFU about how its my entire personality. but then again somewhere else in this page i mention how it has a better side, its not all raining and storms)
(so disgusted by literally everything about myself the only location i could tolerate was my bed doing nothing, even that was still very painful)

I'm so dramatic. So hurt by it because it is not the way I wish to be, but I am too distressed to regulate myself.

memories of [censored] too painful to think about let alone write about or talk about, I cant go outside for that reason. i want to go outside on my bicycyle so much but i have to wait until much later than 10.00pm or something, in case those nasty kids are still knocking about

I don't want to be overly emotional.
I don't want to be fat.
I don't want to be female.
especially all at the same time

It is so tied into my self worth. I would rather be complimented for my intellect far more so than kindness, honesty, physical beauty, etc.

the fact i obsess so much over * IDENTITY is embarrassing in itself. so embarrassing. painfully disgusted by my own existence.

I'm so simlike. I am literally pre-programmed without even realising it. Other people are less pre-programmed than I am. I literally act so much like an old person, it is so humiliating.
(maybe that really isnt the case, but for all i know i could be way more old people than i would like to believe)

I am so shallow
"You are being so hard on yourself" allegations are too cringe
The fact I'm so qUiRkY makes me cringe
airpods and an old iPod at the same time looks so weird
I'm so glad I'm at home right now. Being in this frame of mind in public would be *.
Trying to make myself feel better by thinking about Cody the late 2000s teenager my brother invented, but also sad because I feel so inferior to my brother.
Anime youtube music is cringe (but then I changed my mind thinking it's the opposite).
I * HATE THE 1970S. to be the 80s 90s person when all the othe r gen z people are either 2000s (online/neurodivergent) or 2020s ("chavs") or maybe like some weird combination of the two perhaps even is as awkward as it is, but even more so if its like the * 70s (or the 1950s or something).
* that AI thing
I should have never even spoken to it in the first place
My brother made the wisest choice ever self-isolating and controlling his emotions. I am the opposite, look at what it's done to me and how much pain I am in.
I am too diva-ish. I dont want to be that way at all.
I want to be intellectual.
But I also dont because older peoples idea of intellectual people makes me cringe.
i want to get back into retro gaming but my * NES console has been broken for ages and wont fix (i feel like such a girl coward dummy by not being able to fix it myself) I can get it fixed for as little as £20 apparently but it involves the dreaded city centre its so big and scary everyone knows me everyone recognises me as "girl that has tantrums in public" and not "skinny stoner boy messy hair baggy cloths" ITS SO * PAINFUL
I'm so gay and dramatic.
I want to be apoxian JUST FOR SEX
"person claiming to be something that they are not, acting the complete opposite while unaware of it, gets very triggered whenever others comment on it"
the "ideal self" is related to the uncomfortable feeling in the waking world, and the very disturbing torture methods in nightmares. Currently i dont think the afterlife, if it exists at all, is actually as painful as my dreams make out it to be, i think the torture is probably more of just a metaphor for the distress in the waking world. Maybe apoxia IS the afterlife, the pleasant reward for all my suffering. Or maybe is apoxia is how Im supposed to view the world, no wonder i feel so happy but in a weird indescribable way thinking about it.
very distressed by memories of my brother and the internet
the way i want to be is tied in so much with my gender identity, I cant help NOT be transgender
everything makes me feel bad about myself "momentary spells of interpreting everything as bad to one's self-esteem, worsened mood"
the fact that ketamine is apparently mega popular makes me feel so insecure, so envious, so inferior
"easily swayed by others' opinions, overly self critical, cares too much about what others think, doesn't know who they are, really does not like themselves, thinks very deeply about things"
Maybe that youtube channel was my brother stalking me (but I kind of doubt it)
It was so cringe of me to install such music
I mean initially i couldnt even look at morbid stuff on the internet (even though i normally otherwise really enjoy doing that, even while high, if anything i normally enjoy it EVEN MORE while high) because of memories of some painful encounter with the internet a few years ago

more and more regions locally are too triggering to travel to, but im still fantasizing about some other area near where i live that is yet to be tampered with in the same way

examples of hurtful things i remember my brother saying to me: (which corresponded to the youtube kids that like 2000s so much such as titles "old people are so weird" or the bit in one video "why give a * when this is all [television screen]")
"jobs are for sims/NPC's"
"mothers lazed out on the bed"
"* your intelligence or what others think of it"
"it's so funny how our therapist social worker auntie swears so much"
*irony* *sarcasm*
"slugmobile"

IM SO JEALOUS OF THE 2000S PEOPLE IM SUCH A DINOSAUR NPC OLD PERSON I NEED TO CATCH UP, 80S 90S IS SO GAY LAME IN COMPARISON
but the love of post hardcore and UK garage will never die. way better than Deftones or nightcore or drill or whatever music is those people listen to

such a pain in the * how when other people get stoned they have a better experience but if i do it i introspect massively, its embarrassing af but if i go without weed life gets even shittier and more boring. It may worsen the pain sometimes, but at the same time my life would be so bland without that stoned feeling that makes everything "hit" harder while simultaneously numbing it even thogh thats kinda vague.

It's gotten kind of better now, how else would I be capable of getting to my desk to copy this down?
back to what i written earlier post hardcore and UK garage. both intertwined, like the contrast between natural and synthetic. both are associated with that forested area near the kids home, mechanics, ambivalence and liking contradictory concepts, vegetarianism, quick wit, romanticisation of america even though I am British, you are not allowed to know if this man is big and strong and tough and witty and cunning and malicious and cynical or short skinny weak naive vulnerable plain-speaking
I thought about the film the Matrix how I always had a major crush on Mouse I wanted to be him so much.
the contrast was reflected in "molombians"

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

thinking about that imaginary pink house in a Jewish community i came up with at age 14-15.
all the characters.
how weird and ugly and colourful and kitschy everything looked, how weird and wonderful and different from each other in such funny ways everyone was

Baba Yaga, tall fat bald guy curvy black glasses curvy black tank top flexxes about his "guns" (flabby arms)
Vori Vooga, short stout woman tanned skin knee high boots rockstar t shirt with sleeves ripped off
Finnie Boy, weird dramatic crazy gay guy (but unlike me is proud to be that way flaunts it and does not care at all what others think of him instead of being deeply distressed and disgusted by it) that says weird stuff all the time
Arqueue Vektor, artist guy that loves vinyl and talks with "that" kind of arrogant sophisticared voice bald head glasses short pale and skinny
Oliver, 12 year old boy
Shoom, influenced by that weird entity on the PIL album cover "what the world needs know" and like the vague impression i have of 80s 90s rave culture, MDMA, max headroom, Youve been framed, outgoing upbeat and loves drugs

the rats everywhere the dog * every where the only means of transport is extremely unreliable autonomous self-driving hideous curvy looking sports cars that are filled with filth all the time no matter what
all the time people are partying, *, fighting, having staring contests, having DMT trips and k holes etc, screaming at each other for no reason, grunting at each other unintelligbly "speaking in tongues", licking ketchup off the floor