Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

[Desert Flower]

Just want to get a quick note in. I've been reading some of your journals, but I seem to be unable or unwilling to respond somehow, I apologise.

I was supposed to have started work again this week, after the holidays. But the problem is I don't know 'where I am' so to speak, how much I should be doing or not, and I don't trust my own judgement anymore to keep taking care of myself in the process. I'm afraid that as I go along, I will again 'forget' that I cannot keep on going relentlessly and that at some point I will start ignoring the signs that I'm not well and 'forget' taking care of all of me. That the keep-on-going part of me -that just wants to be 'normal' and forget there's something 'wrong' with me - will take over again.

I've been thinking a lot lately. Too much probably. And I'm not very active. Although I do do my yoga, that's helpful. And took a long walk through the snow (I'm afraid to drive through snow). And internal triggers are still happening. I'm not very stable.

I've been thinking and reading about parts and dissociation. It feels like a relief all my parts are now allowed to be here. That makes me calmer. But it makes me hesitant which part to listen to when deciding to undertake any activity or not. I am  inclined to listen to the scared part at the moment, because it was ignored so much towards the end of last year. But this results in me not undertaking much.

I'm waiting for the proper mental health care to start. Today, I got a call from the mental health care facility saying my insurance only covers a short trajectory. And I think I will be needing therapy for a longer period of time. And they said that I should call the insurance company and ask permission for a longer duration of therapy. So I did. And then this woman unexpectedly asked me to explain in five minutes why I thought I needed it. This was very stressful. Luckily, I had already made the resolution to not downplay any of my symptoms, like the keep-on-going part can do so well. So I hope I did alright. They will let me know next week hopefully. In the meantime, I signed up for the short term therapy, just to be sure I'll have that at least and I should be having an intake for that in about two weeks.

In the meantime, I'm not sure what to do with myself really. Part of me is ashamed I'm not doing much and another part of my thinks it's okay, I may take my time and not take any risks. My English is rusty too, apologies.

[Blueberry]

  to you

[Chart]

DF, in the second world war the Americans used the term 'combat fatigue'. Regardless what it meant to people back then, I sure as heck identify with the term right now. I'm absolutely EXHAUSTED... I've forced myself to work theses past couple of weeks... it's a complete horror. Zero energy and my body has simply said 'nope'.

Sounds like you're in similar straights. I don't want to project on you, but for me I'm guessing that my life has really been a war and I've been battling since... since conception actually... The struggle has now fully caught up with me. I'm starting to get seriously scared about the future and work. But regardless, I need to rest. I now spend full weeks in bed. I wake up exhausted, having nonetheless slept long and deeply. I'm in relatively constant pain... wait... my intention wasn't that... (All that's just my "qualifications" :-)
DF, I think it's great the realizations and changes you've made recently. And it's not easy... at all. Which "part" to listen to is a slick question. And there's certainly no quick answer. Me, I do "negotiation" internally. I try to see what's coming and what the priorities are AND THEN try to make an evaluation of what my inner children and body need. Next I wonder consciously if there's a possibility to work through all the parameters and constraints in such a way as to "satisfy" all parties... Note: I NEVER find a "solution" right off the bat. But I know from experience that the process will trickle down into my unconscious... and it's there that all the "real" problem-solving occurs.

Just some observations and random thoughts.

And YEAH! to continuing yoga!
 

[sanmagic7]

DF, i relate a whole lot to the idea of the 'what i used to be able to do' thoughts, and the uncertainty now about how much my system tolerates in reality.  being able to know where a good stopping point is for us can be so nerve-wracking!  i think it's part of the process of getting to know ourselves better in the here and now, our capabilities, our stopping points.  up and down and around and around.

after all that, tho, i do think you're doing a good job of wading thru all of it and that it'll come easier as you keep practicing.  with you all the way.  love and hugs

[TheBigBlue]

Dear DF, I just wanted to say I hear how hard and uncertain this moment is for you. Not knowing which part to listen to, and the fear of slipping back into pushing past your limits, makes a lot of sense to me. It sounds like you're doing the best you can right now: yoga, walking, advocating for yourself with insurance, even while feeling shaky and unsure. That doesn't read as failure or avoidance to me, it reads as care in a very tender phase.

