Jazzy's Journal: Omega

[Jazzy]

M texted me again today to tell me she sent me an email of a picture about something she's been working on for me. While it is nice she is working on something for me, it hardly makes up for a lifetime of neglect, especially with being ignored so recently. I also told her I needed some time, but she was texting me yesterday and again today. It's too much too soon, and it's upsetting me.

After reading Armadillo's text to her M, I had the courage to text my M back and be honest about what was going on. I politely told her to stop contacting me so frequently and that she is not respecting the fact that I told her I needed space, which is making things worse.

She didn't reply, which is understandable, though something like "okay, sorry to bother you" would have been nice.

It was still difficult to do. I'm sure my acting like this is difficult for her to handle. It is really great for me though, I have felt much better since sending that message! I hope that by being honest with her, she will learn how to treat myself and others better. I guess she can't figure it out for herself.

I feel a little bit guilty for "making her feel bad", but the truth is that there are consequences to her (lack of) actions, and the consequences of her actions belong to her, not to me!

[Not Alone]

I love the bright pink. Thanks for sharing how to use different colors.

After reading Armadillo's text to her M, I had the courage to text my M back and be honest about what was going on. I politely told her to stop contacting me so frequently and that she is not respecting the fact that I told her I needed space, which is making things worse.

Great job being clear with your boundaries.

[Jazzy]

Notalone:

You're welcome; I'm glad I can help! I'm glad you like it too. I tried to pick a colour that matched the flower in your picture.

Thank you for your encouragement too. It is very helpful, especially on a difficult topic like this.

[Jazzy]

Something I've thought about recently is how my mother destroyed my individuality as a child.

One example, which is an important thing to me, is how I was born left-handed, but she forced me to switch to being right-handed. I'm not exactly sure why, maybe she was afraid of me being different, or maybe it was because of her religion. I suspect the latter had a lot to do with it, because the private religious school I was at for kindergarten wouldn't tolerate me using my left hand. That kind of hatred and intolerance really upsets me.

Recently, my niece pointed out that I was "different", to which I replied something along the lines of "Yes, there are around 8 billion people in the world. I'm glad I'm not the same as all of them." This led her to think about it in a new way, and she exclaimed how boring the world would be if everyone was the same, which is what M and the others forced me to become.

I don't know if I can switch back to being left-handed; it's much more difficult as an adult. I can work on becoming ambidextrous to start, though. At least I'm still left-handed in sports. It's a small silver lining of never being able to leave the house. She couldn't corrupt me fully!

...

Wow, that last sentence is hitting me hard. I need to process that more.

[rainydiary]

Jazzy, I find it upsetting when others aim to push others into a box or category.  It is often so arbitrary what we are striving for, especially in the case of one handedness being superior to another.  I wish your left handedness had been honored.  Our brains can change so I hope you find a way of expressing whatever side works for a given situation. 

[Armadillo]

That is such a beautiful message your niece got from you. It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes for kids:

Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.

I wish all that stuff never happened to you. But you are a pretty unique person and that part is gold.

[Jazzy]

Rainydiary:

Thank you so much.You're right, things like that are ridiculous to force people to change. The opposite is true too though, being left-handed is not better than being right-handed. It's just natural for me, so I want to get back to respecting myself.

Thank you for your respect and hope, that is very comforting and encouraging. I am especially encouraged that you find it upsetting how I was treated, as it makes me feel worthy and respected. Thank you. 

[Jazzy]

Armadillo:

Thank you! I hope it helps her to express her own individuality and feel more confident. I really like that quote, and I think it is good for adults too! I've been using a lot more talents lately, even though they aren't very developed yet.

Thank you for your compassion and compliments. That is very sweet of you.

[Jazzy]

This morning I ate breakfast using my left hand to begin working on becoming ambidextrous. It wasn't easy and it took longer, but it also wasn't as challenging as I was expecting. I was awake early this morning, around 4:30, so I had plenty of time to spend eating slowly.

It is a good start!

[Jazzy]

I've been thinking more about my survivor story. It is a really important thing to me, and I am still making minor updates. I also fixed the problem the website was having yesterday. Sorry if anyone tried to read it but it didn't load. Here's the link again: Jazzy's Story if anyone would like to read it now.

When I wrote my previous post about writing the story, I didn't do a very good job of expressing my emotions. I understand that it is because I was very emotional already, and it is challenging to express so much to other people. However I have had more time to process it now.

I said this to RainyDiary, and I think it is worth mentioning again:

I found it incredibly healing to write my story out to be published. It was the thing that finally allowed me to fully accept that I'm a normal person who lived through all of this mess, and that it is the fault of my parents and other childhood caregivers, not mine!

Being able to own the reality of my life like that has been a massive accomplishment and lead to a lot of growth and confidence.

I also feel it is worth mentioning these two paragraphs from my story again:

If I had to pick only one thing to share which changed my life, it would be this question: Am I absolutely happy right now?

While it's important to make changes in manageable-sized steps, continuously asking myself that question has allowed me to heal much more than I ever expected. I find it so easy to stop healing when I start to feel a bit better, but repeatedly taking one more small step after I become comfortable is how I've progressed to where I am today.

For me, this one thing is the key between being okay (which really isn't okay to me) and being excellent. It started out simply. I wanted to be happy, but I noticed that when I felt less depressed I would be less motivated to work towards feeling happy. So I made it a point, with reminders on my phone, to keep asking myself if I was happy or not. Because I was so unaccustomed to being happy, I didn't have a very good understanding what it was like. This is why I included the word "absolutely". A little happy is nice, but absolutely happy is so much better!

[Armadillo]

I didn't see the link before and appreciate you sharing your story with us. I am going to wait to read it until I have a good spot to give it my full attention, which it deserves.

[Jazzy]

Thank you, Armadillo! I appreciate that.

[Armadillo]

Jazzy! Thanks for sharing that. I'm surprised you put it out there, name and all. That takes courage for folks like us. I can't really believe how much you've recovered without good therapy. That's really inspiring. And I love what you say about happiness and continuing to take small steps forward, even when things feel good.

It wasn't ok that you were left to teach yourself and your siblings, to deal with your sister's death and night terrors alone, and abandoned by your parents as a teenager.

I am very sorry for your losses and really admire your strength.

[Jazzy]

[TW: Alarms]

--

This morning on my jog there was a house a couple of blocks down from mine that was on fire. This was somewhat triggering for me, not only because of the thoughts and memories of alarms going off in the middle of the night and all that entails, but because of all the police that were blocking my route. I have had so many bad experience with the police, but never a good one.

However, because I had to go around them, I decided to detour a little further than necessary and I found a small street which seemed to be a wonderful little neighbourhood. It was a big contrast to my usual route, only a few blocks away, where people are much more closed-minded and unkind.

There were a lot of encouraging things I found. I really liked this one sign, so I stopped to take a picture of it. It helped me feel so much better, which helped me jog just a little bit further than yesterday!

[rainydiary]

Jazzy, I can relate to alarms and police presence as triggering.  It sounds like the unplanned detour was a pleasant surprise following moments of difficultly.