The Next Version Of Me

[Not Alone]

Okay, so here's the thing that I learned fully from my brother and nephew's experiences during their ill-advised stay with my mother:  My mother is a psychopath.  Literally a psychopath.  Not figurative literally, and not hyperbolic literally, but a simple, cold, factual use of the word.  Psychopath.  My mother is a psychopath.  She's not just a bad parent, a crappy person, or a mere narcissist.  She's an actual true-colours dyed-in-the-wool literal no-exaggeration hardcore psychopath. 

She is EVIL.  I've never wanted to say that.  I've always wanted to give her some tiny benefit of the doubt.  I've always wanted to think that she didn't really mean to hurt us, she was just too bleeped up by her own crazy mother to understand.  But the passive-aggressive and mostly plausibly deniable disregard she showed for the basic needs of my brother and nephew while they were staying with her even after they called her out on it proves to me that the way I remember it really is the way it was.  I think I need to detail in writing the things she did which demonstrated that to me, but I can't yet.  I did manage to say it all to my therapist during my session yesterday, that was really hard and included a lot of stuttering and gulps and frequent loss of volume control, but it was good.  It helped me define a crucial understanding of the difference between a bad parent and a psychopathic one:

Not taking care of her son and grandson = Regular crappy parent stuff
Covert passive-aggressive obstruction of her son's efforts to take care of himself and his son and overtly insisting on continuing to do the things that were hurting her son and her grandson despite explicit dialogue = psychopath stuff.

I feel a little sick now, and like I might hurt myself.  I won't.  I will ride out that feeling, but I've got to hit Post now before I chicken out.

That is a difficult and big realization. Very hard to say and to admit. I bolded part of your quote. The experience with your brother and nephew add confirmation that your childhood really was horrible. (For myself, I often doubt myself, so outside confirmation is extremely beneficial.)

In a previous post you mentioned that you wished you could have remembered more from your therapy session. With my T's permission, I record my sessions. I think I get 250% more out of each session by going back and listening to  and journaling the session.

[Papa Coco]

Hey Bach,

You're in a safe forum here. I'm glad you're opening up and being very clear about your mother being a clinical psychopath. You're 100% right in that any other word, "bad mom" or "damaged person" isn't accurate. Those are just part of the long list of attributes of a psychopath/sociopath.

Any time you want to write out, in detail, the **** she did to you and others, I welcome reading it. Psychopaths/Sociopaths lose a lot of power once people stop keeping what they've done secret. Blast the airwaves. If she did it, then you can talk about it.  I was held captive by my sociopathic elder sister for decades because I kept taking the high road and making excuses for her evil behaviors. Sociopaths stay in power until their victims start talking openly about what they've done.  One of my very favorite books is The Sociopath Next Door by Dr. Martha Stout. She says 4% of all humans are born sociopaths. But 15 to 30% of all leaders are sociopaths and up to 50% of all prisoners are sociopaths. She asks the question, why do the 96% of us good people allow 4% evil people to rule us?  Her answer is because we take the high road. We don't believe that they are as purely evil as they truly are, so we politely soften what they are with kinder words. We, the good people, were taught to treat others as we want to be treated ourselves. But it turns out that rule only applies to how we should treat good people. We think psychos have consciences, but we need to fully understand that they do NOT feel bad for ANYTHING they've ever done. And they have NO intention on EVER stopping their abuse on the people around them.  She also teaches that sociopaths get worse with age, not better.

For the 96% of us, our war cry is "Oh, why would she say or do that?" But that war cry SHOULD be "Don't listen to her! She's lying!" We make excuses for them. We don't air their dirty laundry. And they know it. They KNOW we won't expose them, so they just...keep...doing...bad things to good people. Once we call a psychopath a psychopath, they lose a LOT of their power over us.

Confronting them yields nothing. They don't care if you confront them. I don't recommend it. The general rule is to get away from them. Never engage in conversation with them. Words are their playground. Just walk away if you can. If you don't like alligators, don't swim in their pond. If you don't like psychos, turn and walk away. But by telling us what she's been doing, you are exposing her to us. And that's a good way to get it off your chest. You're right to tell the truth. Be as open as you want to be here. I'm all ears and I love hearing the stories that expose them for what they really are. Monsters. MONSTERS.

(Sorry> Obviously I have a lot of anger built up around sociopaths, psychopaths and NPDs).

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs if you want them, Bach. That is a lot to work through and realize. I'm sorry you and they had to experience that from her. We're here for you and thank you for sharing this with us.   

[Armee]

Oh dear, Bach. That is so very much, between Other not responding for 1.5 months, to directly and indirectly being exposed to your M's toxicity, to coming to the hard to swallow acceptance that your mom is a true psychopath. Your mom is a psychopath. Your mom IS a psychopath. You endured. The fact that you have for so long tried to find excuses to soften that reality and to stay in contact with her shows what a loving person you are. The opposite of her. You're doing good, Bach. And when you are ready to write it all out, we'll be here with empathy.

