Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

[Desert Flower]

Just want to get a quick note in. I've been reading some of your journals, but I seem to be unable or unwilling to respond somehow, I apologise.

I was supposed to have started work again this week, after the holidays. But the problem is I don't know 'where I am' so to speak, how much I should be doing or not, and I don't trust my own judgement anymore to keep taking care of myself in the process. I'm afraid that as I go along, I will again 'forget' that I cannot keep on going relentlessly and that at some point I will start ignoring the signs that I'm not well and 'forget' taking care of all of me. That the keep-on-going part of me -that just wants to be 'normal' and forget there's something 'wrong' with me - will take over again.

I've been thinking a lot lately. Too much probably. And I'm not very active. Although I do do my yoga, that's helpful. And took a long walk through the snow (I'm afraid to drive through snow). And internal triggers are still happening. I'm not very stable.

I've been thinking and reading about parts and dissociation. It feels like a relief all my parts are now allowed to be here. That makes me calmer. But it makes me hesitant which part to listen to when deciding to undertake any activity or not. I am  inclined to listen to the scared part at the moment, because it was ignored so much towards the end of last year. But this results in me not undertaking much.

I'm waiting for the proper mental health care to start. Today, I got a call from the mental health care facility saying my insurance only covers a short trajectory. And I think I will be needing therapy for a longer period of time. And they said that I should call the insurance company and ask permission for a longer duration of therapy. So I did. And then this woman unexpectedly asked me to explain in five minutes why I thought I needed it. This was very stressful. Luckily, I had already made the resolution to not downplay any of my symptoms, like the keep-on-going part can do so well. So I hope I did alright. They will let me know next week hopefully. In the meantime, I signed up for the short term therapy, just to be sure I'll have that at least and I should be having an intake for that in about two weeks.

In the meantime, I'm not sure what to do with myself really. Part of me is ashamed I'm not doing much and another part of my thinks it's okay, I may take my time and not take any risks. My English is rusty too, apologies.

[Blueberry]

  to you

[Chart]

DF, in the second world war the Americans used the term 'combat fatigue'. Regardless what it meant to people back then, I sure as heck identify with the term right now. I'm absolutely EXHAUSTED... I've forced myself to work theses past couple of weeks... it's a complete horror. Zero energy and my body has simply said 'nope'.

Sounds like you're in similar straights. I don't want to project on you, but for me I'm guessing that my life has really been a war and I've been battling since... since conception actually... The struggle has now fully caught up with me. I'm starting to get seriously scared about the future and work. But regardless, I need to rest. I now spend full weeks in bed. I wake up exhausted, having nonetheless slept long and deeply. I'm in relatively constant pain... wait... my intention wasn't that... (All that's just my "qualifications" :-)
DF, I think it's great the realizations and changes you've made recently. And it's not easy... at all. Which "part" to listen to is a slick question. And there's certainly no quick answer. Me, I do "negotiation" internally. I try to see what's coming and what the priorities are AND THEN try to make an evaluation of what my inner children and body need. Next I wonder consciously if there's a possibility to work through all the parameters and constraints in such a way as to "satisfy" all parties... Note: I NEVER find a "solution" right off the bat. But I know from experience that the process will trickle down into my unconscious... and it's there that all the "real" problem-solving occurs.

Just some observations and random thoughts.

And YEAH! to continuing yoga!
 

[sanmagic7]

DF, i relate a whole lot to the idea of the 'what i used to be able to do' thoughts, and the uncertainty now about how much my system tolerates in reality.  being able to know where a good stopping point is for us can be so nerve-wracking!  i think it's part of the process of getting to know ourselves better in the here and now, our capabilities, our stopping points.  up and down and around and around.

after all that, tho, i do think you're doing a good job of wading thru all of it and that it'll come easier as you keep practicing.  with you all the way.  love and hugs

[TheBigBlue]

Dear DF, I just wanted to say I hear how hard and uncertain this moment is for you. Not knowing which part to listen to, and the fear of slipping back into pushing past your limits, makes a lot of sense to me. It sounds like you're doing the best you can right now: yoga, walking, advocating for yourself with insurance, even while feeling shaky and unsure. That doesn't read as failure or avoidance to me, it reads as care in a very tender phase.

You don't need to have answers or be "productive" to belong. I hope the next steps with therapy bring some steadiness, and until then, you're not alone in this in-between space. 🌱

[HannahOne]

Hi Desert Flower.
I was moved by your brave post laying out your experience. Hooray for your self-awareness! For your understanding of the parts of you, and how it might play out as you try to take good care of yourself, and your self-advocacy with the insurance company. 

I relate to having parts that go on as normal, not taking into account my physical and emotional needs, and parts that want to forget that I have these needs. You said you're reading about parts and it made me want to mention Janina Fisher. She has a book, workbook and a web site with lots of articles. We make have spoken about her before here on the journals, I forget LOL.

I relate to your struggle about which part to listen to, they're all so loud! And often polarized in what I should do, like should I work like crazy or sleep all weekend? I try to listen to the parts, but then act from the All of Me who survived everything and is here in the present and will have both perspectives in mind. I know it's "All of Me" when I am curious about my different parts, feeling compassionate toward myself, and have some calm and clarity, and can see the wisdom of both parts' perspective and find a balance.

I am so sorry you had to explain to insurance why you need longer term therapy, that sounds stressful, and unreasonable of them to demand. I'm glad you were able tp persevere and I hope you can get the help you need and deserve when dealing with CPTSD. I'm glad you can get short term support in the meantime! 

[Desert Flower]

WOW, I'm amazed again at the amount of support and compassion you are sending me here, after my 'confused' writing. It's hard to respond to everything all of you wrote but be sure I read it and am taking it in, dear Blueberry, Chart, San, TheBigBlue and HannahOne.

Chart, yes, now that I've got all these parts in sight, or many of them, what you say resonates, the job is to let them co-operate and negotiate as a team and 'me' evolving into a team leader of "the Assembly of Me".

HannahOne, yes, we had been talking about parts before in our journals, and I had in fact been reading Janina Fisher and that's how I got to thinking about parts and dissociation and "the Assembly of Me".

Thank you all.