Hi, I'm a hermit

[j i m]

Hi, I'm jim. I grew up with a narcissistic mother, and I've got CPTSD. I've been absorbing a lot of information, watching youtubes from Heidi Priebe and reading Pete Walker's From Surviving to Thriving. It can be uplifting, figuring some of this out and feeling not so alone in the struggles. It's also exacerbating because I can't seem to break pretty solidified habits.

I'm in my early 30s. In the last few months, I'd started dating a really wonderful person. She's actually the one that started helping me figure out some of this anxious avoidant attachment style stuff.. She's been pretty patient and open with me, and I feel horribly guilty for not being able to show up in the relationship the way I would like to.

One thing I'd learned was that if you find yourself ricocheting back and forth from the whirlwinds of emotions to apathetic reasoning that I was, it may be best to take a 6 month hiatus.. No contact, no (romantic) relationships, with them or anyone else. However, you should work to build genuine friendships with at least one or two people, maybe with yourself. Assess how you feel during this time. Generate enough community that your romantic relationship is not the only socialization you ever get.

I'm a month and a half into 'hiatus', failing at no contact with a momentary lapse of "I miss you", and while I have gone to see some friends since, I feel like I'm wasting time.. I want to power through whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing so that I can live some kind of semblance of a fulfilling life. I like it when I can somehow manage to make a positive impact on things. It tends to happen with work.. Sometimes. Then, I leave work and hermit my life away.

I wish I could carry out this back and forth of meaningful influence in personal relationships instead of getting quick hits of dopamine from things I clearly want in life despite what I sometimes convince myself, just to go back into hiding as soon as I've gotten what I need out of it, leaving the folks I care about out in the breeze.

While I always appreciate words of advice and learning new things, I don't expect answers. I do appreciate the opportunity to keep adding to my toolbox and maybe connect, even if it's not exactly the kind of connection I'm supposed to be building. It's better than sitting still and not even trying... For me. For now.

Ok, thanks for coming to my sappy ted talk. I genuinely hope you're all doing well. Thanks.

[Kizzie]

Hi Jim and a warm welcome to OOTS     Not a sappy TED talk at all, it's your story and around here we are very empathetic, can relate to so much of each other's stories and try to offer comfort, support and information/suggestions to each other. A lot about being here is about generating community as you say because many of us have difficulty with relationships, it's one of the major symptoms of CPTSD.

It's awesome that you have someone who understands you may have difficulty in this area and honestly it probably would mean alot if you told them how you feel about not showing up in the way you would like to. Just a thought. 

[Papa Coco]

Hi Jim

Welcome to the support group. My real name is Jim also. I go by Papa Coco because that's what my grandsons call me, and I work tirelessly to be the man they need their papa to be.

I can so relate to much of what you've said here. I know the feeling of being overwhelmed in relationships. In my personal case, the people who've loved me the most have done the most damage. So, trust issues are paramount with me, and I tend to be uneasy in meaningful relationships. No matter how much I love someone, I tend to be waiting for the other shoe to drop and for them to turn on me, humiliate me, and push me away.

I tend to be ready to bolt whenever I'm in a meaningful relationship any time I believe I see microscopic facial movements or eyerolls that agitate my hair-trigger flight response. I can't count how many good friendships and good love relationships I've mistakenly walked (or run) away from because I felt so afraid they were going to throw me out if I didn't leave on my own.

I appreciate your comment that you don't expect answers. The greatest power of this forum is just the supportive comradery with like-minded souls who already know what it feels like to have CPTSD and don't need an explanation for why we feel how we feel. We all came from different places, but somehow, we all ended up here. We know what it feels like to be who we are, and that, for me, is truly comforting. I've lived a life of feeling unlovable, unlikable, always wrong...But the people here have given me a place to feel like I belong and like I'm no different than them. My motto is "we're stronger together" and this forum makes me feel stronger.

