Rainy Journal 2022

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you.  It is both cool and frustrating that healing keeps peeling back these layers within me that need attention. 
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CF, I appreciate your support.  I think some of the issue with my windshield is that my car is a 2022 model.  I have been waiting since March (!) for a windshield.  Safelite keeps telling me it is back ordered - I think I have to just wait it out but it is frustrating.
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Not Alone, I appreciate your support.  Thank you for your words. 
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San, thank you.  I am still really hard on my body but am trying.
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Larry, 
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I am struggling to find words these days.  I am noticing I haven't been compulsively learning like I usually do and don't have any current frameworks through which to think about things.  I've been trying to give myself a break but in the silence it is just lonely and uncertain.

I am feeling sad about my perceived lack of involvement here in the forum.  I've hit a plateau for the time being.

I have been wondering of late if my shoulder is a signal about all of my freeze responses over the years.  There is so much I kept down and inside in moments of terror.

I am also struggling with myself in general.  I feel like I live "wrong."  I don't know why but I haven't felt quite right since my last birthday.  I am struggling with the concept of family and of how I want to move forward in my life.  I struggle with how it feels like my family (and my in-laws) despises me still.

I am also not wanting to return to work in a month.  I am trying to not worry on it but I am. 

I keep waiting for everything to be ok.  "One day..." I think.  I haven't been able to be very present for a while.  A lot has happened in the past year.  Even though I still am so deeply hurt by what happened in my last job, I realize it is coming up on a whole year since it all went so bad. 

[sanmagic7]

rainy, that's a lot of 'wonders' and issues you are dealing with lately.  i hope you can be as gentle as possible w/ yourself.  as far as writing here, we do so when we are able, no pressure to 'perform' (i'm saying that to myself as i write it!).  your healing is at your pace, you know?  we're here for you.  sending love and a hug filled with comfort.

[CactusFlower]

Hey rainy-
What san said.  Your own pace is the right one to go at. I can see how anniversaries of things bring them back to the top of our mind. Gentle hugs as you work through these various items. We're here for you.

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate your support and reminders.  Your phrasing of performing is helpful.  I have been struggling to sleep the past few nights and I appreciate your words.
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CF, thank you.  I appreciate the reminder of my own pace - sometimes I wish it was faster but I don't even know what that means.  I also at times feel caught off guard at how quickly time can pass even when it feels like I am standing in one spot.
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I have been trying to be more consistent about doing yoga asana in the mornings.  I have also had comfort in doing tapping/Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) and have started doing that again.

I have an app for tapping that I have used off and on in the past.  Today I chose a session that was called Releasing Hurt.

I don't know why, but that word "hurt" really caught me.

I have worked hard to be more specific and learn how to describe my feelings.  And yet sometimes "simple" feels best. 

I am hurt.  I am hurt by a number of things and I don't believe I have called it hurt before.

In the tapping session, the guide said something like "work through this hurt at your own speed" which made me feel better and echoes what San and CF encouraged. 

I think I feel a lot of pressure to "let go" of the pain and hurt something caused me because it happened a long time ago.  And yet the hurts have compounded and repeated and dug very deep in my body and mind and heart.

I feel more easeful today.  My shoulder hasn't been as obviously annoying. 

My husband and I are going camping the next few days.  I am partly looking forward to it and partly not.  It is another opportunity to use what I have learned and communicate with my husband.  I don't like many things about camping and thus I don't know why I keep agreeing to going.  I agree because I know it is something my husband enjoys. 

I actually question if he does like it - all his leisure activities that he says he likes are things he did growing up which makes sense as many people learn leisure activities from their families.  But I often wonder if he really does like it and I hope that one day he has the chance to consider what he actually does like.

I struggle with camping because I get overwhelmed sensory wise and have trouble sleeping.  I am fine with being outside for the day but sleeping outside is difficult.  I have been more honest with my husband about how I feel about camping and at this point all I feel like I can do is keep being honest.

