Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[StartingHealing]

TW More Spiritual Content:

PapaCoco,

I'm right there with you.  I don't tell people what to believe, or what not to. 

PC, let me ask a question.  What is the definition you are using for the term "crazy"?

Remember that the usual topics of discussion today between people has a great deal of social programming and propaganda influence on it.  Mind Viri that have been intentionally introduced into the social fabric for nefarious ends. 

Personal example.  Think about the standard idea of adoption in society.  As an adoptee, I am living proof that the narrative is false.  Why does the narrative continue?  On average in the US, an adoption will run 20 to 45 thousand.  Where does that money go?  it doesn't go to the 1st mother, so where does it go? Last year there was 54200 adoptions. Simple math places the totals between 1,084,000,000 and 2,439,000,000 per year. 1 to 2 Billion a year.  One * of a motive in my mind.

What is the "usual" assumption in society concerning spiritual matters?  Consider where that came from. Then consider who gets paid. 

I have also had experiences that fall outside of typical narratives of either spiritual or the material.  Could they be considered miracles?  or something that I do not have language for?  I tend to fall towards that I don't have the language. 

I was raised basically xtain.  Baptist, Methodist, Assembly of God, Lutheran.  Variations on the theme sadly.  I do understand that there are some folks that require that frame work for them to have a decent life.  I was totally a skeptic though.  Stuff didn't make sense to me.  then figuring out who is getting paid.  You know?  I also have come to the point where I do not need an intermediary tween me and Spirit.

Hm, I can see how time could be an anchor for human experience.  However, I've had experiences in meditation where all was dropped and all that was left was awareness.  It's my understanding that is one of humans true states. 

Here is something to consider.  Proof of information transfer beyond the speed limit of the speed of light.  If you have 2 particles that have been entwined. Then if you split them, place one in a magnetic bottle and then other one in a magnetic bottle across the room.  Change the spin of one, the other particle instantly changes it's spin to match.   Spooky action at a distance.  How did the "information" for lack of a better term, of the change in spin get transmitted to the other particle?  Not only that, what force happened to change the spin at the exact same moment that force was used to change the spin on the first particle?  Welcome to quantum mechanics. 

To me, the information and force exchange from one particle to the other particle is an indication that the typical mechanical view of life, the universe, is sorely lacking.  If you go far enough back, there was the concept of the aether and that concept matches what the current idea of quantum foam is. 

there is also evidence that our mind can travel in time to a limited extent.  Measurement of nerve impulses from our hands to the brain support the speed limit of the speed of light.  yet before our hands touch an object, your brain has already received the information of touching that object according to the EEGs. Could that be a quantum event?  Why do us humans have structures in our brain that are organic quantum event detectors?

Then to get even weirder, what about picking up on events from the past?  There was a Civil War battlefield in the area where I lived for a while.  Every single time I had to pass by, I had physical reactions.  And that was before I had found out that the specific area was a former battlefield.  There was no marker, no physical thing to mark it.

I have read the Seth material.  it is channeled information that came through Jane Roberts.  One of the instances of channeling in the modern era.  (Archive.Org)  Seth does address the idea that each of us has our own reality. yet I question that to a certain extent because of the quantum field that as far as I am aware undergirds everything.  Including dark matter. Not to mention quantum entanglement.  Each cell in the human body gets replaced about every 7 years, and then how many times have a single atom has been transferred between every part of this earthly realm?  And then that atom gets taken in the human body.  Can that atom, or a particle of that atom be entangled in a quantum manner to another one?  If that is true then think of the ramifications.

 However, if we are basically the same critters as our ancestors, I mean seriously, what have we lost?  in terms of shamanistic practices that was common across the world, there was always consideration of the spirits.  If one starts looking at the animistic beliefs of today, there is a huge slew of beings that share this realm with us which also aligns with shamanic knowledge.  That is our shared experience of our ancestors.  Yet I'm supposed to accept the idea that my ancestors were dumb and followed superstitions?  Another mind virus.  Look at the ancient megalithic structures.  And us modern people are soooo far more advanced than the people that built the pyramids?  Where we still can not reproduce it.  Suurrreee. 

