Rainy Journal 2022

[Bach]

Rainy, I hardly ever feel like an adult. I think that's a fairly significant social phenomenon in our strange consumerism-driven society. I actually started working on a documentary film a few years ago about what it means to be an adult, because questions around what makes a person an adult and discussions about not feeling like an adult were cropping up in so many places in my life. I haven't gotten very far with the film yet but I still have aspirations for it especially after the experience of buying and selling a house. That strikes me as a very adult thing to do, and I certainly felt like an adult the first time I visited my new house after the closing, as well as during the glorious time before the actual move that I was able to comfortably let go of many physical possessions that I have long felt compelled to hang on to, but most of the time lately I have felt more clueless and less adult than ever! Do you have any thoughts about what would make you an adult, or would let you feel more like one?

I hope your 8 days go smoothly and we'll, and that your summer break gives you time and space to rest and settle as you need.

A for you, if you want it 

[Armee]

That would be an interesting thread to start Bach because I'm pretty sure all of us can relate to that feeling... and I could see a documentary like that being very very popular! Great idea Bach!

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you for the support.  Today was harder than I expected and I'll reflect below.
.....
Bach, I appreciate your thoughts and experience and creative venture into being  "adult."  I'll start a different thread elsewhere in the forum to open up that question.  The hugs are welcome.
..........

I am really tired this evening.

I had some very rude interactions with people today feeling frustrated with me because we have paperwork due and they were waiting on me.  I thought I had more time but I was wrong.  Both of the schools I am at handle this paperwork differently. 

Because I was upset by the rudeness I experienced, I was a bit more fresh with my language today than I have been.  I feel awkward that a person was trying to be nice to me and I cussed in the context of our conversation and I think it was weird.

I also notice two people that act different when they talk to me.  They talk to me like they are worried I will cry or be overly emotive.  It makes me feel bad.  I've had to establish boundaries with both of these people.  But I find how they are overly apologetic or weird toward me really triggering. 

I don't want to be mean to people.  Setting boundaries isn't mean and I don't think I've done anything to these folks that is mean.  But their weird deference to me makes me so uncomfortable. 

The meeting I've been worried about has been scheduled for Monday.  It is scheduled during the school day which is fine with me.  I'm trying to not think on it too much other than that I think I should relook at the report I made and be ready to speak to it. 

It is just so awkward.  This parent has made a huge fuss with her 120 page document and complaints.  Her advocate crossed a line with me by reporting me for my body language or whatever her issue was.  I don't understand why either of these people think their behavior is necessary to facilitate "getting what they want."  It certainly doesn't facilitate collaboration. 

I definitely need to get to bed soon and hopefully I will feel refreshed in the morning.

[rainydiary]

Today was a difficult day at work trying to wrap up loose ends.

I ended up with a big headache as I didn't really care for myself as well as I could have.  I am also having my period and there is always one day where I get a really bad headache.

When I got home, I prioritized taking care of myself.  I ate some dinner and rested.  I showered.  I took some ibuprofen and put a balm with essential oils on.  I reduced what I was looking at.  I felt well enough eventually to watch a show with my husband that we really enjoy.

And now my headache is mostly gone.  This is rather a first.  I didn't think I would be able to stand the evening with how I felt.  In the past my brain would have kept going and my headache would have intensified.  I've come a ways.

I still feel tension in my body and am still stressed some of which is environmental and some of which is my body's response in my menstrual cycle.  But I am also feeling a better as I see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs, rainy. glad your headache abated.

[Armee]

 

Sending along lots of strength to get through the next couple days. 

[Larry]

 

[rainydiary]

CF, thank you.   
.....
Armee, I appreciate this wish. 
.....
Hi Larry 
..........

I had the meeting I'd been worried about today.

It didn't go as badly as I had worried.  I'm not sure it went badly at all but I am so exhausted right now my Inner Critic is giving me a hard time about how it went.

The main thing I noticed is that the advocate who caused me all the trouble I've had was not there and there was a new person in that role.  That made me feel better that the other person had a consequence.

I still wish we could have cleared the air today.  We just acted like nothing happened.

Some old feelings have been coming up especially as a visit from my in-laws approaches.  I'm noticing old wounds being triggered and I wasn't catching it as this is becoming more subtle.

I have always hated how my in-laws invite themselves to do things with their kids like they are friends.  I realize this bothers me so much because my parents involved themselves in my life when I was a teenager in ways that weren't great.  I have memories of my dad taking me football games when I was in high school and I wasn't able to hang out with friends without him looming.  How my mom hung out with me and a friend having a sleepover.  I've ignored or not thought about these things happening.  I'm not sure I've processed them yet but I am aware.

My stomach feels in knots.  I am almost done with work for a while.  I am upset about my in-laws coming and about a trip later this week.  I also misunderstood when my last day of work is so actually have to work until Thursday. 

My husband is on a break from work and we have some navigating to do with that.  Our enmeshed relationship really comes out in this time.  I don't get bored easily and always have things I want to do.  They are internal things and not as obvious to others.  My husband needs a lot more from others and expects me to fill that gap.  I hope he will find his own things.   

[rainydiary]

I woke up incredibly anxious today.

I think that has a lot of sources. 

School year endings haven't been great the past few years so part of me is waiting for someone to hurt me.

As things at work wind down and resolve, I have holes that my brain is trying to fill with anxiety.

I have social events coming up I would rather skip.

I just need a break from being around others. 

[Armee]

 

There's a lot going on right now for you and I wish for you to have time to yourself soon. 

[Larry]

   tomorrow will be a sunny day   

[rainydiary]

Thanks Armee and Larry. 
........

Today I am experiencing anxiety that work that is different than yesterday.

I am at my last day at the school that has been so difficult.

There is some paperwork that is overdue and it seems like is a situation that was missed by the people that were here all year.

A coworker that has been in this building the longest has been obsessing over this situation for a while. 

Instead of dealing with it herself (which she could have in all the time she spent obsessing over it), she threw it at me and other people and copied bosses on it.  Right before sending out an email she had had me list out the classes I had been working with and then used that in her response. 

I am over this place.  I know the reason this person didn't deal with it is because it is a mess.  The bosses assigned someone to do it and I can hear her saying she won't do it. 

So now I'm worried I will be asked to do it. 

[Armee]

The school is dysfunctional and I hope when you walk away you know it is them and not you.

[rainydiary]

Armee, yes it is dysfunctional. 
..........
I made it through the day but am feeling ashamed of losing my cool.

As I worried, I was put in a situation where I felt like I needed to step up and say I would complete the paperwork.  I really lost my cool at the person who instigated this.  I was also upset because another person was directly asked by a boss to do it and she told me she refused to do it.  I pointed out to her that her refusal basically meant it would fall on me. 

I offered to do the paperwork and asked for guidance.  One of my bosses responded to say that she appreciated my offer but that she would find someone else to do it.  She said this was a problem that started before I even began this job and that it wasn't on me to resolve. 

I was surprised and grateful that she said that. 

I also found out which schools I will be at next year and they seem like they will be relatively ok compared to what I have been enduring.

For now I am trying to wind down so I can get some sleep.  I have to attend a silly training tomorrow and turn in my computer then my work obligations will be done for now. 

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow.  My husband and I will be going out of town for a concert.  I agreed to it when I didn't think I had work that day.  Having to do work in the morning changes how I feel about going.

[rainydiary]

I believe I am in an EF.  Last school year my very last day of work was terrible.  My body and brain can't believe that I will be ok today.

I will try to do some things this morning and today that help me when I feel this way.