Choosing Hea1thy Daily Journal

[BeeKeeper]

san, thanks for the bouquet!

It's lovely and right here on my desk! I missed a comment on Friday about the healing vibes for my fracture and finding a caring medic. Turns out he was telling me the truth, and although I couldn't believe my life would get better sooner rather than later, I'm so glad it has. The bruise on the top of my foot is quite interesting to watch. It's now moving across to the left and getting really deep purple. I've got my own slow-mo "painting" going on. All I can think is wow, my body really does a great job.

After some indulgence in the AM, I got up, mopped my bathroom floor, and cleaned out 3 cupboards in my kitchen. My collection of padded envelopes not able to be recycled are ready for the landfill. (sad face) My recycling is washed, sorted and in a reusable bag. The school books are in the closet, and my bookmarks are buried in a separate folder at the bottom. New October calendars are up. I'm reading a little of Stephen Porges and Jules Evans. I had a distressing thought about 2 hours ago, about my maternal grand parents, but decided not to pursue it. There's plenty in current life to pay attention to.

Public Service Announcement:
1. Dante has a new post on OOTS blog. Read it here https://www.outofthestorm.website/guest-bloggers.  Thank you Dante for the time, effort and kind caring which motivated you.

2. For those who have access, the following will be shown tonight on PBS: a new season of Grantchester https://www.pbs.org/show/grantchester/

3. same as above, for Call the Midwife https://www.thirteen.org/blog-post/call-the-midwife-stream-new-season-10-season-9/

These links are for info only, you may live in a place where it's available, or you may not. 

Update: I just revisited one of my (Google) blogs started in 2011 and ended in 2014. Most pictures are intact. And I marvel at my sanity, only 7 years ago! I may periodically grab the shorter entries and paste them here. Seems like I was calmer back then, but then "spit" happens." I've written online over the years, starting with the now defunct Easy Journal and eventually gravitating to Google blogs (2).  Sometimes it's good to see where we came from and where we are now.

[BeeKeeper]

October 4

Call the Midwife has been part of my safe experiences for 9 years, going on 10 now. They deal with reality in a respectful way, and as a consequence, I feel safe. SAFE! That's my new favorite word. The same last night, which very strangely caused me to dream a powerful scenario in which arsonist H#1 and I were "together" and creating some condolence packages which consisted of small floral bouquets, notes, with calligraphy and strangely enough, he asked for my help. Nothing else of importance. Plenty of symbolism. Even in my dream, I called out his name, and some part of me was conscious that this was very, very unusual. I am surprisingly unaffected, so the earth has shifted on its axis.

It's drizzling here, but will still take my laundry to the cleaners. I've got my entire morning mapped out.

[BeeKeeper]

October 5

A funny thing happened on my store visit. I forgot the most "pressing/needed" item! My freaking coffee! Because the laundry was done same day, I decided to go back and get it. My cafe "person" walked by as I waited at the deli and expressed surprise. Maybe I'll wear a sign that says "I FORGOT" too. 

Into Polyvagal theory now, with Stanley Rosenberg and Stephen Porges. My primary care physician happens to be a Dr of Osteopathy so I'm in good hands. Always have been with him. Light therapy in the AM is an uplift and habit. It surprised me! Dreams are ramping up and showing me areas of attention. I'm spending $$ at last on necessities as well as gifts for grandkids, I was quite focused on saving for the car. Decided it has to be balanced with every day life.

[Hope67]

Hi BeeKeeper,
When you described your other day as being such that your 'entire morning' was 'mapped out' - I was impressed, and somehow it inspired me to map out my own time for some of the morning too.  So I just wanted to say that you helped me with your words, and I thank you for that.  I enjoy reading your journal, and I thought it's great that your dreams have been showing you 'areas of attention' and that sounds useful.  I find that I welcome my own dreams more than in the past, as the content is less frightening than it used to be, and I can search for meaning in it.

I also think it's great that you have a primary care physician that you value, that is really positive.

Hope 

[Armee]

Tiptoeing in to say hi and to leave a small vase of my favorite flowers...yellow ranunculas.

I'm happy that light therapy is helping you feel good.

[BeeKeeper]

Hope, I'm glad that one phrase nudged you to try it yourself. I got a lot done, some things couldn't wait. Yesterday, I never even got dressed!

Armee, thanks for the yellow ranunculas, I know exactly what they are! Those flowers are abundant!