Is it just me that notices the insane amount of hubris?  What else has been denigrated because of that hubris? 

PC, gonna bend your brain some more.  there are at least 14 distinct separate dimensions that are separated only by frequency aka vibration. String Theory came up with that.  The math tracks.  If energy cannot be created or destroyed, then energetically speaking we are awash in the flux of all these different dimensions.  To me, having benevolent beings that exist in a different dimension, that at times can "communicate" with us in various ways makes perfect sense.  We increase our vibration and they slow down theirs and we meet in the middle. 

IMO there is a ultimate, an absolute. I think that there is a correlation.  Why else does the visible structure of the Universe matches the pattern that the human brain is laid out by?  Because of negative connotations I prefer to use the terms "All There Is" or "Universe" or "spirit" keeps things from being so defined that it cannot be placed into a linguistic box.

Wishing you all the best

   

[Papa Coco]

StartingHealing,

I'll answer your question about what definition I'm using of the word crazy. Crazy, as we know, is not a measurable word. It's nothing but a slang term that changes with context. In the context of my post, when I start sharing my beliefs in the metaphysical, I assume that a few people will not agree with my beliefs, and will use the term "crazy" to explain why I believe in things they don't believe in. In this context crazy is the slang for the word delusional. I've been called crazy many times by people who don't want to believe in what they can't see.

I see the two paths that we all walk. The vertical path of spirituality and the horizontal path of human busy-work. If I choose to just live within the narrow constructs of physical life, that's cool. I can memorize sports scores, restore old cars, and drink beer with buddies in ways that don't move me forward spiritually in any way. It's not a punishable offense to not move toward God. However, it's also not productive. If I want to escape the stressors of this physical life, I have to move vertically as well. The Universe doesn't judge. It helps those who want help. I want help. So, I focus more on the spiritual things of the world than I do the physical. Spiritual growth matters. Physical growth is just play. No harm, no foul, but also no movement toward God.

I believe that everything physical is a manifestation of spirit. In other words, "As Above, So Below." Or: "On Earth as it is in Heaven". In keeping with that thought, I see that there is a spiritual solution to every physical problem. I also believe that we are holographic universes living within the big universe. Each of us carries within us the DNA of the entire Universe. Like a seed from a huge sequoia tree. The tiniest little pebble of a seed carries within it the DNA of the entire 200 foot tall sequoia. If seeds are little sequoias, then we are little universes.

I believe that I am an IFS Part of God, just like my IFS Parts are within myself. As a hologram, I'm an IFS part too. The Universe churns and spins and circles around. As I meet and forgive and love and enlighten my IFS parts, I'm mimicking what my host is doing for me. I struggle to let go of the past. My IFS parts also struggle to let go of the past. My parts heal when they let go of the old and embrace the new. I heal when I can let go of my past and embrace a new world also. I understand my IFS parts, because I too am an IFS part.  And in keeping with my belief that any cure needs to have a spiritual component, then by believing in the spiritual connection with IFS parts, the whole IFS therapy program will work better for me than if I just held to thinking IFS is a biological reaction to emotional distress. The vertical path is the only path that brings true healing.

That's how I see the way the world works.

I also feel a lot when I go into old battlefields. I spent a few days in DC on a business trip. While there, I toured some battlefields and George Washington's house. I saw the Enola Gay in the Smithsonian museum. The history that I walked through was different than reading it in a book. I felt things. Personally, I can't stand going into second-hand stores because I can feel the energy of the discarded items. Second hand stores, battle fields, antique cars and houses...I don't like them. I don't like the gray energy that I feel when I'm in places that have once been filled with violence and sadness.

I spend a lot of time out on the beaches of the Pacific coastline. The freedom of the water and the roar of the surf rejuvenates me. Water heals itself. When you scar the surface, it repairs itself immediately. It renews. By the time the wind comes off the vast expanse of the Pacific Ocean, and makes landfall at my home, that air is richly ionized. It heals. It clears my mind. It's like new air. New oxygen nobody has breathed into yet.