You don't need to have answers or be "productive" to belong. I hope the next steps with therapy bring some steadiness, and until then, you're not alone in this in-between space. 🌱

[HannahOne]

Hi Desert Flower.
I was moved by your brave post laying out your experience. Hooray for your self-awareness! For your understanding of the parts of you, and how it might play out as you try to take good care of yourself, and your self-advocacy with the insurance company. 

I relate to having parts that go on as normal, not taking into account my physical and emotional needs, and parts that want to forget that I have these needs. You said you're reading about parts and it made me want to mention Janina Fisher. She has a book, workbook and a web site with lots of articles. We make have spoken about her before here on the journals, I forget LOL.

I relate to your struggle about which part to listen to, they're all so loud! And often polarized in what I should do, like should I work like crazy or sleep all weekend? I try to listen to the parts, but then act from the All of Me who survived everything and is here in the present and will have both perspectives in mind. I know it's "All of Me" when I am curious about my different parts, feeling compassionate toward myself, and have some calm and clarity, and can see the wisdom of both parts' perspective and find a balance.

I am so sorry you had to explain to insurance why you need longer term therapy, that sounds stressful, and unreasonable of them to demand. I'm glad you were able tp persevere and I hope you can get the help you need and deserve when dealing with CPTSD. I'm glad you can get short term support in the meantime! 

[Desert Flower]

WOW, I'm amazed again at the amount of support and compassion you are sending me here, after my 'confused' writing. It's hard to respond to everything all of you wrote but be sure I read it and am taking it in, dear Blueberry, Chart, San, TheBigBlue and HannahOne.

Chart, yes, now that I've got all these parts in sight, or many of them, what you say resonates, the job is to let them co-operate and negotiate as a team and 'me' evolving into a team leader of "the Assembly of Me".

HannahOne, yes, we had been talking about parts before in our journals, and I had in fact been reading Janina Fisher and that's how I got to thinking about parts and dissociation and "the Assembly of Me".

Thank you all.

[NarcKiddo]

It's really weird coming to terms with parts, I find. I found Janina Fisher very helpful. I don't have many parts (at least I don't think I do), just a couple of inner children, but they are capable of hijacking adult me completely and without my realising - especially teenage NK. I didn't realise she did that, actually, until she did it during a therapy session but hesitated and adult NK became aware of her pulling down the shutter, as it were.

It sounds like you dealt with that unexpected phone call very well and I hope you get the desired result.

 

[Desert Flower]

Thank you too NK. I think actually one of my problems has been that it was usually my keep-on-going part that came to therapy. I'm not sure any of the other parts were ever really there. Keep-on-going did mention them, some of them at least, but they never showed up in full glory so to speak. I think it's a very good sign that your teenage part did show up in your therapy, that she felt enough trust in you and the therapist to do that.

So far, I think I identified 12 parts. I wrote them down. I'm not sure whether they 'count' as alters psychologically, but I am sure they are there. They are more like 'streams of feeling' I enter than persons maybe. I'll leave that up to the doctors to decide. Actually, I am really looking forward to hearing their opinion about this. And I'm not sure they are all distinct parts, some of whom like to work together, or if some of them are actually different sides of a few larger parts. What I do know, is that they are seperated to some extent and that it's awfully hard to willingly switch back to a 'healthier' part. And whenever I feel anyone is trying to make me switch back to a healthy part, I get really angry. That is, an angry part gets triggered.

Like just now, one of my best and dearest friends stopped by. She had actually seen the distress I was in before Christmas. And now I told her that I'm hesitant to go back to work because 'this' has actually been going on for decades and I don't want to hide it anymore. I do not want to start working again under the 'pretense' that with a few months of guidance or whatever, we will be up and running again and everything will be fine again. This is an impression that may have occurred before because I have been in different jobs through the years and it takes the company people a while to figure out there is actually a pattern here. It is not really a pretence either because my keep-on-going part really does feel it is going to get / should be getting better. But this is the process that ignores the other parts, like I said earlier.

So I now told my friend I want to tell the company doctor (that we must see whenever we're on sick leave for a certain period) that this is in fact something that has been going on for decades, that we should not expect to get well and have it over with in six months or whatever. But then my friend started telling me that I am in fact strong, that I did perform well over the years etc. And this is invalidation of the parts that are feeling insecure, scared and angry. They do not want to be put away again behind this facade of keep-on-going. This is exactly what has been going on for all this time but I now want to find a way to function with all these parts participating so to speak, to let all of them be here. But I get the feeling really quickly that most people, including the well meaning ones (maybe especially those), just want to be rid of the scared etc. parts as fast as possible. Which upsets them. So what I think I need to be telling the company doctor is that he is probably talking to the keep-on-going part, but we should not ignore the other parts. I hope he will understand. This might be hard. My friend said it's always the question, in these situations, of how much we should tell. But I just don't want to hide these parts anymore, it does not feel right.

