still digging

[Armee]

 

You are not broken. You are human.

[sanmagic7]

armee, you have a way of seeing things and articulating them so succinctly, they can turn my head around and bring a warm smile to my heart.  thank you so.

was able to sleep today, which felt good.  my D and i have had a couple conversations about how getting this car ahead of time really rocked our worlds.  we didn't expect to even try for one till the end of next month, so it was like our timeline was pushed up 5 weeks.  we were able to discern the difference, and it calmed my D down a lot to know we don't have to rush everything but can take our time as if the car thing was on the original schedule. whew! 

we've both been comforted by the fact of this, can just enjoy having a car for now and make our plans for the markets on a more relaxed schedule, which has soothed nerves that have been standing on edge for several days.  we have tables and chairs and other whatnot that goes along with being vendors that we still have to buy, so we were able to put all that into a more comfortable place as well.  it truly is amazing how past trauma and present remains of it can color everything we see, hear, think, anticipate, etc.

also, having been saturated with stress for so long, it's hard to tell when we're too stressed and need to take a break, or when it's just a blip and something we can push thru.  for the most part, right now, we need more breaks than anything else.  so difficult, tho, to make the distinction and the change needed so as to avoid more burnout or feelings of brokenness. 

[paul72]

hi sanmagic7
congratulations on the new car!! and on being able to slow down the timeline ...
I totally can relate to not knowing whether something is push thru-able or whether it's time to breathe and sit back. I'm glad you and your D were able to do this so successfully.
I hope your day is beautiful and you find joy wherever you look

[Larry]

 ,  thank you for being here,    you are amazing !

[sanmagic7]

phil, thanks for those lovely words.  we are enjoying the car, which has been great.  as far as slowing down, i've found that to be more difficult than i anticipated.  had to make a big shift yesterday in allowing my D to take the lead on all this.  it's her ballgame - she's the pitcher, i'm the catcher.  w/ that realization brings a new attitude, so a big change yesterday all in all.

larry, thank you so for your kind and generous words.  they're so appreciated, as are you.

it's been a week since we got the car and we've been laying in supplies, corresponding w/ markets to see where we might want to go.  my D is so very good at breaking these things down into doable pieces.  i'm more of a full boar ahead gal.  (or is it full-bore?)  at any rate, yesterday was a day of adjustment to me, figuring out my place in all these doings.

she's got a great head for what we need, when do we need it, what's to be done and when, how to respond to the people who run the mkts.  i just haven't had as much experience as her.  but, it's been like i've been assigned certain jobs in this enterprise and i have a way of perceiving what needs to be done, then she comes along and tells me to change certain things.  it was a bit of a rough day.

feeling a little better about it all today.  dang, all these changes, new directions now.  i'm here to help, of course, but this is not how . . .i don't know.  i said the other day that i keep doing things cuz i want to feel useful, and she asked if i had a hard time retiring.  things spun in my head about how many people have difficulty retiring cuz their purpose for living is gone, and many get sick and die soon after. 

in my case, tho, i think it's more that i was forced to retire way too early cuz of being ill.  it felt like something i loved was taken away from me against my will.  i mean, i'd still be doing therapy if i could.  but because of my illness i lost my dr. lic. (which equated to my independence and sense of freedom) and my way to make a decent income.  i don't know - it all swirls around, feels like i was robbed at gunpoint.

i've talked about getting my lic. now that we have a car, but i think my D is a bit leery of it - she knows how stressed i get, how my anxiety goes from 1 to 100 in seconds.  somehow a part of me fears that but another part of me feels like the road was one place where i felt safe.  yep, safe is the correct term.  i was on my own, no expectations but my own, and i could forgive myself anything there - the wrong turn simply meant a little side adventure. 

big sigh.  so now i'm writing books that she'll probably never get to and i can't afford an editor, am her major support system, and have taken on proofreading and bookkeeping for her, as well as editing her books.  i'm busy, and i'm glad of that.  i just get scared of making mistakes that affect her and her work.  it takes a toll.

[sanmagic7]

been down with stress flu the past few days - all the excitement and newness of the past week, while it would usually be considered positive, was absolutely too much to take in and be ok with.  my D has also been suffering from it.  it's a shame this beast does not allow me to enjoy it when good things come into my life.  i can't be happy about it at some level when i'm feeling so crummy because of it.  a freakin' merry-go-round.  angry about it - whew, that just hit me. 

love the benefits of writing this stuff down.  didn't know i was angry, but i felt it just now.   