I feel a lot of connection with the past. I believe that some of my IFS parts came with me in birth. They are connected more with past lives than with this current life. Many of my IFS parts are from my childhood, but I've met parts who claim they are from before my birth. As above, so below, right? If people are writing books called "it Didn't Start with You" then people have a physical understanding of generational stress and trauma.

I believe that any cure that contains a spiritual component is a cure that can work. Any cure that is only physical, is just an action to move laterally on the horizontal path. It's nice. It might numb the pain for a while, but lateral movement doesn't bring us closer to God, so whatever spiritual component was causing the pain still needs to be addressed. And by my new understanding that IFS parts can travel through time, and can be born into us, I'm inviting the spiritual component into my learning in hopes that my host will give me peace the way I give peace to my IFS parts when I'm the host.

Wishing you all the best in return,

[Papa Coco]

Journal Entry for Saturday, March 16, 2024

What a journey. I've learned a few new things from Schwartz's books on IFS therapy. In his chapter on The Self, he talks about how our rational thoughts cover over our innate ability to be creative and self-loving. And if we can quiet the mind, the heart (the Self) knows how to live a more loving and accepting life.

Last night I read, from page 47-48:

"My experience with clients confirms this. They begin to tap into a kind of creative wisdom as their inner noise diminishes and their Self arises. Solutions to long-standing problems emerge, often involving lateral, "out of the box" thinking that was not possible when they were dominated by parts of them that had so many rules about their lives and relationships. It seems that the Self has an innate wisdom about how to create harmony in relations, whether those relationships are with people around them or with parts inside them. The Self automatically knows how to nurture others and has the clarity, compassion, and courage to do so." Dr. Richard Schwartz: Introduction to IFS

Notice he uses upper case S when he says Self, because that's his term for our main identities. Self is us who has many Parts living within us.

I'm early in the process of bonding with my manager parts, but even so, by what little exposure I've had with my main Manager, I'm seeing my energy levels rise, and my creativity is starting to show itself. My Manager is bringing me through various scenarios where I can experiment with holding my ground. As I'm doing this, my wife is responding by opening up to me also. My Exiles are being revealed. When I stepped onto the scale this morning, I got ferociously angry at myself and at fate and at food and at god himself, because I put on another pound after eating badly yesterday. I immediately recognized the anger and self-hatred as the same self-hatred I've lived with since childhood.

With what little I know about IFS therapy at this time, I was able to stop calling myself names, and sit down in a chair, cover my chest with both hands and profess my love for myself. I acknowledged that the anger was real. And even though I'm loving myself, the anger is still there. I get SO ANGRY at my own inability to maintain a healthy diet. But that's me, attacking my parts for feeling so unlovable that they have to hide from me when I yell at them.  I'm still feeling the anger at myself for gaining more weight, but I'm acknowledging that anger more as an observer who is watching it unfold and then providing some love to try and balance it out. My parts need to trust me that I still love them even when I'm angry.

So...there it is. Today's IFS lesson in Papa Coco's journey into IFS therapy.

(In my therapy with my T on Tuesday, he told me Anger arises in us when we express our needs and they are not met. I guess my body needs me to eat better (and less) and when that need isn't met, I get angry. I'm the one whose feeding me the food, so I get angry at myself.)

[Bermuda]

That sounds like a big realisation with lots of implications. 

[sanmagic7]

i'm with you, PC, on being able to feel the energy of things, and to stay away from the energy that's neg. it's kind of a spooky feeling, but real nonetheless. i've felt that going into old graveyards at times, too. or even places where violence (like the OK city bombing) has taken place.  it's a very 'get me outta here!' feeling.

i don't think you're crazy. i've been called that as well.  just cuz you see/think/know something differently than others is not nec. crazy.  your mind may be farther open than others in order to receive whatever's around you. love and hugs

[Papa Coco]

Yesterday I started reading The Others Within Us: Internal Family Systems, Porous Mind, and Spirit Possession, by Dr. Robert Falconer.  He took Dr. Schwartz's IFS program to the next level.

I'm early in the book but am fascinated by it. It's a big book. On Audible it's 19 hours long. But wow.  He is a therapist who expanded on the IFS therapy that Schwartz founded, and at first Schwartz was worried Falconer had taken it too far, but after working together a bit, Schwartz ended up writing the forward for Falconer's book.

