Recently my autocorrect made journal to journey and I like that for this year.
Today was a chill day - a special breakfast, a hike in a new place, and rest. I also connected with other speech therapists online about how they approach supporting themselves in our work. One person shared their experiences with requesting accommodations from their school district. It was helpful although I am afraid of taking that step for myself.
Something regarding work has been becoming clearer and I will try to put to words what I am noticing.
School and relationships growing up were not easy but work has always been where my differences are most notable and where I experience the most difficulty.
I have not had a single job in my life (including babysitting and lifeguarding as a teen) where I didn't experience some sort of "what's her deal?" and covert shaming by others. That leads me to today where my brain and body are convinced I cannot be a worker and that I will always be a target. This isn't entirely misguided - there is a lot of evidence for it. There is also evidence against it - I have obtained a number of jobs and voluntarily (even if some of that volunteering was after a lot of bullying) left.
I hope some of this year is me radically changing my relationship to work. Now that I understand I am autistic and live with CPTSD, I believe I can figure out how to better support myself.
I truly truly hope that knowing that you are autistic and possibly being able to disclose this at work will help people work with you in a better way and that you will be able to identify and recieve accommodations that will assist in being able to stay in the workforce with less damage to yourself. You are good at your work.
rainy, i think your realizations about yourself will become strengths in guarding and protecting yourself. love and hugs filled w/ personal power. :hug:
Quote from: rainydiary on January 02, 2023, 04:34:06 AM
I hope some of this year is me radically changing my relationship to work. Now that I understand I am autistic and live with CPTSD, I believe I can figure out how to better support myself.
This sounds positive, Rainy. I'm sure that recognising this will make it easier to find the support you need. :hug:
I am for you. :hug:
I appreciate all of you - I am a bit overwhelmed right now and not able to respond individually.
.........
I made it through the first day back. Tomorrow will most likely be more challenging.
I am overwhelmed because I'm hurt and also indifferent and also other things I don't have words for.
Today is my wedding anniversary. I've been married for 12 years.
My husband didn't remember that it is our anniversary until his parents texted us to say something about the anniversary.
First of all, receiving texts from my in-laws is weird. They never text me and of all the things they choose to commemorate..... The other weird part is they both individually texted. A group text would have been fine. I hated receiving these texts today. I suppose I should count myself lucky they don't text me more often.
I am hurt that my husband doesn't ever remember our anniversary or my birthday. I don't need gifts and also I have over time learned to not have expectations for celebrations of anything. If I want to celebrate, I do it myself. In general I don't have a celebratory side because growing up there wasn't much to celebrate and I would say my husband had it to the extreme. His family is disgusting around holidays. But it still hurts that we haven't found a compromise and that he doesn't mark milestones.
In my ways my husband has been someone that has given me space to be myself and be on the journey I'm on. But it often feels like it is out of indifference or avoidance. He has shifted some over the years based on me sharing my experiences and yet still is who he is.
Being married is really hard. I don't fool myself that another relationship would be easy. I am not sure I should have gotten married. I got married without understanding myself very well and married into a whole mess.
I don't have any strong or clear feelings about how to move forward. I think time and continuing to say what I need.
rainy, i'm very sorry in my heart that your H doesn't acknowledge such important anniversaries. i actually feel angry w/ him because of it. they may seem to be small things to some, but to me, at least, that kind of remembrance is very important. it's like an acknowledgment of being seen, being known. ugh. love and hugs, and happy anniversary. :hug:
:hug:
That's hurtful Rainy. I'd feel the same way, both about the fact your H refuses to remember or mark your anniversary and birthday and about the text.
I am so incredibly sorry, Rainy.
I am not the greatest fan of birthdays, holidays etc. because I don't like to be the centre of attention and I never know how to react (somehow I find it almost painful to be receiving presents because part of me feels like I don't deserve them) but the only thing that is worse is to be completely forgotten.
I remember one birthday that I spent completely alone and not a single person congratulated me or sent any wishes except for my parents living a thousand miles away in a different country. I felt so incredibly lonely that day and it triggered one of the worst flashbacks and suicidal episodes I ever had because it made me feel so terribly worthless, as if nobody cared and my presence was completely useless.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I understand how hurtful it can be if people don't remember your birthday or anniversary etc. but of course I'm not married so I can only imagine how terrible it must be if your own partner refuses to remember important things like this.
You deserve to be loved and cherished and you deserve to celebrate days like these with your significant other. So, I totally understand that it hurts your feelings when he forgets. But (for me) the worst part is that he seems to be showing no regret or remorse whatsoever. From what you have written, he doesn't seem to acknowledge that he has hurt your feelings and he is not trying to make amends, which makes me feel very angry at him.
Even if you say birthdays and anniversaries are not a big deal to you, I still think that you deserve to be treated better.
Being married for such a long time is a big achievement and you have probably had to deal with a lot of highs and lows, so I feel like celebrating your anniversary together would be such a wonderful time to reflect on that and acknowledge what you do for each other and it's sad that you don't get to do that.
So, if you feel ready, maybe you can try and tell him how this made you feel and you could try to make him aware of what it is you need. I can only imagine how hard it must be to have a conversation like this, but I'm afraid I can't think of any other advice right now.
If you want and it feels right, I'll join you in celebrating you and your anniversary, though :cheer:
Thank you all - I appreciate the support and care.
.........
This day is already so overwhelming.
I did not sleep well and had odd dreams.
Anxiety woke me up.
I do not want to work today.
I am in my car waiting for a meeting.
Wednesdays are rough because the schedule is different every week and it never works very well.
I am anxious that I have messed up at my main school. I am anxious trying to meet deadlines with unclear expectations.
Some of this anxiety is expected as I always struggle with the transition between break and work.
I hope things go smoother today than my brain thinks it will.
hoping for that along with you, rainy. love and hugs :hug:
Hoping it's as smooth as possible for you! Gentle hugs
San and CF, thank you.
...........
Wednesday went relatively ok. I did share my diagnosis with my fellow speech therapists. I felt vulnerable after doing that as I think it shocked some people. My workday went ok.
Today was relatively ok. And now I am all worried about tomorrow. I have several situations I don't really know how to navigate that are taking up too much energy.
I hope I will sleep ok tonight. My sleep hasn't been great this week.
Really struggling this morning.
I did not sleep very well and am so unsettled about the day ahead.
I do not feel competent when I go to work at this school. There are specific things stressing me that I don't know how to resolve.
:grouphug:
joins :grouphug:
Rainy, I feel for you that work continues to be so stressful.
I have had birthdays that were forgotten or ignored also. It hurts.
I can relate to H giving space, but feel that the space is really for him and his lack of attachment.
Quote from: rainydiary on January 04, 2023, 03:54:31 AM
Being married is really hard. I don't fool myself that another relationship would be easy. I am not sure I should have gotten married. I got married without understanding myself very well and married into a whole mess.
I think even healthy people go into marriage somewhat blindly. Please be kind to yourself about your decisions around marriage. I say that to myself too as I find myself questioning my decisions and "Why didn't I pay attention to. . .?" I have to keep telling myself to be kind.
Armee and CF, I appreciate the hugs and care.
......
Not Alone, I appreciate the reminder of self-kindness. I made the best decision I could at the time.
.........
I made it through the day and it went mostly better than I thought. I had some weird interactions that I'm not sure what to make of (like not sure if I made someone cry), but I can't go backwards.
I have a lot of feelings today. The transition back to work this week was so difficult and I am always processing.
Recently I had the thought that I haven't been having as many memories from growing up and wondered about that. And then today and possibly some other days this week I've had flashes and deep sadness for things I experienced.
Yesterday at a meeting I spoke a lot about autism and shared information I felt was important to the moment. I still feel vulnerable for doing so and I hope what I said was helpful in some way.
Yesterday I also received an email from a colleague at the school I worked at in the spring. She had a question about a student I evaluated. I felt really unsettled by her question and why she was asking about this student and that she copied our boss. It feels like that school will not let me go even though they drove me away with their poor treatment. It is also possible I didn't handle the situation exactly right, but I still don't understand why they are digging through everything with such a fine tooth comb.
I am feeling a general sense of anger toward other people right now. It is so complicated to feel the need for understanding yet not being able to offer it to others.
And now I am back to a general sense of sadness.
i'm with you, rainy, as you continue to feel the whiplash from your former place of work. i believe any info you give others about autism is a good thing. it's something people need to know more about, especially when working w/ such a population. you have more understanding about this area than the general population. and it sounds good to me that you're feeling anger towards others. get that crapola out of you. people can be so very frustrating! love and hugs :hug:
Thank you San. :hug:
.........
Trying to not feel too worried for the week. Tomorrow will be stressful and I hope it goes as smooth as it can.
Something that is really eating at me is described in this article: https://kids.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/frym.2021.554875 (https://kids.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/frym.2021.554875)
The Double Empathy Problem is what I am struggling with. Realizing the frequency with which I've been responded to harshly because I process differently than others.
rainy, i looked up the link, can totally relate. i think this 'double empathy' may be part of the feeling of not fitting in, which i've felt for much of my life. difficulty w/ small talk was a biggie for me. people seeing me do something that doesn't make sense for them, altho, in my mind it was absolutely the correct thing for me to do. focusing so hard on one task that others don't come to mind. stuff like that. definitely processing on a different level than others.
thanks for sharing this. it helped me make sense of a lot of my interactions not only w/ others, but theirs w/ me. whew - a lot to take in. sending love and a hug filled w/ clarity and acceptance :hug: i'm giving one to myself as well. :hug:
San, I am grateful the Double Empathy Problem offered some helpful information. :hug:
.........
Today was hard and I also feel lighter inside this evening than I was expecting.
I think it is because of student successes today. I still feel like garbage in most interactions I have with other adults. I did have a few positive interactions with colleagues today but mostly a lot of muck today.
Today my success with students was three kids feeling really safe in my presence to be their full selves which included some of the following quotes:
"I don't like (name)." - I appreciate the student telling me they don't like the kid I have them grouped with. Not sure I can change that easily, but I appreciate the information. This kid also thinks it is hilarious to leave pieces of a game on the floor for one of the school administrator's to find (which will never happen - if that administrator actually goes in my workspace it is only for meetings I invite him to). But if it makes this kid happy, we can leave pieces around.
"I don't like my hair." I asked a student why he always wears a hat and he said it is because he hates his hair but his mom won't let him cut it (it is very long). My instinct after today is this student is neurodivergent in some way. I wish his mom would honor his wish for short hair.
"I can never talk to anyone about my speech because I'm worried they will laugh at me." - a student I had been convinced would not need my help based on what his teacher told me about him. I don't think he needs my help for long but hopefully I could work with him a bit. Grateful I met with him today.
I'm sure my feeling of lightness will wear off but right now I am grateful that the more I let myself be me it lets kids be themselves. I don't have to convince my colleagues of anything even though I feel pressure from myself to do so.
QuoteI don't have to convince my colleagues of anything
truer words were never spoken. love and hugs, rainy. :hug:
San, :hug:
........
So my day has started off in a way that is really throwing me. Not in a bad way just needing to get some thoughts out.
My day started off "normal" - I woke up much earlier than I care to in order to get my run in before work.
During my run I see my husband out taking a walk which surprised me. But it was nice to see him out.
I'm doing my routine to get ready to leave and he stops me to say he has made an appointment with his doctor to talk about anxiety.
He then shares all of these thoughts and experiences about struggles he is having.
I was thunderstruck.
I am grateful he is finding his way and telling me about it and also trying to face whatever it is he is dealing with.
It makes me feel less alone in our marriage. It makes me feel hopeful that we are finding our way together.
I don't want to be at work today. But here we go.
I think that would throw me as well, Rainy. As you say, he's finding his way, taking action, and sharing that with you. I'm glad you feel less alone as a result :hug:.
Wow! That's huge Rainy. I would be a bit anxious too wondering what will come up but also relieved and hopeful that he is opening up and reflecting.
Thank you Snowdrop and Armee, I might have been too optimistic this morning. :doh:
.........
I felt really off this whole day and am now feeling triggered.
My husband just talked to me about if I would move back to his home state. I really should have seen that coming. It is my worst nightmare.
Part of me really suspects and believes that all his anxiety and related challenges are because he doesn't live in his hometown. That feels like what our breakdown was after his brother died.
I thought that he was moving past that as his relationship to his family on the surface has changed from my perspective.
However I may be kidding myself.
I do really think it is good he is taking more ownership and facing what he is avoiding. The reality is it may mean a parting of ways. He says that isn't what he wants but I don't know if I believe him.
I cannot function under any circumstances living near his family. If he wants to be there it will have to be without me.
Yikes.
Oh Rainy. I am so sorry. I am very glad you know so strongly that moving there is not an option for you. I'm sorry it may come down to possibly having to part ways. :grouphug:
Armed, I appreciate your support.
..........
I'm not sure if I am still in my EF. I feel a bit more grounded this morning. I had very bizarre dreams last night.
As I was trying to process last night, I realized that my husband are in a familiar situation. We've been in a situation similar to this when we moved and it was terrible. It ended with us being in his hometown.
This time I hope the story can go differently. I am making mistakes. We can never truly know the internal experience of another person and can only go off what we observe or are told. It is still filtered through our own experience.
Last night I tried to express my boundary with living in his home state. He expressed that he is incredibly anxious about money. He said that he suggested this move back to his home state because the cost of living is low there. I call BS - there are other states with lower cost of living that we could go to if that is the full reason.
Before his brother died, money was a preoccupation for him too. It made me wonder if he and his brother (as they are the oldest) ever experienced hunger or neglect because of finances. They absolutely experienced emotional and psychological neglect and abuse. Because that is still going on. I don't doubt that preoccupation about money is a trauma response for him.
I know that his mom continues to push him to move home. It is so cruel of her. She claims she wants him to be his own person but it has to be on her terms. I seem to remember being told they were going to visit us this month. Not sure if that is still happening and if it is, it will be scary given my husband's current state. To me it has always felt like she wanted to destroy our marriage and she may just get her wish.
My husband is in a difficult spot. But I am past trying to do this work for him. I am stronger now and will do my best to be a partner as long as he is willing to keep growing with me. If that isn't what he wants, then I hope he ends up where he needs to be. I used to see it as my job to save him from his family and make him see he deserved better. I don't anymore after a lot of pain and hurt and realizing I can't change someone like that.
This is a lot to go through in addition to trying to hold on at work. I did make a new friend yesterday. I hope that I can make a friendship with this person work.
rainy, yikes, indeed! your strength is showing thru your words, and it is mighty.
hold on at work, ok? so glad you may have made a new friend there. that could really help the entire situation. love and hugs :hug:
I appreciate your support San.
.........
Today was an incredibly lonely day.
Even interactions with students did not bring me the joy it usually does.
I feel like I need a big huge cry and it won't come.
Hoping to take it easy this evening.
:hug: :hug: rainy. I hope you do indeed manage at least some time of taking it easy this evening. Thinking of you.
I used to be able to trigger my own crying in grief if it was very near the surface as yours maybe is? Like read something else that's genuinely sad. Even a book I know more or less cover to cover where the protagonist's pet dies or something - it would be enough to set me off and then my crying would be about me, not the book. Idk whether that could work for you. If not beneficial, ignore.
Hugs, Rainy :hug:
Blueberry, I appreciate that suggestion. I was able to cry a bit last night but not a big, teary, wailing cry I am hoping for. I think the challenge is I don't feel like I have sufficient privacy in my apartment. I hope to carve out some space where I can feel truly in solitude.
.....
Snowdrop, I appreciate the care.
.........
I am feeling worn down right now and worried I am getting sick. Several kids with runny noses today and I was near someone in a meeting earlier this week whose nose was running. :fallingbricks:
I am not sure what to say right now as I am feeling some frustration and anger toward my husband right. I can't exactly articulate why other than I feel myself wanting to caretake him and it is making me mad. Maybe I'm also mad at myself.
Although yesterday was lonely, I did something I realized could be helpful in the future. I have been dreading calling a parent to have a conversation with them about their student. I have a good relationship with the student's teacher, so I asked her if we could call the parent together. She said yes, so we have a plan to do that tomorrow.
I also offered to do a presentation for my colleagues based on a course I am taking about AAC (augmentative and alternative communication). My boss asked if I would be ready for our February meeting and I said yes. But as I've been taking the course, I realized it is a lot longer than I was expecting, so I decided to ask her if I could let her know next week if I won't be ready. She said yes and that I can present later.
Finding these small ways to advocate for myself is feeling helpful.
Yesterday I posted on Facebook that it had felt like a lonely day. Someone I used to work with like 8 years ago sent me a private message to say she is worried about me and to ask if she could help. I suppose it was nice of her, but it also made me mad because I don't need help for the reasons I believe she is assuming. She also wasn't that nice to me when I did work with her so it is weird to have her reach out in this way.
I really hope I am not sick............
i hope you're not sick either, rainy. i know there is so much crapola going around, it can be difficult to stay well in a school setting.
glad to hear you got support about your presentation. sounds interesting, actually. i'm all about how people are and what can be done to help them get to where they want to be.
sending love and a hug filled w/ healthy energy for you. :hug:
Thank you, San. Still ok but also don't feel exactly 100%. Hopefully a long weekend will help.
.........
I am feeling low about myself before bed tonight.
I lost my cool at work today at the very start of the work day. Someone shared information with me and it set me off because she would not listen to me. She is a nosy, busybody. She probably felt like I wasn't listening to her too.
That really made my whole day feel off. My inner critic is really loud right now and has been all day. There were a lot of other interactions that I would rather not have had today too.
I did try to share my concerns with others. I am learning which will gaslight me, which will assume their experience is transferable to mine, and those that will try to help in a way I find supportive.
I still don't feel great at home. I feel foolish and ashamed for my choices. I am questioning why I chose to stay in a relationship that was challenging from the start and what it says about me.
I hope sleep will help.
Hi Rainy,
I hope that you are able to get a restful sleep and that it helps you, because I see you've got a lot going on at work and also at home - and I wanted to send you a supportive hug :hug: and hope that the weekend will bring some chance to recuperate from everything in the week.
Hope :)
:grouphug:
:grouphug:
I appreciate the care Hope, Not Alone and CF. :grouphug:
..........
Today has been a good day overall.
I have moments of feeling more confident in my voice and then today I had the thought, "Who am I to speak about this?"
Today I reached out with a question to a FB group I am in. People shared helpful responses but I also remember why I tend to be careful what I post to strangers in such a public forum - they make assumptions and I feel bad for what I said and wish I hadn't asked. Nothing was too out of line, I just feel vulnerable and critiqued and that feels a bit triggering.
I am getting to a place where I'm not sure I want to keep running as much. I live closer to the ocean and would love to try kayaking. There is a course that starts up after my half marathon. We'll see if I take the chance. The tricky part is the equipment required - if I genuinely can rent the equipment to try out before investing in it, then perhaps I will do it. If not, I may need to wait.
I am still feeling low and tough on myself however this is a long weekend so hopefully tomorrow I can relax some.
Today felt like a good day. My husband and I went for a hike in a place new to us and it was nice to get out.
I started reading a book called Unmasking Autism by Devon Price. At the end of the introduction is the following prompt which I am going to work on at some point....but it is also very difficult so I think it will take a while. After completing the prompt, there are more questions which I think are supposed to help one identify their values but right now I am stuck on this part.
The prompt:
Think of five moments in your life when you felt like you were FULLY ALIVE. Try to find moments from throughout your life (childhood, adolescence, adulthood; school, work, vacation, hobbies). Some of the moments may leave you with a sense of awe and wonder. Some moments might leave you feeling deeply recharged and ready to face the next challenge, or satisfied and fulfilled. Write down each of these moments. Tell the story of each moment in as much detail as possible. Try to think specifically about why the moment struck you with so dramatically.
That's a scary prompt, rainy! I think it could be a good thing to write out but also very challenging. I can understand why you're stuck on it.
That book looks interesting.
Bach, it is scary. I can come up with 2 but 5........it feels like I am stretching. I haven't taken the step to describe them yet. I think it might be ok to not have 5 - no one will know.
So far the book has been helpful to read. I do find specific language from the psychology field difficult and I get triggered by it. But I am trying to take in the meaning overall.
.........
I am so exhausted right now. Woke up way to early and couldn't get back to sleep. Acknowledged to myself that I no longer want to train for the half marathon I signed up for. The training is not feeling good, I am not having fun, and my body is simply saying "just stop." So I decided today I am not going to push myself on that. I would like to explore other ways to move my body that don't involve running. Plus I have some blisters that would have kept me from running this week anyhow.
Back to work today and it was relatively fine but it is still deeply draining. I am going to try to rework my schedule at my main school to see if I can feel less overwhelmed. It seems like even the "slow" days are still so hard.
At home right now and feeling lonely. My husband is so silent at times and I find it hurtful at times that I want connection with him. I wouldn't say that it's new, but I experience it differently now than I did in the past. Silence from him is also triggering. While I think we have come a long way, times like these where he has expressed emotional turmoil have often accompanied deeply distressing times in our relationship. I am hoping this time will follow a different path but I am still so worried. I think I am also still trying to do work that he needs to do for himself because I am afraid.
I hope to feel better as the week goes.
i hope you feel better, too, rainy.
i've known that 'alone' feeling while living w/ someone. it's very sad to me and i wish you didn't have to go thru it.
and, congrats on listening to your body! :applause: way to self care. kayaking sounds fun - i hope it's something you can eventually enjoy. keep taking care of you, ok? love and hugs :hug:
Gentle hugs, rainy. just sitting with you for whatever you need. :hug:
Oh Rainy, I feel for you. :hug:
Well done for listening to yourself over the training.
The prompt you mention sounds hard. I wonder if it might be something that those of us with cptsd might find hard in general. I'm sure 2 is fine. I wonder if the important thing is the thought you've put into it, and more might surface in time. :hug:
San, thank you. I will reflect on this more but I think I want to explore ways of existing and using my body that I haven't explored.
.....
CF, I appreciate the care, it is appreciated.
.....
Snowdrop, I appreciate support. I think 2 memories is ok and maybe more will come.
.........
I am feeling emotional as I get ready for bed. This is a weird day historically.
Today is my paternal grandmother's birthday. She is my only living grandparent. She is also mean and I have never really liked her as she has always made comments about my appearance. She and my dad also have a very difficult relationship and it's no wonder he was such a terror after being raised by her. I sent her a message for her birthday but it feels pointless.
On this day 9 years ago I was driving and crashed the car with me, my husband and our cat on a highway. This was during an especially difficult period in our ever difficult relationship. I am still both grateful and sickened that the damage was to our car. I didn't hit any other cars or people and I am grateful for that. It was still incredibly traumatic and I still feel sick about it from time to time. I had to go to court too and pay a fine a few months after that happened which was also traumatic.
This is also the first year in a while where my husband and I didn't spend this long weekend in our favorite town in our old state. I miss that place - I felt alive when I was there. I'm not sorry to have moved states but I miss that place.
Generally I am ok. Glad to be done running and wondering why I do it. I want to try other activities and feel more connected to myself.
I found a writer who speaks a lot about marriage and inequity in household management. It is giving me insight about how long I've put up with things that were hurting me. I feel so ashamed and ridiculous. I won't say my husband is all bad because he isn't. He is also an intelligent person that has proven time and time again to be able to build relationships at work and who people like. And yet at home? Much left to be desired.
I still don't feel strongly that I need out. Because when I am more direct about how he is acting he has made changes. Is it enough? I don't know. I need to develop more connections outside of my marriage. I think I am slowly getting there. I think he also needs to do that too but I can't be in charge of that.
I keep wondering if I made a mistake. Why I felt so sure deep down that this was worth it. I trusted my gut with him and now maybe what I'm feeling is distrust in myself. I didn't care about myself or know that relationships weren't supposed to hurt so much.
Things are shifting generally in my life and I hope I am growing.
I believe you are definitely growing. :grouphug:
I appreciate your support Armee.
.........
Today has been weird and I am unsettled.
I had a medical appointment scheduled for the afternoon and I decided I would take a half day at work.
Well what I didn't know is that the system for entering absences at work has a cut off for the day. I do not understand this as people could get sick during the day and need to go home....then what? I emailed people to let them know I'd be out and I guess I don't care if they end up not entering my sick time because then I'd have that for later. I think it is a terrible system though. I'm sure there is a very specific reason this is the case.
I went to my appointment which was to remove a cyst on my back. My doctor had given me the impression this was optional and wouldn't be a big deal. My intuition was to get it removed.
The appointment began with the front desk asking me to fill out two forms. One asked if I have a disability and there was a list. Technically I think autism fit into one of the categories they had but because I didn't understand why I was being asked (I was told these were state mandated questions) I said "None." I felt a lot of shame for that but also don't want to disclose information without knowing how this is being used.
The other question was about my gender identity. Again, I don't understand why I was being asked.
Then I get my vitals taken by the medical assistant and felt a lot of shame that I've gained weight since November when I last saw the doctor.
Finally my doctor comes to start the procedure. She is really struggling and then says she might have to refer me to a dermatologist because the cyst didn't seem to be what she thought. My thinking went a bit wild because I couldn't handle the thought of having to schedule another appointment and still having that thing on my back.
She asks if I am ok with a larger incision and I said yes. She went to get a colleague to help her problem solve. It was unnerving when the other doctor came in and said "interesting" in response. It felt like they didn't know what they were dealing with.
My doctor finally removed it by cutting it off and will send the tissue to the lab to make sure it isn't something concerning.
I'm not particularly worried as their updated working theory is that it is a collection of fat cells. But I felt validated for persisting in having it removed just in case it is something concerning.
But now I have this incision with stitches in my back and I have to restrict my movement a bit while it heals. I also have a blister on my foot that makes even walking uncomfortable. And meanwhile I am struggling to find a new fitness routine that feels more body positive and affirming to me.
That whole experience was just too much. And not how I wanted to start my weekend.
sitting with you, rainy, warm blanket and hot beverage. so much going on, so many changes. hopefully we can relax a bit, just enjoy ourselves for a little while so things can settle. just breathe. love and hugs :hug:
Medical stuff is so stressful and draining even when it isn't about anything serious or scary! Thinking of you with warm thoughts and the hope that you have settled and found some comfort :hug:
Going through the medical procedure and the responses of medical staff does sound like "too much." I hope you are able to rest physically and emotionally this weekend.
Thank you San, Bach, and Not Alone for the care. My back has been sore and it keeps making me think "the body keeps the score." I'll be ok but that set a weird tone I haven't quite moved past.
..........
I decided to write because I need to vent a frustration.
I am in bed, reading, and noticed a colleague sent a work text not long ago. That crosses a line as her message is not an emergency. I am deeply annoyed by her message and will respond on Monday.
Today my husband and I met with a realtor. I have my questions about our relationship and I also see us making growth.
He helped me care for my back today because I can't reach the incision site. He has also been helping me more around the house and I've been releasing my need to control so much.
I hope tomorrow is a gentle day. I am feeling uneasy about work and considering if I need to find a new job. I might wait until we actually buy a home so I know where to focus my search. Either way I do want to request different schools next school year.
For now hoping I can ease into sleep.
The procedure and the staff responses sound unnerving and stressful. I hope you have a good sleep and your back's less sore when you wake up. Sending you a very gentle hug. :hug:
That's a lot going on rainy, a whole lot of stress. I hope you managed to sleep. :hug:
Snowdrop, I appreciate the care and hug. :hug:
.....
BB, I appreciate your support. :hug:
...........
Today has been a well rounded day however as I prepare for bed I am really dreading the prospect of work.
I made a list of things I hope to try out in the long term: Pilates, stand up paddle boarding, kayaking, taking a personal interest course at the community college (there is one about Celtic Folklore I am really interested in), and to develop a swimming routine.
I am realizing how much of my leisure time is related to being physically active. I do like to move my body yet I would also like to engage a different part of myself.
Right now with work and unpredictability with my work schedule some weeks as well as preparing to buy a house, I don't want to commit too much outside of my routines right now. I don't want to make decisions like that long term but right now it is what I can handle in order to get through.
I am tempted to seek a new job however also want to see where we end up buying a house.
Starting off the day with a sore heart when I consider relationships with other people.
I'm thinking of one person I talk to a lot at work and am noticing how one sided our communication is. She is a person that a lot of people confide in and she loves to give advice and be in the know. And yet, she does not share of herself. I am feeling frustrated by her and with myself because this is a kind of person I tend to be "close" to and it sucks. My intention is offer her less because she simply doesn't see me as someone to confide in and it feels gross.
I'm also frustrated my colleagues at my main school this morning. No matter how many times I ask or communicate boundaries, they blow through them. For me this is a sign that at the very least I cannot return to this school.
I am generally reflecting on how I don't feel like I belong. I think this is a side effect of not recognizing CPTSD and autism in myself for so long. I haven't been being myself.
So, hoping for the best today. I am tired as my cat was really active for some reason last night and I don't ever sleep as well on work nights.
I am sorry your day has been hard. Here for you if you need to vent to someone without judgement.
I appreciate the care, Bermuda.
.........
Well this evening is off to a rough day.
Had a huge meltdown when I got home.
My husband says I am yelling at him when really I am speaking loudly....and also I can be mad.
I am having a lot of trouble with his avoidance. I am also having a lot of trouble communicating directly with him.
I am just overwhelmed by life and wish I had so many different things. It is so painful to have not understood yourself so long.
It is really hard and you deserve grace from your husband as you navigate this. I think you are doing really well. The news you received just a couple short weeks ago can be life altering in ways.
Yes, you have the right to be mad and to express that. :hug:
Thank you Armee. I appreciate the reminder that I am still "young" in my understanding of myself and it is a lot to process.
.....
Thank you Not Alone. My feelings got too big yesterday.
..........
I feeling odd today - my stomach doesn't feel quite right and I am really tired. I am potentially ill yet it could also be stress.
This morning I listed to the following podcast episode and it really gave me space for my feelings:
[url]https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/you-are-good/id1527948382?i=1000595331336[\url]
The guest on this show really put into words things I haven't been able to express and also it was another person saying things I have felt and thought so it made me feel less alone.
The thing I felt the most is when they said something like "From one stardust to another stardust, what gets you up in the morning?" This for me and I think this person expressed how deep of a connection we seek with others and struggle to find.
After I was so upset last night, I reflected on how my husband is responding. He heard me and I notice adjustments. I also wonder if he has established some sort of boundary with his family because things have really shifted as far as I can tell.
I am still seeking ways to support myself better and it isn't going so well. Yet. It seems like things are moving in the right direction.
I am currently at work waiting for a meeting. I considered going home to attend it but it would have taken me too long in transition. So I wait and dread the meeting - we don't have school tomorrow and I worry this meeting is going to be unhinged. I lost my cool earlier this week at home following a similar type of meeting.
I am exhausted today. I have not slept well this week. I still can't tell if I feel I unwell due to stress or illness. I heard something helpful today on podcast which was a reminder that our brain tends to hold onto a lot of information that we aren't conscious of and that that information doesn't have context.
A positive is that I received a test result that the cyst on my back was not concerning. I received the result directly from the pathologist and had trouble deciphering what it means. A work friend luckily framed it for me that they wouldn't have sent me that message if there was a concern - someone would have called me.
My husband and I found a house we may move toward the buying process for. I think that is a lot of why I had trouble sleeping - jumping ahead too far in my mind. Buying a house is so stressful.
He and I are finding better ways to communicate. I hope this continues.
I still need something I can't quite define. Time by myself without demands I actually think.
My work day ended roughly yesterday.
The meeting I was in didn't go as planned. The parent did not come which should have meant that it could have moved quicker than usual.
It did not start on time which is usual for that school but a struggle for me. I had to call in from my other school so I was the only one on a video call.
During my turn, one of the other people cut me off and moved on. I was mostly done especially since the report I gave was landing awkwardly. This left me feeling like my voice didn't matter.
Then the team started discussing goals for this student. I could barely hear but felt very out of the loop. I couldn't tell if they were waiting for me to speak. I finally said my goal and no one cared. So I decided to leave the meeting. I literally just hung up.
It seemed like the meeting was ending anyhow. I feel bad about how I felt during that meeting and that I left abruptly even though I doubt they noticed.
I hear you. :hug:
Glad to hear that there is no concern about your cyst. Really good news.
The possibility of buying a house is really big.
Feeling like your voice doesn't matter is an awful feeling. I hear you.
Thank you Blueberry. I appreciate you hearing me and seeing me. :hug:
.....
Not Alone, thank you - this is a big topic for me and so much to unpack.
.........
This weekend so far has been overall good.
Not going to work makes such a huge difference. I hope to find a way where I can step back more from that at some point.
I am not sure exactly how to write about what is on my mind.
I feel a general anger toward most other people.
I think I noticing a lack of trust in others. Which also includes a lack of trust in myself. Or trust that I'll just be all the things I fear - "a screw up, bad, ugly, weird, awkward" and that I don't belong anywhere.
There is a lot more for me to uncover regarding trust. And about whatever it is I am feeling and experiencing right now.
Hi Rainydiary,
Trust is such a massive thing - such a big area with so many connotations springing from it. When you've spoken about your children you work with, you often mention their appreciation of your work, and I feel sure they will be trusting of you in that environment. You engender their trust. I think that is likely from how you've spoken about your work. You genuinely care. That comes across. If you didn't care, then you'd not be affected so much by how things are amongst your colleagues and the working environment.
