Miscellaneous ramblings of NarcKiddo

[SenseOrgan]

NC, It's interesting that reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents brought up doubt about your own maturity. I think that level of introspection/honesty is actually a sign of maturity. Immature people lack that awareness and tend to react instead of respond. Being aware of our Littles creates the opportunity to pause and respond in a way we deem more appropriate than our impulses. One way I view trauma is being stuck in a zero options reaction to difficult emotions. And healing is also learning to relate to those in different ways. That's only possible when we're willing to get to know ourself. Immature parents don't go there, and dump their emotional states onto their child(ren) unregulated. That's one way the cycle continues. I don't think that happens when an adult is aware of the ways they flee from difficult emotions.

One thing I'm grateful for is Pete Walker writing about his own developmental arrest. Developmental trauma very much also is that; a part of our development halted at a certain age. Referring to that as a Little is a genius way to create the opportunity to relate to ourself and others differently and to mature later in life. 

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you all for your encouragement and love. 

M has gone textbook. She clearly realises she made a bad mistake by not asking about my health when we were all together. She is not stupid and she knows all about social optics. This is worse than social optics, too, because her fantasy is that we have a happy family and we all love each other, and the person with the most love is her! For her beloved children! I have exposed her smoke and mirrors by asking her why she did not raise the subject when we were together rather than waiting until I got home and then saying she was worried. She is not used to being questioned and she hates it. The question has gone unanswered and a couple of days ago she started spamming up her own text chat with pointless chatter. I am assuming so she could stop that question from hanging there in the air. She cannot bring herself to apologise. She could easily issue a fauxpology (as she would maybe do in a social situation) just saying that she was too shocked. There's any number of excuses she could come up with. But she hasn't. I've clearly jabbed her in a weak spot.

I've mentioned her trying to pay for transport for visits, which I turned down. I suspect that if I had said I don't have a cleaner she would try to pay for one, but I sidestepped Cleanergate without ever saying whether I have a cleaner or not. We have had a couple of telephone conversations that have all been a bit weird and stilted because I have been even more silent and boring than usual, simply staying within the bounds of politeness.

So - how has she gone textbook, you may ask. She sent money into my bank account. Quite a meaningful sum without being ridiculous. Three times what she would spend on my birthday, say. And she messaged me to say she had done so as a gift just because she wanted to. To be nice.

I am guessing she considers the slate wiped clean now. She's got rid of her discomfort by sending me money. She was unable to give me money with strings because I refused, so in the end she could only send a straight gift. I am not going to return it - that would provoke a discussion that I do not want to have. I have said polite thanks, no more.

I don't feel happy about the gift. Objectively it is nice to have a small windfall. It will pay for some therapy sessions! But it has not wiped the slate clean as far as I am concerned. Why would it?

[sanmagic7]

NK, my ex has been good at that, still is.  he easily handed over money - maybe as a way of assuaging his guilt, i don't know - and he still does that w/ my D.  but we need it at this point, so i'm not going to say 'no'.  it's enough in my mind to know what the game is that he's playing.  i'll never confront him on it, but i will take advantage.  he's done mean things to her via money before, so i'm glad he's finally stepping up, if that's what it is, and giving some to her.  he'd been supporting D1 for many years - it's about time he helps this D out.

that's how i've been able to resolve this particular dilemma.  but i'm not in contact w/ him anymore, either, so i can allow this w/o repercussions or really feelings of any kind.  best to you in your situation.  i know it can be a rough road to travel.  love and hugs

[Marcine]

Hi NK,
This reminds me of the part in the Wizard of Oz movie when Toto the dog pulls back the fabric curtain and exposes who is working all the levers and scary flame effects, who has been manipulating and bullying for his own purposes.
Dorothy and friends see the human who is yelling into the microphone, "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!"

Then I read about the money "gift" your mother deposited in your account.
My father used to do that back in the day by sending me a fat check in the mail. To me, it distinctly felt like he was trying to buy my silence and compliance. I'm sure he's done that lots in his corporate career. At first, I donated the funds, but then I just ripped up the checks. Blood money.

It is my opinion that money never wipes the slate clean. Nothing takes the place of personal responsibility, true listening, and love.