Learning to heal, Larry's journey

Larry · February 22, 2024, 01:14:48 AM

feeling good today, worked this morning and went to they gym. day 5 without a drink. I almost don't want to count the days anymore, i just want to not overdrink and have to deal with all the complications and suicidal thoughts. I am not sleeping as much as i would like, but i noticed i have not been getting nightmares as frequent as i did when i drank alot.

Armee · February 22, 2024, 02:53:22 AM

That's awesome Larry! Nightmares make it really hard to sleep and then that just adds to the difficulties. Also i learned awhile ago when I was working in critical incident stress management (basically peer to peer counseling for first responders) that alcohol interferes with REM sleep which is when we process trauma so after a traumatic incident we advise people to not drink much or at all for a couple days so their brains can process the trauma while they sleep.

I think I need to stop anesthetizing myself before bed too. It can't be helping me process the trauma so it's just keeping me stuck like this longer.

NarcKiddo · February 22, 2024, 05:03:28 PM

Well done, Larry! Go, you.

I used to think alcohol would help me sleep. It would certainly help me zonk out but I would frequently wake in a panic in the early hours when I was drinking regularly. I got a heart rate monitor for the gym and tried it at night to see how low my resting heart rate was during the night. I was expecting it to be low because I am now quite fit and my daytime resting rate is pretty good. BUT - I discovered my night time heart rate is quite a lot higher than my daytime resting rate (probably due to trauma) and if I drink, the heart rate goes way higher all night. So I think I have slept soundly but have not actually rested all that well. That is an added incentive for me to keep control of my drinking and since you like your exercise I thought I would mention it here.

Larry · February 24, 2024, 12:25:29 AM

I appreciate you both for all the help and support, i have been doing good, until about an hour ago, is started feeling depresed and lonely. i am at home now, and the dogs help a lot. i am trying to fight it off. i really need to find some local friends for support.

NarcKiddo · February 24, 2024, 10:30:32 AM

Dogs are such a comfort. Wishing you all the best.

Papa Coco · February 24, 2024, 05:11:09 PM

Larry, I'm happy to hear you've nearly completed a full week sober. CONGRATULATIONS!

And I agree with your assessment that you need to find local support. I would still be drinking if I hadn't had that.

Larry · February 24, 2024, 06:25:19 PM

thank you PC ! I am trying to get motivated today. I really want to go to the gym. I am starting to calm down a little, i took my wife to the grocery store this morning and it was so busy, it really stresses me out.

Papa Coco · February 25, 2024, 10:15:36 PM

Hi Larry,

I'm just checking in. (I get stressed out in crowds too...I shop on Amazon more and more just so I don't have to leave the house and go into the stores). I hope you're having a good day today.

Larry · February 26, 2024, 04:31:45 PM

thank you PC !
Today is day 10 without a drink. it feels awkward to count the days. I feel like i can have a few drinks, i just don't want to use alcohol to escape anymore. I went for a bicycle ride yesterday, first tie ina while. it felt nice. going to the gym later today.
i am going to be in a show at the local theater, i really enjoy that, the cast is always supportive and feels like family

NarcKiddo · February 26, 2024, 06:00:19 PM

Good for you, Larry. I think you're doing really well. The show sounds great fun. Would like to hear more about that if you wish to share.

Larry · February 26, 2024, 07:13:10 PM

thank you NarcKiddo, we are doing the mousetrap by Agatha Christie, i have been in several shows at the theater, i really enjoy it.

Papa Coco · February 27, 2024, 05:53:22 PM

Larry

That is so cool! I wanted to join theater in High School but was so used to being humiliated for anything I ever did. I believed my friends would all humiliate me for being in a play. I saw acting as a wish I would never be able to fulfill. I let trauma take that from me. I'm glad you didn't let trauma take that from you!

I think it's awesome that you let yourself have that fun art.

And congratulations on 10 days!

The ONE most important thing I learned in AA that has literally saved me from thinking I could have that one drink at dinner is that I now know, without a shadow of a doubt, that the ONLY drink I can say no to is the first one.

I hope you keep saying no to that first one.

I'm pulling for you, and I'll chime in with NarKiddo and say that I would also really like to hear a bit about what it's like to be on stage in a play. I want to live a bit vicariously through that with you.

Larry · March 02, 2024, 12:44:04 AM

thank you so much papa coco !! today is 15 days, went to the gym and trying to eat. I still get depressed and feel isolated, not sure what i can do about that right now.

I didn't start theater stuff until later in life. I really enjoy it, you get to be someone else. I like to do comedies. it is such a good feeling making people laugh.

NarcKiddo · March 02, 2024, 10:11:44 AM

Good for you, Larry.

I did quite a lot of theatre stuff in school and really enjoyed it. I was not happy at school (boarding school) so the acting was a good outlet. And comedies, I agree, are great fun to do. It's also good to feel part of a team with a common goal of making the show the best it can be.

Papa Coco · March 04, 2024, 05:52:37 PM

Larry, congratulations on 15 days! Remember, you can say no only to the first drink. I'm pulling for you. The desire to drink eventually goes away. It did for me. I don't even like the smell of booze anymore. Such a relief.

I know that feeling of making an audience laugh. It's euphoric. I'm glad you are in a play that includes humor. How fun!