Hope's Journal 2025

[Hope67]

Thank you Blueberry 

Thanks NarcKiddo & SanMagic, I appreciated what you each said   

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26th September 2025
Today has been quite a good day - I felt some happiness at different parts of the day, and enjoyed a particularly tasty meal in the evening as well, and was thinking that I'd like to enjoy those moments.  I did enjoy them.  I hope the feeling will stay for the evening.  Very nice.

[StartingHealing]

Hi Hope

Those moments of happy are such a wonderful thing.  Glad that you experienced them.

[Hope67]

Thanks StartingHealing 

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27th September 2025
Still some remnants of the happy feeling today - although I must admit that the morning is a bit of a challenge today - a few things haven't gone to plan, but it's not too bad. 

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad the happy feeling is sticking around, at least to some extent. Sorry to hear that things haven't all gone to plan this morning but it sounds like you are dealing with it well. 

[Hope67]

Thanks NarcKiddo 

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9th October 2025
I was thinking about journalling as a result of something someone had said, and decided I'd pop in to write something here today.  I have been reading a book called 'Flex Your Feelings: Train Your Brain to Develop the 7 Traits of Emotional Fitness' by Dr Emily Anhalt, and it's proving to be really helpful to me.  It's helped me to unpack some unresolved experiences from a previous workplace/and other workplaces prior to that as well, and also has proved helpful with thinking about relationship issues and communication.

I related to what Dr Anhalt wrote on p.138: "Whether it's because success would mean that things will change or because on some level you believe you don't deserve it (shame), you may subconsciously slow your ambitions" - I relate to this, as I often hope to do something creative but have a real block on being able to effectively start any project etc

p.130 "Remember, a relationship, job, or experience does not have to last forever for it to have been worth having or doing."
I found this really helpful - as I've felt so much guilt about the fact I gave up my profession.  It's only been in recent months that I've felt able to think 'I'm retired now'  Maybe I can enjoy life for me, and not dwell on the fact I no longer do my job. 

On p.149 she said "People may forget what you said, but won't forget how you made them feel." - I find this really poignant. 

Wow, I've just found this quote that is from Donald Winnicott, and which Dr Anhalt included on p.200 of her book "It is only in playing that the individual is able to be creative and to use the whole personality, and it is only in being creative that the individual discovers the self."

I'm considering that quote, and thinking that whilst I was able to 'play' as a child on occasions, there was often the stifling influence of my M who might dictate 'how' I might play, or with whom, and in what way, and that she stifled it on numerous occasions, and therefore the whole personality couldn't blossom - and maybe my ability to 'play' as an adult is also stifled, and that's why I can't progress in attempting something creative, as I feel guilt/stifled/prevented.  BUT I want to break through that, and hope that I will do so, so that I can be creative, and I can explore the entirety of my personality.

Looking back at other notes I wrote, I noted in p.51 that she wrote "It's not your experiences but your reflection on your experiences that leads to change." - I have certainly been doing much more exploration of past memories using bilateral stimulation, and it has definitely been helpful to me. 

p.41 "Mindfully sit with unpleasant thoughts and feelings without stuffing them down, avoiding them, or numbing them." - I like the fact she said this, as I have been leaning into feelings, rather than avoiding them, and I feel I am learning/growing as a result of that.

Incase anyone is reading this and wonders what the 7 traits are that Dr Emily Anhalt lists, they are:
Mindfulness
Curiosity
Self-Awareness
Resilience
Empathy
Communication
Playfulness

Something that felt very emotional to me, was reading on p.54 that she said "...part of her believed that she did not deserve to be treated with love and respect because she wasn't treated that way as a child."  I really related to that.  I felt it in my younger selves, and my older selves reach out to comfort those parts, because I care about them, all of them.

Parts of me are concerned that I'm talking about all of these things here.  Like I'll get into trouble for speaking about it. 

Telling myself, it's ok.  I'm not doing anything wrong writing about any of these things.

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Anyway, I am finding the book helpful. 

Hope

[sanmagic7]

thanks for writing this, hope.  i like the idea that you were able to talk to yourself, tell yourself it's ok to write your experience/feelings down, and then listen to what you said to yourself.  i think that's big.  i also really like that the author said any kind of relationship has value in itself, no matter how long it lasts.  i do think we can learn from everything we do, whether it was pos. or neg., and move on if that's what's needed.  i do not think that because something doesn't work out for us long term it means it was a failure, or we failed.  to me, the important thing is that we gave it a shot.

sounds like some pretty good stuff you're learning.  i like it.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

 

I'm glad that you are finding the book helpful. It sounds very good. Thank you for sharing those extracts. I'm also glad you are reassuring the parts of you that are concerned about you writing here.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, Thank you so much 
Hi NarcKiddo, Thank you 

[StartingHealing]

Thank you for sharing Hope. 

You can tell those aspects of yourself that are concerned about "getting in trouble" that I for one have been helped by your sharing.  Thank you for that.

Wishing you all the best

[Hope67]

Thank you StartingHealing 

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13th October 2025
So I'm still reading the book 'Flex Your Feelings' and wanted to remember this paragraph on p.203 where Dr Anhalt mentions 'psychological safety' and goes on to say "It's an environment in which people trust that they can express ideas, ask questions, raise concerns, or make mistakes without fear of negative consequences, such as punishment, humiliation, or rejection.  When individuals feel psychologically safe, they are more likely to take risks, be creative, and collaborate effectively with others - in other words, they're more likely to play."