October 6

Fascinating dream time. It helps if I read about lucid dreaming just before I turn out the light. There's been a shift in my dream behavior. I still dream about threats, but now I can either take action or walk on by. Walk, not run. Content that used to appall me no longer does, now I'm curious instead. A lot of stuff from my early teen years popping up. That's when everything went wrong.

Is 16 years too long to use a mattress pad? Yes, I ordered a new one.  I'm redoing my kitchen by purging the frig, culling containers, placing items more conveniently, pre-washing fruits, cutting up bulk produce then repacking. Cleaning out drawers. It's really small, yet seems like there's still another task waiting. There are leftover habits I need to throw out. It's just me now. How many pans and dishes do I really need?

[sanmagic7]

such a life change, bee, cleaning out the kitchen.  how much of a metaphor is that?  you sound strong, and determined, and i'm glad for you for that.  sending love and  a rainbow of gladioli.

[Armee]

Spring cleaning! Paring down would feel good. Way to go!

I'm really intrigued by your lucid dreaming and how it has allowed you some control over how you react to the content. 

[BeeKeeper]

Thank you Armee, "spring cleaning" not just seasonal!

October 7

Eureka! Great things happening-a fantastic session with my T, and in it, she did two things. First, she's putting out a new message for me now: Look at and correct self-judgment. Second, she teased me. These are monumental since we are finally moving past the "acceptance" message which lasted almost 5 years. This is the second session in which she's called attention to my blind spot and I truly am blind to it. (Sigh)

She responded at a remark I made about impatience with this "whole recovery thing" and how I still wished I could "get it over with." I can't remember her exact words, but I think it contained some mild sarcasm. When I first read it (all my sessions are captioned) I was confused. My first thought was, Wow, she's teasing me, the second thought, maybe I'd better confirm. Yup, I was right. What's so great about this is that we've reached a point where she feels I can handle it, and also she feels comfortable in doing it. That is reflected in the last couple months of me being more vulnerable and open with her, so it's all good!

I spoke about my lucid dreaming progress in which I no longer feel threatened as I did before and people that normally sent me "into a tailspin" are now shrugged off. Truly things which I never expected. Even so, I'm leery of delving into all the mechanics and techniques of it more, since I'm satisfied with the current result. My main focus is on turning my perception of time passing into ordinary life vs pandemic life.

Catching up on all kinds of mending here; clothes and slipcovers. Limited ambulation does that....

[woodsgnome]

Interesting observation about taking 5+ years en route to finding much self-acceptance. Yep -- it's taken me that long, if not longer. My T offers the same as is far mor patient with me than I am with myself.

Interesting, also, that I just read this entry about 1/2 hour before my T session today. And I've been very down lately -- precisely because of the impatient tone you referred to. I feel like I have progressed in certain areas yet so many part seem so far away from ever finding where I (or my inner critic) it seems I should be. Guess there is no 'seems' at all -- plus it's still the same territory. Which is  If only I could grab one of those stars. Just one, just once. Even in a very blue moon (blue moons are on my mind lots these days, and of course, nights too)

Kudos for your session, BeHea1thy. May this be a good turn in your journey.

[BeeKeeper]

starting off:

san, thanks for the gladioli and the kitchen clean cheer-I did see it, then forgot to acknowledge. I'm working on improving memory.

woodsgnome, I've missed you! thanks for stopping by and sharing your feelings. I think we need to give ourselves credit for pushing through the resistance and staying the course, even though getting there took what we consider a long time.  The destination is as worthy as the journey. (I made that up just now!) So, now with those new skills, we can approach the next phase, if you can call it that. Thanks for calling me BeHea1thy, I miss that.

Sage/Cactus Flower our music discussion did a lot for me, and I appreciate the new thread! I grinned when I saw it.

October 8

I discovered a new book which has me feeling excited, warm and fuzzy. It is Julia Galef's The Scout Mindset. In it she makes a case for adjusting our attitudes to reality, not what we prefer to see as reality. In short, the ability to admit when we are wrong and give up our "rightness." I like it because my ability to make decisions is impacted by my current mindset. all too often willing to gloss over facts I'd rather not pay attention to. Case in point, "Barry" from this summer. On the very first meeting, he told me outright that he'd been separated from his wife for 20 years. (!!!!!!) So, in my little universe, I interpreted that as weird, strange, off the charts in left field, but the bottom line was "stability" in that sleeping dogs were lying without waking. Hmmmm. There are so many other interpretations. But in the end, that one statement actually summed up his nature better than any other observation I could see. In re-reading and proofing this, I have to snort!

