Out of the Storm

May 22

One week post-op from biopsy under anesthesia; continued physical self care and now focused on psychic balance. No pathology shown in test results and some uncertainty with direction of medical care. My daily perspective is on gentleness with myself and acceptance of my own frailties.

I am waiting for grade posting from a course I took remotely this spring. Since I'm audit status, this means virtually nothing, but I have invested meaning in whether Mr.  PhD. recognizes my efforts, or whether he will continue his 4 months long passive-aggressive behavior. Although I'd like to claim a victim status, i recognize my own complicity in our process. Still untangling all the threads, which have formed a tight knotted ball of confusion with only 3 or 4 ways I've repeated unworkable strategies.

Friday night's epiphany was using the energy previously turned outward to reclaim my strength by being compassionate with myself. I have not indulged in any compulsive behaviors today and plan on marking each day a success by continuing to choose well.

Hi BeeKeeper (previously known as BeHea1thy) - I missed you, and I am delighted that you are back - I am glad that you don't have any pathology shown on your test results.  That sounds like a good outcome.  I like your perspective on gentleness with yourself and acceptance of your own frailties, that sounds like good self-care.

Sending you a welcome back hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope! I'm happy to see you again. I definitely need hugs and gratefully accept.  :hug:

May 23

My bibliotherapy efforts have changed in the last 14 months. I allow myself to take "small bites" of heavy material in order to digest and feel reverberations. I have access to libraries in 2 counties as well as college, which gives me access to nearby states. My ebook shelf includes Your Resonant Self by Sarah Peyton and Choosing Compassion by Aram Thubten. Recently I was in a familiar victimized place mentally and thought about allowing and exploring a previously rejected thought; compassion. Kristen Neff's book was unavailable so I checked out others instead.

Today has lost yesterday's confidence, but that's OK. I'm learning to observe myself and make adjustments and corrections throughout the day. Yesterday, a small hematoma spontaneously appeared below my right eye for no apparent reason. Hypervigilence and fear left me pondering which MD to ask about it. For now, it's wait and see. In January this year, I had another BCC removed from the bridge of my nose and it's quite close to the incision.

My D got married and had a baby in 2020. My granddaughter is now 6 months old. Last night, D sent a text message with photo of her blackened artichokes and key lime pie. She mentioned it was a date night, and I had to wonder, why was she "including" me? Came up empty of that, but admit I would have liked both, especially the pie! Instead, I cooked some fresh rhubarb with a tiny amount of sugar and water.

Every day I ease off a bit on my perfectionism and goal oriented lifestyle. I'm learning how to relax and give myself space and room to feel.

Welcome back  :hug:  Sounds like your road has been a bit bumpy what with the biopsy (glad it was negative) and the course.  One thing I've learned is that old ghosts and behaviours can rise back to the surface when we're under stress - glad to see you're working on self-compassion and care  :thumbup: :applause:

 :hug:

Kizzie and Armadillo, thank you for the encouragement.  :grouphug:

May 24

Unexpectedly retreated to bed for a significant part of the afternoon and evening. Previously, would have brutalized myself with condemnation, but am learning to just be and do without craziness of self-judgment. I am taking the University of Colorado Trauma study and recognized immediately that answering questions about identifiable events caused not only that event, but peripheral memories to gush to the surface. Realistically, that is to be expected, although I forgot about that. That's OK, because growth requires some "discomfort"- I'd like to dictate what KIND of discomfort I can tolerate,  :blahblahblah: but it doesn't work that way. The most surprising thing I've learned recently is how laden some experiences are with multiple levels of meaning and the ability to branch out like a root system to touch many areas of life.

Woke up feeling same/old same/old, with a bit of anger. I am impatient with myself, but now I'm feeling somewhat centered & preparing for my Zoom therapy session at noon.

Since my awakening from anesthesia last Friday afternoon, there's been an undercurrent of pure gratitude for life itself and all those people and places in it which allow me to feel safe, secure and stable. I smelled lilacs as I entered my favorite patio and am so glad my senses are unimpaired. Continued reading about resonance and amazingly, it makes a lot of sense. I keep wanting to have a predictable healing trajectory, ever upward. Old expectations still kicking.

Ever upward Beekeeper, ever upward  :thumbup:  and  :hug:

Quote from: BeeKeeper on May 24, 2021, 02:54:11 PM
The most surprising thing I've learned recently is how laden some experiences are with multiple levels of meaning and the ability to branch out like a root system to touch many areas of life.

Hi Beekeeper,
Yes, I think that root system definitely reaches out to many areas of life.  Multiple levels of meaning - I relate to that too. 

I thought it was great that you allowed yourself to be in bed in the afternoon and evening, and that you did so without self-judgement, I think that is self-care and freedom of choice that I think is good to respect.

Hope  :)

Yes Kizzie, onward and upward. Hope, still learning about how events affect me. Glad that you relate.

May 25

This morning was the second consecutive day that my Zoom links were not input and I had to mount last minute "requests." The Compassion Book by Pema Chodron became available last night, and good thing too because it helped me deal with the stress. I won't get into detail now, but one preliminary thought is Drive all blames into one. This caught my eye and I looked up other commentaries. The premise is that when things go wrong, people want to assign blame, and that by doing so (in a certain way) that we exclude ourselves. On the other end of this blaming spectrum, some people disproportionately take on ALL the responsibility and that's equally damaging. I'm in the baby steps of my journey to understand and reconfigure habitual ways of thinking, so over time, I'm sure I'll gain more. The upshot is what little thinking I DID do seems to have an effect because I cheerfully told my therapist that what happened was the norm, and I'd gotten used to it-did not harbor any anger or grudge. Also, after voicing extremely rigid and judgmental thoughts about my final grade and the professor's guilt or innocence, I was able to see how ridiculous I've been. To top it all off, despite not doing a term paper worth 25% of my grade, he actually raised my grade from 98% to 99%! A complete surprise which I interpreted as buying the hatchet.

An explanatory note about the feud: I am deaf and use implanted electronics to hear. This is possible through use of an external processor, held onto my head by a magnet. Although I had very high hopes to regain social function with my new hearing status, reality is such that I still can't use voice on the phone, understand speech through masks or understand media without English captions. Our conflict occurred because many people are new to using platforms like Zoom, Meet, Webex, etc. A lot of teachers don't know how to use technology for their recorded lectures and some even venture out to use platforms not supported by their educational institution. This was my case. We both found out too late about assumptions concerning the "ease" of adding captioning. Over the 4 months of the course, I was hampered by getting captions 2-3 days late, not being able to meaningfully contribute, etc.  :blahblahblah: I alternated between casual "reminders",  :whistling: burning rage and anger  :pissed:  (which I didn't share) and giddy feelings of worthiness when material was captioned "on time."  :cheer: I could see myself swinging wildly through this cycle and hated myself for it.

Rest helped me gain a more rational view with strategies to prevent the same scenario or minimize it. I was able to move from black and white thinking (Oh God, school is a closed door for me, nobody will ever get it, I'm forced to be isolated forever) to more gray (this person didn't seem to truly appreciate the consequences for me, perhaps the next instructor will) and even more crucial, allow myself to bail out when the situation is not remedied! Some virtues have been perverted by trauma, in particular, loyalty in the face of overwhelming evidence when it is not warranted. My time to extract myself from unworkable relationships is getting shorter and shorter. From years to months!  :applause: That's my main goal, to realize this and act on it sooner.

Oops, looks like I "lost" an original post for today.

May 26

Feels a little bit like a time warp, like it should be the weekend. Talked yesterday via Zoom to the medication NP and confirmed small increase in SSRI which I'd done for a week already. For some reason, she's really special, I feel heard, cared for and safe whenever we talk. We also laugh a lot and she's able to reassure me about all my issues.

Today was a small retail therapy session, with a nightgown and new lingerie. For the past 12 years, I've confined my shopping to thrifts simply due to finances, so it was a bit shocking to walk into a store and not worry about airing out the clothes and compulsory washing before wearing. I missed the "new clothes" smell. I woke up today with a Smokey Robinson song in my heart. Feels good to revisit my old self.

Finally understood how constant self criticism and rejection of myself results in over emphasis on getting validation and attention from others. The first step is to be aware and mindful of the self-talk and if it's negative, stop it and replace with a different narrative.

Hooray for treating yourself well with new clothing! That's awesome and you deserve it! Thanks for sharing the book on compassion. Blame. Sigh.

Thank you Armadillo. It sure is nice to feel "worthy". Shame, the never ending journey. I love books and will share anything I think might help.

May 27

Sometimes I plan writing in advance, like starting this post with "the honeymoon is over"-however, on analysis, that shows me that my fantasies are still strong, with a belief in perfection, a brief attainment of such and then, BOOM. Disappointment, depression, blame and sadness. So, I think what is better is that the ship of life is rocking a bit on the stormy seas, but I'll find I can cope.

The Colorado Trauma Study is technologically complex with 2 particular app downloads, pages and pages of instructions, etc.  :aaauuugh: It took me 2 days to work through understanding everything. Last night I took my first feelings survey at 9 PM. Apparently it had been sitting there all day and I didn't know. I misunderstood the process and sent my results no less than 4 times. No one can say I'm not persistent! When I realized my mistake, I felt those old feelings-like someone had compressed me and all the air was out of my lungs. I was able to recognize a flashback, take steps to remedy and although it took 2 hours, I made it to sleep. My conscious wanted to take the matter further and I had dreams of toxic qualities.

Even so, I decided to get up and come into the world to face a computer at the library at 9 AM. Although I have a computer at home, if I stay at home, I won't get much done unless I force myself.

Recovery is a hard uphill climb. For me, it means training myself catch every thought and replace it with something different. Theoretically I understand how the ultimate purpose of the "inner critic" is to keep ourselves safe, warn of danger, etc.  :blink: Since I'm a big believer in the Chinese proverb attributed to Laozi the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step I know those single steps continue, day after day. All day long.

I can't say accurately when I first found the forum, 2014, 2015? I've been on and off since then, working through cancer, caretaking, pet euthanasia, grief, no contact, low contact, and resurrecting the best parts of myself. I can attest to the value to working on my issues and see that I've made progress. Every therapy session, book, person and experience has something to teach, if I can be open to the lesson. Pema Chodron's book, although meant to be soothing, is quite triggering for me, because it requires me to think about a state of mind and being I may never be able to attain. This thought formed the foundation of much of my 13th year of life, but substitute Christian Science for Buddhism. I keenly felt my inadequacies of buying into my "perfect" status as a "child of God" and consequently started pulling out my hair to cope with this anxiety.

Trichotillomania has two components, biological and psychological, according to the foremost authority, Dr. Fred Penzel. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/199829.The_Hair_Pulling_Problem (https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/199829.The_Hair_Pulling_Problem) I've even written to him and he's answered me! (heart emoticon here) The behavior has ebbed and flowed for all my life, but COVID-19 set me back to age 13 and I've stayed there. Dr. Penzel recommends a soft acceptance. I haven't reached that yet. That's enough for now.

Quote from: BeeKeeper on May 27, 2021, 01:44:26 PM
I love books and will share anything I think might help.

Hi BeeKeeper,
You shared so much in your previous journals as BeHea1thy, and I appreciated your warmth and generosity in doing that.  I read your journal today - I think you're doing well to negotiate that stuff with the Colorado Trauma Study - I didn't think I could negotiate it, so I left it alone - which I know is not helpful to them, but I'm not in a good time space to contemplate that - but I am trying to say that I admire the fact you've been giving it a go.

Anyway, sending you a supportive hug, and here it is  :hug:    I liked your description that 'the ship of life is rocking a bit on the stormy seas' and especially that you added 'but I'll find I can cope' - that is suggesting to me you're sailing your ship and managing. 

Hope  :)

Good morning Hope,

Thank you for your encouragement with the Trauma Study. It requires a lot of energy and when I'm through perhaps I'll write a separate post about it. You've been a steady presence here and always kind. I appreciate that. You may notice I've changed my avatar from Pink Panther to a girl in a sinking row boat. The water metaphors have always been my favorite.

May 28

Yesterday I had a brief chat outside with the college president as we were walking into/out of the main entrance. I've reached out in the past, and gotten a lukewarm response. He knew exactly who I was, mask and all. and persistently asked me how I was. I made hand motions of a wave form, and said I'm still finding my "sea legs." I asked a bit about his perspective, fall plans and he told me how he approaches current challenges. I complimented him on his attitude and then spent the rest of the morning thinking about it. There's a range of responses to the pandemic, academic, cultural, personal, etc. Depending on your place or niche, it varies. I've admired those who have kept their "cool" held on to constancy and continued to function more or less the way they always have.

The Colorado Study is an eye opener for me. I wasn't quite sure how I was going to react and find that it changes every day. The first thing is I have had trouble identifying my symptoms, despite being in an online PTSD group recommended by my therapist. When I say trouble, I mean willingness to define and attribute symptoms to a persistent inability to cope. Sure, I know my own behaviors, but I'm still resistant to acknowledging maladaptive choices do not take me where I want to go. Yesterday I had an "aha" moment, and realized that being confronted with specific questions about specific feelings 3 times a day was perhaps a desensitization technique and that bringing awareness and integrating all memories is a good path. Twleve years ago, I entered trauma therapy for the first time. I was SO uninformed, but continuing to take that "single step" daily.

Sarah Peyton's book https://www.yourresonantself.com/ (https://www.yourresonantself.com/) is starting to gain some traction. Her language is what draws me in; gentle, soft, empowering.

I live in "senior" housing, 6 floors, 120 aparttments. In the foyer is a whiteboard with small plastic letters/numbers to designate apartment and tenant. I came home yesterday to find the manager and assistant manager picking up hundreds of tiny objects which had fallen out of their sorting box.   :'(   I immediately felt compassion, pity and a desire to help. No arm twisting required. I felt that their unexpected, unsolicited help in scheduling me for the vaccine warranted a concrete "pay it forward" response. I felt useful and also got to use up some old bead containers which had been languishing unused for several years. Win-win.

May 29

"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." 

Quote from: BeeKeeper on May 29, 2021, 12:28:03 PM
May 29

"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."

I love that quote and find it true in my life right now. But you've left quite a cliffhanger!

That was kind of you to help pick up the spilled objects.

Uh, Armadillo, I didn't mean to do that! :doh: Only that I wanted a place holder for a number of swirling thoughts which I wanted to sort out and write about later. 

Anyway, the 3 times a day trauma study is like water dripping on a stone. At first you ignore it, then you notice it, then well, it depends on your perspective. One thing I do when confronted with things which appear to be repetitious or pattern oriented is to take time to break it down. Take each question, analyze it for general content, then group according to similar questions. Since all this is designed to elicit "spontaneous" responses, I don't want to ruin the study and give too much away. All I can say is there are 13 questions which come into a survey software and you can choose the time intervals. For me, it's 8:30 AM, 12:30 PM and 6:30 PM. This has had the consequence of keeping me attuned to my mental state, and watching/observing myself when memories crop up. The toughest time is to answer at 8:30 AM, not because I'm sleepy, but because the last couple of nights have been filled with vivid emotionally laden dreams which are now condensing different parts of my life into one time period.  :no: There's a struggle to "come out of it" with headache, going back to bed and other similar bodily resistance. But overall, I can say definitely that this is the ticket for me to accelerate coming to terms with the past and how to slowly, gently, cautiously integrate it into my life. I never expected the study to do much for me, and am doing it only for the experience but have to say that this is my current "teacher."

My main lesson last night was to limit my viewing of streaming media before bed to innocuous or comedy themed shows. Nothing heavy.

Since my last operation 2 weeks ago, I've identified that part of me which craves safety, security and warmth. So, there's a shift towards inviting my little lost, abandoned self into the conscious world of old age, and seeing what natural, normal things I can do to fulfill those needs.

For those of you who don't know, I sew little tiny beads together with needle and thread to create wearable jewelry or just to make 3 dimensional geometric objects for the challenge and fun of it. I have a DBA on file in 2 counties, but haven't sold anything in a year or two. I've discovered a peyote technique for earrings called Russian Leaf and am on my 5th pair. I embellish very small beads with crystals, bigger beads or make a little loop for an ear wire. After completing one with unsatisfactory results, I tried a number of alternative designs. Nothing hit the spot for me. I considered driving to the nearest stores 60 miles round trip and decided against it. After all, getting the perfect finish for a creation is what led me to accumulate 5 times as much as I need. The choices were to wait until Wednesday, when I have 3 appointments "in town" or come up with something good enough and try that feeling out. I chose the latter. I have 99% and will wait for the remaining 1%. Waiting has been a problem for me, so this is good practice!

Haha. I liked it. It made me think.

Your beading sounds beautiful. That is hard work! I tried to do that once just with the easy daisy chain and couldn't figure it out.

It's kind of you to invite that little part of you needing safety and security and comfort into your life.

The trauma study sounds intense! And a bit intrusive. But good for keeping awareness.

Armadillo,

Starting with a complex pattern like a daisy chain is ambitious. If you're feeling adventurous, you might try again with a small, simple project which can be completed in an hour or so. Beading has brought me healing and joy, although I vehemently rejected it at first.

Yes, the study is intrusive and intense, but I've managed to assign it a place where it doesn't overwhelm me any more, In fact when I experience symptoms now, my first thought is not a spiral, but how I'm going to rate it! That's the analytical part of me which has helped keep me afloat.  :bigwink:

May 30

I've resumed my prior BeHea1thy behavior and started posting about Your Resonant Self in the Books section. It's also nice to see some of my prior posts have survived my 2019 withdrawal from the forum and I'm glad because I am considering trying some books again.

Yesterday, early morning, I discovered one of my cochlear implant accessories, a remote control did not turn on. I was not alarmed immediately because I didn't want to confront reality. I assigned a benign fixable cause, the battery needed recharging. Later I discovered the device is dead. A new one costs $350. Having an implant is like having a computer, only worse; you must replace things only made by that manufacturer, there's  no shopping for the lowest price elsewhere.  :'(
Being a holiday weekend here in the USA, I'm forced to wait until Tuesday to order and by Friday, I should have a new one.

Fortunately, despite 2 in person appointments this week, I think I can get by with what I have that still working. If it wasn't the remote replacement, it would have been a car repair. Periodically I fantasize about making real headway on savings and getting a new car to replace my 15 year old wheels.

I've been post-menopausal for 25 years, and started bleeding in 2020. Every single day. Not much, but enough to concern me and a bunch of gyn MDs. Fast forward through 6 in office procedures, one anesthetized procedure and post op, it's stopped. For how long is anybody's guess. Last night I dreamed about it all. and it was quite intense. Fortunately for me, I was able to put that fear in its place and accept it finally came out from my subconscious. This was the first time I dreamed about it. Even if it's not the last, I'm OK with it. My biopsy was clear and no pathology is present.  I am insanely grateful.  :cheer:

June 1

Memorial Day post was glitched by laptop computer and I lost it. Lesson: enter posts on desktop, always.

Two victories today. First, I will not have to replace my processor remote, at least this week. After calling tech support and getting a reprieve, I feel wonderful. Little things have been going wrong with the unit over the past 3 months, so I think it may be on the way to the recycle bin. It's nice to know I can prepare in advance. A reboot was necessary, and all is temporarily well.

Second, I accomplished a goal which I made last night. When reviewing my medical record, I saw that some important information entered 2 weeks ago was replaced by useless data. This appears to be the new era of electronic medical records, and I learned I must print the day I see it, otherwise, I must track down the physician and get their notes. After two phone calls, and one message, SUCCESS! A same day resolution wasn't even on the expectation list. It only verified my initial impression of this M.D. Outstanding and went the second mile.

Some memory issues have been in the foreground for me since I started my SSRI, primarily "de compartmentalization." Now I discovered that it may not be due to the meds alone, but due to my age (old!) The Peyton book addresses this specifically and I will post in the book thread on Thursday. Tomorrow is travel day and recovery from the same.

June 3

Sarah Peyton introduces Brain Concept: The Default Mode Network (DMN) which is a way the brain uses itself automatically. It shifts attention between our external and internal worlds. It brings together memory and thought and integrates both of these with our sense of self. "...neuroscientists have recently discovered that as soon as we stop asking our brain to do something that has an external focus, it automatically starts to try to integrate our life and manage the world of social interconnection." The reason this was important to me is that it explains my nightly hours long "sleep latency" when I find myself problem solving unintentionally in a dark room with my eyes closed.

I met with 4 of my favorite women yesterday, my T, 2 friends and the owner of a bead shop where I get affirmation and positive attention. Plus that, add 2 in person hugs, and my day was great. I've got the necessary materials to finish my earrings, and some additional stones to design something new. One friend is a Reverend and master seamstress, who offered to teach me how to use my small serger sewing machine. I've never had one, bought it 3 months ago, haven't touched it, but read 2 manuals and promptly was scared off.

My D's pictures of family vacation with everyone (but me) caused this huge wave of self-pity. I haven't held my 6 month old granddaughter although got 2 nice photos this AM. I know I'm not alone in this regard.

June 4

Last night for 3 hours I struggled with triggers of past violence. Before I resigned myself to a wakeful night, I took time to read a little of Tara Brach's Radical Compassion. https://www.tarabrach.com/radical-compassion/ (https://www.tarabrach.com/radical-compassion/) I allowed her words to sink in to what I call the second layer of brain cells, and glad I did. I was calmed and slept soundly for 8 hours!

Today I woke up and felt more like my positive and strong self. Actually happy! Nothing had changed except my perspective. Tara calls our fearful way of living a "trance" and the objective is to live life with awareness; either painful or pleasant.

I had enough confidence to sit down at the sewing machine and make a small change to a jacket by covering up a previously embroidered name. This has taken me over a month to do, mostly because I wanted perfection. I settled for good enough and recalled no one had EVER stopped me and harassed me for uneven seams or an asymmetrical design. Time to give my critic a serious vacation! 

My D shared a story of how much she loved her new dental hygienist; gentle, compassionate, wonderful with the kids-then the punchline she had the same first name and birthday as I do. Naturally I interpreted that to mean she "wished" I were the same, and how much I didn't live up to this ideal. Later I settled on the most positive interpretation, and said to myself, "this is how she might see me."

BeeKeeper...this was amazingly enlightening to read how you were so quickly able and willing to adjust your perspective. Its actually super hard to do!  :cheer:

Thanks for the encouragement Armadillo-yes, it's very hard.

June 5

Today I'm experimenting with coping strategies. I do a small anxiety provoking task, then something neutral-repeat, repeat, repeat. This seems to work right now. I'm keeping my thoughts on the RAIN acronym from Tara Brach: Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture. I used this when an old Motown song started running through my mind right after waking up. I asked myself what did this song mean to me, (unrequited love) then how did I feel about it (shame) then I dug a little deeper and saw that I didn't have to automatically start my day with critical self-judgment. Instead I asked what does this mean underneath all that and it was loneliness.

The one thing that came to mind a couple nights ago was that I am complete in myself, and not created to be a half-person who is continually waiting for someone else to come riding in on their horse and rescue me. So, I swiveled my perspective and started caring for myself mundane ways-(washing dishes, grooming, shaping and finishing earrings) appreciating my life and shelter, opening the curtains and turning on the fan. Now, the song has been replaced by a more upbeat one, and I'm feeling satisfied.

June 6

Communication opportunities over the weekend. My D wants me to travel 400+ miles to visit her and her family. It's either riding with my GS, flying, or renting a car and driving myself. GS smokes, is not vaccinated, flying out of the question and my physical and mental stamina is wanting. We are unfortunately separated by something more basic; conspiracy theories. I'm at the end of my 60th decade, everyone else is significantly younger and have traveled all over despite restrictions. The emotional pain this causes is huge. I decided to wait out the next 2-3 years to see what course science and people take.

I was able to plainly state to my D I would not be visiting this summer. We usually "dance" around, her begging, me promising. This time, I definitely said no, but told her I think of it daily and will know when the time is right.

This morning, I went to the cafe area of a nearby store and did my usual hygiene practice of wiping down the table I sit at as well as the chair. A staff member who knows me (and cleans tables) said, "When I've come from this area, I've done my job." I replied, "It's just habit, I do it every time. It's nothing personal." I'm satisfied with myself for saying something neutral and attempting to deflect her anger, but sad that she allowed herself to make the comment.

One more day of Trauma Survey questions. The seemingly incessant reminders have trained me to observe myself and access my functioning. I can identify with greater frequency when something has set me off, whereas before this, I was so focused on distractions, I missed it entirely. That in itself is a pretty big benefit.

My custom made earring ear wires arrived yesterday and now I can make things which go with silver. However, in the back of my mind, I'm starting to think about buying supplies and tools and doing it myself. I've never liked wire work, so there's still some resistance to overcome.

For the last 2 months, I've allowed myself to take afternoon naps. It's usually just a "reset" to feeling grumpy or overwhelmed or sad. I hated doing it, but now I'm starting to like it! The task oriented pushing pushing pace of the last decades has finally caught up with me, and it feels strange to slack off in such a blatant way!

I really love how clearly you are able to express your needs and boundaries without being hurtful or doubting yourself. You got some wisdom there!

I'm sorry you can't see your daughter again this year though. It's sad she won't do what needs to be done to allow you to be able to visit.

Thank you for the support about boundaries Armadillo. It's taken a very long time to learn!

June 7

Nedra Glover Tawab wrote Set Boundaries, Find Peace. https://www.nedratawwab.com/my-book (https://www.nedratawwab.com/my-book) In her first chapter, What the Heck Are Boundaries? she begins with the "over-sharer". ARGH! Resistance plus! Recently I became aware of oversharing inappropriately with a person I respected. I considered apologizing, but decided to do so might be interpreted as a bid for further attention. Instead I simply said "I have regained my perspective." Life goes forward and the best I can do is keep the lessons of the recent past in mind when communicating, with
everyone.

Those who know me from before may remember my long care taking journey of a sibling, 16 years now. I'm in the process of setting my last boundary, having myself removed as her executrix on her will. This has stalled out for 4 months, and although efforts have been made on both our parts, it's started to move up my priority list. This morning, I decided I have to take action if I want to protect myself. Low and behold, in my USPS Informed Delivery I see a letter awaits from her. I don't believe anything has changed, and think I will still have to spend $$ to accomplish my goal-more later.

My big epiphany this past month is about self-love, or more particularly, the consequences of self-hatred and rejection. If I continue to listen to self talk which involves criticism and rejection, that sets me up for "finding" love, acceptance and validation from others. Insidiously, this perpetuates a cycle. The more I look outside to others for feeling good, the more it is likely to be hit or miss. I can get high on those responses which uplift me, but then plunge into the depths when their responses are not nurturing or helpful. So, I am continually at the mercy of others. Just like in the "old days" of powerless childhood! So, I made an effort to challenge every single thought, all day long, about my worth, whether it is buried in a memory, or a simple statement. I can see movement towards more emotional stability and feel more confident. Naturally, my impatience struggles to be heard, "why can't this go FASTER?!" but I recognize that too. It goes at its own pace. No rushing growth.

BeeKeeper,  I appreciate you sharing your journey and reflections as it helps guide me in my similar experiences.  I've also been navigating self love especially in contrast to rejection and judgment of myself.

In my exploration of self compassion, I keep coming across the work of Kristin Neff.  She has a website with a lot of information about self compassion.  One aspect of her work really rubs me the wrong way at times -  I also come across in other areas too not specific to her which is the idea of connecting my experience to broader, universal experiences of all people.  Sometimes I am ok with other, but other times I am not.  I do not always feel the ability to find compassion for people that use harmful means to express their own anxiety, depression, trauma, or whatever.  I'm not sure that I'm being asked to do that, but I find a lot of resistance there. 

Yet, I do see that being hard on myself makes me hard on others.  Right now often the best I can do when I'm struggling is say to myself, "This is suffering, all people suffer, may I be kind with myself." 

Hello rainydiary!

Quote"This is suffering, all people suffer, may I be kind with myself."

I like the way you acknowledge your resistance and the way you have chosen to affirm yourself in times of suffering. I too feel exactly the way you do; many times reading about compassionate writing from Neff, Brach and others puts me off and I feel curdled inside. I felt this way about Pete Walker, Van Der Kolk and other biggies in the recovery field. My perspective and viewpoint after 25 years of bibliotherapy is to treat everything like a buffet.

Just because it's there, doesn't mean you'll like it, are ready for it, or can understand it. My behavior has yielded some benefits; if I'm not ready, I return it or pass on using. If I sense it's valid, but triggering, I do the same. I'm revisiting the subject after outright rejection a decade ago, and find even now, I must pick and choose. The good thing about Brach is that she addresses these very questions in her Radical Compassion writing. Of course you have to get far enough to find it!
IMO the most important aspect is to individually identify something that you can use NOW and when it no longer works, look for something else.

June 8

It is indeed a rainy and gray day here after unrelenting heat and sunshine. That's fine with me because I'm no longer in love with blinding light! It may be due to skin cancer, or the long, long hours of the afternoon, but I find myself perking up a bit when the sky is neutral blue/gray. Along with the changes about daylight, I'm going through changes about nighttime sleeping. I enclosed myself in a "tomb", with custom made insulated light blocking window covers, put black electrical tape over the green smoke detector light and closed my bedroom door. The faint light at the bottom of the bathroom door shed the only light in the room. Now I'm leaving the window and curtains open, the door open and if I feel the need to retreat, do so at 2:00 AM. Not only am I getting air circulation, but I am feeling bit better when the daylight comes in.

In prior days, I would occasionally make "feather lite pancakes" which used 2 tablespoons of baking powder and made the batter rise ridiculously high. I've perfected the recipe over the years. Then an episode of depression hit, and I didn't make them for 6 months or more.

I didn't recognize the depression because it was bundled into COVID-19 anxiety. Finally, when I dreaded getting up each day, I asked for "help." Predictably it was slow in coming, but by sheer force of will I hung on. Even after starting a (new to me) SSRI, it took another couple months to grab a hold. In those 2 months I embarrassed myself, sometimes publicly, mostly privately with the realization I was replaying old, old, inappropriate coping strategies.

A curious thing started to happen, in that I suddenly became very aware of my behavior, and what "made me" do certain things. I noticed when I shut down and how I handled it. I noticed when I became agitated and what I did with the energy. I learned a lot, and sometimes it felt like I was going through some withdrawal from a tried and true, albeit inadequate lifetime of self-sabotage. I should search for a better word, or concept, because it wasn't all bad, but certainly the majority of it was. On the plus side, I've been granted an oversize dose of (ethnic) stubbornness. Either way, that persistence has helped me carry on, through thick and thin. So the end of this story is I made pancakes today and they turned out better than ever.

An intense care taking investment on my part resulted in self-abandonment. That's been true for years now, and I've worked hard to come back to myself and regain the limited control I had over my own life. Sure, I managed to grind along, but the old goals of streamlined super organization eluded me. Now perhaps that is unrealistic. Still, I'm slowly crawling back and clawing back my life inch by inch. Sometimes in spurts, lulls and very slow progress, but I feel it happening. I guess the energy it takes to bloom can't be directed as I'd like.

I'm sorry you were in a prolonged and exceptionally draining care taking situation and am joyful for you to finally cross that last hurdle of removing yourself as executor of the will. I am also ecstatic for you that you managed to pull out of the latest intense bout of depression and perfected those perfect and long-abandoned pancakes! Yum!

Armadillo,

Thanks for sharing the joy! The efforts to remove myself from executrix is not a "fait accompli"  but I'm closer than I've ever been.  The pancakes are great with either maple syrup or a local homemade strawberry rhubarb jam. (Jam straight from the jar is good too!)

June 9

Wow! I guess June 8 was my day. I felt somewhat more normal than ever, and managed to do a massive amount of regular "work" which means I did the nitty gritty of calling, filing, shredding, Marie Kondo clean up, etc. After all that I managed to start a new bead project, which bombed a little but I can take lessons from it. I forced myself to attend to kitchen issues, chipping away at the mound on the dirty side. This area is known as a "galley" layout, and very small. Sink on one side, stove, frig on the other, about 10 feet in length. Cozy!

I managed to keep my cool and talk a rep at a newspaper down $30 in subscription renewal.  :cheer:  I typed up a small health history list, directly related to all the times I've been under anesthesia, (10) for future reference. I read the news without freaking out. I slept OK and feel good today. My trauma survey is done, but yet to be concluded by the study staff. I moved a couple things in my studio for aesthetic purposes. I'm getting closer to doing my own laundry, instead of spending 3 times as much with wash & fold service.  Small things, but big in their impact.

The most important is I'm able to "sit with" feelings of grief about missing someone. The difference is that before I used to feed those feelings once they came by recalling lots of memories, and then dissociate by sleeping or zoning out watching movies. Now I let the single thought in, allow it without encouragement, and it passes more quickly this way. I'm able to ground myself in the present and continue with what I'm doing.

I've acknowledged that I can be very reactive and to counteract that I need to practice various things ALL DAY LONG! Effort? yes, but living the way I was took too much from me.

 :cheer:

It can be so rewarding to have a day that feels so good. 

yup, rainydiary.

June 10

The pendulum has swung to the opposite side. But, that's life. I experimented with some behaviors yesterday; not avoiding "external reminders." Oops. Not ready for that. Regression started out slowly but accelerated when I saw marvelous wedding photos of a friend afterwards. I managed to get a grip later in the day, had vivid intense dreams, and got up late, feeling drugged and numb. Not numb enough to not know what the heck happened, but certainly in a state to make a short term guilt inducing choice.

Even so, I'm OK with a slight set back. The reason is that no growth is perfectly linear, however much I fantasize it can or will be. My Amazon gift card awaits for my Trauma Study and I sent a feedback mail to the organizer. I learned the most from the last part, 3 times a day symptomology questions because they woke me up from a place of denial and although the first few days were "rough" because it interrupted my carefully crafted distraction strategies, I came to appreciate that an awareness without going full throttle was beneficial.

I can't remember who writes about tolerating uncertainty, but that seems to be the new name of the game. I know I've always had trouble with this, and it's no surprise considering my life. But I find that all the things I used to resist and reject are coming around for me, offering a second chance.

Speaking of second chances, I figured out how I could "save" a little project after small experimentation. I originally thought I'd design an intentional colorway with turquoise. Now after getting down to it, I am going in another direction of randomly using similar hues. Not everything needs to be carefully charted, or "scripted" in advance.  :doh: Ah, giving up control!  :applause:

I'm grateful to be alive, untouched physically by pandemic illness. I've given myself space to grieve, suffer, make mistakes, grow and appreciate small graces in life. I'm supported by a wonderful medical "care" team which sometimes replaces the friends I wish I had. Even so, I'm lucky to live in a civilized time in history (relatively) with access to things I didn't have when I was younger.

I can relate so much to how the pendulum swings the other way.  One side always feels so much heavier and less fleeting than the other for me.  I appreciate what you wrote and hope you are able to find some ease.

 :hug:

Thanks rainydiary and Armadillo  :hug: to both of you.

June 11

Yesterday afternoon, I remembered a small quilt shop in a "quaint village" 13 miles away. I plotted the route and this morning took the back roads (scenic route) both ways. Other than a minor navigational glitch (my own mind!) when I arrived, everything was smooth. I'd emailed beforehand, so I could have a conversation with the appropriate person about their open sew times. One thing led to another and I ended up arranging for possible tutoring on my ancient 4 thread serger. After a slow, soulful tour of each nook and cranny, I purchased 3 fabrics and walked away feeling good.

Next stop a car dealership I've wanted to check out for 2 years, and was met by a very clean cut man who listened well. It turns out cars cost more and more these days, and I left with 2 photos of something I can't afford, but maybe he'll look for the same thing, only older. We exchanged contact info, and I'm hopeful in a couple months, I'll be driving new wheels and hyperventilating about my car loan.

