Rainy Journey 23

[rainydiary]

Larry, thank you for the support.
.........

This morning I am reflecting on the amount of fear I have toward others.

I am getting caught up in the Outer Critic and not acknowledging the turmoil within me.

[rainydiary]

As the day went on I also recognize ways I continue to try to keep myself small. 

I am still doing so much to be pleasing and liked by others.

A lot of this is trying to understand autism and how I move in the world.

I had a meeting after school that is leaving me drained.  I felt strong in advocating about autism for the student and sharing with the parents (and team) that I am autistic.  Then the school team continues to propose goals and react to the family (members of whom must be neurodivergent too) in ways that leave me sad and tired and asking "Why the F*&k do I even try?" 

[Not Alone]

Then the school team continues to propose goals and react to the family (members of whom must be neurodivergent too) in ways that leave me sad and tired and asking "Why the F*&k do I even try?" 

Because what you do and your understanding and care of your students makes a difference to them.

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, thank you for the validation.
........
Feeling a bit ridiculous right now.  I tried sharing concerns with a colleague and I feel a bit gaslit by her response.  I see her point.  I think what I realize from her response is that I am not the person to lead the fight that other people in my role want to have.  I literally don't have the energy to care about the things they are upset about.  I put my energy elsewhere.

The world does not revolve me and also I have experiences that aren't acknowledged by other people because they are "invisible" to them. 

I have about three more hours to be at work then will head home.

[Blueberry]

Then the school team continues to propose goals and react to the family (members of whom must be neurodivergent too) in ways that leave me sad and tired and asking "Why the F*&k do I even try?" 

Because what you do and your understanding and care of your students makes a difference to them.

I hope you can debunk feeling ridiculous. Questions, comments, conversation sometimes lead to learning additional things about a situation or yourself. It's OK to learn something new or hear a different perspective from somebody and consider whether it applies to yourself. There's nothing ridiculous about learning something new. I 'get' feeling ridiculous but I don't think it's necessary if that makes sense? Might be wrapped up in shame?

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I appreciate your support.   
.........
I don't know what to say today.

I am feeling less and less welcome at my secondary school.  I think the best way forward is to not be there anymore after this year.  I recognize a pattern where a stronger personality "parents" me.  I keep myself small around this person even though I would say we relatively get along.  She is too controlling and people in the school think I am her assistant as opposed to someone with equal status.  I think the best thing would be to remove myself from the situation after this school year.

Beyond that I just feel lost.  Feeling a lot of frustration with my husband and his silence.  I communicate and communicate and I hear so little in return.  For instance, I know something has happened between him and his family but I couldn't say what it is because he hasn't told me.  I think he is overwhelmed from shock of reduced enmeshment.  He plans to go to his doctor in April to speak about medication and who knows what else.  I hold a lot of fear based on the last time he went through this process.  Part of me just wants to not have to deal with a relationship. 

I have a busy day tomorrow that I would rather not do.  I think I'll go to bed.

[Bach]

rainy 

[rainydiary]

Thank you Bach 
...........
I had this thought yesterday and wanted to write it down to see what I make of it.

I am hypersensitive to the way adults treat children.  I struggle to understand why when an adult sees a kid doing something, they immediately jump to the conclusion they are doing something wrong.

Yet with other adults, I always assume they are doing something wrong or have some motive I don't understand in how they are treating me. 

I am trying to consider that the time and patience I give relationship building with kids is also needed with adults.  And also adults have a lot of power to harm me in ways kids do not. 

I think my feelings are both related to the way the first adults in my life treated me and how I've been treated by adults ever since.

*sigh*. I didn't sleep my best last night and have a big day ahead.

[rainydiary]

My day went ok.  I am not feeling my best after my observation.

I took a risk and showed my supervisor a rather unstructured activity.  She had a lot of feedback for me.  I think in the long run her feedback will be good for me.

Right now it feels bad.  I feel like I'm in "trouble" and did something wrong.  I am also just feeling generally angry toward others right now in an attempt to protect myself.

