Rainy Journal 2022

[sanmagic7]

i'm right with CF.  i'm impressed w/ your continuing kindnesses to yourself.  love and hugs

[Armee]

Wishing you clarity for that meeting. It sounds very difficult. I hope everyone there focuses on what the child needs instead of acting in ways that hurt the team.

[rainydiary]

CF, thank you.  I go through these phases where I know yoga helps me but it is hard to fit it in mentally.  I appreciate your support.
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San, thank you for your words.  I still feel like I am especially hard on myself so it is helpful to have your perspective.
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Armee, thank you.  I am not seeing a lot of focus on the child and that upsets me.  All this testing isn't about the child but rather how his parent views him.  Testing won't lead to outcomes.   I appreciate your support.
.........

Today my self care was odd.  I was running this morning before work.  I can't remember exactly what I was thinking but my thoughts weren't kind to myself.  I remember thinking "I'm giving myself a hug" and that thought made me feel better.

Work was weird today.  A colleague who is usually really interactive was very silent toward me today.  It likely had little to do with me but I of course interpret as my fault.  I'm also just feeling no motivation or morale. 

My husband and I are continuing to navigate our together time.  I am finally acknowledging to myself that I truly don't enjoy a lot of things he likes to do in his leisure time.  Or least I don't enjoy them the way he does.  He typically wants to hike, go camping and go to concerts. 

I don't mind these things in moderation.  But I don't like them that much.  I also don't think he likes them that much either - these are things his parents do in their leisure time.  I feel bad that my husband hasn't had the opportunity to explore his own interests. 

My parents have no leisure so I don't have great examples of how to use my time which is why I often went along with his stuff.  It also isn't two way -  I love seeing plays which he won't do with me.  So I don't always have to agree to do things I don't like just to make him happy. 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
You are having a lot of contemplative and reflective things going on currently, on top of your workload, and I think it's good that you're being able to see things and think about them.  I just wanted to say that, and send you a hug too, if that's ok 

I've found it helpful to read what you write about self-care, as it's made me think about self-care more myself.  I really like it that you remembered thinking to yourself 'I'm giving myself a hug' and that it helped, that's something I also do sometimes, and sometimes I physically give myself a hug, and that's so powerful too - it's like it really touches the younger parts within me - I don't know if you also physically hugged yourself, and whether you also find that helpful.  I can see that the thought was probably sufficient, as you said you felt better.

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, thank you for your reflection.  I sometimes physically hug myself and it can be very supportive.  Thank you for suggesting it.  I have gotten over my resistance to a self hug as it initially seems odd but it is comforting.
.........

I am not doing so well today. 

Part of my self-care today was doing a workout and yoga session this morning which I knew would make me feel better even though I really didn't want to.  I have my drawing class this evening.  I know that once I go it will be fine but the thought of going right now is too much.

Last night I had a dream where someone I interpreted as a college classmate made the following comment to me: "You haven't done much with your life."  I am feeling so unsettled that my brain generated that thought. 

My husband and I had a weird morning too.  He is taking a leave of absence from his job and will have a lot of time off coming up.  He is making a ton of plans.  He wants to include me but some of the things I do not want to do.  I am planning to return to work next school year and need to be thoughtful about how I use my energy. 

He also has constantly been bringing up money.  His family of origin is deeply messed up with their relationship to money and this is carrying over.  He suggested we go to breakfast this coming Saturday but then starts balking at the cost of the food.  It makes me not want to go.  He opts for cheapness at times that don't make sense to me.  It's like we either live or we don't.  I'm ok with being thoughtful and intentional in our spending but that isn't what he is doing.

We have been making plans to adjust to working less.  When he acts like this about money, it makes me feel like that isn't going to work and I then feel pressure to keep working so that I could at least support myself if needed.  But I also don't want to be in the position of supporting him in all these ways while he doesn't contribute to our partnership in ways that nurture it.

When I got to work this morning, I sent him a message about how this morning made me feel.  I mentioned that the conversations about money are making things seem joyless.  I then suggested that we sit down and talk about how we move forward together.  A lot of words and ideas have been thrown out but I am lost in it all.