Dunkin Donuts makes a very fine apple fritter!

My D wants to resurrect a very complicated custom chair cover I made 3 years ago for her business. We went back and forth as to who had the files. I found the photos, notes and measurements in a desktop file. I vowed I would NEVER do that again, but time has a way of softening the pain. I would do it differently based on the actual wear and tear....now I could use the serger to finish the inside seams which unraveled to a point of embarrassment.  I did make the effort, but it fell short of success. I guess I've grown somewhat since then. Ordinarily getting involved in her business has pretty much left me feeling drained and frustrated. I told her if we did anything we'd have to upgrade our communication. 

Each day I find a way to make a small improvement in my living space. When I had my own place, I could do what I wanted. The challenge is to find peace and calm with what I have, where I am. At the end of the month, I pass the 4 year mark and realized it's starting to "grow" on me. I like the staff and they like me. Who could imagine?

This sounds like a very good day.  :hug:

It was Armadillo  :bigwink:

June 12

There was a small scare last night with a persistent muscle spasm in my leg for 6 hours. It kept me from sleeping and I started to problem solve, going for the worst scenario first. That fortunately wasn't valid, and today, not a twitch.

One of the fabrics I bought yesterday is from South Korea; birds and flowers on a white background. The main colors are pinks & salmon with some highlights of turquoise and bright green. I was planning on using it to cover a frame and hang it like artwork, but now I'm going to cover my small table which acts as an ironing and work surface. It brings up cheerful and calm feelings.

The fabric store I went to has offered to help me with learning the serger and set a date next Wednesday. There are 3 women working there, and all of them have been very friendly to me. I will see how it goes for the lessons and if all is well, it might be a safe place for me to expand my activities. Thinking about safety is a top priority-I'm attempting to create it for myself at home.  :blink: That's the bigger goal.

After 3-4 years of my T preaching acceptance to me, and myself begrudgingly agreeing, I think it's starting to have an effect. Typically, when my D wants something from me, I drop everything and forge ahead, regardless of reluctance or difficulties. Now, I am starting to integrate my knowledge about her, and myself and my new way of living. She and I are almost polar opposites; she's spontaneous, I'm a planner, she flits from idea to idea, I invest myself single-mindedly in a few. Her perspective is 180 degrees, mine is 360. So when she told me she wanted to pick up on a project I did for her 3 years ago, I paused. Instead of pursuing this with her, I will let her come to me. I have a list of questions for her to answer and depending on those answers, will either go ahead or take a pass. This is different from my past reactions and behavior, and I am encouraged with myself for being able to address this as I would anyone's request. Not just hers.

Your T's persistent and apparently patient comments sounds exactly the sort of thing my own T has been harping on as well.

Self-acceptance. Sounds easy; isn't at all. But you've found its truth in your life helps, and while I still see only glimmers of the same process happening with me, I'm glad you shared your own observation that self-acceptance can indeed prompt one to new discoveries about themselves. And -- needed new appreciation, maybe even (dare I say?) self-love.

hey woodsgnome!

Those Ts can sure be annoyingly persistent.  :yes: In all fairness though, she had to match my stubborn refusal. As far as progress; a little (glimmers) or a lot (a whole day) maybe it's better to realize that we may integrate these thoughts based on our many different tangibles and intangibles. I'm thinking about where we live, who we see, (or DON'T see!) and our level of safety with the present circumstances. I moved from my place of birth, to 30 miles away 4 years ago. It was enough space and a "fresh" environment to shield me from incessant memories of my past traumatic life. The longer I've been here, the more I realize how much progress I've made. It is different for everyone though. The distance worked for me, and not everyone has that option.

June 13

Putting my nose to the grindstone and hand washing clothes or fabrics is not tops on my list of "to do's". I managed to make my way through all my Friday fabric purchases and lingerie. Yippee! Today, I have the freedom to play around and experiment. No afternoon nap for me yesterday, I was too busy "making" with beads. The pattern is easy enough for me to do 95% on autopilot, but that last 5% I really search for just the right accents. I'm not sure why I find this so soothing, and I decided it's not even worth figuring  out. I'll keep doing it until something else presents itself or I lose interest.

I was in "the zone", time had no particular meaning. I noticed that I switched my focus easily from intense to diffuse, interrupted myself often for mini bursts of exercise, (hoping to eliminate nighttime twitching) and forced myself to wash a little bit of dishes at a time, instead of diving in for an hour long session. This is new "little bit" directly dissolves my perfectionism; "once you start, finish the whole thing", "push on through this feeling, don't be a wimp". Most are variations of the pull yourself up from the bootstrap mindset, but a lot of leftovers from demonstrating that I'm worthy enough. 

Ever since March 2020, I've undergone an existential crisis, like most of us! And I recall completely losing interest in all the kinds of things I'm doing now. I read an article on apathy which interpreted this feeling as hopelessness and powerlessness. And the way to navigate out of it was to try different things, ANYTHING, that might spark your interest or energy. It's taken me a long while to spark. I've concluded that life is so multifaceted that the majority of elements have to be somewhat "aligned" before even the smallest forward momentum can happen. I used to be totally driven by goal setting, ambitions for my own healing and if we could all just hurry up and get to the good parts.... :blahblahblah: But I'm seeing that quiet space without goals and noise and constant striving allow me to make internal connections, sense of memories and why I have them, and to pull away from self-destructive behaviors.

I loved reading about your fabrics you selected and the projects you are turning to to lift out of the apathy are inspiring!  I love Korean fabrics! They are so beautiful and elegant. You'd like Korean papers too.

Armadillo,

I've been the whole S Korean route. I even had a very sweet pre-doctoral candidate who first worked with me in a meaningful therapeutic way. Yes, I've used the papers too! I'm glad someone besides staff at fabric stores appreciates the elegance of their fabric.

June 14 Flag Day in the USA

When I was young, a downtown mall had various contests which encouraged young artists to enter their work. I remember going downtown to see my work commemorating Flag Day on display; a short writing piece about why the flag was important to me, as well as a drawing. I was probably 8 or so. Every year, I think about that!

A disclaimer here is warranted: I was touched by someone's journal entry which directly related to my own experience. It deals with people who choose to take their own lives. So, if this topic is triggering. STOP NOW. This is my own experience and the lessons I've drawn from my life and the T's that have helped me along in my journey.

I was 22 years old when I was a newlywed and meeting my husband at this workplace for lunch. He came in late, got on his knees in front of me and told me he's just come from my childhood home where my maternal GF had found my M unresponsive in bed. She had taken an overdose of my GF heart medication. Chaos ensued for the next decade.

My GF was unequipped to deal with this, and because I was NC with my mother before her death, he chose to blame me for it. I accepted the blame because I didn't know any better. Eventually, I saw that I did not deserve this blame, and was able to (theoretically) climb out of the deep pit it had put me in. That climb took a minimum of 10 years.

This was the 1st suicide in my family, followed by 2 more. This had a profound effect on me, and it surfaced last year during the early days of the pandemic when I had no way to check on my sibling who had two psyche admissions for depression. There's a story here about trying to get a web cam, but I'll bypass that and go directly to the point. I had no control over making sure she was OK. None. Zip. Zilch. I recognized that I was suffering from not only old feelings but new feelings of powerlessness. Through months of suffering and work on my part, I came to some peace and have maintained that despite some ups and downs.

First and foremost. No one person is responsible for one another's choice to end their life. No one person can prevent it either. Depression, hopelessness and desire to end what seems like endless suffering is a complex series of interlocking situations, circumstances, resiliency factors, family history, and life experiences. Each is unique and different from all others. The study of suicidiology is young and still growing. https://suicidology.org/ (https://suicidology.org/) No one can definitively answer all questions. It creates a special burden on survivors with continually questioning their role, and eats away at the desire for closure. The reality is, there is no closure except what you make of it. In my case, after a lifetime of searing hatred, even while she was living, I've come to a place of truce, countering the endless listing of faults with the few, redeeming life affirming ways she demonstrated her ability to be a mother. I've softened the edges somewhat, and even posted a group photo which I have on a social media site. This was healing for me because I was not vehemently resisting and rejecting anything that she was a part of.

Getting back to the point. We inflate our ability to control and to change other people. We can do one thing and one thing only. Change ourselves. This means to reach into the depths of being to locate and hold onto the fragile, worthy, deserving person who is still crying out for love and safety. Then each day, give yourself the best of what you have and can do to protect that small, scared former self grow into confidence and trust.

I wish you all well on your journeys to healing.

 :grouphug:

Thank you.

June 15

Well friends, my quarterly teeth cleaning was the best ever, with absolutely no bleeding! I'm being educated by my new hygienist who was shocked and amazed at my progress. She spent less time digging and more time talking to me, for the first time. It turns out we both have the same perspective on many things, (sugar, salt, preservatives, pH, fluoride and xylitol) including growth and change. Onward!  :yes:

So, a couple observations from yesterday and today. Thinking and writing about specific memories gives me pause. I knew it would happen and adjusted my expectations accordingly. Now that I've taken the trauma survey, am reading other forum stories and have compassion and resonant e-books at the touch of a finger, reactivity feels more contained and less volatile. I've also noticed I'm attracted to comedy, look for humor everywhere and am feeling more open with everyone. When I have an actionable thought, I stop to question the intent. This is very different from my usual MO and it is helping to curb the incessant need for outside validation.  My impatience to let myself grow at my own pace gets in the way many times, but I'm starting to recognize this too.


I'm allowing myself brief periods of messiness, and have stopped myself from putting too much into my daily life. Tiny, itty bitty baby steps.

Bee, it sounds like self-awareness is really helping you in small steps! I totally hear you about the impatience, that's a big one for me as well. You are not alone.

Hi CatcusFlower,

I see you also made a small step yesterday with washing your bedding!  :cheer: That's a toughie for me, because the tear down and re-make seem so exhausting. Nothing beats it though.

June 16

I hung up a lined valance which was harvested from a thrift shop. Originally, I was going to make permanent rigid cornices for both my windows, to increase heat efficiency. After 2 years of nothing but planning, I finally accepted I won't make them. I'm pleased with it because it's made of heavy upholstery fabric and lined with heavy cotton. The sun blocking properties will be excellent.

During 6 months of "the early days" of 2020, I joined Twitter to get some scientific news before it hit the media cycle. I left after 6 months. There I was inexplicably followed by a strategist and author from Sweden. I reached out and we engaged in a limited personal e-mail exchange in which I'd ask questions and he's answer. Last month, I asked him for an update after 6 months of silence and he responded enthusiastically; directed me to a new book in progress on Medium and off we go! What I like about him is that he takes writings from "old masters" and integrates and interprets them into modern thought. Lao Tze is prominent is his new book about leadership.

I finished my happy Madri Gras colorful earrings (turquoise and orange accents) and will wear them today with my sole turquoise check shirt when my serger lesson happens this morning. I'm thrilled to find this cozy little shop closeby. Each day I seem to move one or two inches towards more "normality" in feeling like my optimistic self. Surely a slow journey. This morning on IG my D posted a disappearing story about her latest conspiracy theory. I found myself having a brand new thought.....gratitude for learning the depth of her convictions and the opportunity to accept that, regardless of how it impacts me personally. The bottom line is also surprising; my health takes precedence over any family ties and this is a shocker for me. In the past, I would have "died" for any of them, but now I want to do as much as I can to stay alive and functional.  :) Old dogs can learn new tricks!

Yay!!!! I can't wait to hear about your serger lessons and your outfit sounds perfect for the occasion.

Thanks for the enthusiasm Armadillo!

June 17

A small mistake yesterday led to some unexpected consequences. Neglecting to take my SSRI because of divided attention between a Zoom therapy session, then sewing appointment caused a crash early afternoon.  It took several hours to figure out what happened. Then the fun continued with screwed up sleep cycle, late awakening,  OK, OK, I got the message!

My adventurous spirit held up well until 2019. Since then, decision making, risk taking, advocating for myself has been an arduous struggle. Even when the outside world is OK, when I jump into the deep end of any long term endeavor, I take my time to finish. Although I've dreamed about actually using and feeling comfortable with a serger for YEARS, it was 6 months between purchase and use!

My mentor was ready, willing and able; no nonsense with a calming demeanor. I excused myself before starting because I thought I was going to faint! It turned out to be very manageable, I took notes, and brought my new 4 cones of multi colored thread with me. The machine was successfully threaded, tension preset exquisitely and worked flawlessly. Hello! The only downside is I learned what the seller meant by an offhand comment as I was leaving the shop. It has one function only, overlock. No coverstitch, additional functions, Nothing. OK. I can certainly find ways to use it, and don't regret buying it but will keep my eyes peeled for basic models which do more. Maybe in a year or so. This definitely forces me to get to know her, inside and out.

The stunning and shocking part of this experience was a gift from my mentor-totally free, previously unopened: 3 resources. Sewing with Nancy (Zieman) and Pam Mahshie Ultimate Serger Techniques Workbook. Comb bound to accommodate samples. PLUS 2 DVDs Serger Workshop and Ultimate Serger Techniques Workshop which are captioned! When you die and go to heaven, it takes a while to return to earth.  :yes:

To make it sweeter, I didn't have to pay per hour or per session, met some fine inspiring women in a group sew and came away with more great fabric and needles. One is a very colorful pattern of bright oranges layered on a high thread count cotton. there are sprigs of dark green leaves with one white blossom. For accents, I have two green leaf patterns; one matches the darkest green of the orange leaves and one is a more shimmering variegated batik feeling with curling, scrolling leaves.

My default setting in stores is to think of other people, would they like this or that? The constant focus on others prevents me from feeling and caring for myself. It's not wrong to share talents or make gifts but to do that exclusively is unbalanced. It's hard to recognize that other focus filter on thinking and decisions, but I'm happy with learning to see it instead of mindlessly incorporating it into my "normal."

The overwhelming potential of my new skills, machine, book, DVD and fabric has caused a small clump of fear? measuring up? questioning my stamina? All I know is I have to chip away and do small things to integrate everything from yesterday to my present life. Success is disorienting.  :blink:

June 18

I have recovered my equilibrium.

My day was spent at home "digging out" and cleaning up-very productive in spite of the slow, delayed start. My sewing, ironing and beading surface is upgraded with 3 layers of apricot cotton. A vintage embroidered piece covers 2 organizers nearby. My Rowenta iron is now across the room, and a Kaffe Fassett bright green succulent pattern is now on top of a cabinet "shrine" that displays ornaments, a beaded box and a framed card from a loved one. A sewing collaborative will accept some of my unused bead materials, and that makes me very happy. I'm feeling my confidence grow with each small change.

Six years ago, I made casement curtains from cream fabric for a specific window. I cut them down 4 years ago and used them next to a metal window frame which left gray residue on the inside bottom hem. After scrubbing and soaking, the stain was reduced by 75% but still visible. Now I'll cut that off and line a new valance. Incessantly watching old TV is loosening up and despite finding M.A.S.H. and a Damien Lewis 2007 series, it's now on a back burner. Additional evidence of a shift in attitude.

Hi BeeKeeper,
I love the sound of apricot cotton, it sounds lovely.  I'm happy that you're feeling your confidence grow with each small change and that's heartening to hear.  Sending you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

The environment you've made for yourself sounds really beautiful and cozy.  :grouphug:

I think you did a great job noticing something was up and realizing you forgot the SSRI and not letting it spiral.  :cheer:

Thank you Hope and Armadillo, let's have a virtual cup of tea in my new space! Hugs gratefully accepted. That apricot cotton is a sheet which has had many lives with me. No more big spirals...but maybe tiny ones.

BIG NEWS.....ANNOUNCING MY GOAL IS ACCOMPLISHED!

Stuffed in my mailbox was a large envelope with an attorney's return address. My heart started to flutter. Could it be?

YES! It could and it IS.  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: I have been removed as my sibling's executrix-as of Wednesday, June 16. Wow, one more notch in the DONE column. Nothing more to fear. This change has taken me 2 years. Relief, sanity, safety, boundaries.  :yes:

PLUS: sitting in my bedroom is an inexpensive  padded "ottoman" bench, fairly clean upholstery, (including legs!) which matches the chair I picked up about 3 years ago from the same place. A month ago, I saw a new one in TJMaxx, triple the price. I've been looking at frugal ways to start exercising again, since the floor is a bummer. It's longer than other benches, perfect height and now I can do those spine stabilization moves I've neglected for months. It fit perfectly in the back seat of my car, and got it upstairs without a hassle. Sprayed it with Febreeze and will wait a couple days for the shop smell to dissipate.

Another small feather in my cap: I chose a donut with a calorie count of 250 vs 560 today. Woooooo! Someday I will not even bother with donuts anymore.  :bigwink:

June 19

Friday night was rough with repressed memories bubbling to the surface.  I stepped back as far as I could mentally to see some old themes mixed in with new ones, as well as anticipating continuation of the same treatment from others as before. Then I stopped to see that I had grown, perhaps I should allow for other people to grow. And even if they didn't, I was now equipped to handle conflict differently. That seemed to be the ticket to rest.

Today was my bite the laundry bullet day. I only have access to public washers and dryers with their accumulation of heavy fragrances. I have paid a commercial laundry to minimize this, but if I want to fast track my savings, something's gotta give. Mission accomplished and I discovered a grocery and a bank branch nearby. What could be better? I had the place to myself, tracked dryer heat by the minute-came home and continued being productive.

The applique fabric covering the name and medical center of a sturdy second hand polyester jacket is done. Quick and dirty on one side, hand hemmed on the other. I came across the title of a book which intrigued me Little and Often. I'm not interested in the book itself, but in the concept as it relates to changes. Every day I want to regain and re-engage with life as I used to, pre-2019. This small task has taken me about 6 weeks, which is ridiculous. I finally decided instead of firing up the iron and making a big production out of it, no rulers, measurements. I did it all by hand while watching videos. It took a reasonable amount of time; one rectangle inside and one rectangle outside. So far, so good. Now, dishes await.

Yesterday I was able to communicate effectively with my D when she had not responded to 2 texts this week. In order to get her attention, I put 3 emoticons up. One with a little crying, one sad face and one very sad face. She took the bait. My first comment was, "when there's no response, I feel ignored and sad." In response to her defense, I ended with "I understand you're busy and know it's easy to forget later. An emoticon or a couple words will suffice. Love you." In the past I would have stewed about this but resolved to set boundaries when a situation comes up.

Hello Beekeeper.

Thank you for welcoming me back to the forum a few weeks ago. It was really appreciated. Since I came back, I have been reading journals to get a feel for everyone's place in their lives, so I hope you don't mind me making contact.

I was really interested to read about your craft activities, and making your current place a better and better place for you.

I have found it very interesting how these things become so important as paths for recovery. When my old life fell apart, I started making my own clothes, including getting to grips with a Serger! Think I did it as something to do, but it has led me to finding a 'style' and a confidence in dressing that I have never come close to before. And the fabrics are just so lovely, aren't they?

I too have a new place to live and am organising and decorating for myself, for the first time ever, and it's so rewarding.

I was stuck as well, by your relationships with your daughter. My d has recently cut me off completely because I asked her to reply to my messages. It was the first time I have ever asked anything of her, and certainly since her dad died, and she cut me off completely.

I think that you handled the situation very well, and you have helped confirm to me that my relationship with my d was not happy or healthy. It seems like you have a good base line for your relationship going forward. I wish you well with it.

Thank you again for letting me share your story.

Hello Libby!

Thank you for your feedback and parallels to your own life. I see we have a lot in common. When I go on and on about small changes which make a big impact, I'm never sure whether other people can relate. Making your own clothes! Yes, I used to do that also, but have stalled out for 40+ years. That light always shines at the end of the (wellness) tunnel. Congrats on conquering the machine and finding your own style!.

One word about D's. Whatever is happening now is not a permanent state of affairs. Life is fluid and always changing, so this is just a stop along the "riverbank" of life. The emotional keys for me have been to leave myself open to healthy changes, look for growth, compliment and encourage. You won't agree on everything, but there's probably a lot you still can see that's positive. If I want someone in my life that also is struggling, I aim to be the place of safety and calm.

June 20

Happy Father's Day to those Dads among us who are here and gone, who gave us bits and pieces of their best, which helped us become strong and resilient individuals. My own Father overcame my Christian Scientist Mother's refusal to have my congenital dislocated hip reset  in my toddler days. As a result, I am and have been ambulatory my entire life; skiing, skating, biking, running, and skateboarding! Thanks for that love Dad. With the sweet, comes the bittersweet; stubbornness, addictive personality, obsession and lack of social skills. Good thing life has lasted so long for me, I've been able to catch up a little. There's always an opportunity for re-framing, re-remembering and re-learning.

My wimpy oscillating fan and workhorse Lasko fan are now in each window, on low. The reason is the second hand fragrance I brought home on my clothes. Oh well. Last night I had a thought about "treating" a dryer before I used it; spraying vinegar inside. I used to wipe vinegar with a sponge and that cut down on 70%, so stay tuned for a trial of my new technique. As a kid I can't remember having a problem with scents. I attribute it to the imbalance of my senses. Losing my hearing has made other things like taste and smell more acute.

I guess that thought of "little and often" is seeping into my subconscious. My interest/apathy cycle is continually churning with pockets of activity and stagnant pools of inaction. My goal is to work on the stagnancy. I feel some major reorganization changes brewing, summer is typically the time I off load things which no longer serve my purposes. I see a lot of things which I've scattered around, some have regularly used tools, clothes, etc. mixed in with like items used very infrequently. This takes up a lot of space, physically and mentally for me. I've been good about aligning my projects and tools to create some synergy to move forward. One thing that delays me is the decision making involved, and then remembering where I've put things after my burst of new organization. I'm so good at putting things where they belong now, it's actually the last place I look when searching! Paradox city!

Today is dedicated to my granddaughter's graduation collage. Her birthday is in a month, and between finishing, packing and shipping, I want to be on time. I may do a serging to keep up the momentum. Wednesday I'm stocking up on inexpensive thread at a sewing thrift. I'll fill in with new thread later. Time to start practicing with the hemstitch foot; I'm pretty good after 2 sets of drapes which were on my bucket list. In between all that is the kitchen.

Once upon a time, I had grandparents who frequently had us all over for Sunday dinner. I don't remember the food as much as I remember what happened afterwards. They washed, dried and put away all the dishes, flatware and glasses! There was a drawer of cotton towels. We all helped; that seems so quaint and lovely. But I've never mastered that task! So, that's the goal, someday to do it at least once!

Bravo for all the second-hand finds, sewing, and redecorating that you've been doing. You are creative and resourceful.

Quote from: BeeKeeper on June 19, 2021, 09:41:15 PM
Yesterday I was able to communicate effectively with my D when she had not responded to 2 texts this week. In order to get her attention, I put 3 emoticons up. One with a little crying, one sad face and one very sad face. She took the bait. My first comment was, "when there's no response, I feel ignored and sad." In response to her defense, I ended with "I understand you're busy and know it's easy to forget later. An emoticon or a couple words will suffice. Love you." In the past I would have stewed about this but resolved to set boundaries when a situation comes up.

I thought you handled this really well. You told her how you felt and also what you needed from her.

Thank you notalone!

This success is not my own invention, but based on principle of Interpersonal Communication I studied at college 2 years ago. It's taken that long to have this one success. It may or may not work going forward, but I'm able to repeat myself!

My Etsy profile says this:

QuoteEmbrace life by using your creative spirit every day. Experiment with materials and ideas; push yourself to learn new techniques, then practice, practice, practice! Rip out mistakes and try again. Value every failure because that's the key to growth. Take notes on your work with dates, materials and outcome. Teach your craft to anyone who wants to learn and light the creative fire inside them.

What was true 9 years ago is still true today. Everyone has a creative core, spirit and center.

I had a little surprise this afternoon when my grandson's GF put in a request on IG. This is curious, because I've been thinking about her a lot lately; how she looks like I did when I was in my 20's, favors the same style clothes, and has a vibe I can't quite identify. Now 2 of his loves are in contact with me. How sweet!

That U of Colorado Trauma Study is still helping me, although my gift card is cashed in about 2 weeks ago. As I laid down for my mandatory rest today, a person came to mind who was in a position of power and authority over me. It was a nationally recognized parenting group and the leader was a woman with a charismatic personality. I went over to her house individually for a private (uncertified) psychotherapy session.  Skip to the end of this story. I never went to group again, her house or saw her again. In the past, this would have curdled my insides, filled me with shame, and I would have struggled for equilibrium. Instead, I started with RAIN. Recognize.

I am seeing my incessant daily trauma memories as a plus (or sorts) now. This means instead of shrinking away, I tell myself, Wow, look what came up. Then I don't dwell long, but see it as proof of my mind's ability to troll the depths, bring it up in a safe place, at a safe time, where I can process it without public scrutiny. I also see that the ability to pick apart the potential for that to happen is more important that what actually happened.

First, boundaries. When they are weak, dominantly disrespectful people are attracted to me. This starts a cycle of shame, guilt, and pleasing. Second, when all solutions are held externally, that means I have abandoned my own resources and intuition. That causes me to seek out others, who may or may not be getting their needs met in a healthy way. Then I am at the mercy of whoever happens to be my savior of the day. Instead, these kinds of observations help me to focus on my own strengths, trust my accomplishments and believe that integration of events can be woven into my life story without huge gaping holes, or smoldering areas which stink. The allusion and metaphor to weaving is part of my story too, since I've been  doing that for 45 years.

BeeKeeper, I feel as though I could have written this post.  It helped me to read your observations and to know others are walking a similar path.  I appreciate when others share how they articulate things I have been thinking about - it helps me find the words to explain my experience. 

rainydairy,

Thanks for the validation! I often wonder whether I'm "thinking/writing" too much!

June 21

So! Here comes another one...this may be upsetting to someone, and possibly to me to write it, but I'll find a way to cope if that happens. Tara Brach's book Radical Compassion intrigued me with an idea: Depression is caused by being unwilling to "feel" certain feelings, mostly fear. I accidentally returned the e-book this morning, or I would quote the exact text.

A cousin comes to mind with sixteen years of baggage of betrayal and hurt. Her Mother, my Aunt, essentially filled the role of a Mother. Both were alcoholics, my Aunt invested in recovery, her daughter did not. When she suddenly died (burst aneurysm). Prior to the funeral, I was asked to clean/tidy my cousins house for out of town family. The exact time/day of the services were uncertain and I was promised that info. It never came;  I was intentionally excluded. The sense of anguish was unbearable. Although I confronted her specifically about this, that hurt never healed. It did shift last night.

When she came to mind, I felt the same old, same old. Then, out of nowhere, came the thought, "look deeper." (thank you Tara!) I saw that in her grief and alcoholic stupor, she was not able to think of anyone or anything besides herself. So, my sense of betrayal and loss, while valid, was not even in her mind. Or maybe it was. It's possible my cousin was jealous of the attention her Mom paid to me, as it meant less for her. Whatever, either way, it didn't matter because it is truly over, has been over and I've been carrying this toxic stuff around with me to haunt me for a long, long time.

I felt compassion for her, because I could see how she submerged her choices for a valid, authentic life in service of being a "good daughter". I saw how her vehement anger at my Father had filled the funeral service with rage. (She sent me a copy of the remarks!) I saw how she flitted from chaos, disaster, foreclosure, bankruptcy, etc. and still managed to wobble along. I actually saw a lot of choices my family members have made repeatedly, and how I always stepped in to "help". That old saw about letting people experience the consequences of their actions is true!

At the end of this little memory excavation, I felt light and free. Today, it's held too. I'm having a good day. Last week, I bought a (used) white "dotted Swiss" Talbot's blouse which I am wearing with my white earrings made in a snowflake pattern. Who cares if it's summer?! It matches and it's white!

I always feel hesitant to comment directly into someone else's journal -- it seems invasive or something. Nonetheless, I guess that attitude isn't always applicable.

That said, I really don't have a gigantic comment or anything of that sort. The main gist is -- first, thank you for feeling bold enough to share your experience with others. By extension, I guess we could also thank Tara Brach, who I've read for years but like so many I read, some of her material seems too good to ring true, doubting that any of those outcomes are 'real' enough for someone as damaged as I think I am to benefit from.

Legit thoughts -- but, as you discovered, when are thoughts just floaters in our minds? That they needn't disrupt our lives to the point of collapse. I have so many of these that, like your example, have ruined many moments during these years when I'm free to realize -- yes, that happened; no, it's not happening now. Whatever the circumstances surrounding then, also aren't always still around. We can't totally eliminate them ('just get over it' LOL) but sometimes we can adjust how we respond to them.

That's all; I should stop before my guilt about crashing your journal resurfaces, justified or not. What prompted me, again, was just to thank you for emboldening my own day and reminding me there are sometimes other ways these past events don't have to control our present selves. It's also painful to revisit that stuff, and yet sometimes our surface memories could stand to see the alternative versions too. Sometimes the pain lingers, it can't be helped, but ... life has a broad horizon, too. Plus I loved you end anecdote about just doing it, your way.

:hug:

greetings woodsgnome,

You are welcome to comment anytime, thank you for doing so. I like the way you refer to thoughts as floaters.   :yes:

Quotelike so many I read, some of her material seems too good to ring true, doubting that any of those outcomes are 'real' enough for someone as damaged as I think I am to benefit from

Your reactions and doubts about recovery writers material hit the nail on the head. Absolutely my reaction as well. I couldn't even get through Pete Walker's book because of it. All I could think was, "and who is part of my support system?" As though it's an oxymoron. It's a dance between hopeful engagement, risk taking and outright rejection fueled by consistent disappointment and failures to be nurtured,

Still, for whatever reason, I believe that the only way out, for me, is through.

June 22

Having a difficult confusing, day after a fragmented night. Waiting for enlightenment.

BeeKeeper, I'll be thinking of you as you sit with your questions after your fragmented night. 

Thank you rainydiary,

June 23

Yesterday was my M's birthday, she would have been 94. I grieved all day. Then dreamed about the "other" big perpetrator who is my D's Father. Spent 2 solid hours being compassionate to myself in order to be open to the blessings of today.

Hi Bee...sending you hugs for both the grief, the dreams, and beingbooen to the blessings of the day.

I appreciate the hug Armadillo  :hug: feeling's mutual.

June 24

Wednesday was a mixed bag day, but ended more on the positive side. The closer I get to seeing myself clearly, the better I can see other people as well. Surprise! I didn't expect that.

I now have Radical Compassion in book form, so I may be posting in the resource area. My audiologist gave me what I needed-a stronger magnet to hold the implant processor on my head on top of my voluminous hair. I usually wear it as close to the scalp as possible, carefully putting it under my hair with a very weak magnet. There's a magnet inside my scalp and together they form a bond for the processor. She and I always like to talk about life, this was no different. I asked her how she was coping, and she described her perspective and how she's had to change it over time to accommodate all the conflict and chaos with politics and science. We've known each other now for 12 years and she's also a good friend.

My "city" trips involve fabric or accessories of some kind, this one was focused on serger threads. I had good choices, but most spools were too big. I bought as many matching ones as I could, surprisingly, most were still in the original packaging. While gazing at fabrics, I saw a hunk of cream material which was on the corduroy shelf. It turned out to be brushed cotton; 62" wide (upholstery sized) and 7 yards. I bought it. Most likely, it will be my 3rd pair of drapes. When I saw the total, close to $50,  :aaauuugh: I started singing "Happy Birthday to you..." Mine in next month, close enough.

I took my sister, previously NC, with me to assess her and our relationship. That's where it got interesting. My boundary setting skills are in top notch condition. My ability to observe is also intact. What I expected to happen, didn't. At the end, I'm glad I did it, but don't feel a need to continue. In summary, she's stuck, I'm not.

This week has been tough, but when the worst part is over, it feels sweeter and lighter than ever before. That's not saying this will continue, just that I'm appreciating the moment. Oh, and I'm trying a new behavior. Washing and putting away my dishes EACH DAY. Just to see if it makes a difference. It does! Who knew? Yes, my grandparents did.  :yes:

First of all, hooray to Grandparents! At least the good ones.  :hug:

Second, i hope that the new magnet on your cochlear implant works well. Does the implant cause you any pain?

Third, boundaries....you sound strong. I am impressed you took your sister and am curious to hear more if and when you feel like sharing what that was like.

Happy early birthday to you! How thoughtful to get yourself just what you wanted!  :hug: :cheer:

Thanks for your caring comments Armadillo,

Good grandparents are hard to come by.

The site of the implant does cause a constant level of pain, generally low. I attribute this to a pain syndrome I developed in my 20's-some would call it fibromyalgia. The issue with magnets, implants and processors is that they work by squeezing the scalp together. Lower strengths cause a less powerful squeeze than higher ones. So, after a period of time wearing the processor, when I take it off, my scalp "boings" back and if I would compare it to anything, it's like taking off a girdle or other compression garment. Instant relief! I'm very pleased to say that the highest strength (5) works well on top of my thick wiry hair, either when braided or when pulled back in a pony tail. I tolerated it for 5 hours. The optimum time is 3 hours, 4 getting dicey, 5 gotta stop.

A couple things I can share without reverberations about my sibling contact;
1. time limits on the entire conversation
2. boundaries about content
3. T review to get additional insights

1. There's only a certain amount of time and energy we can give to other people. It's important to gauge as the interaction goes on how quickly there's a drain. What's worked for me is 5 minutes prior to the ending point, I announce my intention to go. This inevitably leads to stages of "goodbyes" (with certain boundary impaired people) I've now learned to limit this stage to 2 minutes.

2. Like most people I have opinions about the virus, the impact on my life and the impact on society and the world. Since that's a constant "program" running throughout the day, I don't want to spend conscious moments with others on it. She wanted to talk a LOT about it, and I indulged up to a point, then I said, "I'm not willing to spend our time together talking about this or politics." That gives them or you the opportunity to change the subject to something more meaningful and comfortable.

Our method of communication came up-letters through the mail vs email. I reaffirmed my boundaries and why. It led to a bit of knee jerk rehashing on her part because she wants to continually tell herself and others, "it's not my fault." By fault I mean the low literacy with digital platforms, devices etc. I cut this off by reconfiguring my explanation to draw large differences like: I use digital as a replacement for many other modes (like telephone) my job experiences have included fairly recent tech and free tech support, my personality is geared towards problem solving, repurposing, recycling therefore necessity has been the mother of my skills.

This abbreviated a crying jag and also brought her to new understanding that it was not a fault oriented discussion, but a pragmatic one for me.

3. Lastly, perhaps most obviously, her incessant questioning about my physical and mental state was her attempt at assessing, "who might die first." This was brought on by my unexpected demand to remove me as executrix. From my perspective it was self-protective, From her prospective, it was terrifying to consider she would survive me and have to navigate life without the safety net I apparently offer. Until my T spoke those words, I had been clueless.

June 25

Made my feather pancakes this AM and took photos for IG. My grandson and his GF are into food! Like eating out probably 50% of the time or more. Their disappearing stories always show some juicy dripping whatever! So, I'm opting for Rumford Baking Powder and how high it made the batter.

Last night I tried reading physical books before bed vs. e-books. Right now, David Rock's Quiet Leadership and Tara Brach's Radical Compassion alternate. They are actually complimentary because Rock starts out with the neural connection theory and how it's impossible to change the way people already think. It is possible to encourage NEW ways to thinking and making connections between things, and that's where the focus is. I like it a lot and am already 40 pages in. I still had bizarre dreams. which mirrored an uncomfortable interaction I had in a store between a young boy and his father. Not ready to share that yet. Also, my "parents" appeared as old people with gray hair together, waiting for me on a ship, a fallacy entirely. But I was able to shake these things off.