This forum has been a godsend for me, and I'm glad you found it too. I hope the best for you as you navigate your healing journey. And I look forward to more interactions.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome, Jim,

Your comment about maybe building a friendship with yourself resonates with me. I think that is a good and sensible path to tread. Of course we need other people but it is impossible to be authentic with others if we don't actually have a clue who we are and what we like/dislike. Most, if not all, of us with narc mothers have been so conditioned to be what they want us to be that we have lost touch with ourselves.

Wishing you all the best and I look forward to seeing you around the forum.

[Bermuda]

Hi J I M. I don't know why I missed this post, but I am here now.

It sounds like you are going through a lot. What you are describing is indicative of CPTSD. A lot of us struggle, and I definitely know that socially it can be very difficult. I tend to have one person in my life at a time. I do feel guilty about it, but I also find it difficult to manage more. It is hard, and it can feel sad and lonely. Sometimes I think what we want is not always what we need, nor is it what others expect of us...

If it's okay that I offer a little advice, you can ignore it if you want, or skip over reading this part if you're not in a place to. I think it's important to listen to yourself, and to what you feel. Sometimes we feel guilty for wanting to avoid social contact, but if that's what you feel you need, you may not be wrong in that. Sometimes we find ourselves wanting to meet other people's expectations before our own needs. We put other people first. We put expectation first.
(End of advice)

It's okay to be avoidant, even if it's because of CPTSD. It's okay to feel the need to isolate, and to act on it. It's okay to be a hermit, and if that makes you sad, that's also okay. It's okay to be sappy, or to express your feelings. They matter. It might change someday. Socialising may come easier eventually, but it may not. Sometimes we look at ourselves as damaged by trauma, and we try to take control and to correct those behaviours, and in my experience it leaves me feeling guilt and inadequacy.

I just want to offer you a welcome to the forum and tell you how great it is that you are exploring these things. You're not alone in this, and your difficulties are not problems here. 

[Bert]

Hi Jim,

I'm brand new to this forum. I thought I'd simply share that I too have; a narcissistic mother, and have been consuming no-end of information (books & youtube videos including Pete Walkers') on dealing with the various symptoms of CPTSD in a bid to find some relief/healing. I'm also of a similar age to you and resonate with a number of things you've mentioned.

I guess having a narcissistic mother has drilled a belief into us that we're never good enough? Consequently shattering any deep inner self-esteem and confidence. I too feel quite nice when I make a positive impact, although I very rarely give myself any long lasting credit before my inner critic makes me feel worthless again.

Right now, I'm making it a top priority of mine to develop self-compassion and self-love (especially to my younger inner selves). Again, a narc parent (or two) can really strip us of any self-loving qualities as we have never been enough in the first place.

Hopefully, I'll see you around the forum - and I'm sending you a lot of compassion my friend. Take care.

[j i m]

Hi Jim and a warm welcome to OOTS     Not a sappy TED talk at all, it's your story and around here we are very empathetic, can relate to so much of each other's stories and try to offer comfort, support and information/suggestions to each other. A lot about being here is about generating community as you say because many of us have difficulty with relationships, it's one of the major symptoms of CPTSD.

It's awesome that you have someone who understands you may have difficulty in this area and honestly it probably would mean alot if you told them how you feel about not showing up in the way you would like to. Just a thought. 

Hello, and thank you. I took your advice.. I told her how I feel and she's been very understanding and kind. I'm still not sure what the future will look like, but she still seems to want to be in each other's. So, that has been a significant relief and joy today.

She asked a very good question.. She wanted to know how she can help when I am triggered. Honestly, so far in our relationship, once I get triggered I take off and need a lot of space.. She's always very respectful of it, but I hate doing it. I'm curious what other people's experiences and findings in this arena have been. She suggested What my Bones Know, so I'm about to look into that one very soon.

I hope you're doing well and taking care. Thank you, again. Very sincerely.

[j i m]

Hi Jim

Welcome to the support group. My real name is Jim also. I go by Papa Coco because that's what my grandsons call me, and I work tirelessly to be the man they need their papa to be.

