I Am

[Bach]

There was an incident when I was a child in which my mother put her hands around my throat and squeezed until I started to black out.  Then she pushed me away and left the room.  I remember falling down onto her bed and lying there for a few minutes, and my most enduring memory of it is the feeling of tired resignation I had when I was lying there, like this was something familiar.  Something to be borne, to disregard as much as possible, to accept that I had survived and get on with my life (These are of course my adult words for child feelings that at the time I did not analyse or attempt to describe, but I'm pretty sure they're accurate). 

Based on emotional flashbacks, I have my theories about why that experience felt familiar, but I have questions and doubts about the usefulness of believing things that I can't know for sure occurred, and so I've chosen to dismiss from my mind any idea I have that I actually know what happened to me in very early childhood.  This incident, though, I remember with as much certainty as I remember anything in my life.  I don't remember exactly when it happened, and in particular, I don't remember what provoked it.  It could have been something I did or was doing, but it might not have been.  I might have just been existing in the same space as my mother at the wrong moment.  I wish I did remember the exact situation, but at the same time, I know that it doesn't matter because there can't possibly be ANYTHING I did to deserve that.  Still, though, I wonder and wish I knew.  I also wish I knew whether it happened shortly before I turned 10 and precipitated the terrible flu I had during the week of my 10th birthday.  I think that it might have, because I can look back over my history and see a pattern of suffering a trauma and then getting sick. 

That formative week.  Staying in my room when the family was home so as not to infect them, bringing my quilt out to the living room to lie on the couch under it and watch cartoons and game shows during the day when they were all out of the house.  Feeling safe because I didn't have to deal with the world either in my home or outside of it.  I still remember how I wanted to get better because who wants to be sick? but also did not want to get better because it meant going back to my regular life.  I'm afraid I kind of still feel that way.  I would really like to stop having to suffer over things that happened 50 years ago. 

[NarcKiddo]

I have heard that story before, as you know, and it always makes me feel sad and angry. What is noteworthy in addition is that others with CPTSD would not ever question that such an occurrence took place and that the experience felt familiar because in all probability it was.

Like you, I have had feelings of familiarity that I can't place when an EF is triggered, and I've formed my own conclusion of what my early childhood must have looked like. I'm not suggesting anything in terms of your approach (which I think is sensible) but I would point out that CPTSD sufferers have more of a split between logical brain and emotional brain than others. In Pete Walker's latest book he says that the link area between left and right brain tends to be smaller in CPTSD sufferers than others. Just because you don't have a logical memory does not mean you don't have an emotional memory.

That said, I've also concluded that trying to chase an emotional memory and have it register as a logical one, too, is probably impossible and likely has limited (if any) usefulness. It doesn't make it less real, though, and I think it is worth bearing in mind when you are working through the aftermath of an EF and processing the hurt.

I'm rambling now, but I totally get how you must have felt during that flu week. And I am sad that little you, only ten, was left at home alone all day, and that you did not have someone there to bring you hot drinks and love you.

 

[sanmagic7]

bach, i understand the concept of not wanting to 'get well' cuz being ill keeps the 'real' world at bay.  during my mexico time, i had to confront that in a very real way, make a conscious decision about it.  while i was sick, no one expected anything from me and that felt wonderful. while i was well during my life, parents/people expected all kinds of things from me, seemingly all the time.  at the same time, tho, my H was doing all the chores/shopping, etc. while still going out to work.  there came a time when i looked at the situation and came to the realization that i could say 'no' to anyone about anything.  of course, i was in my 60's by then, and it's something not possible for a child to do. 

feeling that familiarity about the situation, tho, yep.  very real.  somewhere along the line i learned that the term 'familiar' has at its root in 'family'.  that made sense to me.  my EF's began making sense to me, too, cuz they caused me to feel very much as i did when i was a child, surrounded by family with their expectations of me.  just some thoughts.  hoping the best for you with this.  and i agree, you did nothing to deserve such treatment. love and hugs

[Desert Flower]

Wow this certainly is a chilling story Bach. I am really really sorry you had to endure that. No one should ever have to.

