Miscellaneous ramblings of NarcKiddo

[Marcine]

I relate to those persistent EFs that sneak up and pounce. This one understandably sounds like a doozy.

I sense the deep clarity and awareness in your writing, NK. I know that itself doesn't make things rosy, but I just want to reflect back the power you're showing in declaring the fear, the decisions you made on your own behalf, and of course the choice to post here and receive support.

The EF will end and I hope it passes soon.

With love and support

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you, friends. Your support is invaluable and I love you all.

This EF is indeed a doozy. Thankfully it's not a totally all-encompassing one. I think that's likely because adult NK has figured out she needs to stay online and the littles trust me enough to let me stick around, even if they've locked me in the garden while they rampage in the house, so all I can do is try to reach them through the glass. But it does make it easier to bear even so.

Into day four.

Yesterday things changed a bit. I'd spent the previous 2 days trying to help the littles with their conflicting emotions. There was a moment when Little NK told me she was sad at having been left out of the cruise. That knocked me for six because she hadn't been left out at all. We'd been asked to go and I had refused for very sound reasons indeed. Fortunately that episode didn't last all that long but it was really befuddling me. 

So yesterday I stopped feeling furious at my H and veered into wanting comfort and cuddles ALL THE TIME. I thought the EF was on the way out and we had a nice morning. Then we went out for lunch with friends. They're quite new friends and although I enjoy their company she can be very prickly so I am never quite at ease. The service was slow and the lunch took three hours which was tiring. During lunch I got messaged from the cruise, which was going well and M seemed to be enjoying it. This was good news for some of me and very bad news for other parts. Good news for the parts that just want M to be content and for adult NK who does not want to have to listen to endless complaints when she gets back. Very bad news for the parts who want her to have a terrible time so she will never go on a cruise again. They want this because there used to be two places on earth where I could guarantee never to see my M. A ship and a gym. Now there is only one. If she develops a fitness habit we are DOOMED! 

I had to get back to attend an important zoom meeting for a trauma project with no time for rest in between. The meeting went fine but it also took three hours by which time the EF was back in full swing. I felt almost catatonic for the rest of the evening, and very tearful. I slept very badly and feel tired today, but emotionally a bit more stable. I don't think it will take much to push me back into the EF so I am being careful right now.