It's too early for me to tell just how much Falconer's experiences will take me, but it feeds into my belief that I am a body, a mind and a soul, and that my body, mind and soul became traumatized together so my healing should embrace all three components together if I'm going to be wholistically improved. I've read several books that combine body and mind. The Body Keeps the Score, by Bessel van der Kolk is the best in that category. But now, The Others Within Us is bringing the body, mind and the soul together. After reading into it just a little ways I'm already blown away by this book. I'm feeding my body, mind and soul now and learning more robust and all-inclusive ways to let go of past traumas and fears.

I'll keep writing about this for a while to show whether it delivers what it promises. Too early to tell, but the prognosis is promising.

[dollyvee]

Hey PC,

I'm no stranger to struggles with body image and I'm sorry you're going through that. It's interesting that in Healing Developmental Trauma, he talks about aggression and acting out vs acting in. Because as children we couldn't behave aggressively towards our parents or it would threaten our survival, some children split off the anger and direct it towards the self. He says:

"Individuals with the connection survival style act in their anger in the form of self-hatred. They hate themselves for feeling unloved and unlovable, for never feeling like they fit in; they believed there is something basically wrong with them and the abuse they received is their fault...They often feel their body is their enemy. They hate their body for the fear and distress they experience and may focus their hatred on some real or imagined physical inadequacy."

When I read this previously, it really struck a chord. I've often focused so much on my body and if this was just fixed someone would like me etc, or they don't like me because I'm not thin enough, or my body is... etc. What I've learned from weightlifting and counting calories etc is that I can actually make changes to my body, or find out what's not working. Not to the point where I neglect or enhance the trauma thinking of, "oh if I could just fix that," but I think it's given me a much more realistic and healthy relationship with food.

For example, I think I used to think that if I eat, I get fat. But what I know now is that my maintenance calories are around 2500 - 2600 calories per day, which is a LOT of food. Granted, if you eat a full bag of chips, that's 750-800 calories right there. Four cookies? 400 calories. So, things can add up quickly, but I also know that eating an extra 400 calories over maintenance is not going to add significantly to my weight. I would need to eat 400 over for 9 days to gain one pound with one pound being 3500 calories. For me if I'm eating 3000 calories/day, and 2600 is maintenance, I know that I would need to be doing that for 9 days (9x 400 calories = 3600) to gain one pound. This is where I think counting calories can be quite powerful and takes me out of trauma thinking. If I overeat and weigh more the next day, but I've only eaten 1000 over for example, that's theoretically less than 1/3 of a pound. What's probably more likely, though I'm not a dietician, is that there's potentially some inflammation which can lead to water weight gain going on. However, my trauma brain is so conditioned to think that I've done something wrong, so it must be me and the food that I overeat. Counting calories also really helped me when I started gaining weight from mold. I went on the same amount of calories and exercise plan that I had been doing previously where I lost 6 kilos in about 6ish weeks (around 1750 calories/day but not nearly enough protein), after lockdown ended in 2021 and I lost no weight. This is when the functional health practitioner helped me nail down that mold was an issue because the only variable this time was that I had moved into a new flat which had a tiny bit of visible mold. So, it didn't even matter what I ate, my body was reacting to something and I had/have no control over it. I can only try to deal with helping my body treat the mold.

Anyways, this is a long post but just wanted to share some of the things that's helped me with my body image struggles along the way. It can seem quite pedantic to count calories, but I think it's helped me ground my trauma a bit back into reality.

Sending you support,
dolly

[NarcKiddo]

I second the calorie counting comments and dolly's way of thinking about unexpected and unreasonable scale weight fluctuations. Doesn't work for everyone but I have been doing it for years. I now use a really good app called MacroFactor which was designed for fitness nerds but is really good for most anyone who wants to monitor or change their weight (down or up).

The Others Within Us sounds like a really interesting read. I'll be following what you have to say about it as you continue. Thank you!

[Hope67]

Hi PapaCoco,
It's great that you've got those books, and are enjoying reading them.  The Others Within Us does sounds like a really interesting read. 

I also read what Dollyvee said about Calorie counting, and was grateful to see what she wrote - very helpful.

