geordie snufkin's journals (to be continued)

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

I'm so ashamed to be so emotional. To not only suffer so much but to express it in such a hideous way and be so bad at distracting myself from it and dealing with it effectively.

When reddit says "the world is not ending that much people are just too brainwashed by Internet AI!!!" maybe that is just an overestimation, but not the case in the UK at least it really is one big giant Ghost town

I need to look into
-managing emotional dysregulation (OOTS, r/CPTSD)
-finding a new house

It's supposed to be "embarrassing" to study psychology/philosophy because it clearly goes to show how ignorant you are, unlike the people that actually know about the ins and outs of reality.

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

fear of abandoment/rejection, great difficulty regulating emotions, impulsive behaviour, trauma dumps = BAD BAD BAD (not part of my identity)
derealisation/depersonalisation, emotional numbness = GOOD GOOD GOOD

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

what if Im not an enneagram 9 or 4 like i thought i was but instead a mistyped 2 in denial this entire time? most of my decisions are out of a desire to be LIKED??? * i hope not.
SO MUCH GENDER DYSPHORIA
SO MUCH MISALINGMENT

Im trying hard to find a new gaming console that im fine with, contemplating getting a nintendo ds a blue one because them things are so nostalgic but then i remember most of the games are *. And for kids.
the SNES (the console i want) is all the way in a town i dont even like at all.
Anyway the older i get the more i realise how cringe retro gaming is, again its more E2 than it is non E2 (buying certain things just for the image rather than out of nostalgia/to fit in/etc)
The cheapest option would to just play DVD games on the 2004 laptop i own but havent touched in ages

I DONT WANT BIG TITS
I WANT TO BE AS THIN AS A RAKE
IM TRYING WAY TOO HARD TO CONTROL MY KCAL BUT I KEEP ON GAINING WEIGHT NO MATTER WHAT

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

for crying out loud selling my nintendo 64 on facebook marketplace was a nightmare, so awkward. I over analyse every interaction i have with others and it really * messes with my self worth.

this is scary, im trying to not get mega triggered by an interaction with a stranger Facebook marketplace.
I am demanding too much by pricing the gaming console too high, that is not enneagram five enough.
it's like "Do they recognise me?" "How are they going to treat me and how does that align with the way I want to be?"
every time i interact with people like this i think to myself "do they think I'm too impulsive? too materialistic? too dramatic?" but i try hard to not let them know that and just try to forget about it
its approaching. * they know where i live, i made a dumb mistake revealing the postcode of where i live now ill be vulnerable to dodgy mail. scared theyre going to make cynical passive aggressive remarks at me.
I think hes making fun of me by refusing to show up at my house and purchase the console to begin with. I have a vague feeling he stalked my account.
why do his Dms have links to these websites
god forbid they enter my house. god forbid anyone sees the writing on the walls, let alone a * stranger.
Unlike with the weed where my instagram is anon, these people have the freedom to stalk me if they please. for all i know catastrophe occurs thanks to Instagram weed and Facebook marketplace EVEYRONE KNOWS WHO I AM and theyre gonna ESFJ 2w7 me down "Youre not the Snufkin u claim to be You scream like a toddler you a woman U sexy!!!" * knows what allegations
religious people
indians
neckbeards sex jokes
and then its "over dramatic" of me to complain about it in the first plae

FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE EDIT HOT NEWS
expect the unexpected. Judging by the post history i was surprised it was an old man . I felt SO retarded by failing to realise myself just spend an additional £20 or so on the memory thing and then sell it (but then if you do that youre being more MONEY MONEY MONEY but then romanticising anti-capitalism is cringe NEVERMIND) but i did say to him "i never really liked it in the first place" but that doesnt really change it, how will that influence the motivation to do something about the missing parts or nt?

Basically i get REALLY * TRIGGERED whenever i realise how i act so impulsively shooting myself in the foot making a problem worse for myself, or "over-reacting", or having poor logical faculties. even when im out in public, even when im barely even engaging with strangers, im constantly worrying that I appear too impulsive too childish too dramatic too irrational too brutish too selfish etc in front of them

[sanmagic7]

i see you, G, and wish you weren't in so much pain.  love and hugs

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

stolen from wikipedia
Affected, mannered, put-on; postures are striking, eyecatching, graphic; markets self-appearance; is synthesized, stagy; simulates desirable/dramatic poses.

