Rainy Journal 2022

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I hope that you are able to get some respite over the weekend.  You have had so many challenges to deal with recently, and more long-term too, but the situation you talked about with the investigative police sounds really horrible, and I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with that.

I hope you get some support and chance to re-centre and that your day goes ok today.   

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Armee & Hope, thank you for the outside perspective and validation that this was bananas.
.........
I actually slept rather soundly last night which I am grateful for.

I'm still upset.

What upsets me the most is actually not being asked to speak to the police - I can see they were just doing their job.

I am most upset by the principal.  She is the reason things got to this point.  She does not behave in a rational way and that feels dangerous to me.

I know I have done nothing wrong and yet how am I supposed to function if I do my work as expected and someone in power and "leadership" chooses to use the system against me?

I left a message with the union I joined.  I haven't heard back.  I don't have confidence that they will help but I want to try to stand up for myself.

I am upset and I am also ok.  I wish I didn't have to be the "big one" and continue to show up to a place where I will continue to be disrespected in such a violent manner.  I am strong and I am tired of this garbage.

[sanmagic7]

good move, rainy, going to your union rep.  even if nothing gets done, you know you took that step, and it counts in the self-care column.  i sure wish such office manipulations and politics would just disappear.  who needs them?  love and hugs, my dear

[paul72]

hi rainydiary...
Oh that sounds like such a difficult situation you were thrown into. I'm sorry you are in a spot of being blamed, of not being heard or respected.
I am glad you are doing ok though, slept well and recognize that none of this is your fault, that's pretty big, so congrats!!
I hope you have some peace and joy this easter weekend .. now that is what you deserve  

[rainydiary]

San, thank you and yes - no one needs this garbage.
.....
Phil, I appreciate your support.  I yo-yo between ok and feeling not ok.  It will be one step at a time.
........
I am still deep in my EF about this.

It's weird because this EF feels different than other ones.  I know I am echoing back to the past.  I think what's different is I am fully in the past and not fully now. 

My thoughts get wild - I am afraid of this making me look bad professionally.  It's hard to not expect more problems because I didn't see this coming.

I also spoke words I wish I hadn't to a colleague that was being really kind.  I said really inappropriate things to her - my words couldn't capture my thoughts and I feel like I was offensive.  I will probably apologize to her on Monday. 

I hope I will be able to let myself relax a bit the rest of this weekend. 

[rainydiary]

Thinking of those today that a holiday weekend is difficult for. 

I am feeling deeply exhausted today.

I told my mom about what happened at work and she freaked out. 

It made it worse for me.  Things like what happened at work on Friday are brutal for someone with CPTSD - that's the kind of thing my brain is always afraid will happen. 

I'm trying to find a way to move forward instead of leaving myself at the mercy of how I feel.

I am reflecting on how much I still don't like myself deep down.  Things like this press against this and the horrible inner critic lays into me.

I have 58 days (including weekends and days off) until this school year is over.  I think I will try to focus each of those 58 days on a way to show myself love. 

I sort of started today.  I listened to music that I haven't listened to in a long time.  I listened to the Pure Country soundtrack.  Pure Country is a movie that came out in 1992 and I remember watching it a lot growing up and in college.   

I don't want to spoil the plot too much, but there is a scene in the movie where the main character gets so fed up with their life they tell their friend they are going for a walk and they leave.  They go to a place and take care of themself and find their way forward.

That scene has always deeply resonated with me, even when I was a child.  One day I hope to explore more of why it has always spoken to me.  For today, it felt caring to listen to music that brought me comfort and memories. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy,

i lovelovelove your idea of 58 days of doing a self-care thing for you.  you so deserve it.  it's given me the idea of being more mindful of self-care for me, make sure i do something caring every day, even if it's little.  thanks for sharing that.  hopefully, it will also help you get thru till the end of the school year.  love and hugs

[Armee]

I'm sorry that telling your mom did not help or provide validation or care. You deserve to have someone provide care but I love that you are stepping up to give that to yourself.

[rainydiary]

Thanks San, I am realizing it is going to be challenging to show myself care especially today.  I think I did show myself care and my body and brain are reacting to it.  I'll share more below.
......
Thank you Armee - I was about to say I'm not sure what possessed me to share with my mother...and yet that is what I am supposed to be able to do.  As I learn more about my parents I know their reaction comes from a place of anxiety.  But it sucks to have to feel like I need to manage their feelings in addition to my own.
..........

I feel so humiliated.

