Feelings of distress when ignored / not listened to or disbelieved.

[Plumandine]

I start to ruminate and fixate on something when I am not listened to, what I'm saying is ignored, or I'm disbelieved. Obviously this can happen accidentally, I mean when it's deliberate - when it's like I'm being dismissed.

It's not common or rare, it's repeatedly happened, and often later on I will be proved right or someone more popular than me will repeat what I said and get positive feedback. On the times I get an apology, sometimes the apologies feel like the people are soothing their own ego by coming up with a reason why they couldn't have avoided ignoring me, or talking about how they would have behaved differently had they known 'to actually take me seriously'. It's infuriating and happens with both men and women, but more often with men.

I guess their default assumption seems to be that I'm exaggerating, if not lying, when there is no reason to assume that because I don't. My guess is that I come across as overly insistent from a history of not being believed at home, whereas to a normal person seeming insistent for no reason, could be a sign of lying. Or I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt - it's not everyone, it's often people who are a little self-important or expect a lot of sympathy themselves with little to give in return.

I know I can't control how others react to me, but afterwards I can't even control the fact that I feel emotionally alert / distressed for the rest of the day afterwards, and it makes it difficult to move on to other things.

Does anyone else deal with this and have any advice on how to self-soothe in these situations?

[NarcKiddo]

I can identify with that, although I have no advice because my way of dealing with that is simply to say as little as possible at all times. I have a huge amount of self-doubt so for me it is easier just to keep quiet unless I am directly asked for input. Even then I try to find ways around that or of hedging my bets just in case. I have allowed both my mother and my husband to crunch their cars into brick walls while parking when I could see what was about to happen, and everything had already gone into slo-mo for me, because I felt I would be attacked for my intervention.

I have discussed this a bit with my therapist. Her advice is to trust myself and to keep telling myself that a) if I am right and the other person gets what's coming to them because they ignored me than that's on them and b) even if I am wrong, everyone makes mistakes, and as long as I acted from good intentions I can apologise and admit the mistake if I was wrong. Easier said than done.

[Kizzie]

I come from a family with a M who was a narcissist and a f who was an alcoholic - not the best listeners! It goes beyond being ignored to being cancelled and/or invisible for me and that really hurts.  Nobody wants to be unseen, unheard, unimportant. So I think I get how you feel Plumandine. 

I realized over time that part of what I needed to do was to speak clearly and if someone cuts me off, calmly say something along the lines of "Just a sec, I'm not quite finished".  The other thing I do is rephrase what I've said (in other words, say it again just differently), so if it is me who has been unclear I try again. And then finally, because I am used to people who don't listen I look at who's doing the not listening/cutting me off and if it's an N type person I don't waste my breath any longer. I find someone who likes to have a back and forth lovely convo instead

[Bermuda]

I just want to add a big me too to this. It affects me so deeply, and my sense of self, and whether I believe myself or not. It's huge. I don't have more to say.

 

[SamwiseGamgee]

Plumandine you have described my internal state the last few days. It's what caused me to find this place. I've been stuck also. I hope you find your way out of that feeling soon.

[ScapeGoat69]

Your post resonates with me.  I am constantly being told to lower my voice. I've come to realize that not being heard my entire childhood affects the tone and volume of my voice. When folks say invalidating things to me or I mistakenly take them as invalidating, I raise my voice.  I become combative with people as I feel the anger rise up. 
My brother and I were named co-executors of my Moms Estate but I resigned because I live out of state.  Now I find myself repeatedly getting dysregulated when dealing with him, who due to his own trauma, is compulsive in asking me the same questions dozens of times and then ignoring my input.  It wasn't until now that I understand he treats me very poorly due to the role he assumed projecting toxic family dysfunction onto me.  I become extremely dysregulated and angry that he is delaying this process unnecessarily.  I just want it over.