Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

Desert Flower · August 16, 2025, 06:24:14 PM

OH, I forgot the GOOD news!

I got some new tattoos. Had been meaning to get those and squeezed that into my schedule somehow

One is a "Cassandra" lettering tattoo, in an old typewriter font, running down my entire shin. For the Cassandra-syndrome, and believing there is actually 'something' going on with me.

And the other is 'Anxiety' from the Inside Out 2-movie. She's been trying to protect me for such a long time, I've been thinking I need to honour her, not condemn her. She's been my Friend really.

Chart · August 17, 2025, 07:41:54 AM

Thankyou for sharing all that DF. It affects me deeply.

Desert Flower · August 17, 2025, 10:28:53 AM

Thank you Chart, for reading all that. I appreciate it.

StartingHealing · August 17, 2025, 03:56:23 PM

Desert Flower,

Congrats on the new tats!

I resonate with what you wrote about your mother and not really "missing" her.

Sounds to me like you are doing fantastic.

Wishing you and yours, all the best

SenseOrgan · August 21, 2025, 11:25:12 AM

Thank you for sharing Desert Flower. You're handling the aftermath of your mothers passing amazingly well. Maybe even life in general, as challenging as it often gets for people with such a big heart.

sanmagic7 · August 21, 2025, 12:49:02 PM

Desert Flower · September 12, 2025, 10:03:26 AM

So I've been doing quite all right I should say.

Only a minor 'crash' this week which is forgivable (although it is remarkable to be using that word, seems the IC is still at work here).

I had my breast examination last wednesday. And everything looks all right luckily. But I was really very very stressed about it. I went there alone, because I never know who to ask to come along to these kinds of things, it always seems too much to ask. My husband is caught up in work still.

And it had been really busy again these past weeks, kids back to school, too much work at my job, still handling our late mother's estate etc. etc.

So yesterday, I felt I had really overstretched myself and I felt very tired and wired and I called in sick. I think visiting the hospital with this condition should be explanation enough and my manager did respond compassionately so okay. So that was the 'crash' but really I just needed some time to reset and I took that so well done me.

Still tired though. Well all right.

SenseOrgan · September 12, 2025, 10:12:34 AM

Yes, well done you!

sanmagic7 · September 12, 2025, 01:20:32 PM

ditto

well done you, DF! and so happy the results were good. love and hugs

NarcKiddo · September 12, 2025, 04:24:02 PM

Well done for getting to and through the examination. I'm glad the result was good. And well done for taking the day off work you so clearly needed.

Blueberry · September 12, 2025, 08:04:43 PM

Well done you, DF

Desert Flower · September 13, 2025, 06:22:49 AM

Thank you, dear friends, for cheering.
That's actually what little me needed, being seen, some friends cheering.

Chart · September 14, 2025, 07:48:11 PM

A little late but heartfelt too!

SenseOrgan · September 17, 2025, 03:54:55 PM

Still well done

Desert Flower · Reply #269 - Re: Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

I do feel I have lots of replying to do to your posts, before I may get down to my own troubles. Still, I do need get something off my chest so apologies my friends.

- Trigger warning -

Today, I was caught off guard. I knew today was gonna be triggering. (I do hate by the way, the way people all over use these words nowadays - 'triggered' - or - 'trauma' - without having a clue what they're talking about. Being one of us who knows what it is like being triggered and traumatised.) I had been very busy again these past two weeks and I had been managing nonetheless.

I went out to lunch with a small group of my best friends today. In the town that I used to live in with the Narcissist (another one of those much misused words) who re-traumatised me. The way we get into the wrong relationships again, repeating harmful patterns of behaviour because they are what we know.

It happened before, I should try to remember now, that these friends triggered me because I assume I'm safe with them. Well, I am safe of course, in a matter of fact way, but not safe from triggering remarks. I let my guard down.

So I got off the train and the place had changed a lot so immediately, I was disoriented and I had some trouble getting there, even though I was using Google Maps (this is a town that I lived in for six years mind you and the lunch place was near the biggest landmark of the city), I only half knew where I was.

So I was passing all these places that I had walked with him, mostly being drunk and doped up at that time because it was the only way I could pretend to be there at all, while actually I was completely dissociated because it was impossible to feel what was going on and survive. I walked these places again today, this club we used to you to, shops we visited, the streets we walked (he liked walking through this town and we used to do so a lot) etc etc. And it seemed like I was there for the first time and it was only now I realised how CROWDED this place is. This is because now I was actually feeling something walking there. I stopped feeling anything soon after this walk I think.

And after I arrived at the restaurant I told my friends I had had a bit of trouble getting there and they said they had too. This dismissed my feelings, I realise in hindsight. And I said I had not been back to this town since I left (FLED this town I should have said really). And then one of my friends, I consider her the wisest, looked at me with a quizzing look, asking 'did you not want to go back?' or something. The last thing I felt was feeling I had to defend myself. And that's when I checked out I think. INDEED, I had not wanted to go back - lots of swearing needed here, I won't but you know what I mean. They've really got no clue apparently. How traumatising this period actually was. How I had had to get away to save anything that was left of me. There was not much left of me but at some point I knew I had to save myself and I did.

And then after a while sitting there talking some more the same friend started describing this really nice place that she had visited in the same town just a week ago, such a nice little place bla di bla etc and from her description, she hadn't even mentioned the name of the place yet, I knew I knew this place. Yes, we used to go there together, the N and me. Such a nice little place. Like ****.

- Trigger warning -

They do not know of the time I stood in the rooftop gutter threatening to jump, hoping he would come get me back and he did. I never told anyone. I need to tell you. Here it is. This was one of the worst places I ever was. And I do not like going back there indeed. The ringing in my ears is tremendous.

Walking back to the station with my friends today, I did not know where I was, I did not know our countries' biggest train station anymore, my friend had to guide me to the platform. And in my home town, my routine helped me a little bit but I didn't even feel I could breath until I got off the metro by myself after saying goodbye to my friend.

And when I got home, I was still thinking it had been the crowded streets that had unnerved me. But as it turns out, these dear friends' remarks were the real triggers.

It's just so hard dealing with these triggers when you least expect them. And they hit me so hard I didn't even notice. I am home safe. I will do some calming exercise now. Thank you for being with me if you managed to read this far.