I figured out how I can encourage myself to do the collage, and remove some pressure for performance. Change the location! (from main worktable to bedroom)

Years ago, H#1 committed arson. I've attempted in person and online to get specific records, and in order to heal from this life long wound. Yesterday I wrote an e-mail to the county and asked about archived record access. To back it up, the management in my building knows a lot of people in law enforcement/fire prevention and I'm asking her on Monday for a person to talk to in this county which probably mirrors bureaucracy in my neighboring county. These actions are part of my new "anti-rumination" plan. If there's something I can do, to get answers or to start a process, I do it. This helps 100%. I may or may not get what I think I want, but the effort alone is enough for now.

My exercise Ottoman is perfect and already my muscles are getting in shape, v-e-r-y slowly.

June 26

Three small life changes seem to be working. I am feeling very good about seeing clean kitchen counters nearly all day! I have kept washing dishes and putting them away each day within 4 hours of use. This has unexpectedly created some energy for me to spend in other areas. (Disclaimer and qualifier: I live alone so it's only my mess.)

Early evening, I wrap up my streaming media viewing, so that I only read a physical book before bed. I've tried this before, but apparently was not "ready." Now I am and it allows me to fall asleep more quickly 1 hour vs 3! The dreams continue however I'm able to manage them better.

Using the stronger magnet for my implant processor is also a good thing. When I give myself a break the following day, by no use at all, my scalp/head doesn't hurt at all! I've been hoping for relief for 4 years, and now it looks like I've figured out the way to get it.

Now an added little bonus. I've used shampoos all my life. In the last 2, I've stopped and immediately noticed something shocking. My scalp didn't hurt "as much". For those on the fence of switching over to no "poo" I highly recommend. It takes some experimentation, but that's the joy in life. I use 2 brands of conditioners. Each has a creamy version and a pour on liquid version. So, 4 conditioners in a certain order seems to be the ticket for soft, manageable hair without problems. I credit my granddaughter for encouraging me to go where I haven't gone before. 

That's great progress on the insomnia!!! Sleep is so important! And I'm so happy you found a way to minimize the pain with the alternating days off so you can use the stronger magnet on your implant. 

Yes Armadillo! Today I also recognized that this SSRI is helping hyper-sensitivity with sleep/wake cycles.  :cheer: I'm beginning to feel.....rested. The combo of rest and reduced processor pain is having a positive impact on my mood!

June 27

I fired up the serger yesterday and made some samples. The lock stitch is in two places, one at the bottom of the loop and one at the top. Gee, funny what a 10X magnifier can do! I communed for a while, just looking at the threads and their placement. It's started to make sense. Learning a serger is a little bit like seeing the color of the word RED in the color green. It doesn't match the expectation. After a while, I'm certain that I'll get the hang of it.

Today I head to Spectrum to exchange my failing modem. Had to make an appointment, first in line. The great news is a new store opened in my area, so I don't have to drive 30 miles round trip.

The graduation collage is coming along. I'm still playing with layout, 3 papers and sizing. Getting closer to the "optimum", my intuition will tell me when I'm there. I also made another "small" change in my space. For years I've had a colorful framed greeting card with birds and concepts (joy, hope, peace, faith, love) where I see it all day, every day. The person who sent it is still in my heart, but getting really old and not communicating as much. I've saved 95% of his cards. Now, I think it's time to start disengaging. The frame is now on the wall, with a sepia toned photo of my grandfather when he was a young man in uniform. This has a subtle effect on me in several ways. My ancestors saved a lot of memorabilia and I have a letter which he wrote to his Father-16 pages from 1918 from France, WWI. It's a beauty. This letter tells me where my love of writing comes from. So stunning to think of our good points being rooted in the past.

Hey BeeKeeper,
how lovely to hear you're finally feeling rested. Bad sleep is such an influence on all sorts of physical and mental health issues. Yay for you!

Also re: your previous post - you saying you're now "ready" for a particular healthy habit is so inspiring and fills me with optimism. So many times I tried something I knew was good for me, and couldn't keep it up for one reason or another. It always brought about shame and negative self-talk, but maybe it just wasn't the right time, maybe other things needed to be tackled first... Hope you keep going with your discoveries, experiments, and positive life changes.

Hi Laurels,

The readiness potential is very important to me. I learned that words like "always & never" are usually part of black & white thinking that limits growth. There is cause for optimism! Daniel Pink's book When https://thepowermoves.com/when-daniel-pink/ (https://thepowermoves.com/when-daniel-pink/) helped me along the journey as well.

June 28

Without planning it, I'm starting to withdraw from my flavored coffee routine. Went without 2 days and those days were calm and good. I resumed this morning-attempting to recapture a social feeding routine. Coffee, breakfast sandwich at my safe cafe place. Still safe, but not as satisfying as it once was.

Diving deeper and deeper into sewing/serging and picked up several matching beige polyester remnants at today, essentially $1 a yard. Will practice my overlock skills and use thread picked up last week. I'm scared, but what's the worst that could happen?

At my building today, I saw a tenant sitting under a tree with his dog, and walked over to introduce myself. He responded neutrally when I asked if he felt like talking. I'm glad I went, if only for the dog, who was very responsive. He didn't offer any comments without being asked something first. That's OK. I test myself out once in a while to see how I handle things. instead of spewing info, I politely left after 5 minutes.

92 degrees and no air conditioning.  :thumbdown:

Courageous of you to introduce yourself to neighbor. Unfortunate that he wasn't more open. That's him and what place he was in.

Sorry you are in such heat without air conditioning. ugh. 

notalone,

yep! I didn't get an create an attitude about him, but I DID enjoy his dog! What's different now is that I'm able to de-personalize previously loaded "transactions" and keep a balanced perspective. This is one way I can tell I'm growing.

June 29

Today, very early I got "on the phone" which means going to Sprint Relay, logging in and entering a phone number for the assistant to conduct a 3 way call. I type, they read, recipient speaks, assistant types, I read. Repeat. I asked for a Zoom link for an appointment 3 weeks out. Generally this wouldn't seem critical, yet on the last appointment, no link was created, entered or accessed until there was an urgency the day of. This ticked me off, but instead of maintaining that anger, I developed strategies.

First, if the office does not create the necessary access the day the appointment is made, I message, the supervisor a couple days later and ask for it. This does two things; let's her know the staff is not performing and hopefully gets me closer to my goal. She acknowledged and forwarded my message. No action.

Second, today, I asked for the link, got it in 30 minutes. I made sure I was casual to avoid defensiveness. It worked! Now I will bypass the supervisor and just deal with the office. I like to take the direct route if possible. This story illustrates the simple ways I can take action and avoid disappointment with others. In the past I would stew, ruminate and complain. This way, I sleep better and follow my new habit, if there's an action, take it.

I fell into an ad for metabolic exercise. I "took the test to determine my hormone type" 7, which is post menopausal.   :doh:
But wait, I already knew that, but didn't know there are hormone "types". Long story short, $60 set of whatevers discounted to $37, and basically common sense stuff. The only thing I'm passing up is the specific 15 minute exercise "bursts" that are done 4 times a day and the 12 week eating plan. If there's anything that causes huge defenses to spring up immediately, it's telling me what to eat 3 times a day for 3 months! Heck, I hardly know what I want any given time.

It led me to think about my ever growing (mainly unused) exercise folder in which all the heavy hitters and some lesser luminaries are gathered. By body part. Neck, arms, shoulders, spine,  :blahblahblah:

David Rock's books said it best. "I'm watering the seeds I've sown instead of planting new fields."

Friends, may you water the seeds you've sown, and be delighted by the new green shoots.

I love your two mantras here... if there's an action take it...and I'm watering the seeds I've sown not planting new seeds. Love them both. And sorry I am in hysterics about your hormone typing quiz.  :hug:

ETA: ugh I'm sorry you have to jump through so many hoops to set up a call or videoconference. Wish it were not so  :fallingbricks:

also ETA: and now I realize that using the word "hysterics" when talking about menopause is probably poor word choice. But also kind of funny. But I think everything is funny. Sorry.

I just wanted to second that those are GREAT mantras. I'm going to copy them down. One encouraging, a call to action, and one supportive, reassuring one. I definitely struggle with initiative, so it's great to hear these success stories, too.

BeeKeeper, I especially appreciate your mention of watering what we've sown instead of planting new fields.  I am definitely more included to the latter as I tell myself a fresh start will help.  That isn't always the case.  I appreciate this perspective - I plan to reflect on watering what I've planted. 

Armadillo, it WAS funny and I don't mind the word or concept of hysterics at all. (I've taken history.  :bigwink: ) I think a lot of things are funny too, and look actively.

Regarding telephone trials, such is life.

laurels and rainydiary;

I'm glad my little "engines that could"  (the self-found inspiration and Rock quote) were valuable to someone besides me. Watering what I've planted just leapt off the page and (as Elton John lyrics say) zapped me right between the eyes! Apologies to that whipporwill of freedom.

June 30

Here it is 4:36 PM EST and just starting to feel like I've found all my pieces, put them together and can remain conscious for 5 more hours. Today was mammogram day at 9 AM, uncharacteristically dreaded it and wanted to make this my last visit ever. After a mere 4 views, I was taken back to my room where I observed horizontal red marks on my upper chest, where the "squishing" plate was cranked down. I've never noticed it before. They faded.

When I woke up today, I felt drained of all emotion. My T warned me about feeling "blunted" on a higher dose, and was curious if this was it. Especially since I am NOT on a higher dose. Tried to go through a portion of my routine to see if that would reverse the muddy nothing, but no, it didn't. Back to bed for almost 3 hours with a migraine brewing. That's what I call "Clue #1" that some unresolved issue is nagging at me. RX, minuscule caffeine, food has eliminated the HA, but still spinning my wheels. I accept some days are like this, and even this is a prelude for tomorrow, a difficult "anniversary day" of a difficult life event.

Quote from: BeeKeeper on June 29, 2021, 02:25:59 PM
yep! I didn't get an create an attitude about him, but I DID enjoy his dog! What's different now is that I'm able to de-personalize previously loaded "transactions" and keep a balanced perspective. This is one way I can tell I'm growing.


This story illustrates the simple ways I can take action and avoid disappointment with others. In the past I would stew, ruminate and complain. This way, I sleep better and follow my new habit, if there's an action, take it.

Cheering your growth.  :cheer:

Thank you notalone, sometimes it takes a while.

June 30

Just when I was ready to write the day off, I took action! I'm attempting to find my way into fire investigation records from 46 years ago in another county. I started with this county, my building management who knows all the cops and the "firemen." My initial request for a private conversation was an inopportune time for her, and no dice. Next my thoughts drifted to all the police I know at the county college. The supervisor there knows me from various venues, and I decided to ask him. Bingo! He is a volunteer firefighter in my county, willing to try and could possibly offer me a direct contact in my neighboring county. This is tremendously encouraging to me.

I am perhaps "greedy" for recovery from an old trauma, being so optimistic about making my way through long-standing memories recently.  It's worth it to ask;  what if nothing changes? What if what I already know is the most I'm ever going to know? Can I take these facts and somehow reframe, extract or shuffle the pieces so I am not walking around with a charred place in my soul? I don't want revenge, I am not sure what I want. Maybe something previously unknown so I can find the door and "leave it behind."

 :hug:

I can't verbalize it but I totally get why you are hunting down this information.  I've done the same. I'm glad I did even if what I found was more painful. Having a story and answers is helpful even if upsetting. So I'm happy you found a bit of a lead and hope you find something that will help you.

Thanks so much Armadillo! It feels pretty weird and scary to be doing this. I have considered the answers might be MORE painful, if that's possible. It's a risk and has unleashed a huge tsunami of memories, feelings, etc. Only those who have endured similar things can relate, and that's part of the cringe-worthy background "music" running perpetually throughout. The insensitive, innocent, incomprehensible question from unaffected others: why do you want this, NOW? I haven't gotten it, but I'm fully expecting it. Today is a bit "better" in that my ability to face life and slog through is closer to the normal level of "bracing."  It's a gray, overcast day, and strangely, lack of sunshine seems to help a lot.

 :hug: I get it.

It's ok to just have a short answer when people do ask you that question..."I need to know." "I want to know" "Having a story is important to me" etc.

There was a whole torrent of consequences...all of them very very difficult...when I decided to order my dad's death certificate and then autopsy report. I don't regret it though at all. And I didn't stop there, I called the coroner to talk to her about what she wrote and knew and I tried to get stuff from the police department too. I tried to get information anywhere I could.

QuoteI am perhaps "greedy" for recovery from an old trauma, being so optimistic about making my way through long-standing memories recently.  It's worth it to ask;  what if nothing changes? What if what I already know is the most I'm ever going to know? Can I take these facts and somehow reframe, extract or shuffle the pieces so I am not walking around with a charred place in my soul? I don't want revenge, I am not sure what I want. Maybe something previously unknown so I can find the door and "leave it behind."

FWIW I think a lot of people are more open to the idea of needing answers from the past. Lots of reality shows  about seeking biological parents and solving cold cases if these are any indicator.  What's clear from the shows I've watched is that not knowing is really difficult, knowing seems to bring relief and release more times than not.  I hope this is the case for you BK  :hug:

Thanks for the affirmation Armadillo and Kizzie, this fuels me to feeling empowered! Your responses brought to light an assumption that I'll be rejected outright, which is true based on history, but time to change that expectation, or eliminate it entirely! Very good points, I appreciate the thoughtfulness.  :yes:

July 1

My Campus Police friend referred me to county bureaucrat. I am taking a while to construct my story, giving myself some processing and breathing room. I've decided that honing my request with enough, but not too many, details is the ticket to success.

My T was very encouraging of my new path and affirmed that I was on the right road with the right perspective to healing. Essentially, it has to be about the "other" person and where they were or are in their development. Yes, no question those who were hurt suffered. However if the focus is on resolution in some form, it has to be about capacity, vs intent. It's grievous to think that so many people could have gotten so many things wrong. IMO, the key point is our brains were "re-wired" or wired differently from a young age. The opportunity is that the longer we live, the more potential for wiring the way we choose to support and love ourselves. Neuroplasticity, I heart you!

An old friend (literally and figuratively) and I had a breakthrough of sorts last night. He shared (admitted) the toxic, painful parenting he endured and what effect it had on him. We've never talked about it in depth. I found it very affirming to get to this level of disclosure, because he's never allowed himself to do that with me. A script we had of "I'm OK, you're not OK" was revised and softened so that I feel better about our relationship.

After the last couple days, I'm committed to not committing! That is making goals, plans, to-do lists, expectations etc. I have been a very rigorous and unrelenting taskmaster with myself and it only leads to feelings of failure, guilt and shame when I fall short. JamesG's recovery notes (our forum) had a lot to do with this. He wrote about the absolute importance and necessity of REST. And, now, I'm taking it very seriously. (Thank you JamesG!) He also writes about Derren Brown's book Happy, Why More or Less Everything is Fine. You can read it free on the internet at https://www.pdfread.net/ (https://www.pdfread.net/) This will not appeal to everyone, but he makes some good points, with humor and is provocative in a good way.

Also David Rock has laid out Step 4 of his 6 steps to Quiet Leadership-calling it the Dance of Insight. The four faces of insight are:
1. Awareness of dilemma
2. Reflection
3. Illumination
4. Motivation.

Broadly speaking this dance begins with asking permission of the other person to have a (usually difficult or drama infused) conversation.
From there Placement occurs.

QuotePlacement is about anchoring any conversation: defining exactly where you are and what's about to happen next so that the people are thinking about exactly the same issues from similar perspectives.

When you place people in a conversation, you take care of issues like:

Setting the scene
How long you'd like to speak for
Where you're coming from
What your goal for the conversation is
What you would like them to do in the conversation
How you would like them to listen
What's going to happen in the conversation
What you're looking to achieve from the dialogue

When I came to this section, my brain zoomed straight up, hit the ceiling and declared, "THIS is what's been missing!" The book has many examples between supervisor/employee and wouldn't we all like to live in that world! I see the potential in using this, but anticipate awkward in implementation and practice. My favorite thought and life guidance is: "the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

It's totally normal to want to know the truth, or at least as much as you can, about things that happened. Kizzie is right, it's the knowing that brings relief. You see so many shows (which I never realized before, but yeah) where those left behind or adjacent to want to know something, anything, more than what they do. I think it's a way to get closure as well.

Thank you CactusFlower, I've been thinking about this non-stop and now have some comfort level with the asking. Funny, if I hadn't written that out here, and different people responded, that point would have slipped away.

July 2,

Yesterday I called the county sheriff in the target area and hit the jackpot. A very lovely woman told me a couple of things to point me on my way.

1. Filing a FOIL request is mandatory
2. Filing a FOIL request for every possible jurisdiction is the best
3. Filing a FOIL request on the local or county agency's request form, anything else will be ignored
4. A return of "no information found" means that particular agency does not hold the records sought, not necessarily there are no records.

I confirmed that I already have the name of the appropriate Emergency Management person, but since a prior request showed no records, I can now concentrate on the local levels: town, city or village. This has been tremendously freeing in and of itself. I've spent much of my life in and out of family court, legal systems on behalf of family,  therefore, this is in my "playground." In order to maintain a balanced perspective, I'm traveling this journey with the possibility that the records are so old, possibly they have been discarded. If that's the case, I'll make peace with it, someway, somehow.

Yesterday I spent a bit of time working out a beaded pattern. The first trial was kaput, the second, better-close enough. I read some, watched my 3rd round of old TV comedy drama, and read more. It got off to a late start, but ended well.

Today, I emerged from photographic dreams to satisfy a craving for an old Bee Gee's song. I had it on repeat for hours!   I got my favorite muffins, (two for one) & saved $6. Lunch, shopping, moving money from point A to B. next business day is Tuesday, July 6. Ordered an Oxford University Press workbook about trichotillomania treatment and now I'm done.

The last couple days have been incredibly peaceful considering everything. My grandson's GF is reaching out to me and starting a very comfortable feeling relationship. Wow! I teased my D on IG, got a reaction and laughed this morning. I can't recall feeling that good for a while. For all the parents who endured teasing from their kids, what goes around, comes around.

I'm glad you received some specific information about filing a FOIL request.

I like the Bee Gees too. Haven't listened to them in a long time.  :boogie:

It can be hard but also...hmm what's the word...sort of like an adrenaline rush... filing the papers and waiting to know if you'll find information or a dead end. You've found some good kind people to help you along the way and I bet that feels good in and of itself. Enjoy the process and the unknowns along the way. The possibilities that answers exist for what you want to know .

Good job on working out the new beading pattern!  :cheer:

I'm pretty in awe that you ordered that workbook. It's gotta be hard to tackle. I hope you find relief. 💕

You sound very light and joyful after the fun teasing exchanges with D and with GS's GF.

Thanks for the support notalone and Armadillo. I've made a good start. More progress today when I stopped into a State Police substation and asked a couple questions. My surprise was being directed to an electronic filing in the state capitol. All the pieces are starting to come together.

Years ago, the 3 Stooges had a skit about Niagara Falls. It started out, "Slowly I turned, step by step, inch by inch..." Then they went into a manic routine. I won't end with the manic part, but definitely feel the beginning applies. Now I'm getting into the process and details of arson investigation. This helps because I want to give the "right" details to match things up, bypassing anything extraneous or emotional. I can do it, but the mountain gets a little higher each day. I have to dig through my records, and as good and organized as I have been, I couldn't put my hands on things immediately. It's probably buried somewhat to avoid casually coming across it.

July 3

A historic moment for me today. I bought a never worn pair of denim jeans made in Pakistan from Old Navy. Paid full price too.  :aaauuugh: The reality is that 2020 and 2021 have increased my volume and gravitational pull.  I've bought new bras, but held off on the pants. Now I have one pair that fit without pain. Yippee!

Another noteworthy moment happened early today. I go to a local upscale grocery store which has an indoor and outdoor cafe. There's one table by the window, with access to two electrical outlets. That's "my spot." In the past, they've had high tables and chairs in certain areas, but last year, they switched everything around. The high chairs are especially great for me, because I can put my feet up on the rungs and my back feels better sitting. They placed a high table with 2 matching high chairs at MY SPOT! ( posted to IG)

I immediately sought out my favorite supervisor and told him I was "deliriously happy" about that. First he paused and then gently touched my arm to acknowledge my pleasure. His name is Andy and over the last couple years, he's developed into a kind, warm sweet person towards me.

My GS's GF has disclosed a private painful detail about herself and past.  :'( I offered my support. At this point, I want to step back a bit to make sure I don't resume my traditional role of care-taking friend that gets in too deep. This now shows me a big part of their attraction for each other-trauma bonded.

This Thursday is the cake/ice cream day and I'm being taken to lunch.  :yes:

July 4

Sitting here at my "special spot" by the window, feeling good about my breakfast sandwich and the sweet young woman who made it, she's my favorite with a nuanced touch.

There are two themes which are emerging in my life: slowing down (rest) and "sitting" with whatever emotions/feelings come up. Re: Tara Brach, the recognition step. There's an interdependence between these states; a lot of psychic energy is generated just getting through the day, a slower pace or pause helps with integration so it doesn't all accumulate for me just before I want to sleep. AH! I guess I knew that intuitively but by writing it out clarified it exactly!

I'm not sure of how I "got" here-to the place of remembering, tolerating and processing so completely. This forum has helped since 2015 when I first found it. Being heard, acknowledged and supported was such a shock! I'm so grateful to Kizzie for her strength and commitment in creating a safe place for those who need it. The next steps were moving twice in 6 years. Then came surgery for a hearing implant. That set the stage for my unconscious/subconscious to allow the locks to bust open, and the contents of all my fortified compartments to leak and mix together. First, a trickle, then a steady flow.

Before this, I thought I had lost a significant portion of my life, forever buried in layers of repression. Solid, stratified mixed with metal so aggressive excavation would be necessary to access. Not true! Just like the statement, "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear." In reality, when I was ready, everyone in my life became a teacher. Please understand, this is only my personal experience and not meant to be modeled or held up as a standard.

If you believe certain things, everyone in life is a potential to be a teacher and it depends on your individual perspective. I offer the key point of readiness, as least as it applies to me. I had to become ready through a succession of counselors; religious, secular, experienced, inexperienced. Then there are/were "friends", family members, institutional staff, agency personnel. I was ghosted by some, ripped to shreds by others, buoyed up, let down, and everything in between. Some gave me outrageous gifts, of expertise, mercy or the essence of themselves.  They have a place in my heart and if possible my photo files!

All in all, I'm dedicated to saving the parts of myself which can be used to build on. I'm learning to let go of those parts which continue to take me to places of rejection. In every story there are small pieces that can be extracted and used for beauty. When I woke up today and started to think about my current record pursuit, I had an artistic vision of a weaving. For those that don't know, fabric is made up of vertical strands called a warp and horizontal stands called weft. The warp is the foundation. I saw my life narrative as reworking the warp and even replacing some so there's not a concentration of weak fibers (or dark, colorless ugliness). Naturally, this is time consuming and inevitably will take me the rest of my life. That's perfectly fine. Slow, steady, with compassion and acceptance, I'll continue.

Update note:
After 3 months of cautious contemplation, I invited a fellow tenant to join me for cake and "custard" on the patio this Thursday; he accepted.  :)

July 5

Old habits return! Three months ago, I recognized my longing for casual, friendly contact with the person I invited to join me Thursday. I sat on it, mulled it over and rejected reaching out due to the "how"? Yesterday, as I drove into the building parking lot, there he was, at his vehicle. After we both got inside, I asked. It went well.

Should this be so hard?!  Objectively no. Then I went down a "rabbit hole" of obsessing about what to serve, how to serve,  :blahblahblah: Then I stopped and allowed the sad realization that when I don't use a skill, it's rusty. OK. So, these are just very simple, elementary issues which have been complicated by, well, history. So, to improve my skills, I'm going to keep on doing these small things, and believe that it will pay off.

I'm aware that a large part of my inner dialogue consists of me choosing a people pleasing approach to problem solving. (sigh) presenting myself as non-threatening, submissive (?) and even, when slightly dense, if I think there's danger. Yikes! All along the lines of those old childhood words, "I promise I'll be good." (unspoken "please don't hurt me.") That's potent. Other than observing myself thinking this way, and vowing to choose different responses in reality, the opportunities for interaction are slim.

Made a couple small improvements in the studio. Upgraded to stacking a buffed metal kitchen riser, with a metal organizer. Nice! I repurposed the plastic covered one to gather sewing & beading notebooks in one location vs 3. I finished my other gray earring and picked out colors for my next pair. Periwinkle, grapey purple and a "funky blue" round bead as picot edging. The funky refers to two colors overlaid on white, 2 hues of blue, one of purple.

My joy of the day was discovered a bottle of Spectrum canola oil, double the size for only $2 more. In 4 years, I never noticed!

Quote from: BeeKeeper on July 05, 2021, 04:57:24 PM
I'm aware that a large part of my inner dialogue consists of me choosing a people pleasing approach to problem solving. (sigh) presenting myself as non-threatening, submissive (?) and even, when slightly dense, if I think there's danger. Yikes! All along the lines of those old childhood words, "I promise I'll be good." (unspoken "please don't hurt me.") That's potent. Other than observing myself thinking this way, and vowing to choose different responses in reality, the opportunities for interaction are slim.

Me too.  I appreciate you articulating this. 

hey rainy,

It upsets me that I still have these ingrained habits, but on the bright side, now I'm aware of them. The promise to be good is a plea for mercy-even if we weren't "guilty." I became a little angry and impatient with myself after writing that. This takes such a l-o-n-g time!

Update July 5

After imagining a beautiful image of color choices, especially periwinkle ( I love the winkle part!) it was ho-hum. Not what I imagined at all. I decided then and there to stop, take whatever lessons I could and go on. Using a slightly larger bead, #10 vs #11, I forged ahead and like what I see. It's a bit larger overall, but not too outrageous for me. I like a little strange and unique, but not a head swiveling, "what the?"

The thing that helps me deal with emotional pain is an analytical filter. I pretend metaphorically, I put on a white coat, take out a clip board and only look at numbers, dates and facts. I applied this to a confusing experience lately with my college professor, in which I was on Cloud Nine, or in the deepest darkest hole. Now at the 7 week mark, I STILL think about the yo-yo. We eventually made "peace" and he expressed some caring and concern. This was unfortunately the element that kept me hooked. One author writing about adults of emotionally immature parents described this "hunger" for attention or caring which goes off the rails. (My paraphrase) I guess similar to a starving person who can't digest food and then attempts to eat a full meal. It makes them sick. That's me at this point. Self-blame adds to the burden, but I can feel myself starting to come out of it.

The lack of business schedules and structure on holidays, sets me adrift-especially tacked on to a weekend. (Everyone in my family got together in another state and sent me lovely pictures. Ouch!)

What you say resonates with me.  As much as I don't like the things that are a part of my experience and in my thoughts and feelings, the awareness for me has been key because then I can make choices.  Before I wasn't making choices based on awareness. 

I think our minds may work somewhat similarly as I am analytical about this too.  I also read a lot and it takes time to either integrate or leave that behind if it isn't serving me. 

I appreciate what you share and am grateful to be part of your journey here on this forum. 

 :hug:

I don't have a lot of words to share today. But want to say "ouch" right along with you to the picitures of your family celebrating without you. 😭

Thanks Armadillo!   :hug:   It helps to know I'm not the only one.

July 6

This morning is going OK. I allowed myself to step back from tearing apart my files to find some deeds, and other papers that will help me file an outstanding FOIL request. In a moment of weakness, I e-mailed a fire investigator, asking for a "paid consult" for a filing, but now, think that would be fairly worthless. This can't be any worse, harder than filings I've already done (Disability x2 & a State Human RIghts). We are all mere mortals!

My plan is to drive the 28 miles around trip to get my old address, rather than spending time nailing it down via digital computer maps. By old address, I mean where I lived when the incident occurred. I've been there within the past 2 years, so know I can handle a brief encounter. Thoughts of "bundling" errands float up, specifically, to get a handmade pie from a well known vendor. Total deliciousness, but directly opposed to fitting into my regular clothes this year.

I'm very proud of myself today for a decision to spend time ripping out a mistake with my earring. I made it with bigger beads, and that fact alone lent to correction without the old "cut/snip". That refers to solving a problem by cutting the thread(s) instead of spending an hour or more carefully, slowly separating them one by one and pulling them back the way they started. The fun was two-fold. First, the thread I'm using is a mono-filament nylon, but with enough tension in the wrong spot, it shreds while (kind of) maintaining it's shape. Second, since internal diameter of the beads were bigger, I made more "passes." 6 instead of 4. To top it off, at the end of each pass, made a complicated reverse stitch which locked that sucker in. But anyway!

Mission accomplished and it is a great feeling to start off the day knowing I can unravel successfully.  :yes: I think this has the potential for becoming a temporary manta. The ability to successfully unravel!

Quote from: Armadillo on July 06, 2021, 03:32:54 AM
want to say "ouch" right along with you to the picitures of your family celebrating without you. 😭

:yeahthat:  :hug:

Thanks Blueberry.  :hug:

July 7

In order to refocus and soothe myself from the feelings of isolation and exclusion, I'm going to try a new strategy. While looking through my albums and scrapbooks for "something else" I came across a treasure trove of happy warm memories of my family when everyone was young(er). In particular, when I dragged my D to college with me years ago, she found ways to entertain herself; making little things on a computer, scavenging under food machines for loose change, drawing herself walking the cat, and other silliness. If anyone remembers the song, the Name Game, it was a variation of that, in fancy font and ended with "Mi My Mo Merp- Twerp". The edges were lined with hearts all around. This is a an example of one way she hasn't changed in 40 years. Although she's making some choices now which prevent me from feeling comfortable being with her, we still share the same love of ridiculousness. That commonality took away the ouch.

David Rock's book continues to hold my interest. He's still using seed watering metaphors, only this time, he's talking about giving recognition in the form of feedback. When you give a person, specific, detailed feedback on what they accomplished, how that creates new ways of thinking that can be applied to other areas of their lives and the obstacles they overcame, he said, "That's like watering a new seedling, instead of spraying the garden with a hose." This guy has mastered the art of evoking a picture!

In effect, this is a book not only about communication, but also about ways to think about thinking and to offer questions about thinking to clarify the process. The other nugget I liked was his citing "Thinking On Your Back: Solving Anagrams Faster When Supine Than When Standing," Cognitive Brain Research, 24 n.3 (August 2005) Darren M. Lipinski and Don G. Byrne. I now have another reason to embrace my afternoon rest; I get so excited when my intuition is "backed by science"!

Today I'm taking it slowly because things feel a bit fragile-taking wa$h to the laundry, road trip? final arrangements for tomorrow? I feel that old pressure around the periphery of consciousness. Instead, I'm going to affirm, Great opportunity today!

 :hug:

Feeling cared for Armadillo!

July 7 update

OMG, this day goes down in history-one of a kind, special, stunning and overflowing. Never mind the calendar tomorrow.

Started out the day with a minor disappointment, laundry wont' be finished until tomorrow. Forged ahead and drove to my former village.

Four years ago when I moved here, I looked for consignment shops in which to sell my beaded stuff. Tried a couple, and found one online which happens to be directly across the street from where I used to live. Went, in, looked through various rooms and my heart sighed with relief. Even if: I never establish a contract here, come once a year or less, or more often, it was soothing. Can't afford anything I want, but who knows? The proprietor was wearing a tee shirt, kilt and barefoot.  :yes: He was open to a conversation and will probably see him again for an exploratory showing. Very low key.

Across the road, I saw a garage set back on the property with people inside. 3 guys, 2 shirtless, bellies galore. I walked up, introduced myself, and said, "I'm taking a trip down memory lane." Shortly thereafter, the owner offered to show me inside, I accepted and saw my old haunt as well as the other side of the house. He offered some automotive advice and was very kind and open. I kept my guard up-everything turned out OK.

Down the street, I noticed a State Police Office, locked, but the Village Clerk was open. Had a fruitful conversation about FOIL, records retention and left a note for the Fire Chief. Also came away with a FOIL form.

On the way out of town, I intended to buy only one Chocolate Cream pie. (frozen). Then I saw a sign for Key Lime, and got that too. This should carry me to September.

Getting to sleep tonight will be interesting. I can't remember the last time I've had some many things go right in one day. Off to hit my local places to establish a "routine" and bring me back to present reality. I haven't dissociated, gotten upset or otherwise gone down the tubes.

This is amazing Bee!!!!

I'm so happy things went well and that the trip down memory lane did not cause dissociation.  :cheer:

Also your beading you shared in the other thread is beautiful!

thank you Armdillo, good news is best when shared! I wore those "Mardi Gras" earrings yesterday with a white dotted Swiss blouse over a white tank. Later in the evening, I changed to my Snowflake earrings, which were noticed.  :bigwink:

July 9

This is just a placeholder of sorts while I continue processing my birthday events. The main thing was the outrageous success of my invitation for a fellow tenant who lives here to join me. The stats: 3 hours of conversation, 3  :hug: and my life is altered for the better.

There's no intention of taking the Lord's name in vain here, instead a respectful, reverent and thankful OMG!

 :applause:
Yay!!!! Fantastic!

I'm happy that positive things are happening for you. :wave:

 :grouphug: Armadillo and notalone!

So, get out the pom poms and let's all spend some time screaming too!

Update July 9

My mind was completely blown last night, in a good way. Scary-happy. In retrospect is seems like the perfect time too.

It's been years (decades?) since I took initiative with a male social interaction. This is the first time it went well. Not only did he show up, but the entire experience exceeded all my expectations. I was hoping for an easy, safe, "casual" or serious conversation which showed trust and respect. I hoped for a couple laughs, a little bit of jittery excitement and a long period of processing afterward. I hoped for a tiny glimmer of physical interaction, but not too much. I hoped for respected boundaries and feeling like there might be potential for a "meaningful" relationship. Checks on all counts.

At 7:05, I checked the remote control button on my door frame that looks like a door bell. It activates a "mother" unit inside wirelessly to make 3 connected lamps flash 6 times. I texted instructions to "Barry" beforehand. The lights flashed fine. I opened the door again, and there he was! Fun fact, in all this time, he never realized I was "hearing impaired."

The outrageous thing is this: I was stressed and worried about that awkward pause after the entrance, what do we do or say? And he took care of that in a smooth and sweet way. Once in, he opened both arms wide while saying. "Happy Birthday!". It took me possibly 3 seconds to overcome my shock, accept and return the first hug, and the best hug in the world. Never mind that I was dripping with sweat due to 88 degrees, and that I was wearing a sleeveless tank top to make skin on skin contact. And hello! Nice.

The bottom line is this: I've been thinking of him, he's been thinking of me. He's been here 10 years, I've been here 4. He described me as "quiet." He was here 3 hours. At the one hour mark, he made a remark about me kicking him out. At the conclusion of the visit, 2 more hugs, these were definitely leading someplace. That's when I slammed on the brakes and declared my "shyness" which he respected. I've fantasized about a kiss for months! No problem, He graciously moved back and it ended with safety and good feelings.

Just before entering slumber 4 hours later, I realized my world briefly spun off it's axis, I could not return to my protected isolated space, and assume my previous "brave" roles, or even get those attendant feelings of separateness, aloneness, self-pity tinged with rejection. I had let "Barry" into my life. Curiously, I have not pulled out one single hair today!

 :hug:

Eeeeeiiii! I'm squealing inside like a 12 yr old girl!