I feel like I'm over talking - apologies.
I'm losing my track of thought now, but anyway, I wanted to send you a hug :hug:
Hope :)
Trust, whether of self or others, is a very important thing. We're here for you, Rainy. I feel that's something you can trust in, but that's your choice of course. Holding open a comfy blankie and warm beverage for you. :hug:
Hope, I appreciate the words you shared - it was not too much. I appreciate the perspective as it helps me see trust is present even if I find it difficult in others.
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CF, I appreciate the care and support. I do have trust here.
........
I'm not sure what to say today. I am grumpy and unsettled.
I just got back from the doctor. I did not understand that today would be a suture removal for my back. My doctor told me the sutures were dissolvable and I thought they would go on their own. I didn't see her today and it was a male physician. If I had understood that this was the plan I would have been more resistant to seeing him because I am not comfortable with male physicians. It's over now but the situation has left me feeling uneasy.
I asked my supervisor if we could talk about a different school assignment when it is time to do so. She said she is already thinking about it. I'm definitely sure I don't want to continue at my main school and I'm not sure I want to go back to my second school either. I think that would be surprising to my colleague there.
Working with her is ok - she does the heavy lifting in the building and handles everything so it is easier on me. But most teachers think I am her assistant and I feel like I hold back a lot because she is there full time. I don't agree with a lot of things she does and I feel like she mothers me because she a very controlling person.
I'm not sure what would be best moving forward. To try different situations until one fits a bit better than the rest. I am not sure if I want to change jobs - perhaps in the long run if I can find something closer to where I live.
I am still processing a lot and continuing to feel a lot of grief over many things.
This day ended with disregulation and upset.
I am struggling to navigate socially at work.
There is a visual going around on social media that has a picture of two people.
One person is wearing a shirt that says NT (for neurotypical) and the other is wearing a shirt that says Autistic.
The NT person has two speech bubbles.
The first one says "So when you don't understand me, it's because you have poor understanding."
The other speech bubble says "And when I don't understand you, it's because your communication style is weird and confusing."
This is what I am feeling at work. No matter what, I am wrong. There is a mismatch and I struggle in unseen ways. I am regularly misunderstood. It sucks.
it surely does suck, rainy. wish it would be smoother for you. the whole communication bit, when there is misunderstanding or an inability to understand is more than frustrating. with you all the way on this. love and hugs :hug:
I hate that that picture is going round on SM. To me it sounds like blaming and shaming. I'm sorry it reminds you of your work situation and that that's what you are exposed to at work. :hug: :hug:
I used to struggle socially at work and am pretty sure I would again if I went back to any workplace. More :hug: :hug: for you.
Thank you San - I am still making my way through the Unmasking Autism book and it is offering some ideas on how I can move toward being me. I am still tired though.
.....
Thank you BB - I realized I might have been unclear. The visual I wrote about was created by an autistic person to represent experiences they were having that were absolutely what you describe. It helps me to know that I am not the only one that experiences this - it still isn't ok but I'm not alone. I hope one day I can find a way to work without all this difficulty. I'm not sure that's possible but it is a hope.
.........
I'm having trouble settling down into sleep.
Today was ok but I also realize how much does happen that I push down in the moment and process later.
I reached out to a colleague I worked with in the spring - she went to a nearby school district and I asked her about her experience there. She said it's been positive. That doesn't mean it would be for me but I am encouraged that she is having a good experience. I might explore a job there and am glad I reached out to her. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, but this time leaving would be on my terms and for reasons I am aware of and choosing if that is what I do.
I am still trying to navigate whatever is going on with my husband. I think he is just going through his own coming to terms with whatever he has been pushing down for years. But it's really hard - I feel compelled to both try to control and to fawn because his past management of his issues has been so traumatic for both of us. This time does seem different. But it is still hard and exhausting and scary.
Tomorrow I am going to try Pilates. Annoyed because they require socks with grip for the machines in the class - I ordered some but they won't arrive until tomorrow after the class. They have some for purchase at the Pilates place...but that was what I was trying to avoid. Nothing I can do about it now. Hoping that the workout may be something I can get into.
I finally slept last night only to suddenly wake at 3:30 am. I'm not sure what is going on with the insomnia. It could be hormones, stress, changes in my routine, my brain's need to process, or a combination of all. I also think reading nonfiction before bed never works very well for me.
I was in a dark place for a number of hours at the start of the day. I am still sorting out so much and I think I am also impatient for changes I am slowly making to have a greater impact.
Today was a full day. I enjoyed Pilates a lot and plan to go back. My husband and I viewed 3 houses. None of them really worked for us. I challenged myself to ask him more questions rather than assume his internal experience. It is difficult though.
I am exhausted right now and hope that I will fall and stay asleep tonight.
My husband and I toured 3 houses. None of them really worked for us.
that sleeping (or non-sleeping) stuff can be a puzzler. i hope you got better rest last nite, rainy. also glad you liked pilates. well done for going for something different to satisfy your physical exercise requirements. love and hugs :hug:
San, yes it can. I would also say my sleep is impacted by how dark it is where I live. The sunrise is much later than I am used to and is taking a toll. I hope this all evens out.
.........
I am weary at the thought of work tomorrow. I just simply don't want to go. 19 weeks until the end of this school year.
I am contemplating finding a new job. I would like to leave one job in a "normal" way. All of my resignations have been flaming balls of fire that most likely burned bridges.
I have understanding now of why and what led me to those places. I mostly want a fresh start in a new district now knowing I am autistic. But, I am sort of waiting until our house buying is more resolved so that I know where we will live and I can try to get a job closer to our home.
My one year anniversary of living in this state is coming up. So much has changed and the dust isn't settled yet.
At work and wishing I could leave. I have a meeting after the school day ends that I need to stay for.
Nothing in particular has been wrong today, I am just very tired.
I was reflecting on the prompt I mentioned previously that I got from the Unmasking Autism book about times I felt truly alive.
The first memory that came to mind was when I was a young child. I must have either been preschool or Kindergarten age. I might even have been younger. I would sit in the closet in my room and listen to tapes that read a story which I followed along in a book. They were Disney stories. What felt cozy to me was being in the closet away from others and listening over and over to the stories.
I don't think me doing that was ever shamed by my family surprisingly. They were probably glad I was occupied and out of their hair. I was thinking about this memory because it was a time I felt truly content and I have a closet in my apartment that I really want to lay inside of.
Hopefully I'll be able to leave to go home in about an hour.
Hi Rainy,
Memories like that are good to think back to - I hope you are able to enjoy laying inside your closet in your apartment after work - maybe you are already doing that. I can't work out how long ago it was that you wrote your journal entry - as it says 10 33 pm and my time scale is different being in a different place geographically - but - maybe you are home now and relaxing.
Wishing you some nice relaxing times :hug:
Hope :)
Rainy,
How wonderful that you got to feel that memory of being happy. I have no problem recreating my own happy times. If the privacy and coziness of sitting in the privacy of your own closet and listening to audiobooks gives you peace and happiness, I think you should do it all you want to.
You said it was something your family never gave you grief over. That might mean there are no EFs attached to it. It was a pure form of solace that no one ruined for you. So I think you ought to keep doing it!
Bringing back the simple joys of my childhood has been a big deal for me as of late. I resonate with three activities that always gave me peace when I was young...so I am reviving them now. I'm 62 years old and I've taken up playing with Legos again. Legos was one of the things that made me very happy when I was a child. I ride a bike around town because it makes me feel happy like it did when I was 14. I build things out of Legos because it made me happy when I was 6-15. I even collect toy cars because my toy cars made me so happy when I was a child. In each of these activities, I was able to exit from the cruelty of the world around me. Each of them was an escape that worked before and now I find they work again. I have no EFs when I do these three things because I have no bad memories attached to any of them.
I say, if it feels good, DO IT! Put a big, fluffy floor pillow in the closet, dial up a fun audiobook, and give yourself the joy that has proven itself to work for you.
Hope your meeting went well and that you're able to relax tonight.
Hey Rainy!
Thanks for sharing that memory! It made me feel warm and safe just thinking about it, and I'm glad that you were able to recall it and hopefully can use it as an anchor in the future.
Have a good week!
Hope, I haven't taken steps to lay in the closet. It is full of stuff and there isn't a carpet in it. But perhaps I could clear it out a bit and find a way to cozy in.
......
Thanks PC - I have been getting into Legos too and realized there is an adult Legos club I could join. I don't have the courage yet but perhaps soon. I appreciate your encouragement.
......
Not Alone, thank you - I think the meeting went well enough. These meetings are taking a toll. I have about 25 more of them to go this school year. I say about because it's possible more will come up. I appreciate the support.
.....
CrackedIce, I appreciate the thought. I think an anchor would be a good way to consider this. It's interesting I like this and generally don't like being in small closed spaces otherwise.
...........
I've been wondering if I should continue to write in a journal here. I haven't been as engaged of late here. And yet I do care about you all and I have learned and gained a lot from being here. I think it's ok if my relationship is changing to the forum.
Today I went to the dentist and that one of my least favorite things. I don't like the hygienist they have set me up with. I like hygienists that don't talk much and this person is not that. She also loves to seek out problems with my teeth and ask leading questions that I don't understand what she is trying to get at. I am sure I could ask for someone else but am not sure I'm there yet.
She said something today that really grinded my gears. She was asking about me living here and where my family is. Then she said something like, "Oh you're here on your own." Her meaning was that I'm not near family.
*sigh*. Yup. That's right. It is so exhausting to talk to people that can't understand why one wouldn't want to be surrounded by family.
Other things are going on that I'm too tired to think about. I haven't been sleeping well and hope that will shift soon.
Gentle hugs, rainy. If your relationship to the forum changes, that's fine and just a part of growth and healing. Just know we're here for you no matter how often you post or not. I've learned a lot and treasured all your posts. Gentle hugs if you want them.
Rainy,
I support your concerns about how much or little to use the forum. The beauty of it is that if you choose to back away for a while, you're not burning any bridges. It's not like quitting a job. You are always able to return to using it more in the future any time you feel so inclined.
I've taken long breaks. They were good for me. Then when I decided it was time to return, my friends were all still here.
And I also like a hygienist who doesn't "interrogate me" while I'm in the chair. A little quiet is a good thing. I also hate it when people try to tell me I should be close to my family. Sometimes I say, "Maybe if I had a family like yours, I'd agree." Sometimes that shuts them up.
Take care. :hug:
CF, I appreciate the support. I had a revelation today that I think helps me understand my feelings a bit more.
.....
PC, I appreciate this and it makes sense. I also like the line about family. I think this lady thought she was making me feel welcome but when she had to keep stopping so I could answer a question especially about my personal life that she then judged, it was just too much. This is only my 2nd time at this dentist and I didn't have the same dentist both times so maybe time I'll see a different hygienist.
.........
Whew, I had a big cry today that I've been needing. It brought relief although I think I am going to struggle to fall asleep tonight.
I was watching an adaptation of Jane Austen's Persuasion on Netflix. That is my favorite Jane Austen story. It has over time helped me get in touch with my feelings and today was no different.
I've been really upset over the job I left in October 2021 and realized today I am still blaming myself the abuse, gaslighting, meanness I experienced. I keep telling myself "if only I'd done this...." Nothing would have helped. I didn't do anything wrong outside of being a human. I think what is eating at me is that it feels like the whole thing didn't happen. I feel deeply humiliated and ashamed still by my experience there.
This weekend my husband and I toured a house that I rather liked. I am thinking of the backyard. I would lay out on the grass and watch the birds. I am attached but also feeling mad at myself for being so because this is such an uncertain process.
There was a lot of activity at the open house and it's very likely even if we submit an offer it won't be chosen. My husband is also frustrating me in this process. Whatever he is going through is coming out in challenging ways and he is already avoidant in how he deals with things. The house isn't perfect but it was the first one we've viewed where I felt comfortable.
Our plan is let our realtor know our offer tomorrow. The sellers are going to review offers tomorrow afternoon. I don't see how we will be accepted as we are planning to offer under their asking price.
I am all discombobulated right now and not sure how I will settle into sleep.
I came home early today from work. I got to a point where my entire being said "get the f@$k out of here."
I was overwhelmed with sadness and grief. I knew I would cry if I stayed.
I argued with myself for a while before finally deciding to go.
On my way home I cried some. I had a big cry when I came home.
I'm not entirely sure what this was all about. Part of it was that our offer on the house was not accepted and I am grieving that. I think I am grieving other things too that I can't really put into words.
Progress I think that I came home instead of forcing myself to stay.
It sounds like the right decision to have come home. I hope the cry is healing at least in part.
Good going rainy that you came home instead of forcing yourself to stay! Good self-care :applause:
I'm sorry your offer on the house wasn't accepted. I want to give you a big hug :bighug:
I appreciate the support Armee.
......
Thank you BB - I found out that a meeting that I was worried about missing and considering forcing myself to stay for wasn't worth my time. I appreciate the hug - things will work out homewise.
..........
I am really activated right now and am trying to fall asleep.
What set me off into a spiral is that I lost an earring today. I didn't notice until I was getting ready for bed. I did so many different things today it's hard to say when I lost it. I am really upset that it is gone. I wear the same earrings every day so a lot of my stress is "what will I wear tomorrow?" I have other earrings but this unexpected change is throwing me off.
I don't even know how to find the words for this, but I have this idea that objects like earrings carry memories. I have some earrings that my dad gave me and some my grandma passed along to me. They are lovely earrings but I hate wearing them because they make me think of them. Losing an earring to me feels like time to let some things go. I don't know if that makes any sense but it is something I think about when I lose earrings (as this happens from time to time).
As I reflect this evening, I think a lot of my upset is an EF I didn't recognize all day. I went to the eye doctor and opted to buy some new glasses from them. The person helping me select glasses informed me that glasses I've been choosing for myself for years don't quite work because of their size and something about the position of my eyes within the lenses (I didn't really understand what she meant). I allowed her to help me select some different glasses but the whole thing left me feeling ridiculous. I am willing to try her way out but I also found it upsetting and gaslighting.
Glasses are a sensitive area for me too as I started having trouble seeing the board at school in 5th grade. I told my mom and she didn't believe me. It got worse and worse. I remember somehow in 6th grade I ended up in the nurse's office having this very difficult conversation with the nurse (or whoever the person was). I remember them saying "How can you even see the board?" The way they made me feel is like it was my fault. I had told my mother and because of her own weird vanity or whatever with glasses, I had trouble seeing for a year before someone at my school finally forced my mom to notice. I think of so many times where I did try standing up for myself and people didn't listen. Instead the narrative became "Rainy doesn't speak up for herself."
What a sad and untrue thing to carry all this time.
Quote from: rainydiary on February 18, 2023, 06:00:26 AM
I think of so many times where I did try standing up for myself and people didn't listen. Instead the narrative became "Rainy doesn't speak up for herself."
What a sad and untrue thing to carry all this time.
That is huge. It is sad. Truth: you did stand up for yourself and people didn't listen. Very sad.
I commend you for your self-care by leaving work early when you felt like you couldn't stay longer.
Hi Rainy,
I am so sorry that you lost that earing - and I completely get what you say about the meaning of objects and what they represent and mean. I hope that it will perhaps turn up and you'll find it again.
I also think that the person helping you select the glasses could have been kinder in their advice to you.
I hope you will have a nice weekend. I was glad that you left that meeting early, because I think that showed great self-care.
Sending you a hug Rainy - I felt sad when you said 'Rainy doesn't speak up for herself' - I hope you can cast that off because I agree it's a sad and untrue thing to carry - here's the hug :hug:
Hope :)
Not Alone, I appreciate the support and validation. I think it will be important moving forward to remind myself that I do speak up and always have tried.
......
Hope, I appreciate your support and care. The hug and validation are welcome.
........
This weekend hasn't felt especially restful. I haven't been able to turn off my brain about work. I am worried about a number of things mostly the reaction to an email I sent. Maybe tomorrow will feel different.
I am still reading through the Unmasking Autism book. Some of the information has been helpful and some doesn't land for me. The author shared one person's experience with heavy exercise. That person found hard exercise to be triggering of past trauma.
It made me wonder if I have run all these years to keep my body in a certain level of stress. I have not missed running at all since taking a break. I like being active but really think running has not been a positive at all times. I'm not sure if I will go back to it.
I am finding that wearing earplugs when I am sleeping generally helps if my brain feels too active. For a long time I've been afraid to wear earplugs to bed because of something I saw on YouTube a long time ago. This couple on YouTube had this really traumatic experience where the husband became critically ill and his wife happened to wake up and was able to provide support until an ambulance came. I've been afraid my husband will need my help overnight and I won't hear with earplugs in. I broke the cycle of this worry by saying out loud that this was worrying me and it hasn't been as big for me.
I am going to read for a while and then sleep.
Quote from: Not Alone on February 18, 2023, 11:17:23 AM
Quote from: rainydiary on February 18, 2023, 06:00:26 AM
I think of so many times where I did try standing up for myself and people didn't listen. Instead the narrative became "Rainy doesn't speak up for herself."
What a sad and untrue thing to carry all this time.
That is huge. It is sad. Truth: you did stand up for yourself and people didn't listen. Very sad.
I commend you for your self-care by leaving work early when you felt like you couldn't stay longer.
:yeahthat: :applause:
Thank you BB. :hug:
..........
Today I have had this overwhelming sense that I live my life wrong. I think some of it is I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I feel like I belong with myself and continue to feel my best when alone. I also think I am still processing that I am autistic.
I had a good morning - my husband and I visited a new area of our state and it was pleasant. The rest of the day felt blah. It might have been habitual stress of worrying about Monday but thankfully I don't have work tomorrow.
I am trying to find my way forward in a way that feels more supportive to me. I think I expect too much of myself too fast. I mostly just want to live without feeling so bad about myself.
i want you to live w/o feeling bad about yourself, too, rainy. it's a terrible feeling to believe you don't belong anywhere, can't be part of a group cuz you're 'too different'. i remember all the struggles i've had w/ being social, trying to make small talk w/ others that just didn't 'land' with them, and feeling like i was doing it all wrong.
i've come to determine that folks like us are NOT doing it all wrong, just differently. we may be different from non-autistic people, but that doesn't make us wrong. we are gloriously different in how we see and function in the world. i think accepting such a difference w/in ourselves can be truly challenging but not impossible. you are a warmhearted, caring, intelligent human being. how can that be 'wrong'?
and congrats to you for seeing running as something that might not be a good thing for you. love and hugs, rainy. :hug:
San, I appreciate the care and support and validation. I think I am still growing and there is a lot to integrate. I hope to find some connections outside of work that would be supportive but am stuck in that process.
..........
Today has been something and it unfortunately isn't over. I have a meeting that I think will be ok but would rather not do it today.
I have just had a series of weird experiences that collectively feel like too much today. I also don't feel heard or valued at work. I'm getting the vibe that I am "being too much" so it feels like time to pull it back in for a while.
I'm not sure what to say about it at this point. I'm over being reactive but it's only because no one is talking to me.
I am especially stressed about some meetings tomorrow that are taking up too much energy and time.
I was trying to problem solve how to support myself. I considered taking a half day off work. That would work better for
me if I got to leave work early - these meetings are in the afternoon and I don't want to stay home only to come in later. So I decided that I will skip a meeting in the morning that I'm "supposed" to do and get some things done since my afternoon will be taken over by other people's agendas.
This week continues to feel hard. Reducing my workload today seemed to help.
One thing I've been upset about lately is a class I signed up for a local community college was cancelled due to low enrollment. The topic was Celtic Folklore. I had really been looking forward to it. I still haven't gotten past my disappointment. I am hoping they offer something similar in the future.
I write about that because I realize most of the leisure activities I do are so physically focused. I would like to find balance with other things.
I am not feeling my best this week and feel a lot of anger today.
o rainy, i hate cancellations of things i've been looking forward to. it feels like a disruption of some sort in my plan moving forward. i also hope they offer it again so you can attend.
hang tough, my dear, ok? i know it's felt messy, but you continue on, and i give you so much credit for that. love and hugs
San, I appreciate your support. Part of me had been really worried about having enough energy to do the course but I still wanted to learn the information just for the sake of learning. I'm waiting for them to release the schedule for their next set of classes and hope something turns up.
........
I am really drained this evening.
We had a 2 hour delay today at my school. I wanted to just stay home but needed to be part of a meeting later in the day. So I went and got a lot of paperwork done. It was mostly nice to not have a rushed day but I had a few experiences that I am feeling my terrible about.
One was with a student. He and his groupmate and I tried an experiment - we mixed baking soda and shaving cream together to make "snow." In retrospect, this was a terrible idea to do today. This student was already disregulated from the delay and having to shift to a different class because his teacher was absent with no substitute. He was having a lot of sensory discomfort or unease or something with the activity. It was also making a bigger mess than I expected. He started grabbing some of the mixture and trying to move it to the trash which was making a huge mess.
So I reached out and placed my hand on his hand to get him to stop. I felt so terrible that I did this because I don't believe in touching others without their consent. I also didn't want to get "in trouble" for the mess we were making. But I regret reaching out like that. He seemed to move on and even drew some rainbows. But I made a lot of mistakes today.
The meeting I had to be part of was so awful. The family dynamic was so off putting and they have a young autistic child who benefits from a lot of support. The way they spoke about this child and their plans to uproot their family to take him to a school that I think will most likely be traumatizing to their child. This child approached me for a hug and we had a "conversation" (not sure what he was telling me) but I think he felt understood (and recognized a fellow autistic person). It was hard for me to experience this.
Then at home I feel so irritated with my husband. I don't understand what is going on with him. I am trying to do my own job of being myself and advocating for myself while he sorts himself out.
Today was ok although busy. I also had a few interactions that left me not feeling great. One is about a student whose behavior is difficult. He and I work well together but he did not have a good day overall. It really pains me because he clearly needs something he isn't getting and I wish I understood. I hate how other adults speak to him and about him and the face of the person today made me so upset.
I realized tonight that next Wednesday is going to be hard. I have a meeting about the student I just mentioned and another student whose needs are also challenging to meet. I'm worried about being accused of not having done enough for him. Having both of those in the same day while I'm also supposed to present to my colleagues and meet with students is going to be hard.
I think what I realize is that I'll mask well enough at work but will come home and have a meltdown. I am going to try to make a plan next week to manage this day.
On a different note, I found the earring I thought I had lost. It was in my apartment. I am not sure what happened to the back but I found the main part. I felt a bit lighter for finding it and also foolish that I ordered a ton of other earrings. Although I love some of the new ones I got.
I'm sorry that the class that you were looking forward to was cancelled.
Yea that you found your earring. Enjoy those earrings that you bought.
I hear all the stress that you are experiencing at work with concern for students, meetings, relationships with coworkers. It is all a lot to handle. The skill and care that you give to your students is meaningful and significant. You probably can't know all the needs and issues that they are experiencing, but what you do give to them matters.
Not Alone, I appreciate your care and support.
..........
I am not doing well this evening.
My husband and I went to an open house today. I really liked the house. It is out of reach price wise. Sometimes things stay on the market long enough for price reduction but I don't think that will be the case with this house. I try to not get attached but I still do and am grieving something I never had.
I also realize how hard the coming week will be. It won't only be one day. I have too many meetings that occur after school and I can't bear it. I will have to look for places I can cut corners in order to survive.
I am back to wondering how the heck I can continue to do this work. The systems I am in are so toxic. I try to talk to others about it but it feels like I am not heard or they don't want to acknowledge the toxicity.
I often feel like no one in my life understands a single thing I say. It makes me feel like I am an alien and that I am out of touch and have no concept of how to be.
This is probably an EF of some form that I am not recognizing.
I'm sad that you are feeling so alone and not heard. I know those feelings and it's awful. I care about you Rainy.
Not Alone, I appreciate your support. I believe I was in an EF before and on the other side now. I do often feel misunderstood and unheard but I do think my presence makes a difference even if I can't always see or accept it.
..........
I am feeling emotionally better today. I just saw that house I like is still on the market. It might not be tomorrow but it's presence gives me hope.
What I am trying to remember is that I have endured hard weeks before. Part of me often feels like I won't be able to and sometimes reminding myself that I will find a way to manage is helpful.
I also recognize that I really want to be mean to others. I want to make them uncomfortable and hurt for hurting me. And yet, the truth is that most people are probably struggling too. I need boundaries while also practicing compassion for myself and others.
I think the moment that started my EF was a facial expression of a colleague. She was putting on this stern face when I went to pick up my student whose behavior is so challenging. I struggle because I agree he shouldn't hit his teacher or cuss at her...and I also wonder why the heck his nervous system is so out of control. He and I co-regulate but it doesn't carry over to class. All the same, that stern face triggered me and I think is generally unhelpful.
There are 5 school weeks until spring break. To start getting closer to that, I will do my best to show up tomorrow and do what I can.
One thing I want to get out of my brain - my mom texted me yesterday to say she fell. It sounded pretty bad. Of course she probably won't go to the doctor. And instead is saying stuff like "this happened for a reason, there is something I need to pay attention to." I notice that I tend to speak about things like that too. But if she is hurt I hope she gets help. Being pulled into that was annoying.
;) spring break sounds nice, you deserve a break , i hope you enjoy your day !
Thank you Larry - I appreciate your support.
.........
I am exhausted from today.
I decided during a presentation at work to share about my autism diagnosis. I felt it was relevant given the topic. When I sit in meetings and listen to people share their biased and stigmatized views of autism, I feel compelled to speak in when I can to help us take steps toward more responsiveness and support for autistic people.
At the same time, speaking openly is triggering because of experiences in my last job. I don't trust institutions or systems and hope that this share won't cause me harm. I don't regret what I did but feeling so vulnerable makes me sick.
I am hoping I will feel better tomorrow. I didn't sleep well last night as I was trying to decide how open I wanted to be about my diagnosis.
Quote from: rainydiary on March 02, 2023, 02:45:48 AM
Thank you Larry - I appreciate your support.
.........
I am exhausted from today.
I decided during a presentation at work to share about my autism diagnosis. I felt it was relevant given the topic. When I sit in meetings and listen to people share their biased and stigmatized views of autism, I feel compelled to speak in when I can to help us take steps toward more responsiveness and support for autistic people.
At the same time, speaking openly is triggering because of experiences in my last job. I don't trust institutions or systems and hope that this share won't cause me harm. I don't regret what I did but feeling so vulnerable makes me sick.
I am hoping I will feel better tomorrow. I didn't sleep well last night as I was trying to decide how open I wanted to be about my diagnosis.
How did they deal with knowing that you have an autism diagnosis? It must hurt to hear them talk about autism in a biased and negative way. I myself may have high functioning autism. By the way, what does EF stand for? (It was in one of your previous posts).
you're showing so much courage w/ this plan, rainy. i hope it goes well for you and also makes people sit up and acknowledge their own biases w/ the hope of clearer understanding. fingers crossed, prayers flying! much love and a hug filled w/ hope that your colleagues will change their perspectives. i give you so much credit, rainy, for doing this. :hug:
:hug:
Rainy that took a lot of courage. I hope it's a positive outcome for you, though i understand with the toxic work environments you've been in that it's a legitimate fear to not trust these systems to not hurt you. I bet it will have some positive outcome at least though for a couple people to do a better job of really listening and learning from your approaches with the kids, which is so much more attuned than the typical approach. I'm hoping for positive responses for you.
natureluvr, We were on a Zoom meeting so I wasn't really looking at folks' expressions when I said that. I have told some of the folks already that were in the meeting, so for many this probably wasn't a surprise. Some people that this was new to messaged me their support. I think some people also literally didn't care one way or another.
EF in the way I used stands for Emotional Flashback which I believe I learned from Pete Walker's book on CPTSD. In my work EF also means executive functioning which is really different.
I appreciate your support and the chance to know you.
......
San, thank you. I am feeling more confident in myself generally although still having a lot of challenges with other people.
.....
Armee, I appreciate your support. I was reflecting that I was very open in my last job about my experiences for a long time which people supported. And then for reasons I don't understand they turned on me. I'm sure they didn't change but I did. I will hope for the best.
.........
Well, the internet is down at my school so I literally cannot do any work.
Today just feels neutral and blah.
I wanted to stay home but came to work as today is my favorite schedule. I am going to skip a meeting that is scheduled for after school so that I can go pick up the glasses I'm not sure I am going to like.
Just noticing how weird we can be as people. One of my colleagues has been a speech therapist in this school district for 30 years. I have mixed feelings working with her because she says things that I find hurtful and she also helps me interpret the weird things in this district. She was just saying that she was poached yesterday at a job fair she went to as a representative of our district. I wanted to say "then go" because she has said things about considering a new job before. I also sense she also has fear of starting a new job because this is the only one she's had. But also I just don't want to be humble bragged to.
Rainy, it was very brave of you to share your autism diagnosis with your coworkers. I glad that some people communicated their support.
Not Alone, thank you. :hug:
..........
This day was too much. Or I just couldn't take all that happened. I am exhausted and need to make my way to bed.
The worst part of today was a student was trying to be independent in my room. She decided to climb on a shelf to reach something. Well, the shelf tipped. Thankfully it didn't fully fall on her. Everything on the shelf fell fall. It was loud and scary.
She kept saying to me "why am I shaking?" She showed me her leg was shaking. I said it's because your body wanted to run and it couldn't. So I let her run in the hallway a bit. No one was hurt but that was a terrible experience to have. It also made me feel unsafe in my room. We live in an earthquake area, so this was eye opening to have unsafe my workspace is.
I had a lot of other things happen today that weren't bad, just too much. I had a meltdown when I got home. I feel so terrible when that happens.
After writing this, I'm processing a bit more about that experience with the shelf.
I am crying because a younger version of myself is healing right now.
I believe I handled that experience so differently than my parents would have. I was calm. I validated the feelings of the students there. I recognized a child in fight/flight mode and gave them space to calm. I gave care I would not have received as a child for a child doing a child thing.
That experience was triggering for me because I kept thinking "I'm going to get in trouble." No joke as we were going back to the student's class, we passed the principal. I wanted to blurt out what happened, to tell on myself. I did tell the student's teacher so they would have perspective of what happened. And they were basically like "yeah, that happens."
But I am healing. A lot still hurts and I am so exhausted with being me, but I can be a caring adult to a child and I hope it makes a difference.
It does make a difference Rainy. You make a difference. I can tell from how you write about your interactions with the kids and how they respond to you.
I'm sorry the shelf and items fell on the student. I would have had the same gut reactions as you including feeling scared I had done something wrong and would be in trouble for it. Of course it wasn't your fault but we are so used to taking on the blame and assuming we are wrong and wanting to apologize before someone gets mad at us. I wish you had adults who had nurtured you the way you nurtured that child. I love the way you explained her leg shaking and gave her the corrective action. They are lucky to have you. You did a good job.
you make so much difference to those kids, rainy. i know that from having worked w/ adolescents in a different way than the 'rules' suggest. the results show how much difference you make. it's such a big deal, working w/ kids, allowing them to find their way in a guided environment. i only wish there were more like you. i've also lived in earthquake areas, and it's an innate fear that cannot totally be quelled.
i hope you can rest a bit this weekend. sending love and a hug full of a hammock on the beach or between 2 trees in the shade where you can take a break from all these stressors. :hug:
Thank you Armee. Today I have become progressively more worried I will be "in trouble" on Monday. I imagine the student's parents angry and demanding something of me. I imagine difficult conversations about what happened and being asked why I didn't follow some policy I didn't know I was supposed to follow. I am feeling a bit more calm when I remember that one of the classrooms I go to regularly has things like this happen and things move forward.
.....
San, I appreciate your support and care. The earthquake stuff is unsettling but also the least on my mind today. I am feeling today like I don't know if I can bear this work anymore. The other day on social media someone posted this and it really resonated:
On the subject of employment, it's never usually the actual job that I struggle with.
It's the unwritten rules, the weird hierarchies, the lack of sensory breaks, the commute, the lunch hour, the managers on a power trip and so much more.
I've ended up quitting a lot of jobs and 90% of the time it's been because of people, not the job.
...........
Today has been fine but also weird.
I am glad I tried Pilates but I have grown increasingly displeased with the place I've been going. The first class I went to was great but the ones after haven't been great at all. There is a lot of toxicity in wellness and fitness places and this place is unfortunately no different. They are incredibly ableist in their approach - my body cannot do some of the things they ask and when I modify for myself or stop, the response I receive is not welcoming. So I don't think I will be using the final 2 passes on a 5 class pass I bought. I am really disappointed.
My husband and I are not having a lot of luck in our house buying. The market is so weird and we may expand our search area to include a different city than we live in. We recently visited the other city and I personally liked it way more than where we live now. We'll see.
Today I am feeling again like I don't know how to be a person and live life. I am moving toward things that are important to me but am also still stuck in other things. I am mostly ok with my life but feel like others cannot understand.
I'm really impressed with how you responded to and helped the student.
Quote from: Armee on March 04, 2023, 08:55:11 AM
It does make a difference Rainy. You make a difference. I can tell from how you write about your interactions with the kids and how they respond to you.
