Rainy Journal 2022

[CactusFlower]

  I resonate with a lot of what you said.  My bro had to replace a windshield several months ago, and it took a week due to those supply chain issues. Your massage therapist sounds very kind and attentive.  Wishing you peace and energy to deal with these things and more.

[rainydiary]

Thanks Cactus - I've been waiting almost a month for an appointment and I figured that would have been enough time for the windshield.  I was wrong.  My dilemma now is if I wait to see if they will actually call me like they said they will or if I be more proactive.  I'm not sure I have the energy right now to be proactive.  My insurance company insists on service being with these folks so I feel a bit stuck.
.......

I am worn down today.

Going back to work was so unpleasant.  I feel so foolish for taking this job.  It the same stuff I've been dealing with for a decade.  I will say I have come a long way and I don't get as upset as I would have before.  But I am reaching the point where I feel strong enough to leave these types of jobs behind.

I realized that one of my cat's claws is really overgrown.  It's been that way for a while.  I feel so terrible as I think it is really bugging her and hasn't "unsheathed" like I thought it would.  I ordered some clippers that should be here tomorrow.  I also feel terrible because I don't have the spoons to go to a store today and just buy some clippers.  I am wondering if this is at least some of why her jumping has changed.  I feel so bad now.

I am trying to get to sleep early.  I hope I can as now I feel bad about my cat and about myself.

[rainydiary]

Last night I did end up driving to a pet store to see if I could find some clippers.  I couldn't find anything suitable and came home.  I don't want to do anything that would make it worse.  I felt a bit better for trying.

Something I am noticing is that I am reacting emotionally more like my child self.  I hope to take care - this is a tough spot to be in.

I wish I didn't feel so overwhelmed. 

[Armee]

It's really loving of you to care so much about your cat and to notice her well being. She is lucky to have you, Rainy. 

I can only imagine how disappointing it is to find same dynamics at this Job and to come to the realization that you'll likely need to leave this type of job.

I don't see you as foolish, though, Rainy. You believe in the work you are doing and it's important. I see you as caring and committed to these kids who need people like you. I see that as why you keep trying to find a place that is not so toxic for you that allows you to continue to serve these kids. Of course you shouldn't have to suffer to do that, and that you are suffering in these work places isn't your fault.

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate your words and reflections.  Thank you 
........
I am sitting at work and am feeling drained.  I woke up very early and did a run before work.  I hate how my anxiety drives me awake.  The worry of missing my alarm and not having time to do what is important to me wakes me.

I have a headache and don't have any ibuprofen that I take to help.  At least no one is bothering me and my afternoon should be chill.  I plan to leave as soon as I can today.

Tuesdays are relatively chill days for work as I share the day with another speech therapist who is here at this school full time.  She is also very controlling and has things running smoothly and I just show up and do my best. 

She is generally helpful to me but I am feeling stung by her too.  I shared my concerns this morning about the additional duties I've been given.  She felt the need to point out and "remind" of why this change has happened.   

The reason I've been given additional duties is not for a happy reason - a colleague's husband went into a coma after a procedure and (I found out today) died last week. 

I am very sorry for the colleague especially as she had been helpful to me a few weeks ago.  I understand why she needs to not be at work.  Her experience does not change mine though. 

I am upset that we work in such a system that requires people already stretched thin to stretch thinner without additional compensation or support.  I am upset that this district does not have enough staff and cannot seem to retain people (and I can see why).

My circumstance also isn't the same as others - I literally just moved here and my job has changed too much too fast.  I am also unable to reconcile how people say they want one thing (for me to contribute to the education of students) but actually want something else (for me to do my paperwork and administrative tasks that "prove" I've done my work). 

This person I spoke to this morning then felt the need to say a bunch of other stuff about work to me that I didn't ask for (like sometimes we're just working for a paycheck).  I think she feels like she needs to give people advice and I didn't communicate that I don't need advice.  There is nothing she or anyone else can do that will change how I feel.  And now I just feel gaslit and unheard by her. 

I do feel like I've been taken advantage of as a new person in a job.  And I am upset because at this point it is getting by and I wish it wasn't as I have greater vision.  I also had some unsuccessful student interactions this morning which were witnessed by this colleague as she and I share a space.  I feel rotten when that happens.

Even though I have a lot of feelings and I am not feeling my best physically, I am hopeful and aware I am finding my way.  I am trying to ease up some of the pressure I am putting on myself but that isn't an easy job.