[Not Alone]

Congratulations on your new car. That is great, although I also see how the newness and all of the other things going on are stressful.

in my case, tho, i think it's more that i was forced to retire way too early cuz of being ill.  it felt like something i loved was taken away from me against my will.  i mean, i'd still be doing therapy if i could.  but because of my illness i lost my dr. lic. (which equated to my independence and sense of freedom) and my way to make a decent income.  i don't know - it all swirls around, feels like i was robbed at gunpoint.

I felt so sad and angry when I read this. Yes, your trauma robbed you of something that you loved. 

[sanmagic7]

notalone, thank you for not only the congratulations, but the emotions on my behalf.  they are so appreciated.  and your words were exactly what i needed to hear.  such wonderful validation.

finally feeling better today and was able to walk this morning and lift a few weights.  as i was walking up the stairs, i told my D that this is how my life is going to be from here on in - some kind of reaction to pos. or neg. circumstances, feeling crummy for a while, then picking myself back up and getting back to the routine i like.  it was a good thing, i think, to have that realization and acceptance for myself and the way my mind and body work.  i think it eased some tension w/in me.

moving forward for the moment.  my T returns fri.  there's a lot to discuss.

[Armee]

Oh San, it's not fair how much trauma took away, including work and freedom.

I trust you to know if driving is too much stress. Dmv decides if you are fit to drive. It might feel really good to get your license.

[sanmagic7]

hey, armee,

as a matter of fact, i don't know if driving will be too much stress.  in my heart, driving is a natural part of me, road trips (alone or with others) were where i felt at home, and being behind the wheel is where i live.  however, it's a big 'but' my mental/emotional status can turn on a dime for me, if i'm honest w/ myself, and one of the greatest sources of pleasure for me may, indeed, be out of my reach.  if possible, i'm gonna give it a shot, tho, as soon as some of this settles down.  thanks once again for your vote of confidence.   

crashed hard after shower and shopping today, and i feel like i've gone backward once more w/ feeling stress flu.  but it was nice to think of driving again.  if i look inside my mind, there's a real part that believes once i got behind the wheel, all good things would fall into place again, and there'd be nothing to worry about.  i don't know if that's true, tho, as much as i'd like it to be.  we can only wait and see.

in the meantime, taking tomorrow off, rafa in the morning, which is a great way to start the day, then rest and relax the rest of the time.  no walk - too much effort at the moment.  gotta lay low till this rights itself.  i'm off keel.

[CactusFlower]

Hey, san, I totally get needing to take the time to relax and recalibrate. Hope you feel better soon. gentle hugs if you want them.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, CF.  hugs are always welcome!  always! 

been sick w/ stress flu, still not ok.  it's been a long 2 weeks.  my T is back tomorrow, but i'm not going to talk much - still need to rest and heal.

[Armee]

It's really really not fair this stress flu takes you down so much. You deserve to feel free and GOOD! But I know you'll get there again, and soon. It sounds very wise to take it slow and easy in therapy this week. I don't know if it's true for you but for me it takes it takes week to work through relationship kinks when T returns from being gone. Nothing major just a little distance and such.

Driving sounds like a great thing to look forward to.

[sanmagic7]

armee, thank you so for your sympathetic and kind words.  so appreciated.

finally feeling better today.  it's been a long week.  we also found out today that we'll be able to stay in our apt. another year.  the car and the apt. were my 2 biggest concerns in the past month.  it was great to be able to lease the car, but not knowing if we'd be able to live here in another month still weighed heavily on my shoulders. 

one of the first things i told my D after visiting the apt. office was that now i am looking forward to finally finishing my room.  i stopped working on it cuz if i couldn't stay here, i saw no reason to go any farther with it.  on the other hand, it still doesn't quite seem real.  i still have a feeling in the back of my mind that this car is just a loaner from our old neighbor, and in a few weeks we'll have to give it back.  ant the apt. news, well, over the past week i've been saying we could live in the car if we had to, go back to mex. if it came to being homeless.  yep, i went all the way there.

so, now i'm breathing a little easier, but it's still difficult to believe all the way.  almost doesn't seem real, like i'm going to wake up.

[Armee]

It is so difficult...scary, painful, to let our guards down when things seem good. Keeping our guards up a little waiting for the other shoe to drop increases our suffering but lessens the fear of deep pain.

BUT that is fantastic news about apartment! This stability and mobility is just what you need. Have FUN unpacking your room and making it yours. Congrats! You can always make room for the slight discomfort of knowing things could change, but that for now, you have wheels and a home.

Huge congratulatory hugs San! The kind where you dance around a little!