I'm sorry the shelf and items fell on the student. I would have had the same gut reactions as you including feeling scared I had done something wrong and would be in trouble for it. Of course it wasn't your fault but we are so used to taking on the blame and assuming we are wrong and wanting to apologize before someone gets mad at us. I wish you had adults who had nurtured you the way you nurtured that child. I love the way you explained her leg shaking and gave her the corrective action. They are lucky to have you. You did a good job.
:yeahthat: in respect to all of it, including feeling scared I'd done something and would be in trouble for it (that's a big trigger for me). They are indeed lucky to have you! :)
Quote from: rainydiary on March 05, 2023, 04:22:21 AM
The other day on social media someone posted this and it really resonated:
On the subject of employment, it's never usually the actual job that I struggle with.
It's the unwritten rules, the weird hierarchies, the lack of sensory breaks, the commute, the lunch hour, the managers on a power trip and so much more.
I've ended up quitting a lot of jobs and 90% of the time it's been because of people, not the job.
I really resonate with this too.
I think it's brilliant progress to be moving towards things that are important to you! :applause: :) :hug:
Not Alone, thank you. I hope she is ok and that this week will be less dramatic.
.....
Blueberry, I appreciate your support and understanding related to triggers and work.
..........
I had a good day. But I dread going to work this week.
I am tired of always feeling like there is something I haven't done right.
I am tired of other people.
I am tired of the sensory overload.
I am tired.
It is important to the plans of a few students that I show up tomorrow. I am considering taking a day off this week.
:bighug:
gentle hugs
I appreciate the care San and CF. :hug:
.........
I made it although I feel completely drained.
A meeting I was worried about went ok. It still drained me.
In some ways I feel stronger inside. In others I still feel like I have so far to go.
I am hoping for restful sleep tonight. I have been having involved dreams that take a toll.
*sigh*
My coworker was sharing what happened at a meeting I missed. She told me I hadn't completed my section of the paperwork.
I knew I had written it. But I think what I did was write it in a word document and forgot to add it to the software program.
I am so triggered that this happened. I am really embarrassed and worried about being in trouble.
I am glad she told me today so that I can have this reaction now instead of being in an EF all day tomorrow.
But EFs are no fun and now my evening is ruined.
i'm with you, rainy. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you San. I ended up sleeping better than expected. I appreciate your support.
.........
I am exhausted.
I ended up resolving my mistake with relatively little drama. I did have a really intense dream about coworkers that I don't fully remember and didn't really make sense.
I feel alone today. I met today with my fellow speech language pathologist colleagues. I do not have the same agenda as them and today was the first time I felt especially separate from them.
Today was another draining day.
I am appreciating the things that drain me and am not sure how to better protect myself.
Things that happen to students I don't know. The constant poor communication from certain colleagues. Annoying schedule changes that mess up my time with students. My inability to meet all that is expected of me (the truth is no one can, we just pretend like we do). Feeling pressure to pretend like "I got this."
I am tired.
all that instability IS tiring, rainy. it sucks at us, drains us of energy, and makes our brains work harder. i hope you can get some relaxation this weekend. sending love and a hug full of energizer to take on next week. :hug:
San, I appreciate the validation and weekend wishes. :hug:
........
Today was less emotional than I expected but I am still tired.
I made another mistake at work today. A student on my caseload also gets speech therapy outside of school. Their speech therapist called me today. She had a release of information to talk to me. I most likely should have had one before I talked to her.
An area I have not been trained in. I feel foolish for this misstep. I believe the parent would give me consent to talk to this person given that she has given consent to the other person.
I am dreading the time change this weekend. I hope I can relax and keep doing my best.
i'm with you on the time change, rainy. it knocks my socks of for several days. it's not so bad in the fall, for whatever reason. here's to getting thru it as best we can. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you San, I am trying to head to bed earlier tonight to see if that helps. I hope the time change is gentler than we are are expecting.
..........
I have big thoughts right now and no idea how to put them into words.
I am overwhelmed at all the mistakes I've made the past several weeks at work and am also learning to recognize that the world has not ended as a result.
I am growing in the right direction. Today didn't feel great necessarily. I felt blah and like I need something I can't define or understand right now.
Still feeling blah and blue today.
I am reflecting that there is space being cleared out inside of me as heal and learn more. That space does represent loss even if what I am losing isn't useful anymore. That loss causes grief and this sense that my life is passing me by. The space also wants to be filled and I am stuck because I'm not sure how to move forward.
I have 13 more Mondays until this current school year is over.
Today I am frustrated by a colleague that is giving me red flags and worries about the past repeating itself.
Last Monday I involved this person in a meeting with others present to make a plan for a student. This person has been ignoring my requests for help since October. We made a plan and I emailed that out.
Today this person contradicted our plan to my face. It made me so mad. But I couldn't stand up to it in the moment. I will send a follow up email tomorrow to document that conversation. Because I don't trust that later she won't try to drag me through the mud and claim I didn't tell her stuff.
I am reading a book that I'm not sure I'll finish. It is about a person tracing her family tree and trying to reconcile her past and her family history. It is speaking to questions or urges I've had of understanding my ancestors better...but it is also pressing against this deep sense of pain that I can't describe.
I'm sorry your colleague is treating you like that, rainy :pissed: :pissed:
Sounds like my old LL (who is still arguing things with Tenant's Rights).
Unfortunately there are people like that in the world. it's on them, not on you.
I appreciate the support and emoji Blueberry. I am exhausted dealing with others.
........
Today wasn't so good. Really challenging student and colleague interactions. Wish I had stayed home.
I feel pretty low about myself.
Wanting to reflect on an experience this morning.
I decided to send an email to a colleague at my previous school that I left in my old state. I decided to share with her my diagnosis of autism. My intention with sharing with her is that I know she is a gossip and will share my news with others. I kind of want them to know.
Her response back to me was so eye opening. While she was "nice," her response lacked compassion, lacked accountability, and was gaslighting. Her message essentially was "it doesn't work to dwell on the past, get over it." That isn't how trauma works.
Now that I have some distance from her and from that school, I am struck by the toxic positivity and inherent nastiness that I was putting up with. I saw that when I was there, but it lands so differently with me now. I am not sorry I left. Especially now. What a miserable place.
Good riddance to them.
I don't know why I put myself through that this morning to send that email. I thought it would make me feel better but I just feel foolish.
I decided to take the day off tomorrow from work. The last several months are going to be a lot so I need to take the day while I can.
I think maybe in a way you were standing up for others by sending that email to raise awareness. Good job taking a day off while you can.
Armee, I appreciate the validation. I specifically reached out to this person because her child is autistic and we spoke about it a lot. It pains me because she will not see that he will (if he isn't already) be treated differently for no good reason. There is no point in me speaking to anyone there again. This gave me information and I know I am better off for leaving.
.........
I slept so poorly last night and am grateful I didn't push myself to work today. I do feel some guilt for not going to work but in the long run this won't be a regret. The reason I'm uncomfortable is because I know my colleague at my Thursday school will judge me not being there and I having trouble navigating my relationship with her.
My cat kept waking me up last night and then I had trouble falling back asleep. My mind went to such a dark place and none of my "tricks" for falling back asleep worked. I woke up exhausted.
A lot of the stress is because today I am going to tour a home we may put in an offer for. This process has been long, uncomfortable, and uncertain. The market where we live is so weird and it is exhausting to participate in. It is possible the home won't "feel right" to me. Even if an offer is made, there is still no certainty it would be accepted and if it is there is a long process ahead.
I did decide to go to Pilates even though I've been uncomfortable with the studio. I am glad I went today. The experience was positive. I still think they have a lot of issues there but I was able to offer up about my sensory needs to the instructor (who remembered my name even though I don't go every week). It may be worth continuing to give them a chance.
For now I am playing with my cat and watching basketball and playing a jigsaw puzzle game on my iPad.
I am exhausted. I didn't sleep well again last night and had a draining day at work and home.
Two bright spots from my day:
I have become such a safe person to this one student. Today during our meeting they said, "This is hard to say...". My immediate reaction was to clench a bit because this student's home life is rough. But they continued and said, "I miss 2022." I asked them why and they said "It has a lot of good memories."
In the afternoon, there were some parent/teacher conferences and a teacher asked me to come to a conference to support them. During the transition between conferences, I met the parent of a student and they said "My student loves you!" I found out later that this parent was really upset because their student hates school and is feeling stuck in supporting them. I'm glad I am a bright spot.
House hunting has become too discouraging. I think we might take a break from it.
I hope one day I can find a way to not feel so drained at the end of every day.
House hunting is draining frightening and disappointing.
You are really important to your students. It's really too bad the work culture makes it hard to do your job.
Thank you Armee. I am glad to know it isn't just us with house hunting - it feels so messed up. We have a ton of privilege and are having trouble so where does that leave those without as many resources? I wish work wasn't so draining for me.
.........
I am feeling unsettled this morning.
I keep thinking about my interactions with a teacher colleague yesterday. She is the teacher of the student who doesn't like school.
She opened up with me about what happened at his conference and she cried. I don't feel like I handled myself as well as I would have liked with her. I worry I wasn't supportive and possibly gaslit her a bit.
I did learn an important lesson from her. She reminded me of how much time teachers truly do spend with their students - they are with them so much of the year. So when you feel like you aren't helping a kid, you have constant daily reminders. That would weigh heavy on me too.
Luckily I can try to clarify with her and try to say what I meant to convey again. I think she feels alone and I can try to find ways to support.
I am struggling with how overwhelmed and overstimulated I am all the time at work. I'm not sure how to care for myself more. I haven't approached seeking accommodations because I literally don't know what would help. I also don't trust the system.
Quote from: Armee on March 18, 2023, 02:18:32 AM
House hunting is draining frightening and disappointing.
You are really important to your students. It's really too bad the work culture makes it hard to do your job.
:yeahthat:
rainy, I was really worried before I started even looking for a new apt what might happen if I ended with a bunch of rejections. I got really lucky that I got the first place i really wanted. My GP agreed with that but also with my fears. He said the No's make people feel rejected, even though it's not them personally being rejected, not usually. I hope that makes sense. Here about 100 people answer per apt ad.
I imagine you were actually very supportive of the teacher! She opened up to you after all, probably she could feel your support. At least that's my guess.
Blueberry, thank you. I've learned about something called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and think that is at play with house hunting and many other things. With finding a house I think things will work out, it's just exhausting. I think the teacher felt comfortable too. I think this will be a relationship to explore further for collaboration.
..........
I am struggling this weekend with the idea that I don't matter. I have contradictory evidence to that but it is a deep deep thing I feel about myself.
It has long roots. Growing up and moving away from people I felt safe with was hard. I am still in touch with people I knew growing up but everyone's life moved in so many different directions and I feel left out.
I am trying very hard to see other people as less threatening and less dangerous. I think most everyone is struggling. I do feel I've been bullied and taken advantage of which is the hard thing to overcome.
rainy, those are so many issues to be dealing w/ at the same time as dealing w/ moving and work stuff. i hope you can be gentle w/ yourself. that's such a big realization. give yourself time to process it, ok? one step at a time, right? love and hugs :hug:
Rainy, I have caught up on your journal. I feel for you and all the stress that you are experiencing at work and with house hunting.
San, I appreciate the reminder for one thing at a time.
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Not Alone, thank you for checking in.
..........
Today I am really feeling how deeply I feel as compared to others.
:hug:
Larry, thank you for the support.
.........
This morning I am reflecting on the amount of fear I have toward others.
I am getting caught up in the Outer Critic and not acknowledging the turmoil within me.
As the day went on I also recognize ways I continue to try to keep myself small.
I am still doing so much to be pleasing and liked by others.
A lot of this is trying to understand autism and how I move in the world.
I had a meeting after school that is leaving me drained. I felt strong in advocating about autism for the student and sharing with the parents (and team) that I am autistic. Then the school team continues to propose goals and react to the family (members of whom must be neurodivergent too) in ways that leave me sad and tired and asking "Why the F*&k do I even try?"
Quote from: rainydiary on March 22, 2023, 12:46:12 AM
Then the school team continues to propose goals and react to the family (members of whom must be neurodivergent too) in ways that leave me sad and tired and asking "Why the F*&k do I even try?"
Because what you do and your understanding and care of your students makes a difference to them.
Not Alone, thank you for the validation.
........
Feeling a bit ridiculous right now. I tried sharing concerns with a colleague and I feel a bit gaslit by her response. I see her point. I think what I realize from her response is that I am not the person to lead the fight that other people in my role want to have. I literally don't have the energy to care about the things they are upset about. I put my energy elsewhere.
The world does not revolve me and also I have experiences that aren't acknowledged by other people because they are "invisible" to them.
I have about three more hours to be at work then will head home.
Quote from: Not Alone on March 22, 2023, 12:52:03 AM
Quote from: rainydiary on March 22, 2023, 12:46:12 AM
Then the school team continues to propose goals and react to the family (members of whom must be neurodivergent too) in ways that leave me sad and tired and asking "Why the F*&k do I even try?"
Because what you do and your understanding and care of your students makes a difference to them.
:yeahthat:
I hope you can debunk feeling ridiculous. Questions, comments, conversation sometimes lead to learning additional things about a situation or yourself. It's OK to learn something new or hear a different perspective from somebody and consider whether it applies to yourself. There's nothing ridiculous about learning something new. I 'get' feeling ridiculous but I don't think it's necessary if that makes sense? Might be wrapped up in shame?
Blueberry, I appreciate your support. :hug:
.........
I don't know what to say today.
I am feeling less and less welcome at my secondary school. I think the best way forward is to not be there anymore after this year. I recognize a pattern where a stronger personality "parents" me. I keep myself small around this person even though I would say we relatively get along. She is too controlling and people in the school think I am her assistant as opposed to someone with equal status. I think the best thing would be to remove myself from the situation after this school year.
Beyond that I just feel lost. Feeling a lot of frustration with my husband and his silence. I communicate and communicate and I hear so little in return. For instance, I know something has happened between him and his family but I couldn't say what it is because he hasn't told me. I think he is overwhelmed from shock of reduced enmeshment. He plans to go to his doctor in April to speak about medication and who knows what else. I hold a lot of fear based on the last time he went through this process. Part of me just wants to not have to deal with a relationship.
I have a busy day tomorrow that I would rather not do. I think I'll go to bed.
rainy :hug:
Thank you Bach :hug:
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I had this thought yesterday and wanted to write it down to see what I make of it.
I am hypersensitive to the way adults treat children. I struggle to understand why when an adult sees a kid doing something, they immediately jump to the conclusion they are doing something wrong.
Yet with other adults, I always assume they are doing something wrong or have some motive I don't understand in how they are treating me.
I am trying to consider that the time and patience I give relationship building with kids is also needed with adults. And also adults have a lot of power to harm me in ways kids do not.
I think my feelings are both related to the way the first adults in my life treated me and how I've been treated by adults ever since.
*sigh*. I didn't sleep my best last night and have a big day ahead.
My day went ok. I am not feeling my best after my observation.
I took a risk and showed my supervisor a rather unstructured activity. She had a lot of feedback for me. I think in the long run her feedback will be good for me.
Right now it feels bad. I feel like I'm in "trouble" and did something wrong. I am also just feeling generally angry toward others right now in an attempt to protect myself.
I hope this passes.
rainy, personally, i think it takes a special kind of skill set to develop a relationship w/ a kid, and i don't see it as the same for doing so w/ adults. kids don't have the same level of logic, perspective, or life experience as adults. you are so kind, patient, and gentle w/ the kids you work w/, and you know your place in relation to them. it sounds like, especially because of past experience, you're not quite sure of your place w/ adults. hence, you act small. maybe not, just a thought.
i know i've struggled w/ this myself, still do at times, also feeling small. i've only just begun to speak up for myself w/ my D, and that's only because she has created this safe space for me. but i can't see myself doing so regularly w/ others yet. baby steps.
you've been making some wonderful progress in figuring things out for and about yourself, and i have no doubt as you continue in recovery you'll find the place you need to be in. hang tough, rainy - i'm hangin' right beside you. love and hugs :hug:
I hear your frustration with your husband's silence. I understand.
Quote from: rainydiary on March 24, 2023, 11:27:16 PM
Right now it feels bad. I feel like I'm in "trouble" and did something wrong. I am also just feeling generally angry toward others right now in an attempt to protect myself.
That makes sense to me. Those are familiar feelings/thoughts to me also.
San, I appreciate the reminder of the distinction between building relationships with kids versus adults. I still don't feel like an adult and that may show up in these dynamics. I am also finding that I am speaking up more in productive ways and yet still have this big blob inside that I can't put into words that is making me feel stuck. I appreciate your support and care.
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Not Alone, Thank you. I did speak to my husband about how it hurts me. On Friday after work he did initiate conversation with me. Part of me was glad and felt like he heard me. More of me wonders if that was a one time thing. This all takes me down a path of hurtful thoughts. Mostly "why marry someone you don't want to talk to or have any curiosity about?" I hope to keep speaking up and seeing how that goes.
I am still feeling lousy about the feedback and my performance.
..........
Saturdays are the day I tend to feel best. It's been a good day. And also I am still very upset about the conversation with my supervisor. I want to argue and tell her she's wrong. I want to be right and comfortable and not feel so overwhelmed by her words.
This conversation with her touches on very old parts of me that have been told I am wrong and broken and flawed. So I am not capable of not taking her words so seriously and feeling them so deeply. I'm not sure if there are feelings I need to process or if I am still quick to feel "scolded."
I actually think what I am feeling bad about is her feedback made me feel like I am failing my students. Like I am not providing them with strategies and supports to grow their communication. I don't believe that is true, but I think my way of doing this doesn't match hers. I wish one conversation about one 30 minute block of time with a student I am still trying to get to know and which was made awkward by her presence didn't make me feel so terrible. I think this taught me that the next time I am observed, I need to take care of myself differently to be ready for feedback.
I did share my autism diagnosis with her because in many ways I think she can be an ally. I hope I didn't make a mistake. I am noticing how some folks talk about wanting to be supportive and when they are confronted with an opportunity, they aren't sure how to handle it.
I think for many of my colleagues my presence and my discussion of my diagnosis is making the way autistic people are treated and experience the world real for them in a way that is unsettling them. It makes me feel weird and sad and also like "this is the only way things will change for the better for all of us." I don't regret anything I have said or done, but this is usually where other people start to let me down and become mean.
She did ask my opinion about something on Friday. I feel like my answer to her is not going to make sense to her and that makes me feel bad too. I am realizing I need other autistic adults to talk to, not just online, that I can talk about things with. There is a group that meets in my city a few times a month. I signed up for their next meeting which will occur the first week of April. I tend to back out of following through but hope I will have the energy to go as I will be off work that week.
This entry was longer than I meant to write.
Feeling a lot of grief right now and I'm not sure why. Trying to articulate some ideas but can't find the words or the audience to help me make sense.
:hug:
I can imagine how very helpful it would be to join an in-person autism support group. That sounds like a fantastic next step. As you often wish me, I hope you are able to find spaces of ease this week.
With you rainy :hug:
i agree w/ armee, rainy. i do hope you're able to attend that meeting, and that it's helpful for you.
i don't doubt your revelations to colleagues make them feel awkward or uneasy. what came to my mind was that you have an intimate insight into some of your students that they don't have. therefore, you can relate to them better, know more about their needs, and can think more practically about solutions for them. i hope they don't become mean to you, but look to you as an asset. which, in my mind, you are, especially in your job. love and hugs
Thank you all - several times over the past few days I've come to write here. I started posts and deleted them.
I am still feeling deeply sad. I have moments where I see growth I've made. And other moments where processing past events through my current knowledge hurts.
The meeting with my supervisor last week was deeply upsetting. I am still upset mostly by her lack of understanding. I think that touched on a very old wound - my parents often made assumptions about me growing up that left me feeling like they didn't know me at all.
I am also upset with what I feel like is a dismissal from my secondary school. I'm puzzling over if I'm the problem. I think what it is is that I can no longer pretend to be ok with how controlling my colleague is and how invisible I feel there and how I feel like I can't be myself there. I did have a validating conversation with a fellow part time person there yesterday. But it isn't enough. I am being hard on myself.
I feel lost and tired and also hopeful and ready for something I don't know what.
Gentle hugs, rainy. I hope that in-person group is a help to you.
Thank you CF, I appreciate the care.
.........
I cried a lot when I got from work today.
Some of the things coming up which are bothering me in different ways:
1. My cat doesn't seem well. I made a vet appointment for her in a few weeks as I don't think it's an emergency and that is the earliest her vet can see her. But I dread the day our time together will be done and always worry the next vet visit will be the one where conversations get harder.
2. A student who I loved working with moved very quickly. I hope that everything is ok with her family. Her move was so sudden and I miss her. There is a big space in my heart and schedule without her.
3. For some reason I've been thinking about my parents' strong reactions to the stories showed in the movies "Into the Wild" and "Saving Mr. Banks." Both of those stories portray abuse and childhood trauma. I know that my parents experienced trauma too and yet I feel far away from them.
4. On the topic of my parents, I am upset that I don't feel like I can talk to them about my autism diagnosis. I know it wouldn't be supportive or safe to do so, but it makes me sad sad sad and also mad. I believe autism and neurodivergence are more common in my family and just weren't identified.
5. I've been noticing how much the world "opens up" and public events are more "normal." I am grieving how we aren't ever going to talk about how traumatic the pandemic was/is and I resent how collective conversation just moves on.
I am also noticing that some things that used to eat at me with work aren't taking up my energy like they used to. In some ways I am feeling more comfortable in my own skin.
Right now though I am so tired.
Still pretty worn out. One more work day and then it is spring break. I don't think Spring Break will be all too restorative but at least I won't have to go to work.
I am reflecting on a conversation I had with a student today and how I feel like I recognize abuse others don't see. The student is making some speech substitutions that most kids their age have outgrown. They are very aware and very upset by these differences. I asked them if anyone has ever said anything about their speech and right away they say "My parents."
In that moment I felt a fire inside. I don't know this family well although I work with this student's sibling. I have seen them walking home and they do not give the appearance of a family that is ok. I see the way the sibling I work with holds themselves when their parent is speaking to them and all I see is unhealthy, potentially abusive dynamics.
I don't know if this student's parents have tried to get their child into speech therapy or if they have insurance or a way to access those services. However, I think putting the blame on a child for making speech errors they have no control over and need help with is abusive.
Yet, would others see that? To me, it is a symptom of larger dynamics. I suppose I could be wrong and misreading things. But I don't think I am.
My stomach hurts thinking about it and how Spring Break won't be a safe experience for everyone. I wish I could see how we could stop people hurting each other.
I wish i could do or say soemthing, it is hard seeing kids not being properly cared for. I hope you are ok, and i hope you can enjoy your spring break.
Larry, I appreciate your understanding and support.
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I am not feeling well today. It's hard to say what the exact "cause" is but most likely stress.
I am going to show up to work today to make sure I have everything wrapped up for Spring Break and to make sure I know what's coming when I get back.
I woke in the middle of the night and had trouble falling back asleep. All I could think about was this part of me that feels like I don't do anything right.
Other parts of me know that isn't true and I am trying to find my way back to those being louder, stronger.
i hope those other parts speak up loud and clear for you to hear and eventually know, rainy. you certainly do more than enough. i hope you are able to get some rest on spring break. with you all the way. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you San. :hug:
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Yesterday I felt unwell all day at work. I was worried I was sick and would be sick for my break. That has happened in the past. I don't feel sick today so I think it was stress and exhaustion.
Last night when I got home from work, I think it clicked for me that I don't have to work on Monday. I also didn't go grocery shopping as I usually do on Fridays. And I was able to turn around my exhaustion. In the future I think I need to skip grocery shopping on Friday afternoons because it takes too high of a toll.
Work is absolutely a tremendous source of problem in my life. When I don't have work, I feel so much better.
I am having some trouble letting it go - I am due to give a presentation the week after break that I am running through in my mind.
I also read an article on social media about a district I used to work in that triggered a huge sense of shame in me. I haven't worked in that place in almost 6 years so the trigger is annoying. I take the article personally although it has nothing to do with me.
On a different note, last night I had a really intense dream about a person from my past. This person shows up in my dreams from time to time and it is often comforting and confusing at the same time. It speaks to some deep comfort I seek and don't find in my daily life.
It's interesting that my brain thinks this person would provide comfort to me. On my healing journey, I realized this person accepted me and liked me for who I was when I knew them at 16 and 17 years old. I couldn't handle their care and acceptance 22 years ago and I feel grief about that. I was in the midst of living in my abusive home that was also a military family that moved so much. The only way I felt like I could survive was to keep people at a distance.
I can't rewrite this or get this relationship back on a different path. But I can take the comfort these dreams are trying to offer even if I don't understand it and even though it leaves me feeling vulnerable. It is a reminder that many people have always liked and cared about me.
Wow Rainy! There's so much wisdom in taking those dreams as sources of comfort you can keep with you.
i completely agree w/ armee, rainy. how nice you are able to find some sense of comfort somewhere, if only in dreams. i, too, have relationships that didn't work out which had been a source of goodness because of my own issues going on, and i hear you on feeling the grief at their passing. you're not alone. love and hugs :hug:
I appreciate your care and support, Armee and San.
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*sigh*
I return to work on Monday and am dreading it. I've lost my confidence in myself and with students. I hope to find my way back.
I also just feel so low about myself. My brain keeps thinking about all the times I've done things that were so awkward and off.
I didn't go to the dinner for the Autistic group this week. I know community would be helpful but I just couldn't face it this week.
I am trying to restart a meditation practice using an app. The one I had used for years was shut down so I am trying a different one.
Right now I am reading a memoir by Francois Clemmons (the person that played Officer Clemmons on Mr. Rogers Neighborhood) and I am intrigued by it. I normally don't enjoy nonfiction and am glad I have the chance to read about his journey.
I think that I am back to feeling like I don't matter. I know that isn't true, but I am not sure how to move forward with my life in a way that feels right.
Rainy, I want to let you know I read your post, in fact reading your post made me log in but now any meaningful words and thoughts have disappeared, except I really get the "community would be helpful but i can't face it" sentiments.
I appreciate you checking in BB. I felt like that was a stream of consciousness post and I appreciate you reading.
.......
Trying to relax today but feeling really queasy. My husband and I may be making an offer house today....but it truthfully feels pointless because there continues to be a lot of competition for places in our area. We most likely won't be willing to offer enough to have an offer selected if a seller receives multiple offers so the whole thing feels like a waste of energy. Of course, if we don't try the answer is definitely no. This whole experience is discouraging and unfortunate.
I am trying to rest my mind but it's tough right now.
I have 10 weeks left in this school year which truthfully isn't much. It feels like more than I can bear. This coming week will especially be difficult. There is too much too fast because Spring Break cuts into deadlines. I am trying to remember I've gotten through before and I can again.
What is getting me motivated is to consider what I'll do differently in the future and trying to make small adjustments now to get there.
rainy, i'm moved by your self-reflection, the idea of having done this before so you can do it again, as well as realizing about making small adjustments to alter how to get to where you want to be. well done.
the housing market is a nightmare. so frustrating, so difficult to find what you want as well as what you can afford. sending love and a hug filled w/ encouragement. :hug:
:grouphug:
San, thank you - I hope my brain will relax a bit and that I can actually believe I'll make it as I have before.
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Not Alone, :grouphug:
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I don't feel well this morning which is anxiety about going back to work.
Last night I had another dream where a person from my past was present. In this dream, I was able to have a conversation with a person to apologize for how I treated them and to share context. In the dream they hugged me and gave me a look that indicated I am forgiven. I woke up this dream and my chest was tight. My heart was a little broken but also maybe parts are healing.
I am also struggling with my husband's moods. We did have a good talk last week and he acknowledged he hasn't felt like himself for a while. I am struggling with taking responsibility for things that are his to take responsibility for. I am seeing how I don't know if he will ever feel ok unless he lives in his hometown (although I can't say he feels ok when he is there). I also see a pattern in my family of the women marrying men that are a lot of work (not sure how else to express that). He will either continue to grow with me or he won't. That scares me and also I am tired of taking so much of his stuff on.
I hope this week goes smoother than I worry it will.
i've had a habit of taking on 'projects' in relationships, rainy. don't know if that's exactly what you're saying, but i've always seen the potential in my men, and thought i could turn that into a great relationship. alas, not true. i feel for you in having to deal w/ these problems right now. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you San - I appreciate your care. I struggle with all relationships generally and am trying to sort myself out. I see my husband trying and also am recognizing I am still my own person. I get lost in relationships of all kinds and they defined me in the past. I wish it wasn't so confusing.
.........
I am feeling a bit triggered at work.
I had a difficult interaction with a teacher. The more I get to know this person, the more I realize she must have some neurodivergence of her own going on but it is very difficult to communicate with her.
My perception is that she really does not like the student I work with in her class. He is a challenging student and I imagine he is disruptive. She got really upset with me when I returned this student to class early. She insisted I take him back for more time.
I feel ridiculous because I misunderstood something another teacher told him and thought I was returning him to his regularly scheduled reading group. That is not accurate and I do understand her concern when she hasn't planned for him to be there. But also....sheesh.
It doesn't even feel worth trying to talk to her about. She doesn't really understand who I am and this issue is too complex because it isn't really about me returning him to class a little early.
For me I also feel some guilt as I don't feel like I help this student and I have changed how I act at this school with students because I don't feel comfortable being myself. I think next week I will take this student on a scavenger hunt. I think our sessions will be movement based and outdoors if possible.
That does sound like the teacher's reaction is about her.
I love the idea of taking your student on a scavenger hunt and taking the student outside. Creative and student-focused.
Thank you Not Alone. I am back today to write more about my day.
.........
I feel so drained and so sad.
I broke my promise to myself of not opening up to a colleague today and the conversation with her hurt.
I feel so judged for the way I work with kids. I'm feeling like I do my job wrong and cannot get past this feeling.
I want to be right and part of me nags that I know I have room for growth.
But it's hard to have colleagues judge how I do my work.
:grouphug:
I'm sorry Rainy it sounds so so hard and when you care so much about the kids and wanting to do good for them I can see how you would question your approach. At the same time, you get so much true positive feedback from the kids, right?
I wonder, just looking at what I was doing at work, I was basically recreating a traumatic experience over and over at work and trying to get a different outcome and just kept triggering myself instead. I wonder if it's possible you could be doing something similar and opening up conversations in a way that invite feedback that makes you feel bad? It may not be what is happening for you at all and you definitely don't need to answer this question. Just food for thought from my own experience that may not be relevant to your situation.
Either way I'm sending support your way. Your job at its best is extremely taxing. You do really good with the kids. They need someone like you.
rainy, i think i've said this before, but want you to know i had such a similar experience when i worked at a day care center/group home. my form of therapy for those girls was one of nurturing, while the T's for the residential girls had a lot more punishment attached. i was the odd duck, but i believed in what i was doing, what i was trying to accomplish w/ the girls in day care, and it was a different situation, which means, to my mind, it needed a different approach.
i believe in your approach, your way of dealing w/ children. you may be the odd duck, as i was (actually, my superior once introduced me to a colleague as 'this is san, our flaky therapist'. that's how i was looked at, how i was known there, but, as you've described so many times, the results showed a lot of growth and development in our kids. please, believe in yourself, in what you do, and pooh on anyone else who tries to undermine you or your way of working.
gets me so angry at those people. may i :pissed: on your behalf, rainy? love and hugs :hug:
Armee, I appreciate your insight. I do see ways I am trying to recreate trauma both at work and with my husband. That really helped me today, so thank you for the offering.
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San, yes, I appreciate your anger. I am realizing that I am telling myself this story that I am not good at this and letting the perception of others change how I see myself. I found my way back a bit today. I think what's been eating at me is I do want to improve how I approach some aspects of my work. I also want people to understand and accept that autism and CPTSD mean my brain works differently and that isn't necessarily a bad thing.
.........
I really did not care for myself well today. Work was too busy and I pushed too hard so now feel ill and have a bad headache. Planning to head to bed soon even though it's barely 6:30 pm. I also plan to take a sick day on Friday because this week has been too much.
I am feeling grateful that my husband took initiative to buy and prepare dinner tonight. It wouldn't have gone well had I also had to come home and make dinner after this day.
I think I found some ways today to feel a bit more confident about my work.
I hope I can take better care tomorrow.
I hope you feel better soon. (I sent you a PM.)
Thank you Not Alone - sleeping did help and today was better than I initially worried it would be.
.........
I have a lot of conflicting emotions.
I gave a presentation that I've been working on for 3 months. It went well. I am feeling a bit triggered from doing it as I am sure some people didn't like it, one of them being my colleague I share a school with. I think the presentation was the right thing to do, but I really put myself out there. Overall I feel good for it.
I am feeling sad and scared about my cat. I am taking her to the vet tomorrow. She has check ups about every 6 months now and the last few weeks she has been off. She is having these moments where she starts moving really slowly and often shaking that scare the heck out of me. I am scared because I can't explain or understand what is happening. I also don't like taking her to the vet generally and am worried about being able to handle the appointment.
I took the day off from work tomorrow both because this week has been long and also I know that the vet appointment will take a lot out of me.