:cheer: Hooray! Delighted for you.

"Armee and Snowy"
Thank you friends!

:hug:

:cheer:

QuoteI'm squealing inside like a 12 yr old girl!

Ditto!

adding this Twitter post by @sgrstk (disclaimer-not on Twitter, acquired 2nd hand)

"When you're straightforward, your life has a tendency to keep moving forward.
Be upfront with your intentions, open in conversations, and don't lie to yourself."

Edited for relevance and clarity.

July 10

My feet have finally touched the ground. I'm starting to experiment with sleep hygiene to see what kind of mileage I can get out of different routines.

Total darkness, door closed
Partial darkness, door open
Nightlights, no nightlights

or any combination of the above. Interesting because it all changes the dept and length of unconsciousness and dreaming.

Due to my short visit at the artist consignment shop, I've dragged out all my potential wares and now contemplating a huge purge. Additionally, I was motivated to remove some out of season clothes I'd crammed into my closet which are headed for the donation bin.

At the same time (gasp!) I am "buckling down" to figure out a beading pattern on paper that has confused me spatially for months! I've made 5 trials, 7 pair of earrings (that's a total of 19 separate pieces without feeling that settled "AH" moment. So, here's to slow and steady wins the prize.

I've gotten a Songs of the 1960's book which has sheet music to some of my favorite Smokey Robinson tunes. He knew how to write classics.

Today is a bit sloggy, but I'm still OK. Am going to dig into Kizzie's article later today. https://www.complextrauma.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/Adult-Treatment-2-Joseph-Spinazzola.pdf (https://www.complextrauma.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/Adult-Treatment-2-Joseph-Spinazzola.pdf)

Decent sleep makes a big difference in everything. I'm not even sure what magic combination worked to get mine back on track. But I am so grateful it is. Good luck finding things that work for you.  :hug:

I'm really happy to read that you weren't triggered to pull a single hair after your visit. That's really good! It took me a long time to figure out how to stop stuff that worked for me. It feels like magic to find the right combination to heal these things we do.

Good luck figuring out that beading!!!

Sleep is such an important thing. It might take time, but I hope you find whatever works for you. I recently got some clutter out of the house as well, and it just makes everything feel... lighter, more open. It's nice. :)

I'm affirming sleep is critical Catcus Flower & Armee,  :thumbup:

Getting closer than ever. One fell swoop is a high standard, but I think it''s now at a good stage. Light blocked out at windows, door open until the first awakening, Then door closed, and I get 2-3 extra hours. The interesting thing is that the SSRI is helping me to a less hyper-vigilant stage. Before, every 3 hours, pop! Now, I'm a little deeper and foggier, and not at all eager to enter full consciousness.  Who knows where I can go with this?! Exciting to contemplate "normalcy" after a lifetime getting by.

CF, clearing out unused/unwanted stuff is a sure ticket to feeling light and open.  :hug:

July 11

Yesterday was a "grindstone" day, dogged determination to conquer a mathematical beading pattern, which was mostly successful. Now the refinements. Naturally, pushing hard against confusion and mistakes calls forth those parts which start to feel cranky. That's a bad time to do any serious thinking because it's likely to be tinged with discouragement. Fortunately, life looks & feels better today. One reason is that on Monday is "Barry's" day off. He's worked double shifts to cover staffing shortages-which will go on all summer. Hoping that we'll be together, but if not, then I'll wait for the right time, if there is a right time. If not, will try to gracefully let go of my expectations. 

I went for a night walk yesterday and I really miss doing that. I have a little armband light that flashes, so I feel secure. Always on the sidewalk, never on the roadway. There are several apartment complexes nearby, and I enjoyed a well lit stroll peaking in windows which had no coverings. The night smells are nice too, and of course the cool air is welcome after a stifling heat wave.

On Thursday, as I drove to a rural lakeside area, I noticed all the bright orange day lilies along the way and remember how I used to love seeing them and planted them in the yard at the last house I owned. I planted a lilac brush, and lots of annuals. I've kept a shovel (for snow mostly) but also a couple garden tools. (cemeteries mostly). I still harbor hope of having my own little bungalow at some point, who knows?

Along the lines of remembering what I used to like;
iris
lily ponds with flowers
lily of the valley
vineyards
the smell of pine trees
calm lake water in the fall by the shore
the sound of rain on the roof
the faint smell of a wood burning stove
the sound of animals at night
cool crisp air on a bright moonlit night

Bee, that sounds lovely! The bit at the end is a very visual poem, I could picture all of it. :)

Quote from: BeeKeeper on July 11, 2021, 05:22:50 PM

Along the lines of remembering what I used to like;
iris
lily ponds with flowers
lily of the valley
vineyards
the smell of pine trees
calm lake water in the fall by the shore
the sound of rain on the roof
the faint smell of a wood burning stove
the sound of animals at night
cool crisp air on a bright moonlit night

I love love love this. And hope for some gently slow but exciting Barry news in the coming weeks.

Awwww, thanks friends! That was very spur of the moment, who knew it would ripple?

July 12

A bit of an expected frustration this morning with attaching some photos of fabric and a small animal. I carefully checked the sizes, even opening a tab to calculate megabytes to kilobytes, alas, stopped by a machine. No problem, maybe later.

Today is a hot iron, sewing machine, rotary cutter kind of day. My workspace has returned to normal, meaning, there's a huge plastic Dritz work mat on top of my tablecloth and the bead debris has been cleared from the space I use which is a table covered with silicone mat base and layers of insulating fabric. Ironing boards and I don't play well together here.

I'm doing my best to carry on in the face of uncertainty; will I or won't I see my Barry today? I've left the ball in his court, expressed interest in being together, ONLY if he is well rested. That gives him an out. So, he's been working 14-16 hour days 3 or 4 in a row for the last couple of weeks.  And truth be told, if I were him, I'd just say, see you in a couple months. Everyone is covering for a co-worker who broke a foot bone, naturally, it will take 8 weeks to heal. As I remarked when he told me, "goodbye summer."

Along with the simple goal of hemming 4 sides of one cotton piece, I hope to gain momentum and drag out my patterns for zippered pouches. Once upon a time, I made about 7 in a row, all sizes, all kinds of linings and foam innards. I want to get back to it because I've got new cloth which is "happy." It's almost 2 PM in my time zone and I really haven't done much. Fed myself, rallied to clean my iron, repeatedly tried posting, watched my D's IGTV reel and still in neutral. Oh yeah, sorted some receipts, and started a hand wash bucket of wool socks. Whoop!

Update 4 PM. Not happening.

OK, fell off my balance beam temporarily, but back on.

Post-analysis of Monday's disappointment:
1. Made an unwarranted assumption on Thursday concerning Barry's comment about "my next day off is Monday."
2. Left a small unsigned note tape to Barry's door to indicate my continued interest.

Looking objectively at both items, I think #1 was the bigger issue. I assumed he was telling me because he wanted to get together again. Not true. So, if #1 is false, then #2 is faulty. It's not dead and buried, I don't hate either of us, but I'm seriously looking at my judgments and how they contribute to my needless suffering or unrealistic expectations. I still feel good about our contact, but over-estimated his interest. That's fine, because without mistakes like this, I'm not going to grow and learn.

So, onward to a good day and doing things I don't wanna;
cleaning out the frig
mopping the kitchen floor
vacuuming under the bed
(gasp!) sorting/filing some papers
stair-walking

Update:
Stair-walking check!
Bought a dowel at Lowes so I can put under a metal closet shelf at 45 degree angle from the closet rod. That way I hang stuff and get more mileage out of the space I have here. I've used this in half my utility closet, with 5 rods of hanging backpacks (I really like backpacks!) and it works fine. Naturally, it's a big "to do" since the shelf is a 2 piece slider and I have to reverse it because my dresser is on one side and the doors are metal bi-fold.  :doh:

But still, psyched up. I made my weekly allotment of coffee and can tell I'm winding down after 6 years of habit. Thank you Lord! Also, wonder of wonders, my trichotillomania seems to have taken a fork in the road. Dang that workbook, still hasn't arrived, but hey, I'm sure I'll still need it. So, in the past 5 days, intentional pulling = 2. A world record for me! Hello! From double, possible triple digits in the last year to 2.

Is it the SSRI after 4.5 months?
Is it a brief fantasy of potential love and caring?
Is it both?
Is it none?
Is it me finally loving MYSELF?!?

I don't care!  :cheer:

July 14

Progress continues! I'm taking small communication risks daily.

A well known store is close to me and I go there 4 times a week to sit in the cafe, and gaze out the window, listen to music, surf the web and sometimes post to various media. Management here is known for switching high level people every 2 years, and the executive chef has been sweet and accommodating to me. I debated on the best way to find out if he was slated for leaving, (he's not) and decided to bundle it with a compliment. First I asked "permission" by saying, "are you in the middle of something?" When he said no, I continued with: "I just want you to know you're appreciated. It's the little things you do without a fuss. I like that you're calm and there's no drama."

He received it well, touched my arm in response and we went on our way. This seems small and mundane, but I obsess over talking with people, but realize it's wasted energy.

On a different note, I also spoke with a cafe staff who appears to really mind that I clean my own table/chair when she's on duty. 90% of the time, the table is dirty. I considered talking about it with others, finding out if there's a policy in place which would make my actions prohibited and finally decided to take the bull by the horns. We've had 3 interactions about me cleaning the tables! So, I called her over and said, "I wanted to know if there's something I'm doing that is annoying you?" She responded with, "Management pays me to clean the tables, and that's my job." We continued: "Well you can't be everywhere at once, and ever since COVID hit, I've been totally focused on cleaning." She replied, "It's OK, you don't have to explain yourself to me." And I concluded with, "Thanks ___, it's not personal, I'm just this way. I want us to get along.

Predictable sleep continues with 5-6 hours in stage 1, then 2 hours in stage 2. Now if I could find a solution for falling asleep within an hour, instead of 2-3. Shutting down Wi-Fi  2 hours in advance is good in theory, longstanding habits are hard to break.

Speaking of habits. I got my Oxford University Press work book and started my awareness phase. Intense stuff.

Hi BeeKeeper,

I really like the things you've described here - the progress you're making, and reading about the interactions with the executive chef, and the woman who cleans the tables.  I think you have been very considerate in the things you've said to them both, and it looks like they responded well.  It doesn't seem small or mundane to me, it seems very significant and I feel like I want to use this symbol  :cheer: because it's energy channelled in a constructive and thoughtful way. 

I also wanted to say that I really appreciate being able to read the things you write in your journal - I love your creativity and your ability to do those beadings and other things.  I also remember things you wrote in the past, when you were here a few years back - and how you'd tackled de-cluttering, as that really helped spur me into doing some similar things.  So thank you for inspiring me, BeeKeeper.  I feel like you have a lovely 'essence' to your being - it comes across.   :hug:

Hope  :)

Thank you for the kind and thoughtful remarks Hope, I value your perspective.  :hug:  it was difficult to post those interactions, but I'm feeling reassured about my thinking processes.

July 15

The past week has been a wild "ride" in terms of learning emotional regulation. In my mind it's like I'm on a surfboard, attempting to balance, overcompensating, leaning over and almost falling, then regaining my balance. I'm still standing, but looking around I can tell there's a struggle going on. Messiness creeps in, clothes, pile up, things strewn all over. The cycle of life swings through.

Last Wednesday, I spoke with the co-owner of a consignment craft shop and it was a long conversation. He left me with a couple impressions, one was that he would consider my work for sale, his place was stuffed with many artists and there is no free space, when he takes people on, they stay for a "lifetime." Long story short(er) I spent the week assessing 10 years of work, taking photos of 3 amulet purses, and basically bringing the issue of consignment from the back burner to the front. It's always an emotional journey, since I've done multiple consignments, and learned some painful, important lessons.

Whether it's hearing loss, memory loss or simple misunderstanding, I received a response to the purse attachments sent via email. He "reminded" me of the lack of space, and the artist I would "replace" would have to retire first. This says a lot with what is here and what is not. Later on that. I was totally "flummoxed" because he was so specific in his reply. Everything said NO. My actual intent was not to ask for space but merely to have him react either positively or negatively to my work. Either it was up to snuff or not. So, in some ways, he said, heck yeah! and in other ways, he said not the right time. The one word is offered is "cool." It took all my self-composure to respond with: "Thanks for the reminder. When I have long conversations, I either miss or forget key points at times. I appreciate your patience."

Surprisingly, that sent me into a tailspin, even worse than the Barry episode, and I reacted with my tried and true unproductive distractions. Streaming media binge, horizontal position, dark rooms, anger, defeat, but a budding sense of acknowledgment of a bucket list item:

What to "DO" with my stuff?

That joins a long list of legacy items which have taken center stage in my brain, and it the lesson for extraction. It's really not about offloading my stuff, getting money or giving it away, it's how to send it along in the universe with a settled, calm feeling. Even deconstruction is a possibility because there's beads I could re-purpose. I could give as gifts. I know there's emotional work to do here, and if I want peace, I know I'll have to go through it.

Getting from this  :pissed: to this  :yes: is the journey. Fortunately for me, I have (virtual) friends to join me and my choice of methods and therapies.

Quote from: BeeKeeper on July 14, 2021, 05:08:37 PM
July 14

Progress continues! I'm taking small communication risks daily.

A well known store is close to me and I go there 4 times a week to sit in the cafe, and gaze out the window, listen to music, surf the web and sometimes post to various media. Management here is known for switching high level people every 2 years, and the executive chef has been sweet and accommodating to me. I debated on the best way to find out if he was slated for leaving, (he's not) and decided to bundle it with a compliment. First I asked "permission" by saying, "are you in the middle of something?" When he said no, I continued with: "I just want you to know you're appreciated. It's the little things you do without a fuss. I like that you're calm and there's no drama."

He received it well, touched my arm in response and we went on our way. This seems small and mundane, but I obsess over talking with people, but realize it's wasted energy.

On a different note, I also spoke with a cafe staff who appears to really mind that I clean my own table/chair when she's on duty. 90% of the time, the table is dirty. I considered talking about it with others, finding out if there's a policy in place which would make my actions prohibited and finally decided to take the bull by the horns. We've had 3 interactions about me cleaning the tables! So, I called her over and said, "I wanted to know if there's something I'm doing that is annoying you?" She responded with, "Management pays me to clean the tables, and that's my job." We continued: "Well you can't be everywhere at once, and ever since COVID hit, I've been totally focused on cleaning." She replied, "It's OK, you don't have to explain yourself to me." And I concluded with, "Thanks ___, it's not personal, I'm just this way. I want us to get along.

Predictable sleep continues with 5-6 hours in stage 1, then 2 hours in stage 2. Now if I could find a solution for falling asleep within an hour, instead of 2-3. Shutting down Wi-Fi  2 hours in advance is good in theory, longstanding habits are hard to break.

Speaking of habits. I got my Oxford University Press work book and started my awareness phase. Intense stuff.

Wow, "small" communication risks or not, I'm getting anxiety just thinking about those things you described and I think it's awesome that you're going for it. Nice!

These communication risks feel very brave to me! They seem like the kind of day-to-day interactions that I'd *like* to be able to having without being so anxious over them. And knowing people who've worked retail and food, what you said to the chef was inspiring. There's always more bad comments than good comments, and something that seems small to someone else can really make a person feel so much better about their day or even week! Kudos to you! :cheer:

Thanks Alter-eg0 and Cactus Flower for boosting my confidence and pointing out those interactions were "not small."  :hug:

July 16

Every time I look at one of the 4 calendars taped to the walls of my home, I am reminded that time does fly. Here we are, mid JULY! It's funny how time perception is so variable: the days might seem endless, the afternoons and night like eternity, yet....the world still spins, we're still here, already 2021 is more than half over.

Nose to the grindstone time. I've acquired 3 FOIL forms, village, town and state. I'll start with these, and see what happens. For each, there's a monetary piece. State is a flat $15, others at 50 cents a page. I've mentally rehearsed and "written" this dozens of times in my imagination, but now, making it real on actual paper.

The trichotillamania urges are still present, but inexplicably, I am able to intercept each one by moving my hand to either my side or an alternate strategy, my right bicep area. The book recommends coming up with different socially unobtrusive ways to adopt interruption mannerisms or techniques to squelch the real action.

So far, a curious thing has developed. As of last week, the pain associated with the hair pulling is no longer "comforting". Since I'm already in chronic pain from a variety of factors, it seems important to "cap" it and not add to it by feeling my anxiety and creating more work like vacuuming! (it all ends up on the floor) After a solid 51 years of managing this habit, it's a plus to change my perceptions.

I will pause here for an intermission and return with an update later.

It's "later" and I've done my first draft.

Two documents were invaluable for this effort, which is specific to my circumstances. First, my marriage license. Second, my divorce decree.

Fun fact for those who are making a Last Will and Testament; you will need your divorce decree to do so. This supposedly pre-empts anyone from contesting and trying to weasel in on your assets.

TRIGGER WARNING, details follow which some may find distressing Back to our story.
Timeline of 1974-1975
Sudden unexpected death of beloved maternal grandmother in June
Intentional death of mother in July
College enrollment and dis-enrollment October
Separation from H in early November
Moved from countryside to village November
Started job in December

Arson the morning of H's divorce appearance in late January
I was over 6 miles away.
3 fire departments responded, but within just over an hour, one two chimney's remained. 
informed same day by friends
investigated for arson by State Police
No charges filed
Life tragedy continued for decades

This is all the culmination of 46 years of "work." But I'm at a point I never thought I'd reach or even dream of. Talking about it, writing about it (granted anonymously but not for long!) and thinking about it outside of therapists' rooms, and zoom meetings.  I will allow myself to obsess and rewrite only so many times, then off it goes with a money order or whatever. Instead of "spraying the garden" county, state, etc. I'm watering the "Town Seedling" and see what happens. I may not even need more.

I'm proud of myself, still sitting upright, breathing normally, have not fainted and feel no twinges. Many people and random acts of kindness helped get me here. I owe the entire universe my thanks.

July 17

Catching up from a couple days ago, I DID clean out the frig! Mostly rinsing but wrestled the drawer out and now it's shiny without crumbs.
I seem to leave a lot of crumbs, everywhere...

Today I'm trying something new-habit reversal training at the cafe. When I go in the AM I buy a breakfast sandwich; with tax, $4.83. I'm aware this is an expense I could eliminate and put the $$ towards saving for a newer vehicle. So, baby steps. Bought a muffin instead for $1.50. This is a win-win because I saved $3.33 cash and Food Stamps covers the muffin. There are many ugly, long term devastating effects of the virus, but good things shine through. My state has given me the maximum benefit for about a year now. I've rearranged my entire budget, think twice before purchases, and in general it shaped me up to be even more frugal over time.

The fictitious name for the executive chef will be Luke. Arriving early at the store is a good bet for possible interaction. He's a hand's on guy and frequently comes into the cafe area to clean and tidy up. After some remarks about the new patio additions and decor, he asked me: "How are you doing? OK?"  I replied "Better than ever!" (And meant it too) and he left with: "It's good to see you."

There is only one other person in the entire world who ever asks me how I am doing. My GS. I think this says a lot about him and he really pressed me on what I did for myself on my birthday. Just stating the obvious here: for meaningful social questions, How are you, and waiting for an answer is fundamental.

Last night I went through some changes after my paperwork efforts. I decided to keep it consistent, retreat to the bedroom without wi-fi on which forced me to read a book. I chose Radical Compassion. Surprisingly, I discovered I am already doing what she recommends and calls a U-Turn. When we feel longing or missing something we don't have, to replace the outward object or person with seeing what we have inside us. For example: feeling only another person can give us love, validation, meaning, joy, belonging...can we find those feelings about ourselves, INSIDE ourselves? She has certain words for it, but I prefer to think of it as connecting to our capacity for self-esteem, love and care. Recognizing and remembering those attributes and qualities are central to wholeness.

2004-2005 were the beginning days of physical and emotional sibling care-taking. Rescuing from an eviction in another state, I  brought her to live with me, then arranged various housing and moves for the next 8 years. Doing each one. I went through all her paperwork, took legal control of her life, and abandoned my own. I've transferred the reins, extracted myself, discarded a lot, but found a couple things which survived in my archived computer files last night in a folder titled Narcissism.  :bigwink:

TRIGGER HERE:
The point is I found a little genogram she'd done and discovered, to my shock, that my maternal grandmother's father ended his life in 1929 during the stock market crash. That means she'd endured losing her father, lost her 19 year old son in an auto accident, and later, after her death. lost her husband to a legal dose of insomnia medicine. All in all tragedy seems to be a deep and wide part of my ancestry, on both sides. My goal is to interrupt and reduce inter-generational trauma. After 40 years, my D is now onboard with the program.  :yes:

Insomnia is a big part of my biological and physiological story, with medical confirmation from 2 sleep studies. Still, I'm doing relatively well, and managing to function somewhat better than I have.

BeeKeeper, I appreciate the update you shared.  The part about the chef and your GS being the ones to ask how you are and listen really struck me.  I appreciate the reflection of how important it is to stop and connect with others. 

rainy, thank you for noticing the importance of connections with others. An addendum to that post; sometimes a particular person is the only one who will speak to you that day.

July 18

The days of the Social Security Death Index being completely accessible to individuals without a paywall are long gone. Churches under the LDS umbrella have taken over with Ancestry. In an attempt to get past my anger, I thought more deeply about it, and visited some local websites, where the light dawned. Naturally churches always keep records of their members' births, marriages and deaths, so it has some basis in reality. I am now drawn back into my former work skills, research, with a trip planned to the city library to view their stash. A cousin is an accomplished genealogist and that may work out to reconnect in person with him.

Wading into my long dormant "issues" has pushed me against the window frame of my "window of tolerance." https://www.complextrauma.uk/uploads/2/3/9/4/23949705/tolerance_window_short_wot_handout.pdf (https://www.complextrauma.uk/uploads/2/3/9/4/23949705/tolerance_window_short_wot_handout.pdf) Not hyperaroused, but recalling many unpleasant and uncomfortable memories this morning. I'm not feeling the spark of possibility. Maybe that is because I know this is a clean up day.

As time goes on, my avoidance and procrastination tactics are less and less effective. It comes down to managing the emotions I expect to experience when confronting decisions, chronic fence sitting, etc. Theoretically this is all part of recovery and healing, but dread has become entrenched.

Since the only way out is through, I'll call on those parts of myself (metaphorically) which like a challenge,

wear boots
use power tools
create messes
balance precariously
willing to fail
enjoy finding solutions
like that warm glow of satisfaction

Re: balancing precariously
My last house had a garage, with overhanging trees. It was getting unruly and causing problems. So, not having tree trimming tools or saws, I took an old circular saw up on the garage roof, and proceeded to do some trimming. My neighbor was so worried, he and his wife stood in the driveway, cell in hand, ready to call 911. I thought that was hilarious, and still do. But acknowledge my behavior might be a touch on the risk taking side. :yes:

Update:
scanned some receipts
filed papers
recycled
took out the trash
put vacuum in bedroom
thawed dinner

Adding a task half done: deconstruction of a small tube covering a braided join.

((((((Bee))))))  :grouphug:

How are you?  :hug:

There's a lot for me to catch up on!

You've been way productive with boring, necessary tasks! Way to go!  :cheer:

Any more conversations with Barry? I got a little confused about what happened there, aside from you (maybe? But maybe not?) misinterpreting why he told you Monday was his first day off? I'm really proud of you though because you've opened yourself up and are taking any miscommunication in stride. Way to go!!

I'm also wow impressed, that you've been able to put details down on what happened in 1974/75...that's a lot of trauma all at once. I hope you get some answers on the arson you are seeking. I'm so sorry for the way that you lost your grandmother unexpectedly, and how she lost her father, and you your mother. The genetics of suicide is quite a topic. Uncomfortable. I'm so glad one D is up for breaking the cycle along with you. 💛👍

Hey hey Armee!  :hug:

Yep, time stands still for no one. I will give you the Reader's Digest condensed version after I slowly come down from my mind blowing HIGH of this morning.

The Records officer of my target county replied to me via email today!!!!!!!!!

My inquiry:
1. Is it possible to request in person access with no copies, as an alternative to copies? I realize this may be unrealistic. If records are found, an appointment to view would be appropriate and necessary, I assume.
 
2. My request is for records over 45 years old, and for that reason, nothing may be found. I want to submit funds in advance of the search, or do you prefer to levy a charge after a search?

In 1985 I came into the Government offices and viewed the records in person, but made no copies at that time.

His response:
Yes it depends on the record and type of search request.  We will accommodate as best we can.  If you made the request, also submit to me here via reply email so I can get it going for you.


Reasons I am ecstatic:

He replied when he got into work, vs totally ignoring me.
He indicated his willingness to do an in person visit.
He affirmed my disability and is willing to accommodate.

I've been buffeted by my lawyer mind, legal reasoning about where to start. With the Town FD, with the County? If county, which county? Multiple FD's responded covering 2 counties. SO! I finally came up with a decent reason which led me to look up Mr. Record Officer; this is the last line of my mail. If they held records in 1985, chances are they still have them, even if archived in another location. And bonus points, Arson does not have a statute of limitations. Yahoo!

I'll have to modify this later, because now my day has changed. I've done a page of preliminary report requests, depending on agency, and now will go back, edit, submit digitally and check off task #1.


Will definitely add the last details of the Barry story. I'm wearing my name brand stretch paisley blouse (turquoise & yellow) with my featured turquoise earrings in the Needle and Thread with... post. Someone commented on the blouse and how much they liked it.

Some days just start off well. Stay tuned!

 :cheer:

Getting a response from a bureaucrat is like striking gold!!! (Says the bureaucrat)

I hope they can find the records for you!!!!

Armee, YOU?! a bureaucrat? No problem, there are nice bureaucrats out there..... :yes:

My hours of work last Friday afternoon and evening paid off. I've gotten state, county, town and village FOIL forms. The State is most generous in that it's a 2 pager, with the second page (8.5 x11) completely blank for whatever narrative you desire. The County FOIL is 9 blank lines, the Town is 10 blank lines and the Village is 6 blank lines.

I've had quasi paralegal work/training, nothing official, so that's the way I think and write. Details upon details. Dates, date of birth, actual vs mailing address, Libers, pages of various books,  :blahblahblah:. A decade of work was spent doing that, so it's an ingrained habit. In falls under the heading of public record research, and is used by title insurance companies, banks, and unfortunately used intrusively by "bad actors."

I had pared down my record request description to the words, "all, excluding photographs." Since I visited the actual scene shortly afterward, I don't want any more images in my mind. Plus one reason for asking for a personal viewing, instead of paying for a hunk of paper is: What am I going to do with it later? One thought occurs, SHRED! but why pay to shred when I could bypass the entire thing? That's what I loved most about Mr. Record Officer's response, he was open to that possibility. Herein after he'll be Mr. RO

I filled out the online form because it allowed unlimited room. I had my bare bones paragraph, I had a "narrative" paragraph" and I had an "I'm deaf paragraph and this is the way you contact me best." Since I already included the I'm deaf one in my e-mail, I could eliminate that. My digital request will go past Mr. RO, plus he asked me to reply to his email so he could be sure to follow up. The confirmation "no-reply" mail I got from the county site was very very nice. Who knew trauma could be so cut and dried in just 4 paragraphs?!  :blink:

Because I am the way I am, I researched arson reports, legal classifications, and a bunch of other stuff to fold in little key words to be taken seriously. It also helps because certain "degrees" of arson are limited by facts/injury/destruction. There's 5 degrees in my state.  You gotta know the rules of the game before you play. I'm in good shape, it pays to do that prep work.  Enough on that.

OK the final chapter(s)? of the Barry story. Between the 2nd and 3rd full frontal hugs, I pulled away and during that pause he announced his next day off was Monday. (12th) I flew high for 2 days, but remained staunch in my conviction to let him make the next move. Due to a bunch of stuff I'm not disclosing, I thought he might need a nudge, and on Sunday I refined my strategy. It started with song lyrics, but then ended up with one word and one phrase.

I'm a scrapbooker, cardmaker, so I got out neon green paper, made a small rectangular folding card with purple and bright orange accents. The front contained his name. The inside contained the word Monday? in Curlz font, each letter a different color. The reverse contained the phrase, only if you get enough zzzzzzzs. I put in an envelope and taped it to his door. It was the first thing he should have found after a 16 hour shift Sunday night.

Monday morning comes and goes, afternoon ticks away. At 2:55 PM, I get a text: Hey BeeKeeper, did you leave a note on my door? I replied affirmatively. The next text cut my heart in two. What did it mean? He concluded with he was busy and that was that.

I made sure to be neutral and clear, without emoticons or punctuation. And I bared the entire episode to a young friend who knows both of us, and she validated my confusion and frustration. The conclusion is, for whatever reason, we did not interpret Thursday the same way, and he is not "ready" for continued interaction with me. That's tremendously confusing, but not unbearable.

Ending on a great note: I vacuumed my entire bedroom, in particular moved all furniture. What trich means (to me) is that the appliance is cleaned out afterward with scissors and pliers to extract tangled hair from the beater bar. I kept my hair short for 12 years to avoid pulling and the appliance cleaning task, but lately, I'm going through my second childhood, and my mane is 6 inches below my shoulders. :bigwink:

Update:  :phoot:

A county attorney has responded to me within an hour with a message that the Sheriff's dept has 20 days to locate and if they do, would I prefer to come in person or get copies? Disclaimer: They may not locate and if they do, I may not be granted access according to the law.

I responded with thanks, preference for in person viewing and my understanding of the limitations.  :cheer: Still holding out hope.

That sounds promising regarding Mr RO. I have my fingers crossed. I send you a :cheer: and a :hug:

Thank you Snowdrop! I am totally convinced without Mr. RO it never would have landed in the County Attorney's office and shuttled to the Sheriff. I appreciate the support and hug. It's further than I ever thought I'd get.

I'm keeping my fingers supremely crossed that they find responsive records for you! And if not that they are able to provide at least a trail of new clues for where to turn next.

What's your goal for seeing these documents again?  :hug: (that's a gentle inquiry, not an inquisition. You don't have to share or have a goal).

Barry. Men. They don't do innuendo. It meant: hey want to come by if you're not too tired?  :doh:

Armee, don't mind at all. My D asked the same thing.

I'm healing old wounds and letting go of old baggage. I've created my own narrative around it & want to know if it's the "fullest most accurate" one available. There may be one or more facts which I don't know that might shift and change meaning in a significant way.

Well. Barry. Men are from Mars, women aren't. I also wanted to use the same gif.

That makes so much sense...your reason for wanting to see the files, and I relate to that, a lot.   :hug:

I also wanted to catch up on older posts and cheer you on for all your progress with trichotillo.[..blerg I don't care for the "mania" part of that word.]  That really seems like such a hard thing to cure and it sounds like huge healing you've done recently.  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Armee,
I'm not fond of the medical name assignment, but I do love your word "Blerg"  :yes: Most everyone abbreviates that and says "trich." Thanks for noticing how hard it is, and I have made progress recently. The book suggests a bunch of strategies and I find some part of myself being resistant to all that. Like a kid folding her arms, with a big pout, "Don't Tell ME what to do!" I have found 3 things which have the potential to made a significant difference. We shall see. Although I am happy you care about older posts, please don't feel you need to delve into my story or "catch up."  :hug: IMO it puts one more thing on your daily to do list.

July 20

Yesterday I was so determined to get out-laundry drop off, and store sandwich, I forgot to take the RX. I took it early afternoon and think it may have screwed up my sleep cycle. (It doesn't take much!) Anyway, lately I've had very upsetting dreams about boundaries and "order".

Going back at least 10-12 years, I raised 2 of my grandchildren. Their home was perpetually in physical and mental chaos. I still dream about similar situations in which young children and adults are vying for my attention or task completion in the middle of utter chaos. My efforts to rein it in or control always fall short and I wake up with a hangover of sorts. Not sure how to address this specifically.

The other theme, which has been true lifelong, is that I am attempting to fend off one or more people from either busting in the door, or evicting them once they get in. It might have been something I read, because the group of people had a political overtone, strident, possible weapons. They were on a porch and absolutely refused to move off. These used to be infrequent but now they are regular nightly unconscious visitations. It takes me until the afternoon to regain my balance and confidence.

I get my medical care mostly covered by two hospital programs, but need to re-apply and show proof of income annually. I got a bee in my bonnet about the one that renews in September and planned to drag out all kinds of papers, and get the supporting documentation this morning. When I called to find an online form, I learned my timing was off by a month, and they would send out their own special renewal form in August.

In other news, I'm starting to sweat ordering the wrong size 100% cotton garment. My D gave me a present and I told her what size.  The 1st laundering shrunk it a little, the 2nd, a lot. I ordered a smaller size for myself between washes. Shipping charges back and forth would add up to over $20 and the order is for $36!  :'(  I called already, and they are open in 2 more hours. I send a plea on a Contact Us form, but who knows?

In my experience we need to find the magic trick yourself for reducing SH. For me, my T kept telling me 143...a Mr Roger's thing short for I Love You (as in I love myself)...1 for number of letters in "I", 4 for love, 3 for you. That never worked and just made me fight it. No I don't!!! But I accidentally found a trick. I normally am not good at caring for my skin and don't do anything. But on a whim i bought some rose water toner. Once when I caught myself in SH I stopped and put some rosewater toner on a cotton ball and as I wiped my face it felt so gentle and motherly, like wiping tears off a kid's face. So then I started doing that once I could interrupt the SH as a substitute action that is loving instead of harmful.

I'm glad you are finding some tricks that work too, and hope the book helps, and just want to reaffirm that what matters is what works for you.

I hope eventually those disturbing dreams lessen, as you work through the trauma and pain of the past 40 or so years. I want to give you a big  :hug: for helping raise your grandchildren. I probably would have died without my grandparents in my life. I'm sorry the repercussions of that are still biting you, though. My grandparents died nearly 20 years ago I still think about them and everything they did for me almost every day.  :grouphug:

I agree with Armee, it's all about whatever works for you. I discovered I don't pick with my right hand, as it's usually working the computer mouse and everything, being dominant. So I got some fidget toys and play with them in my left hand. So far, it's helped reduce it a lot. I do have to stop every now and then, as I have a bit of arthritis in my left thumb and it can start aching. But just having something to hold helps too.

Thank you Armee and Cactus Flower,

I think your points about finding substitutes, compromises and just randomly finding what works are great. I'm beginning to realize that I thought I knew everything about my behaviors, but not so. I like the ideas of wiping your face with rose water, and holding fidget toys in the non-dominant hand. The concept of interruption is valid and I am looking for ways to gently, kindly, sweetly INTERRUPT!

In families like ours, Grandparents were crucial to survival, only if they were "safe." I followed my D through 2 states to make sure those kids had a chance. Even though people are "gone" doesn't mean they are not in mind and heart.

Update PM

My efforts to intercept the shipping of the wrong size was successful. I spent 4-5 hours going through my paper compost pile. Much of it ended in paper recycling. I person I've engaged with (an author in Sweden) who usually responds in 24 hours has since left me hanging. Uncharacteristically, I sent a new mail expressed various concerns and repetition and condensation of my prior mail and finished with, "if you did not want to have me contact you, please say so in those words."
That shocked me a little, but that's the "MOOD" today.

Scanned old greeting cards, went through old beading magazines, consolidated two notebooks worth of beading patterns, made a table of contents,  filed financial papers,  ate at the kitchen counter AND at the table. Feeling cranky. One clarification about Zoom. I like Zoom and only when I knew my ex was possibly going to be in attendance at my D's shower did I experiment with filters. He never showed up.