[TheBigBlue]

DF, reading your post really touched something I have been circling myself lately – especially the part about being told you are "strong" or that you have functioned well, and how that can land as invalidating rather than supportive.

I went through a major collapse over the past two weeks: more than 50 years of enmeshment with the "loving" parent and a borrowed sense of external safety dissolved, leaving me falling without ever having developed internal safety or a stable sense of self. When I asked my therapist where that internal safety was supposed to come from, she said, "from your inner strength." She meant well, but it made things worse. So in the following session, I tried to put words to why this didn't land:

Why "Inner Strength" Does Not Land – A Developmental Mismatch
When I hear "you have great inner strength," (something my CBT T said a lot) my system reacts with anger – not because I reject growth or don't understand the CBT intent, but because in my case, what looked like "strength" was actually over-adaptation. Survival depended on hyper-functioning, vigilance, maintaining harmony, suppressing my own reality and needs to preserve connection – self-erasure through compliance, endurance, silence, and not burdening others. That came at the cost of authenticity, needs, and safety. There was no opportunity to develop an internal self that could hold safety.
So when those same CPTSD adaptations are praised now, it feels like harm is being misnamed as virtue – like being congratulated for what nearly destroyed me. On a nervous-system level, "you have great inner strength" also lands as: you should already have the thing you were never given the chance to develop. That's why it feels invalidating. It also triggers my abandonment wire: if I'm told to "find it in myself" before it exists, I experience it as being left alone with the collapse – one of my core hot wires.
Internal safety isn't something I can simply access, will into existence or derive from the same adaptations that kept me alive. Those survival strategies cannot be the foundation of the future.
What research actually shows – and what finally made sense to me – is that internal safety doesn't originate from willpower, insight, or reframing. It develops relationally, very early in life, through repeated experiences of co-regulation. Through being seen, soothed, and responded to, the nervous system learns that distress can settle and connection is reliable. Even when that opportunity wasn't available in childhood, internal safety can still be built later – but it still forms through relationship, not "strength." It requires attuned presence and co-regulation after collapse, not assumptions that the internal structure already exists. The basis from which real strength eventually grows is the capacity to stay in connection without erasing myself. The fact that my therapist didn't dispute this, but actually thanked me for clarifying it, was gold. It helped stop the terror. I'm not on solid ground yet, but I am much more regulated.

One more thing I wanted to gently flag – please take or leave this as it fits best – regarding the company doctor. I've become cautious there, simply because their role is often structurally aligned with returning people to work as efficiently as possible, and their mandate or training may not be well suited to holding complexity or parts-based realities. That doesn't mean you need to hide or betray yourself – just that discernment about how much to share, and with whom, may protect you from further invalidation.

What you're describing doesn't sound like failure to me. It sounds like a real developmental shift – painful, destabilizing, but also honest. I'm really glad you're letting all parts be here now, even though it makes everything slower and harder. You make a lot of sense to me.

[Desert Flower]

Hi TheBigBlue, thank you for your thoughtful response. And I'm very sorry you have had to experience such a major collapse these past weeks. I do hope with you will feel better soon.

Many times when writing here on the forum I feel I'm just letting out the words to let them out. Many times I do not expect to be met with such understanding and wisdom. When I am, it just amazes me. Like now.

what looked like "strength" was actually over-adaptation. Survival depended on hyper-functioning, vigilance, maintaining harmony, suppressing my own reality and needs to preserve connection – self-erasure through compliance, endurance, silence, and not burdening others. That came at the cost of authenticity, needs, and safety.

This resonates deeply. It makes very good sense to me why indeed it bothers me so whenever people point out I'm 'strong'.

And what you write about internal safety resonates deeply too. The times that I did feel safe internally were the times I was connected to what I have come to call my Self. And be able to relate to others from that Self.

I'll think some more about what to tell or not to tell the company doctor. Maybe not mention the parts. But do point out that this pattern has been going on for decades.