Rainy Journal 2022

[Armee]

EFs suck, partly because no matter what we tell ourselves logically, it doesn't help or sink in.

The day will be over soon and you've got here to come to to help process. I hope the concert helps your brain come out of the EF even though you'll probably rather rest.

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you for the encouragement.  I'm not sure if my EF is completely over but I am feeling better.
.........
Well I made it. 

I have a feeling I have missed some things in wrapping up my job for the summer.  But I think I got the big stuff and the rest will sort out in August.

I made it through the dinner and concert I was worried about.  Both were enjoyable even though I was tired and have had a long day.

We are in a city that I would love to live in some day although I don't know that we will.  I hope to rest well tonight.  I am up much later than usual and I imagine it will be a bit tough to wind down.

I am grateful for the support I receive here and that I am beginning to be more open to support from others in my life.  I still want to live with as little interaction as possible and hardly ever leave my house, but I think I am finding my way.

[CactusFlower]

Hey rainy- glad you had an an enjoyable dinner and concert. Hope you get some rest, and safe trip back. Gentle hugs if you want them.

[sanmagic7]

so glad you're done w/ that place, rainy.  hoorah!    love and a hug filled w/ taking all the time you need to settle out.

[rainydiary]

Thank you CF and San.  I appreciate your support.
.........
I am still easing into my break from work.

The trip out of town went better than I was expecting.

I feel ways I have changed.  I still can be reactive but it feels more manageable and I bring more awareness.

I am sharing my ideas more readily instead of just sitting by.

I have walked through some hard things and made it.

I am also filled with deep deep anxiety.

I have been listening to a loving kindness meditation on YouTube and one of the lines says something like, "I wish myself deepest well-being."

I feel that line deep inside.

I think I have generally worked through a lot of big things that have happened to me. 

I think I am getting into what is stored deeper.  What is stored from genes passed down and isn't even necessarily mine.

And I am scared.

I noticed a bump on my back recently.  It doesn't hurt.  I have had similar bumps show up from time to time.

My brain wants to say it is nothing.  In the past it hasn't been anything, just tissue and something physicians haven't been concerned about.

But it still scares me.  I am mostly scared at how my brain needs to invent tragedy just as I am feeling good about myself.

I have made a doctors appointment to establish care with a new doctor (which unfortunately isn't until September).  If the bump I am noticing changes for the worst, I will find a different doctor that can see me more urgently.

I signed up for an acupuncture appointment.  As I continue on my journey I find I would like to try other things that may be supportive.  I'm not sure acupuncture will be my thing but I am curious.

I am trying to face myself and my fears.  But it is difficult.  Life is so complex.

[sanmagic7]

life is indeed complex, rainy.  i love that line about 'deepest well-being'.  i felt it inside.  profound.

i hope you're patient w/ yourself as you transition from the awfulness of that place.  also sorry about your bump - i know how scary the unknown can be.  best of everything to you.  i admire you for continuing to move forward in spite of anxiety, fear, and the looming unknown.  those genetic traumas are very real.  love and hugs

[Armee]

Gentle hugs and congrats on being done with that school Rainy. I agree with San you have been extraordinarily courageous in facing the difficulties and complexities of both your life and the family legacies.

[CactusFlower]

Hear, Hear, I agree as well. Hope the loving kindness meditations help. Also wishing you luck with doctors. I resonate with not wanting to deal with all that. Gentle hugs.

[rainydiary]

Thank you San, Armee, CF for the support.  I appreciate it very much.
..........
I am really feeling a lot today.  Generally I am feeling very lost and uncertain what it is I want moving forward.

I tried acupuncture today and it is possible that released a bunch of stuff hence all the feelings. 

It is hard for me to know what to write as many things are coming up.

I think I've been avoiding some things that it will be good to begin to face.

My in-laws are coming next week and I think that is also weighing on me.  My relationship to my husband feels especially hard right now. 

I think sleep and rest is needed.  I am surprised at how discombobulated I feel right now.

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, wishing you good rest and energy for their visit to get through it.

[rainydiary]

Thank you CF - the visit is beginning sooner than I thought (today). 
.........

This post is going to be petty and long.

My husband told me his parents are in our area.  I didn't realize they were coming today. 

As far as I understand, they are going to a city about 2 hours away to see a concert (which I think is on Monday so not sure why they are here now).

The reason I feel like this will be a petty post is that I would like to list out all of the things I believe will happen while they are here.  My in-laws are a huge trigger for me and I'm not sure how else to cope with them being here.

In the lead up to this, my husband told me that he "invited" them to visit us this coming week.  I don't doubt he believes that is what happened but I don't believe it is that simple.  I've watched the games his family plays and know that this was manipulated.

