Rainy Journal 2022

[milkandhoney11]

I am so, so sorry about this, Rainy. Your words suggest to me that you really care about this student (and all of the students in your care, really!) and that you would do anything in your power to make amends for this situation.
It sounds to me as this is not any one person's fault or mistake and that a great many people share responsibility in this case, but I hope that the student and their parents will eventually be able to see how much you really care and that you honestly try to do what is best for the student.
What is more, I hope that you will be able to realise the same thing: that you've always given your very best to support your students and that you do not need to feel lousy about yourself because you only had the very best intentions and mistakes happen sometimes.

Take care, Rainy. I am always here if you want to talk more about this and just discuss your worries in more detail. I understand how difficult it is to navigate all these things when you're working in education and I hope you'll find a way to move forward

[rainydiary]

Milkandhoney, I appreciate your words and the reflection that this is bigger than me.  I agree.  I am definitely reacting from a place of being blamed in the past for similar things.  I care very much about the students I work with.  Each day in my work I find blind spots and learn something new.  We all need each other and I wish people at work would work with me and not against me. Thank you for your support.
.........
Well I made it.  I am exhausted and don't feel my best but I made it through the day.

I didn't hear anything from that family.  I spoke a colleague and we figured out we need to do more to support this student.  So I sent a follow up email and included more people.

I feel vulnerable for the second email I sent.  I tried to be clear and factual and lay out the next steps.  That is all I can do at this point.  It feels like it might all blow up in my face.

I did have a positive interaction with a teacher today.  She reached out to me with questions.  She seems like a person I could collaborate with.  It will give me the chance to explore and practice different skills.

I hope to sleep better tonight.  I am feeling so drained by the past several weeks and months.  I feel like I need to cry but tears haven't really come.  I'm not sure what needs to come out. 

Something I keep meaning to write about but keep forgetting: over the past weekend I had a haircut.  I like how the stylist cuts my hair.  She is a generally nice person and I don't mind her salon (it's a home based business).  I told her how my husband was away at his family's for the week and she asked, "Are they offended you didn't go?"  Really didn't appreciate that question.

Yeah, I'm sure they were offended but that doesn't mean I have to play all their games for the sake of "family" when nothing about visiting them is good for me.  I do what I can to participate within reason of what I can handle.  I often feel guilty about this because people don't approve.  But I can't let them destroy me. 

I have felt a lot of stress about my relationship with my own family.  It is so weird these days and disconnected.  It felt wrong when we were all together and it feels wrong now that we are all spread out essentially estranged.  I don't know how to handle it all.  My parents show themselves capable of traveling to see my brothers because they have children.  They don't visit me because I don't.  It often occurs to me that my parents don't particularly like me.  I don't particularly like them either.  So why is this so complicated?

[milkandhoney11]

I'm so sorry, Rainy. It seems like you have a lot going on, not only at work but also in your personal life.
I think it is good that you are setting some boundaries and honouring your own feelings. If visiting your husband's family is hurtful for you then you have every right to stay away from them and take care of yourself.
I know how easy it is to blame yourself for setting boundaries and going low contact with certain people in your life. I am currently experiencing the same thing as I am trying to minimise the contact with my own parents. I don't really want to lose them because they are the only two people in my family who take even the slightest interest in me, but I have realised that the contact with them is stopping me from healing, so I am trying to be mindful of my own feelings.
Even if setting boundaries might offend some people in your life, I believe that you have every right to limit contact with them and only participate to the extent that you can handle. There's no need to feel guilty about this, although (of course) this is easier said than done. A lot of us have been raised to take on the blame for everything that happens, but if we could look at the situation more objectively I think it would be clear that things are not actually our fault and that we do not deserve to feel all this shame and guilt.

Take care of yourself, Rainy. I'm thinking of you and hope things will get better soon

[Larry]

I hope you got some sleep last night.....

[Blueberry]

I resonate with these difficulties at work rainy. Gentle if helpful.

[Armee]

I find it difficult too to navigate what others expect family relationships to be. It adds complication to an already complicated situation. Happy weekend. I hope you have some time to recharge with what feels good.

[rainydiary]

Milkandhoney, I appreciate your reflection and support.  Thank you for the encouragement.
.....
Thank you Larry, I slept a lot better last night.
.....
Blueberry, I appreciate the care.  I want to walk away from it all.  It is a lot.  I feel good to know others can relate. 
.....
Armee, I appreciate you sharing that.  I don't why know someone reflecting my experience back to me through their filter can make me question myself so much.  Thank you for the wish - I hope the weekend recharges.
.........
Today was okay.  I feel hyped up and unsettled though.  I had a lot of uncomfortable interactions.

