Not quite checking out

[Armee]

I'm going to be removing my journals as I am unsure if someone who knows me has been reading them but I feel a little uncomfortable right now. I'm not checking out but I will probably wait to start a new journal for a little bit and then try to be a little more anonymous with what I write. But I'll still be supporting others here in the meantime. 

[Moondance]

Gosh I'm sorry Armee.

That makes me nervous and uncomfortable as well.

 

[NarcKiddo]

Oh, no. I hope that nobody you know has been reading the journals but totally understand why you would want to remove them.

 

[Kizzie]

Before you remove them Armee, I can make a private section for those who are concerned their journals will be read by someone they don't want to see them and move yours there. It will mean though that only members who also have their journals there can comment on what you've written.

The other option is to just store them in the private section.

[Hope67]

Hi Armee,
I hope you feel more comfortable soon, and that whatever you decide regarding your journal works out to enable you to feel more comfortable.

I noticed what Kizzie has just said about the option of a private area, and I must admit I would be tempted also to request a transfer of my journals to such an area if there was one, as I do worry about someone reading them and recognising me sometimes.

I share that concern.

Hope 

[Armee]

Thank you Kizzie. I should have asked you about it first. I already deleted it but i did save a copy first in case it's needed later.

Before you remove them Armee, I can make a private section for those who are concerned their journals will be read by someone they don't want to see them and move yours there. It will mean though that only members who also have their journals there can comment on what you've written.

The other option is to just store them in the private section.

[Moondance]

I would be more comfortable to have my journals in a private area as well.

I had some concerns before about my journal being read or being found out but the concern has now  heightened.

[Armee]

Wow it really makes me sad how quickly and fully I overreacted to a very very minor issue. Sad because I clearly am not healed if I will react so drastically. I was only in a minor not even disagreement with a relative and in the course of written correspondence about it they used to word storm. That's all it took for me to think I had been found out and that my words would be used against me and to feel completely unsafe and under threat. It is nowhere near anything realistic. Sigh.

I know i was triggered on many fronts all at once but ultimately I'm pretty sure this all came down to having shared something with T a few days ago that I'm apparently not supposed to talk about. This cptsd stuff is so messy.

[blue_sky]

 
Quick and drastic reaction does not mean that you're not healed. Please don't be so harsh on yourself. Our traumas have just shaped us that way and our brain likes to protect us by being hyper vigilant.
Hope you're feeling much better and safer now. 

[NarcKiddo]

 

Hugs.

[storyworld]

Ugh! Armee, I am so sorry. I can only imagine how unsettling that would feel! I do hope this can become a safe place for you again soon! I also love your heart to support others!

[Kizzie]

I agree, I wouldn't be too had on yourself either Armee, that is CPTSD for you and when there is a flash of danger what kicks in but the thing that kept us safer as children.

Sorry you took down your journal.  If you'd like to start a new one in a private section I'll be setting one up and would be happy to add you.  Moondance I'll let you know when I've set it up and make sure you want me to move your journal entries over before I do so.

 

[Armee]

 

Thank you everyone and especially Kizzie.

[Blueberry]

Hello Armee, I hope you're feeling safer now

I agree with the others on not being too hard on yourself. ime we can make tons of progress and then all of a sudden some little thing triggers us badly. It's maybe not even been a trigger before because it wasn't quite in this constellation, but now it is a trigger - and the bad-tempered, scratchy house cat turns into a sabre-toothed tiger and we react appropriately for the latter.

cptsd - it's complex and complicated. 10 steps forward (you've made way more than 1 step forward since you've been on OOTS!!), 1 step back with what you wrote about, some time to re-adjust and then 1.5 steps forward and onward! That kind of thing happens to me and it will for you too, I am sure of that

I'm sorry you felt so unsafe you deleted your Journal, but I think you made a copy for yourself. I'm glad of that for you. I can really understand being worried about somebody like FOO etc reading it. I was worried for a long time and so skirted around harmless details (like my furbabies, the kind of work I do, the language other than English that I normally speak) in case I was recognised.

[Armee]

Thanks BB. You are very right about steps forward and backward.