Crane's Journal - Unopened Years

[CraneWings]

Hey everyone. I just noticed this part of the forum, and I have a lot of past thoughts which either weren't explored or weren't fully explored, and would likely flood the forum if I went on a tangent every reply.

So I'll do my talking to myself here, and I'm grateful to anyone who reacts and responds to it.

Even if you found some of yourself in my writing but don't know what to say about it, or how to say it, even telling me you did would be a huge favour in my eyes, as I'm used to nobody understanding me. Having the confirmation that someone did is huge.

I believe in always staying positive and exploring new options. But my instincts feel so exhausted for the past few years, without major change, that it doesn't feel emotionally rewarding. I know it's right to keep improving with new methods, but I feel tired. I feel worn and rusted. I wake up indifferent because I don't know how to feel better while I allow my plans to progress.

When I was at my most emotionally hurt, the friends I spoke to didn't know where I was coming from, and all had their inaccurate guesses. I didn't know how to respond, so at the time I felt more in pain and alone for a while each time.

I have a lot of scenes to unpack, and it's going to be very train of thought. Thank you for being here.

[Blueberry]

Even if you found some of yourself in my writing but don't know what to say about it, or how to say it, even telling me you did would be a huge favour in my eyes, as I'm used to nobody understanding me. Having the confirmation that someone did is huge.

ime there's always at least one mbr here who can resonate with the strangest of my symptoms. I hope you too find that confirmation on what you've experienced, your symptoms, your history. It's pretty common for most of us to not be understood irl, at least some of the time, so this forum is a godsend.

But my instincts feel so exhausted for the past few years, without major change, that it doesn't feel emotionally rewarding. I know it's right to keep improving with new methods, but I feel tired. I feel worn and rusted. I wake up indifferent because I don't know how to feel better while I allow my plans to progress.

I resonate strongly. I feel very worn and fed up, even though I have made progress and changed some things. I find journalling on here helpful in noticing changes, so there is that. Or also sometimes other mbrs point progress out to me in my Journal or elsewhere.

[Papa Coco]

CraneWings

I'm here. I'm reading your post. I do spend most of my time here in the recovery journals because, like you, I get overwhelmed by all the threads we have to choose from. I get  confused if I explore too many threads. Pretty soon I can't remember where I read what or who said what. So I keep it simple and focus on New Members and Recovery Journals. But that's just me. Other members are better able to spot new posts in other threads.

I'm glad you posted here because otherwise I would likely have missed your post.

I know the feeling of being unheard. A huge part of the Complex PTSD, for me, is the sense of being unheard, unvalidated, and criticized by mainstream friends and family for being in pain. I guess I was invisible when I should have been loved, and I was very exposed when others wanted someone to blame their problems on, or just plain laugh at me for being in pain.

I've been laughed at for all of my addictions and fears. It hurts. So, this forum is such a blessing for me to be able to write and read others' writings without the confusion that we get caught up in when we're out in the non-trauma world.

I look forward to reading more from you. The people who have Complex-PTSD, and who seek help and who find forums and books that help are my favorite people to talk with because I see us C-PTSDers as some of the kindest and most polite people in the world. And we understand each other.

HUGE hug from me to you: 

[CraneWings]

Thank you for your reply, Blueberry. It's a great comfort to see. I wish you well, and will look at your journal soon. It's good that you're progressing, even through the fatigue.


And thank you, Papa Coco. I read a small amount of your journal, and noticed your concern over making posts too long. I'll echo what others have said and say, I appreciate your style of posting. The length never detracts, and adds to what feels like your style, from my perspective. I'm also a writer with past interest in being a comedian, and a massive extrovert, so I relate a lot to the ways of thinking related to that.

I feel better today. I think watching movies has been therapeutic. A few years ago, I used to talk about the most ridiculous and wild topics with friends - it was all honest and raw. Then I dated my ex for around a year, and became quite obsessive. Someone more experienced would tell that I wasn't in control, but I wasn't experienced, so I made a range of mistakes and isolated myself from my friend group for a while.

But I knew how the relationship was developing. Even though I was spending all day with her whenever I could, I knew neither of us were treating the situation in a healthy way. From the day I agreed to date her onward, I woke up feeling heavy. I'm used to being full of energy and drive, but I felt physically heavy at the start of the day. I went from taking a second to get out of bed to taking several hours. My body knew I was getting into a very stressful situation for some time, but I ignored the signal and pressed on.

When I ended the relationship and got back in touch with friends, I was emotionally raw - and understandably, I wad in that relationship for a year. I also hadn't accounted for the fact that, I'd been learning good new things from that extreme, and so I'd changed. But also, everyone else had changed, and not necessarily for their benefit.

Every time a person made a projection or misunderstanding of me, I felt it more deeply, but didn't comment on it. My instinct to comment on it wasn't active, as if I'd become used to just automatically taking it after all those months. The wild nature of conversation was there, but not in the same way - the raw sincerity behind absurd humour was now absurd humour taken on its own, with the knowledge that nobody understood where I was coming from, or what I was trying to say, and neither did I half the time. My thoughts focused on certain aspects of the relationship and whirlpooled for days, circling and unmoving, as I had a constant sense of an unsolved mystery. I don't leave things incomplete when they matter to me. So I researched half the day every day to figure out my feelings, while filling every spare hour with people I no longer had anything deep in common with to stay out of my head when I wasn't analysing it.

