Not Alone: 2022

[rainydiary]

Thinking of you Not Alone after this full day. 

[Armee]

 

Headaches suck. I hope it goes away and leaves you alone.

You are right, it's a trauma voice giving you that message that you can't live or don't deserve to.  you do deserve to live. You deserve to live well. You will be able to manage the costs. You have a job. You will get half the assets I hope? Half the value of your home and furnishings? Retirement savings...those are yours, too.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. ❤

[sanmagic7]

i totally don't agree w/ that old, deep message that you don't deserve life, notalone.  you definitely do deserve it, deserve to live a good life, one w/o trauma, abuse, and anything neg.  you deserve peace, love, and light in your life.  love and hugs 

[Blueberry]

  

[Snowdrop]

Oh Not Alone, I feel such compassion for the part with the old, deep message. I wonder if mentioning what you've said to T might help that part.

You are worthy, Not Alone, and I see angels wrapping you in wings of love and light.

Big hugs and much love.

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Rainy, Armee, San, Blueberry, Snowdrop. 

A realtor that I know met with me this morning. He let me know what I should expect to receive for the house. H is buying my half. He was being logical and reasonable with numbers in the current market. He offered to talk to H. He suggested if H is not willing to pay withing a that range, to sell the house and split it. That would be hard for me to do because our son still lives here, so I hope it doesn't come to that.

He also assured me that he would be able to help me find a nice place to live.

He strongly suggested that I talk to an attorney so that I know what I should expect. Even if we continue with mediation, I will know what my rights are.

When I was driving away, I felt like a sixteen year old who doesn't have a clue. He was completely respectful and kind, those feelings are from within. And the truth is that I don't have a clue. I don't know how to get a divorce. I don't know how to know the correct value of a house. I don't know how to buy a house and how the finances around that work. I don't know. I'm grateful for the people that God is bringing into my life who support me emotionally, and also those who are imparting their knowledge and wisdom to me.

Now I need to clean the house. H is away for now, which helps. It's hard to be around him. He is retired and at home so I'm angry that I need to spend my day off cleaning on top of everything else that I have to do.

[Armee]

 

Clean just what matters to you, ok?

I agree you would want to have your own lawyer. And no one really knows how to do and understand those things...it's just a matter of confidence displayed. When I sold my mom's house and had to deal with her estate and taxes...I had NO CLUE what I was doing.  I just moved from step to step certain I was doing it wrong and was going to be thrown in jail and was stupid and didn't know how to adult. But you know what? The only difference I think is our self doubt. Other people hear a bunch of lawyer talk and think "yup got it." We hear and understand the same and think "wait I'm so confused! I can't do this! I'm so stupid and lost!" But a lawyer representing you will look out for you and will point the light at the next step and the next and the next.

I'm so glad the realtor was helpful. 

Hang in there. It'll be a long ride but there's a big light at the end. Your own space.

[Blueberry]

May I be angry at your H for not doing at least half the cleaning   

When I was driving away, I felt like a sixteen year old who doesn't have a clue. He was completely respectful and kind, those feelings are from within. And the truth is that I don't have a clue. I don't know how to get a divorce. I don't know how to know the correct value of a house. I don't know how to buy a house and how the finances around that work. I don't know.

What you're writing here reminds me of the content of that thread about Shame and Intelligence https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13735.msg128228#new which you commented on too. I imagine that some part of you does know a bit more about legal and financial aspects of divorce and house-buying, even if it's the first time you're dealing with the former, but your coping skills with that kind of intellectual stuff is all spread a little thin atm because of the cptsd-related stuff you're dealing with.

As others have reminded me in past few days on here: a move is stressful! You are preparing for a move and for a big upheaval, even if in the end it will bring good back into your life.

Feeling grateful for you that there are people irl who are rallying round with empathy and information.

[Not Alone]

thank you, Armee and Blueberry.

I tried to fill out some of the paperwork for the mediator. There is so much about finances and insurance that I don't understand. I don't understand the language or what is needed or where to find it. I sent a couple of emails to work. Hope I don't look stupid. I need to take a break from this.

[sanmagic7]

hey, notalone, i think it's all right to look 'stupid' about this situation.  this is not your area of expertise, so no expectations on you to know what to do along this process.  i agree w/ blueberry - i'm very angry on your behalf that you're not getting help from your H in the cleaning dept.  plus, like armee said, clean what's important to you.  the house doesn't need to be immaculate in order to sell it.  please remember, this is not your sole responsibility.  he's part of this, he deserves to be responsible for what's happening, too.  love and a hug full of compassion and support and 'be easy on yourself'.   

[rainydiary]

Complex paperwork is so challenging especially on top of everything you are making your way through.  Hopefully taking a break and getting some questions answered (which is what I assumed emailing work was about) will give you fresh eyes. 

[Not Alone]

Just to clarify, I will be selling my half of the house to my H. He is keeping the house. That is unless he is unwilling to pay a fair price. I'm still living here and it was getting dirty to the point where I felt gross. I don't need things perfect, but a messy or dirty house affects how I feel.

I set a goal to work on the paperwork for mediation for 20 minutes today. I did meet that goal. I told myself that I wrote my resume and did all the steps necessary for the job process. I can do this financial paper work, one step at a time.

[rainydiary]

Ugh, I’m sorry to hear about the house feeling dirty/gross.  That would bother me also…and also I’m the one that tends to resolve that.  I hope you continue to find small steps.

Edited to say: I wish I hadn’t used the word small.  These steps may feel gigantic.  I would rather have said manageable steps m.

[Armee]

I told myself that I wrote my resume and did all the steps necessary for the job process. I can do this financial paper work, one step at a time.

Exactly. One step at a time. And ask questions of the professionals when you have them, as often as the come up during these one step at a time bursts of productivity. It's OK to not know the answers. If H has information he hasn't shared with you, it's OK to make him give it to you. 

[CactusFlower]

Seconding what armee said. Step by step is still progress. Gentle hugs for you!