This day has been full even without work. Vet, laundry, groceries. Those things are still work and sometimes I overwhelmed by how many "jobs" I actually work. Today we also renewed the lease on our apartment because a house hasn't worked out.
My cat had yeast growing in her ears which I think might explain her recent weird moments. I did not enjoy my experience at the vet today. The vet tech got very short with me because I wasn't responding to questions as she expected and it was a learning moment of things I need in order to participate my best. We don't need to go back for a while so hopefully next time I can feel more prepared.
My husband had a doctor appointment today to talk about his mood. His doctor identified that it is most likely Seasonal Affective Disorder. I am not sure that where we currently live will work in the long term given the grayness. I like living here and also if it isn't working for him I am willing to relocate. I am grateful that as of yet he has not suggested returning to his hometown (which in my opinion is almost as gray weather wise as where we live). As long as we work together, I am willing to find a living situation where we both feel at home.
I am pretty worn out from today. I feel like a nomad as it is and am always eager to experience a new place. Perhaps that won't be what we do. I think I do need to take care to make sure I am saying what I truly feel and not just keeping the peace.
there are light reflectors especially made for SAD, rainy, in case he wants to look into one of those before thinking of moving.
i'm very glad to hear you feel like you're coming more into your own now in spite of what/who you've had to work with. keep fighting for yourself - you're the best! love and hugs :hug:
I appreciate the support and perspective San. :hug:
...........
There are 9 total weeks left in the school year. I think about in terms of Mondays because once I get going for the week I have momentum.
This weekend has been ok. I am noticing that I am obsessing less and seeming more present. My right shoulder continues to be tense and I do react for that. I keep waiting for the day it stops feeling that way and perhaps it won't. There are some things that occupy my thoughts more than others as usual.
I do feel very vulnerable for how vulnerable I was during the presentation at work last week. I believe in putting myself out there but also it often doesn't go well in the long run. That is making me not want to face tomorrow.
I think there was more I thought I would write about but this feels enough for now.
it shows great courage, rainy, to put yourself out there and be vulnerable. i'm proud of you, if that's ok to say. well done, you!!! keep up the good work, ok? and keep taking care of you. love and hugs :hug:
I hope it went well today, Rainy
Thank you San and Armee. Of course I give more energy and thought to me than anyone else does. :whistling:
..........
I am drained. I am not sure how I will get through the last months of the school year. I've been playing a jigsaw puzzle game on my phone and it is reminding me "One piece at a time."
Today was fine. I desire connection and am not sure how or where to get it.
I am worried about tomorrow. I used to get so much enjoyment and energy at being at my second school....and through a series of events, I don't anymore. I am seeing what I haven't been willing to see which is many things but also that my colleague who I share a caseload with isn't particularly nice.
She has a lot of experience. And I will say she has helped me navigate being new. But I have outgrown her and now I see how she tries to control everything and everyone. She is mean and in a way that others don't see. She always says "Old dog, I don't do new tricks."
I have offered multiple times over the school year to take more students off her caseload. She loves talking about how many students she has, but has consistently not taken me up on my offer. Knowing her, part of it is she probably feels like she is "helping" me - which makes me mad because I wouldn't offer to take more kids if I couldn't handle it. It isn't her choice and her actions make me feel small.
So, over the past several weeks I decided I am giving less time there and each day something happens that reinforces this is the right decision. Today I received an email today that another student I work with at that school left (it is a school on a military base). I am going to reduce my time there to one day.
It feels scary to me to establish boundaries with her. But in truth she doesn't treat me with respect. Her comments about the way I work with kids are mean. I have opinions about how she works with kids but I don't say anything about it.
I am feeling like I need to explain myself to her. She sort of gets this wounded air. And I need to resist that. Because I don't need to explain myself. I also really want to tell my boss what is going on, but they are all blinded by her 30 years of experience and how well she presents herself to others. I think I want to tell my boss because I need someone to see what I see so I feel less like I'm "making it up."
It's very triggering to me to have experiences that others "don't believe." I think all I can do is have my boundaries, do my best, and hang on for 9 more weeks.
QuoteIt's very triggering to me to have experiences that others "don't believe." I think all I can do is have my boundaries, do my best, and hang on for 9 more weeks.
i think you're absolutely correct, rainy. i think it's wonderful you're establishing boundaries, as well as recognizing how people can be mean and excuse it by 'don't do new tricks'. in my mind, it's invaluable to us as people to continue learning and growing as long as we can. keep going, rainy. 9 more weeks, and we'll be counting down w/ you. love and hugs :hug:
Not being believed is a huge trigger for me also.
Your coworker's statement of "old dog, I don't do new tricks," is arrogant and foolish. She is basically stating that she is not willing to learn and grow. That is not helpful to her students or anyone else.
I appreciate the words and perspectives San & Not Alone. It helped me stand firm (at least firmish) today. It was helpful to consider how arrogant her attitude is. I also know that underneath it all she has her own stuff.
.........
Today ended up being less intense than I thought it would be which I am grateful for.
I am still feeling upset about my colleague. She acknowledged my schedule change and then mentioned how the school just got two more kids. I feel an unspoken implication I am not doing enough that I can't figure out the source of.
If she needs me to take more kids, pretty sure she is capable of asking. I feel like I have provided a lot of openings and she has never taken me up on it. Yet I still blame myself. I blame myself for not saying the right words or doing the right thing. When the reality is my colleague is doing this to herself.
Having heard her talk, I think some of it is that she feels like as a more experienced person in the district, she needs to "protect" me as a newer person. And yet, she has never asked if I want that.
So I am trying to not feed into this anymore. I am no longer charmed by her and really am trying to tell her less. She is also someone that collects information. And yet offers none of herself. She also always tells me how she goes onto her own island in the summer which means she doesn't want anyone from work to talk to her in the summer. So whatever "relationship" I felt I had is one sided. It feels like a power imbalance. I've fallen into this trap time and time again with people like her - I don't need this.
This is also hard and it hurts. I feel so terrible at building relationships with others. I am seeing that it isn't all on me.
I need something but don't really know what it is. Perhaps a lot of self compassion.
Today was mostly ok but I am exhausted by relationships and trying to interpret others. Trying to remember that it isn't all on me to interpret what others mean and if they don't say it directly, I don't need to worry so much.
Last night I slept the entire night. That is such a rare thing. I did have really intense dreams and have been for several days now. I hope my brain gives it a rest because the dreams have left me feeling unsettled.
This morning I am really getting in touch with feeling so sad and so much grief in how difficult relationships with other people are.
:hug:
You're very thoughtful Rainy. I think a lot of people don't even think or care about the relationships around them. It shows such wonderful things about you that you think and care about this.
well done for recognizing that power imbalance, rainy. it's there, no doubt. you're right, she can ask or she can play the martyr. it's not your job to take care of her. love and hugs :hug:
Quote from: rainydiary on April 20, 2023, 01:34:19 PM
This morning I am really getting in touch with feeling so sad and so much grief in how difficult relationships with other people are.
I feel this, rainy. I am standing with you.
Armee, thank you. I appreciate this thought and it brings me comfort.
.....
San, thank you. I am still deeply uncomfortable and unsettled yet also willing to let this play out a bit.
.....
Bach, thank you, I feel your support.
.........
Before I get lost in my current emotion, I did have a validating conversation with a colleague at work and she was supportive of me.
My husband and I just had a really intense conversation. I want to cry but am also amped up.
We toured a house today. I liked it a lot. I think he liked it too, but starts to get so obsessed about the money. And I just pick up this general sense of dissatisfaction from him which truthfully has been present since we moved away from his hometown 8 years ago.
This evening we started discussing making an offer. I said that I am wondering if the other offers we've made (which ultimately were not competitive in the market we are in) were self-sabotaging. I think I wanted to have a deeper conversation and raise things that needed to be said.
That opened a can of worms. And I think the conversation we had was one that was much needed.
We are stuck and we are not ok. I am not sure I've processed what we talked about, but I think we experience our disconnect differently. Ultimately, if I understood him correctly, I think we do want the same thing - to feel at home and like we are living our life. I did ask him what "living life" meant to him and he wasn't able to answer. I'm not really able to answer that either right now.
I think our move took a toll and it is taking a long time to recover from it. We are both unsettled and expressing that in different ways.
I hope that conversation will shift things. Right now though I feel drained.
rainy, moving is one of the most draining, exhausting, time-consuming, energy-sapping things i know of. i think it's fair to say you and your H could still be feeling the effects of your previous moves, especially if he didn't like leaving his hometown. best to you in finding a place you're both content and satisfied with.
and i'm very glad to hear you had a pos. conversation w/ a colleague. yay!!! love and hugs :hug:
Thank you San - I hadn't considered feeling the impacts of previous moves. I moved all the time growing up and am not sure I'm over that either. I appreciate your support.
.........
I am sitting at work and wanting to be at home. But I missed last Friday and the kids I see on Fridays notice when I miss them. I am just not giving energy to doing more than is needed right now.
I did not sleep well last night. I kept waking up and I felt too warm. I think some of my disinterest in work today is being tired.
We did end up making an offer on the house. We'll see if they accept our terms. I am at a point where I don't even know what it would be like to have an offer accepted and simply expect that we will be rejected. We offered what we can live with and that is all we can do.
I am still unsettled by the conversation with my husband yesterday. This morning we acknowledged that we had needed to talk. But we are in uncharted area and it feels yucky right now.
I'm sure that the impact of all that moving throughout your life is huge. It seems like it should be easier each time (practice makes perfect), but I don't think it really works that way. I think it's another one of those things that affect the nervous system in ways that don't have an obvious presentation but which linger.
I wish you the very best to get a house you can make home :hug:
Thank you Bach - I have not thought much about the long term impact of all the moving I've done but seem to be feeling the impact now. It is something to reflect on more. I appreciate your support.
..........
Well, my husband and I somehow lucked out and are now under contract for a house.
This will make the next month rather eventful.
This feels like a good thing and I am excited for this house.
What great news, rainy, I'm so happy for you! Best of luck with the process going forward.
Cheering for you!! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Congratulation!
Thank you Bach, Moondance, and Armee. I am still feeling very excited. We have an inspection scheduled for tomorrow and I hope that goes smoothly.
..........
I am feeling heavy as Sunday closes and the prospect of Monday arrives.
I have 8 more weeks of work until a long break. I don't feel like showing up anymore.
I have a lot of emotions and even though I am excited at the prospect of having my own house, this is going to be another transition that will require a lot.
I am trying to take it one step at a time.
I hope this work week ends up being a bit lighter than you are fearing.
I so get not feeling like showing up anymore. Back from times when I worked more than I do now.
Thank you BB - today was an interesting start to the week but now that it's going I usually have enough momentum to get through the week. I appreciate your support.
.........
Today was in some ways a lot and in others not.
I only went to work for a few hours today and could have just stayed home given how many kids were absent this morning. I needed to go in so I could get my computer. I am also glad I did because a colleague initiated a conversation for collaboration and I had a few things I could do. I'm also glad I wasn't there all day.
Today was the day that lots of people related to home buying started pestering - title company and lender specifically. So many forms to sign and things to do.
I went home early from work so I could be at our home inspection with my husband. The last time we bought a home I did very little in the process. At that time, I didn't understand myself well and wouldn't have missed work for anything. Now I realize that sometimes I just don't need to be at work. And that my husband and I can help each other navigate all the house buying processes.
The inspection was fine I suppose. They didn't find anything that seemed super concerning or anything to walk away from. A few things that probably should be fixed. My husband and I will meet with our realtor on Thursday to discuss responding to the inspection. This will give us time to review the report and think about our response.
I am extremely over this school year. 8 more weeks to go until a long break.
I hope to sleep better tonight than I did last night. I sleep but sometimes not enough. I had a lot of difficult remembrances of the past today. I listened to a podcast today about autistic burnout that was helpful to my understanding of myself.
I sure hope you have a peaceful, restful sleep and that you feel somewhat rested after a long sleep, long for you I mean. 😴
Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
Thank you, Moondance, I appreciate your support.
...........
I did not sleep well last night. I was too warm and had trouble settling.
I made it to work today but would rather not be here. I have a meeting after school that it would cause more problems for me to not attend.
I am not sure how I am going to get through this day.
hey, rainy, with you as you trudge thru the day, a helping hand if you need it to support you so you can make it.
congrats on finding a house. but, ugh, for the moving bit. i'm glad you were able to be more present for this one.
hope you have better sleep tonight. love and hugs :hug:
:sunny:
:hug:
San and Moondance, I appreciate your care. I read the messages while at work and it was helpful.
........
Well I made it through the day but feel so drained.
I had a really difficult sensory experience at work that caught me off guard. Some colleagues planned to hold a joint session with a student that is a wheelchair user. The student's parent came and brought their young child. They all burst into my work area and the sound and sheer overwhelm of it set me off. I actually cried. And the worst part felt like they had no awareness that they were disturbing me. My colleague that I have ups and downs with checked in with me and talked to them.
I was able to advocate for myself about a meeting I had after school. I emailed the leader to ask if I could share my report first as I wasn't feeling well. I should have stayed home today but needed to go to be part of that meeting. She actually honored my request and I was able to get home a lot earlier than I was expecting.
That said being at home right now isn't restful. There was loan application stuff to do, some of which I can't finish because I need the person that sent the information to clarify some things for me. Plus the overall home buying process is feels overwhelming and feels like it is so easy to make a giant mistake and be taken advantage of.
I hope sleep feels better tonight. Some of the issue is hormones. Plus stress. Plus healing. Plus being a person not made for the world I am trying to navigate.
Hi Rainydiary,
That experience sounds really horrible, and very disturbing. I'm sorry that they didn't realise how they had impacted on your space and I hope that you're feeling a bit better by the time you read this.
It's good that you successfully advocated for yourself regarding that meeting. That's really good.
I hope you got some restful sleep.
:hug:
Hope :)
Thank you, Hope - I appreciate you checking in.
..........
I am starting in the day in a dark place.
I didn't sleep well again. Stress is high. My husband's stress is high also and I find the way he manages his stress so difficult because it feels like the emotional load is on me.
I am struggling to find relief.
So so sorry you are feeling so stressed. Hope some relief will come today and a better sleep tonight.
I send you a comforting hug, one that makes you feel cared for and carried for a bit.
:hug:
hey, rainy, offering a shoulder for you to lean on. all this stress can only be exhausting. plus that incident at work. i totally get why it would cause those tears to flow. here's hoping for some restful sleep. love and hugs :hug:
Sending wishes for restful sleep and a calm tomorrow :hug:
Moondance, I appreciate the care and support. It was helpful. :hug:
.....
San, thank you. I appreciate your support and understanding....I may need some more of it after sharing my update. :doh:
.....
Bach, I appreciate the wish. :hug:
..........
I survived the day and feel less overwhelmed. I am realizing it is relatively new for my husband to actually tell me when he is having a hard time. So I am needing to learn some new ways of being in relationship to that.
I am feeling shame too. Sometimes to fit in at work, I join in talking crap about other people. It is mean and I wish I had held my tongue today. It is important that I noticed that and hopefully can extend some kindness to myself and be more mindful next time.
Tomorrow we are meeting with our realtor to discuss how we want to respond to our inspection. There are a few things eating at us that aren't necessarily deal breakers. But there is so much uncertainty with this process even though folks will act like it is a done deal.
What a week it's been.
Home buying is very stressful as is navigating gossip and relationships.
Hi Rainy,
You are dealing with a lot and although it feels difficult and stressful, it serms to me you are adapting, you are learning and you are doing it, your going through it which I admire you for and I think it's amazing.
Please give yourself a lot of credit, okay well give yourself some credit if a lot is too much. :)
My intention is definitely not too minimize what you are going through. Just want to recognize how brave you are whilst going through it.
:bighug:
Thank you Armee and Moondance. :hug:
........
I did sleep a little better last night. I am fading as the day goes on.
We have a meeting with our realtor later so I am trying to just take it easy to save energy.
Something different is eating at me. My school district has some summer classes and one of the classes this year will be about autism. I signed up for it because I am curious to hear what will be said.
I am also already deeply stressed about it. Given what I know about the person leading the class, I have serious misgivings about it because of her specific training and perspective. I think the way she is going to talk about autism is going to be very harmful. It upsets me so much that she is leading this.
So I'm trying to decide if I actually want to go. Part of me thinks it could be helpful to hear and use it as a starting point. But if it is just going to upset me, why would I do that myself?
I posed this question in a Facebook group I'm in and regret doing so. I imagine no one is going to respond and I worry I will come across as lame.
Also just feeling a bit overwhelmed and triggered by some things I've seen happen to students today. Seriously making me question why I work where I do.
Your feelings about the autism class are valid. You have some time to process and decide if attending is best for you.
Congratulations on the house. I know that buying the house comes with a lot of stresses though.
Thank you Not Alone. Even though I feel foolish for the post I made on social media, I think it made me see that if I feel this terrible about something that hasn't happened yet and that deep down I know is going to be too upsetting to be part of, I should choose a different class. There aren't many that appeal to me, but there is one that may be a good option. I would potentially learn something new.
If I am honest, some of what is upsetting is that I feel like some of the course offerings are a direct result of some of my openness and honesty. I would be happy to run a class, but won't be asked. It eats at me even though I know that my perspective isn't the only perspective. But, if I am making an impact, then I can continue to do so in my way.
..........
Today my husband and I met with our realtor to respond to the inspection we had done. There were some things that need to be done by law and some that are important to address. The seller has three days to respond. Hopefully we will continue to reach agreement.
I have no interest in going to work tomorrow. I'm not clear what my current balance is (my workplace is so old school and doesn't have online systems that work to show us our leave balances) and want to save some time for closer to the end of the school year when I really don't need to be there. I like my Friday student schedule so will try to focus on that.
Another night of not enough sleep.
I can only find temporary relief. I'm not sure what I can do to care for myself better right now.
:hug: :hug:
gentle hugs, Rainy. Wishing the best for you regarding the realtor and that class topic. May things go as smoothly as possible.
:hug:
Thank you BB. :hug:
.....
Thank you CF - I wasn't able to change it today like I thought I would be. I had added the class I thought of switching to before and deleted it. Hopefully I can figure out how to make the switch. :doh:
.....
Thank you Not Alone. :hug:
.........
Well, I made it today.
I am exhausted and have huge bags under my eyes. I hope I can get my sleep back on track.
What's been happening is I'll fall asleep ok and then I will wake up around 2 a.m. and my brain will not stop. With the pressure to get up before work to exercise, I then haven't been able to relax enough into sleep or to feel rested. My brain is also processing all the things going on and that will come. Our apartment airflow is not great so it is too warm for me to sleep. And the house buying process doesn't help.
Today was ok. I realized I only have 5 more Fridays with the kids I see on Fridays. That made me a little sad. 7 more weeks and then I hope for a fresh start.
We are waiting to hear what the seller made of our requests following our inspection. It's annoying because some parts of this process are putting pressure on when the deal could fall through still. It seems like the seller wants to sell their house as they are moving out of state. Hopefully they will take care of it. Waiting to hear is difficult.
I hear and relate to the stress of work and housing waking you in the middle of the night and not being able shut your brain off. I also don't sleep well when I'm too warm. You really need a break and it is so hard when you aren't even getting that at night.
the shoulder is still here, rainy, whenever you want to use it.
a lot has happened since i've been here. so very sorry about the sleep thing - i hope that gets resolved and you can get some rest. you do have a lot of stuff on your mind, which might be interfering.
i did the 'office politics' things, too, and got called on it by my supervisor. i also thought it would help me 'fit in', but, like you, i ended up w/ a bad taste in my mouth about it. it was a learning experience in the end. sometimes we have to make mistakes in order to learn from them.
i think the dynamics you're experiencing about the autism class seem to come from various angles - you don't trust the speaker, you think this may be a product of you speaking up about it, and you think you may be distressed by what you hear. i've been to seminars re: my own professional work, have spoken up when i didn't agree w/ what was being said, was talked down on the subject, but held my ground in my head, and continued to work w/ my charges the way that worked best for them. by the by, surprisingly, after the seminar, another participant came up to me and thanked me for speaking up, said she believed the same as i, and it was good for her to hear it from me.
unfortunately, since my perspective clashed w/ the speaker's perspective, i didn't get a whole lot out of it except for required CEU's. but i did get validation for my perspective from the other participant, so that felt really good and helped me know i wasn't nuts for thinking the way i did. so, i agree, rainy, do what you think is best for you. love and hugs
Not Alone, I appreciate your understanding. I think a lot of things are coming together at once. I am feeling better today although things are still stressful. Today I feel like I can handle it.
.....
San, I appreciate the support and perspective. I think what I say makes a difference yet I feel frustrated at how big this "problem" is. For instance, last week I said something about autism to a colleague and her perspective is that it is a form of mental illness. *sigh* It is not. I think I am coming to the conclusion that I can't go to that training. I will find other ways to speak up. It won't be worth worrying about all summer. I dreamed last night that I stood up to colleagues about autism, so I know it is deeply on my mind.
...........
I am ok and also feeling unsettled.
I am feeling better with my sleep. A lot of it was external factors and also how my body is responding to menstruation these days.
This morning I am unsettled because my husband shared he is feeling anxious.
I am trying to remain grateful that at least he is now telling me. But it does send me into an EF.
I start rehashing all the narratives (especially about his family) which doesn't help me feel easier. I do think overall this is a positive in that he is coming more into his own, but it scares me so much.
I have started more directly sharing with him things I've tried that help me. Ultimately he is going to have to figure that out for himself.
I didn't intend such a quick update, but a lot has happened in the past several hours and I need to get things out of my brain.
In terms of the house buying, the sellers agreed to fix the items we requested based on our inspection. Given that, I ordered the appraisal that our lender needs done. I may have been overly direct with our realtor about a specific item that needs to be done for the appraisal but I am also tired of her sunshine approach. This deal is not done until we physically have keys in our hands.
Some of the reason I am on edge is that my husband told me his parents decided to visit in August. They selected dates when I will be starting work again for the next school year. This happens like clockwork when they visit in August. They don't ask if dates work, then act put out when I can't rearrange my schedule to be available to participate in whatever scheme they cook up. Honestly, I am grateful I have work as an excuse to not be super available.
The frustration and upset I was feeling earlier is amplified by this. I have a feeling they are visiting in August because it my husband's birthday. Birthdays are a huge thing to them all and also times I hate being around them the most (it is always filled with upset and meanness). But also, for me this also causes an EF because of past experiences with when my husband is feeling low and his parents "swooping in" to "save the day."
It is the anticipation of their arrival that I dread the most. I am trying to stay present with what is going on. What is going on is:
1. I had been hoping to celebrate my husband's birthday and now it will be co-opted by them (probably because I don't "celebrate" right....maybe they can't teach me how it's done. *eye roll*).
A solution I've thought of is that I suggest he and I take a trip this fall/winter to celebrate as we are both turning 40 this year.
2. I don't trust them. Not only do they remind me of my own childhood trauma because there are so many echoes in how they treat me and my husband to my own parents, but they have done things specifically to me that I do not forget. They make me feel small and like a child.
A solution is perhaps I can write out or visualize myself as bigger and stronger and the one in charge of myself. The reality is that when we are in the same room, I am reminded how small they actually are in terms of how they act.
3. My husband and I are on shaky ground as it is as we navigate forward differently in our relationship. Their presence and influence threatens that because I truly believe they ultimately want our marriage to fail so that they can "have their son back."
This doesn't have an easy solution. My husband and I have made tentative plans and are working to make adjustments based on a conversation we had several weeks ago. In that conversation he emphasized that I am the most important to him. In the past that hasn't exactly been the case. It seems like he is finally doing some work to separate from his family.
All of this is too much right now. I have more pressing matters than the ongoing drama my in-laws present in my life.
rainy :hug:
Bach, I appreciate the care. :hug:
........
Whew I was more upset today than I realized.
I am home now and am still not sure I'm ok, but at least I can rest now with my cat.
Today at work I did change the course I'm going to do this summer. I picked a course that will be recorded in advance that I can do on my own pace. I'm not as interested in the topic, but perhaps I will learn something.
I am still struggling with my emotions that the mere mention of my in-laws brings up. Part of it is the emotion it brings up about my husband.
There is still work to do with all this....but first I have to pull myself together to start packing.
I thought you were wise to break down the reasons that your in-laws upcoming visit is upsetting you and then thinking of possible solutions.
You have a whole lot going on in your life.
Hi Rainy,
I think it's understandable that you feel all those things relating to your in-laws, and you analysis and working through the points was so good - I read everything you wrote and related to quite a few of the things you said within it. I find family relationships - both between direct family members and in-laws to be especially triggering, and I appreciated reading what you wrote about it. I thought your potential solutions were great too.
Sending you a supportive hug :hug: and I hope that your packing goes ok. I agree with Not Alone that you have such a whole lot going on in your life right now.
Hope :)
Thank you Not Alone - I appreciate the care and support.
.....
Hope, I am grateful you checked in and I appreciate your support.
.........
I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face.
I am tempted to stay home today from work but that again would feel more stressful. I did opt to not work out today because I don't feel 100% myself.
The reason I am crying is that while my in-laws do irk me, the real issue continues to be the feelings and conflict evoked in my relationship to my husband.
I am crying because I am seeing the protective layers I created around my heart and mind in the wake of his brother's death which haven't fallen away.
I expect my husband to abandon me. That is the thing that eats at me. I expect him to leave.
He feels this conflict between what his parents expect of him and his desire to be my husband. There are things I do that likely make that even harder for him. And yet I see him in pain and want to help.
I hate his parents for the pain they cause him - begging him to move back "home", implying that he is "missing out" by not being there, etc.
I also am angry at my husband for putting on me things that are his own fault. It isn't my fault that he feels like he has no friends, that he works from home and feels disconnected from where we live.
He has been raised to believe that the only place he can be a full human is his hometown. I disagree and again hate his family for putting that on him. I also am trying to not take on his need for growth.
I am often bothered by the parallels I see in his family dynamic and how they highlight dynamics of my own family. In many ways I can see it easier in his family than in my own. So, when he can't see what his parents are doing, I can't completely get upset because I didn't see what my parents did and are doing for so long.
I can be content with myself and with my life regardless of what is going on with my husband. It is harder when he acts in immature ways. I hope that I find a way to feel the need to protect my heart less from him. But that is where I am right now.
:bighug: If that's okay.
It must be so difficult witnessing these conversations, coupled with feeling such deep emotions and then recalling your own family dynamics and all the emotions tied to that.
I don't know the backstory to this post, but I relate to in-laws being difficult and it's a very difficult position to be in. I don't have anything useful to say, but I read your words and I sympathise with your struggles.
I couldn't say it better than Bermuda. Sitting with you Rainy. This is all very hard. :grouphug:
:bighug:
Bermuda, Armee, San - thank you for your support and comfort. I felt so ridiculous after my last entry and appreciate that you checked in and provided words that helped me.
.........
I am feeling comfort in my arrival home after work. Today was a full day and I thought so many times about heading home early or not going to work at all.
When I arrived home, my cat was perched on the back of the couch. My husband told me that she was waiting for me to get home at my usual time (I got home later than I prefer). She began meowing at him and sat by the door waiting for me.
She seems to be feeling so much better since her last vet visit and the medication to help her ears not be filled with yeast. Her happiness will be set back a bit once we start packing up our apartment this weekend.
My husband also handled dinner for us today which was a huge help. It definitely eased my load and made for a comfortable evening.
I feel shame when I get so overwhelmed by my relationship to my husband and the ongoing yuck with his family. I feel shame mostly because I wonder if I am a fool and if I made a mistake. I also feel shame for expecting perfection from another person. We are trying and yet also sometimes I just want to remove the complication of dealing with this.
I feel like I should take a day off this week. I am experiencing a lot of guilt for some reason in just taking the time. The school year is rapidly winding down and I hate to miss time with students. And yet, there is so much crammed into the end of the year already in addition to the house buying I am also doing.
We are still waiting on the appraisal of the home we are planning to buy. We are closer but still far out.
Hi Rainydiary,
I'm glad your cat is feeling better, and I'm also glad your husband did the evening meal, that's helpful.
Wishing you the best for today. :hug:
Hope :)
Hi Hope, I appreciate the wish. :hug:
........
Taking a moment before heading to work to write an entry.
I am noticing some things.
I am tired which has many roots. Too much going on and only momentary relief.
My husband's demeanor this morning was triggering. I realize it is triggering on multiple levels. One is back to childhood and never being able to read or understand my parents' demeanor but spending so much energy trying to make sure I was "acting right." The other level is triggering things in our own life together that result when he is feeling low.
I am feeling really annoyed by feeling so put out by his outward appearance. I know I will probably worry on it most of the day. It is also annoying me because it reminds me of his family - this is how they get attention from each other by pulling a long face and moping. And then I get annoyed with myself for responding in an annoyed manner just like my parents would have.
I want to run away and escape and hide. Things are in motion that need to play out and all I can do is try to be compassionate toward myself and take one step at a time.
Good grief. Day starting off with my husband telling me that one of his uncles died. Of course. Why would things ease up a bit right now?
I do not mean to sound callous. I am sorry for his uncle and for his aunt. I am also sorry for any pain my husband may be feeling. My challenge is that now this will throw my husband into more chaos. The way his family handles death is overwhelming to me. I predict that he will either tell me he is planning to fly home soon or will spend the next several weeks wracked with guilt because he opts to not go because we are in a busy time in our own lives right now.
This also comes after last night getting home from work to be told that his mom was trying to plan a trip for us all to go on. I could not handle that suggestion, so countered with "We'll go spend Christmas with them." Of course this was readily agreed to. So now I have the worry about spending Christmas with these people.
I am just trying to get through this time. I am so stressed I feel like I cannot bear it.
I'm sorry your H's family seem to be encroaching on you and your space atm.
Blueberry, thank you for validating that. I hate how out of control it makes me feel and wish it didn't bother me so much.
.........
I am at work waiting for an annoying meeting to start. I often think on how I force myself to do things for work yet don't give myself space to do things at home.
I hope my husband hasn't stored up a bunch of stuff about his family to unload on me when I get home. But for now I feel better and ok. I did tell my husband I feel like every aspect of my life right now is stressful and I cannot seem to care for myself. I would imagine he feels similar.
My issue is that while I cannot handle the demands and expectations and behavior of his family, I also really struggle over my husband's choices. Over time he has generally prioritized our family over his family of origin. But a deep part of me feels like he will never get past feeling like he must always do what they want regardless of the impact it has on him and on us.
We did accomplish some tasks today that give more shape to the next month which I think helps - purchased some boxes to begin packing, set up movers and thus a moving date, and purchased home owners insurance. These are things that could be undone if our appraisal ends up not working out.
I didn't see many students today and I think having a relatively low demand day at work helped. There have been irritations at work, but I've generally had space to myself. I would like to go home and am not even certain the meeting on my calendar is even going to happen.
I wanted to reflect on something I noticed during my meeting.
I noticed how ways of communicating and being open that I have modeled were being used.
I hated every minute of being in that meeting but it was positive to know that I matter and am noticed.
:grouphug:
The work you do to speak up and speak out is really important, and it's important that you are being noticed and valued.
I'm sorry that your in laws are encroaching on your life again and for the trigger of death in Hs family.
Hi Rainy,
I really honed in on your comment that you've noticed how ways of communicating and being open that you have modeled were being used.
That's impressive!
On a personal note: I have found it to be true that when I open up, people around me begin to open up also. It's as if 99% of all people are holding the same secrets, and at least half of us are looking for a chance to open up, but we worry it's not safe to be honest to that level. I believe that most people feel like they're the only one who doesn't understand what's happening around them, so almost everyone is hiding their thoughts and confusion so they won't look dumb--especially during work meetings where each of us worries about our jobs if we show that we're confused. And when just one of us admits that we're confused or scared or frustrated at something/someone, it starts to give people permission to open up too. I often open up and then hear someone in the room say, "Thank you! I thought I was the only one who was confused." From there, REAL communication is unleashed, and the meetings take on a whole other level of affectiveness.
If you're seeing people opening up because of you, then you are doing it right. That's gotta feel good, even though the meeting was not fun. When people emulate you, that's quite a compliment.
Again, I believe we, the people who survive trauma the way we did here with C-PTSD, are the good people on this earth. The bad ones get abused as kids and choose to become abusive adults. The good people who are abused as kids become caring adults. It's more noble to deal with our pain internally than it is to push it onto others. Becoming the next bully is easy. Becoming someone who teaches others how to open up is a noble task. It's more work. It's important. It takes strong adults to do what we do.
I'm impressed by your report that others are emulating your open communication style.
To be honest, I'm not sure if my response is on target or not. I might have misunderstood what you said, and I'm tempted to delete this post. Instead of deleting it because I worry I'm off target, I'll just say that I'm worried I misunderstood what you said, but what I wrote may still have some value. I'm going to post this response, even though I'm worried it makes me look confused.
Hoping for renewed strength and rest for you Rainydiary and not necessarily in that order. Lol
:bighug: if okay
Armee, I appreciate the support. So many opposing forces right now.
.....
PC, yes, you interpreted what I wrote as I meant. I appreciate your support and perspective. I want to keep trying to be me as much as possible. It is when I am me that people notice.
.....
Moondance, I appreciate the care. :hug:
.........
