Rainy Journey 23

[CactusFlower]

joins 

[Not Alone]

Rainy, I feel for you that work continues to be so stressful.

I have had birthdays that were forgotten or ignored also. It hurts.

I can relate to H giving space, but feel that the space is really for him and his lack of attachment.

Being married is really hard.  I don't fool myself that another relationship would be easy.  I am not sure I should have gotten married.  I got married without understanding myself very well and married into a whole mess.

I think even healthy people go into marriage somewhat blindly. Please be kind to yourself about your decisions around marriage. I say that to myself too as I find myself questioning my decisions and "Why didn't I pay attention to. . .?"  I have to keep telling myself to be kind.

[rainydiary]

Armee and CF, I appreciate the hugs and care.
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Not Alone, I appreciate the reminder of self-kindness.  I made the best decision I could at the time. 
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I made it through the day and it went mostly better than I thought.  I had some weird interactions that I'm not sure what to make of (like not sure if I made someone cry), but I can't go backwards.

[rainydiary]

I have a lot of feelings today.  The transition back to work this week was so difficult and I am always processing.

Recently I had the thought that I haven't been having as many memories from growing up and wondered about that.  And then today and possibly some other days this week I've had flashes and deep sadness for things I experienced.

Yesterday at a meeting I spoke a lot about autism and shared information I felt was important to the moment.  I still feel vulnerable for doing so and I hope what I said was helpful in some way. 

Yesterday I also received an email from a colleague at the school I worked at in the spring.  She had a question about a student I evaluated.  I felt really unsettled by her question and why she was asking about this student and that she copied our boss.  It feels like that school will not let me go even though they drove me away with their poor treatment.  It is also possible I didn't handle the situation exactly right, but I still don't understand why they are digging through everything with such a fine tooth comb.

I am feeling a general sense of anger toward other people right now.  It is so complicated to feel the need for understanding yet not being able to offer it to others. 

And now I am back to a general sense of sadness. 

[sanmagic7]

i'm with you, rainy, as you continue to feel the whiplash from your former place of work.  i believe any info you give others about autism is a good thing.  it's something people need to know more about, especially when working w/ such a population.  you have more understanding about this area than the general population.  and it sounds good to me that you're feeling anger towards others.  get that crapola out of you.  people can be so very frustrating!  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you San. 
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Trying to not feel too worried for the week.  Tomorrow will be stressful and I hope it goes as smooth as it can.

Something that is really eating at me is described in this article: https://kids.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/frym.2021.554875

The Double Empathy Problem is what I am struggling with.  Realizing the frequency with which I've been responded to harshly because I process differently than others. 

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i looked up the link, can totally relate.  i think this 'double empathy' may be part of the feeling of not fitting in, which i've felt for much of my life.  difficulty w/ small talk was a biggie for me.  people seeing me do something that doesn't make sense for them, altho, in my mind it was absolutely the correct thing for me to do.  focusing so hard on one task that others don't come to mind.  stuff like that.  definitely processing on a different level than others. 

thanks for sharing this.  it helped me make sense of a lot of my interactions not only w/ others, but theirs w/ me.  whew - a lot to take in.  sending love and a hug filled w/ clarity and acceptance     i'm giving one to myself as well. 

[rainydiary]

San, I am grateful the Double Empathy Problem offered some helpful information.   
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Today was hard and I also feel lighter inside this evening than I was expecting.

I think it is because of student successes today.  I still feel like garbage in most interactions I have with other adults.  I did have a few positive interactions with colleagues today but mostly a lot of muck today.

Today my success with students was three kids feeling really safe in my presence to be their full selves which included some of the following quotes:

"I don't like (name)." - I appreciate the student telling me they don't like the kid I have them grouped with.  Not sure I can change that easily, but I appreciate the information.  This kid also thinks it is hilarious to leave pieces of a game on the floor for one of the school administrator's to find (which will never happen - if that administrator actually goes in my workspace it is only for meetings I invite him to).  But if it makes this kid happy, we can leave pieces around.

"I don't like my hair." I asked a student why he always wears a hat and he said it is because he hates his hair but his mom won't let him cut it (it is very long).  My instinct after today is this student is neurodivergent in some way.  I wish his mom would honor his wish for short hair.