Hope 

[woodsgnome]

Hey PC -- good to see you finding good vibes with the IFS approach. I have to confess that my first reaction some years ago to the word "Family" in its title through me for a loop. It's just kind of an automatic recoil I experience at the word family, even when it's not referring to the FOO per se.

While I admire the system and its practitioners, I've never felt the need, at this time in my therapeutic meanders, to dive deep into it.

I wish you all the best as you explore and discover new ways to lessen the internal pressures your Cptsd experiences left you struggling with. And huge congrats  for sticking with its promise to positively affect your outlook.

[Papa Coco]

Dolly and NarcKiddo,I've used your calorie counting post to begin paying attention again. I have had great success with calorie counting. Three times I've lost 60 pounds in 60 days by doing 5 things:
    1) Limiting myself to 1,800 calories per day,
    2) Eating very little white carbs and zero sugar
    3) Eating 0 anything with High Fructose ANYTHING in its ingredient list
    4) Limiting sodium to the maximum daily intake of 1/4 teaspoon (2000 MGs) per day (As is recommended by the experts) and
    5) Walking 10,000 steps at 5 mph each day.(Knee arthritis has taken this off the list, but that's okay. Walking only accounted for about 2% of my weight loss)

I'm using your posts as a reminder that I can do this again. The problem for me is...I gain it all right back when I lose the mood to care anymore. The trick, for me, is finding a purpose in life that makes me feel like I'm valued and connected. If I feel valued, I feel like taking care of myself. When I feel like I'm unwelcome on the earth, I grab for ice cream and chocolate and high calorie fatty meats.

Hope and Woodsgnome, Yes. The IFS is the most helpful thing I've found yet. Woodsgnome, I do believe that each of us responds differently to different therapies, so I totally get what you're saying about how IFS doesn't resonate with you. There are so many roads to travel, that finding the one that's right for you is the one to follow.

IFS is working for me, so I'll keep on with it until something better comes along.

The books I've begun reading lately are highly enlightening. The Artist's Way, The Seat of the Soul, The Body Keeps the Score, An Intro to IFS, and now the newest book, The Others Within Us are making a powerful change in how I see the world. And I'm feeling more open to new concepts and new realities all the time.

I just finished The Others Within Us. I'm absolutely dumbfounded. I'm a fresh new believer now in energy work. I thought it was just a novelty up until now--even though I have been told by people all my life long that my touch brings them peace and healing.

As a person with CPTSD it's easy for me to say that a thousand compliments mean nothing while one insult destroys me. It didn't help me to know that I could bring peace to people by simply putting a hand on their back or forehead. My ability to ignore positive information made sure that no matter how many people told me I had value, I continued to believe I had none.

But the research and long history of success by these writer/teachers like Falconer, Schwartz, van der Kolk and Zukav have finally gotten through to me that residual trauma can be dealt with. Falconer really brought home the use of energy work. I'm finally a believer in something I have been practicing for decades. Finally. 

The trick for me today is I want to find a genuine energy worker who puts their gift ahead of their ego so that their energy work is more potent and actually works. I'm checking in with my massage therapist who is always learning about energy work. We'll talk next week. She says she has three or four skills that might help me. We need to talk about what I'm hoping to accomplish, and then we'll decide on which skill to try on me. She's a gifted massage therapist, and she's always been able to feel my energy while performing massage. It's time I give her the chance to forgo the massage and focus only on the energy work. Can't hurt to try, right?

Falconer said a few things that really made sense. One is about addiction. He and several other experts have come to believe that the opposite of addiction is not so much sobriety as; the opposite of addiction is connection. This is something I'll study and research now, but it makes sense: SOME people are born with the addiction gene, but most of us who fall into addictions do so because we feel lonely and disconnected. He has experienced many healings in his decades of IFS work that proved to him that when patients work through their IFS parts, and start to feel the bonding again within their parts and then out in the world that their sense of loneliness diminishes and with it, their addictions fall away also.