I can so relate to much of what you've said here. I know the feeling of being overwhelmed in relationships. In my personal case, the people who've loved me the most have done the most damage. So, trust issues are paramount with me, and I tend to be uneasy in meaningful relationships. No matter how much I love someone, I tend to be waiting for the other shoe to drop and for them to turn on me, humiliate me, and push me away.

I tend to be ready to bolt whenever I'm in a meaningful relationship any time I believe I see microscopic facial movements or eyerolls that agitate my hair-trigger flight response. I can't count how many good friendships and good love relationships I've mistakenly walked (or run) away from because I felt so afraid they were going to throw me out if I didn't leave on my own.

I appreciate your comment that you don't expect answers. The greatest power of this forum is just the supportive comradery with like-minded souls who already know what it feels like to have CPTSD and don't need an explanation for why we feel how we feel. We all came from different places, but somehow, we all ended up here. We know what it feels like to be who we are, and that, for me, is truly comforting. I've lived a life of feeling unlovable, unlikable, always wrong...But the people here have given me a place to feel like I belong and like I'm no different than them. My motto is "we're stronger together" and this forum makes me feel stronger.

This forum has been a godsend for me, and I'm glad you found it too. I hope the best for you as you navigate your healing journey. And I look forward to more interactions.

Ahaha, hello. What a coincidence. Surely not the most uncommon name, but still.

I like what you said about trying to be the man you want to be for the people you love.. It can be very empowering and uplifting, and it can also be overwhelming and stressful.. I resonate a lot with what you say. I have come to realize and accept that a lot of this stuff I am going through lately has been due to the fact that any close relationship I've ever had has been unhealthy and lead to being manipulated or left behind. In a way, it makes logical sense that I am struggling, but I still need to work on having some patience with myself, maybe..

Thank you. It has genuinely been very helpful this morning to read from you and feel like someone else understands. I look forward to getting to interact more, as well.

[j i m]

Welcome, Jim,

Your comment about maybe building a friendship with yourself resonates with me. I think that is a good and sensible path to tread. Of course we need other people but it is impossible to be authentic with others if we don't actually have a clue who we are and what we like/dislike. Most, if not all, of us with narc mothers have been so conditioned to be what they want us to be that we have lost touch with ourselves.

Wishing you all the best and I look forward to seeing you around the forum.

Hello, and thank you for the welcome.

Yes, I feel like trying to get to know myself is going to be an integral part of getting somewhere closer to where I'd like to be. In my experience so far, it seems like there's a lot of good things I can learn watching videos and reading things... But there's also things I won't know until I go out and experience it.

I've realized I never felt safe making the mistakes I need to in order to learn and grow in a lot of areas of my life. It's been a lot of navigating eggshells. It's challenging to find and trust the sort of people who can allow me that space to mess up while still holding us both accountable for our own health and boundaries. It is still a worthy journey, and I am hopeful for the future if at times overwhelmed..

I am wishing you the best, also.

[j i m]

Hi J I M. I don't know why I missed this post, but I am here now.

It sounds like you are going through a lot. What you are describing is indicative of CPTSD. A lot of us struggle, and I definitely know that socially it can be very difficult. I tend to have one person in my life at a time. I do feel guilty about it, but I also find it difficult to manage more. It is hard, and it can feel sad and lonely. Sometimes I think what we want is not always what we need, nor is it what others expect of us...

If it's okay that I offer a little advice, you can ignore it if you want, or skip over reading this part if you're not in a place to. I think it's important to listen to yourself, and to what you feel. Sometimes we feel guilty for wanting to avoid social contact, but if that's what you feel you need, you may not be wrong in that. Sometimes we find ourselves wanting to meet other people's expectations before our own needs. We put other people first. We put expectation first.
(End of advice)

It's okay to be avoidant, even if it's because of CPTSD. It's okay to feel the need to isolate, and to act on it. It's okay to be a hermit, and if that makes you sad, that's also okay. It's okay to be sappy, or to express your feelings. They matter. It might change someday. Socialising may come easier eventually, but it may not. Sometimes we look at ourselves as damaged by trauma, and we try to take control and to correct those behaviours, and in my experience it leaves me feeling guilt and inadequacy.