I am exhausted today.
A big relief is that our home buying process continues to move forward. Our appraisal came in at our purchase price. We have everything as set as we can right now.
My husband and I started packed up some things today. Moving is such a difficult process.
I think in-law stuff is temporarily on hold. I am still upset about so many things. These are things I've been upset about for a long time and may not be things I ever sort out.
Some of why I feel exhausted is I have zero motivation left for work. There is one person in particular that is stressing me beyond my ability to cope. I need them to leave me alone. Their chaos in how they work is taking a toll.
I still have 6 weeks of work. Most of that will go by fast given our moving and house buying process.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel for some things.
Feeling especially stressed right now.
I simply do not want to go to work tomorrow.
I'm so sorry Rainydiary for all the stress in your life right now. I so wish for it subside for you.
This is so hard to be under all this stress.
Where you able to find out about any time you may have coming to you? You had mentioned that in a prior post. If applicable even a day or might be helpful to you.
:bighug: if okay
I appreciate the support, Moondance. At this point taking a day off feels like it would be harder than not. I will take a day off for us to move. Perhaps there will a day of two I can also find. Being at home isn't restful so part of me would just rather go to work.
..........
This day is starting off a bit rough. I forgot my noise blocking ear muffs at home. My workspace is really going to challenge me even more today as a result.
My husband also opened up again about his struggles. He indicated he would like to speak to his doctor again.
I am really triggered and scared by him right now. This is flashing me back to about 10 years ago when we went through a similar time. The outcome of that was we went back to his hometown which resolved his emotional turmoil but made my life a living nightmare.
The challenge I have is that from the outside, it looks like his family is putting a ton of pressure on him to move home. He was raised to believe that the place he was born and raised is the best place on earth and that unless he lives there, it is bad.
Right now it seems like he feels like he is caught. He knows I will not live there again. And yet he wants to please his family. Again from the outside, they will never be pleased and it is also messed up the way they act.
He had a video call with them yesterday because it is his niece's birthday (interesting that she is my niece too but I don't feel a connection). On the call, the usual trying to get him to stay longer and essentially telling him he needs to come "home" ensued.
I cried after listening to that. He spends all day here feeling bad and the moment he talks to them, he lights up in a way that he doesn't for me. Yesterday I really felt how much energy I put into hoping he will change in his relationship to his family. It never happens and I am always disappointed and hurt. It especially hurts because he doesn't see that what they do is mean and nasty.
I currently have no place where I feel like I act right. In many ways, I finally feel ok with myself and am trying to find how I want to be in relationship with others.
My husband is going to have to decide what he wants. I am somewhat dreading that we are buying a house. Prior to this I made a lot of suggestions that we not do that and that if he wants to be in his hometown, then he should go.
It is possible this time around things will work out differently. Perhaps he will finally start facing and confronting what underlies the depression and anxiety he feels.
But I am still scared. Will I continue to be able to count on him? I don't know.
rainy, your situation with your H and his family, sounds so difficult and painful, especially with the added pressure of buying a house. I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best :hug:
Bach, I appreciate the words and care. :hug:
.........
Exhausted but made it. 6 weeks left until I have a long break.
We did accomplish some steps toward moving today.
I am recognizing that I was probably in an EF this morning. I have built up the story of my husband and his family to a level that I easily get swept away in it.
Since my husband is telling me more now, I can try to take what he is saying without adding a lot of color to it. I do that because in the past he didn't communicate with me.
I also need to take care. My stress over my in-laws and how my husband acts isn't from nowhere. There are reasons why I worry about the things I do.
Things continue to be in motion. I hope that when the dust settles we are able to thrive individually and jointly.
:hug:
Thank you San.
.........
I feel more even emotion wise than I have in a while.
On Monday when I really upset, I texted with my mom about my husband. That is always a slippery slope and I sort of regret saying anything. Nothing has happened, but now I know my parents are probably winding themselves up. I have this story that they don't particularly like me and definitely don't like my husband. That is a hard thing to carry.
It's often hard to let things happen differently. It is hard that things are constantly changing. On a podcast I was listening to recently, the guest said something like they had to leave home so that they could become who they really are. That feels true for me too.
Families and, I think, other types of systems of relationships function in certain ways and can put pressure on the people within them to act and be and stay certain ways. I'm not sure that is always bad or always good. But systems often work to maintain themselves and stepping out of that can make things feel uncertain and uncomfortable.
I feel like my husband's family especially wants things to be like they were. Like they were when I have no idea. I feel really sorry for them. I also don't owe them anything and have to care for myself. I don't mean to hurt my husband, but I don't want to spend my limited time on earth trying to please people that wish I wasn't around because it means my husband isn't their son and brother in the way they want him to be.
Right now we are finding our way back to ourselves. We are having a relatively good week since that bumpy start on Monday. We are both looking forward to our new home and make plans to sleep there as soon as possible (meaning we would rather camp there than to continue to sleep in our apartment before movers come).
I have a lot of doubt and worry I have made a mess with my choice of husband. My parents didn't give me a good foundation for loving relationships. I do see me and my husband growing together. I wish it didn't always feel so hard and so scary.
:wave: Rainydiary,
I am thinking of you and want to say I hear you, I am listening and care.
I also need to take care. My stress over my in-laws and how my husband acts isn't from nowhere. There are reasons why I worry about the things I do.
I have a lot of doubt and worry I have made a mess with my choice of husband. My parents didn't give me a good foundation for loving relationships. I do see me and my husband growing together. I wish it didn't always feel so hard and so scary.
:bighug:
You have a lot of wise insight, Rainy. I'm wishing you peace in navigating this new stage in a new house with your husband, and through the difficult thickets with his family and yours.
ditto moondance and armee, rainy. so much. i hear you about not having been prepared about adult relationships. i've felt that way as well.
i completely get the idea of not wanting to spend time w/ people who are neg. for me. i once visited a friend whose mother i did not get along w/ - this was shown on various occasions. the last time i visited, she and her mother had set up a luncheon for the 3 of us, and i told her i didn't want to go. i used almost the exact words you did - i didn't see any point in spending 2 hrs. w/ someone who doesn't like me.
yeah, those systems want to remain the same because the people who created them want to stay comfortable. they don't like having their boat rocked. too bad, so sad, go suck an egg. your first responsibility is to you. it's a controlling manipulation when they feel uncomfortable w/ people, try to guilt them into doing things their way.
i hope things work out with you and your H and the house. sending love and a hug filled w/ strength and boundaries.
Thank you Moondance, Armee, and San. :hug:
.........
I am sitting at work and wondering why I am here. I will take the opportunity to leave early today.
I am ok mostly. I continue to have ongoing feelings about the concept of families, especially this weekend with Mother's Day.
I am in a weird place waiting to make sure that the sale of the house moves forward and also having made decisions (like breaking our lease) that would make the sale falling through a problem.
I had an experience at the grocery store today that I would like to explore.
I was leaving the store and happened to smile at this person (I believe he would identify as a man).
He said something to me which I thought was "You have beautiful hair." I am sure I gave him a weird look because my initial impression of that was "No I don't."
As I was walking to my car, I realized I think that what he actually said was "You have a beautiful air."
A part of me really likes being told that. Another part feels weird that a stranger felt the need to say something to me.
rainy, i had a similar experience at the market a couple months ago. it was very cold, i was bundled up in a red fluffy scarf around my head and neck, and a man passing by told me i looked nice and warm, told me to keep it up. and then he was gone. i've also had many men during my life, strangers, who would tell me how very sad i looked, to cheer up. yep, strangers just approaching to tell me something about myself.
i never thought it was a bad thing, only how very curious that they noticed something i didn't realize. none of my friends over the years ever told me that. i will give strangers compliments on how they look, what they're wearing, etc. usually it brings a smile from them and a thank you. if you liked being told that, then i'm glad he said something to you. seems like it made your day a bit brighter. :sunny: love and hugs :hug:
I appreciate the perspective San. My heart says it is ok to accept his compliment but I feel like I made a mess of it internally. I posted about in a social media group and some of the comments I got were a bit mean in how I was experiencing. There are just some things I need to keep to myself and not put on social media.
This experience actually reminded of an interaction I witnessed a long time ago at a yoga class. A person there for class said "Nice vibe" to my favorite teacher there. I have always wanted someone to say something like to me and I suppose now I have.
..........
I am having a good day. Things feel good and I am trying to cherish it.
I received a book I preordered a while back today. It is a children's book called A Day With No Words by Tiffany Hammond. It is beautiful and I am glad I ordered it. I can't wait to share it with students.
I had this thought that I want to contact the teachers at my main school and offer to read the book and do a lesson with their class. I am not sure how that would be received but I don't think it would hurt to offer. It might hurt my sensitive heart if folks don't take me up on it. But even if one teacher does (and I know one that probably will), that is a start.
Tomorrow we are going to the movies and are generally feeling a bit relaxed. The next few weeks will be hectic finishing up our home purchase and moving. Plan to try to enjoy the good time as long as it lasts.
Thinking of folks today where it is "Mother's Day."
A few things have already happened to me on this day.
I messaged my mother even though I don't care about this day. I shared my plan for the day and she kind of ruined it with a comment.
Then my dad messaged me to wish me Happy Mother's Day to my cat. I thought it was a really kind gesture yet I am also thrown off because my dad looms so large in my mind as big and mean and scary.
I am also experiencing pain in my left shoulder today. It is possible I hurt myself yesterday when moving stuff and packing boxes. It is just unsettling and usually I feel "pain" in my right shoulder.
rainy, I relate to what you said about your parents not giving you a good foundation for loving relationships. I definitely did not have a single healthy feeling or attitude about loving relationships modelled for me when I was growing up. I have luckily managed to figure out a situation in which enough of my relationship needs are met for me to survive. It's not the situation that I would have chosen, but it's enough, and I often feel that it has worked out better for me than I could have expected given what kind of examples I came from, and what I thought I was looking for. You say that you do see you and your husband growing together. That's a pretty big thing for people like us, so maybe your choice will work out. I hope for that for you.
I appreciate your support, Bach. I often do wonder what the impact of my own stuff has been on my husband. We both have had a lot of growing to do and a lot of days I don't understand why I found this person who is still so wrapped up in the toxicity of their FOO. It makes me feel bad on a number of levels. I feel like I deserve better. And also I wonder how many folks actually get off "easy" in this world.
...........
I am feeling wrung out.
My husband and I watched Guardians of the Galaxy 3. Whoa is it dark and trauma filled and I spent the whole movie crying. I liked it, but was not ready for that. It is going to haunt me moving forward for a number of reasons.
Within less than 30 minutes of being home, the number of encroachments from my in-laws has been more than one. Interestingly, I overheard my MIL say to my husband "Do you have a minute?" She then laughed mostly because it was uncomfortable for her to ask that and also because it didn't actually matter if he had a minute or not. Hearing their voices makes me want to scream.
As I sit with all the feelings that have come up today, I feel lousy. I am questioning myself and my choices and feel hopeless. This will be a day where I hope I can just rest but will mostly be getting through to bed time.
rainy, thanks for the report on GOTG3. i've watched the other 2, thoroughly enjoyed them, but it sounds like i'll skip this one.
if we haven't been given good examples of relationships, there's no way we'd know how to choose a person to be w/ who might be healthy, mature, and stable and is working on their own issues. you didn't stand a chance, as did many of us. we go for what is familiar. my familiar was lack of emotions, and sure enough, those are the ones i picked to live my life w/. and if your H doesn't think he has a problem w/ his family, it's going to be difficult for him to break free. here's hoping, tho. i can feel how difficult it is for you to be around this dynamic. ugh!
sending love and a hug filled w/ support and hope :hug:
San, yes I love the other GOTG and was not ready for this. They give a lot of backstory on Rocket and it was a lot.
I do have some reckoning to do about my inability to accept that my husband is not going to shift in terms of his family. And what that means to me and what I can and cannot live with.
........
Today was a lot but I survived.
I took tomorrow off work to deal with house buying paperwork and most likely to pack.
I hope you can take little breaks tomorrow for some self care. It sounds like a very full day.
Thank you Not Alone - I did have physical breaks today but not sure about mental and emotional. I appreciate your support.
..........
Today wasn't particularly restful. I wasn't expecting it to be. I really don't want to go to work tomorrow. I seriously need this school year to be over.
We signed the closing documents. Some stress because we haven't received an update as to whether the sellers completed the repairs they said they would based on the inspection. We haven't officially closed yet so the sale could fall through still. I hope that isn't the case because we have already broken the lease on our apartment.
We drove by the house today and it still looked like they had a lot of moving to do. There still is over a week left until closing. I am trying to remain hopeful that they will honor their word, but it is really stressful.
So right now still no where I go isn't full of stress and certain things completely out of my control.
argh! those things that are out of our control can really throw a wrench into our own sense of calm, rainy. hang tough, ok? and, for sure, i can't wait till this school year is over for you. you've shown so much courage and determination getting thru it. well done! love and hugs :hug:
Thank you San. I am finding my feet but am sick of other people right now.
.........
TW: mention of transphobia
I am a little shaken. My aunt sent me a transphobic message this morning. I decided to stand up to her and tell her I don't agree. She responded back trying to me she supports trans people but then kept referencing the "news article" she sent me.
A past version of myself would have said nothing but not today.
End TW
Our realtor sent the proof that repairs have been done. So I guess that's good.
I am in such a weird place this morning after that message, my aunt's message, and the very weird dreams I had last night.
I am exhausted and will be heading to bed soon.
Today with my SLP colleagues I felt like the odd one out. I am so open about myself I make others uncomfortable. It is the particular group. There are a few colleagues that don't make me feel that way. Group dynamics are so interesting.
Tomorrow I will be leading a class in the reading of the book I bought. I am going to teach them about autism and I hope the lesson will go well. I'm not used to leading large groups of children so it will be interesting.
I am just trying to keep going right now. I am not really ok but have moments that are ok.
rainy, i hope your lesson goes well. i have no doubt you'll do fine. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you San - I'll share about it soon. :hug:
..........
In one week we should have keys to a new home and hopefully it will be the beginning of feeling more grounded. I haven't forgotten all the in-law stuff and stuff that has always bugged me, but I hope that can continue to be worked through.
Yesterday I taught my lesson to the class (first graders). It felt chaotic to me and it made me appreciate how difficult a job teachers have. I am not used to leading so many children and trying to balance all they wanted to say was too hard. If I taught like that full time I'm sure I would find more ways to let them express and to feel connected to them. The teacher told me she thought it was great and that the kids liked it. She did spend the whole time correcting their behavior which I didn't like but I just pushed through.
I would like to go home and rest but need to meet with a student soon. I am feeling really burned out by a particular colleague whose actions really bother me - her behavior reminds me of narcissists and it makes me constantly question myself. Her poor communication and approach to her job are very difficult to deal with and I am sick of working with her because she makes my days feel so much harder.
She just called at me down the hallway today when I was with a student and I said I couldn't talk because I was with a student. I feel rude but also I don't really want to talk to her. If she needs me she can email. I would rather have communication in writing from her because she constantly is changing her story.
I haven't been feeling well generally this week. I think it is stress, seasonal allergies, and menstrual cycle changes all happening at once. I am feeling a bit better today and hope I can sleep better tonight that I did last night.
Here's hoping you can get some healing rest, rainy. I can see how having the keys can make it feel more real.
Thank you CF. :hug:
........
I am feeling very low about myself today.
I am overwhelmed at the prospect of the next 2 weeks and hope all goes as smooth as it can.
Sending you a supportive :hug: if okay Rainydiary.
:hug:
Hi Rainy, I'm sorry i am not here to offer support very often, i have a hard time knowing what to say, but i know how you feel. i hope you have a good day tomorrow, you deserve to be happy
The end of a school year and buying a house are two huge stressors. I'd be feeling anxious too. :grouphug:
rainy, i've decided that anyone who makes me doubt myself does not have my best interests in mind. N or not, this woman does not sound like someone to spend time w/. and, i don't think it was rude to put her off cuz you had to meet w/ a student. you had a priority and you stuck to it, and i think that's brave and a very good thing to do.
wishing you all the smoothness in the world for the next 2 weeks. love and hugs :hug:
Moondance, I appreciate the care. :hug:
.....
Hi Larry, I appreciate any support you offer and am glad you checked in.
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Armee, I appreciate the perspective and reminder - this is a lot.
.....
San, thank you for the perspective about my colleague. She definitely doesn't have my best interest at heart. She gave me space today and I hope that continues until the end of the year.
.........
As I am writing, I worry I am sick. My nose is runny. It could be allergies or stress or if could be more. The timing of being sick now would be very annoying. I will take this as a sign to take care.
We will be walking through "our" house on Wednesday and Friday is closing day. Our plan is to move as much as we can over the long weekend. Then movers come next Wednesday and that is the day our lease ends.
I still have 4 weeks of work, but the next two weeks with closing, moving, and keeping up at work will be the hardest. I am so worn out.
There was good in today and yesterday. Deep down yesterday I realized how much self-loathing I sometimes hold. It's weird that on a good day that would come up but it did.
It is no wonder I am worn out. I hope to engage more with others' journals this week.
:wave: :hug:
Thank you Bach. :hug:
...........
I did not sleep well last night and felt unwell enough to stay home.
I feel a lot of guilt because I know the colleague I share a school with on these days will judge me for missing this week and last. But also I am not going to push myself when my body is clearly telling me to slow down.
I felt bad all day for staying at home. I have zero desire to go in tomorrow but may feel well enough to do so. I'll see how I sleep tonight and how I feel in the morning.
I read the following post on Facebook about mirror neurons and it gave me a lot to think on:
One other person besides Fire Dew Spright bought this.
Many neurodivergent people, including people with acquired neurodivergence like complex trauma from childhood, have an overdeveloped mirror neuron system (MNS).
This can impact a person many ways:
1. Extreme empathy: An overdeveloped MNS may lead to heightened empathic abilities. Individuals with a strong MNS may be more sensitive to the emotions and experiences of others.
2. Increased observational learning: With an overactive MNS, individuals may easily observe and imitate the actions and behaviors of others. This can show up in many ways depending on the rest of the brain: great at doing impressions, excellent internal BS and lie detector, great at picking up on and interpreting subtle cues that may be subconscious to the people being observed.
3. Emotional contagion: An overactive MNS may make individuals more susceptible to emotional contagion, wherein they unconsciously "absorb" the emotions of those around them. This can lead to experiencing heightened emotional states, both positive and negative, based on the emotions of others.
4. Mimicry and conformity: An overdeveloped MNS, depending on other cortices in the brain, might contribute to a tendency to mimic the behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs of others. This can be positive in some aspects but can contribute to a person not developing a sense of Core Self if they're hyper responsive to becoming a mirror to the actions and identity of those around them.
5. Sensory overload: An overactive MNS can result in sensory overload. Constantly perceiving and "feeling" the actions and emotions of others can be overwhelming and exhausting. This may lead to difficulties in filtering out irrelevant stimuli, making it challenging to focus or maintain attention.
6. Intimacy overwhelm: Eye contact, physical proximity, and displays of empathy that might feel like warm sunlight to some people but can feel like sitting on the sun to people with an overdeveloped mirror neuron system.
Having an overactive MNS can make a person "feel" the emotions of others— or the emotions they believe others are feeling— much more intensely than that person experiencing the emotion feels them.
Other people's emotions may be felt so intensely a person can't recognize their own emotions.
It's very important to understand that having an over- or under-developed MNS presented differently in everyone based on the rest of their neurology and their lived experiences.
Young children who are made to feel responsible for the emotions of others may develop an enduring trauma reaction that makes other people's anger, disappointment, and sadness feel like it's their responsibility to sacrifice themselves to repair.
It's very important to help kids develop safe boundaries and to teach them that they are not responsible for the emotions of others, including yours. This means you need to model managing and regulating your own emotions in a healthy way— which is no small feat if you're coming from a history of generational trauma.
There's no better time to start that journey of healing today. With purposeful, intentional efforts, you can learn how to regulate your very sensitive mirror neuron system so that you can better stay regulated.
:hug:
I hope you sleep better tonight.
Wow. Those passages on mirror neurons is so helpful
holy crapoly, rainy, i saw myself in every single one of those! it's amazing how the brain/mind can be manipulated thru trauma or neurodivergence. no wonder my startle response is so acute and intense if another person comes into my space w/o me realizing they're there. thank you for posting this.
i'm glad you're feeling better, glad that colleague gave you some space. i hope she keeps doing that and leaves you alone. w/ all that you have going on right now, you don't need extra anything from any neg. person. here's hoping these 4 weeks fly by and that you get some rest somewhere in there. :zzz: love and hugs, rainy :hug:
Thank you Armee & San, I always appreciate gaining another lens to consider my experience through and hadn't thought of mirror neurons before. For me it is a helpful way to think about my experience and I will be thinking on it more when my life feels less heavy.
.........
I feel a bit better today and came to work. I feel this deep sense of unease. I feel this deep sense of displeasure from my colleague that I didn't see yesterday. I know how her mind works - it is a coincidence that I have missed the past two weeks there and it stands out more when I'm only there once a week - but I could see her taking it really personally and being weird about it. I am trying to soothe my unease. I also have my performance review tomorrow which is adding to my unease.
I slept a bit better but my cat seems to be having acid reflux and several times last night woke me up with the sound of vomiting. It triggered me back to a few summers ago when she was so sick and we had such angst. I am struggling with feeling supported by her vet but feel like I should reach out to them to get suggestions on easing her stomach a bit.
Today my husband and I will be doing our final walkthrough of the property. His level of stress and anxiety is taking a huge toll on me. I tried talking to him about it yesterday but am not sure how that went. It is stressful for us all and I can understand that.
But it also is difficult to have him second guessing everything we've done to date. At this point, I just want to give up. I know we need to advocate for ourselves in terms of making sure the home is in the condition we are expecting, but I just need this to be over.
He is really stressing me out and I don't know how to deal with it. The mood I'm in (which is mostly anxious) leads me to start seeing doom in the future. The doom has basis in past events and this time feels similar to me to times we've had before. I am trying to trust that I've grown and we've made adjustments that hopefully give us to the chance to move forward differently instead of repeating past mistakes.
I feel upset that this has been my normal. My husband did seek out support from his doctor to begin taking medication for anxiety. I hope it helps. I have so many feelings about my marriage and choices I've made. I am too stressed to process it all right now and hope that as some pressure begins to release I am able to answer questions I have.
Interesting info on overdeveloped MNS. Thanks for sharing that.
No wonder you are stressed. End of school year, issues at work, buying a house, marriage tension . . . AND cPTSD. Yikes. I think you are doing well in your efforts to balance everything and make healthy decisions.
Thank you Not Alone - I appreciate the care and understanding and reminder that it is a lot.
..........
I am exhausted but feeling a bit better.
One big thing that helped is my supervisor sent me a draft of my evaluation. It was all really positive and she said "Rainy is helping move the district forward" and "Rainy offers a valuable and unique perspective." I am sure we will talk about areas for growth tomorrow when we meet but it was so wonderful to have such nice things written down about me. I hope I can receive any nice things she had to say and not just push it away.
We did the house walkthrough and it was awkward. The sellers aren't fully moved out which is annoying because Friday is closing day. There is still a lot of stuff to be moved out given that timeline. Overall things were ok. My husband lost his cool about some areas that were miscommunicated between us and the seller about things they felt like were "theirs" and we assumed were built in.
But, we are moving forward. Just two more sleeps to the closing day. Hopefully we won't have to wait too long on Friday for the paperwork to be completed and receive keys.
Hi Rainydiary,
I haven't responded for a bit but I have been reading your posts and appreciate each one. When I say appreciate each post I'm saying tge sharing of your experiences, how you process or don't process, being real through the whole struggle and extremely stressful time. I admire that you keep at it. And if you didn't keep at it that would be okay, as you probably know. I just want to say good for you for doing your best.
I understand and acknowledge your struggle and stress you are under. I'm sorry you are going thru all of this. I believe and stand with you, period.
:hug: to you if helpful at all.
Ohhh and the list of mirror neurons, the impact list is a perfect match for me. Wow! Thank you for sharing that as well.
Thank you Moondance for the support and care. :hug:
..........
Today is closing day for the house. I am up very early but slept the whole time between when I fell asleep and when I got up.
Thankfully I don't have work today and can start getting us ready to move. It's hard to say what time we will actually have keys to the house. When we did another walkthrough last night to make sure they finished a few things we noticed on the walkthrough on Wednesday, the sellers are still there.
This will be a busy weekend but it finally feels like we are on the right track.
so glad to hear you're on the right track, rainy. it sounds like it will be a busy weekend. i hope you have some pos. anticipation as well as work ahead of you. good luck w/ the move. love and hugs :hug:
Wishing you luck with your moving experience and hope this weekend goes well
Rainy, I hope that your closing and move go well.
Thinking of you this weekend. If are needing extra arms to help take mine. :hug:
Thank you all for the support :hug:
..........
I am sitting at work (where I would rather not be) and finding it would help to write out an update.
We are mostly settled into our house. We accomplished a lot of moving over the weekend. All that is left in the apartment is big stuff we will have movers move. I also will need to clean the apartment the best I can.
The new house already feels like home and I wish we could just be done with the apartment. It will be over tomorrow. The thought of tomorrow is overwhelming but all I can do is take one step at a time. I am taking the day off work.
I am so sick of work. We are done on June 16, so the end is approaching. I think once I get through this week, the final two weeks will be relatively easy.
We are already having some plumbing issues due to an update the sellers made to their kitchen. It is what happens. It's funny because the nature of problems keeps shifting. ;D
rainy, congratulations on your house! I'm so glad to hear that it already feels like home.
That information on the mirror neuron system is very interesting and helpful. Thank you for sharing it!
Quote from: rainydiary on May 30, 2023, 06:38:30 PM
The new house already feels like home
That is awesome!
Bach, thank you. I hope to explore the mirror neuron stuff more when I feel less overwhelmed.
.....
Not Alone, thank you. :hug:
...........
Well, we survived the movers and are fully in our house.
The move was overall much less stressful and dramatic than I was expecting.
Leaving the apartment was also easy. I felt sad leaving even though I won't miss living there. I am feeling grief in this transition.
I really do not want to go to work tomorrow. I am starting the day with a meeting I have no desire to do. It is a meeting with a parent and involves colleagues I would rather not have to invite.
My intention tomorrow is just to do the best I can.
I am feeling bad about my workday yesterday. My colleague that I share a caseload with at the school has turned very frosty toward me. I did miss the last two weeks at that school which had nothing to do with her or the school - I needed the time because I was sick and because I had house buying obligations.
It is difficult when someone shows their true colors. She is nice as long as she feels dominate and in control. Now she is turning mean because she doesn't feel that way and will take it out on me.
Her behavior toward me bothers me because it is triggering. I also feel strong in myself and able to separate my feelings about myself from her opinion of me (mostly, old habits and views are very strong).
I am trying to enjoy feeling good in my new home and the work days slowing down. I will make it.
rainy, so glad to hear you feel good in your new home and that the move is over.
hang tough, 2 weeks to go at work. best to you w/ the meeting - i hope it goes smoothly.
and *ugh* about that colleague. i wish she'd leave you alone. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you San - I am recognizing situations where I can initiate conversation with others to clear the air, but for some people it doesn't feel worth it. I'll share an update about my meeting - still shaking from it.
..........
I am at work and really want to go home.
My meeting this morning went fine in the sense that everyone showed up. It did not go as smoothly in terms of people dynamics.
I had to involve a colleague that I previously mentioned to be possibly narcissistic. She was trying to micromanage me this morning and I was rude to her. I feel bad for resorting to that - I could try to assert in a different way.
The meeting I had included an interpreter. We had a huge miscommunication and she spent the entire meeting very mad at me. At the end of the meeting she confronted me and I learned of the miscommunication. She said "I am going to have to report this" and her tone was so serious it really threw me off.
The student's teacher and parent both speak Spanish. I don't speak Spanish which is why I included the interpreter. Also, the teacher isn't a trained interpreter. So, no one was thinking of the teacher as an interpreter.
I think what happened is the interpreter felt like they wouldn't be paid for their time (which I don't think is accurate and also an understandable worry). I contacted the person that schedules interpreters and explained what happened.
No one is actually mad and it is was a learning opportunity. But it made me feel so bad and I want to go home. I need to cry but am too flustered. I need to stay today for another mandatory meeting after school.
In two weeks from today, the school year will be done. A student just told me he hopes I am back next year at his school. I hope so too but don't have any control over that. I hope to learn my assignment soon.
I'm having trouble keeping up with my journal right now.
Trying to relax but spent the day managing
the hot tub that came with the house. I am waiting for the water to be ready for me to add chemicals. I have been working on draining, cleaning, and adding water all day. :fallingbricks:
I am not looking forward to work tomorrow. I want to keep settling in to our house.
rainy, i feel bad for you having to work beside that colleague. it sucks. as i read this, i harkened back to the eval you were given, and i hope you can always remember those words. they speak so loudly about how important your work dynamic is, that you know what you're doing, and that you bring something to the table no one else brings. you're such a valuable employee, and of great value to the kids you interact w/. however, i'm glad you now have less than 2 weeks to go.
that hot tub sounds like quite the project. i hope you can enjoy it for a long, long time. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you San - I am trying to hold on to the feeling that evaluation gave me. It is difficult right now. I had another meeting this morning with that coworker and it set my day off on the wrong path and I haven't really recovered.
..........
My body is physically worn out.
I am waiting for a meeting I have no desire to do. I hope that the teacher won't make rude comments to me, but she almost always does. I think my plan will be to say as little to her as possible and not give many openings for her comments.
I am really wanting to know what my school assignment will be next year. I checked when they told us last year and it was on almost the last day of school. I want to know for my own sake as well as to let some of my students know. A few have asked and I want to be able to tell them so that they know what to expect when they return in the fall.
I had a meeting this morning that will be rescheduled because the parent did not come. Based on what the teacher said, this parent may not ever show and so we need to be more proactive. I am so frustrated that it got rescheduled because I was expecting today to be my last day with meetings. And the frustrating, possible narcissist colleague of mine is in charge of planning it. I sort of feel like she lets things fall through to give herself more time to get things done without recognizing that people worked really hard to be prepared for today and we should have honored our time.
well, rainy, those narcs don't think of others and the value of their energy/time/prep, do they? i can't wait for you to be able to get out from under her. horrid. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you San - I am hoping to have distance from this person next school year. :hug:
.........
This morning my husband told me he isn't doing well. I had been wondering if he was masking his struggles as we closed on the house and moved. I feel a lot when he tells me things like this.
I feel stuck because it feels like he has no resources for managing his feelings. He's never really had to because his family is enmeshed and they all sort of manage things together in a weird, boundaryless way.
I feel strong because I see that this is not my fault and I feel for the first time that I am separate from him and will be ok no matter what happens. I don't know what will happen but if for some reason our paths don't continue together, I will face financial changes that scare me. There is no way I would be able to stay in the house we just bought for instance.
I feel unsettled and not sure how I can handle this. I am trying, but there is only so much I can do. He has to figure out for himself what he wants and I can't do that for him.
It's hard enough to come to work and having this nebulous worry about him and us and our life is complicated.
What I do know is that I am done running. I finally feel settled in myself and in my life. That doesn't mean I have everything figured out, but I am facing myself and whatever comes my way differently. He has to sort out what he wants. I do too and then we need to decide if that continues to be something we do together.
I need to acknowledge that the conversation with my husband this morning sent me into an EF.
I haven't been able to feel settled and am having a lot of feelings in my body.
Sending thoughts and support, rainy :hug:
I appreciate the support, Bach.
.........
My husband and I checked in last night and I definitely went down a line of thinking and feeling that didn't match what he was saying.
I am waiting for a meeting that I haven't been to in 2 weeks. I don't even know if it is happening and I really don't want to be here. I feel awkward and like people judge me.
I hope this day passes smoothly.
i hope the day passes smoothly for you too, rainy.
i can feel your strength, and glad you are able to feel your 'you-ness' as a separate entity from your husband. i'm here to support you no matter which way it goes. i'm on your side. love and hugs
I hear that your H's words has impacted you. Reality is that what he does and thinks affects you. You are developing strong boundaries. I know it's hard, but good for you.
San and Not Alone, I appreciate your validation and support. I am feeling all messed up in relationships right now and will reflect more.
..........
Sometimes it is really helpful to get input from other autistic people on my experience. I do that currently on Facebook. This isn't necessarily an ideal place for this, but for now it is the best I can do.
Sometimes it helps, but often there is one person that will comment and their comment leaves me feeling like I badly messed up. This happened today so not only am I upset about the situation I posted about, I'm also upset about comments made by strangers.
The situation I shared in the FB group is with my speech therapist colleague at my other school. Our relationship has really deteriorated and it has become painfully uncomfortable.
She will not speak to me unless I speak to her and her demeanor toward me is cold. It is very triggering for me. I am reflecting if I gave her silent treatment or acted cold towards her. Perhaps and sometimes I know we get so triggered we can't communicate the way we normally would.
I did try to talk to her about things before and things got worse after that. Perhaps I was too "honest" in that conversation. I do tend to say how I really feel. I think the relationship we had warranted the level of honesty. I am giving myself a hard time in that perhaps I could have communicated with her sooner and differently about our shared caseload.