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy, glad to hear your shoulder isn't as bad. i think that's always a good sign.

as far as camping goes, it's not for everyone.  i hope you can get somewhat of a good time out of it. 

i relate to that word 'hurt'.  i'm only beginning to realize how hurt i've been.  it's different from pain.  and, i totally get that the hurts have been compounded over time.  too many layers of it to simply shrug off and let go of.  i sincerely hope you're able to work thru those layers at whatever pace feels ok for you.  it's a lot to contend with so please be patient w/ yourself.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I know  you're due to go camping in the coming days, and I know it's not something you particularly like to do - I really hope that you have a safe journey and that it is reasonably comfortable etc, (as much as camping can be). 


Hope 

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate your reflection and reminders and encouragement.
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Hope, I appreciate your support.  The trip went better than I was expecting and I will reflect more below.
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I am back from the camping trip.  It was relatively ok.  I have learned to make use of my earplugs and to try to check in with myself. 

Although my husband contributes to dynamics in ways that can be tough, I also notice how quickly I jump to focus on him when my "issue" or whatever it is actually has to do with me.

My parents punished leisure time, especially leisure I enjoyed.  I don't think they meant to as they don't know how to rest at all.  So I think camping brings that out where there is a lot of downtime and I don't have my usual ways of distracting myself and I have to face myself a bit more than I am always ready or able to handle.

I am struggling today because I have a dentist appointment later.

I cannot express how much I loathe going to the dentist. 

Some of this loathing is inherited and comes from weird interactions my mom in particular had with me and the dentist.  I struggle generally with medical care of any kind because of my mom.  I am now seeing how she generally was the one that took me.  Most of the times I actually went to the doctor were for things that were visible and not actually a huge problem to me (but they were to her). 

So I equate the doctor generally with this hate of my body and self that I was taught.

I also struggle with the dentist because I do have odd teeth.  I have an overbite, I still have my wisdom teeth, I have discoloration that I'm pretty sure is from a place I lived growing up, and my bottom teeth are crooked.  I hate these things about myself because of how my mom specifically handled my teeth growing up and the conversations I now have to have each time I go to a new dentist. 

My teeth are also hard because kids I work with (and kids in general that I interact with) always say something about my teeth. 

So I am deeply self conscious but also am not willing to undergo thousands of dollars of procedures for cosmetic things as I do not have issues with the way my system functions. 

It is so much to carry.  I hope this dentist will just clean my teeth and leave me be.

[CactusFlower]

HUGS Rainy. I hear you, I have similar dental issues, and going to military dentists in my formative years was painful to say the least. I hope the visit goes as quickly and uneventfully as it can for you.

[sanmagic7]

i'm with you on loathing going to the dentist.  too many painful experiences.  hope your visit is smooth and you get done what you need done and nothing more, and you can get out as soon as you can.  also glad you were able to get thru the camping trip as painlessly as possible. much love and hugs for you.

[rainydiary]

CF, I appreciate your words and am comforted to know I am not the only one.
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San, I appreciate your support and your experience as it helps to know others feel this way too.
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The dentist was touch and go but overall went by ok.  I will be ok to go back to this place as long as they leave me alone about the anatomy of my mouth.

I have a massage soon.  I have decided to find a different massage therapist after this appointment.  The person I am seeing now does some good things but I cannot move past her making medical diagnosis statements to me that I didn't ask for.  That isn't her place and it has filled with worry. 

I feel like I am on the verge of something I can't put into words.  I continue to feel so disconnected internally at times and it leaves me feeling so weird.  Even if nothing is actually wrong, I feel like so much is wrong.

I have been reflecting on how uncomfortable I am around other adults and how I think I project a lot of standoffishness to protect myself.  I am also seeing patterns in my life where I am not sure I've ever really had many true friends.  I've just played out similar patterns and it is leaving me feeling confused.  My patterns are to befriend other trauma survivors where we just trigger the heck out of each other until it falls apart, to have a person older than me that is like a mentor but also a caretaker, or to push away people that make overtures. 

I've been feeling especially the lack of two people that were strong supports to me.  One was my massage therapist where I used to live - she helped me so much.  We had a weird text exchange when I had first moved and I haven't heard from her since.
I am also missing a person that I met at a yoga training I did.  She has been supportive to me over the past few years and of late we've grown apart some.  I think she is having a difficult time and needed some space. 

There just isn't ever a completely comfortable day and that is wearing on me.  I don't want to feel so mixed up all the time. 