I did figure it out, and that's another post. This is already getting huge.

I found someone I can have a clearer type of conversation with. It's not as sincere as my interactions were five years ago, but it's positive, and I'll develop it further.

And I've started watching movies regularly. After socialising while feeling constantly alone for so long, I think I underestimated the therapeutic power of seeing a person on the screen, having no labels placed on me, and just relating to their emotions and understanding the things I see.

[Blueberry]

CraneWings, I'm glad you're feeling better today

So I keep it simple and focus on New Members and Recovery Journals. But that's just me. Other members are better able to spot new posts in other threads.

UBM. This is actually pretty easy, Papa Coco, and you too CraneWings, unless there is some sort of trauma brain / brain fog /general trauma confusion preventing you. I mean, I can do it and I am not a computer whizz kid at all. On the contrary, I'm very slowly learning to use a smartphone... My trauma brain means I don't easily retain new information on how-to-do things with my hands. So if either of you have a similar issue going on, my apologies and please ignore the rest of my post. However if you don't:

go to the top left hand corner of the screen, where you'll see the figure of a person (head + shoulders). It's a drop-down menu, do a left-click and at the top of the list you'll see Updated Topics, followed by Unread Posts. Updated Topics contains Replies to your Posts. Unread Posts include updated topics but also posts you haven't replied to or didn't start.

CraneWings, there's a ton of useful information contained in old threads and it's perfectly OK to respond to an old one. I do understand not wanting to go off on a tangent on someone else's thread, otoh there are some mbrs who don't read Journals at all so on specific questions or comments you might have, you might get more feedback on a non-Journal thread.   You're also often doing OOTS mbrs a favour by bumping an old topic. Sometimes a discussion gets going again with newer mbrs.

[CraneWings]

Thank you, Blueberry. And it's good to know that about bumping old topics - I had a comment on a very old one, but held back as I didn't know the bumping etiquette.

I've been working with Tbe Artist's Way, as recommended by Papa Coco. The morning pages feel good, so I did another three at night. I'm now on day two.

I can see how I let myself get distracted in the past, and now I'm wise enough to rise above those decisions.

For me, there's a certain uncertainty to the new environment. When I was younger, the setting I put myself in felt very punk, for lack of a better description. I didn't fit the mainstream and didn't want to, and when someone said they don't judge and can listen to anything, due to the nature of our interactions, it was clear they meant it. Where I am now, some people still do. But many just mean within their ambiguous boundary of what they consider decent.

 It'll be good to analyse that past setting, and see how I can bring its benefits into the present.

[Papa Coco]

CraneWings,

I'm just checking in. Are you still doing your three pages each morning? Are they still helping? I'm still doing mine. The wisdom and direction I get from them is priceless. I hope you find them to be helpful to you as well.

Whether the papers are still in your day or not, I hope you're doing well. I hope you're finding your comfortable place here on the forum and in your other healing ventures.

Take care of yourself. You deserve it.

[CraneWings]

CraneWings,

I'm just checking in. Are you still doing your three pages each morning? Are they still helping? I'm still doing mine. The wisdom and direction I get from them is priceless. I hope you find them to be helpful to you as well.

Whether the papers are still in your day or not, I hope you're doing well. I hope you're finding your comfortable place here on the forum and in your other healing ventures.

Take care of yourself. You deserve it.

Hey there Papa Coco. I continued them for a while, and found great benefit. I have admittedly dropped off since, but it was a very positive thing for me. Thank you for checking.

I also find this forum to be a good place where I can talk safely. I have come back after a long absence, and look forward to more progress.

[CraneWings]

I'm currently trying to cut ties with my family. I still live with them, though I can afford to move out. This is because of the toxic codependent dynamic at home which makes communicating very difficult.

It's also in me. My instincts over the years have conditioned in such a way that certain simple things are very difficult - the conversations I'm trying to have now are among them. It feels like nothing's happening. Days pass, weeks pass, and the conflict's at the same point because I can't bring myself to override my instincts, and our dance repeats with permanent relief from them always two steps away in a situation where two steps involve two hundred steps, alternating forward and back.

My novel is progressing. I still slow, but it will be done this Spring unless I get severely off course. I said that to myself last Winter, but with only five scenes left, I believe it's beyond the realm of realism that I keep it in limbo for another three months.

[NarcKiddo]

Hello CraneWings. Welcome back.

It is difficult to override past conditioning. Even when one's logical brain can see the best way forward (such as cutting ties) the emotional brain can find it very challenging to accept such a decision. I understand that dynamic and wish you well as you navigate it.

[Papa Coco]

Hi CraneWings,

I broke all contact with my family of origin (FOO), but it was not as easy as I sometimes make it sound. It took a long time. A very long time. I was 50 years old when I finally succeeded. I understand the struggle that you are in right now.

I'm excited for you to finish your novel. Writing is one of the artistic gifts that can help us, the writers, as well as us, the readers.