My session yesterday opened up all kinds of doors in my mind I'd firmly closed, locked, barricaded, sealed. But! I'm willing to see the irony, the flashing signs, which were always there, I just bought sunglasses to deal with them. I still see humor and that's my sign that life is essentially OK.

Update:
Lots of changes for me digitally. All unwelcome and a bit discouraging, but will try to find that silver lining, glass half full mindset.

Sprint has merged with T Mobile, and the Sprint IP Relay site is now rebranded and slightly different. I can still use it but after a decade of seeing a familiar screen, adjustment is tough.

Google Logins and Passwords has completely erased my list of 112! Curious though, since I had to look up a frequently used password yesterday, entered something from my list. I got a very nice message in small read letters which said: Password changed 8 months ago. EIGHT MONTHS AGO? Seems this year has been gobbled up by depression. OK, so be it. I knew I had to address my lapses and now I really do.

WARNING: VENTING
Next SNAFU: My primary credit card has been rebranded and I was taken to a new log in page. (It took 2 tries for the password reset mail to reach me). So, when it finally did, I was taken to a page which showed only 2 fields. New Password and Confirm Password. After I carefully wrote my 10 digit one on paper, typed slowly, the next result was a new page which said, with a RED BOX at the top, OLD PASSWORD incorrect. I did it twice. And since the genius who made that page will never hear my frustration, HELLO SWEETHEART, GET YOUR STUFF Two GETH ER! So I had to call their multi-layered 888 number and after going down 3 sub menus finally got a living person with two working brain cells.

I attempted to explain the problem, but alas our time was better spent on the temporary code. I got in, logged out, logged in again then bookmarked.

The final straw was actually earlier this AM, but moving the chronology to the top, so illustration purposes. I am paying for a Paramount + subscription and one of the shows I watch is under this umbrella. Season 6 is available, but despite being logged in, it shows I have to pay!!!! Since it's Amazon, getting actual help is like going to another country without a passport. I'll wait a couple days and see if it pans out.

END OF VENT

Ending on a happy note, I went out, got an RX walked to my car, (after a 20 minute phone call to set it up) I bought 12 cans of canned fruit, 8 peaches, 4 pears on sale-360 Organic brand.

[Not Alone]

BeeKeeper, just dropping in to say hi. 
Not Alone

[sanmagic7]

bookmarking some of those pages sounds like a great idea.  thanks for sharing.  i want to keep that in mind.  it sounds really helpful.  sending love and some violets with their cheery little faces.

[Armee]

Oh all those tech and password challenges make me feel like hyperventilating just reading about them!

[BeeKeeper]

Good morning!

Not Alone Hey, thanks for dropping in.
san, those violets do indeed have happy faces, created for cheering up!
Armee, I feel the same hyper-ventilation. Often.

My apologies for allowing free rein of digital frustrations yesterday, it built up until a mini-explosion. It's not in any realm different than what people deal with daily, so excuse the digression!

October 9

My big goal for today is to make banana bread AND molasses cookie dough. I have made little preparations to pull it off. The cookie dough will be refrigerated for a day, so planning on baking tomorrow. Earlier this week, I got fluffy white bread (a no-no) to make French toast and added lots of molasses, which reminded me how much I love those cookies. IMO only bread which contains no white wheat flour is worthy. Plus, I require at least 7-9 added grains and seeds. (Love the crunch!)

I unexpectedly found myself drawn to the containers where I store my previously finished necklaces. There are a few pieces that I've reworked over the years and now want to rework yet again! This time, with some new clasps, which I'm buying from the person who made the KumiPlanner site. http://www.lythastudios.com/123bead/kumiplanner.html She's got a robust inventory and is now one of the top sellers, no wonder! Having those magnetic end clasps for my braids set off another purchase, and now I'm feeling motivated. Wow,  at last.

In another unexpected twist, I am reading my rented textbook on Early Civilization, despite dropping the class a week ago. There is a whole chapter devoted to the rise of Christianity. Clifford Backman is the author. His scholarship is excellent and I enjoy reading it. Bottom line, if I had read this one chapter before I spent time in Divinity school 10 years ago, I could have saved myself time. For those readers who may not know, I was raised in a cult and am determined to understand those primary influences in light of reality.

Update: attempting a photo attachment of 2 pans of banana bread. Wow! Not having any loaf pans turned out in my favor. Used shallow pans, and split the batter. Wish I'd thought of this earlier! Not only baked through with no doughy middle spot, but completely outrageously delicious!