Rainy Journal 2022

[rainydiary]

Thank you Hope, San, and Cactus - I appreciate your kindness and support.

I am at home waiting for the time of my drawing class.  Getting myself out of the house to go is going to be difficult as I knew it would be when I signed up.  I haven't had any communication from the studio other than my payment confirmation which makes me anxious something will go off.  I imagine once I get there and into it all, I will be ok.

After I posted here, I shared my experience with my fellow speech therapists.  They were supportive.  I still feel lousy but it was helpful to talk to them.  My stomach feels better but my eye is still bothering me.  It might be allergies or stress.  Last night I thought I had gotten hand sanitizer in my eye and I was convinced I was going to wake up blind.  I wish my brain didn't work like that.

I think my husband and I are finding a way forward.  We worked through a conversation where I shared that I am tired too and it's hard for me to come home and make dinner and do all these things.  He responded by making his own dinner which made me feel supported.

I hope that the drawing class happens and is fun.  I'll share more about that tomorrow.

[rainydiary]

The drawing class happened and was a good time.  I have 5 more sessions and now that I know what to expect I think my anxiety about it will go down.

I haven't mentioned that the past several nights I've been sleeping with a weighted blanket.  It has helped my sleep so much.  I wasn't expecting that.  I'm not sure what it is but the weight offers me some level of comfort.  Even if I wake at night, I feel the weight and fall back asleep without my mind racing. 

My stomach hurt when I first arrived at work today.  I don't want to be here.  My morale and motivation is gone.  I am doing the bare minimum.  I am trying to figure out what could be next for me.

[rainydiary]

Today my self care looked like running, connecting with a colleague and pausing after work.  In my pause, my husband prepared dinner which was nice.

[Armee]

I'm really happy to hear your husband made dinner and listened to you about that.

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy - i love my weighted blanket, and experience it much as you described.  comforting and a sense of being held safely.  so glad yours is helping you, too. 

kudos to your hub for making dinner.  my self care was walking an extra 3 blocks when i could've just said 'forget it.'  i think you're doing wonderfully well with yours.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

I'm chiming in to tout the weighted blanket too. It's weird, but it really does feel safe and comforting. Also, it was nice of him to make dinner for you. hope you had a good time running!

[Larry]

hi rainy,   

[rainydiary]

Armee, I think he is listening and I am trying to receive that the best I can.
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San, it has surprised me with the blanket as I used to use it while sitting in my lounger and it wasn't as helpful then.  I love your self-care walk and hope you are finding ways too.
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Cactus, I'm glad I figured the blanket out and that you and others find it so helpful too.  It hasn't helped the bags under my eyes - I think a student mentioned my eye bags but I didn't realize that is what they meant. LOL
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Hi Larry!
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Today my self-care came in me walking with my head held high into and out of work. 

Today I am also navigating how my experience last week completely drained my drive for my work.  Something was lost last week.  I am so disappointed in other people and in myself. 

I'm trying to figure out what it is I want moving forward.  I get caught up in ideas that aren't really me but are me trying to prove myself to others and to feel like I matter. 

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i think what you described about trying to figure out how to be so that you matter to others is a big trap many of us have been caught up in.  i can trace mine back to childhood.  losing oneself in order to please others.  just want you to know you're not alone in this.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Totally agree with San on this one, losing oneself. gentle hugs if you want them.

Also, a nice natural way to reduce eyebags temporarily is to take a wet cool teabag and lay on each eye for five minutes. Hope it helps!

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate the support and words.  It makes sense.  I'll reflect more below.
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Cactus, thank you for the tip on eye bags.  I appreciate your support and understanding of where I am.
.........

Today my self care was being open to trying new things and not getting too caught up in my to-do list.  My husband and I went to a donut shop and farmer's market this morning in a neighborhood we like and it was enjoyable. 

As I check in with myself about my current job, I am seeing how I lucked into finding something I could do for work.  My heart was never really in it and I've never liked it.  I like working with students but my actual job is a nightmare and has been from the start.  It has been reliving my trauma over and over and over. 

I think I followed this path in order to get where I am and learn what I've learned.  I know that many people don't like their jobs and that work is flawed.  But this particular version of work is no longer working for me.  It is no longer worth it to me. 

I'm not sure what is next but I hope it will be from a place of intention.   

[rainydiary]

Today I cared for myself by resting and noticing how tight my hips are.  I tried to do some yoga for that.

I am pretty unsettled going into the work week and hope this evening can be relaxing.

[sanmagic7]

sending all goodness and worth for the upcoming work week, rainy.  hope it goes by quickly with as little drama as possible.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thanks San, I had a jolt today at work.  I appreciate your support.
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Reflecting on care I give myself each day is feeling difficult.

Today I did yoga before work and connected with a trusted colleague.

Today I received notification that I need to evaluate that student whose meeting led to me being investigated.  The evaluation is as part of a team but means that we will have a meeting where the people that created confusion and pain to me will all be gathered.

I am feeling very stuck.  I'm not sure how to move forward in a way that feels good.

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs if you want them, rainy.  I'm glad the yoga worked out well for you.  Here's hoping that meeting will be as pain-free as possible for you as well.