Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

[SenseOrgan]

I just want to say I think the direction you're taking this in is actual strength. As opposed to our survival self, which is so often perceived as strong by others who aren't in the know about CPTSD. Your awareness of your vulnerabilities and potential pitfalls, and your compassionate commitment to your long term health are very positive in my book. It honstely makes me want to cheer for you!

I'm wondering if you're allowed to take someone with you to the chat with the company doctor. That could perhaps help you to say what you actually want to say because it provides more safety. I agree with you that it would be problematic if the doc only talks to your keep-on-going part without knowing what's going on. There are a couple of angles you can work this from. It partially depends on your official diagnosis, I guess. If you have a PTSD diagnosis, that would help. If not, perhaps you could clarify what you deal with by drawing a parallel with the buildup to a burnout. This is language the doc should understand. You could explain that what happened recently has been building for decades, and that it's trauma related. And that you had to learn to hide it even if you're not doing well at all. That it culminated in a crisis, and that it's not sustainable to continue as you did after you have recovered again. That you have this vulnerability and it needs to be taken into account. Not only for a short period of time, but always. Sustainable is the key word. It's in nobody's interest to have you in a crisis again. The risk for that needs to land with the doc, if you ask me.

You're navigating difficult terrain. I think you're doing great Desert Flower! 

[Papa Coco]

Desert Flower,

I like what you said about how the times when you felt safe were the times when you felt connected to your Self. That's a powerful realization. And it is very true for me too. Authenticity is something we with CPTSD often missed out on. We became what we thought we had to so we could feel safe, rather than grow and nurture and celebrate who we actually were born to be.

I watched a documentary on the making of the TV series Stranger Things. The Duffer brothers, who wrote, produced and filmed the series, and are now in their 40s were given a camera for their 9th birthdays by parents who wanted to support their true desires. It's rare to find people who's parents supported their authentic selves, and when we find them, we recognize that they are solid, authentic, creative people today.

Whenever I watch documentaries on successful people, the one common denominator is that they had someone, somewhere, supporting their authenticity when they were very young. One thing I like about IFS therapy is it lets me be the adult who starts to support the inner children in me who are still waiting for permission to be validated and authentically themselves. It's a process, and it works. And as each little IFS part finds their own authentic selves, my overall authenticity gets just a tiny bit clearer to me.

As you've pointed out, with authenticity comes a feeling of satisfaction and safety and power.

We here are headed in the right direction. We support each other. And it feels goooooood.

[Desert Flower]

These past couple of days have been quite the roller coaster. I'm almost gasping for air. I expect to be calming down again in the next couple of hours. Thank 'some benign force in the universe' for yoga this evening!

I had been desperately trying to enlist the proper mental health care for myself and I finally did. WOW.

In my country, waiting times for publicly funded psychotherapy are terrible, they range from a (theoretical) two weeks up to six months or beyond. That is, for the specialised mental health care that I need. It is an incomprehensible labyrinth too. And it made me quite desperate these last couple of days. I began to lose hope.

The health insurance company had come back with a so called answer to my question (I asked for their permission for a longer term trajectory) that wasn't an answer to that question at all! They said they now found the practitioner in my region that had the shortest waiting time, which amounted to 10 - 12 weeks. And I looked her up and I didn't like her photo (which is silly I know). But the institution I was referred to before by the GP had said they had a two weeks waiting time, for the short trajectory that is. Only they said my insurance didn't cover the longer. So then, I didn't know what to do anymore, and I made an appointment to talk this over with the GP (that's tomorrow - and then the company doctor on Friday, it's a LOT). But that's six weeks after I crashed and landed in her office already! Bloody H***!!! This was going nowhere.

So these past couple of days, I did a frantic search of any reasonable specialised mental health available in any reasonable time frame in my region. And finally I got myself enlisted with an actual psychiatrist today! This is monumental to me really. I needed this to happen. It's been so long in the making. I hope to finally get an official diagnosis now too. Well, 30 years ago, I got a diagnosis that said PTSD, Identity Problems and 'Life Phase Problems' (whatever that last bit was, I've been having problems in every phase of life, I can safely say now). And the psychologist I was with last year wrote down I have 'complex trauma', so that's fair enough too. But still. Oh Recognition, it is so important to me.

This seems to be an old fashioned psychiatrist. He doesn't have a fancy website and I find that comforting somehow. And he is an independent psychiatrist, not working from one of the big health care organisations that we have, and I like that too (although it could be a risk, another part of me says). And he has 30 plus years of experience. And although he says he does't treat PTSD (hmm), he does treat fear and anxiety and developmental disorders (which should include attachment disorders), and this means we will be addressing the fearful part of me (even if I'm the only one who knows that) and that's fair enough to me at this point. He asked me what my biggest problem was at the moment and I said Fear and that got me in. He sounded kind enough and his picture looks it too. And my intake will be in two weeks! I spoke to him (not some telephone person or secretary or what have you) and made the actual appointment. It is scheduled! I almost cannot believe it.

I will have to wait and see whether this will work out at all of course. But that goes for the big health care institutions just as well, you never know where you will end up (possibly group therapy AARGH) until you get there and talk to them for real. But at least this will be (reasonably) fast now and that's really important to me because waiting around does not improve my symptoms, quite the contrary!

Now that this actual help is on the way, I think I'll wait with the parts therapy that was gonna start in February or thereabouts. See what this does first and not do too many different things at a time. Also, parts therapy is not considered 'regular care' in my country and was gonna have to be funded by me privately. If this doesn't work out, I can always try parts therapy later.

