Jazzy's Journal: Omega

[Jazzy]

This is backtracking a bit, to my post before about the speed of healing. While it is good to heal as fast as possible, it is still important to do so in a healthy way. For me, that means making big changes in smaller steps, instead of trying to make one massive change and failing. I've been able to accomplish so much more recently, because I took a bit more time to do it in steps.

For example, my diet, especially sugar intake, is very important to me. A big thing I didn't like about my diet was "liquid sugar". At the beginning, this meant drinking lots of pop ( "soda" for you Americans ) I've tried to quit drinking pop many times before, but in the end, failed every time.

The only one time I've had pop this year is when my friend died. That night I had fast food. It was a horribly stressful situation. I understand and I'm okay with drinking pop that day. Overall though, I think it's fair to say I haven't had pop this year.

Here's the steps I had to take, in order to make that change though.

• Replace pop with juice until comfortable
• Drink water and juice at the same time (one sip of water, then one sip of juice) until comfortable
• Water down juice until comfortable
• Switch from juice to fruit tea until comfortable

Finally, I'm able to make my own fruit juice, which is always what I've wanted to do. It's so simple, but it took a long time to get here. Tonight I blended 3 strawberries, a banana, a sprinkle of cinnamon, and water together (in to a big pitcher for the next few days). Much less sugar, no concentrate, no preservatives, it's so much healthier. It also isn't much more expensive either, which is great! I'm happy to spend an extra 25 cents (roughly) and 3 minutes for a drink that I'm so much happier with.

[Armadillo]

I wish you tons of luck in figuring out things with your M in a way that is healthy for you.

I think what you say is right on about pacing and it makes so much sense that you and your sister struggle to do things like stay hydrated. I'm sorry you both were neglected so much.

[rainydiary]

Jazzy, I am thinking of you and your sister.  I hope those moments where you learn about each other offer support and solidarity. 

I appreciate how methodical you approach finding what works for your health body.  I hope you continue to find ways to meet your needs in ways that feel right to you. 

[Jazzy]

Thank you Armadillo. I'm on a break from M right now until I feel better, or at least less hurt, about the situation.

I'm glad to hear it makes so much sense to you. It's still a bit difficult for me to understand. I get that being neglected as a child results in us neglecting ourselves as adults, but I don't understand why hydration specifically. There was almost always running water. Maybe only a day or two the water got shut off a few times, but there was some stored in those cases too. I guess it just feels so extreme. I guess I was treated extremely badly though... it's just difficult to fully accept that.

Thank you for your compassion and sharing, it helps a lot.

[Jazzy]

Rainydiary, thank you for your thoughts. You're right, it is very helpful to share those moments with my sister.

I'm happy to hear you appreciate my methodology! I have a lot of experience thinking in different ways, not only because I needed to do that to survive, but also because of work. I'm a computer science engineer with a focus on artificial intelligence development, so "how to think" and "how to learn" is a big part of my life. Recently, "how to feel" and incorporating those three things together has become the primary focus in my work, which has catapulted me ahead.

The point though, is that I'm glad I can use what I've learned to lead to positive results in my life. Thank you. I will certainly do my best to continue to care for myself in a healthy way, which feels good too.

--

I feel badly because a while ago, I told you that the colour you chose was difficult to read, and I haven't seen you use any colours since. I really didn't mean to be discouraging, but to provide honest feedback, in order to make things easier (better?) for everyone. I would feel much better if you used some colours again, at least here, in my journal. Of course, you don't need to, if you don't want to. It's good to do what is best for you.

Regardless, it is absolutely fine even if the colours are sometimes hard to read. Some things work out better than others. Accepting, then understanding, then trying again to find a good result is how we learn. If everything goes perfectly on the first try, that is more "getting lucky" rather than learning.

I've learned there are a lot more colours available than the ones listed in the drop down box. If anyone wants to experiment, feel free to do so here! This is how you get extra colours:

Use the color tag, along with an RGB color code instead of a named color. RGB color codes start with #.

Example: blue text  (take the space " " out of the tag to make it work)

Blue text with named color tag: [ color=blue]
Blue text with RGB code tag: [ color=#0000FF]

The closing tag is always needed for formatting, which is [ /color] for color text. So the final example for blue text with RGB code is:
[ color=#0000FF]Blue text example[ /color]

You can try copy and pasting the line above, then taking out the spaces " " between [ and color to see it work.

The easiest way to do this is to use the drop down to pick a colour, then replace the name like "blue" with the code like "#0000FF". Websites like https://rgbcolorcode.com/ make it easy to find the codes for millions of colors!

This color is called "purple heart". The code is #63268c.

[rainydiary]

Jazzy, no worries.  I didn't take that comment in a negative way.  My brain has been overactive the past few weeks and it takes more steps to add color than not. 


I appreciate you exploring the color options and sharing what you learn. 