WORST CASE SCENARIO
TO BE LIKE THAT DESTROYS MY SELF-ESTEEM SO MUCH
IT HURTS SO MUCH
I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN BE LIKE THAT
BUT BECAUSE OF INTENSE EMOTION I CAN'T HELP IT

[sanmagic7]

we had a member, G, who was known as wife2, and she was very calming for people going thru a lot of intense stuff.  for one thing, she started the 'healing porch', which a lot of us have utilized as a place to 'go to' and just be how we wanted for a while, no expectations, no judgments.  i've used it myself quite a few times, 'built' my own log cabin there, close by the main house which holds the porch.  i'll see if i can find the link if you'd like.  the other thing she'd say was 'breathe'.  sometimes it's wondrous to take a moment and simply breathe.  love and hugs

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

we had a member, G, who was known as wife2, and she was very calming for people going thru a lot of intense stuff.  for one thing, she started the 'healing porch', which a lot of us have utilized as a place to 'go to' and just be how we wanted for a while, no expectations, no judgments.  i've used it myself quite a few times, 'built' my own log cabin there, close by the main house which holds the porch.  i'll see if i can find the link if you'd like.  the other thing she'd say was 'breathe'.  sometimes it's wondrous to take a moment and simply breathe.  love and hugs

* thats so cringe and weird
why did i decide to use this websitein the first place then

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

the SNES console i ordered off ebay is due to arrive today, i cant wait, but im worried it wont actually come (the address is the same but the postcode is that of my familys house. should it go to familys house instead, disaster will occur. Dont want to go there just to try and pick up the console i was dying for only for my stepfather to cause a massive argument labelling me as overly dramatic childish etc which triggers me even more, mother tries to interfere and pacify the situation but fails. I remember years back i ordered new balance shoes off ebay, it was left in the porch, the control freak binned the shoes without my knowledge/permission).
and even if it does come, which is obviously a good thing its what i want, there is still the issue of getting hold of the games (why didnt i order the games off the internet earlier? im so impulsive. i mean at least that cex voucher is stil intact and obviously way more convenient to use in person than on website). Because im that desperate im better off buying it IRL than off the internet, but going into city centre is problematic, I get misgendered harrassed treat like a sex object etc (as a TRANSGENDER MALE that is ASEXUAL) everywhere i go in particularly built up areas its so triggering
I hate being told "brave" "open" "honest" etc Its not that i have the "courage" necessary its more of an uncontrollable urge to let it all out im desperate to be heard

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

Everyone is struggling as much as I am. I am the only one that makes a fuss about it, so ashamed.

Im afraid to laeve the house at certain times or go to certain areas because of this. Basically i get harrassed i get attention from strangers that makes me feel uncomfortbale, they joke around (or just make comments) that suggest how hyper-dramatic hyper-impulsive hyper-impatient hyper-Karen hyper-feminine hyper-slut hyper-religious hyper-cowardly hyper-greedy etc I appear (basically whatever it is I not want to be) and it makes me feel so upset. It's also evident on the internet comments like "If you don't like someone's outfit do you lash out at them?" or the Blackpink and trashy 2010s pop music subscribers. Even if I am convinced they don't recognise me at all I am still subject to such treatment, the only evidence they have is my clothes.

I just feel so awkward right now. Past memories of what my brother said to me really took a toll, it will only grow in unexpected ways because of the therapists' outdated beliefs as to what defines it.

not to mention i found someone on r/enneagram that really makes me jealous, they write deep complex stuff and make moodboards about their otherworldly fantasies. I am so jealous I wish i were like that. Im so jealous of anyone that is really into video games or philosophy etc, I dont have the motivation. all i do instead is cry, trauma dump, buy things i dont need, etc (like the WAY I DONT WANT TO does).

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

I think about my brother a lot. He was my soulmate, but it came with a major price. The first time I ever met him in 2022 (which was the first time in 3 years) he introduced me to his adjective "simlike". None of us properly understood its actual definition at the time, but I instantly knew literally anything that was considered "simlike" I semi-unconsciously found somewhat cringe, repulsive in others and did not want to embody myself, whenever he suggested something was simlike before I did and I was guilty of it myself without realising I'd feel so called out. Next came his adjective "sluglike". At around the same time, I introduced him to typology and I was pleased he typed me as something I was content with. The person trait of "simlikeness" was, in my opinion anywway, often associated with female sex, older generations, higher religosity, endomorphic physique, higher extraversion and conscientiousness, and lower openness to experience (basically everything I don't want to be, even before speaking to him).
However, with time his text messages became more and more inventive, and more and more hurtful (as in everything I wanted to be like because it aroused envy in others, everything that caused a sense of "gender euphoria", everything I latch onto as part of my identity and base my self-worth on etc, had been outrageously denied). I remember him asking me, "isn't simlike evidence that reality is fake?" and it really resonated with me, the less simlike someone is the more I am intensely jealous of them, things such as DP/DR etc in other people always causes a strong kind of envy I will never get over.

Not to mention how I got attention from strangers that was not just accidentally using incorrect pronouns but as far as sexual harrasment and judging my behaviour/attitudes etc, how so many people on youtube etc seem way less "simlike" than I am, how I unsurprisingly compare myself to "the lads", and when I tried making a youtube channel about myself the kind of comments/subscribers I got were extremely triggering.