My medication NP appointment is tomorrow and I like her even better than my T.  Anyway, the daily processes of life continue with clear space every now and then. Here's to facing reality, ending procrastination and completing projects.  :yes:

July 21

My medication Nurse Practitioner validated my thinking about Barry: if he's conflicted, ambivalent, "not ready" then that is a logical train of thought. As opposed to emotional questioning of myself, what I may have done or said do push him away. Nope. Won't go there. I mentioned the nightmares and residual daytime vulnerability and she wants me to track it. She also encouraged me to keep making social conversational contact, (i.e. Luke) to overcome isolation.  All in all, she and I both feel I'm on the correct SSRI dose and I'm doing well.

I've found the current banter here about finding unique ways to aid the coping process to be most relevant to my experience. Lots of specifics I could name here, but the blanket cover-all term is one's willingness to be open to surprises (sometimes bad but if we try it can still feel better).

This is harder than it might sound at first. After all, trying to emerge from decades of traumatization causes one to carefully negotiate just about anything one does. Surprises? Who wants 'em? And yet ...

While I still don't purposely seek 'em, I started noticing that even some of the most awful surprises worked out to be of some benefit more often than not.  Had I planned or expected certain results, especially if I did so with certain expectations, the stack of "I-hope-it-goes-perfectly" cards can easily topple.  :fallingbricks:

As a careful perfectionist, I try to pick out the best way to avoid the pitfalls; and sure enough, can end up in the pit. But not always! So while I don't expect every surprise to turn out well, it's now in my pool of possibilities at least. I still hesitate to move forward, but along comes the 'then again' surprise. Considering some of the things that turned this way were nothing short of shocking to me (mind you, I'm hyper-sensitive to begin with)  :aaauuugh:.

Sounds like I'm in some great stage of recovery. I highly doubt that, but I'd  rather it surprised me if it pans out as true. I of course try to navigate the best course I can find, while also being aware that well, it just might pan out different than what I expected.

I might even surprise readers of this mini-discourse  :blahblahblah: by ending ... now!  :)

Hey woodsgnome,

glad you came.  :hug:

Quoteone's willingness to be open to surprises (sometimes bad but if we try it can still feel better).

:yes:

Absolutely, positively, 100% true. Thanks for bringing it up. We actually have no choice in life surprises, and being willing to find meaning, like that old silver lining, helps a lot.

Your comment that even some of the most awful surprises worked out to be of some benefit hits the bullseye. Hesitation, sure. But then, if there's no risk, no reward. I like the way you acknowledge the expectations. If there's one thing I feel hit me over the head is "watch out for those expectations!" Not by you, per se, but from universal repetitive experience! And now, I think that's starting to be part of my daily awareness.

Describing yourself as a careful perfectionist, hyper-sensitive, with longings of "I-hope-it-all-goes-perfectly". Oops, is there a DNA gene pair for that? Dang! But wait. I have allowed myself one area where I know things won't be perfect and I engage when I'm feeling like I can take the heat. Sad but true, it's at a worktable with small tiny objects called beads. I can spend HOURS ripping out mistakes & trying again X unknown. Actually, epiphany time, I might take those lessons and release them in the world when I "go out!"

Randomly I'm having thoughts about "solutions" to perplexing situations which are surprising. Like is it possible to engage in lucid dreaming to confront my fears of chaos? What would that look like? Well, for one thing, what I would do now is just leave, instead of continuing my efforts to "fix and create order."  Or what if I looked at my sadness and misery about not being in my D's family's presence by recognizing that we've hardly ever agreed on ANY major life issues and perhaps this is a sneaky way of preserving our relationship, so we DON'T get together, when I inevitably melt down?  :yes: Hmm, I'm liking those thoughts. Naturally my heart melts when she sends me almost daily text photos of her baby. But in many ways, I feel more connected to her husband and her than I ever have in the past.

The absolute biggest surprise of all came from within myself in the hours after my birthday "guest" left my place. A torrent of good feelings about myself, towards myself, washed over me. I was able to take brief snapshots psychically and compare those feelings with the protective and fearful stance from just 6 hours earlier. Even better, I kept that power to myself and didn't give it to my guest. No, I'm good, and worthy. No one needs to bestow that on me, because if that's true then the person doing the bestowing has control.  :blink:

A new experience. Shortly thereafter I stopped a decades long self-harm habit which raged out of control since March 2020. And now, it has remained in either remission or hiding or healing. Whatever. This is not a coincidence.

Hi BeeKeeper,
I have just been admiring your intricate beadwork, which you entitled 'deconstruction of a small tube covering a braided join' and I think it's gorgeous.  Lovely colours you chose too.  It's beautiful.    :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope.  :hug:

The braid I covered was 16 strands, my most complex ever. In yesteryear 2012 I was big on braiding and taught it at public events. Just the simple act of taking that apart seems to be pushing me towards picking it up again. 

July 22

I passed a check out which had juvenile plush toys and was stopped in my tracks by a little owl. She's made by Douglas Cuddle Toys, in (drum roll) CANADA. https://douglascuddletoy.com/ (https://douglascuddletoy.com/) I bought her, but she's not on the website.

A strange and wonderful thing happened. I'm now reading about lucid dreaming and techniques to try before sleep to develop it. Outcome is that I had a moment of lucid dreaming when I recognized a photo of my paternal grandparents and in the dream knew exactly why I was seeing it.

YIKES! Nothing bad. The only photo I've hung up now is one of my grandfather when he was in his mid 20's. He's wearing a military uniform and the photo is all sepia colored. Our of all my ancestors, he's my shining star, for his early life accomplishments, his ability to write a long letter and his reference to himself as "a Lucky Boy."

That is so cool that you figured out how to have a lucid dream!!!! Grandpa.  :hug:

Armee,  :yes: My lucky boy!  :yes:

A bit surprised about that moment of recognition, don't expect it to continue, but  gratified that it happened so soon after my attempt.

My implant processor has one of three places it rests; In it's dehumidifier, in a pants pocket, or on my desk. Since it is so integral to my functioning, I know where it is 99.99% of the time. That other .01% is the part that terrifies me. My memory has holes in it now and then and it's a Herculean task to remember even what I wore the previous day. I was able to connect enough synapses to recall when I removed it and where I put it when I went to the store. From then on-ZERO. I tore apart the couch, looked under everything I owned on the floor, went through every single pocket, shirts, jackets, jeans, Nothing. I laid down and imagined myself at the store and tried to remember if I listened to music. Couldn't recall a thing. Suddenly, I had an image of it in the cup holder of my car. OH SPIT! That is bad, bad, bad. I got up, went out, and there it was. Unharmed, batteries out. It should have been a happy occasion from which I bounced back, but I couldn't function for 3 hours.  :thumbdown: The main take away is that my feelings about the implant have been conflicted and influenced by the virus and how it has isolated me from normal interaction and daily speech. Kind of like getting that new bike for your birthday and then not being able to ride it much, if at all.

RANT Warning Ahead:

I'm reading Kizzie's recommendation of Steven Pinker's Enlightenment Now. I understand we all wish our hopes and desires would be realized, and that all of our choices would yield expected results. It's incredibly self-centered to want to believe that modern technology could and would bring me back into the hearing fold. First, there was the realization that the surgery itself caused permanent pain on the left side of my skull. Second it was the reality that despite my wholehearted rehab efforts and persistence, the gains fell short of allowing me easy "un-accessorized" access to social groups and situations Then, like a lightning bolt, to finish me off,  illness descended on the world bringing masks, distancing and other aberrations. Wait! There is one saving grace-I can hear music with Bluetooth and that saved my sanity. It also powered a great deal of my cPTSD recovery. How? By listening to old music and by processing, albeit slowly, the memories that emerged.

Monday's  high of being heard and getting into the system was short lived. For the last 3 days it feels like dragging a ball and chain. I've been productive, accomplished things, taken care of myself but that veil of something has descended. I heard back from my Swedish friend, who was very gracious to me. When I read other journals here, I'm reminded of things I've repressed and submerged. I feel false to even offer my thoughts.

The one bright note is my little cuddle owl. Last night in bed, I put her on my ear left ear, That was shockingly soothing. I wish I could just keep it there, and tie a scarf to hold it in place! That one piece of bean filled covered fabric was instrumental in accessing long dormant, limited, cozy feelings about childhood bedtimes, when I listened to lullabies.

Time has reinforced a growing feeling of unfairness and anger at the ways so many of us were set on a course of life-long pain from which we have to "recover" and struggle. When I first learned of the actual biological realities of incomplete attachment, lack of mirroring, all of it, I did not believe it. (12 years ago) Since then, not only do I believe it, but I see the effects, every day, everywhere, with everything!

I love that you found an owl that spoke to you and is offering comfort. I sleep with a giant stuffee pineapple. "Piney" and it goes on road trips too.  My D likes to snitch on me and spill the secret to all. Friends, friends' parents, teachers, neighbors, even my mom. Whatever. Need the snuggles. You need the snuggles.

I can't imagine how terrifying it would feel to misplace the implant or be afraid it got ruined in a hot car.

Your anger right now, about everything, Bee, is appropriate and right. Just lean on into it. Feel some for me, k?  :hug: And when it morphs into something else we'll still be here.

I know you are a fan of Tara Brach and I wonder if you caught the one with Kristen Neff from June 18? I really liked that one...talking about mama bear fierceness, toward yourself.

Armee,

thank you for the courage, confidence and humor you showed here in your Piney reveal.  :bigwink:

Kristen Neff and I are not on good terms, I don't know why..but I will check that out.

July 23
The only noteworthy thought I had this morning was the "possibility" I put a ridiculous amount of expectations on myself and what I do for others.  :yes: Allowing a lower standard, good enough efforts, and just plain kindness would go a long way for me. Measuring the present against the past is dangerous, because "used to be" is not necessarily valid, as others have pointed out. I've gotten that incompletely; now it's time to bring it over the goal line.  :aaauuugh: another expectation!!!!!!

Avatar/Name addendum: I've settled on a new image (yellow and pink flower with bee atop and my two forum names now.

Such a bright beautiful avatar!

I think your goal of lower expectations for yourself with an ultimate goal of kindness seems perfect and genuine and like a win win for everyone, honestly. We shouldn't give more than we can.

I haven't any experience with Kristen Neff prior to hearing this podcast mostly because me and self compassion are mortal enemies so I wouldn't pick up her work.

How's the grieving today?

hey, beekeeper, (love the avatar)

something you wrote really struck me. that of feeling false to even offer your thoughts due to things you've repressed and submerged.  to my mind, repression and submersion of parts of ourselves, whether it be choices, actions, behaviors, thoughts, feelings, etc, have been survival skills our brains have chosen as the best way to stay sane and alive.  i've submersed and repressed so much just to make it through a life filled with one calamity after another, but i don't think it means i'm always that person or always continuing to do those things. 

i think as we progress with our recovery of our true selves, we'll be able to more clearly see how those skills have helped us survive whatever we've been thru.  my T recently told me that i may have acted one way in the past, am acting differently now, but those skills helped me to get to today, so the person i was is not worthless, useless, or bad.  instead, she did what she had to do to make it thru, and those skills still come in handy at times, even as i'm growing out of a place where i have to use them as much.

i don't know if this is making sense, or if it feels relevant to you.  if not, just ignore it, please.  it just struck this chord with me and felt very familiar, something i'm only beginning to tackle.  i think it's a wonderful piece of introspection for yourself, something you can build on and grow from.  just be kind and gentle with yourself, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

Armee,

Thanks for the avatar compliment. The grieving let up Friday.

san,

Thanks too for the avatar compliment, bright pinks and yellows say happy to me. I appreciate your points about accepting past behavior as necessary survival tactics, and I agree. I see my past experiences reflected, yet a lot of those took a long time to resolve, so it's tricky to strike the right balance. Reading also allows MORE forgotten things to come to the surface, and then it all collects in consciousness. Doing my best to be kind and gentle.  :hug:

July 24

I had a minor guardrail scrape today in the car, and my mirror hit a thruway reflective sign. The hinge allowed the unit to smack against my window and the mirror went flying off the car.

No one was hurt, just :doh:

We've all done that...I think.  :grouphug: I'm glad it's just the mirrorm  ;D

Keep up being gentle and kind to yourself. You deserve it.  :hug:

Armee, yes, "just" the mirror. Last time it was $450 worth of new tires and rims.  :yes:

LIbby, I'm borrowing a comment you made to a newcomer post by witnessofthelucidhypocrasy. You said:

QuoteI have often felt like I was carrying all of their pain, for them. So that they... could continue to function, despite unfaced issues.

This is an idea I've come across before, but never struck me as relevant until now. I was born with a birth defect which prevented me from walking. It was a simple fix, but my Mother was adamant that it not be done. My Father prevailed and it was done, granted over a year and a half late. I can only imagine my Mother's despair at being 25 and having 3 small children, with the baby having a "problem" which her religion didn't allow her to address. Over time, my Mother was alternately jealous of my talents or enraged by my efforts to put up physical and emotional boundaries. I've spent a lifetime of feeling our pain, she had the same abusive perpetrator, and died from his sleep prescription. (the "narrative" was heart medication)

Due to the decades of underdeveloped social skills I had, my personal relationships were always fraught with some kind of drama. Still are. But, my T and I have worked out a goal; to became aware of my martyr behavior and calling a halt to it, SOONER. Baby steps. Periodically I make vows and goals to "die" ____________. Fill in the blank with peaceful, aware, content, empowered, assertive-you get the picture. There's little time now to really put in the work but nobody promised life is easy.

With every small and large setback, I seem to go under first, then eventually bob back to the surface, where a couple of chromosomes on some obscure strand of DNA get together and say, NO WAY! Being older has made life into a real balancing act, and school, where the lessons I didn't get the first 20 times, present themselves again.

Joni Mitchell lyrics Gandolf publishing 1967

I've looked at life from both sides now
from win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all.

Bee,

I often feel at a loss for useful words when replying to your posts. The reason is because I am always struck by how resilient and wise you seem, despite everything you've been through and are going through. I learn so much from reading your posts. 

I am so sad that you had to carry the pain for both you and your mom. It's not a role for a child to have to do that. You shouldn't have had to do that. You should have had someone to carry your pain. But it is a testament to your beauty and strength. I know it isn't without its cost, too so I don't want to glorify that strength either. Just.  :hug:

Armee.

Thank you for the interest, empathy and hugs. It helps to write these things out and "be seen and heard." I'm practicing writing and talking about my narrative, and bringing everything out from the shadows, where it was assumed all history was stored. This is part of my legacy to my daughter and family. She might not express her caring in a way I feel it, but my grandchildren do, and for me that's enough.

The New York Times has a Style section in which they publish Modern Love stories of 100 words or less. I keep my subscription only for this feature! Sometimes it just changes my day. This isn't one of them, but sweet just the same.


A 'Conspiracy of Affection' A Modern Love Story

While vacationing in London's Clerkenwell neighborhood, I found a dance class that seemed doable: "Limbering, Tuesdays 6 p.m." The next evening I found the stately brick building just blocks from my rental. Everyone welcomed me warmly. "Where should I stand?" I asked the teacher, who I guessed was in her 80s. When she didn't respond, I was surprised. "She can't hear," the student beside me said. "But it's OK, we all know the routine." I joined this conspiracy of affection and followed along so that our teacher, buoyed by her devoted students, could continue doing what she loved most. — Sue Books

i think it's a wonderful goal, bee.  becoming aware of something we say or do is such a great first step toward resolution.  there's a difference between being victimized and remaining in the 'victim' mode.  how very brave of you to tackle this.  personally, i think you'll find great personal rewards as you continue down this path.

keep at it, ok?  sending love and a hug filled with support   :hug:

thank you san! How right you  are! This point is one the main things I've thought about for a while now. Some of the programs out there to help want to have you permanently accept a label:

Survivor of___________
Recovering ________
Adult child of ___________

I'm not feeling it. And I discovered long ago that feeling continually victimized is the same way-it reserves a part of my brain to look for confirmation.

July 26
Feeling good although woke up before 6, Waking up does not = getting up!  :yes: Called my mechanic to look for an aftermarket part, will continue making a shower gift for my friend on the building staff. (it's good to have a surrogate daughter!) Will wait for a text from Barry for the time of our coffee date this morning.

Yes, friends, Barry is back. After some denial or confusion on his part about communicating with me, he's not willing to "let go." A surprising thing happened in the mean time. My epiphany for the month, actually. It has to do with acceptance, not mine, but others. The fact is I'm functionally deaf. Although I can access a bunch of technologies and act as though I'm hearing, it unfortunately confuses and fools people into thinking I'm hearing. And I've put up with that confusion with it's passive hurt for too long.

So here's the deal: if you don't or can't "get it", then you are not going to be an important part of my life. I won't allow it. And if you do "get it" great! Let's see if we agree on our values, and if so, I look forward to our learning from each other.  :thumbup:

That's a really important realization to develop this month, Bee. You are deaf. There are awesome tools but they are not the same as "hearing" as we are all used to the concept, and in fact and come with some significant repercussions (like pain, ambient noise, and the potential for losing them!). It seems important to be around people who are able to enjoy you as you, with hearing, without hearing, with tools and technology, and without it.

I hope things go well with Barry today. 💛

love that strength, fortitude, and sense of self-acceptance!  it sounds so powerful and right for you.  well done! :thumbup:

hope your date goes well and you have a good time.  love and hugs :hug:

Update: Thanks for the support and affection!

My coffee date lasted 7 hours.  Coffee, farmer's market. road trip, lake overlook, dinner ,Addressed everything right up front. Yeah me!  :applause:

Learned about the delay and reasons for the voice calls.  :'(  too private to share.

A delightful wonderful day filled with laughter, good music and tenderness.  :sunny:

 :cheer:

 :cheer: and  :hug:

 :cheer: and  :hug:  Your coffee date sounds so great.   :)

Wwwwwhhooooaaaa!!!! That is some coffee date!  :cheer:

You addressed everything up front, too!!!! (((((Bee)))))) this is amazing!

Armee, san, Snowdrop, Hope  :grouphug:

Before I get into it, I want to thank Armee and san for your special words of acknowledgment about my deafness trials and encouragement to stay the course. It really touched me and meant a lot. It's directly influenced my thinking and behavior which lead to earth shattering changes for me.

July 27

:blink: OK, where are we? Oh yeah. I remember now.  :yes:

So, it order to make sense of all the confusion, I decided to shine a brief light on Barry's life. Immediately after our first date, he faced an unexpected family death and he prioritized his support for his kids. The voice calls were because he didn't have my email and it was not text message appropriate. He thought I could listen to voice mail messages, amplify them and go from there.

The major points of yesterday were:

His first words yesterday were: "How are you doing today?" All my issues were front burner and he kindly and sweetly encouraged that. The narrative, mood, emotions, tone, everything was coherent and fit together exactly as I would have expected. I am going to put aside modesty and say I am SO PROUD of myself for bringing it all up, not waiting and "seeing" guessing and observing from the sidelines. NOPE. Right out, "this is what I need, tell me why you didn't give it when you said you would." Dang. That used to come in the midst of screaming yelling arguments, not a calm, curious, respectful introduction. So, that's different. He welcomes all conversation.

We talked about our daughters, he has two, I have one. They are all in their 40's. Then he revealed a showstopper: "I've never spanked my girls. All I had to do was look at them." Then he described his discipline technique which was rational conversation about what happened, why it was wrong, how to learn from it and to not do it again. From other things he's said, this all fits with his viewpoints about family relationships, social relationships and his attitude on life. His motto: Learn from your mistakes, (cause we all make 'em) Typing the words needless to say is so redundant, but Trigger Warning:  for a person who felt the bristle end of hairbrushes, wooden spoons, yardsticks.... I feel safe with him.

His words and actions are aligned. He looks at me with well, I've never seen it before :Idunno: ....admiration, appreciation, affection. I've been alone for 35 years and often wondered if I was destined to end this way. I've spent 3 years opening up myself up to the thought of a partner of some sorts, imagining what that would be like. I've discussed this with my T, and she thinks overall, my ability to let go of my rigid thinking patterns has allowed me to make friends with this idea.

Critical to all of it is:
1.  allow me to grow at my own pace
2.  don't expect a one way street, the street is named "Reciprocity"
3.  love me or get outta my way!

I'm gonna end it here with a summary: With Barry, whatcha see, is whatcha get. (there's song lyrics for that too!  :bigwink: )

HUGS!  Congrats on that date and Barry sounds pretty special. I can only imagine how I might have turned out had rational discussions been a part of discipline. I hope it works out for you and he respects your needs. :)

Thank you Sage/Cactus Flower.  :hug: Going forward, I'm calling you Sage unless you would prefer not. It's just shorter to type and I always have to think really hard about the word "Cactus!"

This is all new to me. I don't recall EVER having a calm conversation about needs, wants, issues, except maybe professionally.
For kids, even more so. And that's the extra sad part of our stories, what might have been, what we could have done, who might be in our circles of support now. I don't think that will ever completely "go away" but maybe lessen over time.

Quote from: BeeKeeper on July 27, 2021, 06:42:50 PM

For kids, even more so. And that's the extra sad part of our stories, what might have been, what we could have done, who might be in our circles of support now. I don't think that will ever completely "go away" but maybe lessen over time.

:hug:

As we heal, we may focus on other things. Thanks Armee  :hug:

Update:

Yesterday was a total  :stars: mind bopper for me-I only posted some, not all. Having a bit of a reflective afternoon with so much to grind through the old noggin.

County FOIL was answered in one week: no records found.
State FOIL completed today, being mailed out with payment tomorrow. Their process is different because of the volume etc. They require check or money order to clear before putting on their Sherlock Holmes hats. I gave them double on the off chance they have it, I want it certified. Don't ask me why.

This is likely to be the longest haul. But a good check might accelerate the process.  On the down side, I like my checks to clear quickly, and must adjust my patience. If nothing there, I'll submit the last one to the Town. IMO the lowest possibility.

I didn't get a chance to work through the Sheriff's reply before going on my day trip date. Therefore, it all kind of backed up into one mental mosaic glob. What is worthy of mention is that Barry chose the specific area and nearby environs where this all happened as his route. I didn't ask, but he did. I agreed because I wanted to explore my reactivity or absence. He was solicitous of my mental state, and I was OK with everything until I saw the name of a "back road" I used to take between points. It's a strange and unforgettable name- to reveal is to lose anonymity. Anyway, I seem susceptible to being triggered by street signs, 2 years ago it was the name of the County Seat where H#1 went to get the divorce. I came through mostly well, then and now.

What impresses me most is that I had vague plans of asking Barry to take me to the scene, after all the FOIL machinations were done-regardless of the outcome. Now, I see that if there is any energy field in the universe, it gave me a dress rehearsal. My D is quite taken with the idea of energy vibrations and alignment. I'm reserving judgment.

Bee.  :hug:

I'm sorry that the county record search was a dead end. It'd be normal to feel a bit deflated. I'm super happy though you still have a few more places to try.

I think it seems really magical that you and Barry went to where you thought you might ask him to take you. I hope you're doing ok today though from the triggering.

Hope you're doing okay, Bee. Sounds like you have a lot of things in the works and Barry sounds supportive.

I'm not 100% certain what it is you're looking for or what FOIL means (freedom of information lookup? letter?), but there are sometimes alternatives. When I was doing some genealogical research that was hard due to some records being lost in a fire at the county level, the local library was a treasure trove. A librarian not only looked something up for me, they kindly sent me copies of the town directory and some newspaper notices. (back in the very very early days of "phone books") Just a thought, but librarians are often happy to help look up things of local interest and history when they can. I'd never even known there was a town directory. Maybe someone can help you think of alternate locations where information might be held. I wish you luck.  :hugs:

Armee and Sage,  :hug:  :hug:

Thank you so much for the sympathy and suggestions. First, I thought it was very interesting that Barry took me (without asking!) But I had planned to ask him much later! Yep, I'm OK, road signs are over within a 30 minutes.

Sage, wonderful ideas, and a great reminder to me. I had thought about all this IF everything came up empty, but good to bring up now since I may get what I need without planning on it. My fairy godmother scenario is to dress up rural: plaid shirt, hair in braids, processor on top of hair, so people can wonder, "what the?", very worn denim jeans and find a little hole in the wall cafe where the "old-timer's" hang out. Then sit down with a group, pretend I'm the daughter of my neighbor back then, and ask if they remember anything about that "old converted schoolhouse fire in the mid 70's by Werner's farm."

July 29

So, this is actually my 2nd journal post today. The previous one was lost due to my hand grazing the keyboard in the wrong way. Since then, I have mastered what I knew was gonna be ratty; finding the EXACT Word alignment to perfectly match the diabolically spaced lines at 7/64" on the Town FOIL form. (For typesetters out there, it's theoretically in PICAS!)

Short info break here. Yes, the Freedom of Information Law allowed ordinary citizens access to government records
Each municipality has it's own:
Freedom of Information Request Form.
their own rules
their own letterhead
their own record access types with exemptions
their own payment policies
routing or ignoring policies

Back to our story:
The college librarian and I discussed the problem. A non-fillable pdf form which has teeny tiny lines and spaces.
Option 1. get a typewriter
Option 2. ask the Town for an advanced Adobe form which has the refillable pdf
Option 3. hand write
Option 4: print on plain paper, cut out each line, like a ransom note, glue onto the lines
Option 5: spend unlimited time groping in the dark and adjusting top margin, font choice, font size, paragraph spacing before, paragraph spacing after and choosing line spacing of "exactly" with matching font and size.

If I lost you here, you're not the only one. Bring out the pillows for a BORING snooz-er-roo! Take out the noise makers for the successful execution after only 1.5 hours!!!! Tried option 3 first.  :thumbdown:

I chose Option 5 because it took the Town 2 weeks to respond to my email! The chances of them having advanced software and knowing how to use it=the hot place freezing over.

Feeling good and going to pace myself now. Enough for one day. Unfortunately the morning brought me signals that my aging neck is protesting my treatment of it. PAIN, pain, pain. Impairment of  flexion, extension and rotation.  :'( It's not critical nuclear stage, but the warning sirens are blaring. Sent off a request for a PT referral and treating myself very gingerly. Advance warning of what critical nuclear means: PT twice a week, (there goes vacation!) neck retraction for 30 minutes each time, reduced functioning and no sleep over 45 minutes for weeks on end. 

One day at a time. Take care friends.

Take care of that neck! It sounds like a very difficult avalanche of pain that you are very familiar with!

Yep Armee, familiar and terrified. So far, no changes-plus or minus. Taking it v-e-r-y easy. So easy that I laid down for a rest after breakfast, and slept soundly and safely for 3 more hours.  :blink: Woke to up a couple of happy texts from my D and Barry.

July 30

How did we get to the end of July? The world turns, we ride.

This morning, I read (reread) part of Derren Brown's book Happy, simply because JamesG.1 said it helped him. It's helping me too with tethering myself to reality, instead of allowing myself unlimited fantasy accompanied with my own version of Disneyland. He makes the point that we have desires, that's all good, but so much of life is out of our control that the path we take is on a "diagonal" rather than from "goal" to achievement. He writes a lot about philosophy and compares thoughts among them. I like his process and his observations.

I spent a bit of time reading around many parts of the forum on the years where I was staying in my own part of the playpen. Sobering and familiar. I didn't need to be sobered, but I am surprised by the sheer tenacity and will and life force that's shown in peoples' stories. I see many things which are parallel to my own experience, but would never, ever, bring out here. Not that it would be foreign, but it would be feeling too vulnerable and exposed. Kind of "not there yet". But I  :applause: everyone who has done so, and congratulate you on your trust and growth.

Barry and I have yet to find our comfortable style. Feast or famine, but we are still new. This weekend will be good, with promises of lunch and license plate repair.  :yes: The main thing which strikes me is that all the things I want for myself, FROM him, I am capable of giving to myself. The main thing is integration. Sweeping up all the shattered parts, putting them back together and living with a complete conscious self. I don't need HIS self, I need mine, Being around him allows me to accept those parts and welcome them back. That is a totally different game than in my youth. I wanted a rescuer, savior, care-taker. Now I want myself to be whole.

July 31

I completed the license plate repair today with one trip to AutoZone, a nylon license screw nut and a Husky hammer. (That's the short version)

This morning I watched myself morph into an obsessed maniac. It was about manipulating split rings for my traveling stylus family. I bought a kind that has a small metal loop at the top to attach to a lanyard.  :blahblahblah: My goal was to attach to a certain removable key apparatus. I have all kinds of pliers and tools, but when I run into dexterity issues, my patience goes out the window. Within 20 minutes I became irrational, irate, angry and impatient. I saw it happen. I told myself to stop. I didn't stop. That hasn't happened in a good long while. So I can say, WOW! she's still in there. I see what sets her off. I'm glad that I have time to re-balance, since "B" and I meet in about 4 hours. He's bringing food and making me brunch.

It feels like I'm inching back to some rational thought most of the time. I allow myself plenty of observation to see where I am, how I got there and how I'm handling it. I noticed just a couple days ago, I can have emotionally laden memories without being distressed, the way I used to. That's new, hopeful and a little scary at the same time. I see it as a plus though because instead of labeling them "intrusive", I'm standing back and saying, "OK, here we are, I'm going to see if this passes." And for now, it does. Certainly part of emotional regulation for me, and my willingness to accept all parts, whatever they remember and however they feel about it.
I couldn't have gotten to this point without the forum.   :grouphug:

PM Update: in 6-8 hours. Cliffhanger?!?

Cliffhanger indeed! Hope it goes well.

Wow. I need to learn from this post. Observing and accepting. I'm still shoving everything I don't like about myself away. Thanks for sharing this with us. It helps me. I love that about this forum. We do things like posting for ourselves and others help us and we help others. Just by focusing on our recovery.

Armee,

To borrow Beatles lyrics, it's been a long and winding road to learn how to observe and accept. The first step is non-negotiable: to be compassionate towards and with yourself. That was the toughest for me because, well you know. the decades of judgmental self-talk. And it's deeply ingrained. The biggest thing is to start questioning and breaking that up. It's actually a habit, like anything else, the more you practice the better you get. Unfortunately for this self-talk, when it's challenged you feel "false", like you're lying and it doesn't sit well with the conscious mind.

There are other thoughts, coming from other parts of ourselves that are more balanced, and sympathetic, but the judgmental one is loudest and most intense, so we hear that above the rest of the chorus. 

But good news! Like any new thought pattern, and neural network, it can be changed. You gotta keep at it, and jump on the smallest automatic thoughts. Even if they don't come obviously packaged, you feel the thought because of the nearly immediate reaction you have to it.

Kristen Neff was my starting point, and then I went to Tara Brach. In  between there were blog posts, academic journal articles, books, therapy and zig-zagging all over the place. It took me over a decade, but things are starting to shift and change.

Absolutely your sentiments:

QuoteI love that about this forum. We do things like posting for ourselves and others help us and we help others. Just by focusing on our recovery.

August 1

Finishing up on July, yesterday was a bit of a counterpoint to the wonderful highs we've had. The neck pain, and migraines have intruded now on my life in a significant way. I was able to hold it together until about half an hour before his arrival. By then, I was laying on my pillow wedge on the couch with the curtains pulled halfway against the full sun streaming in. I'd prepared my bedroom with blackout conditions. I thought I took a half tab of medicine, but when I returned to the kitchen, there is was on the counter. A sure sign that things were going downhill.

He was solicitous at the beginning of our 3 hour brunch. He listened well, we talked about his vacation plans, and he cooked for me. During that time, I laid back down and saw myself starting to cry. Instead of stomping it down, which actually causes me physical pain, I let it take its course. Turns out it was short lived. Curious.

We shared a lot of personal information which was, in my mind, the deep dark secret category. Heavy stuff with attendant grief and sorrow. I voiced some of my family history which has weighed heavily on me. I talked about myself too, but of long past struggles. I mentioned trauma, just the word, not the subject(s) and tried to make a point that that was a big part of myself.

Towards the end of our time, he wanted to get physical. That's always a dance for me. I do, but at my own pace. My own pace is firmly in place with clearly marked flashing signs, wide lines, guardrails and a bit of a gravel shoulder. I am adamant about staying there until I see his behavior over time. Words are OK, but actions still speak loudest for me. There have been a couple of words and actions that made me cringe. 

The end of the story is I retreated to bed and stayed there for 14 hours. During that time, I had a long distressing dream which followed the same theme as my top nightmares, being lost and unable to get to safety. This one was different in that it was partly lucid. By that I mean it contained a lot of details which you wouldn't expect of a dream like that. Particularly how my inability to use the telephone prolonged the story. And I even recalled part of the numbers in reality that I would have to use. I don't think you get more lucid that that. Still I couldn't bring myself out of it, but marveled at the cornucopia of life elements which were reflected so totally. Even with all that, I'm OK this morning, since I'm able to respect all the ways I  processed it and will continue to take it slowly. There's a lot to unravel there.

Today is gonna be day 3 without caffeine/coffee. I intuitively sense that it might be best to lay off now. My PCP responded to my request for a referral by saying he needed to see me first. Ooops. I forgot the HMO rules. I found a par of misplaced earrings yesterday and am so happy about that. Everything is feeling under (what little) control I have, so that's a plus. Going out for a walk.

Update:

I like to use the words epiphany and enlightenment a lot, and I get excited and satisfied when two seemingly unrelated thoughts connect together. It started to rain as soon as I was ready to go, so I amended my plans and went to get salad type food instead. I'm slowly breaking my habits to eat processed sugar, sugar, sugar in the AM. My substitution is fruit. Still sugar but at least. "natural."

The conversations that "B" and I have had this past week have been challenging. It's like viewing a row of cells in a prison, knowing they are all locked, then taking one switch, moving it up, and hearing and seeing all the doors unlock. I made  a comment on Monday about a "time in my life" which wasn't good. I didn't embellish or include details, but I knew what was there. I've only been able to share specifics with one therapist 12 years ago. He cried.

In some ways, this period was "worse" and I've been very careful to build high walls. Of course it comes out frequently in my dreams, and HELLO! That's what my prolonged dream was about from yesterday. That's what it's always been about. Kind of like looking for Waldo, even though Waldo is the ONLY thing that stands out with fluorescent colors! Denial is not a river in Egypt.  :bigwink:

Owl25 was talking about that "one good therapist" from long ago. In many ways, that was mine too. He's gone back to South Korea, but I still keep a photo he allowed me to take. He once said to me, "we will always carry each other in our hearts."

Sending you a big but gentle light hug, Bee.

There's so much in your past two entries worthy of acknowledgement and response but also I want to gingerly be respectful to you that I don't know what to say.

I think I am very relieved to read that you have strong boundaries physically and are able to keep them. That you are able to talk with B about trauma being a big part of who you are and to expect respect and boundaries around that too. That you are waiting to make sure you really know what he is about and giving time to suss out any red flags.

I wish you were not plagued by these nightmares (and trying to get help and not being able to dial or call or run for help is the worst!!!!). And yet they appear to have things to say to you and you appear ready to listen. 

Finally, Waldo. Wow. That's a really good analogy. Cause I think when you have multiple traumas sometimes we don't know which character in the book really is Waldo and go chasing side characters and everything feels so elusive. But you have your Waldo firmly in your sights. Seeing it for what it is is powerful.

I don't have much helpful to say but I'm here. I read every day even if I don't know what to say. And I'm wishing you well.  :hug:

BeeKeeper,

I hope it's okay for me to leave a comment.  I'm all caught up on your journal and I just want to say that I feel so much admiration for the courage and wisdom that you show in your life and in your writing.  Your words are very evocative... in almost every update I find things that feel meaningful, that I'd like to sit with and process some more.