"I can never talk to anyone about my speech because I'm worried they will laugh at me." - a student I had been convinced would not need my help based on what his teacher told me about him.  I don't think he needs my help for long but hopefully I could work with him a bit.  Grateful I met with him today. 

I'm sure my feeling of lightness will wear off but right now I am grateful that the more I let myself be me it lets kids be themselves.  I don't have to convince my colleagues of anything even though I feel pressure from myself to do so.

[sanmagic7]

 

I don't have to convince my colleagues of anything

truer words were never spoken.  love and hugs, rainy.

[rainydiary]

San, 
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So my day has started off in a way that is really throwing me.  Not in a bad way just needing to get some thoughts out.

My day started off "normal" - I woke up much earlier than I care to in order to get my run in before work.

During my run I see my husband out taking a walk which surprised me.  But it was nice to see him out.

I'm doing my routine to get ready to leave and he stops me to say he has made an appointment with his doctor to talk about anxiety.

He then shares all of these thoughts and experiences about struggles he is having.

I was thunderstruck. 

I am grateful he is finding his way and telling me about it and also trying to face whatever it is he is dealing with.

It makes me feel less alone in our marriage.  It makes me feel hopeful that we are finding our way together. 

I don't want to be at work today.  But here we go.

[Snowdrop]

I think that would throw me as well, Rainy. As you say, he's finding his way, taking action, and sharing that with you. I'm glad you feel less alone as a result .

[Armee]

Wow! That's huge Rainy. I would be a bit anxious too wondering what will come up but also relieved and hopeful that he is opening up and reflecting.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Snowdrop and Armee, I might have been too optimistic this morning. 
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I felt really off this whole day and am now feeling triggered.

My husband just talked to me about if I would move back to his home state.  I really should have seen that coming.  It is my worst nightmare.

Part of me really suspects and believes that all his anxiety and related challenges are because he doesn't live in his hometown.  That feels like what our breakdown was after his brother died.

I thought that he was moving past that as his relationship to his family on the surface has changed from my perspective.

However I may be kidding myself. 

I do really think it is good he is taking more ownership and facing what he is avoiding.  The reality is it may mean a parting of ways.  He says that isn't what he wants but I don't know if I believe him.

I cannot function under any circumstances living near his family.  If he wants to be there it will have to be without me. 

Yikes.

[Armee]

Oh Rainy. I am so sorry. I am very glad you know so strongly that moving there is not an option for you. I'm sorry it may come down to possibly having to part ways. 

[rainydiary]

Armed, I appreciate your support.
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I'm not sure if I am still in my EF.  I feel a bit more grounded this morning.  I had very bizarre dreams last night. 

As I was trying to process last night, I realized that my husband are in a familiar situation.  We've been in a situation similar to this when we moved and it was terrible.  It ended with us being in his hometown. 

This time I hope the story can go differently.  I am making mistakes.  We can never truly know the internal experience of another person and can only go off what we observe or are told.  It is still filtered through our own experience.

Last night I tried to express my boundary with living in his home state.  He expressed that he is incredibly anxious about money.  He said that he suggested this move back to his home state because the cost of living is low there.  I call BS - there are other states with lower cost of living that we could go to if that is the full reason.

Before his brother died, money was a preoccupation for him too.  It made me wonder if he and his brother (as they are the oldest) ever experienced hunger or neglect because of finances.  They absolutely experienced emotional and psychological neglect and abuse.  Because that is still going on.  I don't doubt that preoccupation about money is a trauma response for him.

I know that his mom continues to push him to move home.  It is so cruel of her.  She claims she wants him to be his own person but it has to be on her terms.  I seem to remember being told they were going to visit us this month.  Not sure if that is still happening and if it is, it will be scary given my husband's current state.  To me it has always felt like she wanted to destroy our marriage and she may just get her wish.

My husband is in a difficult spot.  But I am past trying to do this work for him.  I am stronger now and will do my best to be a partner as long as he is willing to keep growing with me.  If that isn't what he wants, then I hope he ends up where he needs to be.  I used to see it as my job to save him from his family and make him see he deserved better.  I don't anymore after a lot of pain and hurt and realizing I can't change someone like that. 

This is a lot to go through in addition to trying to hold on at work.  I did make a new friend yesterday.  I hope that I can make a friendship with this person work.