My perspective is that I have tried with her. Every time she commented about how much work she has, I asked if there was anything I could do. She would always say she had it.
Because our relationship seemed good at the beginning of the year, I was very open with her about a lot of things. Over time I've learned that she is someone that likes to collect information as a way to feel in control.
I would say she generally feels out of control right now. I don't think all of that is about me, but it's hard for me to tell right now what to do.
I think I will try to speak to my supervisor generally about the situation. If I have to continue to work with this person, we will need to have a conversation to figure out how to make that work.
I am willing to own mistakes I've made and think this will teach me about my communication style. I'm also tired of all the games we play in life of how we're supposed to act at work and how we're supposed to treat people that don't treat us well.
I am seeing how I bottle things up still and put up with a lot until it gets out of control. Then when I try to stand up for myself, the person/people that previously had a lot of power gets upset with me.
But now all I feel like is I've deflated this person. Even though she has been mean and unkind in ways that are hard to prove to others, she holds more power than I do in our district. I want to make things better but don't know how. I also don't want to own what isn't mine. I also want to acknowledge missteps I've taken and learn from them. I suppose I can do that without her.
I am feeling tired and sad.
My husband and I spoke more this morning. He shared he is feeling lonely and isolated. He has worked from home for 8 years. I hope he considers finding a job where we live where he can get out more.
I am feeling the urge to take action for my husband but I can't help him get out more if that is what he wants. I do feel like I might be misinterpreting him based on past experiences and not seeing/hearing what he is currently going through unfiltered.
Today I spoke with my supervisor. She was supportive and shared that she will be giving me a new assignment for next school year. It means I will hopefully be getting away from the difficult personality dynamics I am struggling with. It also means I will be leaving a school that I feel like I have built strong relationships in.
That news made me really sad because I have several students that have asked if I will be back and I know it's important to them that they have consistency. I shared the news with people that can provide support to those students and know in the long run they will build relationship with someone else. But it makes me feel like I don't matter, I am just a body being assigned around to suit people that don't understand how important connection is for kids.
I am going to dinner later with some people I work with. I don't want to, especially given the conversation with my husband this morning and with my workday. But I think going will be important. I feel guilty leaving my husband on his own.
rainy, if i may, the idea of leaving your H on his own when he feels isolated is not your responsibility. you can only do so much for someone before it's time for them to take their own situation in hand and find a solution that suits them.
i relate to the feeling of leaving the connections behind that you have built w/ students. it's hard. had to go thru that myself. the fact that they wanted you back next year shows how important you are and what a difference you've made in their lives. you are valued. they will take your goodness with them as they move on in their lives. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you, San, I appreciate the support. I agree it isn't my job to take care of my husband's loneliness. I will say he didn't put any pressure of any kind on me to not hang out with my work friends. I just want him to be ok and feel powerless. I have more to share about work today.
.........
This morning after speaking with my boss, I sent emails to key people including the principal to let them know the news. I was mostly worried about how certain students would take the news and wanted them to know for support.
This afternoon I was in the office and the principal said he was unhappy to hear the news I wouldn't be back. He said he was going to advocate for me to remain at the school. I had several teachers tell me they had planned to talk to the principal to see if there was anything he could do about me staying.
This filled my heart. I am wanted by a place and most people in it. I don't hold out hope that my boss will change her mind, but it was good to hear and have this to carry with me.
One of the students I was worried about came into my office to co-regulate. I could not help it and started crying. He said "Miss Rainy, what's wrong?" I told him the news that I might not be back. I do feel a little worried that I triggered him because his home life is not good and I think he has to spend a lot of time taking care of adults feelings. But I hope that he at least knows I care about him and we will both be ok regardless of what happens.
I'm glad you had that support and validation from the principals and teacher, rainy. That's very special. :hug:
:hug:
It says so much that the principal is going to fight for you.
I think it's OK that you cried. There is a difference between seeing someone express their emotions when that person is able to soothe their own feelings (you) compared to someone expecting a child to soothe those emotions (whatever is happening at home). Your expression was showing your sadness and that's all. No expectation that he fix it and no manipulation. Just honest feeling. I think that's a good thing. It teaches him he can experience other people having emotions and not have to feel guilty or like he has to fix them.
Bach, thank you. :hug:
......
Armee, I appreciate the reflection. The student and I already spent time together and I can tell my news is on his mind.
.........
I am exhausted and drained today.
The day started with my husband saying he doesn't like our new house. :doh:
He said he doesn't like the layout. I agree that the layout is weird...but so is the layout of the townhouse we used to own. So is the layout of most things.
I am trying to take whatever this time is in stride. The changes of late have been landing hard on both of us. It's going to be a long time before the dust settles. But I am so tired of him poking holes in everything.
I am still sad about my work situation. I checked in with the principal this morning and he said the response he got was basically "that's nice that you like Rainy but the district needs to allocate resources differently."
The idea of being a "resource" that needs to be "allocated" does not sit well with me. I don't think the world has to work like this and I feel contradiction in the way the district pretends they want things to be and in how they actually treat people.
I did send a follow up email to express my preference to my supervisor. I sort of regret sending it because it is uncomfortable and I know deep down she is still going to do what she wants regardless of how I feel or what my preferences are.
That hurts and I wish it didn't. I feel deeply unmotivated now. It's like it doesn't matter what I do and advocating myself ends with "thanks for being flexible when others won't be flexible so we need to make you be flexible because you are newer."
My husband and I are going on a trip this weekend. I am looking forward to it and think he is too. I hope it will be a step toward things trending upward.
Wishing your weekend trends upwards as well.
Also I hope that something happens at work that will keep you there because that is what you desire.
:hug: if okay
i hope the trip for the two of you has healing qualities to it, rainy. some sort of soothing balm.
unfortunately, corporate, higher-ups, whoever's running the show seem to have to keep us lowly workers at an arm's distance by using non-human terms for us. we're not seen by them as people - that way they can move us around the board whichever way they please w/o compunction about what it does to us or how it makes us feel. it's very sad, very frustrating. i feel for you. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you Moondance. I appreciate the care. :hug:
......
San, I appreciate the support. I'll reflect more on my work situation below but it is still sitting heavy with me.
.........
The first day of our trip has been great. We visited a cave made by lava flow. The hike through the cave was so much harder than expected but we did it.
A previous version of myself would have had a meltdown given how hard and frustrating that hike was. But I was able to take care and be as present as I could.
I also didn't carry as much anxiety into this trip as I have in the past. I am having anxious thoughts that our house will catch on fire because of a heated bed I bought my cat and forgot to unplug. But other than that, I am handling the trip ok.
I am still upset about work. It is rare for me to find a place I feel valued and wanted. It hurts that this matters not at all. I recognize that I value and see my role and work very differently from my boss which is a conflict I'll never resolve.
It is impossible for me to get my boss to see how deep my social struggles are and that the thought of starting from scratch again in building relationships to do my work is more than I can bear right now. I'm not asking this because of ego but because the relationships I worked hard to build should continue.
I know I won't get my way. And that makes me deeply angry. It touches on the vast amount of loss I've experienced and I don't feel like I can bear it. I'm sure I will and I know I will do my best with whatever I am given. But I am so tired of being pushed around.
Our trip was great. Today we took it easy and enjoyed a picnic with a lovely view.
Tomorrow is my last Monday of the school year.
I am dreading showing up. I don't want to have another conversation with my boss. I also don't want to deal with leaving the students.
:hug: and care Rainydiary
I appreciate the support Moondance.
.........
I am feeling deeply uneasy.
I cried last night at the thought of this week.
I am recognizing that this experience of being asked to leave a school I asked to stay at is waking up very old, deep feelings.
Growing up in a military family I experienced numerous times to leave friends and a place before I was ready.
I am still upset with my boss and at the situation but I also think my reaction is an EF.
I am also struggling because my husband continues to pour out how he regrets the decision we made to buy our house. I would say we had a miscommunication about expectations. We also have lived here for 2 weeks and are not settled. We don't have to live here forever. But also geez.
Right now the only way is forward. Trying to enjoy my cat being here on my lap and playing my video game before I need to get the day started.
Hi Rainy,
Sending you a hug :hug: I relate to what you're saying about those feelings. I have also had many times when I've had to leave a place and people when I didn't feel ready to, and didn't want to go. I think that EF's hold those very dark feelings, but I think it's good that you are recognising that you're experiencing an EF.
I hope it releases you soon, and that you enjoy the video game you're playing. I also hope your day is a good one.
Hope :)
Hi Rainydiary,
I'm really sorry that you have to deal with your husbands unsettling feeling with the house purchase. This adds to all the other stresses you are experiencing right now.
Sending you encouraging hugs and thoughts as you continue to hold your own in really difficult situations. I admire you and that you keep putting one foot in front of the other.
:hug:
Hope, I appreciate your validation. I don't know that I've really dealt with how hard it was for me to leave so many places growing up. I'm trying to not run away from myself anymore and perhaps this will give me the chance to feel some things that need to be felt.
......
Moondance, I appreciate the support. I'm reflecting how thrown off I feel by my husband actually communicating with me. It is challenging me and yet it is necessary. Hopefully time and practice will help.
.........
My boss and I ended up having a conversation today. She told me what my new school will be.
Pros I will only be at one school and it is a bit closer to where I live.
Cons I will have to leave a place I want to stay.
I told one of the students I am worried about with the transition and he said "Maybe the next person will be funner than you." He is young and was totally trying to put a positive spin on this news as I think it bothered him.
My stomach hurts and I am so sad.
Hi Rainydiary
Yes necessary but sometimes difficult to process. Perhaps that is me who would find it difficult.
I'm thankful you feel supported and validated.
I am currently sitting at work where the Internet is not working which makes it very pointless for me to be here.
My car also had a really bad flat tire this morning and I am grateful my husband and I both have a car. I drove his car to work and he is going to take my car to have the tire fixed/changed.
I am using this day to just chill and think ahead a bit to the start of next school year so I can give my brain a break once I leave work on Friday.
Thinking of you Rainydiary.
:hug:
I appreciate the support Moondance.
.........
I am sitting here with a stomachache thinking about my day.
My car tire could not be repaired so now we are trying to navigate getting a new tire. We decided to order some new tires and then will take them to be installed. The disruption in not having my car right now is annoying. We are fortunate to have two vehicles but it is putting a strain on our transportation.
I don't want to go work today and face my second to last day at this school. I hope the internet is working today because yesterday was ridiculous.
Geez indeed to H! I hope you both are able to settle in and feel comfortable in your new home. 2 weeks isn't very long, I hope it gets easier with time for H to be happy with the new home. I'm very sad to hear about the situation at the school you wanted to stay at. I hate situations where I feel like I don't have control.
Armee, I appreciate the support.
.........
Today is the last day with students. I am emotionally drained. This will be my last day at this school as tomorrow I will end the school year at the district office with a training.
I don't want to go and face this day. I worry about saying goodbye to students and also facing any support or gratitude offered by colleagues. I want to just be left alone.
I am going to leave as soon as I can today (it is an early release day).
congratulations for making it thru, rainy. you've shown an awful lot of determination and responsibility by sticking it out. yeah, the good-byes can be difficult. i don't blame you for wanting to just cuddle up. well done, tho. let's hope you're not plagued by the same colleague problems at your next location. wishing you well. love and hugs :hug:
I appreciate the support San.
.........
I am exhausted and trying to settle enough to sleep.
I still have a training to do tomorrow. I think it will be deeply annoying.
I survived the day. The physical presence is over and now I am feeling the emotional and mental aftermath.
I am still upset and am feeling disenfranchised grief. Life will continue and I will carry my experiences and memories forward. I don't feel like there is space for me to feel to the depth I need. That space will have to be personal and individual most likely.
I am so tired.
Wishing you much needed rest Rainydiary and that tomorrow passes rather quickly and not to annoying.
:hug:
also wishing you some time for rest, rainy. hope that meeting went smoothly and quickly. you're done w/ this year. you made it! well done, you, even if it was stressful and rocky at times. you did it. love and a hug filled w/ finding the space you need for all those emotions. :hug:
Moondance, I appreciate the support and encouragement.
......
San, thank you for the support.
............
Well, I am on the other side of another school year.
Today I just feel exhausted.
I am struggling with my husband's mood and how he is doing. I am also struggling because I don't have a lot of spaces I can speak about how difficult my relationship is right now.
I am noticing that I feel like his moods are my fault. If it wasn't for me, he wouldn't be in this place where we are. I know deep down I am not doing anything to him, but my brain is in overdrive trying to figure out how to make things better.
I think my challenge this summer will be caring for myself amidst all that my husband seems to be going through.
If his low mood persists until August, the presence of his parents will make things a million times worse.
I hope you continue to self care this summer.
I'm able to read (listen) to your posts but relational stuff is beyond me right know. But I stand with you Rainydiary and encourage you to do what you need for yourself and your husband. I do know you are very strong and that you can get through this.
:bighug:
rainy, in your exhausted state, it makes sense to me that you're getting those 'fault' feelings about your H's mood. you're at low tide w/ energy right now. please know his stuff is not your fault - it sounds like he's got a lot of issues he refuses to deal w/.
i hope you find time and space to renew your system, bring some calm and rest to your mind. love and hugs, my dear :hug:
Moondance, I appreciate your words and relate. We don't always have similar lived experiences to others yet can also be present.
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San, I appreciate the reminders. It is something most likely to explore why I continue to feel responsible for things to own that aren't mine.
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I most likely won't "feel" that I am on break for a while. I am still waking every day around 3 or 4. When working I tend to push myself to get up (something I hope to explore next school year as to why) and now I am challenging myself to go back to sleep.
My husband and I went on a hike today which was a nice experience. For most of the hike we didn't encounter others and it was a nice time.
When we got home, he decided to mow the lawn. He started to get worked up about how much work it is to take care of a home. I wanted to say, "Uh, yeah. What do you think I've been doing the last 15 years most weekends when I say I am cleaning?" He tried to get me to help and I said no because I could see he was just trying to get out of doing work. Plus I already had cleaning tasks I was going to do. I am working to release control and give him space to figure this stuff out.
Today I wrote to the prompt: "Who do you trust most? Why?" I struggled to respond because I don't have a lot of trust in myself and others.
So glad you stood your ground there :grouphug:
what armee said, rainy. well done! it may take some time to sort thru some of those issues, so i hope you are patient w/ yourself, gentle, and kind. sending love and a hug filled with all 3. :hug:
Armee & San, I appreciate the support and validation. In that moment I saw all the times where he pulled me into doing something that he wanted to do regardless of my plans and I am mostly done with that.
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Big feelings today and exhaustion. I feel ill although I'm not sure I am physically sick. I am noticing this tension in the area between my shoulder blades and under my neck. This is a new area for the tension in my body to be gathered and I am curious what this is about.
I am off and on crying. I got a lot done this morning with taking unwanted boxes to the recycling center and getting groceries. I also unpacked a few things I never unpacked in our apartment because there wasn't space.
These mostly included photographs. I found the photographs I had previously put on our fireplace mantle in our last state. They are from our engagement and our wedding day. Seeing these photos reminded me of a lot of positives. So much has happened since those photographs were taken.
I got a spam phone call that used the city and area code from our old state and that is what finally pushed me into crying.
I do miss our old state and our old townhouse. I did feel like it was time to move on. Right now I am feeling like I failed myself, I failed my husband, I failed at everything there. Work was miserable and I felt like an outcast no matter what I did.
I do feel the sense of "what were we thinking?" that I think my husband may be experiencing. We have been somewhat nomadic in our life. And it is interesting and hard and confusing and fascinating how our individual and collective experiences infuse and color and inform this.
I am also seeing how impacted I still am by the time my brother in law died. Literally nothing has been the same since then. Leading up to that so much was so the same and nothing got better. Even though things have changed drastically in the past 4 years, I do think it was much needed.
I also recognized today that underneath anger and frustration and difficult feeling toward my husband is anger, frustration, and difficult feeling toward myself. I am so mad at myself. For what I'm not exactly sure but it is there.
I am so tired and scared and sad. I am trying to give myself the opportunity to rest but it is difficult right now.
sounds like you're grieving, rainy. lots of changes means lots of losses. are you feeling like you need to protect yourself? if so, could that be connected to the tension you're feeling? just a thought.
you've just gotten finished w/ this job that was uncomfortable for you the entire time. you're second-guessing yourself about your new home. you're also realizing how many changes there have been in your life connected to your husband and his brother. it's an awful lot. i think being scared, tired, and sad make a lot of sense. we've got you. love and hugs :grouphug:
Lots of valid reasons to feel sad and scared and angry and tired. :grouphug:
The feeling of being mad at yourself sounds like maybe an emotional flashback, so sending lots of support for this current ride through the weeds of trauma.
I appreciate the support and care, San & Armee. :hug:
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I am realizing that this is the first time in a long time I've been connected to my body. I think I've been present but also ignoring myself the past year and a half. I was so disregulated in the apartment we were living in.
I am still feeling a lot and generally feel upset.
I think the anger at myself is feeling like I should have known better with certain decisions I've made and behavior I accepted. My parents often made me feel like I should somehow always know everything and seem to not understand what learning is. And interestingly my parents have often expressed unease with my husband and in-laws. Part of me wants to scream at them "You taught me to ignore and deny my own needs and left me vulnerable to ignoring red flags." So, some self compassion is warranted - I have always done the best I could at the time.
I am upset especially today because I dreamt last night of receiving care and support that I don't feel from my husband. Part of me wants to qualify and explain that more...but I don't have to. Unfortunately sometimes others aren't able to meet our needs even if we are very clear about them.
I think I am entering additional space of healing and it hurts. I am curious to see how the next several months unfold especially with my in-laws coming in August. I am in a place where I feel myself letting go and stepping out of the way of my husband's current coping mechanisms (some of which my coping is wrapped up in too).
More uncharted territory and I wish things felt easier. Some things do but other things don't. That is what is tricky about healing is it shifts stuff around.
This morning I listed out what my needs are. The list I made had three general groups - daily needs, occasional needs and long term hopes.
It was helpful to see how much I feel like I need on a daily basis and how hard it is to balance that especially when I am working. And also how many of those needs are not expressed out loud by me.
I sent the list to my husband. Some of what inspired this is that his mood is low today and it is really triggering me. I think I am triggered because I have needs that are not being met and I am giving a lot of energy to trying to make him feel better (which I can't actually do).
I feel better for having created that list.
Quote from: rainydiary on June 20, 2023, 09:35:33 PMSo, some self compassion is warranted - I have always done the best I could at the time.
A lot of self compassion is warranted.
i echo notalone - lots of compassion is warranted.
rainy, i agree, healing can hurt, too. things are getting shifted and realigned. and i acknowledge the progress you're making by stepping out of your H's coping mechanisms. well done. all in all, you're showing a lot of progress here. love and hugs :hug:
Not Alone, I appreciate the emphasis on self compassion.
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San, Thank you for the reflection and helping me see growth.
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Yesterday my husband and I took a walk by the waterfront and he ended up sharing what's going on. I feel a lot of things for him speaking to me and I sincerely hope it is a sign that we are disrupting patterns.
He spoke about this time feeling similar to a difficult patch we went through in 2013/2014. It was difficult for me to hear him evoke that time and yet it also helped me understand why I've felt so triggered.
As I reflect on that, one tremendous area of growth is that he is actually talking to me and his parents haven't showed up for a visit. And another area of tremendous growth is that I didn't go into an EF when he said that.
In 2013/2014 when he was struggling, his parents (what felt to me) randomly showed up (he had of course complained to them and they decided "he needed them"). They stirred the pot, left, and things slowly and horribly imploded until I caved and did what my husband (and ultimately his parents) wanted which is return to his hometown (we had briefly moved away after I finished grad school).
Then went a year and a half of pain and difficulty which eventually led up to us leaving his hometown and moving to the state we left last year. I would say there is pain on both sides from that time that didn't heal and got shoved underneath the move we made.
I can see him trying to sort things out for himself and he expressed things that I feel myself. I see the disservice his parents did him by never letting him sit with discomfort and always coming to the "rescue." I feel like the trauma his parents caused is almost the opposite of my parents - my parents expected me to "toughen up" and took a "tough love" approach while his parents acted like they know everything and never really challenged him to work through difficulties.
It's hard on me the pain he is feeling and I hope our conversation was connecting for him. It was connecting for me and also a part of me is waiting for the past to repeat itself.
Yesterday before this conversation I had asked myself if I've been fooling myself as to who my husband really is and I think the answer in part is yes. I never really accepted that at heart he is a hometown person and a "momma's boy." I don't like that phrase but I don't know how else to evoke what I recognized. While our relationship has strengthened me and allowed me to heal and become myself, I worry it has not had that effect on him. I did say a version of this to him yesterday since we were putting it all out there.
It will be interesting to see where things take us. He is at the office of our new internet provider trying to sort out a misunderstanding. I have a feeling he will come home very upset. I sincerely hope this is a time of shifting and trending upward for both of us.
rainy, that's a lot to cope w/, so many realizations. the idea that you've been able to utilize your marriage for healing and growth while you don't think he has speaks to me about the dichotomy of the parental experiences you've both endured. not being allowed to wrestle w/ problems, sit w/ emotions, grow away from parental units sounds selfish to me. i hope his meeting went well and he came home in a good mood. love and hugs :hug:
San, I appreciate the support. I wish I didn't feel as deeply and complexly as I do.
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I'm not sure how to describe how I feel today.
I think I might be in an EF. I am thinking about past moments where I've felt shame - moments that are in the distant past and include folks that I don't know anymore. I still carry so much shame about myself.
I am recognizing that I feel impatient. For what I'm not exactly sure. But I believe the impact of the past several weeks and months is taking its toll.
I think what I am trying to puzzle out is if I am "happy." I have never resonated with at word and have often definitely not been happy. But it seems to be what people say when they are content with their lives.
Right now I am definitely not content with my life. It's hard to say if it is about all the change, about seeing things with different eyes, or about needing to continue to make adjustments. I think it is a combination of many things.
I was briefly thinking today about how miserable I always felt growing up. Feeling that way is so normal, still.
I had some alone time today and watched a show I enjoy. I think that time was restorative. It was immediately followed by an EF when my husband got home. Things are so difficult right now.
I'm so sorry Rainydiary that things are so difficult right now.
I stand with you during this time.
Gentle :bighug: if okay
rainy, i know that feeling of not being happy, even when it looks like you 'should' be. i'm very sorry about the marriage problems, and how your H's presence can affect your mood negatively. that just sucks. you've gone thru so much in the past few weeks. please, remember that, and give yourself some time to settle w/ it all, ok? yeah, it can be rough when you're waiting for you to catch up w/ all the changes. hang tough, all right? love and hugs :hug:
:hug:
Moondance, San, and Larry - thank you for being here and for your support. It means a lot.
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Today has mostly been ok. We went on a hike and saw a new part of our state.
I did get overwhelmed by the sounds of speed boats, jet skis, and a chain saw. Repetitive, mechanical sounds really disregulate my nervous system especially when I can't get away from them. I noticed though and even though I got grumpy, I didn't have a meltdown.
I had some down time and enjoyed playing a video game I like. I am also watching a show I enjoy (Ted Lasso).
But I am also still feeling yucky inside. Something in me is triggered and I am not liking myself. I feel like I've done something wrong and that I am deeply wrong.
I was trying to remind myself that there are people that like me. But then my brain made a mean distinction. It feels like people I don't see all the time (like students, work colleagues, friends) like me and people that I am related to by blood or marriage don't like me.
I feel frustrated that I am back in this place. It makes sense that I would circle back to my core wounds but it also stinks to be feeling this way.
That's a crappy feeling to have. :grouphug:
You know that's not about YOU it's about your family and in laws being actually terrible people.
I'm sorry that you are feeling so yucky today. That feeling of discontent----"yucky" was a good word to use to describe it.
I know it doesn't fix everything, but it is encouraging that your H had that conversation with you. Marriage is hard.
i hope tomorrow is a great day !
Thank you all for the support and encouragement. This day has taken a rough turn and I need to process a bit.
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My husband and I just had a really intense conversation. For me it feels like the beginning (or another beginning) of the end.
He continues to express how the only place he feels ok is in his hometown. Deep down I know that's where he wants to be. He will say that in one breath and then in another day he has no life there anymore.
I cannot handle being there. I feel like I need to justify why, but I don't actually believe I need to. I do not belong there and I am past forcing myself to be somewhere that makes me feel that way.
He shared his perception of situations that leave me feeling cold. If what he is saying is his truth, we have fundamentally misunderstood each other for years. I want to take him at his word and also have seen how he and his family process things which really ends up being gaslighting and avoidance.
Even though what he said is upsetting, I feel somewhat relieved that he said it and is actually trying to put into words his experiences. I think he also just doesn't want to face what is going on here. I don't really want to either.
For so long I've tried to be a mind reader to him. I've gotten it so wrong. I have also gotten myself wrong.
I don't know what's going to happen. My husband has been seeking out mental health supports and that takes time. I think we have some really difficult conversations ahead of us.
I'm sorry your having to go thru this really difficult situation Rainydiary.
Even though there may be or will be difficult conversations to come, as you say, you seem to be dealing with things pretty head on (even though difficult) which shows just how strong you really are through it all. Well that's what your doing isn't it, your going thru it rather than around it, under it or avoiding things altogether.
I hope you remember to be kind to yourself as much as possible through all this.
:bighug:
:hug:
my dear rainy, i'm there w/ you. it sounds so difficult, and i know it is - there's no getting around it. so awful at one end to discover these hard truths, even tho it can help put things in perspective. i'm glad you know you don't belong where he wants to be. hang tough, ok? hangin' right beside you, love and hugs :hug:
Rainy, that sounds really difficult. My heart goes out to you.
Moondance, I appreciate your reflection. I have come a long way and am trying to remember that so it is helpful to have your support.
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Armee, I appreciate the care.
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San, thank you for being here with me.
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Not Alone, thank you for the care and support.
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I am ending the day less triggered than I began.
Last night I woke up in the middle of the night in an EF. My chest was tight and my mind raced. I eventually went back to sleep but it wasn't particularly restful with my cat bugging me and weird dreams.
I felt more inward today and didn't speak much to my husband. I watched Ted Lasso on my phone and completed chores. I wrote in my journal and did yoga. I am remembering that doing yoga around 2 or 3 pm is what is truly restoring to me and working makes that difficult.
I signed up for a meeting with a therapist tomorrow. I am recognizing I could use some perspective on boundaries, standing up for myself, and being nicer to myself. I also am questioning how good of a communicator I am with others. It seems like all I do is rub people the wrong way. I don't know if this person will be a good fit but I'm curious to see what comes of it.
I don't know what to say about my relationship with my husband today. Many things he said yesterday resonated with me as a person. His level of anxiety is really catching me off guard and I see that he is going through a difficult time where he needs to resolve some things for himself. We both shared that things have been especially off since his brother died.
I do think he is trying to blame me for things that aren't actually on me. It isn't on me for him to develop hobbies or make friends. I think he believes we should be doing these things together always. He doesn't seem to have any desire to do things for himself and if I don't want to do something he is interested in it somehow means I am rejecting him.
I was reflecting that for a number of years at the beginning of our relationship, things probably felt smoother to him because I just did what he wanted in terms of activities, socializing, living in his hometown, being around his family all the time, spending time with his friends. Things got bumpier when I started saying no and doing my own thing.
It is so fascinating how we both have very different perspectives on the same situations. I think we both have a share in communication breakdowns and expectations of ourselves and our relationship. We both have a lot of work ahead of us.
I am feeling rather overwhelmed and in a sort of EF.
I met on Friday with a therapist that I think will be helpful for things I am hoping to work on.
I was surprised how much of our conversation focused on autism and perhaps that is a good thing.
I processed the conversation my husband and I had the other day.
I definitely catastrophize and also don't understand what it is he is wanting long term. I do think I have unintentionally placed the entire burden on him to "get better" when there are things that I would like to feel better about. I also am hearing how he wants to get out more.
Over the past few days we have gone out a bit more. I agreed to go to a baseball game tomorrow with a group he meets up with at times. At first I was ok with the idea, but now it is really eating at me. I am still not understanding why he needs me to go with him all the time.
It is triggering an EF because this is why I started saying no all the time. If we do something he wants, he is fine. If we do something I want, there is more of a struggle. That is my perception but also I think there is truth in it too.
In the long run, going to a baseball game will be low stakes. He sees this potentially turning into being invited to attend gathering on the 4th of July. And that adds another layer of stress. I don't care about the 4th of July. I am frustrated that a holiday I wasn't worried about being stressed for is potentially taking a turn I'm not ok with.
I do acknowledge that I have perhaps isolated myself more than I necessarily want to be. But I'm trying to figure out what level of socializing I can and want to handle. And I'm feeling pressured to do more than I want to to make him happy.
This is important to pay attention to and for now I will try to get some rest and see how tomorrow goes. I am reminding myself that I can say some of these things out loud.
Today I am really noticing how much I "fake" it for others. I am feeling really sad at how much I have and continue to hold back and hold in and soften and keep down.
Rainy, that is a lot to navigate. I'm glad that you have a therapist who will be helpful.
Masking and faking for other people sounds like one of the most draining parts of autism.
I really hope the therapist ends up being a good fit and helpful.
I appreciate your support Not Alone and Armee. I still have reservations about therapy but am willing to see how things go for a bit.
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I feel so stuck.
I see how my husband and I could communicate more...but it is so challenging to do so right now.
He naps a lot and I think that the way I currently speak or share is in a way where I am trying to get him to contradict me and say things are fine. I came home from errands and had hoped to check in only to find him sleeping.
What is "fine" right now is that we have a home and enough money and enough to eat and good enough physical health.
What is not "fine" feels like everything else.
Where I'm at right now is I feel like this is all my fault and I just want it to go away.
I go up and down with how I feel. Right now is definitely a down.
I've been feeling really low of late and today am feeling a bit more settled.
I met with the therapist today and the word I took away from our conversation was "belonging." I hadn't considered that as something I am seeking and I think that is accurate. Something I also took away from the conversation is how we are perhaps wired to resolve our trauma responses with others. I have done a lot to resolve on my own but am finding I need more, which is where I think that sense of belonging comes in.
He asked me about times I felt that belonging growing up and there are two places I lived where I did feel that way.
Today I set up a lot of appointments - I am working to set up a pet sitter for my cat, I set up an acupuncture appointment at a new place because it is covered by my insurance, I reached out to people I know to connect, and set up a time next week to meet with a possible new friend.
I am still very upset in my home life and am also trying to find ease in that. My husband signed for a therapy appointment next week and I am curious to see how that goes for him. I'm also scared. That said, today I do feel more at peace. I may have made mistakes but I also have done my best to repair.
Today I experienced a lot of disregulation. Relationships and being a person feel very hard. I am having a lot of memories that surprise me coming up.
I'll be thinking of you, Rainy. They are hard, it is hard. I hope it'll get easier in time. :hug:
i don't believe this is all your fault, rainy. maybe you are made to feel it that way, but i don't believe it. and, i trust your perceptions about your H - i'm sad for you to be experiencing all this. love and hugs :hug:
Armee, I appreciate your support and am glad you are here.
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San, thank you for the validation. I have been made to feel like a lot of things have been my fault in many areas of my life with many people and I am hoping to shift that.
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I've done a lot of processing since yesterday.
I became disregulated both by dynamics with my husband that we engage in from time to time and also by my sensory experiences. I happened to see a post either yesterday or the day before about supporting young autistic people when they are in a meltdown. I glanced at the document shared quickly to see if it would be something I would want to keep for work.
Last night as I was struggling to fall asleep, something clicked - autistic meltdown is similar to emotional flashback is similar to whatever we experience that sets off our fight, flight, freeze, fawn responses. Yesterday I had had too much caffeine, the music my husband was playing in the car was too annoying, and I didn't know what to expect from the hike he planned so my brain was in alarm mode. I realized then that I know how to manage that even if the source is different than when I am in an EF.
Recognizing this made me realize my hypervigilance and fear have been higher of late because I haven't been feeling safe given sensory needs. So, the one affirmation that always seems to help me "I am safe" is back as is more detective work of figuring out what sensory things exactly need support.
Today I feel relatively more at peace. My husband gave me space today which I appreciated...and it seemed like he recognized his own need for space to deal with some things he needed to take care of.
I still don't know we move forward with some of the stuff he said to me recently - namely that I decided for us that we aren't having kids, that he feels like he is missing out on things in his hometown, and that he believes he will be responsible for his parents when they need support as they age. The kids thing really got under my skin because he has literally never expressed a desire for children. The other stuff with his family is not new but is clearly not going to go away. And it's leaving me wondering "why the heck do we keep doing this?"
I am trying out a few adjustments this week with things I eat and drink. I have wondered for a long time if further reducing my caffeine intake would help, so I am going to combine decaf and regular coffee to start reducing. I am also going to try make smoothies for breakfast to get more fruit and veggies into my daily intake.
This will be an interesting week as my husband begins his therapy journey. I can face whatever comes up. The question I found myself asking today is how I know when to care for myself and when to care for the relationship? Currently in a place where I need to prioritize caring for myself.
