starting over

[Blueberry]

I'm so glad that you and your d can rest now and do fun stuff together. 

             I hope you can at least see the nice weather / sky thru the window and imagine going for a walk? That's the stage I'm at rn.

And yeah, feeling emotions is tiring!
 

[Desert Flower]

on the other hand, i didn't have any hint of emotions before

There you go! That's a big thing. And feeling negative emotions is fine by me. All your emotions are yours. You may fully be here.
 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, blueberry, for your validation.  feeling emotions is definitely tiring!  and, yes, i can look out the windows, hear the birds singing, see the trees coming into leaf, and enjoy the sky.   

thanks, DF.  fully be here - what an odd concept. to me, i mean.  don't know if i've ever thought of myself as fully being here.  something to acknowledge.  every day something new . . . 

we finished watching 'firefly' and i love the theme song.  it talks about others taking everything, my land, my love, take me to the black, burn the land and boil the sea, but you can't take the sky from me.  the idea that the sky is always there for me to look at, to know, to 'have', and that no matter what else has been taken from me, i am still free cuz they can't take the sky from me . . . that kind of freedom is always there, and it's something i've spent my entire life trying for.  to be free.

it's why my road trips were where i felt safest - i had no phone, no computer in my car, no check-ins, no one could track me or know where i was - i was totally free.  that was always freedom to me - that i was by myself w/ no one telling me what to do or not to do, no one making fun of me, questioning me or my motives (i always had my own but couldn't always explain them, so i looked clueless most of the time). 

now i don't have the ability to take road trips anymore, but i do still have the sky, open and endless.  i don't ever want to forget that again.   and i don't carry people in my life anymore who dismiss or negate me, who repress me and my spirit.  that's the basis of all this - repression.  DF mentioned that i may fully be here, and i noted it was a strange concept for me.  yep, it is.  i was raised to not be fully here, to be partially here, the parts they wanted to see, that looked 'good' for others/society, just one part, the smiling part that doesn't bend the rules or rebel against them.  so now i may fully be here, i'm told.  what a concept indeed.

[Desert Flower]

big hugs San

[sanmagic7]

thanks for those hugs, DF.  i really needed them right now.

so, this concept of feeling my emotions has bit me in the butt.  it's the middle of the night, i'm in terrible pain, had a gas attack (it's a weird thing where my body cavity fills up w/ gas and puts me in terrific pain, like it's pushing all my organs into each other.  this phenomenon began for me in mexico, i even went to an acupuncturist for relief, he did an ultra sound to check out what was going on inside, and told me he couldn't see anything cuz i was filled with gas).  it's not the kind of gas that is helped by pepto or anti-gas pills cuz it's not really happening inside my stomach.

however, it renders me nearly motionless cuz of all the pain.  earlier today, just before it started, i was so angry, i was pounding on the arm of my chair - my D has to put her cat down tomorrow, she went completely downhill today (she's 19, and we knew she had some problems, have just been waiting for it to get bad enough that there was no quality of life anymore, and today was the day).  i got so mad that my D is not getting any breaks!  spent most of the day crying, feeling very emotional, but it's like my body/my system absolutely cannot manage to be ok w/ me expressing or even feeling my emotions. 

therein lies the rub.  it's supposedly a good thing to let emotions out, to feel them, express them, have them, but when i do, i pay a tremendous price.  i'm supposed to go w/ my D to the vet tomorrow, and i really don't know if i'm gonna be able to, and that makes me want to cry again.  too many emotions over too many weeks, not a break to just rest and heal.  and i end up miserable once again.  this does not feel like quality of life for me, either.  which is why i get so depressed and go to such dark places.  is this really worth it?  not if my D isn't around, it isn't.  i'm convinced.

i know i'm angry about this right now, but that scares me as well.  and so frickin' sad about the cat.  and for my D.  and she went to a doc today who wouldn't help her out one bit for disability, and she's trying to deal w/ all this crapola and hasn't worked for nearly a month now and all we do is order food and eat and watch tv cuz we don't have the energy to take care of ourselves any better.  i used to love life.

[Blueberry]

san, I'm sorry this is all so hard atm, just one thing after another  

I hope that at least the physical pain has reduced?

I understand the exhaustion of feeling emotions cuz it's often that way for me too. I wish somebody local could just take over and do stuff for you and your d, like the vet trip.