I'll work on this concept for a while, but after reading this, I feel like it really makes sense.  When I was in AA I could see the difference between the alcoholics who were born with the gene and those who, like me, just drank out of self pity until we finally became addicted. It was far easier for those of us with emotional addiction to quit drinking. Those who were from long lines of genetic alcoholics struggle a lot more with sobriety. For people like me, I can easily see that it was the feeling of loneliness and being unwelcome on Earth that lead me to self-medicating through cigarettes, then alcohol, then TV, sugar, fat, and Amazon shopping.

I'm pretty happy to keep going with this parts work because it's really helping me feel like I'm becoming whole. I'm not so fragmented within myself anymore. As I feel whole within, I'm starting to feel connected on the outside too. As I feel more and more connected, which is the same as less and less lonely, maybe my addictive search for love in sugar, fat, and TV will diminish in its power over me.

I've decided to go crazy:
Because of my newfound understanding of energy work, and of parts work, especially the parts that came into us at birth or through other means, like sexual abuse, humiliation, and a life of being dissociated, I'm making a new statement for myself. As of right now, I'm open to anything. Tell me you're an alien. I'll believe it. Tell me you have a Sasquatch living in your basement. I'll believe it. No more putting my self-image into the box of physical science only. I've been a believer in a loving Universe that connects all of us, but I've held back on things that open me up to ridicule. Physical science can't explain far too many things I've witnessed and felt throughout my life, so why do I limit myself to believing physical science can answer anything?

Science wasn't working for me anyway. I think that after 8 therapists, all the various medications I've been given, all the talk therapy and massage and Ketamine Infusions and self-help books and science, science, science I've been participating in have NOT fixed me, so why do I keep believing they will? I'm like the gambling addict who has lost everything but still believes the next roll of the dice will fix him. Einstein's description of insanity is in play here. He's the one who said that the act of doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different result is insanity. Science and psychotherapy and medication sustained me but didn't cure me. So, do I just keep doing it? No. I'm going to change directions and try some new, less culturally safe, practices. I'm opening myself up to public ridicule, but perhaps that's just the price to pay for not doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

I've lived my entire life holding secrets about my beliefs and private experiences because I was so terrified of public ridicule. Public ridicule imprisoned me and I want out. I just want to finally be ME!

I'm officially open to all ideas now. Aliens. Sasquatch. Demon possession. God. All these things I've been foofooing for decades are now on the table and I'm exploring them. What have I to lose that I haven't already lost through science?

[dollyvee]

Hi PC,

I'm glad you enjoyed reading the Others Within Us. I found it extremely interesting and I also think Bob is a pretty cool guy. My discovery of him came through IFS and finding parts that didn't seem to fit. I guess this was my "scientific method," which was I'm going to trust the things that I'm being shown in my IFS experiences (which I am enacting with openness, honesty, compassion and a willingness to understand as much as possible; to be honest when and if I don't understand things and write them as they are etc), and then try to understand them. Perhaps the opposite of scientific method, but it lead me to a workshop with Osnat Arbel and Legacy Burdens and a workshop (and session) with Bob Falconer and Unattached Burdens. I went with, even if I don't fully understand what my system is showing me, I'm going to explore what it's showing me (and trust it I guess to some degree, but I would say i was probably 50/50 with that). There's also another interesting book by Ann M. Drake called the Energetic Dimension where she discusses some of the things you're writing about and perpetrator introjects for example.

I'm glad you've had success with calorie counting. I remember reading something a male weightlifter said about cutting and how he would only drop so low (I think it was 1850ish?) for a short period of time, say 4-6 weeks with at least 150g of protein because it wasn't healthy/sustainable. The definition of healthy is something that changes with the wind of course, and he's someone who was competing, but I wonder if going that low is actually having the opposite effect where it feels like a chore? I also wonder if having such a rigid set of guidelines makes it easier to say that you've failed etc (and confirm the negative voices/inner critic) if you're not able to meet them? I am of course not a champion body builder or dietician. My outlook has been that I have to find a way to make things sustainable long term, as more of a lifestyle change. I also eat chocolate most days because that's me. I also notice when talking to people in the gym who ask me about training, is they want everything right away, but I suggest to try and find things that are fun for them, or to find a way to make it fun because I think that's what's going to keep the consistency going. If you're super rigid because you have an idea of what you want to look like in three months (which is usually something unrealistic like a model for women), it's going to wear off quickly. If people compliment me on something I'm doing and they say I wish I could do that, I usually tell them that can do it too, and don't be fooled because it's taken me 4+ years to learn it. It's just probably going to take longer than they think, but find a way to integrate it into their lives that they want to keep doing it. Again, not an expert, this is just worked for me as a gym/exercise enjoyer.

