Learning to heal, Larry's journey

[Larry]

today was good,  until a few hours ago.  I don't know why,  I get depressed ,  i start feeling negative emotions and getting negative thoughts.   I want to drink,  but not because i want alcohol,  i think it's because i want to hurt myself.  it is going to be a hard night

[NarcKiddo]

Standing with you, Larry. Take care.

[Hope67]

Hi Larry,
I hope that you've got through the night ok - I know you said it was going to be a hard night.  Sending you a hug of support 
Also some sunshine 
Hope 

[Larry]

thank you narckiddo and hope,   i didn't drink,   i took sevreal hydroxyzine pills and went to sleep.   I am trying to find a way to get back in therapy.   

[NarcKiddo]

I'm proud of you, Larry. You recognised that the urge to drink was not actually coming from a desire for alcohol. And you resisted the urge. You looked after yourself. That is really strong self-care at a time when you were probably not feeling all that strong. Well done. I hope you find a way to get back in therapy. In the meantime, I hope you can look back on this situation and feel proud of yourself.

 

[Papa Coco]

I'm also standing with you Larry,

I've put a few years between me and my last drink, but that doesn't mean I don't also want to find some way to hide from my depressions and my anxieties. I no longer grab for a bottle, but I do look for other distractions. This life has turned out to be a pretty gnarly river to navigate without tearing open the hull.

I am forced to deal with my issues more now that I don't drink, but I can say I'm a bit happier now that I don't medicate the emotions away. It's hard work but it yields results. Sometimes it feels like I get a teaspoon of healing out of every gallon of daily effort I put in. But that's a teaspoon more than I had yesterday, I guess.

[Larry]

i love all of you,  thank you for being here.

the last few days have been good,  other than having sinus congestion and feeling terrible.  I haven't been to the gym in a week,  i really miss it,  just have had no energy.  hoping to go tomorrow.  day 6 without a drink,   i am trying not to focus on that number,  trying not to put so much pressure on myself. 

[NarcKiddo]

 

I hope the sinuses clear soon. Congestion is horrid.

[Larry]

I had 4 shots yesterday with some co workers,  it felt great,   i didn't over drink,  and i felt normal like everyone else,   i don't want to drink everyday,  but i just can't take the pressure.  so today is day 1,   and maybe i am not thinking clearly when i say i feel normal when drinking.    i think i am a little lost,  but i feel good.  I don't want to use alcohol to cope,  i really don't want to drink at all.    i don't know why i am so consumed by this.   
 I went to the gym yesterday,  first day in almost a week as i wasn't feeling well.   going to go again tomorrow.   

[Hope67]

Hi Larry,
I'm glad you were feeling well enough to go back to the gym.  Sorry to hear you'd not been feeling well before that. 

I'm glad you're feeling good.  Wishing you the best for today.    I've put that today instead of sunshine, as it's raining here!   
Hope 

[Larry]

thank you hope 
 doing some things around the house this morning,   going to the gym soon.   i lost 7 pounds last week due to not feeling well,  but gained 3 pounds back.   

[Hope67]

Hi Larry,
I hope you're feeling better.   
Hope 

[Larry]

thank you hope ,
still a little congested,  feels like it will never end.    I had a few drinks yesterday,  probably should not have driven home.   not going to beat myself up about it.   i don't want to drink,  just so tired of being consumed by the constant struggle.  tired of counting the days.
  i went to the gym yesterday,  that always makes me feel better.   working this afternoon. 

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad you got to the gym yesterday. I am always surprised by how good exercise makes me feel - especially since I was not brought up to exercise and at school was one of those always picked last to be on any team.

I hope you manage to get rid of the congestion soon.

[Larry]

thank you NK !     I have been doing good,  going to the gym almost every day.  day 5 without a drink.   I have been mostly happy,  i haven't been sleeping well,  but that's ok