I hope this passes.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, personally, i think it takes a special kind of skill set to develop a relationship w/ a kid, and i don't see it as the same for doing so w/ adults.  kids don't have the same level of logic, perspective, or life experience as adults.  you are so kind, patient, and gentle w/ the kids you work w/, and you know your place in relation to them.  it sounds like, especially because of past experience, you're not quite sure of your place w/ adults.  hence, you act small.  maybe not, just a thought.

i know i've struggled w/ this myself, still do at times, also feeling small.  i've only just begun to speak up for myself w/ my D, and that's only because she has created this safe space for me.  but i can't see myself doing so regularly w/ others yet.  baby steps.

you've been making some wonderful progress in figuring things out for and about yourself, and i have no doubt as you continue in recovery you'll find the place you need to be in.  hang tough, rainy - i'm hangin' right beside you.  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

I hear your frustration with your husband's silence. I understand.

Right now it feels bad.  I feel like I'm in "trouble" and did something wrong.  I am also just feeling generally angry toward others right now in an attempt to protect myself.

That makes sense to me. Those are familiar feelings/thoughts to me also.

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate the reminder of the distinction between building relationships with kids versus adults.  I still don't feel like an adult and that may show up in these dynamics.  I am also finding that I am speaking up more in productive ways and yet still have this big blob inside that I can't put into words that is making me feel stuck.  I appreciate your support and care.
.....
Not Alone, Thank you.  I did speak to my husband about how it hurts me.  On Friday after work he did initiate conversation with me.  Part of me was glad and felt like he heard me.  More of me wonders if that was a one time thing.  This all takes me down a path of hurtful thoughts.  Mostly "why marry someone you don't want to talk to or have any curiosity about?"  I hope to keep speaking up and seeing how that goes.

I am still feeling lousy about the feedback and my performance. 
..........
Saturdays are the day I tend to feel best.  It's been a good day.  And also I am still very upset about the conversation with my supervisor.  I want to argue and tell her she's wrong.  I want to be right and comfortable and not feel so overwhelmed by her words. 

This conversation with her touches on very old parts of me that have been told I am wrong and broken and flawed.  So I am not capable of not taking her words so seriously and feeling them so deeply.  I'm not sure if there are feelings I need to process or if I am still quick to feel "scolded."

I actually think what I am feeling bad about is her feedback made me feel like I am failing my students.  Like I am not providing them with strategies and supports to grow their communication.  I don't believe that is true, but I think my way of doing this doesn't match hers.  I wish one conversation about one 30 minute block of time with a student I am still trying to get to know and which was made awkward by her presence didn't make me feel so terrible.  I think this taught me that the next time I am observed, I need to take care of myself differently to be ready for feedback.

I did share my autism diagnosis with her because in many ways I think she can be an ally.  I hope I didn't make a mistake.  I am noticing how some folks talk about wanting to be supportive and when they are confronted with an opportunity, they aren't sure how to handle it. 

I think for many of my colleagues my presence and my discussion of my diagnosis is making the way autistic people are treated and experience the world real for them in a way that is unsettling them.  It makes me feel weird and sad and also like "this is the only way things will change for the better for all of us."  I don't regret anything I have said or done, but this is usually where other people start to let me down and become mean.

She did ask my opinion about something on Friday.  I feel like my answer to her is not going to make sense to her and that makes me feel bad too.  I am realizing I need other autistic adults to talk to, not just online, that I can talk about things with.  There is a group that meets in my city a few times a month.  I signed up for their next meeting which will occur the first week of April.  I tend to back out of following through but hope I will have the energy to go as I will be off work that week.

This entry was longer than I meant to write.

[rainydiary]

Feeling a lot of grief right now and I'm not sure why.  Trying to articulate some ideas but can't find the words or the audience to help me make sense.

[Larry]

 

[Armee]

I can imagine how very helpful it would be to join an in-person autism support group. That sounds like a fantastic next step. As  you often wish me, I hope you are able to find spaces of ease this week.