Learning to heal, Larry's journey

[paul72]

i am so thankful for all of the support from everyone,  i really need to try to give some support to others,   you are all amazing and appreciated !!

I totally get this Larry
I feel guilty getting support and not reciprocating ... but Armee is right and you are accepted just as you are. Much peace today Larry!

[sanmagic7]

 

these past 2 mos. have been difficult for me, and  i haven't been able to reciprocate the way i used to, and that was hard.  since i was the giver all my life, to receive and not give back hits my mind in a guilty place.  you are not alone in these feelings, larry.  we'll just keep pushing through, cuz that's what this place is here for - support and acceptance no matter where we're at.  love and hugs

[Larry]

 

[Larry]

thursday....   the new job has been ok,   i have not been over drinking.    i havent had a therapy session in 3 weeks.  not sure if i will  see my T again.    i really want to get back to suppressing emotions and memories.   i think i was happier when i could do that.   i really do not like emotions.    i don't want to feel them,   they come up at the wrong time.    i don't even know what i am feeling  or why i am feeling them.      i really wish i could dissociate on demand

[Armee]

The beginning is really really rough, Larry. Know that. It's not just you. It's especially rough if therapy is not frequent enough because you are left to flounder through it alone, and yeah...temporarily worse off than before.

It's hard to compare because all of our experiences are different in severity but I know there are others here with some pretty tough pasts that have gone through therapy and  come out the other side in a much better place.

Speaking for myself, while going through therapy has been seriously dysregulating to the point I began hallucinating terrible things, I would never ever ever go back to how I was before therapy. I would go through the very worst parts of therapy all over again without hesitation.  My biggest regret is waiting until I was 40 to start because those were 20 years that I could have spent feeling good, you know? What a waste. It has not been easy. Not at all. But there's no way other than through it. You've only had 2 or 3 sessions right? Give it time, Larry. Go regularly. I care about you and you deserve to feel better, not just numb.

[sanmagic7]

larry, i agree with armee and everything she said.  may i just add that it came to my mind maybe you are not with the right therapist at this time.  from what you've written, it may be that you need someone who is more in tune with trauma and the painful emotions/memories that are being brought up.  your T might be going too fast for you, pushing you in a direction you're not quite ready for.  i don't know what kind of therapy your T has been trained in - are they trauma-informed?  as always, tho, you can tell your T to slow down, you need a different direction, and that small steps would be most helpful rather than taking on these big issues on their surface.

as a recovering alcoholic, i do know how alcohol can help avoid the pain and hurt of our past.  it can be a wonderful painkiller.  it seems to me it could be the best coping mechanism you have right now.  it's easy to be overwhelmed by what's happened to us, and digging at it too deeply or too quickly can hurt us, encourage us to retreat to coping mechanisms that have helped us thru life until the present.  i hope you don't give up on therapy altogether.  it's taken some time, experimentation with therapists, but i've finally found the right one for me, and her trauma awareness and willingness to go slow, change course, help me get thru the pain (still helping me with that after 2 years) is what's making that difference for me to continue.

sending you love and a hug filled with empathy for what you're going thru.  i've been there. 

[Larry]

   thank you both,  i feel mcuh better this morning.  i only had 2 drinks yesterday.   not working today.   

[rainydiary]

Larry, I hope your day is easeful.

[Larry]

thank you rainy ! 

[Larry]

saturday ?   i dont even know wat day it is,   i had a good gym session today,    but i am so confused right now.     it is almost 1 am,   i have to work tomorrow at 6 am,    i really don't care anymore.    i will probably be there on time,   but not really concenrned about it.    i want to do a good  job,  but just don't feel it right now. 

[sanmagic7]

hang tough, larry.  you'll get thru this.  we're hangin' with you.  love and hugs

[Armee]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Larry,
I hope that it's going ok - I think it's more disorientating at this time of year, with New Year and everything - and you were up for work very early.  I really hope you're ok, and sending you a hug, if that's ok 

Hope 

[Larry]

thank you hope !    i am not working tomorrow,   trying not to drink tonight.   i did have 3 drinks earlier today.   i am ok with that,  i feel like i have some control rightnow.    i am toired of counting drinks,  i don't think i am going to do that anymore, 

[Armee]

I support you in not counting. You know when it has veered into a level that is not helpful for your long-term healing.

Enjoy your day tomorrow!