[Bach]

Safe hugs and deep gratitude for all the replies. I'm glad that my writing about it is helpful to others. That helps the struggle to put it into words be a tiny bit less shattering.

Still, though, I'm afraid. I'm filled with formless terror. Every little thing is a tiny panic attack, barely visible and mostly controlled but filling the back of my mind with catastrophic scenarios. My Person feels a little bit unwell and some part of my mind immediately starts trying to figure out what will happen to me if I wake up in the morning and he's dead. I'm afraid to go to sleep. Not because there's any even slight reason to think he's about to keel over and die but just because that's how my mind works. That's how it has always worked. I'm so much better now than I used to be at guiding myself gently away from disaster thinking, so much better at being able to perceive what the objective situation is vs what is the paralysing bafflement and confusion of a little girl who was never able to feel safe, but right now I am weak. So, so weak. I need to do some breathing, some tapping, some something. It is terrifying even to do that. Need to tell myself that I can do it, need to remember that although there will be resistance initially, I don't have to fight it, if I just leave it be and keep going, relaxation will creep in if I let it, and I will feel so much better when I feel better.

[Papa Coco]

Hi Bach,

I'm having a lot of feelings over what you're going through. Especially the formless terror. I can so relate. Sociopaths have a goal: To make you feel isolated, afraid, and weak. It's in their DNA to do that to us. This might sound too simple, but I found a ton of healing from reading these two books. In Sheep's Clothing by Dr. George Simon and The Sociopath Next Door by Dr. Martha Stout.

These two easy reads really REALLY helped me get through the shock when I discovered how seriously I needed to make sense of my sociopathic family--and of myself as their victim. In Sheep's Clothing is thin. A fast read. It was written a long time ago, when this particular doctor called them Disordered Characters rather than sociopaths, but his words, in this short, simple book, gave me so much relief that I bought a dozen copies and started giving them to my friends as gifts. Next, I read The Sociopath Next Door, a more modern book that sealed it for me. It's also an easy read and gave me a ton of healing deep within my own soul.

I can't express enough, how these two simple books not only explained why these people are what they are, but really helped me to see how I can find joy in life again without these monsters driving me into an internal war with myself.

When I finally walked away from my family, in 2010, it took almost a year for me to get their judgmental, lying, hateful sociopath voices out of my head. But during that year, every day was better than the day before it, until Voila! One day they were just no longer in my head. I lost my shame and confusion around having walked away from them. I finally started saying, "My family got so ugly that even I couldn't love them anymore."

Meanwhile, I hope you keep sharing your thoughts here. We're stronger when we feel connected to others who are on our side. I see by the comments from other members, that you've found many empathetic ears here that welcome what you have to say.  We're pulling for you!

[Blueberry]

I hear you Bach. Safe hugs.

[Bach]

My Person left for a 10-day business trip yesterday.  I'm not used to this.  He hasn't been away for this long in many years, and this is the first time I've been alone in the new house for longer than half a day.  I was hoping that I would cope with this better than I am so far.  I don't want to spend the next week-plus doing drugs and overeating and lying on the couch feeling hopeless.  I had thoughts and plans about what I was going to do to keep busy and keep my spirits up but so far, nope.

[sanmagic7]

we've got a safety net under you, bach - we won't let you fall.     you've been going thru so much lately, realizations, understandings, and just surviving it all.  it's an awful lot.  we're here for you, tho, and if it helps, picture us there with you so you won't feel so all alone.  when i had to leave mexico and was in the car in line to cross the border, my fear and anxiety was overwhelming until i did picture several people here on the forum walking along the car till i got to the border and made it thru.  it helped me a lot - i just hope it could help you while you're on your own.  sending love and a hug filled w/ comfort and care and help to ease your fears.  

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs if you want them, bach. We're here for you. I'll go for a virtual walk with you, get some fresh air.

[Bach]

Other has resurfaced. I haven't spoken to him yet, we've just texted a little. He invited me to come spend the night with him next Wednesday when he's in town. No acknowledgement of his 8-week absence, only the vaguest update about what he's been up to, no queries as my summer, just boom, he finally answered one of my casual texts and is treating the whole thing like we last spoke last week. I'm actually kind of okay with this, because honestly, I think I probably understand what happened eight weeks ago better than he does and, as much as I've hated it, I've done okay with it within myself. I was able to understand that it wasn't about me, and to give him the space he only knows how to ask for by trying to pick a fight. I was also able to be angry at him over his mistreatment of me without it producing the kind of anxiety from which foolish actions that increase suffering are born. That's pretty big, but I wish he could understand that it's okay to tell me when he's overwhelmed and needs me to back off before he gets to the point where he has to lash out and then exile me.