[Armadillo]

Jazzy!
you had to take care of yourself in ways no child should have too. You and your sis as adults took on the role of abuser just like a lot of us do with self harm or negative thoughts...in a way it's like rebelling against how we were treated. And I'm so happy you are taking good care of yourself now. Nurturing instead of neglecting.

That's cool you work on artificial intelligence!

what do you think you'll have for dinner with your neighbor?

[Jazzy]

Rainydiary:
Whew, I'm relieved you didn't take my feedback negatively!

I'm sorry to hear your brain has been overactive. That is challenging. You're right, it does take a bit longer to add colour.

Thank you for adding some colour tonight, and for expressing your appreciation over the time I take to share.

[Jazzy]

Armadillo:
You're right. Thank you for explaining how we take on the role of the abuser, and how I'm not alone in that. It seems to me that is what my M taught me to do though, so perhaps I am just following her example. I think there's a lot more to it though, or at least more for me to process.

Thank you for being happy for me taking care of myself. It's such a big thing!

Yeah, I think AI is pretty cool. I'm very passionate about it. I could go on for hours, but basically the concept of creating intelligence in a non-living thing (computer) to help improve our lives... that's just an amazing thing to me.

--

Wow, dinner! I'm so glad you asked! I've been wanting to tell someone about it, as I'm very excited, but I don't really have anyone. I could talk to my sister, but she would go on about it being a "date" and all of that, which would just add more stress to what I'm already feeling over the situation.



I'm stressed because it is scary. It feels like it is really putting myself out there.

First of all, making dinner for someone else seems like a big responsibility, especially considering how badly I've done with nutrition for most of my life.

Second, cooking over a fire is much more difficult; especially with timing to have everything cooked and warm, but not overcooked or cold. I haven't cooked over a fire in 10+ years.

Third, her diet may be very different than mine. Even if I do a great job it might be very foreign to her, so she may not like it. Especially considering I've been eating vegetarian recently. I don't mean to judge anyone else, but I want to get my nutrition without animals being killed for it.



I am very excited though, and I think it will work out well. Here's what I have planned.

Salad with lemon water to start. Spring mix, tomatoes, cucumber, and Italian (or optionally Chili Caesar) dressing. Simple, yet tasty.

With dinner, I have planned to drink almond milk.

Main course will be vegetable skewers on a bed of rice. I have tomato, mushroom, peppers, onion, zucchini, and pineapple for the skewers.

Side dishes will be pasta salad (pasta, tomato, cucumber, mushroom, carrot, peppers, cheese, black beans, and Italian dressing), and baked potatoes with chili and topped with salsa.

For dessert, I have strawberries with chocolate drizzle.

All of the toppings (dressing, salsa, chocolate etc.) are home made. I've put a lot of effort in to making my own things instead of eating store bought food, which has far more preservatives and other additives.


While this sounds good to me, I would appreciate some feedback. It would be great if I could avoid a disaster, or someone has other ideas which I could incorporate.

[Jazzy]

I'm rather short on time this evening. I have to go back to finish making the Italian dressing and pasta salad for tomorrow, so it can sit overnight. However there is something I'd like to briefly share.

Today I didn't do much work. I took it easy, because it had been so stressful earlier in the week. I spent some time being more creative. One of those things was creating a wallpaper (desktop background) image, based on what Armadillo said earlier, which really stood out to me.

I think it's not perfect, but considering the quote, it seems appropriate. So while a small part of me wants to go back and re-make it, I am choosing to leave it as-is.

Click for bigger picture!

Feel free to save the image for your own use and share, if you would like.

[Armadillo]

 

Thank you Jazzy. That made me cry. In a good way, in exactly the right way. Good luck tomorrow. Let us know how it goes and if you need encouragement you know where to find us!

[Jazzy]

  Well, this feels strange to say.... but I'm glad you cried. Sometimes it is good. Thank you.

[Jazzy]

Sadly, I ate alone tonight. I'm not sure why but my neighbour hasn't been home all day, despite saying she would be. I'm trying not to take it personally, especially given this was her idea. So, that's confusing. 

It's been difficult though. I'm really proud of myself that I didn't totally shut down, like I have in the past. That's encouraging. I imagine tonight trying to sleep will be challenging. It's harder to stay positive when just laying in bed.

For now, I'm okay... at least I had a nice dinner. Here's a couple of pictures, I hope no one minds.

--

Tonight has also been a learning experience. I find it's easier to learn when things don't go perfectly. Now I know some things that I can do differently in the future to make a situation like this easier from the beginning. It's really encouraging that my mind could think like that, despite tonight being challenging.

[Not Alone]

I'm really sorry that your neighbor didn't come over. That would be really disappointing.

The wallpaper you created is great. Thank you for sharing it with us.

[Armadillo]

What a huge disappointment! You really planned a long time for that dinner and I know it meant so much to you. I'm glad you are feeling mostly ok though about this. So much could have happened. Your neighbor could have her own difficulties that caused her to react and retreat that have nothing to do with you, she could have forgotten, or she could have had an emergency.

Your dinner looks delicious! You did a good job! I'm glad you posted pictures.