This makes a lot of sense to me, in terms of how my FOO environment did not create any sense of psychological safety, and therefore so many things were stifled and stuck, as a result of those things.  Maybe that's why my creativity can't blossom - but even as I say that, I think to myself that I am beginning to feel as if it might be possible to play a little and to dip my toes into something creative - I think that my current environment is much more safe psychologically. 

I was thrown back into quite a lot of angst in the past couple of days, thanks to having re-read some communications that my FOO (M) had written to me - I had actually forgotten some of the detail - and re-reading it, it made it very stark and horrible.  I was thrown back into feeling some intense feelings of guilt, as if it was somehow my fault.  BUT, I have thankfully been able to talk to my partner about this, and he has validated my feelings and I have also been reading some interactions on Quora about difficult relationships with family members and I have found it refreshing to see how communities have responded - especially to issues around estrangement - i.e. that they tend to say that estrangement is not an easy path, and that anyone who does take that route doesn't do it lightly.  I found that validating too, and thankfully I now feel better again.  But for a couple of days, I felt awful.

I also had a night terror in amongst that - it was like a cramp that made me get out of bed very quickly and it felt like someone was twisting my leg in opposite directions - it was scary, and it hurt a lot.  Thankfully I was able to calm myself afterwards and I slept better last night, as nothing bad happened - no more night terrors. 

But it just showed me how immediately my night terrors can re-surface if I trigger them directly by re-reading things my FOO (M) has said.  She absolutely terrifies me (or at least a smaller/smaller parts) of me.

I also think that this month (October) and the change in the light, the darker evenings, those things seem to bring more triggers - now that some of my dissociative walls have fallen down, I feel and notice these things far more.  Or maybe it's just that I can 'feel' things and notice things better.  Whatever it is, I feel the significance and notice it so much more than maybe I did previously.

I was listening to some u-tube videos that Keanu Reeves had done - they were about the Stoics (philosophers) and using meditation to calm the mind - I liked how Keanu had made his videos and I felt his authentic and caring nature within them.  I appreciated him sharing those things in that way, and I found it helpful.

I have been listening to different bilateral music from u-tube as well, and making a daily routine of having about 30 minutes of listening and allowing my thoughts and feelings to just flow - whatever wants to come up whilst listening to it, and it has definitely helped me to process some things and I feel so much better afterwards. 

(I haven't managed to read much of my book I bought called 'The Warrior Within' by Christiane Sanderson - I think it's due to parts of me being concerned/worried about reading it, but I really believe that when I do finally encourage/allow myself to read it, that it will be helpful.  I am on p.32 of that book - so I have read some of it.  As usual, I am keen to read the whole thing before making any concrete changes - as I want to see what the entirety of it is, before following any of the suggestions.  Maybe I will have read it by the end of the year.  I don't know.

On a positive note, I have succeeded in losing some weight in the past few weeks - my BMI was previously 28.6 and now it's 26.7, so I am getting closer to my goal of BMI 25.  I feel healthier for losing some weight, and it's been ok - I've moved away from craving sugary foods, and don't get any cravings at the moment. 

As I was writing about psychological safety - I was thinking that this forum is a place where it does feel safe to write about experiences, because I feel that everyone here is understanding and non-judgemental.  It is therefore a place that encourages so many positive things.  I am grateful it is here.  I am grateful that you are all here and so supportive. 

[NarcKiddo]

I'm so glad your weight loss is going well. That's a big drop and a meaningful shift towards your goal.    Very well done!

It's lovely that you feel this forum is a safe place to write. I agree with you.

I find it interesting how certain parts can be resistant to reading certain books. I am trying to read one on dissociation driven by parts and a part of me does her absolute utmost to stop me. She feels teenage and she has tried to get a younger part to join the resistance but I find cuddling a toy while reading it calms the younger one and then I only have the teenage one to contend with. I just have to read it in very, very small chunks and even then I dissociate a lot although that is getting better as I persist. I think it's good that you have not made any particular targets for finishing the book you want to read.

I'm sorry you have been feeling bad after reading some old communications from your M. I'm not surprised, though. I have a bag of FOO letters in my loft from when I was at boarding school. I keep thinking I might read them but the thought of what they might have written to little NK does not fill me with any good feelings. I'm glad you were able to speak to your partner about it, and also that you have found some helpful things on Quora.

 

[Hope67]

Hi NarcKiddo,  Thank you so much for what you said - I also appreciated you sharing how certain parts of you can be resistant to reading certain books - it helped me to feel validated.  When you wrote about how your younger part finds cuddling a toy whilst reading is helpful, I might try that.  I know that I find doing 'dot-to-dots' is very helpful for when I'm watching videos and utubes about trauma related topics, as I can process things better whilst doing the dot-to-dots.  I think it has a similar effect to doing bilateral stimulation - in terms of how it makes me feel.

Actually I let my AI look at some communications that my M had sent, and just said 'What do you think of that' and the responses were incredibly astute and it helped me to consider quite a few different angles on it.  I thought it was really helpful for enabling me to feel some emotions in response to it, that maybe I wouldn't have found by myself.  I then shared the conclusions with my partner, and he said they were really 'spot on'.  So it's an interesting thing to do, and helps shift a stuck perspective - at least in my experience!

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Today is 21st October, and I am managing to do quite a lot today - sorting through some things that I wanted to do, and actually doing them - fairly slowly, but methodically, and it feels good!

[Papa Coco]

Hope,

Good to hear you are getting things done today and that it feels good.

That's Interesting how AI helped you assess the notes from your mom. That AI is turning out to be quite a global gamechanger.

Enjoy getting things done! That is a good feeling.

PC