Learning to heal, Larry's journey

[Armee]

Oh that's a bit hard to have a therapy session rescheduled last minute. Sorry,  Larry.

[Not Alone]

Oh that's a bit hard to have a therapy session rescheduled last minute. Sorry,  Larry.

All the waiting and the turmoil in the waiting, it is really hard when an appointment time is changed.

[Larry]

thank you both,  i am really trying to do some self help,   i miss not feeling emotions and feeling normal.  it sucks feeling like i need to get so drunk to not feel things.  i don't know what to expect from therapy,  i know it could take some time to really notice some improvement.  i really hate my F right now,  i don't like to call him that,  he was never a F,  i am so hurt and confused.

[Armee]

It sounds like you are feeling emotions, Larry! 

You are feeling anger! The anger is justiifed. What's behind it?

[Larry]

so many things,  i am trying to learn to control emotions,  i have never liked them.  starting the day with a positive attitude.  no work today,  not sure what to do. 

[pt_1112021]

I can relate to this.  Emotions can throw off my entire day.  Like today.  Thanks for the reminder!

[Larry]

had a good day today,  i did have several drinks,  and will probably have more,  at home now.  really trying to understand and control emotions.  my session was rescheduled for friday.  i feel like i need to stay drunk until then,  i know that isn't the answer,  it just makes me feel better.  starting to not like my job.  i am scheduled 6 days a week,  but have only been working 2 days.  i know that will change soon.  it is slow right now.  i think i am going to get black out drunk tonight.  nothing else to do !

[Armee]

We're not going to shame you here Larry but we can remind you when you want us to that there are other options.

[dollyvee]

Hi Larry,

Hope you're doing ok. I can relate to that. Growing up for me was all about controlling emotions. If I showed a reaction to something, certain people would pick up on that and belittle or demean me. It was also a way to not feel vulnerable around people in my life that weren't safe or didn't make me feel safe that I could be around them - my FOO and I've taken this to mean a lot of people out in the world. I'm sorry if your F made you feel like that.

We usually have these parts in us that are still acting from the age that we learned we had to defend ourselves or when a trauma happened. So there's the 8 year old, or whatever age, who had a response (justified) and we carry that into being an adult, but there's also the adult part there with a different life and no danger (unless there is but that's something else) where that response is maybe no longer useful even though it feels like it is. I often feel like people would belittle me at work (which does happen) but I'm noticing that my responses to it can change. That it's not my "identity" to be that person. I'm not that 8 year old that had to survive or else.

I just wanted to send you some support and say that you're totally justified to feel whatever is coming up and it's understandable why you don't want the emotions to come up. Sometimes they bring back bad memories that we'd rather forget about how we felt at that time. Therapy is a safe place where you are in control to let them come up though and be with them, and for someone else to witness what happened that is there to help you. We're in control in therapy for what feels safe for us.

I know you said you were interested in mediation and I find these very powerful if you're interested:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sibWahRqX3o
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=frQVcizEkmI

Have a great day, you're doing great 

[Larry]

thank you armee and dolly,  i did have some drinks last night,  but i didn't get drunk.  i tried to slow downa bit.  today is a new day.  i think i will take the dogs to the park.  trying not to think about friday.  i am going to watch those videos ,  thank you for sending the links !

[Armee]

I think you are doing great Larry. The days you fall and the days you want to do better for yourself.

A quick note about meditation. I am starting to get back into trying that. It isn't uncommon for people with CPTSD to become afraid or uncomfortable and overwhelmed while even closing their eyes and taking some deep breaths let alone fully meditating. It's ok to just dip your toes in and tolerate what you can then take them out and then try again when you feel maybe you want to keep them in for 5 seconds longer. In other words, you're not failing at meditation if you can't sit with it right away. Just acclimate yourself to it, like you would getting into a cold lake, except even slower.

[Larry]

that is great advice!   thank you Armee.  baby steps.  i just downloaded pete walkers book,  might do some reading today. 

[Larry]

i really wanted to go to the bar for happy hour,  sitting at home alone isn't fun.  i did get some new plants today and planted them.  just opened a bottle of wine,  hopefully just 1 or 2 glasses.  Not sure what to do this evening.  really looking forward to our busy season.  i like working everyday.  keeps me busy and out of trouble.  My local pub told me yesterday they  will not serve me liquor anymore,  only beer.  not sure that is the answer,  but i guess they are concerned.   

[owl25]

Hi Larry, not sure that we've met yet. Welcome to OOTS 

I love that you got some plants today. Are they indoor or outdoor plants?

That does sound like your pub is concerned about you. That has me a little concerned for you as well. It sounds though like a part of you is trying to protect against feeling, which must feel really scary to you. If it helps to know, it's possible for feelings to not overwhelm you, there are ways of reducing their intensity so you don't have to escape.

I hope you're having an okay night!

[Larry]

Hi Owl,  they are outside plants,  and you are right,  i do drink so i don't have to feel or deal with emotions.  i use to be so good at not feeling,  even though i know it isn't the answer.   the last 3 months have been *.  i had a really bad EF,  really messed things up.   since then i have not been able to control or understand all the emotions i have been feeling.  been drinking more than usuall,  just trying not to feel.   i just started therapy,  second session is friday.