All really good realizations, Rainy. I'm sorry things are so tough and that this issue with his hometown and parents keeps disrupting things. It isn't fair at all for H to blame you for not having kids. I hope things go well for him in therapy and that it helps in some way.
I think you're right there's so much overlap between autism symptoms and cptsd symptoms. I was convinced I did have autism for a good while. Even with the sensory stuff. And I was just thinking today about masking and how much I have to mask the trauma symptoms and how much of a relief it is to be able to just be myself in a group of other people with trauma. I have no doubt the added layer of autism makes it even more overwhelming. :grouphug:
sounds like a good priority to me, rainy. so sorry you're H is stuck in his hometown w/ his folks. that kind of thing doesn't help to make someone feel 'safe'. love and hugs :hug:
Gentle hugs if you want them, Rainy. Hope your H finds therapy helpful and can grow from it. Also, do you like regular or greek yogurt? Sometimes I'll layer that in a mug with some healthy granola and eat it. Plenty of protein and kinda refreshing in the heat!
Was thinking about you today, so thought I'd stop by and offer a :hug:
Armee, San, CF, and Eireanne, thank you for your support and comfort.
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My husband and I are going to try couples counseling.
Today it occurred to me that while I am hurt by my parents and dynamics at work and friendships/interactions with others, what hurts the most is the pain I feel in my marriage.
There have been lots of difficult moments in our relationship but the one that I cannot seem to reconcile is his words to me in the aftermath of his brother's death. At that time, his words were he can't be that far away from his family anymore.
It made me feel like our relationship and the life we were making in our previous state were a joke and not real.
I worry about couple's counseling being about what I've done wrong. I don't see our issues as something someone has done wrong but rather as two wounded people that didn't have strong or healthy relationship skills who ultimately may have value conflicts that weren't properly discussed before getting married.
We'll see how this goes. I cried a lot today. And had a good massage with the massage therapist here that I trust the most.
I did not sleep well last night. I am so scared and yet also so soul weary.
I had a feeling that when my husband tried therapy it would result in more demand on me. I agree that we have things we could work on together...but I am worried about all of the trauma he has that he isn't acknowledging and dealing with.
My worry is that this will be gaslighting me and that I won't be able to advocate for myself.
I will also need to make adjustments to accommodate this in my life.
I took the chance to tell my mom what is going on. Sharing about my life with my parents is a tricky thing. My mom seems supportive but also is really mad at my husband which makes me feel pressure. Or judged - like I made a bad decision.
Hopefully my nervous system will settle a bit today.
:hug:
There's so much hurt right now. I'm sorry.
I am sorry you are struggling with all of this. I do a lot of worrying about things that might happen and it is exhausting. For me it is part of my trauma response. My therapist and I are working on how I can believe that I have strength and agency now - that I can manage whatever circumstances come up and do not need to worry and pre-plan for everything before it happens. Some of what I fear may never happen. In fact, most of it never does. From what I read of your posts, I think you are stronger than you feel. You may not have to deal with gaslighting - but if you do, I think you will be able to recognise it for what it is and will be able to advocate for yourself.
I hope you feel more calm and settled soon.
:hug:
I also didn't sleep well...which feels like a layer on top of everything else that was already challenging. I hope you're able to get through the day as best you can under the circumstances. There seems to be a lot of moving pieces and as you're navigating them it's bringing up a lot of worries that are all valid, factoring in the context you have. Fingers crossed the therapist is a good fit for you and your husband.
Armee, thank you for helping me acknowledge the hurt.
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NarcKiddo, I appreciate your perspective. I think I too need reminders that I have agency and am not still that little powerless child. Thank you for your support.
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Eireanne, I appreciate your support. Sleep definitely impacts me a lot yet is something that can be so up and down.
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I am writing today from a more settled place.
I think my husband bringing up couples counseling was really unsettling even though it's something I suggested we try 3 years ago. I was upset because he went to his therapy appointment and the therapist seemed to fixate on us as a couple as opposed to his needs. I interpreted that that my husband didn't want to address his needs. I was wrong - he told me yesterday he felt like the therapist he saw was trying to push him toward something he feels comfortable with (which is couples).
I didn't have a positive experience with the therapist I've been seeing yesterday. I think that I need to take a break from that because what is eating at me is my relationship to my husband and this person can't help me address it. I felt him grabbing at straws yesterday and he said some things about autism that I found so unhelpful and that he is othering me given his view of autism.
My mom went down a path she always does when I reach out and share about difficult things. She got really triggered I think and then it stops being about receiving support from her and about me helping her manage her own feelings. I stepped out of that dynamic really quickly but it still leaves an impression each time it happens. I don't feel like she likes my husband and that makes it hard.
I don't want my relationship with my husband to end. I am really stressed through at how persistent the unhealthy attachment to his family is. I can see how the past several years I've just been waiting for him to get up and leave to go back to them. Constantly being told that he doesn't like our life and not being able to grapple with detaching himself from his family by not addressing his trauma is taking a toll.
I want the uncertainty to go away. But it won't. I will try my best to be present and remember I am capable of managing this.
I'm often so frustrated when dealing with people who "other" me. It took me SO MANY FAILS before I finally found a therapist that fits my needs. Sending you validation for the things you are feeling right now...the switching in roles with your mom, your stress about your husband...but yes, you ARE capable of managing it. :cheer: Here's hoping you find the support you need.
Rainy, I'm so sorry to hear all the inner and outer struggles your having. :hug:
Sending support and well wishes that things will turn around for you and your husband.
I'm sorry that your session with T was disappointing. Also sorry that your mom turned what you shared to focus on her needs.
Eireanne, I appreciate the support and understanding. I'm glad I recognized this and can put my effort into finding other supports.
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Denali, I appreciate your support. :hug:
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Not Alone, thank you - these types of set backs make it hard for me to trust others but I am aware and hoping to not let it set me back too much.
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Today I am writing from a place of strength.
Just a few minutes ago, my dad texted me which I was really surprised by. I think it was his way of checking in on me and it was supportive today.
Around 8 years ago, I was visiting my parents so that I could see my grandpa whose health was failing. On the way to their house, my dad and I had a moment that was so abusive and it really woke me up to what my childhood had been like. I could feel his anger and how much he wanted to hurt me. In that moment he said something about he couldn't imagine being in an unhappy marriage. At that time I didn't see my marriage as unhappy (although it absolutely was).
I hate that time and moment with my dad. I hate his anger and how it wounded me. It makes me angry now when he and my mom say I need to communicate with my husband. While that may be true in some ways, I do not accept the responsibility of "failed communication"with my husband. He has a role in it too.
In reflecting on the mismatch between me and the therapist I was meeting with, I see now that I was masking a bit for his benefit. I was saying things I know mental health professionals like to talk about but it wasn't what was really bothering me.
What is really bothering me is that I have always been a little ahead of my husband in terms of our relationship and I have been waiting for a while now for him to catch up to where we are now. Now I'm not sure if we have been walking the same path.
We did have a meaningful day yesterday and are still working to find a couples counselor. I feel a lot of unease in really being misunderstood by another professional. It makes me want to be careful what I tell them about being autistic.
Tonight I am starting a 5 week mosaic course and I am really looking forward to it even though the thought of going makes me feel exhausted.
o, rainy, i love mosaics! i hope you're able to enjoy the class.
i'm glad you're going to see a couples counselor. i do hope those family issues, esp. w/ your H, come out and can get looked at and hopefully resolved. what he said after his brother died and what's been going on since then sounds like unresolved trauma to me (my opinion only). i really do wish the best for both of you and that your marriage can work. love and hugs :hug:
"I feel a lot of unease in really being misunderstood by another professional. It makes me want to be careful what I tell them about being autistic."
I relate to that a lot, More and more I see how people take something I say and run it through their own definition of what that word means to them, and then they filter everything I say through that definition, even if it's not what I mean. It's very frustrating and makes me hesitant to share just anticipating being misunderstood and the effort it take people to listen to understand. It's exhausting. :hug:
San, I enjoyed the first class and think it will be a positive experience.
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Eireanne, it is exhausting. It makes it hard for me to trust others to support me in healing.
............
*sigh*
Well, I opened up a conversation for my husband and I tonight that was difficult to have.
I think the reality that we both wanted different things in terms of where we want to live and relationship to family may have left wounds that I'm not sure we can mend.
He is really angry at me and is blaming me for a lot of things. Some of them I definitely contributed to the dynamic we are in now, some of them are not about me.
We are still trying to find a counselor. It is difficult to find availability in our area.
I am really tired now. We need to have these conversations because it's all been sitting there for years. But it is really hard and painful.
I didn't sleep well last night after the conversation with my husband.
Today I took my cat to the vet and received a lot of detailed information about her kidney disease. She is developing new symptoms. We are waiting to see how her lab values look.
It is a lot to have my marriage and my cat struggles at the same time.
It is a lot. :grouphug:
:hug:
Armee and Eireanne, I appreciate the support. :hug:
............
Today I am experiencing clarity. The most clarity I have is with what is and has always bothered me the most about my relationship with my husband.
I signed up for this course called Should I Stay or Should I Go with Kate Anthony. The first video in the course was about staying in marriage "for the kids." I wasn't going to watch it because I don't have kids but I'm glad I watched it.
The way she spoke about parent child relationships gave me a way to explain the "yuck" I feel with the relationship between my husband and his parents. What bothers me is his parents expect a lot in return from their kids for having born and raised them. They aren't really parents and almost everything they do is about meeting some need they have which is an inappropriate way of treating children. I am bothered because it keeps my husband in a certain dynamic and role that to date he has not been able to see or make adjustments to.
Sure, we can try and work on our relationship...but that dynamic with his parents and family has changed very little over time and is what I fear will be a wedge between us that we can't overcome. I am not sure how to talk to him about this because I have not handled conversations about his family very well in the past so it is a hot topic. Hopefully when we're able to get into relationship counseling, this can be addressed.
I feel better for understanding this in myself.
With regard to my cat, I was upset yesterday that the vet spoke to me about information she assumed a colleague had told me. I find this vet practice challenging because I meet with different vets each time and have no relationship to anyone there.
My experience yesterday was relatively more positive than the previous two have been. The last communication I had about my cat's labs last November was that they looked good. I didn't know what that meant other than perhaps that her disease hasn't gotten too worse. Apparently based on those labs, the vets know that within 24 months my cat will be in active renal failure. That was not communicated to me and that made me upset. Almost half of that time has passed.
At this point I want to keep her around as long as her quality of life is ok and not just keep her alive for my sake. I don't know exactly what means and right now she seems relatively ok. At least now I can start preparing myself.
Sending a :bighug:
Husband and cat are two really big issues. You know some of my issues with my ex-H. It is confusing and heartbreaking, trying to navigate the relationship. I've also had pets that I've had to put down (cats and a dog). It must be really hard knowing that your kitty is ill. I'm glad that for now she is okay.
Moondance, I appreciate the care.
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Not Alone, thank you for your support. I am definitely feeling up and down these days and will try to articulate that a bit more below.
............
I am trying to enjoy my cat right now. The vet I met with last week called me on Friday and shared about my cat's blood work. For now her kidney disease is relatively stable. Tomorrow I am taking her to the vet for a cardiology exam. I am scared especially if they need to sedate her. I'm always afraid she won't wake up. But I would like the information so am going to see what I learn so am taking the chance.
I am experiencing this pattern where I really feel my strength and power as a person one day. I think a combination of my inner critic and dynamics especially with my husband and others will then muddle that feeling of strength leaving me feeling very confused.
Today I've been reading about mother enmeshed men and really recognize my husband and our dynamic in it.
It is upsetting me a bit and I am becoming critical of myself. My critical thoughts are saying "you should have known better, why did you let this happen?, you should have trusted your gut early on."
I am seeing that because my husband does not see his relationship with his mother especially as inappropriate and yet is angry, that anger is being directed at me.
Over time, but especially within the last four years, I have taken less and less of his crap. The stronger I become, the more our "problems" become bigger. I can see how he is trying to play that he is a victim. And sometimes I am falling back into the pattern of accepting that (like I did last week) and feeling responsibility for things that I don't need to feel responsibility for. When I really think about most of what he said to me in the past month, it felt like a child having a tantrum.
I am sure I have made mistakes in our relationship. But I am also seeing more and more that I have been doing well and it is just not being received or understood by a mature person.
I can have compassion for him. It isn't his fault that his mom especially used him for meeting her emotional needs. I have always sensed that she doesn't like her husband. And instead of dealing with that, she does what she does. It actually makes me really sick thinking about it.
Lately I've been rethinking over a lot of memories from early in my relationship when I did spend a lot more time with them. It's been painful. It is reminding me why I started refusing to be around them so much. But also it is adding to my inner critic of why I didn't leave sooner.
Every time we have a life change, my husband and I enter a dynamic that I now see has happened over and over since the beginning of our relationship. My view and relationship to that dynamic is shifting. It is scaring me a lot because it will mean things are really going to change for me. I cannot continue to experience him telling me one thing while deep down meaning another and then trying to drag me down. Now that I see this hopefully I can take better care.
Quote from: rainydiary on July 23, 2023, 10:31:51 PMMy critical thoughts are saying "you should have known better, why did you let this happen?, you should have trusted your gut early on."
I've had that dance around in my head many times. You are human. You had hopes and desires. You didn't do anything wrong.
Rainydiary, I've read the past 3 pages of your journal. You definitely have quite a lot of your plate. I want to say I see a lot of strength and courage in you, because I see you as dealing with these issues straight on, and being very honest and forthright. What you are going through is very challenging. I have to say, my husband had a very similar relationship with his own mother (she passed 11 years ago), so I know how difficult this situation can be.
I am here cheering for you, and holding space for you. :cheer:
Not Alone, I appreciate that reminder and will try to hold it in mind.
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Natureluvr, thank you for your words and support. I am more and more realizing how common it is for men to be enmeshed with their moms.
............
I don't feel well emotionally today.
I took my cat to the vet this morning and have no idea when her procedure will be done or when I can bring her home. I am also always thrown off by the form I have to sign for sedated procedures - they always ask if I want her to be resuscitated if something happens. I always say no even though it would crush me if she didn't survive something they told me she needs.
I am really feeling out of place today. I was reflecting on how I was never comfortable growing up and rarely accepted as I am. That continues in adulthood.
I hope to take some moments to take care. It is difficult because I am worried about my cat. And it's hard to talk to my husband about it because he gets annoyed. I think he believes I prioritize my cat over him. It's thoughts like that where I see how immature he can be. When I really think about a lot of what he said to me in our intense conversations over the last month, I just see immaturity.
It will especially be important to take care moving forward because the return to work for me will be soon. That may also be some of my unease. It is coming and even when I feel strong, I also continue to doubt and question myself.
:bighug:
I hope taking some time to take care of you will help Rainydiary.
I have a cat as well, she is getting older. I cannot even bear to think of anything going wrong.
I understand how important our dear pets are to us.
I really hope all goes well with this procedure.
Standing with you during this time Rainydiary.
I am really feeling out of place today. I was reflecting on how I was never comfortable growing up and rarely accepted as I am. That continues in adulthood.
Ohhh, this resonates with me so much. Big hugs and warmth thoughts sent your way. :bighug:
rainy :hug:
Moondance, I appreciate your support. I think my cat's health is at a point where things will not be simple anymore moving forward. Hopefully we can at least stabilize a bit after these most recent visits.
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Natureluvr, I appreciate the support. I wish we didn't feel this way.
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Bach, I appreciate the care.
............
I had a good several hours yesterday after I picked up my cat and went to my mosaic class.
I think I did dissociate a bit during those good hours because I filled out intake paperwork for the couple's counselor. I wrote out my experiences in their form and now feel so exposed. It is uncomfortable because the forms are under one log in so my husband could read what I wrote and I could read what he wrote (if he ever does the form). I asked him to not read my form.
Filling out that paperwork made me feel more confused. I have a lot of critical voices within me that I'm not exactly sure where they are coming from for what I wrote. I worry about this process we are embarking on.
I heard from my cat's vet today about her cardiology exam. The vet made some comment about how my cat was grumpy and uncooperative. That triggered me. She was hungry, scared, and didn't understand what was happening. She has also been to the vet a lot lately. I think this person said this because it is making it hard for them to tell what is a symptom and what is behavior.
Her heart currently looks ok but they think she has high blood pressure and want me to give her a medication for that. They also want me to try to get her to eat more wet food. She has never really liked wet food. I will try my best but all of this feels so overwhelming right now.
On top of that, I am starting to feel a bit anxious about going back to work. I am aware of this pattern in myself and hope I can take care. But with the extra stress from my cat and my marriage, I think I will be extra challenged.
:bighug:
Quote from: rainydiary on July 25, 2023, 09:52:08 PMThe vet made some comment about how my cat was grumpy and uncooperative. That triggered me. She was hungry, scared, and didn't understand what was happening. She has also been to the vet a lot lately. I think this person said this because it is making it hard for them to tell what is a symptom and what is behavior.
Kind of crazy for the vet to expect any cat to be cooperative.
:yeahthat:
Lol, yeah that Not Alone. Someone maybe picked the wrong field. :grouphug:
With you Rainy. This all sounds so overwhelming.
Not Alone and Armee, I appreciate the validation. I am struggling with wanting to take my cat to the vet and comments like that don't help.
............
I am feeling really empty inside this afternoon.
I think my anxiety is kicking up. I am worried about work starting, if I can even handle my new work assignment, how my cat is doing, and my marriage. Among all that I realize I'm not really worried about myself - how am I taking care?
My husband is working on his portion of the intake paperwork for our therapy appointment. I am also really worried about that appointment which is coming up on Tuesday.
We have started doing a check in conversation in the mornings. I'm not sure if it is helping. It isn't helping me. Of course, we've only done it a few times and things take time.
*sigh* I didn't want to say what is bothering me the most about my empty feeling but it might be helpful to write down.
I feel empty the most towards my husband. I don't trust what he says. We have conversations and I think things are going or are a certain way. Then he will say he regrets our decisions and then will go into low moods that feel like they are meant to manipulate me. I work so hard and nothing has worked.
I can see him trying to implement suggestions from the book we are reading. He also seems to be reading other sources as he shares things he wants to do that feel like he read some list somewhere. But given that he talks and then later changes what he says, I just can't take it seriously.
I didn't feel empty all day and realize it stems from a continuing education video I watched related to my work as a speech language therapist. During the video, the presenters discussed normalizing being single for a student in a case study. They talked about our cultural messaging around relationships and getting married and how that is often seen as an end goal.
I am realizing I feel so foolish for getting caught up in that narrative. I think I am really mad at myself right now. So back to taking care - I hope I can find a way to take care of myself a bit for the rest of the day.
i hope you find time for you, too, rainy. between that vet, your cat, your marriage, work coming up - so much to deal with. i've had too many relationships where people say one thing, then back out for whatever reason/excuse. not a fan, and my heart goes out to you having to deal w/ that in your marriage. it's no wonder you don't trust what he says. how could you? love and hugs :hug:
Hi Rainydiary,
I also wanted to send some love and hugs your way :hug: You have a lot on your plate at the moment. I hope you were able to take some time to take care of yourself within the day.
Hope :)
Hello Rainy, I'm sorry you are feeling empty this afternoon. I sense your anguish and sadness about the difficult state of your marriage. It's so hard to trust him, when he says something, then later changes what he says. How confusing.
San, it is not my favorite either and I am surprised at how patterned this. It is time to address and will be a good thing to bring up in couples counseling next week.
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Hope, I appreciate the support and care. It is much needed.
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Natureluvr, I appreciate you naming trust as I see that is a big thing going on.
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I am noticing how I tend to look calm on the outside with racing thoughts and lots of inner activity. That is rather normal for me, but some of that busyness is making me tired. I think reducing caffeine has helped especially at night.
This morning my husband shared with me a financial issue he has kept to himself for years. He placed some money in a stock that has not done well and he has lost a lot of money.
Part of me is like "whatever" because it is money that he earned. Thankfully we have separate bank accounts and haven't "shared" a lot of money over the years.
Most of me feels a pit in my stomach. Another example of him not telling me something important which makes trust difficult.
His family dynamic is making me ill and I'm not hopeful he is ever going to understand that. He thinks his issue about being "homesick" - the specific place isn't the issue, because his family would be like this no matter where they were from.
Today he learned that his sister married a guy she has known from online since she was a teenager. He is not from the US and they chose to get married today so he can remain in the country. I cannot express how uneasy the whole situation makes me feel.
His parents are coming here soon and I feel like it is going to make me explode. Them coming at this point is a bad idea. Thankfully (but also annoyingly) I will have work commitments most of the days they are here.
I know I am entering a cross roads in my life. I am trying to be open to seeing how this goes before deciding. The Should I Stay or Should I Go course is helping.
I have a lot to integrate and anticipate.
Hi Rainydiary,
I haven't posted because I have no helpful words regarding relationships.
I can and want to be supportive and encouraging.
I really admire and appreciate each of your posts. Your wisdom and strength shows up in each of your posts during this difficult time. There is so much going on and one step at a time you are persevering.
I hope you will or have done something to take care of you today. The course your taking sounds like a good support as well.
Thank you for sharing
Moondance, I appreciate your support. It is helpful to have you on my team.
............
I feel like I've been on the go all day and haven't really settled.
I did go for a walk which I enjoyed.
I tried to tell my husband this morning that I am having trouble with trust. He said he doesn't understand my examples.
What is underneath this is that I feel betrayed. I feel like he has broken promises with me.
Over time I probably have stopped trying in some ways.
I keep asking myself what it is I feel for my husband and what it is I want to do. Right now I feel empty at both of those questions. I wish I had an answer and a clear one at that. I feel a lot of stress that I don't.
I suppose I need to things move on a bit and see how Tuesday goes.
Today I heard a description of autism that really helped me on The Neurodivergent Woman podcast. The person was talking about how to them autism means having a highly connected brain (in terms of neural pathways). I like that and it helps me understand myself a bit more.
Quote from: rainydiary on July 26, 2023, 11:13:11 PMBut given that he talks and then later changes what he says, I just can't take it seriously.
I really relate to this. In my case, I think my H would say either what he thought he
should say or he said what he thought would get him out of
trouble. He also would not say anything, thinking that was the safest route. His main goal was to stay regulated, which meant trying to keep me from being upset ("content," in his words). Trust yourself. Listen. Observe.
I remembered that I was very triggered by my dogs vet, quite some time ago. It kept me from taking the dog in for awhile. Over time and further interactions with vet, I was no longer triggered, but I remember it being really difficult.
rainy,
i'm with you on all this marriage stuff. it's a tough row to hoe, figure out, make sense of, look at options, make decisions about. all of it can be difficult, especially when you can't navigate feelings very clearly. hang tough, ok? it will come to you when you need it. love and hugs :hug:
Echoing what Not Alone and San are saying.
:bighug:
Not Alone, I think I see a similar thing happening with me and my husband. I appreciate your support. :hug:
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San, thank you for the validation and reminder. This is hard.
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Moondance, thank you the support.
:hug:
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Today we will have our first appointment for marriage counseling. I feel unsettled.
I'm also beginning to feel a lot of anticipatory stress about work. My brain keeps calling to mind painful moments from work.
My cat is mostly ok but I feel worried about balancing her care with work.
I am feeling like I am not cut out for relationships of any kind.
oh rainy,
QuoteI am feeling like I am not cut out for relationships of any kind.
i know this one all too well. i just tried it out a month ago w/ someone from my past, it flopped, i stressed out, and i had to end it. that took all of 4 weeks. i'm just so sorry you're having to go thru this, but i don't think it needs to be all on your head. he's putting in his fair share of problems for you to try to maneuver.
hope your session goes well. best to you with everything. love and hugs :hug:
:yeahthat:
I hope the counselling goes well. You have enough to worry about already with work and your cat.
Hi Rainy, just wondering how the counselling went today? I was also wondering if you shared with the counsellor on the form you filled out that you are a survivor, and also whether they are trained in trauma? From all that we share here we know how difficult relationships are for us and IMO that's crucial for any professional to know and understand about relational trauma.
I was thinking of how many of us dissociate, just go away when something is hard for us in a relationship and how that feels like emptiness. It may be that we don't care for the person as much anymore, or that we don't know how to stay present and work things out. That's what I mean about the counsellor knowing what may be going on and helping you to get to that.
Anyway, just some thoughts. I hope it went okay. :hug:
Hi Rainydiary,
How did the couples councelling go today? I hope it went okay - can be so stressful at times - adding to the stress you are already experiencing.
Kizzie makes a great point about trauma informed professional. That could make all the difference.
Sending encouraging abdxsupportive thoughts your way today Rainydiary.
:hug:
San, I appreciate the support and reminder to remember my husband has contributed.
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Armee, I appreciate your support. :hug:
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NarcKiddo, I appreciate your support - this is a lot in addition to everything else. It's annoying how it feels like everything happens all at once.
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Kizzie, I appreciate the thoughts. The counselor is trained in trauma and so far they seemed like they will be supportive. She was attuned to my reactions today and gave me space to share. I appreciate the distinctions about dissociation - this may be really important as our next session is going to be focused on family.
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Moondance, I appreciate the support. I will share an update below.
............
Well, we made it through our first appointment and have another set in 2 weeks.
I don't suppose anything was said that hasn't come up in the past several months.
But hearing my husband describe his "close" family to the therapist and saying he hopes I will learn to compromise by hanging out with them more made me both sad and angry. He does not understand that the impact their enmeshment has on us.
I felt like the therapist was really skilled and I felt comfortable with her. She appeared to notice my cues and seemed supportive.
Next session we are going to talk about families. That will be a lot. But at least I'll know that and can be as prepared as I can.
Today my husband and I both said we are wondering if our relationship should continue. Given the anger I heard in his voice today, I am feeling really indifferent about all the ridiculous relationship stuff we've been doing. I am wanting to shut down and tell him to go away.
I tried sharing my experiences with my mom which became a bad idea. She overreacted and I felt like I had to explain myself. I will have to be careful with what I share with her moving forward. It's hard because I would like my parents' support and wish I had a family where I could feel supported.
I think I am raw after that meeting. My husband is going to be away this evening which will be for the best.
:bighug:
I'm so glad the T is trauma I informed.
It's all so much Rainydiary.
:yeahthat: I too am glad you are comfortable with the T and that she is TI. That is really important period, but especially when it comes to family relationships. Hopefully the T can help your H to understand what enmeshment is and how and why it affects you like it does.
:hug:
Moondance, I'm glad they are too and I appreciate your support.
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Kizzie, I think it will be important too. I got a generally good vibe from this place and today requested individual therapy. Whatever is coming I am going to need more support and I haven't had luck yet in finding a person that I work well with in therapy.
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I'm not feeling very well today. This is mostly going to be me rambling about thoughts I can't seem to put together in my mind.
When I really think about some of the things my husband and I discussed yesterday in our session (which had been brought up before together), I feel so deflated and am not motivated to try to make this relationship work anymore. I think I am moving toward knowing what direction I want to move in.
Hearing him say the things he said to me a few weeks ago to the therapist put a different lens on the words. It made me wonder what the heck we are doing if we both acknowledge that we aren't happy and don't particularly like each other anymore. I don't think that is going to change because the underlying issues are still present.
I'm having the biggest challenge hearing him talk about his family because he clearly hasn't shifted at all in his relationship to them in the years I've known him. Right now I'm not sure if things he says to me are coming from him or them.
I'm also challenged by his recent frustration that we don't have kids. He has literally never said anything about it in 15 years and now it is a huge deal. Admittedly yes, I did establish a firm boundary about kids because I do not want to be a mother and I also knew that given his family dynamics I would struggle even more. Given how little he helps me around the house, I also sensed a long time ago that he wouldn't have helped me with kids. So yeah, it was a hard pass for me. We probably should have talked it out more than we did, but again because he didn't bring it up and when I from time to time asked him about it, he said he was fine with our arrangement.
I'm also really struggling with the idea that I am the problematic one. Have I really "kept" him from being with his family or doing things he likes? He seems to think so and the hang up for him is that it's because I don't always participate. So, when his parents pick random days to visit us and I still have to work and I set boundaries about my time, that's inappropriate. He said one of his goals for our counseling was for us (when really he meant me) to learn compromise especially with time I spend with his family. That really floored me because I believe I have compromised and done what I can.
I want to share with him some of my reactions to our appointment yesterday but am not sure how. I might need to feel more calm before doing so. I hope to be amicable moving forward because I sense that he could turn very nasty to me if I am not careful.
:hug:
I'm so sorry Rainy. Especially feeling like you have to be cautious
Armee, thank you. As I reflect, I realize what I said is a really heavy and huge thing and means things aren't actually ok.
I just watched a video on abuse that made me realize abuse may be present at times in my relationship. I haven't necessarily seen it as such because it is subtle and is different enough than what I grew up with but also the cycle feels "familiar."
I have some work to do. I am safe and will be safer now that I realize.
so glad you've gotten to a point of feeling safe, rainy. i, too, heard your words about having to be careful cuz you weren't sure if he'd turn nasty. yep, that's huge. and abuse can take many forms - having to live in fear is one of them. so very sorry you're going thru this. love and hugs :hug:
I'm sorry to read your recent updates in one way, but in another I think they are good because they indicate you are thinking clearly about the whole situation. Perhaps having him say things to a third party in front of you enables you to process more of what he is actually saying because you are not having them directed straight at you. If someone scary or potentially dangerous is engaging you directly, especially with nobody else present, then you are quite entitled to feel scared and to (unconsciously, probably) devote a lot of your brain's processing power towards protection rather than analysing precisely what they are saying.
I hope I am not speaking out of turn, but the kids issue smacks a bit to me of a "get out of jail free" card he has kept for himself. You made your boundary clear and have asked him over the years if he remained fine with it. It sounds like he has had ample opportunity to speak up on the issue if he was changing his mind or wanted to discuss with you again. Alternatively, his family have seen it as a "get out of jail free" card, even if he hasn't, and are now whispering into his ear. Of course I could be way off, but that's what your post suggests to me.
I loathe the suggestion that you are keeping him from his family because you don't participate in everything he does with them. You married him, not his family. If he were physically unable to spend time with his family unless you facilitated it, he may have a point. Also, do his family want to spend time with you anyway? Or does he use you as some kind of buffer between him and his family? When I was considering divorce my family was thrilled and accused my husband of keeping me from them. Totally unfounded but I realised I was (subconsciously) using him as a buffer against them. Actually, my family's delight at the prospect of my leaving him backfired as I re-thought the whole thing.
I think you are wise to make sure you are calm and have thought things through before discussing any aspects with him. I'm glad to read you have also requested individual therapy. I think that is a very good idea.
San, Thank you for the thoughts and perspective. It's weird how used to our own world we get and don't always understand or see what is going on. Also beginning to recognize what is going on is tough in it's own way.
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NarcKiddo, I appreciate your perspective and it is possible you are on to something. It is suspect that he is making a mountain out of this right now and I absolutely believe his parents are a part of this. I don't think he sees me as a buffer with them but for some reason expects me to want to spend time with them in the same way as him. I do think he gets pressure from them because I don't "act right." He says they don't put pressure on him which is counter to my perception of their relationship. I also appreciate the perspective of being a "third party." I do tend to interpret things differently when I am able to observe versus being the sole active participant.
............
I feel run down today. I have a reminder on my to do list to slow down and nourish.
This morning my husband told me he is sad and a chapter he read in the John Gottman book we are reading seemed to give him food for thought. He apologized for not expressing his needs.
While I appreciate his self reflection, I also feel hesitancy and caution within myself.
First of all, yesterday I did say I was feeling low and needed to talk to him. My feeling low and needing to talk about it isn't given the same space as his feeling low. I am "being silent and upset." I'm getting tired of feeling like I am not communicating when I know I am.
Also, there are some things I'm not sure I can accept an apology for. Especially because I feel like all of this is a charade to get me to "act right" in the context of his family. Which means producing children and living near them.
He seems to be very clear on where I stand given that he has made choices based on that. But instead of recognizing that, he says I am rejecting everything about who he is. I asked him why he has stayed with someone that leaves him feeling that way and he didn't have a good answer.
I can see how my husband's trauma leads him to act in certain ways. He says he is worried about upsetting me which is why he doesn't tell me things. That feels like mostly an excuse as well as my armchair diagnosis that this is about his worry about upsetting his mother who expects him to meet her needs.
Good grief I am so tired and so confused.
I did find rest this afternoon and while resting I realized how exhausted my marriage makes me.
I have "blamed" lots of things for making me tired - work, how my brain works, other people. Those things do tire me out.
But so does the effort I expend trying to make this work.
The course I'm doing has a relationship inventory activity. I am going to focus on that for a bit and see what it brings up.
Hi Rainydiary,
I am glad you found some rest during the afternoon. You have a lot to deal with, and it is exhausting to deal with all of that. Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok :hug:
I hope you find the relationship inventory activity brings up some interesting things. I want you to know that I value your support here in this forum, and I value your presence here.
Hope :)
Hello Rainy, it sounds like you are working on hard on your relationship with your husband, and it is exhausting. It is tough when your husband is enmeshed with his family, like it sounds as though yours might be. Sending warm thoughts of peace and rest your way, and prayers, if that is OK.