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

I wish I could just partake in the typology forums, because it is so meaningful to me, without much difficulty.
NO asking strangers to type you over and over again
NO getting triggered by whatever people traits
NO posting things out of ED that you later regret
NO getting triggered by whatever certain comments people make about you

slugs
black, curvy, sticky, slow, disgusting
sims
pre-programmed, identical, outdated, society, unthinking

Apparently it's not uncommon for those with abandonment issues to be attracted to emotionally unavailable people, could this explain why I always gain a sense of identity euphoria from embodying the detached logician archetype and anything related to it (nihilism, maths, video games)? Like I compensate for feeling unloved by trying to be someone I'm not, experiencing deep distress whenever it is "invalidated" (allegations of BPD, jealous of people that dissociate, extremely hurt by the thought of being a mistyped E2 in denial, doubts such as "doesn't leaving the house count as extraverted?", etc)?
this thought is dysphoric in itself
At the same time I cringe so hard at wanting to be a certain typology, something about it feels so inherently childish and dumb.

It's like I was absolutely utterly miserable after that youtube channel. Comparing myself to the others that were way better at thinking outside of the box. Comments from people finding what I was saying non-sensical were upsetting, comments from this one person commenting on their personal characteristics that were more "ideal self" in comparison to mine but typed as a sensor and feeler on an MBTI test to prove to me I was not as ideal self as I thought, the "get a boyfriend" commenter, and how most of the subscribers were trashy 2010s pop music spam accounts. Absolutely devastated.
All I wanted was to make videos about myself, introspection, dream interpretation, my brothers' analysis of the collapse of society, observing people and trying to understand human behaviour only to re-spiral.

stuff that likely influenced the creepy robot dreams
-goosebumps episode where fat kid is stranded in a black void forever and ever
-Wallace and Gromit, Doctor Who
-superman three scene were a giant machine turns this woman into a robot
-how daddy phil died from DRUGS (and sorta embodied the kind of person I wanted to be, so maybe I tried to compensate his death)
but I remember how that dream I had in 2016, the first of its kind and very creepy, had something to do with late-night disturbing internet rabbit holes

it was horrifying. Everything I liked he'd associate, or seem to associate, with my present moment self- be it rough areas, the colour combinations green and orange or blue and grey, females with hair in bushy pigtails, obscure early 2000s horror films. But then my "younger self", on the other hand, was in my rating an overly grotesquified version of everything I do not want to be - shorter, fatter, clingier, more emotional, more female (and more gender dimorphic), more weak and vulnerable, more impulsive and self-defeating, less rational, shittier tastes in everything

the thought that I am a mistyped enneagram two in denial causes so much pain.

the thought that my primary motivation is to be loved causes pain.
the thought that my dominant cognitive processes is external sensation causes pain.

i worry im a mistyped enneagram two because i care too much about what others think, like i try to alter myself just to satisfy others desires

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

I take mild offence at being described as "interesting".

Old people calling me out for being "different" isn't particularly nice, there's something so inherently ugly about being "quirky" (like weird but in a fashionable way, not weird in a creepy off-putting disturbing way) and one of a kind from everyone else, I regret Not like the other boys, I really wish I could be more like the other boys, but I just can't.

me being at an increasingly higher risk of eviction because of whatever, every single time I attempt to make arrangements with my social worker it's a flop for whatever reason, it's as if I'm cursed or fated by whatever to live a progressively more painful life.

normal human behaviours look like computer-generated add-ons to some people

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

Almost everything about myself pretty much gives me some sense of gender euphoria. Intense introspection and journalling just feels a tad too "feminine" for me.
I woke up from a nap feeling a tad "robotic". Not a particularly nice feeling. Is this the "essence" that differentiates "younger self" from otherwise something other than that.
Sometimes the truth is too painful to bear that even death would be more preferable. Apparently seeking solace in pretending to be the opposite of how you actually are (primadomma LARPing as a detached observer) is a coping mechanism for some? My brother would label my romanticisation of nihilism, Russia, snufkin, etc as "younger self", supposed to coincide with otherwise opposite behaviour/personality such as increased emotionality, extraversion, spatial awareness, clinginess, and sensation-seeking, but why exactly?
Memories of that hurtful comment, long-winded detailed articulate and unsolicited, that broken my heart, but also left me choking out of shame had I been reassured they were false. It kind of gave off black void vibes.

a few examples of hurtful text messages my brother would leave
- "Do you want to be

• ?"

- "yes *" (sexual attention in public) ---> "actually yes" (envying more "normal" looking people, that don't have trauma)
- "Thanks for messying my bedroom"
- vocabulary policing basically. Kinda like censoring swear words, except the "swear words" are otherwise normal words, and instead of obscenity it's a matter of based / cringe. For example according to him IMAGERY=based IMAGES=cringe, NET=based INTERNET=cringe, MOTHER=based MUM/MOM/MAM=cringe. I felt so called out.

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

has this got anything to do with the fact my father died when I was 5?
am I technically an extraverted sensation dominant, prefering feeling over thinking, in denial? I hope not
is my basic motivation, primary driving factor, to be loved? I hope not
why does almost everyone on the internet seem to treat me in a way that does not align with how I wish to be? It causes so much distress
am I instrinsically so dramatic, pretending to be logical and detached and adhering to that image just to feel better about myself? I hope not
my introspection in itself gives me a sense of gender dysphoria