Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

[SenseOrgan]

I just want to say I think the direction you're taking this in is actual strength. As opposed to our survival self, which is so often perceived as strong by others who aren't in the know about CPTSD. Your awareness of your vulnerabilities and potential pitfalls, and your compassionate commitment to your long term health are very positive in my book. It honstely makes me want to cheer for you!

I'm wondering if you're allowed to take someone with you to the chat with the company doctor. That could perhaps help you to say what you actually want to say because it provides more safety. I agree with you that it would be problematic if the doc only talks to your keep-on-going part without knowing what's going on. There are a couple of angles you can work this from. It partially depends on your official diagnosis, I guess. If you have a PTSD diagnosis, that would help. If not, perhaps you could clarify what you deal with by drawing a parallel with the buildup to a burnout. This is language the doc should understand. You could explain that what happened recently has been building for decades, and that it's trauma related. And that you had to learn to hide it even if you're not doing well at all. That it culminated in a crisis, and that it's not sustainable to continue as you did after you have recovered again. That you have this vulnerability and it needs to be taken into account. Not only for a short period of time, but always. Sustainable is the key word. It's in nobody's interest to have you in a crisis again. The risk for that needs to land with the doc, if you ask me.

You're navigating difficult terrain. I think you're doing great Desert Flower! 

[Papa Coco]

Desert Flower,

I like what you said about how the times when you felt safe were the times when you felt connected to your Self. That's a powerful realization. And it is very true for me too. Authenticity is something we with CPTSD often missed out on. We became what we thought we had to so we could feel safe, rather than grow and nurture and celebrate who we actually were born to be.

I watched a documentary on the making of the TV series Stranger Things. The Duffer brothers, who wrote, produced and filmed the series, and are now in their 40s were given a camera for their 9th birthdays by parents who wanted to support their true desires. It's rare to find people who's parents supported their authentic selves, and when we find them, we recognize that they are solid, authentic, creative people today.

Whenever I watch documentaries on successful people, the one common denominator is that they had someone, somewhere, supporting their authenticity when they were very young. One thing I like about IFS therapy is it lets me be the adult who starts to support the inner children in me who are still waiting for permission to be validated and authentically themselves. It's a process, and it works. And as each little IFS part finds their own authentic selves, my overall authenticity gets just a tiny bit clearer to me.

As you've pointed out, with authenticity comes a feeling of satisfaction and safety and power.

We here are headed in the right direction. We support each other. And it feels goooooood.