On a bit of a lighter note, I also enjoy when you write about your sewing and weaving.  It feels to me like those bring you a lot of joy and satisfaction, and I find it pleasant and soothing to read.

There was something you wrote a while back that I thought was very beautiful, and resonated with me a lot.

Quote from: BeeKeeper on July 04, 2021, 03:37:20 PM
All in all, I'm dedicated to saving the parts of myself which can be used to build on. I'm learning to let go of those parts which continue to take me to places of rejection. In every story there are small pieces that can be extracted and used for beauty. When I woke up today and started to think about my current record pursuit, I had an artistic vision of a weaving. For those that don't know, fabric is made up of vertical strands called a warp and horizontal stands called weft. The warp is the foundation. I saw my life narrative as reworking the warp and even replacing some so there's not a concentration of weak fibers (or dark, colorless ugliness). Naturally, this is time consuming and inevitably will take me the rest of my life. That's perfectly fine. Slow, steady, with compassion and acceptance, I'll continue.

I feel like this really describes where I am right now in my recovery.  I am trying to find more words but they aren't coming, so that's all I will say about that for now.

Last thing is, I'd like to offer you a hug, if that is something that feels safe and comforting to you.  I hope you are well today, and every day.  :hug:

zanzoken,

You are always welcome to comment! Thank you for your sweet words and taking me back. I welcome all hugs, thank you. Hope you do too.  :hug:

August 2 

I finally ventured into Schwartz's No Bad Parts and read the introduction and first chapter I think. Let me say, I'm home. Really truly home with that book, his ideas. Everything about it. I'm ready and it's a green light. I give Hope67 credit for introducing me to his work, years ago through the forum, and I liked it then, but wasn't ready. I've gotten impatient with my slow progress, but see that unless every bit of myself is "on board" we go nowhere.

This is a unique and interesting time in my life. My choices to leave soul-sucking care-taking behind, to prioritize my health, to ask for help and get it, to set and maintain boundaries, to respect others' boundaries and their natural ebb and flow of connection has been an awakening. My mind has shown me I'm in the "right place" for the next steps of integration of memories, thoughts and feelings. My conclusion is that I had to feel safe enough to do so, and together with my T, and friends who have helped by cheering from the sidelines, it feels like more progress in the last year or so than the last 10-15.

Having a "relationship" has accelerated the process, because all my prior relationships and their toxic residue is firmly accessible now. Scary, scary things to navigate. Even there I recognize that certain aspects of our personalities are working in my favor. He's a self-proclaimed workaholic (true) and that fact alone gives me space to process. Working double shifts means I don't see or hear from him daily, and that's OK. At first it wasn't, now it is. Interesting to note, that he's slowly wanting that daily contact, In fact, I was shocked by getting TWO texts from him yesterday. I'm settling back to see his communication rhythms now.

The consequence of giving myself plenty of guilt free rest is that I'm reaching back into the old craft arsenal to revive braiding. I fixed a room blackout window shade by hand-sewing several yards, I've taken a jewelry hanger out to put on my beading table, instead of having my "work-in-progress" laying around on the surface. My papers are all filed away. My kitchen is clean. I've scanned a portion of a book I like and it's ready for printing. And it's MONDAY!

Jumping back to last Thursday. I had a wonderful conversation with one of the Campus Police officers. In the three years I've been at school, he's been a constant. They all are, but he's different. During one of our first conversations when I asked about his work before, he said he'd been working with sexual offenders. I watched him carefully so gauge his reactions, and I could tell it took a heavy toll. He's mentioned his kids briefly one daughter, one son, and his buttons nearly burst on his shirt with pride. He went through a period of limited work because his knee failed him. We joke and tease each other. During the entire last academic year, he (or others) were placed at the entrance, and we had to show our Campus Clear result to enter the building. In June that stopped that so I haven't seen him for a while.

So, last Thursday, I'm chilling at my favorite spot, which has HUGE windows overlooking the beautiful lawn at the main building. in an alcove and sitting at a high table which wasn't there before. (Lots of construction this summer and moving of stuff) I'm in heaven just like that. I turned and saw he was standing in the hallway, The biggest grin spread on my face, and his too. We just looked at each other for a minute. Then he came close and we talked. I told him I missed him, and the only way he could process that was to say, "Oh, because we're not at the entrance any more" (OK, I'll let you have that!) "Yup." End of the story is we had the best most, "intimate" conversation ever, I learned more about his family, particularly his son, and himself. I've never ever listened to a man speak so glowingly and with such love and admiration about his 17 year old. That knocked me out. It was great, and it served as a model for a real life parent-child affection.  :yes: warm and fuzzy.

This whole post makes me smile, Bee. I think you are a special person to strike up such a relationship with your campus police friend. And more good marks for "No bad parts"...I'm mentally filing that away for when I am ready. I'm so happy it is speaking to you now and that now is the right time for you.

Wow. Mr. B texting twice a day!

Armee,

Two texts in one day was the exception. 

August 3

Tomorrow I have an appointment to see a NP about my neck, I'm 100% sure a referral will be offered. Check off that task. Whew, then I can schedule with PT. Looking forward to seeing my favorite person. She's been practicing for over 30 years. I love her, even though sometimes she hurts me.  :bigwink: Last summer we had quite the schedule, I hope it will be maybe 2 times a week for 2 weeks, then go down to once.

I bought a funky frozen package of "fries" yesterday: carrots, parsnips and beets. All was well and good except on the final removal. I burned my finger in two places, bad enough to bandage and now blisters are forming. That's OK. I have discovered a "miracle cure" in the form of Yes to Avocado's Eye Cream. Yes, eye cream. It's horribly expensive $10 for 0.5 oz. but some things you just gotta DO. I originally got it to put on the nose bridge surgical scar, and it works for food allergy hives too! Woo hoo! It took away the sensitivity and redness is at a minimum.

In other news, I finished a pair of earrings for my friend on housing staff. We aren't supposed to give presents. Too bad! They had a bath in floor polish to stiffen them up and are drying very nicely on my counter. An experimental earring I made using larger beads will be a pendant, and I'm braiding the necklace now. Since 8 I've finished almost 14 inches!!!! I guess I missed braiding.

I'm stepping back from letting my life revolve around "B". I can see and feel myself withdrawing. Some of it is due to "inappropriate" comments/behavior, some of it is due to the fact that there are 4 people in our relationship: a long since separated spouse, a deceased significant other, plus the two of us. We unfortunately started out our relationship with his grief. The fact that he has hung on to legal status, his unacknowledged feelings about a major player in his life, and the fact that he's really inconsistent with his communication are on the negative side. I've already had my "say" about the 2 week dangling, and I just can't get too psyched up for a new or another "respect my boundaries" talk.

We'll see how life evolves, but I'm not gonna put up with any >:D Closest thing I could find to a word that wouldn't be permitted. Think cow pasture, dog park, bat caves. 

Hi BeeKeeper,
Sorry to hear that you've burned yourself on that pack of 'fries' - the avocado eye cream sounds good though.  I have been using one of the Vaseline products called 'Intensive Care Aloe Soothe Body Lotion' (which happens to be a lot cheaper than your eye cream) - and I think it's really good at soothing.  Maybe it's something in aloe that does it.  Maybe the eye cream is more potent though, I don't know.  My bottle of body lotion has 200ml and I've been able to buy it for about £3, as it's on a special offer sometimes.

I'm glad you're not putting up with any  >:D  - whatever happens for you and "B", I hope that you are ok!

I hope that your appointment to see the NP about your neck goes ok.
Hope  :)

Thanks for the sympathy and caring comments on the burn and the tip for the Intensive Care Aloe Soothe lotion Hope.  :yes: I'll check that out today. It's great finding products that work, which agree with the pocketbook. Surprisingly, the burn is healing at record rate, and I'm fine. The "B" issue has shifted from foreground to background as I've processed more during the past couple of days.

August 4

SERENDIPITY!   :waveline:

SO! The act of braiding the cotton on my foam Kumihimo disk did wonders for my neck and shoulders! Wowsa! I didn't time myself, but I did throw myself into it, making small gentle movements with both arms, by rotating, and probably logged in about 3 hours total. Each session maybe an hour or less. The braid is a yard long, and I'm shopping today for beads to make a custom bail to attach my pendant. Never in my wildest dreams would I have expected those repetitive motions to be a plus. But they WERE! The edge of the pain is definitely gone, and I can rotate my neck in one direction farther than before. A great discovery for me since chronic is in my vocabulary.

My sleep is starting to assume stability. I'm back to my 6 AM wake up, but it's all good. I'm able to control my thoughts better with partial awakenings and no longer spend hours and hours "trying" to fall asleep. I've allowed myself plenty of time in bed to process and rest, and I think it's all paying off now.

Last night I found a forum where people were talking about "when IFS goes wrong" and what a wake up call. I still want to read and learn, but the intention of buying the book today is on hold. I intuitively know it has value for me and yesterday reached out to a local practitioner to find out about eligibility. The thought of starting over with a new T and paying a lot gives me pause. I like my T, but I'm a bit boxed in to therapy in general because of my deafness and my being covered under their low income program, so I pay nothing. I've wanted to break out for years, even willing to drive to Canada to do so! Nothing fits so far.

"B" had wanted me to go away with him for vacation for 5-7 days. I challenged that with pragmatism, he countered with the fact that he had 2 state licenses and that was my "background check." He encouraged me to check him out. So I did. Keep in mind here I spent over a decade in public record research, all legit, banks and insurance companies rely on it. And what I found was way, way worse that what I imagined. Not in terms of criminal behavior, but financial irresponsibility. I discovered he's had a long history of judgments, state tax warrants and a sizable federal tax lien.  :'( I know the reason for some of it, but the record unfortunately speaks for itself.

I am not a model of virtue, but financially, I've made choices repeatedly to keep it clean. Solvency and a high FICO score mean CHOICES! Housing in particular. This is one subject that rules my life.  It wasn't always this way, I've had some close calls early in my life.  The journey from earning to disability to Social Security and bi-annual checks from agencies to verify my income has been bruising.  Apologies to anyone reading this who finds this offensive. It's me and this is my journal!  :bigwink:

I decided to go with the flow today. Our building management sent out a notice that we had to wear masks in common areas, again. OK, I'm glad. Masks mean it's back to struggling daily, so I sat down and made a pin, which I am wearing right now. I printed out two lines: Hello! I am a lipreader. Masks are a problem. This was taped onto cardboard. I glued a pin back onto it, then taped that down also. I feel like a 5 year old who's wearing a tag. That's OK, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Time to go pack the backpack and get on the road. Everyone have a good day. Peace be with you.  :grouphug:

Afternoon update:

Success! Referral acquired. AND (gasp) she ordered an x-ray of my neck. Within 30 minutes I went to a walk in practice and it was over and done, with parking paid too! This is my day! Returned a tube of beads and bought some beading thread people have raved about. Will compare and decide then. Bypassed the food store, and came right how. No fast food on the way. Those $$$ are for a new used car.

One addendum to the morning's post about money. The men that I've been involved with all had a fatal flaw; inability to handle money. It still stings. To his credit "B" has paid for small amounts of food and been generous with me.  :yes: Still in the honeymoon stage though. Probably won't get past this point.

I think it is wise to be alert to these red flags. Good for you, Bee.

I'm pulling for you with the neck pain and hope it dissipates quickly. But thats very cool that doing some repetitive that you love ended up loosening it.

:hug: I wish keeping safe didn't cut off one of your main ways of communicating with people.

Thank you Armee,

I've paid the price, literally for ignoring red flags. Especially the belief that I could change someone.  :doh:

My x-ray results are in: Mild arthritis, disc space narrowing and facet arthropathy. The good news?  No acute fractures or malalignment.  Thanks for recognizing the ongoing trials of the deaf population.  :hug:

I tried out my new thread, and it's an improvement over the "other" thread. I'm making a custom bail for attaching the pendant to the necklace. It involves some tricky ladder stitch with bugle beads, (6mm). Not overjoyed, but using what I have. I wrapped one end of the braid to make a better fit into the hollow magnetic end cap. Used my favorite glue-GS Hypo Cement-messy stuff. Better than E-6000.  Another day to dip and dry, and sewing the whole thing together.  As I go on and on about this stuff, remember, it's part of a small business I have. Not that I'm selling now, but once upon a time I did classes and handouts. Making this braid, pendant and bail is a super sneaky way of getting back to my whole self. Once I'm in the groove with that, then I'll go on to making lined fabric zippered pouches. And at the end of this road, is continuing to make fabric "newsboy" style hats. More on that later.

This morning I was thinking about parts and a thought came to me about a victim part. Just that without anything else. One thing I've read from trauma authors is about re-victimization.  :heythere: Yes, that's me. So I want to find out more about that subject and go wherever it leads.

I've requested Janina Fisher's book, her latest, and Richard Schwartz's book on IFS copyright 2020. My college library gets these for me, free. It takes a week or so. I'm going to approach this from an academic perspective. At least that's what I tell myself now. It may be just as hard to handle as first reading Pete Walker

I saw 7 women today:
1.  the medical assistant who did the preliminaries before the provider came in.
2.  the NP who listened to me and made the referral
3.  the check out person
4.  the Imaging check in person
5.  the imaging technician
6. the bead store staff
7. consignment store staff: who gave me a compliment on my little Lip reading sign!  :thumbup:

In each case, I made a small personal remark which they responded to. I either learned about their kids, their name pronunciation, their job, their opinion or their attitude towards making an extra communication efforts. It was very satisfying. When I came home, it was lonely.  :'(  My D filled in with some texts about sending me a book.

I bought a Christopher Banks shirt-$3.95 for a faded caramel beige jacket style with a fantastic "drape." It's airing out in the car. Google Meet appointment tomorrow with my T so catch up on life. I write notes to keep my agenda in mind.

I love this experiment of finding things to talk to people about.  :cheer:

Will these test results for your neck help you get treatment? I hope so!

I really like Janina Fischer's stuff. Out of everything I've read hers is what makes me feel 100% understood. Like YES! That is exactly what is going on in here! Enjoy!

I think it's interesting that you do so much homework before trying something. I have a bit of trepidation about parts work too. I had been thinking...if (non-DID) parts are neural pathways that get activated under different triggering circumstances, is it reinforcing those pathways by doing parts stuff? But then I realized no. When doing that work untriggered, as the Self, It would probably be integrating discrete pathways into the whole network of neurons, which is the point. Then you wouldn't have these discrete disconnected networks anymore. But if you tried to do parts work in a triggered state that very well might reinforce the separation. Anyway just musings, I'm not a neuroscientist or psychologist! Sorry for the digression in your journal!

Your crafting is so fascinating to me. And I find myself wanting to ask questions but not wanting to pressure you into answering. But i enjoy reading about it because it's such a big part of your life!

Armee,

Feel free to ask questions about anything! I love sharing what I know because it helps people find joy.

I'm going to have to think about your post a bit. I get the main point, but want to look at it from different perspectives. Regarding neural pathway construction, strengthening, and formation-there's so much out there. I'm just starting on this now. At heart I'm an eternal student and in reality too. I go to college for "fun" and because I can audit for free.

I'm tuning into the free webinar today at 2:00 PM which is presented by The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine. (NICABM) Compassion Master series. I've got my confirmation mail with link.  :yes: I hope to hear/understand at least 50%.

My mirror came in for my car and will get that put on at 3PM.

The neck results only confirm my chief complaint. Neck pain. But it's comforting (?) to know the exact status and that I've had no fractures. 

August 6

The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine webinars from yesterday and today have shifted my thinking in a profound way. I understand now why my self-help approach has yielded spotty results. Like most people, I have limited access to specific services which would help me, and therefore have chosen to pick and choose whatever I can tolerate or feels good at the moment. The experts who have participated in these webinars are the heavy hitters and big names within the trauma informed therapy niche. I've heard or read nearly half already.

This is my main take away today. There is a step by step process based on studies, clinical approaches and outcomes, negative and positive which show correlations between shame and self-compassion. If a person is steeped in shame, and there are many different manifestations, then they are not capable of engaging in or practicing self-compassion because there has to be a "bridge", "process" or education of what compassion means first. Once this is gained, then more opportunities open up for learning, drawing parallels and engaging in small or large steps.

This means you have to read and learn before you can actually "drive."  My own analogy. 

My heartfelt thanks to SigNature who posted about these free web offerings.  :hug:

afternoon update:

All my screenshots and notes are safely in their newly created Recovery folder from the webinar. I've made a list of authors, their respective group affiliations and highlighted my favorites. Just a note to Armee here about the question of activation and being triggered doing recovery work, with "parts" or otherwise. I like the questions and don't know the answers. I think there are answers, but may be a while before I can share any insights I have. The webinar held so much new information for me, I could only listen for 45 minutes instead of an hour.

So, with the new information I absorbed this morning, I'm noticing a really nice difference. I feel good, I'm doing stuff, I'm thinking differently about my boundaries, specifically WHEN things feel comfortable for me. In the mean time, I decided to take action on a long held desire: to make window cornices.

I scored 2 box ends from the college which held pricey 82 inch TV screens;  each are 6 feet long. I knew I had to use an Exacto blade to reshape, and the thought of that delayed me for 3 weeks. OK. I bit the bullet, told myself to go slowly, and managed to do one without incident. I see how I have to cover it to be light tight  at the back where it meets the wall and that's the first step. Whenever I use cardboard from packaging, it seems to retain it's odor. After I aired it out, that's minimized. One step forward.

Thank you for sharing this. I always felt really defective that I couldn't do self compassion.  It didn't even make sense and gave me very intrusive violent feelings of wanting to SH. When i can i'll take a look at the resources so I can learn how to create this bridge.

You don't need to give any answers to my musings on parts work! Those are just random musings that pop into my head. I like to understand things scientifically but I doubt that is a very useful way to approach things.

Hey Armee,

Compassion, and self-compassion can be complicated stuff. It's OK if it doesn't work for you. I thought I knew what it was all about, and it turns out I'm WRONG! Don't mind admitting it. After the briefest exposure to the core concepts, I'm interested to take it at a snail's pace and learn more.

Your musings intrigue me, so I won't feel a "should" about answering, although I still will think about it.

August 7

One of the concepts that was advanced by Deborah Lee was of a PERFECT NURTURER. This is apparently a strategy for bringing people to the table about self-compassion if they completely reject it and feel horrible. Since that's been one of my initial responses to Neff, I found the "Perfect Nurturer" meditation online. It's a little under 2 pages. This is from the Northern Illinois University.

https://www.niu.edu/horcutt/_pdf/perfect-nurture-meditation.pdf (https://www.niu.edu/horcutt/_pdf/perfect-nurture-meditation.pdf) Food for thought.

The last couple of days have had "opportunities" for me to break out of my standard MO and do things differently. The first instance involved money, the second, setting a firm boundary.

My car mechanic and his staff are super accommodating to me, and never forget I'm deaf. The office staff texted me in advance about the exact cost of repair, breaking it down into parts and labor. At the time of payment, the bill was $40 more. The old me would have paid it, not said a word, and let it eat away at me, or resolved it later. I actually envisioned all those choices in my mind at the counter within about 30 seconds. I decided to be "casual" and say, "So, the cost of the part was more than you anticipated?" That lead to a second look on her part, some choices for resolution, and we both went away happy. The matter was concluded and it's out of my mind.

What is interesting about this is that money discrepancies (feeling cheated) are a major issue for me, and I get upset about differences even under a dollar!  I was able to remain cool, although uncomfortable, and try it a  new way.

The second issue involved clearly stating a boundary and a "condition" to my relationship with "B." It was about the extent of physical contact I allow and even more so, if that wasn't honored, then I would not be in the relationship. An ultimatum I guess. In the past, setting boundaries with ANYONE has taken me to a place of submission, where I had to justify and EXPLAIN all kinds of reasons. It's like defending a dissertation, over, and over again. I've seen how this strategy puts extra stress on me, and how it prolongs the entire process and cements those feelings of fear. Will they or won't they "hear me?"

Using my recent epiphanies from this spring and several people who drive me nuts, I decided, hey! what if I did this a completely different way? The shortest most succinct utterance? Could I do it? What would I say? Well, it turned out that the points I wanted to bring up fell perfectly into the method of Interpersonal Communication "requesting a change" script. Who knew knowledge could be so sneaky? Thank you Professor Warren.

I started with the reasons why I enjoyed the relationship and wanted it to continue. Then I went into my "problem", actually only 2 sentences, with no historical info or supporting examples!  No personal revelations! I followed up with my boundary.

I asked for permission to speak about it, (new!) and afterwards, solicited feedback. (new!) Turns out it was the shortest thing I ever said that had immediate, concrete results!  I have no "problem" to solve and I felt so good, I went for a walk later. :cheer: Unbelievable.

Bee, sounds like you had a lot of success with speaking up, congrats! And hey, it feels good to not get cheated out of money, doesn't it? I'm glad they were reasonable about. :hugs:

Thank you Sage! Heck yeah  :cheer: feels great being treated fairly.

August 8

Last night I had vivid, wild dream. The nightly prelude to falling asleep is telling myself I'm open to lessons and want to have meanings revealed. That's lucid dreaming. This wasn't that, but before I came out of the dream state completely, I was already analyzing and assigning meaning to things. Not sure what to call that...but what could have been a very disturbing experience turned out to be a "curious" one in which I see that some issues I thought were resolved, aren't!

This morning I attempted my routine a couple hours early, and then decided it was the perfect day for an experience. By that I mean going by myself to the scene of the house fire 46 years ago. I took the uniquely named road, and remembered many details on the way there. In order to give myself space, I drove by the final destination to an seasonal road (unpaved) and took that up until I saw what might have been the scene of a former commune. Now a regular house sits there. I doubled back and photographed neighboring property, and "the" property from a distance. Tall, luscious green cornstalks are bordering the house. New construction is nearby, 3 trees remain from the fruit orchard and a large pond has been added.

I saw a car leave the garage and thought it might be safe to drive closer to take photos. It was. I did, then left.

Mostly I noticed the isolation of the rural setting, and thought about a preference for a potential ******er to isolate both physically and mentally. In my youth, I only saw a lovely country setting, with all the elements of an artist's haven.

Other memories came up as I passed my extended family's property in another county, as well as a place where I regularly bought specialty hybrid flowering plants. To normalize everything, I purchased fresh apricots, blueberries and honey from a reputable garden market. I am making pancakes to finish off the morning. 

 :hug:

Bee, I'm hearing so much strength and recovery in what you wrote and your ability to drive by those places and to see the isolated location in two lights.

 :hug:  thanks Armee!

One casualty this morning, forgot to add oil to the pancakes, so wasted some batter. I gleefully threw it out and used lots of butter for the remainder.

Took a small rest to recalibrate, and I'm finishing up a small table cover, using my birdie fabric from Pakistan, honoring my intuition. The iron is hot, working well and I have not burned myself! A short rain cleared the air, so maybe an evening walk is possible.

Flashback to Julie Andrews and Rodgers and Hammerstein 1959 The Sound of Music

My favorite things

the way hair curls in tendrils at the nape of the neck
long dexterous fingers on a guitar strings
puffed cheeks of a wind instrument player
a voice trilling or vocalizing without words
breathing deeply
crinkling eyes to match a smile
feeling a dog's warm tongue on my face
my chest vibrating with a cat's purr
the hazy, purple gray sky at dusk
orange blossom honey
piano keyboards
watercolor paints, watercolor paper, watercolor brushes
the smell of linseed oil with oil paints
thread/beads in all colors of the color wheel
civilization
people who help not hinder
maple syrup
singers, songwriters, musicians
babies learning to eat by themselves
children acting kindly
the ability to change
the ancestors who gave the best of themselves
legible handwriting
appreciation of goodness
healing of the body and soul
our lovely, green and blue planet
native peoples
cat whiskers and cat pads
waterways and canals
fluorescent yellow markers
Yes to Avocado Eye Cream  :bigwink:

:grouphug:

 :hug:

Thanks for the hug san, good to "see you" again. Hope life is somewhat manageable for you and your D.  reciprocal  :hug:

 

August 10

33 days: July 8 to August 9

My own personal "best" for deciding against ignoring multiple red flags.
Rest in peace, go with lessons learned & drama/hurt averted.

BeeKeeper, I appreciate you sharing this.  Sometimes it is hard to know if it will actually be different this time and we can be so good at convincing ourselves to stay (as I have unfortunately done in the case of my job).  I honor you listening to yourself and doing what is right for you. 

rainy,

you hit the nail on the head:

Quoteit is hard to know if it will actually be different this time

To me, that is the double sided nature of growth. Recognizing we've been here before, and then seeing if enough things remain the same, or if there are one or two things which indicate there could be a difference. Sometimes there's intuition, sometimes pragmatism, sometimes just plain suffering decides where we draw the line.

August 11

Richard Schwartz's book Internal Family Systems Therapy (2020) is in my possession. This is the perfect time. The confidence and self-congratulatory mood yielded to temporary grief and feelings of loss over my decision to remove myself from a relationship. I drew on my prior decades of suffering to remind myself I was missing the feelings of being valued, and that way reclaimed my pain and suffering.

Chapter 20 is titled: The Laws of Inner Physics.

This summarizes his theories and presents a synopsis of the previous 265 pages.

How Parts Come to Be and Take on Roles third subheading: last paragraph

"So although we cannot put parts under a microscope, we know from experience that they come into the world with us,

they are a natural element of the mind, and all of them contain valuable qualities. Although trauma does burden and force

parts into roles for which they are ill-suited, traumatic events to not create or destroy parts. In fact, it seems that parts

cannot be destroyed. When a part is exiled, chooses to go dormant, or retires out of awareness, we may believe it is gone

for good, but it summoned it will reappear. In addition, even injured young parts who present as dead are actually alive and

will return to a state of liveliness as soon as the client's Self extends love. "


I am particularly fascinated by the parts that appear dead which can be revived.  :yes:

I wish there had been no red flags to pick up on, Bee. But since they were I am so very very proud of you for seeing them, hearing them, and honoring yourself by leaving the relationship. So first a  :hug: and then a  :cheer:

Awwww, thanks Armee. That hug and cheer help!

I must credit my D with giving me the final nudge to take action. I laid out all my concerns, and asked for her thoughts. She agreed on everything. At the end of our chat, she said, the part that she likes best about relationship disappointment is the energizing growth that happens afterward. This was in response to my saying since I'd made a decision that I'd gotten an incredible amount of work done that I'd put off.

And it continues!

One of my parts, if I can call it that, emerged in 1982 when I was a young mother and dismayed at the incredible amount of planning that babies and toddlers require of mothers. Just doing the simplest thing seemed to be a military operation-gathering food, clothes, cleaning products, packing it all in a correctly sized bag and then wresting the kid into the car seat.... :blahblahblah:

I believed, that if I could only find the right cape, and emblazoned shirt, I would be like the women of the 50's, everything under control, dressed well, infant dressed well, calm, composed, kind to all.  :udaman: I managed to hold onto that for 35 years, then gave it up. I even pursued being a professional organizer!

What happened is in my quest to be that person, rescue others, and "prove" my worth, I inevitably abandoned and lost myself.  :disappear:

I was terrified I couldn't get even the most basic stuff back. I learned it takes longer for me to regain than it does to abandon.

I'm making tiny, tiny steps to get the basics under control: passwords and email contacts. That in itself provides a rich history. I backed up, printed out and purged. Now, comes the intentional work of sifting, sorting and discarding or keeping. Hallelujah!

August 12

A mixed bag today...woke up with a zombie overcast. Tried to figure it out, couldn't, then just went on.

Continued my purge/harvest of all my email accounts- and discovered once you put contacts in trash, they stay there for 30 days. Whew. I deleted frequent contacts without realizing there were all my contacts. Not that it's a big deal really. Out of maybe 60, only family and a couple crafty friends count. It's all on paper now, printed out one-sided.

Next came my morning cafe session, and observed all the old men gather on Thursdays. Didn't see Luke today and missed him. I do reconnaissance when I go in, just to glimpse that tall hat.

I mistakenly thought caffeine would fix me right up, but I was wrong. Ended up in bed for 3 hours trying to find some familiar something. That didn't work either, so I got up and wrote a "grievance" on an official form about disgusting odors emanating from the tenant two floors below me. The straw that broke this open was having to use my stove over head fan, PLUS letting my bathroom fan run 24/7 for 3 months. Such is public housing.

Schwartz's book may have something to do with my malaise today. I allowed myself to consider when, how and how long certain self-harm behaviors lasted in my life. From things that left scars to hair that ends up in the vacuum bag. I don't know enough yet to speak about it, or to a part, but I can say with absolute certainty and this is LEGACY stuff. I've been fighting against that all my life and wonder if I can ever stop. Probably not, but who knows? I'm an eternal optimist who believes that change is "just around the corner."

bee, i truly believe self-harm stops when we have no need for it anymore. 

QuoteWhat happened is in my quest to be that person, rescue others, and "prove" my worth, I inevitably abandoned and lost myself.

i relate to this fully.  attempting to be perfect, i've finally realized, is an impossible goal set by the impossible expectations put on me by adults in my life.  ugh!  climbing out of this perfectionist hole has been a long, arduous task.  not quite there yet, but i'm closer than i was. 

hang tough, bee - i'm hangin' right beside you.  love and hugs   :hug:

thanks san, I'm hangin' tough! I've come a thousand miles on my journey to stop SH, and nearly done with it. I'll keep your words in mind. The self-abandonment realization came into my consciousness more than 5 years ago, and it was terrifying to me. First, the recognition that I had let myself slip away, and second, could I ever reclaim? I'm seeing that the choice to leave myself was formed from the choices to follow my script, and that I can make new, different choices daily.

Reclamation is not for the timid, it takes an unrelenting push to "get back to where you once belonged." It inevitably creates a psychic and physical mess, so I need to tolerate it while it happens.

August 13

Each day I wake up, there's a song in my brain. Today was a happy one by Wilson Pickett. OK! I know I'm good to go. Going to drop off at a thrift shop, took down a valance, decided on the dimensions for my 7 yards of drape fabric, decided against spending hundreds $$$ for A/C and will shop for cheap fans.  A new used car is still prioritized.

I've read a considerable amount of Schwartz's book already and the bottom line is it scares me. There's no question that the strange things I've experienced over a lifetime could be explained or illuminated partially. But I'm not sure I can handle it yet. It feels like I'm balancing on a precipice and want to stay right where I am.

i love the idea of reclamation of self.  it's how i think of recovery - recovering/uncovering my self.  i agree with your thoughts on choices having been imposed by the scripts we were given, tied to, and made to believe were the who and what of us.  yep, so glad to hear of your progress w/ SH - keep at it.  i think you're doing great!  love and hugs :hug:

thank you for the support and encouragement san~I like to "hear"(read) how my thoughts and goals have commonality with others.  :yes: Those things are completely absent from my life outside this forum.

August 14

I'll start this with a "win." I've followed a photographer on IG for years. He's a chemist, Dad, husband who is so sweet and gentle, always sharing others' work and praise. I contacted him and asked if he would be OK with accepting a paper credit card check (low, low interest rate) for purchase of a piece of work. He replied that the last thing he ever wanted was someone to go into debt for his art, therefore, he would "gift" me what I'd asked for.

:cheer: :applause:  :cheer: I was absolutely floored. So, I'm deciding where my new picture is going to be.

A couple years ago, I became really sensitive to blinding afternoon sunshine which enters my apartment from 2 south facing windows. In response, I put forth massive efforts to make 2 drapes. That helped somewhat. I've always been a "light" oriented person, choosing housing on the basis of that element. Now, I've become like the incomprehensible elderly I used to observe sitting in their gloomy shaded homes. (My P grandmother) I've tried to understand this, and all I can fathom is:

The glare of bright sun and heat means no place to hide from uncontrollable, harsh, one dimensional, overwhelming stimulus

Grudging acknowledgment of skin cancer multiple surgeries

Maybe I'm just now realizing what everyone else has always known. I have considered people who depend on air conditioners and those that require shielding from the environment "weak." Now my @$$ is on the ground with everyone else. Getting knocked off my high horse is such fun! Underneath it all, I perceive my F's "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" stop whining personality. I admit I absorbed quite a bit of that blind, abusive legacy script, but doesn't mean I need to remain in ignorance. My problem was he was the only present parent, and my only rescuer from a life in a wheelchair. But he's been gone for 20 years, and I still fight against his influence. I'm getting more aware now, which is something.

As a cosmic present to me this morning, it is overcast and raining. I hope it doesn't clear.

BeeKeeper, I love the story of the artist.  That sounds like an experience  to treasure. 

I also appreciate what you are saying about light.  I am fair skinned, my eyes are really sensitive to light, and I am at risk for skin cancer especially with where I live at altitude and constant sun.  I love homes and spaces with a lot of natural light but also now am battling how to keep my eyes and skin protected even when I am indoors near light.  I imagine this will continue to shift over the years too.  But it's been uncomfortable and makes me feel vulnerable in a way that is disconcerting.  I think it's that it makes me not trust my own judgment of what my body needs. 

rainy, thanks for sharing the joy about the photo! Yes, bringing his work into my space will be transformative!

you said something here:

QuoteI think it's that it makes me not trust my own judgment of what my body needs.

I used to feel the same way, but now I'm taking a new path. As I grow older, my body doesn't stay the same, although I was absolutely sure it would. I expected it to. Kind of like the comfort of certainty and things never changing. If I buy a pair of pants or shirt I LOVE, I expect it will last decades. When it rips, or I gain weight, true loss and sadness. Now I'm noticing changes for the better (and worse). Taking a long time to fall asleep no longer bothers me. Resting during the day doesn't bother me. I don't schedule myself too heavily, preferring to see how I feel daily instead. The light thing surprises me, but considering now it's just a protective stance, and since I've done so little protecting myself it feels weird and strange.

August 15

I am learning the value to flexibility and starting to make serious progress on shelving perfectionism. My "go to" strategy for dealing with upheaval has been to go places and do things at certain times. That's reasonable overall, but that's been undo-able in the current health climate. All the existential questions I've had moved from semi-conscious to front burner. That precipitated an "episode" in which I lost my zest for living and felt like I moved backward 20 years.

It's interesting to note that this inner turmoil had also released something I didn't know still living....a tiny determined piece/part that was really set on cleaning up and figuring out how to rid myself of baggage. I suppose it's always been there, but the desire really grew in the last 7 months. 

Now I want to come out of my dark cave, really decide what and who is worth bringing along for the life ride. And, surprise, surprise some other desires are appearing too. I've learned lessons from my 33 days of July-August. I know I can make good choices. I can relax and care for myself in ways which are totally foreign to my IC. I can think about past experiences without criticizing, judging harshly and feeling shamed. I'm giving myself compassion and.......it works!   

I love hearing abour your self discoveries and journey out of the dark cave. I love that you are trusting yourself and knowing you can make good decisions to protect yourself.  :hug:

Thank you Armee,  :hug: it's such a relief to be acknowledged. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a hamster wheel and wonder if I'm going anywhere....

August 16

I've been absolutely in awe of the comments made in response to a new member lately. It feels like the floodgates opened and I have a much better understanding of all the people who are active in the forum. Previously I was drowning so much in my own stuff, I couldn't really appreciate and take in others' lives. Now I'm able to take in more information and attach "stories" to names. I'm very grateful that members have opened up and allowed themselves to be known, even if in bits and pieces. That's all it takes to make a connection. Thanks for everyone who takes that risk here, many things have helped me in ways I never expected.  :grouphug:

Yesterday was pretty balanced, and I decided to make a beading pattern from 8 years ago.  I ended up with something reasonably OK. That's not the point. The point is that I approach tasks, goals and desires with a mindset. Do or die, perfection or forget it. This time, I said, how about a combo? The after-accomplishment feelings were familiar: dang, I "should have", "how could I?" "you knew something was wrong from the start..."