What I expect will happen give or take some:

1. On the way to their concert, they will "surprise" us by stopping in our city (it is on the way)

2. My husband will be expected to pick up his brother, sister, and niece when they arrive next week

3. The family will want to see our apartment and will come at a time when I am either using the bathroom or taking a shower

4. The family will have a very long list of things they want to do that will result in fighting and everyone doing things they don't want to do to please one person

5. The long list of things to do won't actually happen and my husband will be the one planning everything they do

6.  The family will buy too much food that they don't eat and will leave it with me and my husband when they leave

7.  I will do one thing with them and then make up excuses to avoid spending any more time with them

The more I walk my healing journey, the more I realize I am triggered by them because they remind me of my family in terms of lack of boundaries and inappropriate emotional behavior.  My family is different but the same dynamics are present. 

It is hard when my in-laws are here because my husband feels so torn.  He feels deep and unwavering loyalty to his family in a way that hurts me.  I know my husband cares about me but that loyalty was programmed in and his mom especially uses it to come between us.  My husband wants all of us to be happy and can't make us all happy at once.

I try really hard to give him space with his parents as it is better for everyone if I stay away.  They don't want me around them and yet if I don't force myself to be around them they don't like it either.  So nothing I do is correct. 

It is also hard for me to watch my MIL especially pretend like she gives a care for anything my FIL wants to do.  I'm afraid of being like her and always going along with "the man" because that is the dynamic they have.  And a dynamic that my husband and I play into because I often agree to things for the sake of what feels like peace but not myself. 

We'll see how the next week goes.  This is going to be a long one.

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy,

personally, i think the word 'petty' does not cover the litany of misery, stress, and tension-producing behaviors you've listed.  i don't think they're petty.  rather, i find this list distressing  for you to have to anticipate the words and actions of these people every time they enter your life space.  i can only hope for you that this visit goes quickly and you're able to stay away from them as much as possible, whether they like it or not.  your health and well-being deserve to be first priorities.  i'm just sorry you have to go thru this again!  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate your words and the reflection that it isn't petty.  I was reflecting earlier today about times I've tried to talk to others about my experiences with my in-laws.  I get a lot of gaslighting- how I should be so kind and give them no reason to complain.  What this ignores is that they are not well people and they always have something to complain about.  I appreciate your support.
.........

The past few days have been emotional.  I was wrong about some things in my list - my in-laws haven't shown up yet but the time is approaching.  I would say my husband is feeling it as he has been more emotional the past few days.

We have a lot more time together without the distraction of work.  My husband doesn't know what to do with himself.  He also has plans that he won't carry out.  I am really noticing more and more how anxious he really is.

I am noticing how we trigger one another and how that does and doesn't get handled.  Yesterday I said something that upset him and he left.  Taking a walk isn't a problem, but him saying "I'm leaving" (which is different than I am taking a walk) hurt.  And yet when I am triggered, I say things that hurt.

Something shifted in our relationship in the aftermath of his brother's death.  That shift is still taking shape for both of us.  He hasn't done the emotional and mental work that I have and some of our dynamics are so stubborn to change. 

The dynamic that has been coming up a lot the past few days is that he feels responsible for things that aren't his to feel responsible about (and I do the same).  I have been trying to let him know he doesn't have to immediately jump in and that if I need help I will say.  There is a show we like to watch where when one of the main characters was a child and his mom had a newborn, she said to him, "Your sister, your responsibility."  I feel that expectation was placed on my husband and my establishing boundaries with him is really pressing on him.

I hope that by this time next week the visit is past and we can keep finding our way forward in whatever way that may be (even if apart is best).  I am tired of feeling like my relationship depends on his mom's moods and what the family expects. 

I highly suspect I scare the living daylights out of them because I am stronger inside.  They have often commented on how I was a "rock" during my BIL's death....but because I didn't stop living my life to take care of my parents in law, I am a bad person.  I haven't gotten over the poison they put in my husband about me and how he responded.  I wish I wasn't still working through that along with all the things I've experienced at work too....but I am.  I am trying to accept that. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy,

i smiled at one of your last comments, about scaring the daylights out of someone because of your own inner strength.  i've had similar observations about myself to the point that i've been told others are intimidated by me cuz they can't control me.  sound familiar?  people want predictable go-alongs so as not to upset their own boats. 

pooh to them!  of course you seem bad to them.  you are your own person and people like them don't like that.  stay your course, rainy, ok?  sending love and a hug filled w/ strength boosters.

[Armee]

 

Sending you supportive hugs as you get through the in law visit and the downtime with your husband. I agree with San, keep holding your ground and boundaries - they are reasonable and protective.