Sending you support and a hug if that's ok 
dollyy

[NarcKiddo]

This sounds like a really interesting new approach, Papa C.

Good luck with the calorie counting. Although, again, I do agree with dollyvee's thoughts about sustainability. I have personally found it motivating to be able to lose decent chunks of weight quite fast, but also have long experience of putting it all back on again (and then some) when I got bored of the diet, or life stress got in the way. Making new habits is what has worked for me in the long term, because habits do not rely on motivation. They are things you just do, like cleaning your teeth. That takes away guilt if you don't stick to plan. If you went to bed one night and forgot to clean your teeth, you would probably not say to yourself the next morning "Right. That's IT! I am a failure and I am never going to clean my teeth again." And yet it is so easy, after an ice cream binge, to treat it as a huge failure and a sign there is no point in trying to cut down on ice cream consumption. The psychology of all this stuff is so interesting, and tough to deal with. Your journal is not the place for me to get all evangelical about it, but know that I am very familiar with the struggle and feel free to reach out if you would like some ideas, or a pep talk, or whatever.

I'm reading a Gabor Mate book about addiction at the moment. "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts". You might find it interesting. It is slow going for me because it is an audio book I got on a trial subscription. I have discovered I do not get on well with audio books; they tend to send me to sleep if I am at all tired. Which I mostly am at the moment. So it is taking me a while but there is a lot of interesting content. Mate contended in another book of his (which led me to get this one) that there is no such thing as an addictive substance. That is based on the fact that not everybody who tries a substance will become addicted to it. Even the likes of heroin some people can take or leave. What is addictive is the feeling the drug provokes and those who need that feeling are far more likely to get hooked than those who just think "yeah, that was nice enough". That seems to resonate with your experience and observations of AA.

[Little2Nothing]

PC, I found calorie counting to be effective short term. For the last 4 or 5 years I have been eating low carb. That is no sugar, bread, potatoes, etc Also zero processed foods  . I lost over 100 lbs and have been happy with the way I eat. Though low carb isn't for everyone. One benefit of low carb was improvement of my depression. 

I am reading an interesting book by Chris Palmer, he's a psychiatrist from Harvard. The title is Brain Energy. I'm not far into it, but so far it is intriguing. 

[Papa Coco]

Journal Entry for Sunday, April 7, 2024

I am a child hiding under the blankets of my bed. I feel safer here, even though I also feel alone. Alone feels safe. But I can hear the neighborhood kids playing outside my bedroom window. Yet I stay hidden. I feel jealous that they can play in the street while I hide under my covers pretending to be safe. Pretending this thin cloth creates a whole different world for me to be in charge of. A world without danger. But, sadly, also without friends.

I'm an old man now. But I'm still jealous of the world who is out playing. Working. Experiencing things. Traveling. Attending events and celebrations. My inner parts are still hiding under the covers. Still hearing the others playing just outside the thin glass of my bedroom window.

I'm so frustrated about these blankets. I want to come out from beneath the blankets. Are these blankets my protection, or my prison? I'm alone under them, but I can hear the world roaring around me. I want, so badly, to feel the energy it takes to throw down the blankets and go out and be alive with the world.

But I don't know how to do that. So, I stay locked in my house, knowing that all I have to do to go out and experience the world is to simply walk outside and experience the world. Part of me is champing at the bit to live my life, while the other part of me begs to stay hidden in my private little world, waiting for nightfall so I can go back to sleep.

So frustrating. I was born to run and jump and play, but I learned instead to hide. The pull to hide is stronger than the pull to play. I'm better at hiding than I am at playing. Even when I do venture outside to play, my inner voices scream at me to go back home and lock the door. So, here I am. Wishing I could just break out of this thinly shelled prison.