Post-Traumatic Growth Journal

[Desert Flower]

Hey SO, congratulations on the lot even though it didn't feel like celebrating.
I'm very proud of you ploughing on like that, doing the work that needed to be done and keeping yourself together while at it. Well done.
And it reminds me of myself too, being stressed when it 'should' be a nice thing that's happening, forget it, plough on now and enjoy later ... maybe we can start to enjoy a little tiny bit now and plough on later ...
And the fawning too, boy did I do a lot of that at my work outing, meeting all these new people, it feels like a total fall back into old patterns. But not quite, because we are aware of what's going on. So that's something too.

Take care SO and a well deserved rest maybe?
 

[sanmagic7]

well done, SO!!!  way to push thru!  i do believe the time will come when you can appreciate all you accomplished with this, the planning, the doing, the pushing through, the readiness for new growth.  i find it exciting for you.  you deserve to rest after all that.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad you got your allotment and super happy to read that you have been able to get done what you needed to. Of course it would have been lovely if all the stars had aligned and you had found yourself really feeling the therapeutic value of what you have done while you were doing it. It's good that you are journaling how you feel about it and seeing all the good and the progress you have made. I really dislike doing anything related to gardening, personally, but I find slow, repetitive movements very therapeutic so I can see how your allotment could be really grounding (if you will please pardon the pun, which was not intentional!).

I also think that if one must have a CPTSD reaction, in this particular circumstance fawning is probably the best one to have. Since a big part of the allotment project is for the social aspect, CPTSD reactions such as fight or flight would be a lot less helpful to that goal.

This really does look like a win. 

[SenseOrgan]

Desert Flower
Thank you. It would be great to enjoy our success in the moment, wouldn't it? It was there, somewhere in the back of my mind. It was enjoyable in it's own right that trauma wasn't having the last say this time. It still feels good today. Over the years, the things I'm able to enjoy shifted quite significantly under the influence of ongoing trauma stuff. I think I'm an extreme case of what you described. So willing to sacrifice a quick fulfillment over bigger rewards in the future, that it has become difficult to enjoy something now. It has it's benefits. This level doesn't look like a sign of mental health to me though.

I've been taking it very easy after kicking off this project. It's great you get this kind of thing and appreciate the need to recover. One of the * things about work is that it often doesn't leave enough time for that. I do appreciate just how lucky I am in that regard.

sanmagic7
Thank you for your support. Part of me is simply curious to see how I'd be doing over there in a year or so. Thinking about that, it's actually quite a big shift. Especially when I consider a few seriously triggering encounters I already had there. I guess the fact that I can go and leave whenever I see fit plays a big role in it. It feels more like an experiment with a potential to turn into something nice, than a situation I need to survive somehow. All social encounters over there did result in a big fawn response thus far, so I obviously don't feel safe there. Yet. I do feel a lot more comfortable and free compared to the first time I walked in there. I kinda believe in my potential to ease into this. At least to a degree. Could be wishful thinking. Will find out. In general, gardeners are nice folk, I think. I already got a bunch of veg and seeds from people I met.

NarcKiddo
Thank you. Yes, grounding, lol  . It really is. I think it was February this year that I started to clean up my backyard. Not much thinking. Physical. Just starting because I felt the itch and finally had enough energy for it. Now I have a veg garden there and in my front yard, and this new one. I started with a couple of very simple, repetitive things my overwhelmed brain could still handle. It has helped me regain cognitive capacities that had been pushed very far away by chronic overwhelm. The "brain rot" I had was quite frightening. I can't say it's completely gone, but boy did that improve. I have gardening to thank. Exercise never got me there. If you don't mind me asking, what kind of movements help you to ground?

Yeah, it could have been a lot worse than the fawn response I get. I'm actually starting to tap into anger a little bit as a response to a very triggering woman I encountered there a few times. Thus far I've been totally fawning, but right after I started to get very frustrated and unhappy that I go along with her dumping so much frustration about other people on me. I'm already very close to not having that and find myself considering good ways to make that clear to her. I'm surprising myself, actually. This is deep end of the pool kind of stuff for me. I feel more wiggle room here than with issues like this in my direct environment at home. The latter feels a lot more dangerous, like there's more at stake. Interesting.