At times like this I really feel all the ways I have changed.  I used to be so defined by what he thought and did and that isn't true anymore.  It makes me afraid as I am in a place with him I don't recognize or know how to navigate.

I feel so weird and sad and like I need a long cry.

[Armee]

A long cry would be a good form of self care. A lot of your self care sounds like stuff that is good for you but that makes you do something you don't  feel like doing in the moment. Perhaps making time to do nothing would be helpful too. You push yourself pretty hard and I can see why that thought came up in your sleep last night and I wonder if it is really someone else's thought. Sending supportive hugs if that is helpful. Your relationship is in a tricky spot right now but I see you seeing what you need and setting solid requests and boundaries and that is a good healthy thing for you and for a relationship. 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the perspective Armee.  It doesn't really resonate for me yet it is giving me some things to consider.
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Work ended up being very difficult - the parent of the student I was investigated for is becoming challenging.  She is requesting something from me I don't understand.  I don't understand because it feels like she has a larger agenda and is being coached by someone also pushing their own agenda.

I am really feeling the impact of multiple, successive traumas. 

I'm not sure what the best way forward is.  I contacted my boss and we'll see how tomorrow sorts out.

[Not Alone]

I'm sorry that work continues to be so stressful.

[Armee]

Sending you support. Take care of yourself.

[paul72]

Sending support and kindness your way rainydiary
I hope your boss is supportive.. I too am sorry that your work is so stressful! 

[Larry]

Hi rainy,     

[rainydiary]

Thank you Not Alone, Armee, and Phil for the support about work. 
.....
Larry 
.........
I'm glad it's Friday. 

The work situation continues to be weird and stressful.  I didn't respond to the parent emailing me on Wednesday as I wanted help from a boss in responding.  I didn't hear from my boss and the parent responded more aggressively to me today.  I talked to the principal in the building and got her input on responding as I knew that if I didn't say something that the parent would escalate all weekend.  I haven't been able to shake all the stress this caused me today but hopefully sleeping will help.

What's hard for me is that this parent is clearly struggling with something.  But because she is being so aggressive and because of the laws associated with my work and the fact she has an "advocate" who overstepped so many boundaries, I am struggling to be understanding of her humanity.  I wish this situation was going differently.  It is making me ill.

I've been struggling with feeling supported by others.  I'm noticing that often what makes me feel supported is having my thoughts and feelings and experiences  seen, heard, accepted, and the other person/people still wanting to talk to me.  Often people offer advice which I often don't want.  I think I am getting better at telling people when that is what I want. 

I also notice I get into that space of wanting to offer advice to students.  It comes from wanting to help a student not feel alone.  Yet I have no control over how another person feels and my experience (which leads to advice) isn't universal.  It us really difficult to just hold space for someone else's experience.

46 days left of my current school year (that includes weekends - I know folks that only focus on school days but I certainly don't leave work fully behind in my brain on the weekends).  It feels far away.  This weekend I have a massage and Saturdays have been rather relaxing of late so hopefully that will be the case tomorrow.

[sanmagic7]

may this last 46 days go quickly for you, rainy.  so very sorry for what's you're going thru at work.  best to you getting thru it all.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Also hoping the last 46 days are as least-stress as possible for you. hugs if you want them!

[rainydiary]

Thank you San and CF - the days are slowly moving by.  It is still quite stressful but I am making it.
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Today I took a sick day from work as I am mentally sick.  I plan to try to take at least one sick day a week until the end of the school year.

I needed a break from the forum but am finding my way back as some things are unlocking as the death of my grandmother nears.

My mom shared recently that my grandmother has stopped eating and drinking much.  Her end is nearing. 

I remembered a box of photos my mom had given me a while back.  I've been wanting to see a photo of myself and my grandmother together. 

I looked the box a bit just now and found one from when I was around 2-3 years old.   I cried quite a bit.

My tears are also because as I was looking through photos I don't remember most of what was photographed.  I don't know how other people especially those without trauma remember their childhoods, but the photos just made me sad.

I had to stop.  Maybe at some point I will have more energy to look through those photos.  But for now I have grief to move through.