And

there can't possibly be ANYTHING I did to deserve that.

That's right.

And there's so much here that resonates Bach. It's terrible.
Like being sick from too much stress, that started around 12 years of age for me.
And I'm also over fifty still trying to stop suffering.
And these EF's make sense when we look back at what happened, sadly.

I hear you.

And I hope understanding will make us more compassionate towards ourselves. So we can progress towards healing. That's my wish for you too.

[Bach]

Yeah, I guess I should stop banging on about that incident.  I suppose it sticks in my (mind? body?) so much because it's the one thing in my history that I can point to and say "THERE.  THAT was wrong.  THAT was abuse that I didn't deserve."  Because everything else was so covert.  It was being neglected, being ignored, being brushed off, being made fun of, being discussed as a problem as if I was a thing and not a living breathing child who was RIGHT THERE hearing about how I was (insert various criticisms and putdowns here).  A lifetime later, I still can't get away from it.  I've had some moments in the past few days of feeling like I was coming back into sanity, into my adult self, but they haven't lasted.  I don't know whether I'm on the verge of a great step forward, or of falling off the cliff entirely.

[Desert Flower]

Hi Bach, I didn't read everything you wrote, only the first and the last page to get a glimpse of who you are. And we don't know each other that well. So I might be typing something entirely unhelpful and if I do, please ignore.

I didn't get the impression anyone here was saying you should stop about that incident though. Obviously it keeps coming back to you and there's reason for that. Yes it definitely was wrong.
And I know we keep looking for some 'objective' or verifiable evidence, other than the little scraps we do have. It would help tremendously. Just something big you could point at and say: See, everybody knows that's wrong. Part of our problem it is not always that simple. I myself still have trouble getting my head around the knowledge that it was in fact wrong. The thing is, we can tell from the way we feel that it is wrong. And speaking for myself, I just heard too many times (back then) that what I felt was nonsense, and I shouldn't feel it. That's what I was taught. From a very early age.
It takes a lot of time to be able to feel again and to acknowledge what those feelings mean. These are deeply ingrained patterns. It may take the rest of our lives.
But the way we feel IS our evidence, our only evidence in many cases. We ourselves are the only ones who know what we feel and how those feelings should be rated. We are not wrong. We know.

I'm sure you heard all this before. Sometimes we just need to hear it again. I hope it helps.

And as for going back to the incident. This sounds like a little Bach that needs to be comforted and held many many times before she will be able to let go of it. Like she should have been held so many times before. We can give ourselves the comfort we were denied back then by practicing. It's a drag I know, and there is no quick fix, but we can and do get better. Hoping to give you some encouragement even though I'm not a motivational speaker myself. A hug if that's okay.

 

[Blueberry]

That formative week.  Staying in my room when the family was home so as not to infect them, bringing my quilt out to the living room to lie on the couch under it and watch cartoons and game shows during the day when they were all out of the house.  Feeling safe because I didn't have to deal with the world either in my home or outside of it.  I still remember how I wanted to get better because who wants to be sick? but also did not want to get better because it meant going back to my regular life.  I'm afraid I kind of still feel that way.

BBM

I definitely felt that way sometimes as a child/teen.

I still do off-and-on, with the subtle difference being there's no 'regular life' to go back to IMHO. There are fewer and less deep EFs than there used to be, but there are still EFs throwing me into despair or confusion or... There are struggles and ups and downs which are more frequent than what people w/o cptsd or other long-term health problems suffer. I know that sounds pretty negative and there are probably times when I wouldn't write that, but sometimes the best I can do is go back to bed where it's warm and not deal with real life.

Sitting with you Bach.