I just want to offer you a welcome to the forum and tell you how great it is that you are exploring these things. You're not alone in this, and your difficulties are not problems here. 

Hello, and no worries. I was so happy to find this place, and then life got very busy. I feel a bit bad not having been able to catch up again until today, but I'm very glad this place is here and to hear from (or read from?) each of you. Genuinely.

I appreciate that advice very much.. I think you may be right. Sometimes when I have tried to stay in contact when I feel like I need to disconnect, it just gets even more overwhelming and I end up reacting likely even worse than if I had followed my gut.

Thus far, I seem to have at least made one friend that sympathizes and wants to try to figure out what works ok for us both.. So, surely there's some hope. Thank you very much for the warm welcome.

[j i m]

Hi Jim,

I'm brand new to this forum. I thought I'd simply share that I too have; a narcissistic mother, and have been consuming no-end of information (books & youtube videos including Pete Walkers') on dealing with the various symptoms of CPTSD in a bid to find some relief/healing. I'm also of a similar age to you and resonate with a number of things you've mentioned.

I guess having a narcissistic mother has drilled a belief into us that we're never good enough? Consequently shattering any deep inner self-esteem and confidence. I too feel quite nice when I make a positive impact, although I very rarely give myself any long lasting credit before my inner critic makes me feel worthless again.

Right now, I'm making it a top priority of mine to develop self-compassion and self-love (especially to my younger inner selves). Again, a narc parent (or two) can really strip us of any self-loving qualities as we have never been enough in the first place.

Hopefully, I'll see you around the forum - and I'm sending you a lot of compassion my friend. Take care.

Hello Bert,

Thank you for sharing. I have been trying to make it a point to think of 5 things I appreciated about the day by the end (no matter how big or small), and set 3-5 goals for the day in the beginning.. This was part of something I've read along the way as advice toward staying mindful and present with myself. If you have any self love and self compassion exercises that you have found you like so far, I would love to hear more. I do feel like I need to work on building that, and it's a struggle.. I feel what you're saying. I have a very low sense of self-worth, and don't always know how to address it.

I have a sense like, if my own mother does not love me, how could anyone, including myself? How do I do that? How do I learn that for myself when it has never been shown? Sometimes if spite is all that drives me, I try to make it a point to be better than what has come before.. In the end, I'm sure she had a hard past, as well. I can't bring myself to hate her, even though sometimes I think it might be easier if I could. I tell myself that if some part of her ever did love me, she'd want me to find a means to keep healthy and safe. So, I try. At the very least, maybe all of her struggles won't have been a complete waste if I can commit to a life lived without intentionally hurting others or propagating what has been done to me.. I think it'd be even better to be able to say I've healed to a point I am happy and satisfied with. So, we'll see.

My kindest thoughts are with you, also. Thank you.

[Papa Coco]

Hey J i m,

I have been a little less active on the site lately due to a very busy set of projects here at the house. But as I glance through the recent posts since my last visit, I felt especially drawn to your thread. As I look at how you've responded to each person who responded to you, I get a strong sense that you are a very nice person. A deep thinker. Compassionate. Empathetic. I'm honored to be a part of your healing journey.

For a long time now I've believed that those of us who struggle with the traumas of our pasts, and who are wise enough to seek out help, read the books, and join this forum, are of the finest examples of humanity. We seem to share a theme of being kind, compassionate souls. I go so far as to say that we're the good energy that is struggling to balance the negativity of our world's social tornado.

I am a retired old nobody, but I have a fascination with human psychology, so I read books or watch documentaries on the study of happiness and self-confidence. It seems that the scientific/psychological community believes that half of our personality is born into us. The other half is taught to us through circumstances and interactions with others. Having said that, I believe that we, the people who are brave enough, and determined enough, to find this forum and read the books and seek professional help with our struggle, were born with kind, compassionate hearts to start with. The people who took advantage of that gave us a struggle that we were too small to fight against, so we ended up having a bit of a conflict within ourselves. I was born to live in a kind world, but accidentally grew up in an unkind world. I'll go out on a limb and say that I suspect that's the same as what happened with you.