In the past,
I rejected all efforts which didn't yield the vision

I shamed myself for being stupid/ignorant.
I lamented at how far I've fallen from my ideal
I got mad that I've let my skills get rusty

:doh:

All this? Over a bunch of tiny beads sewn together in a 1 inch circle?

So I spent some time with my inner tribe. One by one I answered their objections. And I found this little 7-8 year old kid who loved going to camp (because it was away from home!) and was absolutely thrilled at getting her hands on clay, yarn, glue, shells, jewelry  :blahblahblah: That's the kid that loves to bead and make stuff. She wears a uniform and sweater over the top, with the buttons mismatched, and holding a little flower, squinting into the camera. She's smiling shyly.

So, today I got up and finished off the second experiment, just like the first to match it. Switched out ear wires and wore them with pride today!

Your story of the little girl who loves to get away from home and go to camp and craft brought this weird combo of happy and sad tears to my eyes. Yes! To letting that little girl play with beads and fabrics to bring her joy, not perfection. I'm so happy you are letting her play!

yeah!!!  :cheer: thanks Armee

Afternoon update:

The almost end of the air conditioner story happened this afternoon. I put in a request to have the existing non-functioning unit removed and a solid insulation cap put over the "sleeve". Lo and behold, within one hour, it was half way done! The unit was taken out and put on a cart and hauled away. I was left with a mess inside the cabinet, (which by rights, was not my mess) but decided to clean up anyway. Flying stinging insects had made a great home beneath the unit, with years of accumulations. Paper towels dripping with H2O, brushes and vacuum finished the job. I had a bit of insulating tape left over from the door (smokers here) and used it to cover the small holes. (ha, ha, ha, as if!) but feeling good just the same.

Next I went all Marie Kondo on one of my bedroom drawers. I have oodles of foam core which I got originally to make cheap cornices. Now I can use it for other stuff since I've scored perfect size cardboard boxes from college. I measured twice, cut once, and still a mm off. Went back and did it again, then placed 5 dividers vertically in my drawer to separate camisole tops (I'm a maniac for them) undies, lingerie, belts, etc. Then I was so pleased, I took a pic and sent it to my D. She raved of course. The funny part of this story is a couple hours later I had forgotten all about it, went in the drawer to put something away and was greeted by my work!  :blink: Uh, who did that?!? Just a small illustration of how we can so easily forget our efforts.

I've been working on cleaning up my computer for a couple weeks. I got serious last week and printed out all my contacts from multiple accounts. Today, I labeled them, and consolidated folders on my mail account, trashing about 150 mails in the process. Google will not make money off of me.

This morning, I made a cold call to a car dealer after getting a referral. I'm looking for a small dealer to get me into my next set of wheels. 13 years is fine for a vehicle-the time is right now to move on. I hung out and waited for 2 people, then sat down and did my pitch. Surprisingly, I was met with gracious kindness. It turns out my mechanic and he are buddies and I definitely got a good vibe. I've learned however, I tend to bask in the glow, and assume it will all work out. This time, I'm going to hang back and see what happens. Lesson from the 33 days.  :bigwink:

I decided to take a small risk with my sister, who I've held at arms length for a while now. I invited her by e-mail to go to a photography show at a cousin's gallery-by email. The kicker is, she has to respond in 2 days or the deal is off. If she can't live with it, too bad.

The conclusion involves a jar of molasses.  :yes: So, I have a serious, serious weakness for molasses cookies made by a specific retailer 30 miles away. I pay in gas, calories and all kinds of other ways. I normally buy 5, they are HUGE, and store them in the freezer, making them last for weeks.  Today I decided I must make my own, which would be just as "good" and save myself major hassles. I chose the "wholesome" organic brand and  :aaauuugh: when it got to the price, there's a quarter tank of gas! (exaggerating really, but still.) Bought it and now feel very righteous. Will update when I feel like making the first batch.

Wow, Bee, sounds like you've gotten a lot accomplished lately! I'm so glad the car thing worked out. That can be awful if they get the sense that someone can be walked on, but that connection sound like it benefited you.  Sometimes, it really is "who you know".

Gosh, those cookies sound awesome... LOL I have to admit, I have some treats that I consider worth the trip too. :)

Hey Sage,

The pendulum swings back and forth-yesterday, awesomeness, today, cave dwelling.  :Idunno: What's good is I accept it and just go with it now. Glad to know there are hard-core foodies out there that will burn the gas to get the treat. I was pleasantly surprised by the dealer, and concluded the same as you-it's who you know.

August 17
I suspect that my  dormant fearful, depressed self which took over for more than a year, can't entirely handle this new way of being.  I ended up spending 4 hours in bed before I fell asleep. I got up, read some, accomplished some tasks, and then thought I'd just lay down to sort myself out. 4 hours, 3 dreams later, I'm up, putting dinner in the oven. Curious.

These little regressions may be the result of 3 discrete things. First, I'm now on the 3 week mark of not hearing from my last 2 FOIL requests. Second, I'm continuing on purging my email contacts and that inevitably brings up long forgotten turmoil, relationships gone by the wayside with attending grief. Third, I'm reading about IFS and the Body.

Schwartz's book is feeling like Pete Walker's book. very, very tough. Part of me is mad about the seemingly effortless access to parts in his dialogue examples, part of me is skeptical, because I was raised in a religious cult and some of the ideas come close to those, part of me is distressed because I thought I'd made a LOT of progress, and it turns out, I still feel I'm at the start of those thousand miles again. 

In keeping with my preferred Self/persona/mask whatever, I'm the professional academic, or scientist in my white coat, with my clipboard, hair contained, sensible shoes, calculator at the ready, water bottle handy, with fully charged digital devices nearby. I dispassionately observe each encounter, and mark it in the appropriate column. (complete with time stamp! :yes:) Then I very efficiently care for any part that seems to need attention. Stinky? Check shower. Hungry? Check food. Financial? Check status. Organized? Check data file update. I lived like that for years, got stuff done, was employed, raised small people, kept pets, and plants. Now, the only thing I keep (care for) is myself.

― Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4 BC – 65 AD) was a Roman Stoic philosopher who wrote: "It takes the whole of life to learn how to live..."

I trust you to know what's good for you and what needs to be shelved because you've done that consistently. And if this IFS book needs to be shelved I know you'll listen to yourself.  :hug:

i completely agree with armee.  you'll do what's best for you.

that quote makes a lot of sense to me.  thanks for sharing.  love and hugs :hug:

Yup Armee and san, thanks for voting for my ability to listen to myself and make the right decisions.  :hug:

It occurred to me today that I'd like to become aware of my "breaking" points, because right now, they just fly right on by. The goal of course is to reduce those cave days and spend more time outside. Literally and figuratively. However! I also allow a nuance here, which is different from my black/white thinking-most days are a mix, and it's not bright sunshiny functioning or dark stupefied unconsciousness. It doesn't even have to go to either extreme, my hope is more middle ground, with gently rocking.

August 18

I've joined the land of the living, and with it have identified some thoughts which are holding me back. The all or nothing routine, and searching for a way to forge a path to "big girl" steps, which are different from baby steps, and not quite to Self or impinging on IC steps. We'll see.

During my extended unconsciousness yesterday, I encountered a lot of dreaming re-enactments of family and work drama. Time is not a constraint for the unconscious! It's all still there, like a stew. But, in the last month, since my efforts towards lucid dreaming, some call it "night school" I've found tiny slices of reality within the dream, although it's not great enough to deliver me from it, but it's enough to keep the memory the next day, and to recall the event which caused it. I intentionally tell myself each night to be open to lessons from my inner self and whether that is affecting me, I don't know. Something is.

I'm choosing to back off Schwartz and Steven Pinker for the moment. I'm thinking through my desires to connect with "old friends." I've cleaned up my office and studio. I've stopped making "to do" lists.  :aaauuugh: Temporarily I'm sure. The goal is to enjoy whatever functioning I have, without pushing it to the point of collapse.

For now, I've decided the way to move ahead on my contacts is to treat it like I do my closet. I use 97% of space for clothes that fit me NOW, and pack or hang the "others" away. So, even though just seeing a name brings me warm & fuzzy feelings of connection, the fact is, I've let that relationship go, and remember the valuable or invaluable lesson(s). I can still keep it, dedicated to an archival spot, but not within the main drag of current life resources.

I got rid of 6 glass jars; 3 big, 3 small. In the last 5 years or so, I decided my massive collection of BPA infused plastic containers needed to be discarded. So, I've recycled the jars. Keep in mind I was raised by depression era parents, that taught me by example to SAVE (string, paper bags) Although I've come out of it pretty well, there are some residuals that hang on. I've bought my fair share of glass jars, and feel a great sense of satisfaction just gazing in my cupboards.

There's no way I can be called a hoarder, but that word makes me shrink and tremble. My sister is, and I've worked for years to "cull." Speaking of her, she rose to the occasion and replied to my mail. We have a social event on September 3, in which each of us will see someone else that's important to us.

A note about Journals:

As I read other member's journals, I see a lot going on for everyone. Sometimes, it's too close to home for me to comment, because I'm afraid that by illustrating a point with my own life, I'd be taking the focus off the member's. I do read a lot of journals and can relate to the suffering, confusion, frustration, even joy and victories that come through. If I step on or close to a boundary, I apologize in advance. I don't mean to.

Last thoughts here. I've noticed in the last 2 months how people seem to be allowing themselves to be known in a way they haven't before. That's really critically important to me because I see my thinking and behaviors over a lifetime, or just even adulthood, in a new way. I "knew" theoretically I wasn't "alone" but thought there was just a small population that had experienced drama/trauma and still thought I was in the absolute minority.

Now I see I have so much in common with others, regardless of childhood or adulthood experiences, we have certain patterns, strategies, behaviors which may be maladaptive, but served us at a particular time. We've all decided to "heal" whatever that means to each of us, and to be the best we can under the present life circumstances. We're determined to treat ourselves better, be families to those who never had them, and to be kind, generous and loving towards others. What a nice place!  :grouphug:

Bee-

Thinking of contacts like cleaning a closet is a great analogy! I'll have to try that sometime.

I was raised by Baby Boomers (I'm gen x), but my mom totally had the "save containers" concept, especially after becoming a single parent, so I have it too. It just feels so wasteful to toss glass jars. I also try not to put too much plastic into the environment, but sometimes convenience for my health wins out. I suppose I could have worse habits. :)

And i agree, it's so helpful to see that I am not alone in my issues/problems. Not that I would wish anything on anyone, but I don't feel so alone when I see I'm not the only one struggling with an EF or shame or whatever. This forum really has been a real treasure to find.

Glad to see some environmentalists out there Sage. As time goes on, plastic is a big problem, everywhere.Yes, convenience and price sometimes win over conscience. Sounds like you got the parking permit. Nice, isn't it?

August 19

After 6 years of therapy with my current T, I trusted her enough today to voice some dreams and memories which were still raw and carried quite a charge. I dumped it all on her in the last 12 minutes. Afterwards, I went back to my cave, and stayed there the day. It's apparent I have been feeling more and more and this impacts my daily functioning. Just reading a book review last night caused me vividly dream about the subject waking myself up by furiously scratching imaginary creatures on my body. I think I'm regressing.

Take it gentle Bee. Lots of light stuff. Take a break from the heavy stuff, if you can and it feels right. Though reading a book review seems pretty light!

Ugh I'm sorry things feel so intensely right now. Progress often comes with temporary repercussions.

Bee, I feel the heaviness of dreams and memories with you. 

Armee, agreed, a book review "should be" light! I've decided my imagination maybe a little TOO active. Definitely temporary repercussions.

rainy, thanks for hearing the essence.  :yes:

August 20

Made a trek to my dermatologist to reassure myself about a couple of "spots." I'm reassured! We've been together 6 years now and I'm starting to see her "age" gracefully. She's always been kind, and I love her so much. She and her husband left  my monolithic medical center to open their own practice. It's $50 a shot to see her, but so worth it.

On the way home I stopped to stock up at a store 10 miles away which has 2 critical foods. A specific canned peach and fresh English peas. Once I discovered the peas, I was hooked! They provide a nice little green crunch in salads.

My big accomplishment of the week was doing a wash and dry in my building. The secret ingredient, VINEGAR :worship:  :yahoo:

Yes folks, you got it right, vinegar in the wash, but most importantly in the dryer to quell those sickly sweet, dryer "fresheners" and residuals scents that are rampant here. (gagging...) So the process is: I swab the inside of the dryer with a sopping wet sponge soaked in vinegar. Then, I pour another 1 or so on two towels, and throw them in with my clean wet clothes. SUCCESS! OK, Truth in journaling here, there is a faint, faint odor of vinegar on my stuff.   :bigwink: Will now experiment with just the right ratio! When I think about all the public laundromats I've used in the last 13 years, I've never been so strongly affected by this issue, I guess it's part of being the Red Hat Old Lady crowd.

Made my molasses cookies and got only one part right-texture. I've bought different ingredients and will now start experimenting with mixing coconut oil and unsalted butter. Brown sugar for half the sweetener removes the bright bite, so will go full hog with Florida Crystals. Will increase the spices and maybe even buy fresh! (I can get it in bulk, so whew...) I keep my ginger, cloves, and nutmeg in two zip lock bags in the freezer.They are good in a pinch, but

I'm going to discard the remainder of the batter.  :aaauuugh: I never, ever used to do that, but what the h3ll!

August 23

After 6 months, I'm ready to discontinue my SSRI med. I've learned through experience not to go cold turkey, so will abide by the prescriber's recommendation. My library came up with Janina Fisher's book Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors. I've read a sample online, and it agrees with me so far.

I'm jumping from the frying pan into the fire again. Contacted my former professor to ask about his online course, which he explained and agreed to let me audit next week. I did learn from my "vivid dreams" brought on my the book review, that certain subjects are likely to be difficult. So, contrary to everything I've done in the last 3 years, I'm going to embrace my status and not pretend I'm an A student. That means skipping topics, maybe not taking exams, or not posting responses when "due." If the SSRI was good for one thing, it was to dial those perfectionism traits and behaviors way back. I'm under no illusions that anything is going to be easier or better, just minus some side effects which showed themselves after 5 months.

Best wishes as you navigate a transition from the medication.   :hug:

Thank you Rainy. I'm expecting some stuff, but want to think maybe it won't be that bad.

Update: Molasses cookies!

So, with about $13 of fresh ingredients, the second batch was better. Palm oil shortening should be used within 6 months. I tweaked the ratio of shortening to butter, and that did it. Also doubled all the spices and added some maple syrup. That did it too. One casualty center top as I moved everything horizontal. No problem. Already gone! 

good for you for listening to your mind and body about those meds.  i hope the transition goes smoothly.  i've found that weaning slowly really helped keep effects to a minimum.

and, your cookies sound great!  yum!!!   :hug:

san,

it takes a while to "listen" to the body, but the more I pay attention, the better it gets.  As I've aged, strange food allergies appear in the form of hives. Really drastic, itchy red welty things which stick around for a week or more! Preventing those experiences lead me to being very observant and aware of everything.

August 24

Last night I was able to think about my down mood and discover a way out. I felt the old victim mindset coming on and decided to look more closely. It was about wanting someone to "know" me and share all kinds of intimate information which is not warranted within the relationship at this time. I was able to separate out what kinds of things I wanted known, which was my history in overcoming obstacles. In divulging that, peripheral things would come out.

I decided to use a technique which is to give myself what I wanted the other person to have, evidence of my strength and accomplishments. I started to think about the ways I've pushed through adversity and to just leave those feelings of gratitude and pride with my inner self and not "prove" my worth to another person. How I act daily is proof enough.

That allowed me to sleep about 15% better, and gave me the energy to take care of college registration issues, which went smoothly. I uncharacteristically cooked quinoa for breakfast and ate some while warm. I hope to learn how to toast it for a crunch to my salads.

Over the weekend, I switched out furniture in two rooms, separating the beads from the sewing. That helped me spend Sunday experimenting on a pendant. It's better for me to divide and conquer. I soaked my experiment in floor wax and am pressing it under weights as it dries now which I will post that in a couple days in the art forum.

Wednesday I FINALLY have my PT evaluation. Misunderstandings about referrals delayed that for 3 weeks, fortunately, symptoms have remained small. Friday is implant surgeon follow up, and I'm happy to report that wearing my processor a lot less has proportionally decreased my scalp pain. A tiny silver lining of C19.

Update:

I'm reading Janina Fisher's book, which is  :cheer:. That's better than good, better than great-just mind blowing.  A nod to Hope here for mentioning her. Even her introduction is soothing and steady. But I still have to stop reading every second paragraph to gaze in the distance and see how it all comes together. She's describing my life on seemingly every page. The one thing which stopped me in my tracks was that people with Dissociative Identity Disorder have an average of 7 years of (unsuccessful) treatment, before they get to her, with an average of 3.6 incorrect diagnoses and no one had a clue! At that I had to stop for the day.

Today happened to be a welcome back to school day at college with a big catered luncheon spread. My favorite place is on the 4th floor overlooking the yard and how interesting it was to see how many people I recognized from that distance. About a dozen! I moseyed over to the tables as they were cleaning up, got a container of food, ate it immediately and felt really good. Caffeine free day!

I printed out my 17 page syllabus (in color!) and rented  my primary text book at $48. I came home, rested, threaded my serger and am ready to overlock 16 edges!. Then after that measuring for top casements and dreaming of having so much money that I could order it all out of a catalogue.  :yes:

August 25

And the hits keep coming is a cultural idiom and what I'm feeling today metaphorically. A little irony and a touch of sarcasm intended. I'm allowing myself to acknowledge that, without guilt or pushing it further.

Last night I was reading through the online course syllabus when I came to a "requirement" of the first week; "contribute one post to the Discussion Forum introducing yourself to your classmates."

:pissed: I don't want to!  This is what happened internally  :spooked:

We really need some eye rolling emoticons here. But since they're missing, I have to explain. I'm getting good at learning about my inner parts now. These thoughts went through my mind:

Oh **expletive deleted*
Can I do this?
Genre type? Flippant, humorous, serious, authentic, chronological, mask-like?

That lead down the garden path to a life memory review. OK, so after I exhausted all the possibilities with examples from life experiences, I discovered that this  mundane, ordinary task had set off an avalanche of feelings with several parts vying for dominance. Naturally, the inner critic oversaw all the turmoil and issued the "ticket" of rumination. Payment? Several hours of sleep lost. On the plus side, I saw what was happening, although couldn't effectively stop it, so there's that awareness. 

The medication NP agreed to allow a taper from the SSRI, but I had to jump through some hoops to explain why. And wouldn't you know it? I forgot the most important issue! I send a message later to amend my thoughts. Even though I'm just at the 6 month mark, the protocol is 6-12 months of "stability." That's OK because I've never, ever had that in my entire life. I'm now going for "good enough."

Janina Fisher talks about "stuckness" and calls it terminal ambivalence. Wow! I had to stop reading and mull. She references her work being focused on trauma theory and Richard Schwartz's work being focused on parts theory. The light went on when I read that, since parts are created/developed and maintained by ongoing trauma. So, I thought I was starting at the beginning with Schwartz, but I shouldda started with Fisher. This reminds me of my favorite quote: "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

In an uncharacteristically bold and transparent mood, I texted my D and referenced Janina Fisher's book

Me:  " I found a very powerful book today and feel like I truly have access to every answer I need."
Her:  a gif "I'm so freakin' 'effin EXCITED."
Me:  Photo attachment of book cover
her:  "Ah, OK."
Me:   "very specific stuff, but perfect for me."

It's all good too!  :yes:

In conclusion, I'm grateful for the village here and the ways I've found resources and support. Learning from other's lessons has been the missing piece of my recovery story. Thanks for sharing authentically; without masks and filters.  :grouphug:

wow!  you put a lot more thought into that discussion forum post than i would ever think to do.  when i first read it, what came to mind was something short and non-committal, like, ' love to garden' and a little something about my fav flowers.  i was struck by your attention to detail when you spoke of genres.  that would have never crossed my mind.  amazing how different people can be in their approach to something.  not wrong or right, better or worse, just different.  but, that's just me.  i give all kinds of credit to people who think things thru like that.  it's never been my forte.

amazing, isn't it, how something that could be perceived as innocuous by others can hold that avalanche of feelings for those of us who have been traumatized.  another reminder of how c-ptsd  can present an entirely different perspective on 'ordinary' occurrences.

i'm grateful for you and everyone else here as well.  it feels so good to be respected and heard.   love and hugs, bee :hug:

Hi BeeKeeper,
I am excited also that you've got that book, and you're already finding it to be helpful.   :cheer:  I think it's the book that has helped me the most of anything I've read, and I have re-read it and always find something more there.

I was interested to hear what you said about the introduction in the online course.  I signed up for an online course a few months ago, and I just couldn't bring myself to write anything in the introduction post, so I decided that they wouldn't miss me if I didn't write anything - and sure enough, noone ever spotted or commented that I'd not done that part.  Parts of me would balk at the thought of putting anything personal there, so I'd feel unable to do so.  I found it interesting to hear the contrast between what you said, and what SanMagic said, and I agree with SanMagic that it's 'amazing how different people can be in their approach to something'.  Just different, and thankfully there's no 'rights' and no 'wrongs' - or at least I don't think so. 

I wanted to send you a hearty and supportive hug, too, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

advance disclaimer to my readers:

I do proofread my posts, multiple times. Despite my efforts, at any time of day, I see typos and glitches after the fact. Please ignore this. I know the difference between lead and led, but that slipped by.  :bigwink:

san, thanks for noticing the turmoil about the intro post. You're right, I've been blessed and cursed by attention to detail! My paternal GrF was a prolific writer and I think I got an extra dose of his DNA. When I was very young, 8 or 10, I used to write in a blank book about the adventures of twin boys, Clay and Cliff. I would hide out in my closet and have a whole scenario of adventures there. Reading and writing has been my safe haven, libraries continue to be "home."

Hope, yes, I totally agree. Fisher's book has been more helpful and I see myself purchasing it. What is most surprising is that I previously thought I was defective from childhood and my social skills and coping mechanisms were utter failures of will and intelligence. In my adolescence and early adulthood I took serious risks with my life, and put myself in incredibly dangerous situations. Those experiences and memories still haunt me, but now I'm able to put it in perspective of structural dissociation. Even though I can't grasp all the nuances yet, what I've read fits me perfectly! Just a textbook case!  :yes: I can look at that two ways; one of setting me apart from normal, untraumatized society and the reverse is being part of a specific cohort which now has discrete biologically based treatment modalities which work. Western medicine is slow to discover and accept certain ideas, and even slower to do something with them. I'm glad I live in a time where these things are not woo-woo, but gaining ground in the mainstream. (That's part of the reason I'm keen for history class!)


August 26

Well, interesting times. Yesterday 3 things happened. I halved my dose of the SSRI, I went to the rehab evaluation, I am now enrolled in my online course.

Consequence of #1: felt deflated for the latter part of the day.
Consequence of #2:  DX. rotator cuff impairment and bone spurs in my upper neck, estimated treatment time, 4-6 weeks.
Consequence of #3: warm, fuzzy, comforting feelings, relief and a tiny bit of fear.

So, I have friends in the registrars office, and I got access to my course 12 hours early. This time around, I see that the media does not rotate on my phone like it did previously, which only means I can't lie in bed and "do homework." If I want to squint and strive, I can, but I think I'll pass.

I discovered the exact parameters of the Introductory post, which was hidden in the first week's content online. The answer must include what I want to get from this course and why the study of Western Civilization is important. There's an option to upload a photo, and I have two choices. One with "wild hair" all squiggly and happy. The other more subdued, an outside shot of me looking like I usually do, kind of road weary.

So, despite writing up a flippant/humorous version, I am now going for professional, neutral and slightly opinionated. It's good to notice all this because eventually I hope to shorten the reaction time, and say, "Oh, yeah, I remember this, I'll just wait and see." San picked up on the main point here which is seemingly innocuous tasks in every day life have unspoken, intense meaning for people who've been through trauma.

I thought previously I was living an "examined" life in which I was aware of my choices and their consequences. I thought I knew myself by now. Wrong! What I know is my symptoms and the way I manage them. I'm still functioning good enough, but I feel half of me is missing in action. This has been true for a while and might have something to do with my being separated from my oldest grandchildren. Before I could just drop several hundred $$ and go jump on a plane.

The other reason is I recently went through the 4th decompensation episode of my life, just before I came back to the forum, early spring. There always seems to be a precipitating event, and this one was MOHS surgery for skin cancer on my nose. It was incredibly painful, more so that my other facial surgeries and I don't do well with chronic pain, especially since it impacted wearing glasses and face masks.

I used to be very critical and judgmental towards my sister. The same things I've criticized her for, I did too! It took me 8 months to overcome my serger fears and thread the freaking thing and step on the "gas." She left a new sewing machine untouched for a over a year. My T would comment about being judgmental and critical of myself. DANG.

OK,  see this is getting a bit long, I've chilled out in a 70 degree store now after waking up in an 82 degree apartment, sweat dripping everywhere.

Stay well, be happy.

hey, bee,

interesting realization about the difference in knowing your self and knowing your symptoms.  it pinged with me, so i may have a connection to that dynamic as well.

i still am, for the most part, very aware of my spelling and grammar here, usually also reread and edit what i write.  i'm an author/editor as well so it's something that rings 'important' in my brain.  i kind of admire, tho, people who write here and those technical things aren't always perfect.  writing what they're thinking/feeling is most important, with technicalities being not so much.  many, many days i've wished i could do that - it seems it would be a lot simpler, easier, and would contain less pressure/expectations.  i struggle with that perfectionist part.

i'm glad you brought it up.  it's a reminder to me, once again, that i don't have to be perfect, especially here.  sending love and hugs :hug:

thanks san!  :hug: As a child my M corrected my speech, volume, etc. seemingly on a daily basis. When I re-read a typo later, it rankles me. But that's just her old tapes in my brain. I'm made progress on the hyper critical stuff.

Update:

Wow, wow, wow! I am totally "flabbergasted" by the student introductory posts in my course. 7 so far, I make 8. What a wild variety of ages and life experience! (obviously I'm not struck dumb!)

I came up with a very polished post, referencing my time at school, past degree, past employment, and covered all the "why's" easily. I ended with a poem by Lao Tse about Peace in the World. I thought mine was long, however, my classmates like to write! Zippetty Doo Dah! I took out the book that gave me nightmares and will test out if I experience that again. Might be an aberration, if not, will permanently reject.

Dang if I don't feel all normal. It's been a nice day without drama of any kind. I took my 7 yards of fabric to school and used a vacant conference room table to square up my 62 inch pieces. Tomorrow, I drive to the "big city" to visit my ear surgeon. This is the first time I don't have complaints in 4 years! It will be a short one. 

sounds good, bee.  so glad to hear you had a day w/o drama   :cheer:  even one day can be a relief from everything before.   love and hugs  :hug:

hey san, yes, it was a relief and badly needed. Thanks for the continued support.  :hug:

So, oopsie. I just read another post in the forum where Kizzie mentioned the 3 paragraph "standard." I missed that.  after all these years. :aaauuugh:  Now that I know, I'll amend.

A tiny bit of sadness today finding out that my implant surgeon is phasing himself out of practice. He's probably in his late 70's so realistic, even so. This is the second time in 2 weeks I've found out a prior surgeon was leaving, or left. The 71 mile round trip seemed really long this time. I picked up a name brand sleeveless top at the Salvation Army to wear at the photo gallery next Friday.  Already planning to make matching earrings in black and white.

Day 3 of withdrawal is going well. I'm feeling better than I thought I would. My thinking cycles between observation, memory review, analysis and enjoyment. I'm able to "put things down." So, there's hope. Naturally I woke up before 6 AM, but used that time to trim my last curtain piece to match the 3 others. Now I can serge blissfully, then iron, and finish it all up.

After reading the posts from my classmates, I'm struck by the experiences and opinions they share. My in person classes fell far, far short of the sophistication and thoughtfulness that I'm reading now. I feel a twinge of sadness that I don't have personal relationships with others that rise to the level of "wholeness", but that's like allowing myself to notice intact, even semi-healthy families where caring is the norm. The pity party then beckons. I'm concentrating on what's good or great about my life, and how I am appreciating the things I do have and the people that I value in it. 

August 28

Day 4 SSRI taper. I guess I've made some progress that I didn't realize. I'm learning to pace myself and ration my energy supply.
I made a horrendous mess with my beads and it took me 4 whole days to figure out how to clean up. By "mess" I mean different bead sizes, shapes, styles, where each one has their own storage area. Even though I've confined everything to 10 trays in my bedroom now, any particular tray contains from 30-75 different "tiny containers" where similar beads call home. I have an old Dymo labeler and use that a lot. The point being that each time I make something, and put away the materials, I'm nudged over and over to re-organize to make it streamlined and allow room for new purchases. I did a little work transferring and labeling for that purpose today and called it quits after a couple hours.

I'm not sure how this happened, but the ideas from Janina Fishers book and the ideas of radical compassion are starting to "kick in." There are predictable parts to each day that feel unsettled and push me towards compulsive eating or going out when I really don't want to. Today I felt that whole cycle coming on and decided I was going to stay calm and see what came up. I don't know how to explain it coherently, but in order to re-focus, I turned to different ways to "clean up" clothes, kitchen stuff, office stuff, library stuff. I switched back and forth until the "urge" passed to be mindless. Then I got down to business of creating a clear homework, reading surface. I collected my syllabus, texts and put them all in a fabric bag I'd made previously. When I rent textbooks, I'm especially careful since they are paperbacks. I'm allowing myself to feel the challenge of the task, the satisfaction of addressing it in part and the room to ask myself, what should I do now? And the morning is gone!

It feels reassuring when things just kind of naturally click and start to happen, like you describe with the books you read. And that you've found a way to work past those triggers to disengage through eating ongoing out. It reminds me a bit of opposite action type stuff from DBT that helped me break similar cycles.

Good luck getting through that of beads. Honestly the thought of organizing something like that makes me wanna cry. So hats off to you!

I'm sorry that your implant surgeon is retiring. :( that's a little sad and bittersweet.

Armee, yes, very reassuring. Nothing has "worked" for me before, so this is new territory. Cleaning up my messes is one of the hardest things for me. I was aware with each container I took out, I'd have to put it back. This leads me to think about integrating a process since it happens every single time. Although he doesn't remember me, I consulted with my surgeon 45 years ago, and so we have a history. Definitely bittersweet.

August 29

Day 5 of gentle SSRI taper, it's all good. It's incredible it the end of August. Time perception has been all messed up; days crawling be minute by minute, days doing stuff and then having to rest, days where dissociation was so strong it took a real effort to remember the first half during the second. And now, a bit more feeling integrated from hour to hour.

Lately I've noticed some attention absences that concern me. I am holding my keys, looking for my keys. I put something in my backpack, and then forget it a moment later. This stuff used to signal hard times and long periods of spaciness. In July I was cleaning out my car and found a purple umbrella under the passenger side seat. I went through a short list of one person who it could belong to. When I inquired, she said it wasn't hers. I went to my car mechanic, asked there, and no, it wasn't theirs' either.  (Grimace emoticon here!) Is it mine? Did I buy it in some kind of trance? It's certainly a color I love, but hello! This scares me. Not terrifies, just gives me that uneasy feeling. I've misplaced a plastic night guard to prevent me from grinding my teeth and chewing the inside of my cheek raw. It's here, in my space. I've looked for 3 weeks and nothing.  :'( Several hundred $ to replace. I still have hope.

Ending on a lighter, more positive note, my budding understanding of structural dissociation, how it develops and what ages are most affected has had a strange and wonderful result. I am not "blaming" myself, criticizing myself, judging myself for the past any longer. I am saying, "AHA! So, that's what's been happening." I've waited a lifetime for this and now it's finally here. As I like to say, Yikes-er-roo!

(to the writers and proofers out there, pardon my subject/object verb agreement if faulty!)

hey, bee,

i laughed out loud at the last sentence of your post.  i do not read other posts to judge or criticize - that hat is strictly for my own work.  make as many mistake (if there are any) as you want - no problems!   

so very glad your weaning process is going so smoothly.  that's absolutely wonderful! 

as far as the forgetfulness, could it be part of your brain is being affected by getting off those meds?  i wouldn't rule that out.  our brains/bodies get used to having something, and when it's taken away, even slowly, we can have a reaction.  please, be patient with yourself.   hopefully, those attention absences will will sort themselves out over time.

and great news about your 'aha!' moment.  that's wonderful.  that's a load of stuff you were able to get rid of.  definitely something to celebrate, at least in my eyes, so here   :cheer:

love and hugs, bee.   :hug:

Absolutely no problem san! Glad you got a kick out of it. I hope Sage does too. I'm totally fine with your comments and never considered anything critical.

The forgetful part was alive and well before the meds, and seems to increase with anxiety. I tend to track that symptom, as it has waxed & waned over time. Yes, more patient than ever.

Update:
I'm starting to plan one of my last road trips in October to see my brother 2 states away. He has a cat I've never met and I am at heart a feline person. I also hope to bundle that with seeing a lifelong friend of 40 years. I used to make that trip very frequently, but lost my innate sense of direction. I'll just take it slowly and make sure my cell phone is charged and cord available. 

In an e-mail to him, I attached my introductory history class icebreaker post and was horrified to discover no less than 6 misspellings! ARGH. Like spelling trajectory with a ''g". Guess what lesson I learned? Always put my writing through a spell checker, and do it from a desktop. I've screwed up more things than I ever thought possible by brushing the touch pad accidentally. I've only been using one for 3 years.

This week will be a month since my last FOIL requests went to the state and town. Guess what again? I've lost interest! The act of filling the paperwork, combined with the visit 3 weeks ago, seems to have changed the internal landscape a bit. A very valuable lesson that my plans and expectations to "settle" something are off the mark (in this case). Issues can be settled in unexpected ways. My T will be thrilled when I share THAT.

Well, the hair is clean for another week, tried a different combo of conditioners this time. Still 4 total.  My body has approved of all my food choices, no hives for 3 weeks. It just rained here, which means a cool breeze and no harsh sunlight. I've got time to do the dishes, make cookies and read. In an ideal world, reading would be in a bathtub of cool water, but I can't have everything.

Blessings  :grouphug:

August 31

Today was a "zinger." Mostly good, sprinkled with some frustrations, but the good won out. Today was "back to school" for the college and I arrived with the masses at 9 AM.Traditionally, all staff are out in the hallways, manning tables for the lost and in general being happy faces for those returning. My previous Criminal Justice professor recognized me, and acknowledged me. My previous communication professor smiled warmly. All the campus police gave me the nod, as well as other staff. It felt good to be "seen." I gave my history professor a book we agreed he would place on reserve in the library, he smiled and I smiled and walked away. I sat with a young man during lunch, and saw the same person in a study area later. The best was having a conversation with the police chief, in his office about my 46 year old arson experience.

He explained that a number of factors would impact investigations: absence of current technology, volunteer staff turnover, rural districts sparse funding and separation of forensic pursuit, volunteer fire department "drama" and in general helped  listen and wrap this up. I no longer expect any responses to my inquiries, but if by chance that happens, it's a bonus.

I was the first to post a discussion thread analyzing an article written by a historian in our homework section. That was "easy-peasy" for me because it involved referring to the written word, vs listening, reading captions and responding to one of two videos. I have mounds of homework, but it's keeping me interested so far.