[sanmagic7]

bach, i just went thru a realization similar to yours about 'that was abuse, that was wrong' because most of mine was of the mental/emotional variety, and it never seemed to be 'as bad' as what some others have gone thru.  my truth came to me when i allowed myself to understand that i wouldn't be having the problems w/ living life today if it hadn't been that bad over the years.  it was abuse, it was wrong, all of it.

as far as continuing to 'bang' on something, i think it's important to do so for as long as we deem it important.  maybe we need to hear it over and over for ourselves till we're finally done with it.  i don't know for sure, but i know i've done the same at times w/ certain incidents.  keep 'banging' away till it's all banged out, to my mind.  love and hugs

[Chart]

I wrote elsewhere that I'm feeling my body in a new way.  Something I learned recently is exactly where in my body the worst of the crazy lives.  By "the worst of the crazy", I mean the obsessive thoughts of death and suicide and not being worth the resources that keep me alive.  And by "where it lives", I mean, as in, there's my body keeping the score for little/Middle B.  I pinpointed exactly which physical symptoms correspond with those unbearable thoughts, and have identified some practical physical things I can do to alleviate them at least somewhat.  This is  a major breakthrough for me, especially in light of all the frustration I've felt lately with knowing all the WHY I'M LIKE THIS without being able to figure out WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT.  I finally have something of a weapon against my trauma.  The tricky part will be not overusing it, because that's exactly the kind of thing I do.

   
Personally, bodywork/body-consciousness cannot be "overused". I was sooooooo out of contact with my body it's insane. I'm now working daily with bodywork and it's sooooooo beneficial and rewarding. It's an extremely powerful tool that I will continue using and learning for decades to come. But the benefits are already clear.
Keep the contact with your body. Give it as much love as the inner children. Like them, your body deserves it.
 

[Chart]

Hi Bach, I didn't read everything you wrote, only the first and the last page to get a glimpse of who you are. And we don't know each other that well. So I might be typing something entirely unhelpful and if I do, please ignore.

I didn't get the impression anyone here was saying you should stop about that incident though. Obviously it keeps coming back to you and there's reason for that. Yes it definitely was wrong.
And I know we keep looking for some 'objective' or verifiable evidence, other than the little scraps we do have. It would help tremendously. Just something big you could point at and say: See, everybody knows that's wrong. Part of our problem it is not always that simple. I myself still have trouble getting my head around the knowledge that it was in fact wrong. The thing is, we can tell from the way we feel that it is wrong. And speaking for myself, I just heard too many times (back then) that what I felt was nonsense, and I shouldn't feel it. That's what I was taught. From a very early age.
It takes a lot of time to be able to feel again and to acknowledge what those feelings mean. These are deeply ingrained patterns. It may take the rest of our lives.
But the way we feel IS our evidence, our only evidence in many cases. We ourselves are the only ones who know what we feel and how those feelings should be rated. We are not wrong. We know.

I'm sure you heard all this before. Sometimes we just need to hear it again. I hope it helps.

And as for going back to the incident. This sounds like a little Bach that needs to be comforted and held many many times before she will be able to let go of it. Like she should have been held so many times before. We can give ourselves the comfort we were denied back then by practicing. It's a drag I know, and there is no quick fix, but we can and do get better. Hoping to give you some encouragement even though I'm not a motivational speaker myself. A hug if that's okay.

 

[Chart]

Bach, My sophomore year in high school my parents got a call from the Principal telling them if I missed one more single day of school I'd have to repeat the year. I'd stayed home sick the total maximum days allowed. I was always "sick" and it was always about feeling just awful all the time, especially at school around so many others and all my Cptsd difficulties to boot. I'm now 56, and still all I want to do is hide from the world. My last EF lasted a week and a half. I hid in bed for over a week. Yesterday I had my daughter return for my week... I couldn't do anything. I slept all day. I felt horribly guilty. Today I feel better. Maybe it's passing. I had a nice evening with my daughter tonight.
Just sharing. You're not alone. Breath, bodywork, patience, no guilt, no guilt, no guilt. You have Cptsd. It's h***. And it comes in waves. It will re-subside... just as there are EFs to come in the future. We live with it. It sucks. No matter how many times you share with the forum your EFs, you will ALWAYS find understanding here. And our empathy totally understands.
Sending love and support.