looking for relief

[CactusFlower]

Comfort level is so important! congrats on the tomato and getting things done while you can. The year will soon turn seasons, I think. gentle hugs for you 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, CF, for all your support and encouragement.  and, yes, soon autumn will be upon us and i'll be able to breathe that much easier.

[paul72]

hi sanmagic
Congratulations on your wonderful days..
Sending supportive hugs as well as best wishes for your daughter.

[Armee]

I'm so relieved you've gotten a few good days.  You have earned them. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, phil, for your support and care.

thank you, armee, for the smile you brought to my face this morning.   

[sanmagic7]

yesterday's session was focused upon my - dang, i just found the feeling for it!  shame about being a girl, having feminine parts, knowing my worth as a sexually attractive woman.  whew!  i was never shown how to be a girl, wasn't allowed to shave my legs until high school (and i'd gotten mocked about having gorilla legs in jr. high - i began wearing knee-highs after that), couldn't wear makeup till i was a senior, it was an aunt of mine who got me my first bra, and when i was 5, i'd dressed up in my dad's clothes and boots and hat, and he thought it was cute, so he nicknamed me 'skippy' after a ragamuffin boy in a comic strip (i've looked it up, yep, the same look).  being a boy was ok, being a girl was never addressed.

i went out into the world utterly confused about my role in relationships, my sexual being, my attractiveness.  it was only thru others that i learned about that, but not at the time.  one time in a bar in mex. w/ a girlfriend, i went to the john.  when i came back to the table, she told me that every man at the bar watched me walk there and back.  i had no idea anyone would even want to look at me like that.  she then told me 'you're completely unaware of the effect you have on men.  you're an innocent sleaze.'

this was during the time when i was floaty, had no idea of myself as a sexual being (even tho i've had several partners by that time) had no feelings about sex except it was a way for me to be touched.  it was the alexithymia at its biggest and best.  still, to this day, i'm uncomfortable with my breasts, putting them on display, so to speak, or even having them in my eyesight when i look down.  i've been amazed at my D wearing form-fitting shirts - i wear baggy tops all the time.  so, i'm thinking i have shame issues about my female body.

anyway, that's what we're going to hopefully resolve next time.  dang, the more i dig into this stuff, the more i'm discovering how deeply the wounds can be thru inaction on the part of my folks.  having to guess my way thru the world in my skin was a crapshoot at best, and left me confused almost all the time.  i've been unformed as a person most of my life, which i'm sure has contributed to my high level of tolerance for bad behavior by partners and friends.  besides which i've looked to others to help define me cuz i had no sense of who i am.  such a pity.

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, san. It's a lot to work through.

[Armee]

Ah San it truly IS a pity, to not know who you are, to not be aware of just your space and your affect on space and people, to not have been taught about yourself, and to not be comfortable with your body and being as it exists. The lack of awareness can be stunning. I get it, too. I also got mocked for gorilla legs. Ugh!!!!!

[Blueberry]

    except for the gorilla legs - not my experience

[Bach]

[sanmagic7]

thank you, CF, for your validation and support.   

armee, thanks so much for your validation, but i'm sorry you had the gorilla leg experience, too.  it really sucks - so humiliating and shaming.

thank you, blueberry, for your ongoing support.  very glad you did NOT have the gorilla legs experience.   

bach, those hugs are so warm and wonderful.  thank you so. 

making it thru day to day.  have had a few bouts of anxiety which have come out of nowhere - not liking that.  the stress has also taken its toll once again on my neck and shoulder muscles ending up w/ nightly headaches.  have been using my massager and it's helping to break up the tension inside, but has left me w/ very sore muscles which kind of leads to more tension/stress.  what a vicious circle this crapola creates!

[Armee]

Sending along some big hugs for when the anxiety flares. It's a bad feeling and I hope you can feel some nurturing care from us when you are in the midst of it. 

[Kizzie]

     More for you

[Papa Coco]

San, 

I can add some more hugs. 

These anxiety attacks are not fun. And they are quite difficult to avoid--they come over us when they darn well want to. That's why I call them storms. I don't ask for them, they just happen, and I have to find a way to weather them until they stop.

Sometimes, going to YouTube and searching on 10-minute mindfulness meditations brings up some nice, calm meditations that really do only take 10 minutes, and they're super easy. I don't meditate well because the anxiety of hypervigilance keeps my brain buzzing too fast to slow it down. But watching a short video with built-in sound is so easy that it works for me. It calms my hypervigilance down just long enough to release a ton of pent-up energy. Sometimes these little tricks seem too easy to be true, but the 10-minute mindfulness moments on YouTube bring me hours of peace when I need them.

On a side note: One of my great struggles is I feel like I'm always waiting for things to get better. I've been believing that my happiness is just one major change away for my entire life. I've been chasing a carrot on a stick. I'm like the gambler who always thinks the good life is just one good roll of the dice away. I'm always thinking that if the right people finally apologize to me for what they did, I'll finally be free. All I need is that closure and I'll finally be free to be happy. I'm always just sure that something...not sure what...is about to happen, and that's when I'll finally be free to be happy through and through. I googled the condition and found it to be common in a lot of people, and the best cure the internet offers is mindfulness meditations.  If you haven't read it yet, The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle is an amazing read. It brings a lot of peace to hypervigilance and chronic anxiety.

Whenever I'm dreading the future, or some future event, I joke with my family and friends; "I've got Pre-TSD... or Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder."

[sanmagic7]

love the hugs, everyone.  armee, kizzie, PC - i so appreciate the support and care.  thank you all.   

looking out my window this morning, the air is yellow.  it was quite windy yesterday and it seems to have blown the residue of surrounding fires into our vicinity.  we're not in danger, but it's eerie.  when we had to evacuate from out other house 2 yrs. ago, it was quite traumatic - the air was orange and the sun was red, and ash was falling making the outdoors air unbreathable.  all very unnatural.  my D is extremely triggered right now, full of anxiety.  i know we're in a safe situation, so i don't feel quite as bad, but it's stirring nonetheless.

i also had a theory about my anxiety bouts from the past few days - one of those days i felt anger at my parents rising up, and i forcefully pushed it down for fear it would overwhelm me.  after that was when i felt the unnamed anxiety and disturbance within.  i think the two are related - afraid of the emotions so it makes itself known thru anxiety and inner disturbance that i can't name.  well, anxiety and fear are related, so that made sense to me.

i realized this yesterday, didn't feel anxious last nite.  maybe i've landed on something here.  however, i'm going to have to flash technique through this so the emotions don't overtake me but i can get thru them. 

dang, i can't even remember what i worked on w/ my T yesterday.  it's like little chiggers are working their way thru my mind, splintering memories in their wake.  so frustrating!