I had a disappointing conversation with a colleague that I've really enjoyed building a relationship with.  She got really short with me and then offered to help me (when I have way more experience working in schools than she does and our roles are so very different).  I now feel like I need to hold back in interactions with her.  It occurs to me that I might have triggered her today given what I know of her history.  But it just feels terrible.

I had a lot of weird random interactions with staff today where they say something like "oh I get you and so and so confused."  It also annoys me that if people don't know who I am and they wait to tell me things until they randomly bump into me in the hallway what they would do if they didn't see me.  It's just a weird dynamic. 

Then I overheard two of the folks involved in the big family drama talking.  One person seems to think she has a lot more control over things than she does.  And the student's teacher is driving me nuts.  She feels the need to talk to everyone about everything.  They didn't call me into the conversation so I just kept walking.  But it made me feel weird.

I had a medical appointment after work so the doctor could do a Pap smear.  I find gynecological care so invasive and uncomfortable.  My doctor is very trauma informed and asks if I would be more comfortable with another person in the room and explains what she is doing.  But the sensation is just yuck.  And her trying to have small talk with me while she is doing the procedure is just too much.

I hope I can rest this weekend.  I leave my job every day like I haven't done enough.  I am noticing my body feels like I might be switching back into a hypervigilant mode which I hope I can find ways to manage. 

[rainydiary]

I am much earlier than I care to be as my cat pestered me this morning.

I am in a tough place right now.  My nervous system is overwhelmed.  No matter how much self care I participate in, all the stuff with work, my commute to work, and where I currently live limit my ability to relax.

I think I am also still feeling the impact of moving.  The weather and daylight changes are also taking a toll. 

I know I will find my way as I have before but right now I am toast.

[milkandhoney11]

Hi Rainy,
I am thinking of you and sending hugs if you want them 
Sometimes it's hard to cope when so many negative things happen at once... I know how overwhelming that can feel but you're strong and I'm sure you'll find a way eventually
Just take care of yourself and try to get some rest

[rainydiary]

I appreciate your support Milkandhoney.
........
Today when I was running I made the connection that I am still not ok after that happened in my last job before moving.  It was really the day where my "colleagues" blindsided me with an unwelcome and inappropriate and undeserved conversation.  I have not been ok since that happened.

Acknowledging this today felt important.  It doesn't change or make easier any of the stuff going on right now.  In fact I am terrified the past will repeat itself.  I think I am still blaming myself for what happened. 

This makes me so sad and so tired.  I did have times of my brain taking a rest today.  But generally I feel a ton of emotion and thought stirring and churning and simmering and cooking up who knows what.

[sanmagic7]

that was quite the large realization you had, rainy.  no wonder your feelings and emotions are all over the place - and yeah, that's exhausting.  i'm glad you came to it, tho.  i think you'll be able to grieve it now, which is always a messy part of this process.  please, be gentle w/ yourself while you go thru all this, ok?  sending love and hugs

[milkandhoney11]

I'm really sorry to hear that, Rainy.
I know what it's like to feel unwelcomed and blindsided at work and I am sorry for everything you are going through. Being treated like this by your colleagues can really affect you and make you doubt yourself and everything you do, but I also know that you never deserved to be treated like this.
It pains me how quickly others judge people like us and start criticising all our actions without ever considering what might be going on in our lives. Yet, I know (and I think you know, too) that you are a great person who is always giving their best and really cares about the students, so I really hope that things will get better and that you will get to recover from all the things that happened in this and your previous job.
I'm thinking of you and wish you strength

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, rainy. It really is awful when something affects us after the fact and is hard to name. Hopefully now that you've realized what bothered you, it might shine a light on what to work through.  We're here for you as you do.

[rainydiary]

Thank you all - I'm running low on energy today and not able to respond as much as I would like.
........
Today was really long - I had three parent/team meetings each of which challenged me in different ways. 

What I am noticing is I get through the day and when I get home I crash.  I can't quite get to the bottom of what is going on but I think it is a variety of things: longer commute to work than I've had for several years, working in elementary schools, being the sole person in my job at one of my schools, a very noisy work environment that I can't make less distressing to my nervous system, a temporary home that is also noisy. 

People also continue to be so sick at work around me.  I have had continued congestion since being sick but haven't felt unwell.  I really don't want to get sick again. 

I am also frustrated at myself for the level of distress I feel.  I try to advocate but the things bothering me make very little sense to anyone at work.  And given past experiences with speaking too openly at work and having it blow up in my face, I am holding back.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i think you solved your own question.  holding back is exhausting, fighting against the system you find yourself in is exhausting, working w/ undermining colleagues is exhausting.  i'm not surprised one bit that you come home and crash.  i hope you can take care of yourself as best you are able.  love and hugs