A lot of people who were treated as we were, didn't become good people. They went on with their lives bitter, angry, filled with hate. We did not. We went out into the world feeling lonely, sad, and afraid of what our environment might do to us next. I, personally, struggle with toxic levels of empathy. I feel shame far too deeply for things I said or did 50 years ago. I feel too much pain when I see human suffering on any scale. But, I'd rather be too empathetic than too cold. My therapist says "I can work with helping you become bolder, but I can't do much to help bold people become kinder." So, I think, we here on this forum, are the best of the best in the world. The peace-makers. The givers. We support those who struggle, while people like my older sister see people like us as prey.

I'm always proud to be a part of this forum, because I feel like if I'm drawn to people who are this kind, then I must be seen that way also. A far cry from a lifetime of being told I was "too emotional for my own good" and "strung too tight" and "a doormat."  The John Wayne era was not good to guys like us. Even though old John Wayne was not as tough as he pretended to be, he made it a struggle for kind and compassionate males to feel safe being who we are.

Here, we can be who we are, and find support with others who are surprisingly similar to us.

We're in the same lifeboat. And so far, I feel very safe being in this lifeboat with everyone on this forum.

[dollyvee]

Hi Jim,

I'm also a fan of Heidi Priebe videos. She has a very good way of breaking down these incredibly complex ideas and patterns. I'm also fearful-avoidant and found it helpful to read some of the other FAs experiences on the attachment theory and fearful avoidant boards on reddit. I could relate so much to how other FAs described their experiences, and it was comforting to know that it's a pattern, and it's not me.

I've also found IFS to be helpful and EMDR. That's great that you've found someone warm and supportive while you're working through these things.

Sending you support,
dolly

[j i m]

Hey J i m,

I have been a little less active on the site lately due to a very busy set of projects here at the house. But as I glance through the recent posts since my last visit, I felt especially drawn to your thread. As I look at how you've responded to each person who responded to you, I get a strong sense that you are a very nice person. A deep thinker. Compassionate. Empathetic. I'm honored to be a part of your healing journey.

For a long time now I've believed that those of us who struggle with the traumas of our pasts, and who are wise enough to seek out help, read the books, and join this forum, are of the finest examples of humanity. We seem to share a theme of being kind, compassionate souls. I go so far as to say that we're the good energy that is struggling to balance the negativity of our world's social tornado.

I am a retired old nobody, but I have a fascination with human psychology, so I read books or watch documentaries on the study of happiness and self-confidence. It seems that the scientific/psychological community believes that half of our personality is born into us. The other half is taught to us through circumstances and interactions with others. Having said that, I believe that we, the people who are brave enough, and determined enough, to find this forum and read the books and seek professional help with our struggle, were born with kind, compassionate hearts to start with. The people who took advantage of that gave us a struggle that we were too small to fight against, so we ended up having a bit of a conflict within ourselves. I was born to live in a kind world, but accidentally grew up in an unkind world. I'll go out on a limb and say that I suspect that's the same as what happened with you.

A lot of people who were treated as we were, didn't become good people. They went on with their lives bitter, angry, filled with hate. We did not. We went out into the world feeling lonely, sad, and afraid of what our environment might do to us next. I, personally, struggle with toxic levels of empathy. I feel shame far too deeply for things I said or did 50 years ago. I feel too much pain when I see human suffering on any scale. But, I'd rather be too empathetic than too cold. My therapist says "I can work with helping you become bolder, but I can't do much to help bold people become kinder." So, I think, we here on this forum, are the best of the best in the world. The peace-makers. The givers. We support those who struggle, while people like my older sister see people like us as prey.

I'm always proud to be a part of this forum, because I feel like if I'm drawn to people who are this kind, then I must be seen that way also. A far cry from a lifetime of being told I was "too emotional for my own good" and "strung too tight" and "a doormat."  The John Wayne era was not good to guys like us. Even though old John Wayne was not as tough as he pretended to be, he made it a struggle for kind and compassionate males to feel safe being who we are.

Here, we can be who we are, and find support with others who are surprisingly similar to us.

We're in the same lifeboat. And so far, I feel very safe being in this lifeboat with everyone on this forum.

Ironically, I logged on because I can't seem to stop busying myself with projects and chores, and I wish I could feel ok settling down to a more fun activity or to socialize with someone ( ironic since you mention also being busy with chores ). Between catastrophizing, feeling like surely at some point I will forget something imperative I was supposed to do and at least if I work myself to the bone I can say I tried my damnedest before I crash and burn, and a low sense of self worth telling me I shouldn't rest if I haven't earned it ( which I never feel I have - there's always something else I could be doing ) and I don't want to be in anyone else's way, I'm exhausted and don't know if I'm willing to go out into the world to try to find some conversation right now.

I've been reading Stephanie Foo's 'What My Bones Know' and I've gotten through a point in which she mentioned she would immediately brush aside compliments that people gave her without accepting them as true.. I think I tend to be guilty of that. I appreciate the kind things that you've said. I'm not sure how to reconcile the parts about me as true, but I really do appreciate it. In fact, that perspective about only a part of us being a product of our environment and the other part being something deeper we were born with, gives me something to contemplate. I've often wondered why my life looks different from my abusers if we potentially all faced challenging childhoods.

I've often thought of myself as being just as bad as them in that sometimes the only thing that seems to keep me going is spite. I wanted to be better in how I treated people than they were in treating me so that I could feel justified in my anger towards them. I wanted to succeed in leading a decent life without willfully hurting people around me because they didn't think I could. Sometimes I get up and eat when I'm hungry despite not wanting to, and work out when I'm tired, and lay down for 7 hours even when I can't sleep, just to spite them, even though they'll never know. I don't hate them, I can't seem to, but I am spiteful. I am lonely and sad. That much I can agree to, as well. I do still wish they could find happiness and peace. I know they don't wish that for me. I guess somewhere in there we're different.

Typically, I think I suffer with that toxic level of empathy, too. Because I know what it is to be ostracized, I can sometimes have a hard time placing space between myself and others even if they are not healthy. Because I know what it's like to be misunderstood, I try too hard to understand and find a point of relating to people who would take advantage of that.

I do see you as a very kind person, and I am grateful if you would compare myself to you in that way. Thank you. I hope the house projects are going well.

[j i m]

Hi Jim,

I'm also a fan of Heidi Priebe videos. She has a very good way of breaking down these incredibly complex ideas and patterns. I'm also fearful-avoidant and found it helpful to read some of the other FAs experiences on the attachment theory and fearful avoidant boards on reddit. I could relate so much to how other FAs described their experiences, and it was comforting to know that it's a pattern, and it's not me.

I've also found IFS to be helpful and EMDR. That's great that you've found someone warm and supportive while you're working through these things.

Sending you support,
dolly

Hello,

Nice to meet you. I'm glad to find another Heidi fan. I'm sorry to hear you also struggle with FA, but it is comforting to know more about what it actually is and that we're not alone.. Before my friend found Heidi's video on the difference between anxious, avoidant, and fa, and shared it with me, I knew something was wrong, but couldn't seem to grasp it. I could almost physically feel shifts in this switch between an overly emotional side of myself and a side that was hyper logic while lacking all emotional context. It was entirely disorienting and confusing trying to show up authentically with my friend from one day to the next with all of that going on.. nonetheless with myself.

My friend, she's entirely too patient and kind with me.. and I'm incredibly grateful for her. I would like very much to continue to work on myself so as to better show up for her in this way, and find some true healing in other areas of my life.. Thank you for your support and your words. I have not tried IFS or EMDR yet.. I see a new therapist Tuesday, and I keep hearing positive things regarding EMDR. I can't lie, I don't know why, but I'm a bit anxious about EMDR? Something makes me think I should at least try it. I will keep considering it for a while more.
 
I hope you have a good evening, and weekend.
Sincerely.