[sanmagic7]

thank you for those big hugs, blueberry.  they help a lot.  i felt better physically - it just has to pass and that just takes time.  we wanted to do the vet, wanted to be there when it happened to say good-bye.  i woke up crying this morning - this is why i didn't want to have any more pets (and this technically wasn't even mine, but i've lived w/ her for 8 yrs. now).  thank you for being here for me.

so, still in mourning.  i hate this crapola.

[Desert Flower]

Hey San, I'm really really sorry you're feeling so bad.
And I apologise if it was my comments on 'being fully here' that made you feel so bad or made you feel something you weren't up to. (All I wanted to say is, don't feel you need to hold back anything you would like to share here. Or feel that you have to share either.)
I'm feeling for you San.
It's really crappy to have to let your pet go, It really hurts. And all the medical stuff is just debilitating, it is.
I just wanna say I'm thinking of you. Wishing you all the best.
Some more big hugs.
 

[Armee]

Losing a pet is extremely difficult and painful. I'm sorry. 

A thought just popped into my head as I was writing. A spatial image cause I don't see pictures but still I get imagery in the form of a physical sense of objects in space.

You were wanting to both feel emotions but not be overwhelmed by them. So you sort of split into 2 versions of yourself. First you took your therapist self and separated out the part of you that feels emotions now (Yay for that part!). Therapist you had this part sit down and just let that part sob and scream and gave her a stuffy, a blanket, a warm beverage and just let her be there in her emotions, supported by therapist you. Good. Let it out you say to her. Then this third part of you, mom part, sneaks off without those pesky emotions and tends to your daughter. Ah! And there's a fourth part! San-San sneaks out the front door and leaves the whole mess behind and is driving down the road, rocking out in the car, hair flying in the wind, free from it all.

May there be room, space, and time for all these parts of you San, including the joyful part. 

[sanmagic7]

df, thanks for the clarification.  i never once thought the 'here' you mentioned was meaning here on the forum.  i thought it was 'here', as in reality, my being 'here' as in all of me all the time in the real world.  on the forum, i'm as here as possible, often more so than in real life, so thanks for that encouragement to continue. you didn't do anything wrong - i just went in a different direction with it, which took me down some long roads 

armee, you are so articulate, so insightful, so imaginative.  thank you for all of that.  i've read what you've written several times, and quite honestly, i wasn't able to completely follow it all, altho i think i got the general drift.  at any rate, while i might have done all those things, certainly allowed myself to let out that anger to a degree i didn't expect, it still caused me a lot of physical distress, overwhelmingly so, and that didn't feel good either for or to me.  so, all those parts may absolutely be working together to let out or refrain from doing so, the end result ends up the same.  too much emotion and my system goes down for the count, taking me with it. i know you're on my side, and am grateful for that.  thank you for caring.

the household is still unreal.  little things i'd do or notice about the cat, what she would normally do, are still there, i still have to catch myself, and she wasn't even out in public very much in these past few weeks.  nothing here is normal yet, if it ever will be.

[Chart]

Hey San, I haven't been to this journal in awhile. Just stopping by to say hello and catchup a little bit more. Hope the time is easing things a little.
 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, chart.  i know it seems like some time has passed, especially to others, but it doesn't feel like that to me.  everything still feels raw.  guess i need more time.

had a dissociative moment yesterday while driving, came back in the middle of a 4-way stop intersection that i was moving thru w/o stopping.  boy, was i surprised!  i don't recall ever doing that in my life.  still, it tells me i am very far from being ok. 

today, i managed to get in the shower, will change my sheets, and i feel wasted, as in a wasteland, devoid of nuance, bright, or energy.  once again, this has all been too much, and i'm reeling under the impact, barely able to walk, move smoothly, i'm all bent over, everything is a chore to be done, no enjoyment.  bleak.

[Chart]

My heart and thoughts go out to you, San. I hear you about driving. How many times I've caught myself suddenly realizing that I'm driving and haven't really looked in front of me for... I don't know how long... Yeah, that causes me to flip-out pretty bad. My daughter asked me to put my phone down the other day while driving and I felt really bad... I promised to stop using my phone while driving. But of course, when she's not with me I still cheat... Everything's hard. You're not alone. Wish I could help more. Sending support.
 

[Desert Flower]

Hey San, I'm sorry you're feeling so rough. I'm here with you, so you won't feel alone. Big hugs 

[Armee]