FINDING MY FEELINGS

[Armee]

  Hi. Great idea to juice!!! I don't have a juicer but may make a smoothie. Thanks for the inspiration!

If it makes you feel better I read a ton of nonfiction books including on trauma and trauma memoirs but have never been able to get through Pete Walker's book and have no idea why.

[Moondance]

 

Hi Armee,

Yes that made me feel better lol 

I plan to start a written journal as I read Peter's book.  Nothing too detailed just point form highlights to help my memory I guess.

Enjoy your smoothie Armee!

[Moondance]

This morning I pulled out my poems which I haven't looked at for years.  A neighbor was talking about writing a song a week ago or more and I thought I would look at the poems I wrote years ago to give him ideas for his song.  I didn't find anything that i thought would work for him but I had a look anyway.  I read them and found one called "The Lost Child". 

This evening I started reading about the 4F's of CPTSD.  I have experienced all of the characteristics listed for the freeze defense + others F's that I find too shameful to name. 

One of things I found interesting though is that Peter Walker describes the freeze defense as "The Lost Child". 


Peter Walker, Complex PTSD, From Survuving to Thriving, pg 118

RIGHT-BRAIN DISSOCIATION

It is often the scapegoat or the most profoundly abandoned child, "the lost child", who is forced to habituate to the freeze response. Not allowed to successfully employ fight, flight or fawn responses, the freeze type's defenses develop around classical or right-brain dissociation. Dissociation allows the freeze type to disconnect from experiencing his abandonment pain, and protects him from risky social interactions - any of which might trigger feelings of being retraumatized. If you are a freeze type, you may seek refuge and comfort by dissociating in prolonged bouts of sleep, daydreaming, wishing and right-brain-dominant activities like TV, online browsing and video games. Freeze types sometimes have or appear to have Attention Deficit Disorder [ADD]. They often master the art of changing the internal channel whenever inner experience becomes uncomfortable. When they are especially traumatized or triggered, they may exhibit a schizoid-like detachment from ordinary reality. And in worst case scenarios, they can decompensate into a schizophrenic experience like the main character in the book, I Never Promised You a Rose Garden.[/i][/color]

There is schizophrenia in my FOO.  When I read this I recalled a direct manager saying something to me about this, insinuating that perhaps I was schizophrenic.   I don't recall exactly but I remember feeling really ashamed and wanting to hide.  I was assistant manager at the time and recall feeling demeaned, nothing, worthless.  I did not understand or was unable to understand mental illness, I was to overwhelmed with shsne.    That was the beginning of the end of yet another friendship gone bad.  I didn't feel/think I could trust her from then on.  I have felt ashamed of my FOO, it's history and of course deep seeded shame of
Myself. 

One of my brothers came to live with me for a time.  I thought I could help him at the time.  With my recent knowledge of CPTSD and our FOO history  I strongly believe my brother struggles with CPTSD as well.  I mention this because the manager I spoke of was aware of my B's severe depression and difficulties.  She used this, not in a supportive way, to put me in my place, put me down, whatever.  The thing is when I read the above   paragraph about (in worse case scenarios) schizophrenia experience I realize now, today, when I read it, that it is most likely true.  Hard pill for me to swallow. 

[Armee]

 

Hey. Wow what a coincidence that you named your poem lost child and then see that Pete Walker called the dissociated/freeze response the "lost child" too.

That was cruel of your former boss/friend. Most people do not understand mental illness or trauma or what schizophrenia looks like. But I know if you were a male vet displaying a trauma response they'd understand it's PTSD. You have wounds from massive trauma. You have complex ptsd. You are injured and responding in a normal way to abnormal situations plural.

I get it, My mom had bipolar disorder which I actually think was schizoaffective because she displayed all of the negative symptoms of schizophrenia (negative meaning "absence of responses" not negative meaning "bad"). So I know that fear of maybe I do too.

You are not schizophrenic. Schizophrenia requires serious treatment and speciifc medication and your doctor would need you to know and would need people around you to know so you could receive treatment during psychosis. Your therapist would tell you if you were schizophrenic.

But you know thinking about that passage I see what he means by that I think. Because the dissociation can become so severe that there is flat affect and catatonia. Sometimes I think doctors misdiagnose trauma and dissociation as schizophrenia if they don't understand the sound and visual flashbacks and voices as psychotic instead of flashbacks and internal communication. But they are not the same.

And if you were schizophrenic. That's OK too. You are who you are regardless of a diagnosis. You are kind and intelligent and creative and traumatized. You have been through a lot. That would injure anyone's nervous system badly. You are still here! I know the shame. It is so difficult. But I'm proud of you. I think you turned out awesome.

[Moondance]

Hi Armee,

Back at you with a big hug 

You have wounds from massive trauma. You have complex ptsd. You are injured and responding in a normal way to abnormal situations plural.

Thank you for this - I keep forgetting. This IC takes over but that will hopefully change.

I get it, My mom had bipolar disorder which I actually think was schizoaffective because she displayed all of the negative symptoms of schizophrenia (negative meaning "absence of responses" not negative meaning "bad"). So I know that fear of maybe I do too.


I will look up schizzoaffective. I'm not sure what exactly all my mom struggled with but for sure CPTSD.  "Absence of responses" rings so true for me and my FOO. Pretty certain my mom (and others) experienced dissociation. 

You have convinced me I'm not schizophrenic!!! A huge thank you.  😊 I agree, the psychiatrist would have picked up on something I would think as,well as my T.

