To both brothers

[Blueberry]

To my brothers,

I've just watched a video by some trauma expert and now understand better the way you behave towards me. I wish I could impart this information to you and that you'd at least take it in and acknowledge it. A further step would be then to change your behaviour towards me. However I know that none of that will happen. I could explain till the cows come home and I could explain in huge depth with a multitude of examples, but the information will not reach you. Why not? Because there are tapes / protocols running in both of your amygdalas saying "BB is at fault". That's what you learned subconsciously growing up in our family, it's been recorded in and programmed into your amygdalas and into the limbic system. You could only change that by actually working on it for which you would need to see/feel/sense a reason to do so. But so long as you rely on the message in your subconscious saying "BB is at fault, BB is wrong, BB must've misunderstood", then you'll never see a reason to look deeper, to change vis-a-vis me, to treat me better.

It's getting on for 7 years since I last saw you, your children, our parents and I had to make the decision to leave your company to save myself, knowing deep down that that was it and knowing that however hard it was going to be, I was going to put my own health first and not be the one in FOO to put up with bad behaviour towards me because I understand where it's coming from and you don't or some such   That's part of what's programmed into my amygdala - somehow it was my job to make allowances for other people. That doesn't really come as a surprise now that I remember - not for the first time - the way B1 made excuses for his own behaviour based on how you were treated by M. You 'inherited' her anger and somehow it was obvious to you that I was the one to bear the brunt of your anger, physically. Well, of course it was obvious to you because the reason was programmed in your amygdala: BB is at fault. And further you learnt that nobody was going to protect me so you could do what you wanted. I don't know how much the latter is amygdala or pre-frontal cortex or a mix and I don't actually really care because none of it is a viable excuse. It's more that I can see all of this in a more detached way combined with - there is absolutely no hope for our FOO. btw you can't 'inherit' anger, you can't 'inherit' an emotion. You can copy the behaviours of one parent or some other relative, but the notion of 'inheriting' says: "I can't help it, it's not my fault." In your mind, it releases you from any responsibility. It doesn't do so! I am your younger sister and that age difference was very relevant in our childhood.

Seeing this video was very important to me in connection to our relationship, B2. Now I understand why you took on the family myth of "BB is at fault" even though you possibly don't even remember or didn't even hear the things that were said to me in my childhood by M and sometimes F. B1 was around, B1 interacted with me more, got me in trouble and punished and would hear what was said to me in a way you didn't, being younger. Also you weren't played up against me the way B1 was, nor did you resort to violence in our childhood, so for years I thought we had a different and better relationship. So it was utterly devastating for me to realise 7 years ago that that is not the case. And now I know "BB is at fault" is in your amygdala, programmed in as the family truth.

I wish you could understand this, I wish I could tell you, but I know I definitely shouldn't because it would just make me vulnerable and I know that you're not even capable of understanding. Another FOO myth "BB is stupid, ignorant" etc. Just thinking of that now because your inability to understand any of the above contrasted with my ability to understand shows me that I'm way ahead of you in emotional intelligence and in plain old observation of what's going on. I'm way ahead of you in anything positive also does not fit the FOO narrative, so along with other stuff programmed into your amygdalas (in order to keep you safe!) is something like "BB is always wrong" or even "it's best to shun BB" because the latter is what our parents did. That is something you are undoubtedly not conscious of at all. But just because I am, doesn't mean I'm going to put up with it or should put up with it or must put up with it. B1, you told me in our childhood that I should stop "making a martyr out of" myself. Oh the irony! You'd all love it if I made a martyr out of myself these days and put up with everybody's treatment of me and turned the other cheek so that my withdrawal from FOO has no repercussions on you and your families.
BB
_____________________

I used to spit with rage when I wrote this type of thing to FOO. My recovery letter is longer than I expected but I'm not spitting with rage (yet), just writing what was evolving in my mind and emotions. Turned out good to write it down because while writing more understanding and realisations came.

ETA a minor clarification for when I read this in months to come

[Armee]

 

It's very clear and centered and balanced, Blueberry

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee. I have a smile on my face reading your post

[Blueberry]

So I've finally written to them but just in response to an email from them about practical matters. I hadn't even remembered writing this one on here. Just came onto Recovery Letters because I knew I wanted to respond to Armee's which I read earlier but didn't have the wherewithal to do so.

[Armee]

 

Gentle gentle.

[Bach]

I read your letter, Blueberry.  I had similar experiences in my family.  Do you know what the video was?  If you do, I'd like to watch it.  Thank you for sharing 

[Blueberry]

I read your letter, Blueberry.  I had similar experiences in my family.  Do you know what the video was?  If you do, I'd like to watch it.  Thank you for sharing 

I think it might have been a video I saw in a Trauma Conference, so no longer available. If so I undoubtedly took notes and I have been intending to transfer the notes I took onto here, just haven't done so yet. 

[Blueberry]

So I've finally written to them but just in response to an email from them about practical matters.

So there's been some toing and froing on that front this evening. Not all on practical matters either. I've been speaking my mind on a number of topics, finally. Knowing they could take revenge and cut me off financially. But I still want to speak my mind. And if they do do that, well, they'll really be showing who they are.

[Moondance]

  thinking of you Blueberry and how difficult this is.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Moondance, I really appreciate it. 

[Bermuda]

As you say in your closing, I can really see you have come so far. That's huge isn't it?
Thank you for writing this. It inspired me to write my own, albeit not nearly as kind-hearted.
It gives me something to aspire toward.

[Blueberry]

And another one:

To my brothers,

Our parents don't treat me the way they do because of their age, they treat me the way they do because that's how and who they are.

_ _ _

The above was suddenly clear to me an hour or so ago.