[sanmagic7]

sending a caring hug and love, rainy 

[rainydiary]

This is appreciated San. 
.........

Today I again woke up incredibly early.  I slept soundly from the time I fell asleep until I woke up.  I then start a horrible narration of how badly I slept which isn't even necessarily true. 

I feel so badly that my cat is probably in pain.  I just need to wait until Friday.  I keep wanting to do something but I am limited.  It would be best for her to wait until someone trained can help. 

I recently heard the term "hauntology" on a podcast and have intrigued since.  I feel haunted by many things and this has given me an interesting way to think about myself and my experience.

I stopped reading the Codependent No More book.  It did not resonate with me and didn't feel good so I stopped.  The "tough love" tone in the book made me feel sick.  I think I thought codependent means something different or closer to my experience which I'm not sure I believe anymore. 

I did a yoga practice this morning which stirred up a lot of emotion.  I would rather not go to work, but I will because it feels harder to not go. 

[sanmagic7]

kudos to you, rainy, for putting something down that wasn't working for you.  i think it's a marker for you that you're listening to yourself more and more, weeding out 'shoulds', and doing what's best for you.  nice progress! 

i looked up hauntology.  interesting.  a future never realized.  i can see that pertaining to us suffering from c-ptsd.  a fascinating perspective.  thanks for mentioning this.  i know it's going to spin around in my head for a bit, but not in a bad way.  just another way to think about the impact of what we've gone thru.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you San - I've gotten better at stopping books that aren't right (no matter what the topic).  This one especially was good for me to stops. It was weird as many of the words felt true to me but the context and mode of expression did not.  Which is just fine.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about hauntology since I heard about it.  I am not sure what to make of it but it has been an interesting framework.
.........

Today was tough.  It occurred to me that I am in survival mode.  It upsets me how quickly I got to that place in this new job. 

Today was too hectic  Too many random emails about more things I am expected to somehow do.  This work I do is not predictable other than being able to predict that it will be a rough ride in ways I can't predict.

Earlier this week my mind went back to the job I had before this.  I am not having as many specific flashbacks but am left with a deep sense of hurt, pain, sadness.  I'm not sure how to process it.  I reached out to someone from my old job today and am not sure she'll respond to me.  I understand if she doesn't and I'm not sure it will helpful if she does.  I wish I didn't feel so much about what happened but I do.

Today a student hugged me.  The student is one in a specialized class for students with emotional disabilities.  I do my best to be understanding of these students as I know what it feels like.  It also bends my mind as many children develop mental illness because of things at home - that never really seems to be mentioned or addressed. 

The hug made me uncomfortable.  I want this student to feel connected and safe and I understand their need for physical connection....and I also think they need to learn about boundaries and consent.  In the future I plan to tell this student I prefer to be asked for a hug.

I was surprised that it bothered me as this is not the first student to hug me.  Yet this student is in third grade (I think around 8 or 9 years old) and often students that have given me hugs are younger (like 3, 4, 5, 6 years old).  I have seen other adults give this student hugs and I think their teacher tends to use touch a lot. 

I have changed a lot since the last time working in an elementary school.  I have learned a lot about body autonomy and I really feel strongly that I shouldn't touch anyone else unless they give me permission.  I also don't want to be touched.

I don't think adults in a school hugging a student sends a good message.  I in no way think the people offering those hugs are doing so from a place of malice...but it isn't appropriate.  There are ways to make someone feel safe without touching them.  I don't think people understand how little things like this teach kids they don't have control over their bodies and how we are teaching them to accept things people in authority do to them.

I hope to sleep soon.   

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i really like your approach to asking if a hug is ok.  i think it's a good way to set boundaries and be aware of personal space.  there are different kinds of touch, too, and i find it interesting that, even tho you've hugged other kids, this kid's hug didn't feel ok to you.  maybe some kind of weird vibe there?  when i worked w/ adol. girls, sometimes a hug was needed, sometimes a touch on the shoulder did the trick.  it wasn't all the time nor with everyone.  sounds like you have your work cut out for you there, besides all the extra work being foisted on you.  best to you with it all.  love and a virtual hug

[rainydiary]

San, that particular hug did feel uncomfortable.  As I reflect, I'm not sure it was the student.  I think it was partially that this student's teacher has been a pain to me about how quickly this student can fly off the handle that maybe I was a little afraid they would become upset or perhaps part of me misinterpreted their movement toward a hug and I initially felt in danger. I think I am also in a defensive place right now and physical contact doesn't feel great.  I continue to be surprised by myself.
..........
Today slowed down some although I did have some weird interactions.  By Thursday I often just run out of steam.

