To Dad

[Phoebes]

 

Dad, I woke up yet again with my head swirling, thinking about writing, knowing your birthday is coming up. As usual I have been utterly confused, which I have come to realize is because of gaslighting. You told me in the summer I would be receiving an invite to your 80th birthday party and you expected me to be there. You gave me an ultimatum that I work things out with your wife or we probably wouldn't see you again. You said she was going to call me to talk. She's never called and I've never received an invitation. OK.

Aside from that, when we talked and I told you how I felt about everything, that was a long time coming. A lifetime coming. Silly me a thought that you would listen or understand if I just talk to you about it. You asked me to talk to you and I did. There's always so much stress around your relationship your wife and how she treats everyone to the point she has isolated you far away and none of us feel we have any choice but to stay away. Yet somehow it is our fault.

After sincerely talking to you which included telling you I really wish we could be closer, that you would call me more, that you would call me back when you said you would, he straight up didn't call me for a whole year until my birthday. I don't really care to get a call on my birthday when there's no relationship outside of that. I wanted a relationship which has never been and which doesn't seem to ever happen.

It hurts that you are an enabler. That you take on the abusive qualities of your partners and don't protect me or my sibling. It hurts that you have blamed us for the separation and have painted a picture to the family that you are all alone and no one cares. Every time you say you're going to call me or text me or send me a picture or anything and then don't, it just reinforces the pain.

Now out of the blue you want me to do something for you. A major task that you have no idea how I feel about. When I tell you you just gloss over it and pretend like I have no feelings of my own. You're really forcing me out and forcing me to stay away and disengage. You're not listening and you don't care to listen.

I don't know what to say about these books and messages you keep giving me. It's outrageous. It's not your place to tell me how to think and feel and believe. That was part of our conversation too. All of this was. You just completely did not hear me or see me and kept right on doing all of the painful things that you blame me for. It's also outrageous there really should be no question that I just need to stay away. Yet somehow there's nothing that hurts deeper.

[Papa Coco]

Phoebes,

This is a very well written letter to your dad. It paints, for me, the whole picture. He's a religious zealot with a narcissistic wife who is intentionally isolating him, most likely for his life insurance or his 401k. You want a relationship with him, but he won't pull his head out of the sand to see what kind of a wall his church and his wife have built around him.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. My dad was taken away from me toward the end also, and, it was definitely for his 401k. She took it and got away with it. They usually do. It hurts. The behaviors of greed and narcissism and religion bypass all the true feelings of love and bonding we want with our parents.

I hope writing this letter gave you some sense of closure or relief. By reading the letter, I sense that you clearly know that this situation is absolutely not about you. To me, it feels like it is all about a narcissistic wife and a narcissistic church putting him in a prison he can walk out of if he'll just open his eyes and think for himself. Which may never happen. It never happened for my dad.

But you have friends here who are quick to validate and bond with you. Many of us have experienced similar things, so we truly feel your dad's betrayal with you. I hope we are able to provide some comfort in any large or small way.

[Saluki]

Wow Phoebes, I feel your pain. I didn't realise other people suffered the same as I do with regards dad's wife isolating us. I am so hurt by a very similar situation and feel your pain. I'm very sad that you had to write this, had to suffer such ill treatment. Reading your letter helps me understand better that my dad is enabling his wife's behaviour. Thank you so much for including your letter here. I will come back and re-read it whilst figuring out things around my (almost non) relationship with my dad.

Sending you lots of caring thoughts. You deserve better and it's not your fault.

[Bert]

Hi Phoebes,

Reading this, really hits close to home... I've been gaslit my entire life by my father who enables my mother's narcissism and alcoholism. To the point where I know he would rather see the demise of the entire planet before moving an inch on the matter of his illusory "perfect" marriage and family. Despite the countless desperate pleas throughout childhood and early adulthood, and the suffering I continue to endure. It's mind boggling how "blind" he / they are.

I wanted to say thank you for sharing this. I hope that you're doing as well as you can.

[Phoebes]

Thank you all for your responses. I'm sorry for the delay-I had kind of dropped off. I get kind of overwhelmed by all of this.

I have not seen or discussed anything with my dad still. Although on rare occasion we have a short text or phone interaction, very surface level and usually proving there is no change.

We have a big family Thanksgiving coming up and one of the Hoovering aunts invited them. They said the reason they haven't been coming is because of me and my sibling. But they told us the reason they don't come is because his siblings don't come to visit him. Now they are coming and he has this narrative that he is looking forward to being back together as one happy family.

Typical attitude, a picture of smiling people in place for them to show is more important than how anyone actually feels. He even said when I expressed my feelings, well you have smiled in the pictures so I guess you are fake!

 I don't want to miss a fun holiday with my cousins, but this really is stressing me out, of course who wants to spend time with that and under the pretense? I feel it will result in no contact or some sort of situation. I feel like feigning Covid.

Anyway. Thank you all for your responses and support. And I'm sorry that y'all have this similar scenario in your own lives. It's sad. And evil.