I'm anxious about seeing him, vicious-circling with the relief and excitement and hope that I can't help but feel because yep, here he is, back again.

[sanmagic7]

best to you for the reunion, bach.  i hope everything goes well.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi Bach,
Wishing you the best for when you meet up with Other again.
Sending you a hug 
Hope 

[Bach]

I love you, friends  I really do.  But today I feel like I might be dying.  I know that is silly, that I am not dying and that I am feeling this way because of a combination of physical and mental factors, but I feel weak and my body is very tight, and all I can do is lie on the couch in my safe space, acknowledge the discomfort and wait for it to pass.

I would really like to cry.  A few months ago, I read an article about the physiology of crying that fascinated me.  I can't find the original article I read, but here is a quote from another article that addresses what I found so interesting:

Emotional tears are chemically different than basal and reflex tears. All tears contain enzymes, lipids, electrolytes, and metabolites. However, emotional tears appear to contain additional proteins and hormones. 

Preliminary research has shown that emotional tears may have increased levels of prolactin, potassium, manganese, leu-enkephalin, and adrenocorticotropic hormones.  The release of these hormones and elements during emotional crying helps regulate stress levels in the body and return it to a more balanced state.

Crying provides many benefits. Not only is it a signal for help during physical and emotional distress, but crying can also help relieve stress, decreasing the levels of cortisol in the body.

Ever since I read that original article, I've been thinking about how seldom I am able to cry at this point in my life, no matter how much I want to or need to.  I used to cry a lot when I was young, but then when I was in my early 20s, an incident occurred that made me notice that I cried far too easily, and in front of people that I did not know well.  It was a very small incident, not a big deal at all.  I don't even remember the context of it.  I remember that it was after a Buddhist meeting and that I was telling someone something about my father who at the time was having issues of isolation and loneliness after the breakup of his marriage to my stepmother.  I remember that at one point my voice caught and tears sprang to my eyes, and although the person I was talking to didn't say anything about it and possibly didn't even consciously notice it, I felt a change of energy from them and suddenly felt tremendously self-conscious about my tears.  I think I realised in that moment that I had a habit of putting people off by oversharing any time someone seemed interested in listening, and that I didn't want to be that way anymore.  I remember consciously getting hold of myself and promising myself that I would learn to listen more and talk less, and most of all that I would not cry in front of people if I could possibly help it.  The motivation to not cry increased during my struggles with psychopharmacology-pushing mental health professionals during my 30s and their insistence that there was no answer for me without medication no matter how bad my experiences with medications were.  35 years later, I reckon that learning to listen more and talk less has been very rewarding, but that I did entirely too good a job over the years of learning how to clamp down on my emotional tears.  Now I can seldom cry no matter how much I want to or need to. 

I've become slightly obsessed with the idea that, much like the way that the flaring of my chronic constipation has been causing such wearing, constant low-level misery in every part of my body and mind, I have a backup of stress chemicals that need to be discharged through emotional tears.  A few months ago, I was doing a lot of tapping, and although I was not able to provoke emotional tears with it, I was able to start myself yawning deeply in a way that caused my eyes to water.  For a while, I was finding a measure of relief from that, but then it started to feel more burdensome than relieving, so I haven't been tapping very much lately.  A further wrinkle to this is that I've had recent occasions on which I felt emotion rising in a way that I thought would lead to tears, but instead of tears gathering and falling, I've started yawning instead, and that makes the stuck poisoned feeling even worse.  I asked the somatic therapist I speak to once in a while what she made of that, and she suggested that even though I don't produce the tears, perhaps the moment of feeling their rise shows that my system is working on it, and the yawning is a symptom of the effort to get the emotions unstuck.  An indication of progress, in other words.  I don't know.  Maybe.  I hope so.  All I know is that currently the big-picture experience of being me is unrelentingly uncomfortable even when I'm feeling "well" enough to "function" or "be productive".  It's honestly kind of a relief to just be sick today, to just lie here with the suffering face on and not try to force myself to "feel better".  That probably explains why I went and inadvertently got myself all triggered this morning.  I guess it would be nice if I could more naturally have a down day without having to trash my nervous system to get it, yet another in the endless series of issues and issues and issues of being me.  Sigh. 

[Not Alone]

Feeling like you might be dying sounds scary. I'm glad you are in a place that feels safe. If I was physically with you, I would do what I could to help bring comfort to you.

I remember consciously getting hold of myself and promising myself that I would learn to listen more and talk less, and most of all that I would not cry in front of people if I could possibly help it. 

If my comments about this are too weird or just don't fit, please disregard. I'm wondering if there is a way for you to cancel the vow that you made to not cry in front of people. I have cancelled vows that I made about other things. Usually I wrote some things out and then read it aloud with my T. Just a thought, but it seems that what you promised yourself had a lot a power. Maybe the first question is if you want to continue to keep that promise.