starting over

[Desert Flower]

Yes, sleep definitely cannot be forced ...
 

[sanmagic7]

you're right about that, DF.  thanks for the support.

so, last nite, i consciously was able to realize for myself this tendency i've been having to tighten up when i lay down to sleep.  i feel relaxed, playing my before-bed computer games, then look forward to reading a book by an author i enjoy, but almost as soon as i lay down, my chest tightens, my heart pounds, i feel very uncomfortable, anxious as to what in the world is going on with me!  then the run to the john to pee began as well.  so, i decided to get up, play more games, write on my book, pee when i needed, and it eventually stopped, i began falling asleep in front of the computer, which i hadn't done for a long time, and toddled myself into bed around 2.  slept until nearly 8.  and it was restful. 

now, i did take a med, but it didn't seem to help so i'm going to try w/o any tonite.  we'll see.  this has certainly become a battle royale for me, but i do feel like i accepted it more last nite, and that did result in 6 hrs. of good sleep.  we'll see.  throw it at the wall, see if it sticks.

[sanmagic7]

still struggling w/ sleep.  maybe had a ding! last nite not to worry about it, let it come or not.  i rarely have to be anywhere at a certain time early in the morning, so i can usually sleep until i can't anymore.  dang, this thing has gotten hold of me for so long.  i feel like a broken record about it.  plus, i do love to read beforehand, and i changed my thought from 'i'll read myself to sleep' with an urgency behind it, to 'i like the book i'm reading, i want to read more, so i'm just gonna read in bed, period, see what happens.  that felt kinda good.

and last nite, just before i was ready to do my routine before going to bed, my phone kept pinging, texts giving me codes to use for my paypal account.(my D helped me with that, changed my password)  you know, i'm still not comfortable w/ having all my info online - my generation was taught NEVER! to put acct. numbers, soc. sec. numbers, etc. online, yet now it's done all the time w/ supposedly 'secure'  sites that i read are getting hacked left and right.  i don't have much money in any acct., but it's vital to us, so the idea that someone was possibly trying to hack into mine felt devastating, filled me w/ anxiety, and that took another several hours to calm down from.  honestly, i'm not a fan of this technology for all my business stuff, and don't even get me started on AI!

[Armee]

I totally agree with you San. I hate how this online financial stuff has been pushed and normalized so much that we all have no choice but to tolerate and expect the security risks.

It's really unsettling to see someone trying to get into your account and especially before bed!

I know the sleep has been a huge struggle and good sleep is so important to overall wellbeing. I like the mental shift you are trying to make to lessen the pressure around falling asleep. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, armee, for your support.  i know i seem really old to those who have grown up w/ all this technology, but i don't believe some of the old school stuff was all bad.  i think a lot of skills, like conversation, math (i remember many years ago when cash registers started doing the calculations for making change, and the cashiers lost the ability to subtract or figure out how to make change on their own anymore), focus, patience, face-to-face interactions - they just don't have practice w/ it anymore!  at any rate, yeah, being forced to accept a different way does not sit well w/ me. besides, this stuff is scary.

had an interaction w/ a woman of color who lives in our building the other day.  in the past month, the police have been called twice, once about a complaint from a neighbor about her making noise, and a few days ago about her son, some friends of his, and i heard the word 'gun' used, and 'firearm', and one of the friends was taken away in handcuffs.  the next day my D and i saw that same kid talking w/ the son and them driving away together. 

yesterday, the son was tapping on our windows, both in my D's room, and in the living room (sliding glass doors), then began buzzing apts. trying to get someone to let him in. (this happens several times a month)  my D was freaked out by someone rapping on the door to her room, and then went to the intercom, told the kid to stop.  he retaliated by buzzing over and over again - and our buzzer is obnoxiously loud! so when i saw the mom walking the dog, i approached her about it - i'd rather tell her than get her in trouble w/ the landlord.  told her what her son had done, she just told me i didn't have to worry about it for long, cuz they were moving, too much racism, her son has a scholarship, and he must feel comfortable rapping on our doors cuz he's forgetful about his keys, but that she'd talk to him.

i felt really bad for her, told her i did, offered her a hug, which she declined, and came away from the whole thing feeling awful. when i told my D about it, she got mad the woman talked to me like that, said the whole 'he feels comfortable' thing is cuz our doors are next to the building entrance, and we didn't yell at him the few times he did it before.  i don't know, interactions w/ people that don't go smoothly, especially w/ strangers, just upsets me all over the place, but my D kept trying to reassure me that i didn't do anything wrong, she also felt bad about the racism thing, but that we'd already talked to her about this and it didn't stop.

ugh!  i can't really speak to racism, but i know it's terrible and my heart goes out to anyone dealing w/ that.  i was also trying to do what i thought was the right thing by not talking to the managers about this, cuz i knew she was fighting to stay in her apt. and i didn't want to cause more trouble for her.  it just left a bad feeling w/ me.  very upsetting. took me nearly the entire day to not want to reach for meds cuz it shook me to the core. 

10 to go.

[sanmagic7]

well, more bad news on the neighbor front this morning.  my D went to retrieve a package sent by a friend w/ a homemade bracelet inside in honor of my D's b-day, and she found it ripped open and empty.  what a horrible way to start the day!  i'm beside myself, too many emotions i'm sure are running around inside but the only one that pops out is disbelief.  *!

9 more to go.