[Blueberry]

I hear you rainy. Sending good thoughts and hoping for some comfort for you. 

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I appreciate your support.  I am thinking of you on your journey.
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I am having trouble falling asleep tonight.

I am reflecting on some things I uncovered  yesterday and today.

If I were to observe myself in my interactions with my current massage therapist (and any adult person I feel vulnerable around), I would see how hard I work to always be prepared for anything that might come up.  I am immediately on the defense.  I carry around every single misstep or perceived misstep and try so hard to anticipate what might happen.

I realized that some of my trouble with this current massage therapist is that she is a person that likes to give advice and recommendations.  In general, none of these were things I asked for and it seems to be her nature to offer them.  When I don't follow through because they aren't actually helpful to me, I get caught in a dynamic that feels all too familiar and troubling: I am letting my parents down.

I had the thought yesterday how exhausting it was live in the house with my dad especially.  What a heavy and lonely thing to carry such deep oppressiveness that others couldn't see or understand.

I saw a post on Facebook today that hasn't left my mind.  It included a statement of how children are often disregarded as autonomous beings and how few rights children have which leaves them extremely vulnerable to abuse and violence. 

This made me think about me and work.  I often feel looked down upon by other adults for the space I am able to create for students.  Other adults make me feel like I am doing something wrong by treating children with dignity and not pressing compliance.  I make a lot of mistakes too but there are so many things wrong with the way students I know are treated.

I usually spend summers constantly obsessing over how to prepare for the next school year.  How to finally get it right so other adults will treat me with respect.  It is still my attempts to be loved by my parents in a way that is kind and responsive and supportive which I didn't get. 

This summer I have tried and mostly succeeded to think as little about work as possible.  I am so tired of all the worry and pain and hurt I carry. 

I plan to stop trying so hard at some things (like always being prepared and always anticipating what another adult might want or need) and see what happens. 

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i can relate to so much of what you wrote.  the planning, the obsessiveness to get something 'right', wanting to be perfect, and all of it leading back to childhood.  you have an understanding far beyond your peers of children, and i give you lots of credit for treating them like people.  you are doing the right thing, and unless someone you work w/ gets some enlightenment, i doubt they'll change toward you.  i had a similar situation, and was known throughout my 4 yrs. of work as the 'flaky' therapist.  it never changed, even tho they saw the pos. results w/ the adolescents under my care.

as far as the massage therapist, may i offer a suggestion?  i don't like music or speaking while i'm getting a massage, and before i even begin getting ready for it, i tell the m. ther. precisely that.  i've had some surprised looks, but each one has shown respect, and eliminated the noise factor for me.  they are there to serve you in the best way possible, not the other way around.  they're not the boss of you like your parents were.  if this doesn't work for you, please ignore it.

love and hugs, rainy.  hope you can get back to sleeping well.

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, rainy. And I agree with san; if a massage therapist won't respect your need for a quiet environment, they're not being professional enough.

And regardless about other adults, it sounds like you create an environment that's respectful and a sanctuary for the kids. They're lucky to have you.

[rainydiary]

San & CF - I appreciate the suggestions.  I agree I could be more direct the massage therapist.  I am going to try a different person next time - based on their intake questionnaire, they seem more trauma informed.  Thank you too for the support of me with kids I work with.   
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I am having a difficult moment.  I received a letter today from my car finance company.  I had received a voicemail from them earlier this week that I didn't take too seriously as I thought they were just waiting for title information. 

The letter I received asked me to send them my title as the information was not correct on it.  I do not understand what they are needing as I don't have any official documents - I thought the state sends the lienholder what they need and I get the title once the loan is paid off.  I sent a message to the finance company and hope to get this clarified. 

I've just never had so much trouble with car paperwork and I am so tired of dealing with it.  But also, this stuff is so triggering as I take this that I did something wrong when really all I am is the middle person.  I don't understand why they are making this my problem but they are. 

I have been feeling up and down today.  My relationship with myself and with my husband just feel hard right now.  I was reflecting that when my husband and I are first moved to our old state, it felt like this too. 

I purchased Janina Fisher's workbook Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma and am curious what I will encounter.