And if you were schizophrenic. That's OK too. You are who you are regardless of a diagnosis. You are kind and intelligent and creative and traumatized. You have been through a lot. That would injure anyone's nervous system badly. You are still here! I know the shame. It is so difficult. But I'm proud of you. I think you turned out awesome

I agree and I now have a better understanding of mental illness.  Although I don't feel safe (yet) telling everyone about my own mental illness, I think that as I deal/heal with the shame, etc perhaps that will change or not (lol) and that's okay.

Thank you so much for your continued encouragement.  I feel accepted in this moment.  😌  I know that my head will tell me otherwise at some point but for now it's a good feeling.

[Moondance]

I had a session with T this morning.  It was good.

I felt encouraged - she told me she would fill out application for Breaking Free Foundation for possible funding for a couple additional sessions.  Both psychologist and client apply.
I feel supported here and my T.  That is uplifting.

More tears, tears of relief, gratitude and dare I say it, (joy)

I feel spent now - a call for rest is in order.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing about the support and joy you felt today.

[sanmagic7]

And if you were schizophrenic. That's OK too. You are who you are regardless of a diagnosis. You are kind and intelligent and creative and traumatized. You have been through a lot. That would injure anyone's nervous system badly. You are still here! I know the shame. It is so difficult. But I'm proud of you. I think you turned out awesome

moondance, i took armee's quote and put it here cuz i just wanted to reiterate those sentiments.  mental illness is only shame-based because others have made it so.  we weren't born being ashamed of who we were, what we looked like, or how we acted.  that was put on us by others so it doesn't belong to us, really.  but, trauma has this mysterious way of convincing ourselves that we are shameful, we are guilty, we are wrong.  that's the ICr's manipulation of our mind, but that ICr didn't originate w/ us.  it was put there, pounded there, cemented there.

luckily, we are learning the tools to break thru that block of ICr noise.  you are learning them as well.  keep on going. 

and so happy for you that there's hope for continued sessions.  yay!  love and hugs

[Moondance]

Hi San,

Thanks so much for the encouragement and support San, I so appreciate it.

I have been drinking caffeinated coffee the past few days.  I have been off caffeine for approx. 3 yrs, maybe more.  I am feeling a bit wired, okay a lot wired this morning not good for me.

This morning I have been reading about the definition of neurodivergency, superpowers of ADD (ADHD) and a reminder about the ADD symptoms because I forget them. 

I have experienced, on occasions since I'm off work, and usually when speaking to insurance people, lawyer, etc that I start to stutter.  It feels like my eyes are rolling backwards, they are closed and my brain is searching for words but it's blank. No words come out (feels like forever) and eventually only stutters come out. It seems to happen when I'm experiencing stress and talking with someone I don't feel safe with.  Actually it has happened with T come to think of it.  Usually when I'm trying to explain something so maybevits not necessarily about feeling safe. If this resonates with anyone let me know. I meant to mention to T yesterday but forgot. 

Today I would like to do laundry and cleaning,  will see how that goes. 

[sanmagic7]

moondance, i have difficulty speaking to strangers, especially if they're in a position of authority. also difficulty understanding what they're saying, and often have to ask several times for clarification and explanation.  my words often don't come out the way i want, or my mind goes blank and i can't even find the words.  you're not alone w/ this.  it's so stressful.  several times i presented as an alternate persona - different personality, different way of speaking, different emotional response. 

our brains do what they think we need in order to keep us safe.  unfortunately, it can be at inconvenient times.  i'm with you on this.  love and hugs

[Armee]

Super frustrating to not feel like we control our words or speech.

It could still be related to safety even if it happens with T? Even though I feel very safe with mine, therapy is where the most extreme triggering tends to happen because we are touching close to the traumas.

[Blueberry]

I feel spent now - a call for rest is in order.

for seeing you needed and - might I add - deserved rest!

I have problems with language too sometimes. Like in the weeks after I moved I felt so unsure in the language of the country where I live and was sure I was making mistakes all over the place, although I speak it fluently and have for a long time. I also sometimes stutter and have trouble finding the correct words in both my languages.

It actually has to do with an area of the brain called Broca's area. Here are a few links from our forum: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=8320.msg57322#msg57322  https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13823.msg105676#msg105676  https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13986.msg107947#msg107947
and a quote from an old mbr, 3Roses: You may also be interested in Bessel Van Der Kolk's book "The Body Keeps The Score". He is one of the leading experts on the effects of traumatic injury on the brain. In his book, he discusses Broca's area, one of the speech centers of the brain, and how it goes "offline" during emotional flashbacks.  3Roses actually mentioned Broca's area to me in my intro thread on the forum because difficulty with language was something I mentioned in my very first post.

You are definitely not alone with this, Moondance!   Btw, I really like your name.

[Moondance]

Sanmagic - yes re strangers and authority figures. Thank you for responding and sharing your experience.



Armee - thank you as well.  I think your right that there is so much going on in T.  I'm not always present with T and don't even realize it til later.





Thank you so much for this Blueberry - the hug is appreciated, the support is appreciated, the info/links are appreciated

[Moondance]

Just experienced had a  yuckie with M. 

But also I recognize that I have been excruciatingly hard on myself for not having a long term relationship.  And that even though I'm responsible for my behaviors in my relationships, a good part of why I was unable to be or have a long term relationship is because of the trauma I experienced at a young age and on. 

*****TRIGGER WARNING**** SA





I recall being at my home with partner and we were being intimate at the time.  When i got up and walked to the I found my M had let herself in and was sitting in the living room listening to us.  I don't know at what point she arrived.  The thought of this makes my stomach turn, and my head gets busy (if that makes sense) with feelings.  Is this dissociation? Quite possibly but not certain.  I cannot understand for the life of me why or how a mother could or would do this???!!! 
I want this memory to go away now.   

[Armee]

I'm so sorry. That is so wrong and intrusive of her to have done that.