The thing is, it doesn't even matter so much to me whether it will be care that fits perfectly (could it ever?), what matters most to me at this point, is that I don't want to be doing this all by myself anymore, I want to have some human support. (That's actually why this Forum is invaluable to me too!) I don't even need these complaints to go away completely maybe, and I did all the psycho education myself already anyway, as long as I can share the burden somehow. I know everybody is struggling, I know this is what life is, I might be able to accept this, when I know I'm not alone. (Even if that sounds strange having a h and kids, but they have their own lives too). To have some support for (the Assembly of) ME. And I want some help NOW please.

I am wiped though. Maybe take a little nap this afternoon.

(Long story, apologies. Needed to get this off my chest.)

[SenseOrgan]

Congratulations Desert Flower! It's very impressive how you're advocating for yourself. That crisis isn't going to waste. 

[NarcKiddo]

I hope the appointment goes well. I am really proud of you and happy that you persisted with your search and I hope you will be rewarded. I think it is also valuable that you recognise that perfect help might be hard to come by, but good enough help could be achievable.

As for rejecting a T on the basis of their picture - I am so with you on that. I chose my current T in no small part because I liked her picture. Liking it was not so important but was very important was that I did not DISLIKE it. I picked my gallbladder surgeon based on his photo. The choice was only between 2 and they both had very similar qualifications. However the guy I picked looked like someone I could trust and when I met him in person I felt I had made the right decision.

[TheBigBlue]

That sounds very encouraging, DF, and I hope the appointment goes well.

... perfect help might be hard to come by, but good enough help could be achievable.

   to NK, Donald Winnicott's "good-enough parent" and Peter Walker's "good-enough therapist" (paraphrasing latter: healing does not require a perfect therapist, what matters is basic reliability, emotional attunement, and non-abandonment).

[Chart]

 
Very cool Agency, DF.
It's good to know that actions we take, however hard and complex, can achieve things.
Step by step, understanding, growth, movement on the path.
Love and hugs.
 

[Desert Flower]

Thanks again, everyone.
 

Papa Coco:    Authenticity and Connection. Those are key imo.

And SO, about what you said/suggested regarding the company doctor, thank you for your helpful comments. These are good suggestions. I generally do not even think of this possibility to take someone with me, it's a very strong pattern to think I have to do everything myself. In this case, it will be a telephone appointment. And I did talk to this particular company doctor before and my impression is he is okay and on my side. He already knows about the trauma and the psychological help I had before. He's seen a vulnerable side of me already. So it will not be that hard to explain I'm not yet where we would like to be. The most important thing now, in my mind, is to explain to him that I think this situation will more likely be permanant (or long term at least) than temporary. And that it may/will require some adjustments to make my situation sustainable, as you said.

Spoke to the GP this morning and got the referral to the Psychiatrist I found.

Still awfully tired. Didn't sleep all to well, because first my daughter snuggled into bed late last night to talk, which is precious actually and nice too, and after that I thought I heard a mouse in the room and that made it hard to relax and sleep. Hoping to catch some sleep later.

Other than that, I am a little more relaxed now that I found the Psychiatrist, I'm really happy about that.

[Desert Flower]

I am so with you on that

And thank you for that too NK! Made me smile.

[HannahOne]

  So glad you were able to get an appointment with the psychiatrist, and persevere to get the help you need in a challenging system!   

[sanmagic7]

    so glad for you!  love and hugs

[Desert Flower]

Conversation with company doctor was very supportive. I was able to get across that this is long term. He will not be expecting me back at work any time soon.

He said I do not have to change myself, but change the way my life is organised so it will fit me better.

And, food for (lots and lots of) thought: he thinks I have Autism Spectrum Disorder. Very interesting. My mind is working over time now. Something to discuss with the psychiatrist in a few weeks.

For now, try to keep calm and carry on ...

[HannahOne]

Desert Flower, I have been following your posts as you look for care. 

I was interested that the doctor thaught you may have ASD. I had two thoughts about ASD and CPTSD. If you don't want to read them please skip over, I don't want to take up your journal in any way Please let me know if you prefer not to have longer comment.

It made me want to mention that people with ASD have sensitive nervous systems. So may be more prone to develop CPTSD, which is really a nervous system disorder. For example wearing sunglasses all day even inside. See if it reduces your overall overwhelm. Or wearing earplugs all day for a day. I have a child with ASD also late diagnosed and using sensory support helped her nervous system a lot. With less sensory overwhelm she could cope better with interpersonal stresses.

the other feature of ASD that can lead to developing CPTSD is the pragmatic language piece, where it's harder to read tone and body language or infer, and that can lead to other people being critical or negative toward the person with ASD. For example my child with ASD struggles to read tone and body language, she will think people are angry at her when they are not. Also, people WERE upset with her more, because they did not understand her needs, or why she was reacting emotionally the way she was, which led to a constant disconnect between her and others. She developed trauma around relationships. SLP can help explain pragmatics. The more my child understood her own experience of communication the safer she felt.

The best thing we did was teach her to self advocate up front. Before an interaction she could say, "I have a communication disability so I will be asking a lot of questions to clarify." or "I need you to speak in concrete terms." or "If you're upset with me please tell me right away as I may not realize it and I want us to have a good relationship." It tells people what to expect, which reduces misunderstanding and misattunement. She was aware of where communication could "go wrong" and then she wasn't being retraumatized all the time by repeated interactions where she was misunderstood, criticized etc. I don't have ASD but have found these tools useful myself with CPTSD.

Whether you have ASD or not I hope you continue to get the care you need and I'm so glad that the pressure is off to go back to work right nowQ

[sanmagic7]

hey, DF, i'm on the cusp, and i can see how that played out as i look back on my life, how it still plays out at times.    good luck when you see the psych.  and well done talking to the doc and getting that all straightened out for yourself. 

keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs

[TheBigBlue]

  good for you for standing up for yourself!
Good luck with your T appointment.