:hug:
Hope, thank you for what you said. I appreciate your support.
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Natureluvr, thank you for your support. It helps.
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Eireanne, :hug:
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I am feeling empty today. I have been doing so much learning both personal and professional. I need some time to integrate.
Today I watched a video about codependency. I learned some things but still very much struggle with this concept. It feels like it doesn't take into account how our brains work. I find any information I find about it lands as judgmental and harsh to me. I think that if it supports someone in understanding their experiences and helps with healing, I get it. But it doesn't work for me and leaves me agitated.
I don't have much else in me today.
I agree with the codependent stuff. It always hits me as very harsh, judgemental, blaming without any empathy for the conditions that are at play.
I also agree with your comments about codependency. It does feel judgemental. I think it takes a very gentle and empathetic T to help someone who may be codependent.
I hope you can take some time for yourself this weekend, Rainy, to relax and take care of yourself.
gentle hugs if you want them, Rainy. I agree, it needs to be dealt with gently and with support. Wishing you peace.
Thank you all - I'm glad I'm not the only one that experiences this reaction. I do think the underlying information that people that have experienced abuse and trauma relate to others differently and often in unhealthy ways resonates. But I struggle with the tone of "this is a disease" and you need to get yourself together. I think that this is filtered through a lens of the medical model of disability which emphasizes the individual as being the "problem" and being "treated" and "fixed" for the problem. A lot of our stuff as humans doesn't fit nicely into that.
I am struggling today. I was looking forward to some massages coming up as my massage therapist is really helpful to me. But they were cancelled because the building where they are located had a fire and they will need time to make the building safe. I am really disappointed even though it isn't their fault.
I am also feeling a lot of pain as I process and wonder what is next. I have often worried about my husband leaving me but have not considered my own agency in this. I am scared of my agency.
I'm also in pain because I don't see us reconciling the issues he is raising about kids and his family.
The only way I can cope with his family is a lot of distance. Without that, his dad shows up like he is a "friend" to things we plan and his mom says mean things to me when no one else is around and we get sucked into roles that require us to act like we are not adults (early morning Christmas wake ups, Easter baskets, etc).
I get no support from him on what I need with regard to his family so I have in many ways given up. At the heart of this I literally don't want to be a part of his family. I would not care if I never saw his parents again.
I am also in pain because I do see him trying to establish a connection I'm not sure we ever really had. Even in the beginning of our relationship he did a lot of hurtful things I didn't really address because I didn't want him to leave. I'm not able to "fake" this especially since it seems like this relationship isn't really working.
We have another appointment scheduled for the 15th because next week the therapist is out of the office. I am curious to hear what questions come up as she said this appointment would focus on families.
I didn't sleep well last night. I woke up to a sound that might have been my cat throwing up.
My brain went to some difficult places where I recognized that touch and sex are extremely challenging for me. My sexual history is more categorized by SA than I have really acknowledged or faced. I think it is time to start processing more.
Another thought that came up in the night is how alone I've felt my entire life. I have more understanding now as to why that is but it felt important to recognize that too.
Yesterday we went an outdoor music festival held in our town. I generally enjoyed the experience. Concerts tend to be really overwhelming to my nervous system even if I like the music. Earplugs help and I found that being outdoors helped too. I was able to focus too on nature (like plants and small creatures) as people watching tends to overwhelm me too.
I felt pressure yesterday during the event as I watched couples. I feel so much pressure in my relationship to act certain ways to show I am "trying."
Those things are big struggles for me too Rainy and I couldn't imagine trying to work through it with someone who doesn't feel safe. It is hard enough with someone I theoretically trust. I just wish for the best outcome for you from all this hard work, whether that is coming to a closer relationship with your H or finding freedom to be safely yourself on your own.
I relate to the concert experience.
Thinking of you on this tough journey.
rainy, i think the 'disease' model of codependency sounds like a 12-step model -alcoholism, drug addiction, any 'addiction' is often categorized as a disease. i think it's meant to ease the burden of guilt and shame on the addict. they have their own group, CODA (co-dependents anonymous) - been there for a little while. but, like any 'talk' therapy, it doesn't get to the root of the problem, nor does it look at the interactions or backgrounds of the people involved. trauma, however, is not an addiction, and it sounds like you and your H have both been traumatized. that's a beast of a whole 'nother color.
as for all the rest you're going thru, all the feelings, especially the fear of where this relationship might end up, including your own agency in the matter, i can only tell you how awful it sounds, and i'm sorry you have to go thru it. sending love and a hug filled with confidence and clarity. :hug:
Rainy, it sounds like you have quite a lot to process, but it sounds as though you are doing a good job of working through things. I'm sorry for the pain that you are going through, and the tough decisions that you have to make.
I can relate when you say you have felt alone for your entire life. Sending warm thoughts and hugs, if that's OK. :hug:
Armee, I appreciate knowing I am not the only one that faces the questions and challenges with touch.
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San, thank you for the information and perspective on codependence. I think am especially sensitive to the way it's discussed because it also reminds me of shifts that need to happen in schools and in how we treat children through education. Right now a lot of focus is given to outward behavior without any question of what might going on inside. Thank you for your support of me.
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Natureluvr, thank you for that encouragement and support.
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I am feeling weird today. This tends to happen when the start of work is around the corner.
I am trying to ease myself back into work routines so it isn't too much of a shock in two weeks when I wake up and have to go in. But I'm also trying to find rest too.
I am feeling vulnerable as I contacted some people at the school I will be at to request being added to their email list. It is a reasonable request and one that I'm sure they will honor...but the putting myself out there tension begins.
Yesterday as I processed I recognized how much control has been present in my life. What was different in my noticing is recognizing how hard I have tried to control myself. I feel a lot of grief for the past and for choices I made without knowing better and for all the pressure I put on myself. I am trying to let some of that go because very little is actually in my control. But I am also grieving for the younger and littler mes that didn't have enough information or support.
Yesterday a friend I made right before the pandemic reached out to me. She shared about an experience she had in her job which was exactly like the one where I ended up quitting 2 months in to the school year after the constant bullying. Hearing her story gave me perspective and it made me feel less alone because I am not the only one that experienced something like that. It shows me that there are very broken systems. I'm glad that I could be a person she came to.
I hope I can be as easy as I can on myself because next week and the one after will be too much. My in-laws will be here next week. Going back to work is stressful enough without that extra pressure.
it's so hard for me to comprehend how quickly the summer and your time off from work has gone. dang, rainy, so little rest, time to reflect, and get yourself back together before it begins all over again. and with everything else going on, yeah, too much. there seems to be a lot of that we're dealing with here. i'm glad your friend reached out to you and it was so positive. love and hugs :hug:
San, I am also so surprised that my time off is basically gone. My summer did not at all go how I hoped and a lot of it wasn't particularly restful. I'll say more below. I appreciate your support.
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San's comment has me reflecting on how another point of anxiety is building up in me. I know people are going to ask, "How was your summer?" It's hard for me to not want to be honest and saying the expected "It was good" feels like such a lie I can't bear it.
I am writing again today because I am deeply agitated and hope that writing will help me leave the room I'm in right now.
I just worked on part of the relationship inventory and wrote about the 5 most hurtful incidents in my marriage. There are 5 very clear, very strong events. Going back through those has upset me a lot.
I am wanting to be critical to myself for not seeing the red flags. And right now I feel so angry. These are the things that are eating away at our marriage and always have.
Thankfully tonight I have my mosaic class and hope that will help me ease my tension a bit. But I have to survive the next few hours before I go.
:hug:
I resonate with answering such a question Rainydiary. I very often lie and say I'm good or It was good. And I hate lying.
The weird thing is I was just thinking about that. I lie to protect myself or because I feel I have to protect myself.
Sending strength your way if at all helpful.
I relate a great deal to many of your thoughts and feelings regarding your marriage. It's really hard.
Armee, much appreciated :hug:
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Moondance, I appreciate the understanding. We'll see if I'm asked the question tomorrow. Interestingly I saw a post on social media about being trauma informed and not asking students that question. I think the same trauma informed-ness should be extended to adults.
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Not Alone, I appreciate your support and understanding. I feel like I have a long road ahead.
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Well, what I worried would happen has happened.
Yesterday I had a sense I would do something to pick a fight because I am carrying so much anger and pain that hasn't been addressed between us.
After being kind of mopey all day, my husband hugs me when I was busy and then brings up the chapter in the Gottman book we read about setting up a date night. I think that plus a difficult day of trying to manage my feelings about work and the prospect of all that is coming in the next week, I got activated.
I tried to express that I don't feel like I am good at relationships. Which maybe I didn't need to say and it definitely wasn't received well. I didn't mean it as a personal comment to him - I was intending to share my experience. He gets offended and leaves to get ready for his bowling club.
When he comes back, I try to repair by saying "I worry that what I said created distance between us." To which he says "It feels like there is no point in trying."
Right now I am trying to not take all of that exchange on myself. The perception I have is that he doesn't want to talk about hard stuff and is wanting to focus on lighter things.
It isn't a bad thing to work on the relationship but in our case being nicer to each other doesn't solve the challenge that I feel like there's always been a third person in our relationship and that we have some big traumas that have not been addressed.
I feel like I am trying. We just aren't trying at the same things. And I can't handle all the stuff happening with work starting and his family coming. Plus his birthday falls when they are here.
And just as I pushed "post," it occurs me to how this also about a lot of unmet needs in addition to the anger and difficult experiences.
Perhaps I can try to express needs better but I'm not doing well with that with my husband.
Yes I agree with this as well Rainydiary - I think the same trauma informed-ness should be extended to adults.
I find it difficult to express my needs with anyone and have even more difficulty expressing them if I don't feel safe.
I'm glad your not taking everything on yourself.
Sending supportive hug if helpful.
Thank you for the support Moondance.
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I've been feeling ashamed about my posts of late and of just how hard of a time I've been having.
Today was a real break of routine. I went to a special day long meeting for a committee I am on.
I am exhausted by the experience. Too much information and focused attention and being in a crowded room. Plus I sat with all these people that are administrators and the dynamic is just weird. They stay stuff in front of me that feels like I shouldn't hear. Another example of being assumed to be more mature than I am so in a way it is really triggering to all the times I was assumed to be an adult when I was like 12 years old.
But also I just feel left out when they talk. I don't know why I'm there other than for them to check a box that they are including staff.
A very good thing about today is I saw the principal from the school I wanted to stay at. It was really validating to hear again he wishes I was returning and to debrief with him on my experiences. It is fortunate that I happened to go for a walk and was in the hallway he was in. I am grateful for that encounter. I was valued and wanted and safe at that school with the exception of a few annoying people (who he saw through).
I also feel really fortunate to have seen the presenter today. She was really engaging and shared useful information. Her presentation and perspective helped me feel like I am the right track.
I will say my husband and I had a conversation this morning that helped me feel more heard and connected. There is still a lot to sort out, but hopefully we can keep finding productive moments.
My hope is to just rest the rest of the evening. Today was a lot.
I don't know what made me think of this, but yesterday I went through some old emails to see if I had written examples of my in-laws' behavior.
I found two that really stood one. One was essentially a "bill" my father in law sent out. The family was going to take a trip to a place in the old state my husband and I lived in. The "bill" was what each person's share was because "they couldn't afford to pay for everyone." My family was wonky about money but this nickel and diming your kids to subsidize a vacation you want to take really left me feeling icky.
Specific to that time, I think why it came to mind is because it was around this time of year it took place. It was about 7 years ago. My husband and I had left his "home" a year prior. We hadn't gone back for Christmas as we had gone to visit my family. I was also about to start a new job and found an email where I told them I was busy and probably wouldn't be around much. His mom sent an email that the subtext was "that's nice but we expect to see you." I ended up not going.
When the actual trip happened, my husband and his mom got into a fight about me. He actually left and came back to our apartment. I felt like it was a breakthrough...until a few days later he went back. Which was so disappointing because I wanted his support of me when I started my new job.
The other email I found was sent by his mom after that trip. It was a long manifesto about how important it is to keep family ties even though when everyone gets together it is "wild and crazy." The last line of the email said some version of "so either come home or we'll come visit you (JK)."
Looking back at all of this, I see that my husband was expected to pay more of the "bill" because they expected me to go (my schedule was not considered). Given that his dad "bills" him for things, it is no wonder to me he is so weird and uptight about money.
At the time I received it, I interpreted his mom's email as a telling off to me (assuming I had "ruined her trip" as I had previously "ruined her Christmas" as she told me once). I see it is a bit more nuanced now. She was also reinforcing her narrative to my husband of how he is supposed to act. She took no responsibility for herself. It's fine for me to never see my family as long as I am always doing whatever she wants me to do.
I am unsettled by these emails. It was a reminder to me that I did not make up all the things that happened. There are reasons why I needed boundaries with them mostly that they are abusive and I could see it in their family because I could see it in mine.
The part that hurts and is hard on my marriage is my husband doesn't see this stuff as bad. It is normal to him and he doesn't understand that it is hurtful and not ok. His parents will be here next week and it feels like deja vu - trips I refuse to go on, not considering my schedule, starting work.
Plus next week when we do couples counseling I think we are talking about family. Part of me wonders if a therapist can tell when someone is enmeshed and/or has an unhealthy family dynamic. I wrote in my intake form my experience of his family. I think I worry I won't be believed by this person.
All of this is really to say I continue to give myself a hard time for not getting out when I realized the depth and reach of their disfunction. I thought my husband wanted to be free of it, but time is showing me I was very very wrong.
I'm really proud of you that you can see the dysfunction and not take it all on you. You are strong and I'm glad you are able to stand up for yourself so well. Some therapists can see these dynamics and some can't. But the ones who can see it almost have a sixth sense for it.
I'm so sorry they are coming right before work starts. That is incredibly insensitive.
Armee, thank you for your support. I am hoping the therapist we are seeing picked up on given that she made the suggestion we talk about families in our next session.
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I was feeling relatively calm until I saw that my husband has put the picture of his sister and niece back on his work desk. I specifically remember telling him it makes me uncomfortable because I wrote about it on here. I'm sure he "forgot." I can't explain but it just feels weird and off. I'm worried that the therapist he is working with individually is validating his weird family stuff.
I am trying to hold it together until our next couples session on Tuesday. I also signed up individual counseling with the same practice we are doing couples at. I am not sure I will ever find a therapist I feel comfortable with, but we'll see.
I am reminding myself that I have done and am doing all I can to be prepared for work. I am rather bothered by the behavior of the people that are my bosses after my work training on Wednesday. I felt like there is such a disconnect between what they say and what they do. I am really uncomfortable with some of the things I heard them say given how much power they have over others.
I just received a really sweet message from someone I used to work with. I am loved and I know I will be able to face whatever is coming.
I am feeling very low today.
I had the dentist this morning which is one of my least favorite things to do as it is a really triggering experience. The visit went as well as it could so that is good.
I am back to feeling like there is something deeply wrong with me.
I feel such pain just hearing the word "family." I am not particularly connected to any groups. I have connections with people I've known for a long time, but turning to them and having support varies.
I am not sure what exactly it is I want. I think I want to peace in my life and I don't. I have this idea that I won't find it unless I am alone.
The coming week is going to be very demanding. I will do my best and my main intention is to cut anything that doesn't need to happen so that I can survive.
I can relate to how you feel about the dentist Rainydiary. And I can also relate to you when you say.
I am back to feeling like there is something deeply wrong with me.
:hug:
Dear Rainydiary,
I wanted to send you a heartfelt hug, if that's ok :hug: I also feel triggered by the word 'family' - it brings up so many feelings - and you meantioned feeling pain hearing that word - I hear what you said, and I empathise with what you say.
I know the coming week is a demanding one for you, and I wish you the strength you need to survive it. Your intention to cut anything that doesn't need to happen sounds like a sensible one.
:hug:
Hope :)
Thinking of you this week. A bit angry you are being put in this position.
rainy, my heart hates hearing all this. what you're going thru w/ your H, the blaming and shaming of his M, (making you responsible for her happiness), the beginning of a new school year, hoping for a T who will be a good fit for you . . . that's an awful lot. no wonder you're feeling down about yourself - a lot of this is very demoralizing.
as far as if your couples T picks up on the family dynamic w/ your H, you can always prompt them with a question - do you think there's an unhealthy dynamic going on betw. H and his family? you know, something like that as a form of self-advocacy. i understand you wanting to get this out in the open and addressed as quickly as possible. i mean, you've stated you're in survival mode now. that's not a good place to be.
if i'm being too forward or pushy, please ignore. love and hugs :hug:
I appreciate what each of you wrote and I am not up for individual responses today. Thank you for supporting me.
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As my summer "break" comes to a rapid close, I am reflecting that I think I've been in an EF for the majority of the summer.
Stuff with my husband flashed back to times we've had like this. His parents coming is flashing me back to their weird gaslighting. My cat needing vet attention sending me back to when she was really sick two summers ago.
This wasn't the summer I hoped for. There isn't anything I can do about that other than acknowledge it.
I realized how packed with discovery and trauma and integration and healing and pain the last four years have held. My whole life has been that way but this time round I am facing it which brings different challenges.
I think I am grieving my summer. As much as I like working with kids, this job takes so much out of me. I'm at a place where I don't know if I want to keep doing it. I've said that for a long time. At this point I will keep doing it because I need a job and money coming in.
I am dreading the rest of this week and next. My best hope is I am able to be so gentle with myself.
:bighug:
:bighug:
I feel more ready to respond to what you all wrote before - I did take it in and have processed.
Moondance, I appreciate the hugs and knowing I am not the only one that feels like there is something wrong with me.
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Hope, I appreciate knowing I'm not the only one with such a reaction to the word family. Lately I've been really bothered by feeling like I don't have a family because I had such a rough start with my own family and married into a dysfunctional one. I am drawn to the idea of chosen family and want to have connections with folks. Also, for a long time I felt like me, my husband, and our cat count as a family but that feels invalidated by many.
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Armee, I appreciate your support. I am tired and also recognizing anger here too.
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San, I really appreciate the suggestion of a question along the likes of "do you think that is a healthy dynamic?" I am curious today to see what questions come up regarding family and how the therapist responds.
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I am trying to enjoy as much as I can as I feel like today is the last day where things will feel relatively ok for a while.
The rest of this month is going to be a lot to bear.
Last night I finished my mosaic class. I will try to post the mosaic I made to the art thread.
:bighug:
Thank you San. :hug:
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I would like to process the couples session we just had a bit.
We did talk about families and I spent most of the session crying.
I think it was good for my husband to hear some examples of what happened. I have tried to talk to him about my past but he hasn't ever been in a place to hear me.
But now he thinks that because his family wasn't like mine, it means they were great. And yet some of the things he was telling the counselor were weird. He also can't recall details about his childhood. I know he dissociates to cope. I will say for the first time I heard him come close to expressing a criticism of his parents. Only his dad though. But it's still more than I've heard.
I did learn that my husband was really close to his brother that died when they were growing up. It makes sense because they are closer in age. It made me appreciate how big the loss is for my husband.
Next week I will meet with the couples counselor on my own as she wants to schedule individual time with us to understand issues that are harder to bring up right now.
For now I am drained.
Today I had an appointment with a therapist to see if it would be a good fit for individual sessions.
She was really supportive and it seems like it might be a good fit. She even asked what hadn't worked for me in the past and I shared with her why other therapy relationships have fallen through.
My in-laws will be arriving in our state tonight. I did have a really helpful conversation with the therapist today about my experiences with my in-laws. She believed me and accepted what I said. She didn't even judge me when I said I need as little time with them as possible. She gave some suggestions of things I could say when my husband and I talk later about the weekend.
Right now I am taking a break from this really unengaging presentation I am watching for work. Grateful it is video and I can stop when I need to. I don't think I'll be able to finish the whole thing today.
I am feeling worn out by the day so far.
I'm so happy to read that the therapist supported you and even gave some suggestions for how to manage this period coming up.
Rainy, I'm very glad you have found a supportive and nonjudgmental therapist. That's big! It sounds like you have received some good insights into your husband, with respect to his broher dying that he was close to.
So glad to hear your hopeful about individual therapist.
I'm hopeful that the responsibility for it all will fall more evenly as the couples therapy goes.
I do not want to minimize how difficult this is Raindiary - it's way too much. I so admire how you are handling it.
:bighug:
Thank you all - I am short on time right now but am feeling agitated and need to get some thoughts out of my head.
I am at a work event. I am deeply agitated by the way some employees speak to each other. Processes are very unclear and when I try to ask questions based on what my experience has been, I feel like I am met with frustration and unkindness.
I'm also agitated by interactions my husband has had already had with his parents. I don't understand why he doesn't see how awful they are. He becomes agitated and that gets me riled up.
I hope that I can find a way to regulate.
i hope you can, too, rainy.
i think it says a lot about your H's past that he dissociates. there's something terrible going on that maybe he can't talk about, too terrible that he has to dissociate away from it. sounds like there's more here than meets the eye. not excusing, just trying to understand.
people stay in abusive relationships for all kinds of reasons. it can be hard to understand looking at it from the outside when you can see it so clearly.
i wish you didn't have to work. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you San. I'll say more about how the day went. I appreciate your support. I've always sensed that my husband is avoiding/dissociating from something. I hope he is able to face it at some point. I hope the couples counselor can help us somehow have a conversation that gets us closer.
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Work was a lot today. I think I learned a lot but am too exhausted to process.
When I got home, my husband told me his dad ran their rental car into our mailbox post. People make mistakes but the messed up part is they didn't up front tell my husband. They texted him later with a "by the way."
This is why I don't want them in our home and using our stuff. They damage things and aren't careful and just have this attitude of "whoops." It isn't taking ownership and it gets me so irate.
My husband is telling me all the plans and it is overwhelming me. It is overwhelming me based on how annoying his parents are with all the ridiculous things they want to do and now they act.
I will say that he is accepting my boundaries of not wanting to spend a lot of time with them.
The next several days will be a lot harder. Right now the best I can do is try to get some rest and do my best to face the next day.
I did not sleep well last night.
Today has been ok but I am ending it feeling like I am not a good person.
I often vent to my mom when my in-laws are here. It makes me feel like I am no better than when I complain about my husband telling his parents things. Also, my mom makes me feel worse because she starts in on my husband. I've been in this pattern with her for years and I think it is time to stop.
Today I thought a lot about how the dynamics I can't stand in my husband's family are present in mine too although in different ways.
Tomorrow is going to be a hard day. I will spend it with them all. I have managed to avoid seeing my in-laws up to now. They didn't show up at an agreed upon time and so I took a nap. Their rental car is outside our house so I'm sure they'll come in when they get back. I am laying down and hope to fall asleep.
rainy, those are some powerful realizations. i hope being w/ everyone went well, or as well as possible, and you got out of there relatively unscathed. thinking of you as you continue to battle your way out of all this. i hope they're gone soon. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you San. I appreciate your support and care.
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I slept really well last night. That is such a rare thing but I am feeling good for it.
This week I took a course about school avoidance in students. I hated it. A lot of it was about how school avoidance stems from anxiety. I hated the course because the presenters weren't engaging and I have a hard time with the way mental illness was discussed by psychologists in the videos. I struggle with thinking that we are all just at the mercy of being "positively" and/or "negatively" reinforced. I feel like our experience is more nuanced than that but I don't have the vocabulary or a way to explain it further than that.
I think I also hated the course because it was raising a mirror to my face. They talked a lot about how parents may under or over accommodate a child and what those things teach children.
What this was making me think is that we aren't taught things that might help us in the long run. Most parents don't have parenting classes or opportunities to address their own stuff before becoming parents. We get stuck and then seek out professionals that can help us learn a different way.
I'm really struggling with how my people pleasing and lack of self advocacy is often harmful both to me and to others. I think I am often a barrier. This is also hard for me to process because it is also nuanced and I still feel like there are things I don't know how to articulate about without sounding defensive.
I am currently in a beautiful park on a nice day where my husband is doing a competition. His parents are doing their thing and we haven't interacted much. I am keeping my distance. Today is my husband's birthday so the day will include more interaction than I care for while they perform their weirdness. I wonder if they will call his siblings and expect them to FaceTime when we have his cheesecake. I sincerely hope we aren't celebrating at their Air BnB because I'm not sure I can handle that.
I feel really disappointed in myself and dissatisfied with how my day went.
My in-laws are scheduled to leave tomorrow. I had anticipated having time to myself as my husband and his parents were going to go to a National park near where we live. However the air quality has gotten really bad due to forest fires and they opted to stay here. I would have done the same but am also disappointed I didn't have the time to myself. I am craving some quality alone time for myself.
Tomorrow I will have couples counseling as a solo meeting. I'm not sure what I will say. I suppose I don't have to have all the answers figured out before I even know what her questions will be. Yet I have been thinking what it is I want to share with her. But I feel really stuck.
I started work today. I am really feeling awkward for how I see certain people and I just ramble on and on. I really felt today how I want to participate but that I struggle to communicate with most people. I feel like I may have come across as negative and complaining. It makes me feel really bad.
And then coming home I had demands placed on me by my husband being here that I had anticipated not having to deal with. I set a boundary with him tonight and it is making me uncomfortable.
*sigh*. I feel so lost.
:hug: that's a lot.
I've learned slowly overtime that I don't need to prepare for therapy. It just kind of works somehow.
:hug:
Hi Rainydiary,
You've had to cope with so much in the past few days - I am so sorry that you didn't get the time you'd hoped to have for yourself. Sending you a hug of support and hoping that you do get some opportunity somewhere for that time you would like to have for yourself. :hug:
Hope :)
Armee, I appreciate the insight about preparedness for therapy. Thank you for supporting me.
......
Moondance, I appreciate the care.
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Hope, thank you for your message of support. It helps a lot!
............
I am laying on my bed after a long day. I am upset because my in-laws are in my house and I didn't agree to them being here. I need time to unwind and I haven't really gotten it today. They drrraaaaaaggggg out leaving and it is the worst.
My day started off hard because I didn't sleep well and my husband brought up a topic that I didn't want to discuss this morning. It's ironic because we had made an agreement to not talk about difficult things before going to work because it makes the day hard. I didn't address it in the moment but if we set boundaries we need to adhere to them. It wasn't an agreement I necessarily wanted to make but it annoys me that he made the request and isn't following through.
Work was a bit hard today. Of course it's nothing compared to what it will be when real demands are being placed. One thing that is hard is that my workspace is shared with others. It's not really big enough for all of us especially since I will be there full time. I also don't feel like I can personalize it.
I had my solo session with the couples counselor. I am feeling raw after. I am still stuck in whether I want to stay in this relationship. Day to day a lot of things have improved because my husband is actually trying to communicate with me. But I am still really upset and hurt by a number of things which are making me want to keep a wall around myself. He has said some really big things that I can't move past.
I will just keep showing up and doing my best. For now I am really tired though. I am waiting for our dishwasher to get done so that I can get some stuff ready for tomorrow. And then I will read and head to bed.
I am processing something that happened today at work.
In June I had reached out to my supervisor to share difficulties I was having with a colleague. My supervisor was not particularly supportive. She invalidated my concern and basically told me there was nothing she could do. I wasn't surprised as this colleague is highly regarded in our district simply because she has worked there for over 30 years.
Today I was sitting by a colleague at a training. She told me that she heard my supervisor told the colleague I had shared concerns. My stomach dropped when she said that. It was a violation of my trust especially since she said there was nothing she could do.
I am left with a yucky taste in my mouth. I have this vision of my supervisor and this colleague essentially making fun of me. I don't trust my supervisor now. I am not quite sure how to move forward as I am very upset.
I will say I felt proud of myself. I managed the feelings coming up with this and was able to get through the day without getting a headache by obsessing over this. I am hurting but it isn't overpowering me as much as it would have in the past.
But it makes me feel like I may need to look for a new job. And also set some boundaries with some folks.
I would find that extremely difficult to recoup from Rainydiary - how you are managing it speaks volumes to your healing, your strengths - good for you Rainydiary!
:hug:
Thinking of you Rainydiary.
:hug:
Moondance, I appreciate you checking in and the support. :hug:
............
I am not keeping up with my journal here as I have in the past.
I am feeling very sad and low today.
My days go up and down with managing things at home and at work. I have bright moments but generally am overwhelmed by all that is going on.
Yesterday I felt the strain of all that is being asked of me at work. I vented to some colleagues and worry that the "boss" that was there heard it all. I am sad that instead of being able to express how difficult this is with someone in charge, work conditions us to bottle it up and complain to colleagues. I am feeling hard on myself for my humanity yesterday.
This morning my husband also started a conversation that turned into a fight. Nothing has resolved and we have spent time apart today. I try to explain to him how my emotional turmoil leaves me feeling defensive and guarded and it makes no sense to him what I am saying.
I am trying to take care today. I am so afraid of what each day will bring and if I will be able to live up to the demands and expectations of others. I hope I can keep growing in the kindness I show myself so that the demands of others don't feel so big...and when they do, still being kind to myself when I become overwhelmed.
:hug:
:hug:
This resonates so much with me Feeling defensive and Rainydiary,
emotional turmoil leaves me feeling defensive and guarded and it makes no sense to him what I am saying.
Standing with you and for you during this time.
:hug: :hug: Rainy
Rainy,
You're tugging gently at my heartstrings. I am familiar with the anxiety and regret of having valid complaints about conditions, expressing them, and then living in personal terror that I've said something that will come back on me. I guess it is a form of a fear of retribution, and I believe it comes from how we were raised by narcissists who punished us anytime we complained or stood up to them.
What you're feeling is valid. I have felt it many times and will feel it again, I'm sure. It's part and parcel of C-PTSD. It's real and it's painful. And by sharing it with us today, I like to think you're inviting us to feel it with you, which I am happy to do. I absolutely believe that empathy is the greatest healing force in the world, and by feeling the anxiety with you, and with others on the forum, we are helping each other feel less alone with the EF.
Here's a huge virtual hug from me to you. Our healing journeys may be on individual paths, but those paths are often in parallel with each other. Look to your left and to your right, and you'll see a bunch of us going through this together. I sincerely hope to hear that your venting at work doesn't bring any trouble. It's a fear I've felt many times. It's hard to know when it feels better to vent versus to keep tucking it all down inside.
:bighug:
Not Alone, :hug:
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Moondance, thank you for the support. It's helpful to know when others know what I mean.
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BB, :hug:
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Papa Coco, I appreciate how you phrased the fear. Thank you for supporting me on my way.
............
I am still very discombobulated.
I am not sleeping well due to stress.
Last night it occurred to me how I have never felt safe in any work environment. Thus I spend all day in hypervigilance. No wonder I come home so exhausted.
My current workspace was too full yesterday. The hard part too is that I doubt the other folks will communicate clearly with me when they will come. I don't think speaking to administrators about the space will help. There isn't enough room in that school for all the things crammed in.
It makes it hard for me to feel safe and thus it will make it hard for me to create safety for the students I work with. The amount of effort I've put in over the years to get by at work is ridiculous.
Once again I'm asking myself what is next. Changing jobs might change some things but the systems and strain never really change.
I'm in an EF and it is confusing as to why.
Earlier today I texted my husband that I think long term I need to look for a new job.
Just now he told me it stressed him out when I said that.
That sent me into my EF.
My job choice does impact him but this is my life.
What's harder for me is his reaction and how a double standard seems to be present. This past weekend we had a difficult conversation and he walked away from our conversation and was rather rude to me.
Right now I think I dissociated a bit when he said my text stressed him out. I think what it is flashing me back to is all the times my parents were unsupportive of me and how I still don't feel like I belong anywhere and that I "need" to push myself to stay in a situation just to please others.
I felt like my husband and I have been making progress of late. There is still work to do and I imagine a lot of whatever just happened between us isn't exactly about me.
I'm so tired. :bawl:
As I am processing this evening I am realizing that some of my EF is also about work.
I am working with some preschool classrooms.
Today I witnessed a paraprofessional terrorizing three autistic students. She was doing what people working in special education are taught to do. But it is so messed up.
And I am feeling terrible for just watching and not being able to do anything.
There is this delicate balance I must walk in order to stay safe myself and keep my job.
But I hated the way she treated those kids and how she spoke to me and how she was wearing an Autism shirt which no one needs to wear.
Very upset this evening and hoping I can fall asleep.
I hope you get some sleep, :hug:
Rainy,
That's awful about the teacher terrorizing the kids with Autism. It shows greatness in you that it bothered you. It's hard for good people to watch someone doing a bad job with children. And I agree: There is NO need to wear an autism shirt. Some people just don't get it.
I hope you're having some good days lately.
Thinking of you, rainy. :hug:
Dear Rainy,
I am also thinking of you, and hope that your week is ok.
Hope :)
Hi Rainy. Thinking of you.
Thinking of you also Rainydiary
:bighug:
Hi Rainy, thinking of you....
:hug:
:hug:
Hi Rainy,
I thought of you a few days ago and today again too.
I hope your absence from the forum means you're busy and doing well.
We're here if and when you want to write again. :hug:
hope you're ok, rainy. love and hugs :hug:
Hi Rainy. I've been away from the forum also, because of pressures from work. Thinking of you.
Hi Rainy,
I was thinking of you today, and hoping you're ok. Just sending you a hug :hug:
Hope :)
:wave: