Hi, I'm a hermit

[dollyvee]

Yes, I get what you're saying. In relationships I would swing (and can but hopefully that's improving) anxious and feel that I would be abandoned essentially - what are they thinking, why did they do that, why haven't they messaged back etc etc - to feeling suffocated when they were around and we were close, which usually manifested in fault-finding ie they're too something, I don't think we're quite right for each other, or getting the "ick" as it's described. A lot of relationships were like that, wanting to be with someone, but getting the ick very quickly at the thought of actually being with someone.

Learning about FA has helped me see I think that I'm viewing relationships as a threat.  I was "suffocated" as a child from a multiple NPD family where I was never actually allowed to be myself or have "Self" (most probably from a very early age and that's why these things feel so immediate and urgent), and getting close to someone triggered that in me, that I was going to be suffocated (annihilated) again, and that this person was a "threat."

My therapist, who I've done EMDR with for the past six years, has been discussing deep brain reorienting, and I have maybe a similar reservation about that. I think it's a very scary thing in a way to feel like a process, or treatment, might disrupt the world that you have control over. In IFS terms, we have protectors who do a very good job at keeping certain emotions under control (those of our inner most pains held by our exiles), and the thought that they could come out and upset everything again can be a very disturbing thought.

I hope you have a good weekend too and find some space to help you understand what you need going forward.

dolly

[Larry]

welcome hermit 

[Papa Coco]

J i m

Wow. I can see some similarities in our toxic levels of empathy. I've been reading The Artist's Way by Julian Cameron. She teaches to start every, single morning by writing three pages of Stream of Consciousness. Which basically just means, let your fingers flow and write whatever is streaming through the brain, no matter how much sense it does or doesn't make. The exercise is absolutely amazing. I've been doing it since Tuesday. My brain actually problem solves via these papers.

Today, just minutes ago, I wrote about how cluttered my brain gets. It's the first time in my life when I've been able to see a correlation between my inner world and my outer world. My home is cluttered. My Jeep is cluttered. My desk is cluttered. My garage is cluttered. My computer files are cluttered. And my brain is cluttered. No matter what I do, my thoughts are racing on other topics.

On a positive note, it makes me into one heck-uv-a multitasking genius. On a negative side, it makes me feel totally overwhelmed all the time.  For example, on any given day, I'm doing the laundry, cooking the meals, replacing headlights on the Jeep with the mower running so I can mow the lawn as soon as I get a second. I need to also hit the grocery store to pick up a few things, and while I'm out, I might as well get the lumber I need to fix that rotted step. But I have to get the headlights back into the Jeep before I can cut the lumber for the step replacement, and OH, the dryer just buzzed and it's time to fold my towels. While I'm in the kitchen, I might as well nuke a corndog and sit down to the computer to see if anyone's responded to my last post. Then I can finish mowing the lawn while getting the garage cleaned up again to put the Jeep back in for the night.

It's like this all the time. I'm seldom able to focus on one task without my brain searching for all the things I'm responsible for and should be doing. Exercise is very difficult for me because I feel like if I have time to exercise, then I should be using it to fix my wife's broken desk chair. So I give up on my own needs because my needs are the least important needs of all.

I have, in the past, joked that I was born to be CinderFella to my family. But what I realized this morning, is that my narcissistic parents and elder sibling, were just so very good at getting inside my head, that I grew up, TRULY feeling people being able to get into my head. My wife and I own a small house out on the coast where I go for weeks at a time to live alone while she remains in the city and works at her day job. People question how we can be separated for such long periods of time and still love each other. But I say that the time apart is why we still love each other. This morning I so clearly saw how the mechanics of this work in my head. My childhood proved to me that people could get past my skin and into my head. I grew up believing they could read my mind. Narcissists sort of CAN read our minds. They're intrusive on every level. So I grew up, actually feeling like if I'm in the room with someone, I'm not only sharing the room with them, but they're inside my head with me also. So, I've been managing this by isolating. I lock myself in my office at home when we're together, or I drive the 3 hours to the beach and live there for three weeks alone. JUST so I can feel the privacy that no one is reading my thoughts.

My parents couldn't read my mind, but they knew how boys develop over the years, so naturally they could see when I was angry or sad or having a crush on a girl in school. They actually told me they could read my mind. They punished me for having crushes on girls, or for wanting a new bike because I was outgrowing my old one. They "got into my head" routinely. They were narcissists.  I grew up actually feeling like when I'm in a room with another person, that person is also in my head.

That drives me to be overwhelmed. There really isn't room in my head for more than one person, but dang it! I can't stop feeling like I'm under a microscope when I'm with other people.

For everything you wrote to me in your last response, and everything I'm writing back, the most important thing we can do for ourselves is remember that our anxiety, and our need to over achieve, and then start over at the bottom the next day, is not real. It's trauma. For me, it's just so important that I learn to separate my real problems from my perceived problems that are really just trauma responses.

Anyway, I talk too much. I write too long. I need to learn to stop while I'm ahead. LOL.

I really feel a lot of what you feel. I'm glad we can talk it out.

[Bert]

Hello Bert,

Thank you for sharing. I have been trying to make it a point to think of 5 things I appreciated about the day by the end (no matter how big or small), and set 3-5 goals for the day in the beginning.. This was part of something I've read along the way as advice toward staying mindful and present with myself. If you have any self love and self compassion exercises that you have found you like so far, I would love to hear more. I do feel like I need to work on building that, and it's a struggle.. I feel what you're saying. I have a very low sense of self-worth, and don't always know how to address it.

I have a sense like, if my own mother does not love me, how could anyone, including myself? How do I do that? How do I learn that for myself when it has never been shown? Sometimes if spite is all that drives me, I try to make it a point to be better than what has come before.. In the end, I'm sure she had a hard past, as well. I can't bring myself to hate her, even though sometimes I think it might be easier if I could. I tell myself that if some part of her ever did love me, she'd want me to find a means to keep healthy and safe. So, I try. At the very least, maybe all of her struggles won't have been a complete waste if I can commit to a life lived without intentionally hurting others or propagating what has been done to me.. I think it'd be even better to be able to say I've healed to a point I am happy and satisfied with. So, we'll see.

My kindest thoughts are with you, also. Thank you.

Hey Jim,

I wonder if you have revisited the forum recently?

You asked if I come across anything that I feel like is helping, with regards to cultivating self-compassion. I want to share the following with you: there was a time last year when I was in therapy (before I understood that I suffered from CPTSD). I was guided in relaxing and meditating, and once calm and grounded, creating a peaceful environment in my mind. I was then prompted to allow the first troubling feeling, thought or image to pop up, and to focus onto it. I was then asked to create a "character" which embodies the sensation or image- the first time I recall it. And then to invite that character to sit down with me in the safe environment. Lastly, I was asked to interact and speak with this character in a curious and compassionate manner. To understand it and to build rapport with it.

I remember how impactful this was in just that one session. However, strangely, my therapist at that time never really continued doing this with me, and instead focused on EMDR techniques.

Anyways. I now understand that my therapist introduced me to the IFS therapy concept. (Internal Family System).

I stumbled across this again as I was looking for methods to effectively "self-therapise". I consider myself as an interlect. I almost obsessively want to learn and understand stuff in great detail - a very curious soul perhaps? And right now, that's doing anything and everything under the sun to improve my mind, condition, and situation. I found that IFS is a marvellous approach that you can conduct and practise on your own.

I've performed 4 ~30-45min self-therapy sessions, and it has been really interesting. This method for me, is naturally cultivating feelings of self compassion, and is exciting me at the prospect that I may actually be able to slowly but surely reconstruct a better mind-model.

I watched this person's videos to get familiar enough with the concept to start practising it myself; https://www.youtube.com/@selftherapyIFS and given the good that I'm feeling from it, I think I'll be purchasing the book from the IFS maestro himself, Richard C. Schwartz.

Perhaps have a look into this, and let me know if it is something that might interest you? If it does, we could share our progress with it, and that could be fun.

All the best Jim

[j i m]

Hey everyone,

I'm sorry I don't have my usual energy. I have been thinking about this place a lot and wanted to touch base. Your words are always comforting and mean a lot.

Dollyvee, I resonate with a lot of what you said. I can see now that my 'this is a threat' response to anyone and everyone is very much a reflection of my past. I want to keep trying to build positive experiences so that the past is not so heavy in me anymore. It's hard, and I'm fighting a sense of guilt and shame that I can't reach that point quicker. I'm slowly getting better I think at allowing myself a more appropriate amount of grief. I'm trying. Your parting words are very touching and I hope you are doing well.

Papa Coco, this is exactly what my experience is like. I'm constantly trying to tetris as much as I can in as little time as possible. I'm anxious with the unrealistic expectations I set for myself or with the daunting thought of not being good enough even if I achieve this chaotic level of perfection. My heart goes out to you. I know that exhaustion so very well. I'm very glad to hear that you have a loving wife in your life.
The part about mind reading is especially intense. I used to be plagued with that thought, too. Each time I think I have figured out and understand one way in which my perceived reality is actually just trauma, and think I'm getting somewhere... I seem to realize another area. I find so many, I get tired and forget. I remember again and feel like the cycle sort of repeats itself. I slowly get better each time, but I'm tired.
I always appreciate a book recommendation. I'm trying to balance hyperfixating on watching/reading material on the subject and 'fixing' myself with other (relaxing? what is that?) things, but I would very much like to get to this one soon. Thank you. Your posts are especially validating. I hope you are able to take a decent breather before long.

Bert, this reminds me of something that happened once when I was a kid.. I can't remember how old. I was distressed, and was sitting with my eyes closed. I envisioned a crowd of loud shadows all around me, suffocatingly. I finally yelled out at the top of my lungs (in my head) to shut up and leave, and made myself sit there until I could envision in my minds eye that all of the shadows had slowly walked farther and farther away until I couldn't hear or see them anymore.
Something about all of that makes me want to take another look deeper into IFS. It sounds almost opposite of what you describe, trying to find a means to actually communicate with yourself on a deeper level and cultivate self-compassion this way, but if that sort of model worked in some capacity back then, I wonder if it wouldn't have some decent affect now. Thank you for the link and the book recommendation. I will venture to check into these. I'm sorry I can't promise much in the way of time, but I hope to connect with you as I'm able to about it, and would look forward to hearing your thoughts as you have time, as well. I wish you all the best, too.

[Papa Coco]

J I M

I just want to send you a quick note that I feel you again. I'm sorry to hear you've been having a rough day. From one workaholic overachiever to another, I hope you can find a few minutes to just sit back and love yourself for as long as you can hold it. I can now hold love for myself for several minutes, a couple times a day. I know it's not ideal, but it's improvement. I strive for improvement, not perfection. Perfection will come one day. But for now, any minute I can feel some self love is a good minute. I'm pulling for you, my friend.

We both have every right in the world to love ourselves. The difficulties we have in doing so are trauma, not real. Trauma.

Guy-hug! 

[j i m]

J I M

I just want to send you a quick note that I feel you again. I'm sorry to hear you've been having a rough day. From one workaholic overachiever to another, I hope you can find a few minutes to just sit back and love yourself for as long as you can hold it. I can now hold love for myself for several minutes, a couple times a day. I know it's not ideal, but it's improvement. I strive for improvement, not perfection. Perfection will come one day. But for now, any minute I can feel some self love is a good minute. I'm pulling for you, my friend.

We both have every right in the world to love ourselves. The difficulties we have in doing so are trauma, not real. Trauma.

Guy-hug! 

 

[Hope67]

Hi Jim,
Welcome 

I am going to have a look at the Heidi Priebe video, as you and Dollyvee have both mentioned being keen on it.  I really appreciate gaining new resources. 

I'm glad you're here, and also read that you've got a supportive relationship - that is special. 

Hope 

[j i m]

Hi Jim,
Welcome 

I am going to have a look at the Heidi Priebe video, as you and Dollyvee have both mentioned being keen on it.  I really appreciate gaining new resources. 

I'm glad you're here, and also read that you've got a supportive relationship - that is special. 

Hope 

I hope you like Heidi Priebe. Same. I appreciate having gained new material here.

Ah, I no longer have a relationship. Probably for the best. I'm at a point of accepting that I will never have a 'normal' life. It sucks, but there are still things worth enjoying while I'm still kicking.

Thank you for the welcome. Cheers.

[dollyvee]

Hi Jim,

I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out. As a fellow FA, I know the ups and downs of dating can hit pretty rough. I'm going through something now and it's not easy. Even with my t I feel like she gets exasperated, or I can feel the why would you react that way, silently emanating. In my rational brain I know it too, but the emotional brain is a different story. Going through and unpacking all the emotions around it is also not easy to face. I'm trying to work through the shame coming up, but it's all those things that no one really wants to feel. In the end I usually resolve that it's just much better/easier to stay on my own, but I'm trying to get past that. It's the battle I guess.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Papa Coco]

Jim,

I just reread your whole thread. In one of your earlier postings you talked about how you ponder whether you are like your abusers. That is a very powerful sign that you are NOT like them. Abusers never check in with themselves. They never wonder if they are misbehaving. Only people of conscience and care stop and review their own lives to be sure they aren't becoming the abusers. The fact that you worry about being abusive to others makes me like (and trust) you so much more than I already did.

Jim, I really do like our interactions. You seem like a very, extra caring person and I'm glad we got to meet virtually on this forum. I spent most of my pre-diagnosis life believing I was the only person on earth who was anything like me. I used to fantasize stories where I drifted off to sea and landed on an uncharted island where, to my great joy, I met an entire tribe of people who were just like me. I totally believed it was fantasy, but since joining this forum, I'm meeting people who are so much like me that we understand and care for each other in ways no other group I've ever been a part of ever cared for each other.

You are someone I would have hoped to meet on that uncharted island.

Take care my friend.
Jim

[j i m]

Hi Jim,

I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out. As a fellow FA, I know the ups and downs of dating can hit pretty rough. I'm going through something now and it's not easy. Even with my t I feel like she gets exasperated, or I can feel the why would you react that way, silently emanating. In my rational brain I know it too, but the emotional brain is a different story. Going through and unpacking all the emotions around it is also not easy to face. I'm trying to work through the shame coming up, but it's all those things that no one really wants to feel. In the end I usually resolve that it's just much better/easier to stay on my own, but I'm trying to get past that. It's the battle I guess.

Sending you support,
dolly

Thank you, Dolly. Yeah, those ups and downs are incredibly intense.. It's hard to keep up. I really gave it every thing I had. I gave it more than I knew I had. I can see I still have so much work to do, but I was really feeling progress. She said she is seeing and working on some of her own demons, and that she can see now how difficult and exhausting this work is. That was incredibly validating to hear. I was very grateful for that.

At the same time, it's so frustrating and I feel like there's no one and nothing to really be frustrated about. I'm not mad at her, I want her to do what is best for her and find happiness. I go through my ups and downs with this, but I think I'm finally getting past being mad at me, too. As aggravating as it is knowing what is going on and still having to wade through it like sludge to find some reprieve, I can no longer fool myself out of how bad the past was or how hard I am trying to be a better person.. Sometimes I get mad at the people who've hurt me and let me down, but even that feels pointless. Sometimes I'm just upset with nothing to be mad about..

I do think this experience has shown me that I actually do want people in my life, which is a step toward the truth at least. Unfortunately, I'm not so sure that a life with anyone else will ever happen whether I want it or not. I feel like at this point in my life it's a bit late to find someone that is willing to work through these things. Not that there isn't time to build relationships, but most folks my age are feeling a clock ticking. If they feel like there's a chance to be with someone, they would rather take that than stay with me long enough to find a way out of this. And for me, I just can't see myself trusting anyone enough to work through all this stuff long enough or fast enough to make meaningful progress toward that kind of end. I can read and watch videos, but until I go through real experience with it again and again, I don't think I can make the kind of progress I'd like. The age old feeling of being in the way and not wanting to drag anyone else down with me is overwhelming.

If it's possible to find peace and resolve with it and still find some kind of happiness and fulfillment, I'm determined to. It's just a lot of grieving over the parts that are said and done and I cannot work to change. Over 30 years worth and counting.

I know the guilt and shame you mean too well. It helps me very much to think that this is a past version of me trying desperately to help me the only way I knew how. Doing the best with what I could at the time.  The best way to honor and respect and thank that version of yourself is to keep carving a better path now that you have a little more to work with. One notch at a time. I really wish you the best, Dolly. It's painstaking, but it is worth it. For all the grief, the good times were well worth it in the end, no matter what else...

[j i m]

Jim,

I just reread your whole thread. In one of your earlier postings you talked about how you ponder whether you are like your abusers. That is a very powerful sign that you are NOT like them. Abusers never check in with themselves. They never wonder if they are misbehaving. Only people of conscience and care stop and review their own lives to be sure they aren't becoming the abusers. The fact that you worry about being abusive to others makes me like (and trust) you so much more than I already did.

Jim, I really do like our interactions. You seem like a very, extra caring person and I'm glad we got to meet virtually on this forum. I spent most of my pre-diagnosis life believing I was the only person on earth who was anything like me. I used to fantasize stories where I drifted off to sea and landed on an uncharted island where, to my great joy, I met an entire tribe of people who were just like me. I totally believed it was fantasy, but since joining this forum, I'm meeting people who are so much like me that we understand and care for each other in ways no other group I've ever been a part of ever cared for each other.

You are someone I would have hoped to meet on that uncharted island.

Take care my friend.
Jim

I'm not gonna lie to you man, this one is really hitting me in the gut. I have always felt very alone, too. Especially right now, the thought of someone picking me, looking forward to meeting me, is something really meaningful. I'm very glad for your interactions here, too. I've been going to so many groups and therapy, and no one gets it like y'all do. You're a rare breed, and I am immensely grateful you're here. More than you'll ever know. Thank you.