I have been considering if it would be worth exploring an evaluation for autism.  Many of my needs are trauma related.  Yet I think many of my sensory and social experiences aren't fully explained by CPTSD.

I did some research and came across a presentation today led by a university in my area about this topic.  I watched an intro presentation and there will be another longer presentation next week that I'm not sure I'll attend as it is the same night my drawing class starts and I don't want to overdo it.

My hesitancy in pursuing this is that I am not sure I would be able to trust an evaluator given my experience with my work.  I am not sure I could find someone unbiased in a way that would make me feel supported and heard.  I'm not sure there are enough providers out there that even evaluate adults in addition to understanding women and autism.   I also think I would have to drive several hours to participate and I'm not sure if my insurance would cover the cost.

I think I am seeking a community and feeling of belonging.  I've felt that at times and yet I struggle to be part of communities long term.  I think I want to understand myself better.  I'm not sure I need someone else for that, but this has been in my mind.

I wish I could rest tomorrow.  But it will be difficult.  Work conversations I don't want to have.  An extra trip to do a silly work task I could care less about but will give me an excuse to leave my school early.  Then I will need to take my cat to the vet.  Usually I grocery shop on Fridays so will need to find time this weekend to do that.

[rainydiary]

Wow, had an experience this morning I know I will not get over quickly but need to try to get some of the thoughts out of my head. 

Earlier this week I was in a meeting for a student that I was told the the topic would be exploring a parent's concerns.

I participated in the meeting the best I could operating from the understanding I have. 

During the meeting it came out that the parent thought her child had been pulled for testing yet no one knew who pulled the student. 

There was some type of parent advocate on the call and she freaked out at this information.

Through the weird functioning of this building, I heard murmurs of things and the student's teacher reached out to me.  I came to the conclusion that this was all a huge misunderstanding.  Yet I had a feeling this was going to come back to me.

This morning I was in the meeting with my boss.  The meeting was virtual.  Suddenly the school principal barges into my office.  I said, "I am in a meeting."  And she rudely replies, "Well you need to excuse yourself because investigators are here because you didn't share everything on Wednesday at the meeting."

In my brain I am thinking, *.  I gather my things and walk with her.  I really don't think she needed to escort me but she felt the need to.

She leaves me in an office with these three military police.  They ask me a series of questions.  I think they knew that this situation was miscommunication and misunderstanding but they had to do their job (I think they were essentially serving as Child Protective Services). 

I think I handled the questions well and I did my best. 

Right after I called my boss and we talked.  I honestly would like to not be at this school anymore at all - the way I was treated today was not ok.  The principal and the teachers in this school threw me under the bus to cover their own butts. 

I will finish the school year here because it isn't an option to be taken out.  My boss has agreed to give me a different assignment next year.  I am pretty sure after that I will be quitting. 

I am trying to remind myself that I haven't done anything wrong.  I am upset at the system here and the way I was treated today by my colleagues. 

[sanmagic7]

rainy, from everything you've written about your job, how you deal with the kids, your sense of fairness to all, and your dedication to seeing everyone (child and adult) gets the best of you, i don't see how there could be any fault here on your part.  you're scrupulous about rules and mental/physical safety for everyone.  i don't blame you for wanting to quit.  it's sounded like you've had nothing but problems since you began.

sending love and a gentle hug filled with warmth and caring to you.

[rainydiary]

San, thank you for your support. 
........
I am baffled by today.

I honestly don't understand what it is about me that I continue to find myself in these odd situations.  It feels like something about me drives people to use me. 

The part I can't deal with is the accusation that I wasn't sharing information.  This makes no sense of how it got to that point.

I wonder if the bad feeling I had several days ago was sensing this.

I think this experience took me back to my childhood.  My parents often accused me of things I hadn't or wouldn't do.  I often felt overpowered.  That is how I felt today.

I took my cat to the vet and it went relatively well.  They said her body is overall healthy and they helped me fix her claw.  They also took blood and urine for labs.  I hope that won't yield anything.  They were really nice and professional and I felt heard and I felt safe having my cat with them. 

I hope I can sleep well tonight as I haven't slept well this week. 

[Armee]

Wow Rainy. I'm so sorry. That wasn't an OK way to be treated at all. This place sounds like a nightmare. Take good care of yourself this weekend. Lots of rest and gentleness are in order. I'm glad you know this wasn't your fault and you did nothing wrong.