Today my self care was telling my supervisor that I do not feel safe at work.  She was actually responsive to me and said that she takes comments like seriously.  I didn't want to tell her that because I told my bosses in my last job I didn't feel safe and they didn't do anything except make it worse.

My supervisor called the principal at the school to get understanding of what happened.  It was a huge misunderstanding but no one at the school initiated the call for CPS - it was an advocate that didn't have all of the information. 

I still feel humiliated that someone felt worried enough to suggest I would have been doing something inappropriate.  I guess that during our meeting they were referencing something happening on Fridays and I was supposed to infer that they meant my work.  I don't remember them saying anything about Fridays but maybe I wasn't listening closely. 

My supervisor did say that the investigators didn't feel the investigation was warranted.  She also tried to get me to show some grace to the principal. 

Yet, why did the principal not approach me and share this information?  Why did she not make me feel like she had my back?  She still does stuff that is problematic and leaves me feeling unsafe.

But since the complaint didn't initiate from her, I feel somewhat better.  I still don't want to be at that school anymore but can make it to June.

My body and brain are really overreacting to me speaking up for myself.  I feel ashamed because I learned information that makes me realize how easy it is to be misunderstood and how I may not come across the way I hope.  And yet, we are all grown ups and should be able to find a way to communicate with each other.  I don't think we should tell children to "use their words" (which no one should say anyways) and communicate with each other when we don't even do that. 

[rainydiary]

Today my self care was completing my training run, trying to connect with others at work, doing laundry, and caring for my cat.

It is such a difficult thing that I do many things to care for myself yet also still deeply dislike myself too. 

Work is still unsettling.  Right I need the paycheck so will stick it out.

I'm not sure why my cat has changed or that I perceive a change.  I think her claw was bothering her, she is getting older, and I think moving was tough.  Her labs came back with nothing major to report which is good.

My husband continues to both surprise me and annoy me.  The annoying parts continue to be related to housework as well as how he is managing burnout at his job. 

At first I felt really critical of his handling of needing a break from his job.  I think he should just quit.  When he acts and says petty things about how this'll show the boss he doesn't like, it just feels like echoes of his family which I hate.  This should be about him and not about his boss or some weird "getting even" scheme.

When I thought on it more, I realized he is using benefits - taking a leave of absence, etc.  I realized that our country (the US) really isn't great at supporting anyone so taking advantage of things employers offer is our often our main option in the US.  These options still aren't great as I'm sure he won't get paid.  He also is trying to do what is best for us collectively as a couple.

He surprised me recently by telling me he stopped managing this server for his parents where they were storing photos and things electronically. 

He has always done a lot of things with technology for his family - he used to for me as well.   It wasn't because I asked, I think that is just what his family expected so maybe he thought I would expect it too. Over time he has established boundaries with me about that and now he seems to be extending to his parents somewhat.  I am glad for him and also trying to not read too much into it. 

[paul72]

hi rainydiary
Congratulations on speaking with your supervisor.
I can imagine how difficult it would have been to do that
I sure wish the need of a paycheck didn't cause you (or us!) to be in spots that aren't always great for our healing.
I think it's pretty impressive how you notice these things though and look at ways of self care to address them.
I hope you have a wonderful day today 

[rainydiary]

Thank you, Phil.  I appreciate your support.  I am feeling bad about myself that I am staying because it feels like I am saying it is ok by doing so.  I'll do my best today.
.........
I am at work and am having a physical reaction to being here.

I feel like crying.  My stomach hurts.  My eye hurts.  I don't want to speak to anyone.

Today my self care will be going to a drawing class I signed up for.  I have anxiety about that experience.  I hope it will be fun.

[Hope67]

Dear Rainy,
I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing those physical feelings - eye hurting etc.  I wish there was some way to give you some relief from that discomfort. 

I really hope that your drawing class turns out to be an enjoyable experience.  I am sending you a hug of support too 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

oh, rainy, i'm so sorry about how humiliating your experience felt.  i've noticed, too, how many adults do not know how to communicate well, how little information and clarity is sought thru questions, and how insensitive they can be with their words.  and i'm sad for you that you're experiencing all these somatic symptoms at work, too.  totally sucks.  i hope you can get back on track soon, and just make it thru the day.

by the by, congrats on your self-awareness about your self-care agenda.  honestly, reading your posts made me realize i totally forgot i was going to do the same thing!  hopefully, i can take this as a reminder and get back with it, cuz i really do think it's a lovely idea.  love and hugs, my dear

[CactusFlower]

Hi Rainy, hope you're feeling. I also hope the drawing class was a positive for you. Gentle hugs if you want them.