Today was day 7 of the half SSRI dose, and tomorrow, I start doing alternate days. The main issue that's surfaced is memory impairment. My short term is shot, but long term intact. Sleep continues to improve, although it's hard to recall my dreams. The occasional headache flies by, but so far, so good. My T and I agree, this is the perfect time to taper/discontinue due to the shift in focus onto academics.

My GrS wants to visit me. I'm not sure if that is a real plan or the periodic longing. I'm open to seeing him now, but still want masks to be part of the picture. I've been able to slowly make small substitutions with my diet which has resulted in modest weight loss. My caffeine consumption is half. My favorite staff person in the building is out with a medical emergency.  :'( I had a close call with Barry at the mail boxes, but avoided an awkward face to face  encounter. It's been 3 weeks.

There's a new murder/mystery comedy on Hulu with Steve Martin, Martin Short and Selena Gomez, it seems promising.

QuoteHe explained that a number of factors would impact investigations: absence of current technology, volunteer staff turnover, rural districts sparse funding and separation of forensic pursuit, volunteer fire department "drama" and in general helped  listen and wrap this up. I no longer expect any responses to my inquiries, but if by chance that happens, it's a bonus

This is amazing, Bee. It's beautiful when we stumble on these moments of acceptance. I wish you could get the answers and closure you are looking for, but if you can't,  this acceptance is the next best.

I am not at all surprised by the number of warm interactions you have had on your first day back to campus. I can imagine many many people would be drawn to being friends with you and just a chance to send you a warm smile probably gives a lot in return.

Hi Armee,  :bighug: great to have you back.

Yes, the conversation sent me into a blissful state for several reasons:
1. my own specific questions
2. learning about this sweet man more
3. seeing his collection of antique WWII fighter plane models his GrF had made when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. 
4. being in the "inner sanctum" of the office
5. the respectful front desk civilian who always remembers to lower his mask when speaking to me

I also got an "eye-crinkling smile" from my favorite officer over his mask. He's the proud Papa with 2 kids. My police affection and attraction goes way back. I always wanted to align myself with whoever had the most "power" to created that happy ending, if there was one. To fulfill an assignment in college in the 80's, I got clearance to photograph a multi-county K-9 training. Heaven on earth.

Thank you for this:

QuoteI can imagine many many people would be drawn to being friends with you and just a chance to send you a warm smile probably gives a lot in return.

I'm liking myself better and I see some shifts in responses.

September 1
Day 8, no SSRI. Woke up from a very specific dream about having more surgery on my face, near my eye.  :'( Is it intuition or anxiety. Doesn't matter. Also, a prior "friend" who held me in contempt and derision appeared with some past memories. That came up due to some sneaky judgmental thoughts about other people I've invested in. " How could I DO that?!?" These are thinking habits which need identification in order to resolve. Slow and steady every day.

I'm calling it quits for now, because the website seems to be clunky and previews take multiple attempts or reloading of the page. Have a peaceful day.  :grouphug:

sounds like weaning off your meds is going pretty smoothly - i'm glad for that for you.

oh my, memories of people i've invested in over the years and how i've eliminated them from my life.  how could i do that?  i was in a different frame of mind altogether, barely thinking of myself and what's best for me, terribly scared of being alone, plus a lot of them were drinking buddies.  different mindset, completely.  so much of what we've allowed in our past can be dreadful to think of now since we're on a different road altogether. 

i love your 'slow and steady' attitude.  keep it up!  love and hugs :hug:

thanks for the  :cheer: san, about the meds and about the slow and steady. You're totally right, different person, altogether. Hello!!!! So glad too, because what a chore it was to make my way through the constant drama. Birds of a feather fly together. My drama was small compared to theirs.

Update:
I ate dinner by myself, alone, not electronics. Guess what? I am full. Confession, I already ate my molasses cookies earlier.  :bigwink: No problem. I looked out the window, and once again appreciated today how "cool" it was 70's!  I'm actually wearing a long sleeve shirt, although started out the AM with the usual sweat dripping off my face. Going into my 5th year here, I am on the third floor, overlook a lot of tall trees and behind that a cemetery. The only activity is in the parking lot out front. Occasionally I see a bunch of deer and generally peaceful.

So, I'm 72 hours into my early western civilization course. I've watched 4 hours of video and read a bunch. And dang! If it isn't happening again.....the lovely recognition that I am "incorporating the course content" into daily life. It's pretty relevant too since the themes are humanism, rationalism and idealism. It was particularly strong while I was in physical therapy and thinking about the human body. Mine being pulled and torqued. All good.

Bee, I felt tranquility as I read your post.  I hope you continue to find ease and comfort.  I love learning and when learning finds its way into our daily routines.   :hug:

 :yeahthat:   :hug:

rainy! No one has ever used the word tranquility after reading something of mine! I'm shocked, amazed and grateful some of the calm came through. Yes, when learning reaches what I call the "second layer of brain cells" good things happen.  :hug:

san, we all agree.  :yes: Sorry to read about the gym in your journal. I feel more comfortable putting my thoughts here. This is exactly what I've experienced for 1.5 years now; intense anger and disappointment. Not too dissimilar from my default setting even before masks. I knew I had to find a way to think about it so I wouldn't burn myself out. This is the first year I haven't gone to the gym in 5 years.  :'( I just can't take that chance.

September 2

Well! Some big stuff is happnin'. I've "adopted" my 5-7 year old and keep her with me during my waking hours. She still doesn't speak, but communicates everything in feelings. When I'm with her, my breathing is regular, I feel calm and loved, and the world is manageable. She likes that little stuffed owl I bought.

In order to short circuit the memory loss, I'm allowing myself more time to do everything. It seems to help. Printing is fixed at school and I have 75 double sided pages of captioned lectures. Not even half! That's OK too. I'm enjoying it more than I ever thought possible!? Strange times.

PT wiped me out yesterday, but that's been true previously, I'm now waiting for my body to give me the green light on a bunch of stuff. I got overzealous with my home exercises and learned from that. It takes a lot of focus to "listen" to my body, but practice will carry the days ahead.

I bowed out of one of the courses I've been waiting 2 years to take, because of masks and acoustics. Normally, I'd get all bent out of shape, but I decided it was a wonderfully caring decision which will eliminate a lot of uncertainty and extra efforts for me.  :cheer: Not used to setting aside my "plans" in favor of emotional space.  :blink:

QuoteNot used to setting aside my "plans" in favor of emotional space.

interesting concept, bee.  never thought of any of this like that.  thanks for sharing this thought.  in reality, i wonder how many times i've done this, as a coping mechanism thru the years. 

by the by, i wouldn't have minded if you'd put your gym thoughts in my journal.  i'm glad i saw them here.  usually this little gym (it's part of our apt. complex) is empty when i've gone.  it's just that i've been so out of it these past 2 months, i was really looking forward to being able to take advantage of it.  i used to work out regularly about 35 yrs. ago, then began to get sick and never could string even a week's worth together since.  just so frustrating when i'm finally feeling good enough to go, do what i love, . . .well . . .   hoping i'll get the chance another time.

anyway, sounds like you've done some great problem solving for yourself.  kudos to you!   :thumbup:  keep up the good work.  love and hugs, bee.   :hug:

Sounds like you are really taking good care of yourself, BeeKeeper  :applause:

Welcome 5-7 year old Bee!  :hug:

I agree with Rainy. I often feel just a ton of calm and wisdom from your posts.

Awwww.  :grouphug: So sweet (heart emoticon here!) thanks for the warmth and acceptance san, owl, Armee.

Flashback to 1958 with a snippet of Buddy Holly's Everyday lyrics:

"Every day, it's a getting closer
Going faster, like a roller coaster,
Love like yours will surely come my way,
A-hey, a hey, hey"

September 3

Day 10 no SSRI

The rubber meets the road. Thanks to USPS early notification, I see a letter from the State Police, but delivery is 3 hours away.

Strange feelings yesterday afternoon following a brief e-mail exchange with my prof. I spent time in acceptance and identification, and encountered a goulash of thoughts. Some very, very old, some new. Some limerence based, most reality based, and wonder of wonders, hangovers and dug in parts which are tenaciously holding the "fort." Point is that I talked myself through a compassionate monologue, allowed all the physical pain to surface and went to sleep anyway. This is what I expect in the days ahead, without my SSRI, but I may be pleasantly surprised to find it's intermittent, not regular.

Dreams told the story, and it was a mosaic of growth. New boundaries, old places, rejection of deafness and coping without anger at that as well. The new boundaries echoed recent experiences with certain people wanting access to my body, and seeming submission to a longstanding "ex-perp." Freedom!  :cheer:

Stay tuned.

 :cheer: to day 10. It sounds like it is going pretty well!

My fingers are crossed for you that either the letter contains something promising, or that you are able to take it in and accept it if there are no answers, knowing that you have what you need, even if you want more.

I hope that doesn't come across as cold or cruel. I only mean that...well... at first I was bitterly upset when I couldn't access my father's medical records because I was looking for anything at all to help me understand who he was and why he did the things he did. But I realized after a bit I had all the information I really needed already and let it go, after a few days of not feeling great. I hope your period of disappointment is short lived if you are not given promising news today

"Please be advised that a search of our files failed to locate any records responsive to your request. Any records we may have had concerning the above have met our criteria for purging and therefore have been destroyed. Accordingly, your check in the amount of $30 is enclosed and returned to you."

 :hug:

I'm so sorry, Bee.

:bighug:

oh, my dear bee.  so very sorry.  that really sucks.

sending love and a hug filled with compassionate support. :hug:

Thank you Armee and san for the consolation.  :grouphug:

Sept 4

It's 5:20 here, just got up from a dream filled night; some due to unexpected reactions from the notice: some due to the 3.5 hours I spent with my sib who revealed information about herself and Hus #1 which I hadn't known. Other shocking revelations followed and I was unprepared for the way we coped with all of it. Despite the horrendous nature of everything, this was the first time I've experienced her as sane and inquisitive, with a real interest, not voyeuristic self-gratification. That in itself was a mind bender. Long story short, I knew the aftermath would take a while to sort out, and I'm not wrong.

Boundaries, powerlessness, withdrawal from social supports all take their toll and it's life long. But there's strength and hope with the recognition and I will work through this step by step with lots of patience. Because I deserve it!

Going to focus and distract myself with Early Western Civilization homework this morning. I have a challenging post to write. 

Bee, I appreciate your recognition of recognition.  I hope you find some balance today.   :hug:

Whew.

That sounds like a draining heavy day, Bee. Rest up when body and brain allow.

 :yeahthat: 

may i add to be gentle and patient with yourself as you navigate the aftermath.  sending love and a hug filled with understanding. :hug:

thank you rainy, Armee and san. Surprisingly, I have found balance, although in the mundane act of laundry. Even though I did half of it, that's more than I'm used to doing. Now, there is a feeling of accomplishment, as well as the faint smell of vinegar in the air! That makes me smile.

I experienced unexpected, intense feelings of revenge almost immediately after reading the letter. The urge was to mail all my paperwork to him, where his wife would wonder. The intent was to blow up his life. Then I had a reality check. If I did that he'd easily know where I am, although that info can be gotten from my DBA filed in two counties. Point being, my self-protection won out and I dismissed that thought with a difficulty after 30 minutes of analysis. Bottom line, he didn't kill me, but he could have. 

Update PM

I'll start of with my "men."  First, the chef. I saw him today, earlier than I usually do. I set up my homework with Chromebook, notes, food etc. at my favorite table and I could tell he was curious about what I was watching. (You Tube homework about Greece) because he spent a lot of time at the surrounding tables, cleaning, then going back to clean again, with no customers in between.  :bigwink: We greeted each other.

Next Barry. This makes me  :pissed: Yesterday was double saturation with two encounters; one at the entrance and one IN the elevator about 8 hours later. Encounter #1. He turned to talk to me, and I pointed to my head and said "no hearing aid"!  Shorthand for deaf. It didn't phase him in the least, he kept talking with his mask on. Then he pantomimed him seeing me. As though he wanted to talk. I said: "You see me, I see you" and walked away. I couldn't imagine what he wanted.

The good news is that Larry counteracts Barry and leaves a sweet feeling behind. I'm grateful for that.

After I returned from a gut wrenching time in the big city, and was held together by will power, I got in the elevator. I saw him coming along, stepped to the back and waited. I hoped I would be spared and the elevator doors would close with a solitary ride. Nope.  He reached out his hand to stop the door, gave me a big greeting with a wave and I remained a stone.  My processor was in my pocket, now after hours of wear. I moved nothing, no shifting stance, no smile behind the mask, but absolute cold indifference to his presence. I had a moment to observe him as we rode up a floor together and wondered how this person had hijacked my life so intensely for a short period of time. (Rhetorical only, I know every single reason.) I felt a small twinge that I had not been gracious in the least, but let myself act and feel with no ambiguity. Just  tolerance with suppressed disgust.  It's unfathomable to me that this is how he wants to "play" it. As though nothing happened and he's the one who took the high road. His problem, not mine.

 :hug:

Dang Bee that's a lot and I see you holding it all and not faltering.  :cheer:

You handled those situations - all - with strength and decisiveness.  You were strong, and put your self first, which is where you belong.

Thanks for the hug and cheer Armee. It helps to have that support, without it, I know I'm OK, but with it, I sit a little taller.

Sept 5

I catch myself still wanting to write "August" :doh:

My big fat Greek thought this morning was to "walk off my migraine." The last thing I wanted to do, but did it anyway. I was 50% successful and will use that knowledge to take the RX as last, last resort. I tracked the distance around my complex's walking path and it fulfills 34% of my current wimpy daily goal. All good!

Three days following my PT rehab, I am down to manageable pain and will restart my exercises. I got a tip about how to feed my fabric through the serger with my left arm and hand; by wearing gloves with little raised dots. Just happen to have some and washed them yesterday. Whoo!

My prof sent out a disciplinary oriented e-mail to the class last night, and from the content and tone, I know he's annoyed. Even so, he handles that professionally and I might be able to learn a thing or two from his techniques. Also, very intensely gratifying, but not absolutely necessary is I was graded on my prior posts. Like the cereal advertisement with "Mikey", he likes it! Getting ready to do the final edit on my chunky post this AM, doubling the minimum word count of 250. Still, it's a real challenge to cut it down.

I see that my strategy of giving myself space and time to deal with my memory reduction is working really well. In fact I locked myself out today, but said immediately "remain calm" came up with a plan and the stars aligned to make it happen exactly as I'd hoped. I then got my keys, remembered a couple other things I wanted to take and very happy with myself and life this morning.

My D and I had a very rewarding message exchange last night, in which I revealed my SSRI details and withdrawal. She was inquisitive and supportive. I also learned my GrD had the same physical reactions after taking Concerta years and years ago, which my D noticed after 1 week! And subsequently terminated that. I was impressed by my D's observations, her actions and her care for my GrD. Very interesting stuff.

Update:

A 12-13 year old part has surfaced and she's got a lot to say. Right now, she's absolutely right. I posted my week 2 review of a video and was pleased with it. I'm now working on my curtains and making cookies.

It makes me feel really happy that you had a safe and connecting message exchange with your daughter. 💛

You are brilliant, too, Bee. It kind of cracks me up that you almost seem surprised when you get positive feedback or smiles back from people you interact with. I know it's not your fault you came to see yourself in a different light for a chunk of your life, and that some terrible people in your life made you feel less than in all sorts of ways. But that was them.

Bee is witty and fun, smart and clever, kind and wise, creative and warm, strong and way worthy. It's not a surprise to me at all that you are greeted in life with such praise and warmth.

Armee,

Your sweet, caring post means so much. Thank you for a different perspective.  :hug: You're close when you say, I seem  "almost surprised." Just remove almost.  There's still a long distance between my heart and head. 

Sept 7

Up at 3 AM after an unexpected 12 hour retreat to my cave. It was coincidentally Day 14 of 1/2 dose of SSRI. Last one, for now. I've swung through a cycle of interpretive feelings: disappointment, shame, relief, gratitude, comfort, curiosity, and compassion. I think I'll stay with compassion.

San posted about her feelings about not being able to do the things she did 30 to 40 years ago, and that hit the bullseye. I've allowed myself to recognize reality and my accomplishments despite the upward climb. Still, I "expect" more of myself than I can realistically give, but have identified the recent digressions as C19 related. This year, although we are slightly lightening up, the threat has not passed. One way this manifests itself in my life is the aversion to bright sunlight, which in the past meant going out, doing things and being active. Another thing is that 2 surgeries this year have brought me to a place of vulnerability.

The above, combined with reading a couple pages of Janina Fisher's book, seeing my life in that perspective, taking relational risks and being kind to myself.....the mountain is steep and high. I'm not discouraged, but I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. I recognize it's my own growing pains.

Lastly, I had an epiphany about transference, it also happens outside of therapy and be just as intense and confusing. I'm able to cope with stuff as long as I have a name and a clue. Unrelated and also surprising is that my sib has responded to me in a normal way since out last encounter Friday. I won't expect it to continue, but this is the opposite of  the last 30 years of interactions!

Song lyrics continue to accompany me through my days. Girls groups from the late 60's are particularly strong now.   

Bee, I am grateful for the chance to read your entries.  I learn something each time and appreciate the model you offer for me of navigating all the stuff we navigate. 

Thank you Rainy  :hug: I came here to learn 7 years ago and it's gratifying that what I use here is good for others too. I believe I wouldn't be "as far" as I am without the forum.  :grouphug:

I've managed to accomplish all my little preliminary school related "tasks" today. More important than learning the current subject matter, is learning how to identify my own "left field" thoughts. For instance: I put a massive amount of effort into a video review which took me 4 days. The post before took me MUCH less time. And I was graded for the entire unit on the basis of the first post.  :stars: OK, OK. It's not necessary to make a touchdown. So, I'm going to see if the same thing happens.

The point being this, and I'm not ashamed, but kind of feeling something like silly, is that I told myself I was in it for the grades and to prove my ability to write again after 30 years.  :no:. The point is to get attention and recognition.  :doh: Well, that's fine too. So I can knock a couple of expectations and delusions from my list of "strivings." My ultimate goal is to stop proving, PERIOD. That's so lofty though.

I've been watching some old TV, specifically Army Wives. Sometimes I feel a definite disconnect though, because I can't imagine a couple having a loving, long-term relationship, in which they overcome their problems and work out their differences. I've never seen it, never had it myself and well, I know it's all scripted, but even people on the forum are married or having supportive relationships. That makes me  :'( and feeling left out. 

bee, i wholeheartedly agree with your perspective on not being as far along as i am w/o the forum.  i've found you and others here to be supportive and encouraging when i've needed it the most.  besides that, i've gained newfound wisdom and ways to look at my situation.  to you and the others, i am profoundly grateful.  :grouphug:

to stop 'proving' is indeed a lofty thought to those of us who have been stuck in its loop for however long.  little by little, right?  you're not alone in this.  love and hugs :hug:

 :hug:

A big hug to you for those feelings of being left out on the relationship front. That hurts and you deserve to have that.

Its interesting you say you had an epiphany about transference as it happens outside therapy too. I don't remember what I was reading a day or two ago but it was about how female student to male professor relationships become sexualized because of our culture and how we interpret strong feelings of admiration between the sexes. The article talked about the norm being to idolize teachers and mentors but for men/boys that gets interpreted in a nonsexual way whereas for woman it gets interpreted differently. I thought that was interesting.

Armee, I appreciate the thoughts on differences with transference between men and women. I agree that most interpretations in current day society are sexualized, which is too bad because it leaves other useful lessons in the dust. I am the first to admit past male/female therapeutic transference had a large dose of overt sexuality, but I actually see it as a symptom of CSA. But anyway. What I figured out is it had to do with my F's expectations of me. I was his "favorite" because I was so much like him. 

In this case, it fit with parental expectations, especially of being "smart." To be stupid or dumb was an average condition which merited no special favors or recognition. My F was a brilliant engineer, severely impaired with non-existent social skills. It might be because he was raised by an alcoholic, and a strange unknowable mother. Point is that numbers, logical thinking, scientific principles were  the cat's meow. whereas anything with emotions or emotional intelligence went completely unseen.

At some point in my life, I suspect after shouting matches at the kitchen table with algebra and geometry "help" I decided to seek approval for "smartness." And that has persisted to this day. I don't want to be just "good", but "excellent." Leave no stone un-turned in the superhuman effort. I've made my own problems and suffering because of it. However, with knowledge comes understanding and then change.

Sept 8

I functioned very well yesterday, despite my early 3 AM start time. I wrote out my homework, posted it and then prepared for today. My T and I talked first thing (9AM) and she explained my unexpected revenge filled temporary reaction to the State Police purge notice was very normal and understandable. Seeing that I couldn't have "closure" through impartial means, I took my anger out of the closest nearest thing, his pitiful existence. But reason prevailed and I took no action.
She also mentioned that I might have to actually speak the words to Barry to leave me alone, stop trying to engage, etc. Or I could continue with my present course, demonstrating through non-verbals and body language, I have no interest. I am invisible. I'll mull that over.

PT is not going well. So, we are both backing off. That's a relief, but brings with it some acceptance which is difficult to embrace.

The best thing that happened today was seeing my favorite campus police officer when I drove into the restricted lot. I forget what I call him. He's the one with kids. Anyway, after a little banter, he called me over to his vehicle to show me a picture of his 17 year old son, who is taking body building and self-care to a high level. He had "before and after" pictures.
In the before photo could be any teen taking a selfie in the mirror. I noticed how incredibly cute he was! The after photo, looks like someone applied a filter, but even so, every single ab muscle was clearly defined and visible. Whoa Nelly. I accused him of getting a fake photo from Twitter or IG, and he swore, SWORE, up and down it was real. OMG. He said the transformation took place over 2 years and then started talking about himself, when he was younger.  :bigwink: The true purpose of this exchange.

I am old enough to be this guy's mother, but still is was sweet of him to want to share with me. I told myself it showed trust, and it did. It's taken a number of years to get to this point. It also left me with a smile on my face for a while.  :yes: I'm not the only one who wants and needs "attention."

That exchange with the campus police is so sweet sounding. He needed a "mom" to be proud of him like he is proud of his son. You were very kind to provide him that opportunity.

It sounds like you need to aim to get straight Bs...or gasp...even Cs!!!!

But it totally makes sense now to me (not that you need me or anyone else to get it, when you understand so well) why you push yourself so hard in your classes.

Anger seems very appropriate to me at the whole situation with the files. Anger at the system for not keeping them, for making you work so hard just to find out they don't exist, and of course toward the person who committed the violence in the first place.

And big but gentle hugs only if you want them for what you wrote about transference and CSA. Makes a lot of sense.  :hug:

  :yes: Armee, I can be that "Mom"

At first reading, this did not compute:

QuoteIt sounds like you need to aim to get straight Bs...or gasp...even Cs!!!!

OMG, it took a minute to get it. Very funny!

I like to see myself as the calm, cool, collected evolved Buddhist like elder, who has achieved a state of partial enlightenment, where the pain of everyday life doesn't touch me. I'm really good at imagining things! So when anger explodes without my knowledge or consent, I'm "shocked, just shocked"  :aaauuugh: at the raw emotion.

Yep, especially anger at the system for making me work so hard to find out they don't exist. I tried to shortcut that process by asking a county admin what the "cut off' was in record keeping, but as expected, was totally ignored. Shortcut is not a word in bureaucratic vocabulary.

Quote from: BeeKeeper on September 09, 2021, 11:50:03 AM

At first reading, this did not compute:

QuoteIt sounds like you need to aim to get straight Bs...or gasp...even Cs!!!!

OMG, it took a minute to get it. Very funny!

I actually am quite serious about that. If you wanted to be free of this feeling that you HAVE to be smart and excel....the cure is to NOT do that and see everything is still ok. You'd still be likeable  to the professor and a joy to have in class. Maybe you'd even want to tell the professors what you are doing and why.

Believe it or not, I rationally considered this Armee, and I may just do exactly that!  :bigwink: I think he'd be wholeheartedly "in."

i totally relate to what you wrote, bee, about having to excel at everything.  i also grew up with the idea that being 'average' or even 'good'  (getting C's or B's) was not acceptable, and i had to do a lot of work at being ok with just being me, no matter what the results of my efforts were.  it was like my F's voice was in my head most of my life about this.  dang, it's a tough one.  it's been harder to be average, a regular person, than excelling at things.  these old messages die hard, but, yeah, the trauma and expectations from them die even harder.

good luck with the process.  i completely support you with this.  love and hugs :hug:

I relate, too, Bee and know how hard it is to not push your hardest to excel. It would be going against decades of how you've survived!

I also think...KNOW....you are more than worthwhile just being you, no matter how smart or hardworking you are or are not. It's an honor to "know" you, Bee.

Aw Armee.  :hug: yep. Resistance is currently not exactly futile, but I have to get out a pick axe to chip away every day.

san, yes, I still "hear" the voice in terms of thoughts, relentless, and ever-looping.  And yes, the expectations do die hard, if they die at all. But in the past couple years, I've made tiny, microscopic baby step progress, so I think something is better than nothing.

Well, I had my Eureka moment for the day, week and possibly month, although we're only 9 days into it. I speak to myself out loud at times when I realize something totally obvious, those words are: "Hello brain!" I know that is judgemental, sarcastic and full or irony, but I prefer to focus on the humorous aspect which is "wakey, wakey!"

I think I've said before that there is a paved level walking path around the building property and I am starting to embrace it. Multiple laps, which help me realize my 1.5 mile daily goal. And the fact is scientifically proven that when you walk, your brain has a better ability to "solve problems." My problem was not even conscious, but rolling around about transference and my seemingly inexplicable gravitation towards a certain person. I've spent a considerable amount of time on it, and instinctively "knew" there was a kernel missing.

Thanks to my current module on Plato and his philosophy principles, the word Platonic jumped out of the laptop screen and slapped me across the face!

Alrighty then! The missing link, the person who has been "forgotten" all these years. He still lives in my scrapbooks and photo albums so he isn't lost, but we haven't spoken in 20 years. He's married now and happy. A small part sings out like Gladys Knight, "it should have been me!"

Bottom line, we were soulmates for a time, briefly friends with benefits, but most importantly all the things about him helped me "get through" a horrendous portion of life, and despite my failures and all that, he loved me anyway! So many qualities overlap with my current situation, I finally am peaceful about resolving it, because I can move it from shame based "ewwww" to comfort based "OK."

A lot of people have stepped into my life at various times, and to those who showed me their best, and also appreciated mine,  I thank you.  :grouphug:

Sept 10

I took a risk today and met via Zoom with my instructor.  I learned some behind the scenes things, which caused him to send out the e-mail reprimand last weekend. Surprisingly it had to do with me, because I was the recipient of inappropriate behavior by one guy that consistently  "targets" my posts to find inaccuracies or question my reasoning. It did raise a subtle flag, which I couldn't fully identify. I feel the instructor protects me/others by intercepting poor "comportment" and sets a high standard.

Today is pretty good. I'm out walking before 8 in the AM, and that seems to start things off much better than hanging out in bed. The SSRI has worn off, and the world is still spinning, I haven't done anything unusual except abandon my kitchen cleanliness routine. My dreams are not so vivid, and I remember more when I wake up. Time perception seems to be more normal, instead of slow motion. I'm back to spending a lot of time with my hands in my hair, but not pulling it out. I've devised an alternate substitute behavior that sometimes works. I will reserve the possibility that if life takes a turn and I find myself seeing only gray that I'll reassess.

After I view the last 2 hours of lectures and take an online test, I hope to mellow out with my sewing and serging curtains for a couple of days. I've concluded, once again, that I'm trying to do too much, which is evidenced by my creative mess. Like all reformed people, I periodically come to a point where recognize if I want simplicity, I have to let something go. And then proceed, blithely on my over-committed way to do the same things over and over. But I also feel that I'm ready to make changes, because if I want it different, I have to DO it different. One simple act would be to get rid of my variety of knitting needles. That closes the door to knitting!

Memory is the biggest area which the SSRI affected. Short and long term. It opened all the compartment doors and let everyone and everything out to mingle and mix. That caused a lot of chaos for a time, but all that has settled down now.

I sometimes have ideas about people and behavior which I never considered before. One of these is about the arsonist. I think I finally realized how he "could do that." The reality is he has probably never had a coherent, unified thought which connected to feelings in his life. Not his fault exactly being raised by this stoic, cold parents. Adding fuel to the fire, he was firmly entrenched in a religious cult/belief which permeated my FOO. It tended to separate (dissociate) feelings from the body, reality etc. and I now see the act of fire starting as the ONLY time in which he probably came together in body and spirit. Not that I agree it was the right thing to do, but I can see (metaphorically) the intense rage, desire for revenge, hatred of ex wives, and desire for power and control in that one act. So, he did it and he wasn't sorry in his heart. And that's what makes it more pitiful than ever.

risks, realizations, and healthy physical behaviors - you go!  i know my brain feels good after a walk, while my body becomes energized after a workout w/ weights.  the mind/body connection, right?  i love it!  i've also discovered along the way that when i'm doing something physical for myself, my mind is calmer and i have less inclination to eat too much or the unhealthier options.  so, good vibes all around.

so glad the ssri's have worn off.  i'm guessing even the memory stuff will right itself after some time has passed. 

fire-starting is a complicated behavior, as you pointed out.  a lot of negativity behind it, and, as you mentioned, from more than one source.

i think you're doing great.  keep up the good work!  love and hugs :hug:

It's heartbreaking, and terrifying, what you wrote about the arsonist. Having such hatred and desire to control and overpower is really scary.  :hug: I'm so glad you are OK, Bee.  :hug: :hug: :hug:

It's also a really interesting realization you came to, about feelings and actions actually aligning in that moment, perhaps the only moment that happened. It gives me a huge cement block in my gut taking all that in right here and now.

But then lightening it...knowing that your professor was looking out for you, and other students. 💛

Noticing your hands in your hair and having an acceptable substitute to pulling it is such a great path to be on. Even if we falter a little, once we can catch it and have the strength to stop, when we can, and do something else...that's healing.  :grouphug:

Armee,

oops, just lost a whole paragraph.  :pissed:

I'm sorry my post had the effect it did. I should have put up a warning. In fact, I'll do so now.

TW AHEAD; graphic thoughts about religious trauma and if you're feeling wobbly, stop reading now.

That thought came up last night, and it had the potential to send me to a bad place, but paradoxically, the way it fell together felt so right like two puzzle pieces I've been working on forever, finally matched. I've thought a lot  about my religious upbringing and my family's total embrace of it, (except my F) that I've hesitated to "name" it, for fear there are some adherents on the forum and I will be attacked or shunned.

I believe that this religion destroyed whatever chance I could have had (left) for a normal life. Being raised by a damaged  mentally ill M, going to a boarding school sponsored by this religion, marrying a man who got his identity from that religion, spending 25 years with my stepsister, who was also raised in that religion and tormented me for years.  I finally said goodbye to everyone and everything affiliated in 2015.  It's insidious and incredibly horrendous because it has elements of Normal Vincent Peale's Power of Positive Thinking, the Secret's philosophy, abundance mindset from New Age writings, and finding your purpose through an unknowable and mysterious "God"-the latter being some basic theocratic ideas from ancient Egypt.

I briefly went to mainstream Divinity school 10 years ago and after one semester, I donated ALL my Bibles afterward, attended a non denomination church as a safety net and auditory training ground, but haven't stepped foot in one for 3 years. I even asked my instructor today if he had heard of or had any experience with the denomination and he said, "no." That closes off that avenue for discussion.   

To top it all off, the history class I took in spring triggered me when we came to the study of medieval times- all the top beliefs of that religion were in stark view. I attempted to engage my instructor, but he passed. Point being, all these toxic things are historically based from antiquity, and they morph into different flavors, depending on the "founder" or even government in power. Yes, Government.

I found 1 solitary book during the summer that had been written by a survivor, and did a little reading without acquiring the book. I made me nauseous and hit me so hard, I couldn't take in more than 20 pages, max. Just too much. But it was all there, in excruciating detail. Think of the urge to continually throw up, cringe and SH, all at the same time. (sorry  :'( it's real)

It's probably obvious to readers who "know" me that this subject is a hot button. Yes, it will always be so.

This is what I don't want, or need.
Guesses as to which denomination, scolding for rejection the divine, platitudes of any kind. If you feel the urge to do that, pass it up. Let's remember we have all been hurt by things which only a small portion of the population has been and unless you've walked any distance in my shoes, you'll meet me with compassion and not judgement.

thanks to the friends who are still with me  :grouphug:

 :grouphug:

Just lots of hugs, Bee. Lots of them.  And acceptance.  :hug:

Thank you Armee, a great way to end the day.  :hug:

Sept 11

Writing this at 6:30 AM after waking at 6 from a lucid dream. The decade of the 80's "compartment" door is open and all my social workers, agency reporting, daughter's CSA, attendant feelings of powerlessness and betrayal are on full display.

Recovery and healing are difficult and painful.

Going out for a walk to process. In the past, walking and running was my favorite a form of flight. Now, it's the opposite. It helps me understand and collect my thoughts.

Bee, Those types of dreams can be so unnerving.  Our body feels the reality of them.  I hope movement supported processing.

rainy,

it absolutely did and transformed the entire experience. Thanks for the support  :hug:

 :hug:

Bee, so much is flooding through you right now and I am amazed, but not at all surprised that you can stand up and be with it. You have built up through so much hard work this amazing reserve of resilience to ride through these difficult waves of memory.  :hug:

I'm having trouble finding the words to say ... none of that means you also can't be not ok. It's not fair you have had to go through this and these memories could throw anyone for a loop.

 :hug:

Armee,

Thanks for the recognition of resilience, I surprised myself! After 7 hours of being upright and walking a whopping 3 miles I am finally feeling "tired".  :yes:

Bach, thanks for the kind hug. I wish it were in person.

Well, I confess, I'm still tied to perfectionism, but will allow for minor faults. I gritted my teeth and pushed through the last of my 9 hours of lectures to take the automated test. I missed one question. But...(Gasp!) I didn't even identify WHICH ONE it was. I don't care right now.

All kinds of thoughts are whizzing around my head, but am staying focused on the present moment....we interrupt this post to have a conversation with my favorite campus police officer. More later.   :bigwink:

hey, bee,

i think allowing minor faults, especially if you're not berating yourself because of them, is a wonderful step to accepting the imperfection of being human.  those unrealistic expectation that were put on us are simply awful, to my mind.

cheers  :cheer: to conversations with favorite campus police.  hopefully, it added some sunshine to your day.

so sorry for everything you've had to go thru.  i agree, it wasn't fair.  not at all.  sending love and a hug filled with care and support and acceptance of your imperfect perfection :hug:

hey san,

I like the words/thought of imperfect perfection, and with Armee's suggestion of B or even C, who knows?

I've decided to call my officer "Chip", honoring the old TV program by the same name and the cute lead in it. My Chip is not nearly as cute, but I did notice a little tiny physical attribute on his face, which is endearing. So, the sun rose at 1:30 PM when he showed up and wowie, zowie, did we "share" this time! 85% him, the remainder me, but that's fine.

The absolute worst thing he showed me on his phone today was his "hot tub" in his back yard, complete with flat screen TV nearby. He specifically described how after he played golf today he was going to relax in it and chill out.

The reason the hot tub was horrible is that I WANT ONE! I wanna be in one, every single day of my life, until I kick! I left  my bathtub behind in 2015 in expensive housing and gone the "walk in shower" route ever since. In fact, when I move again, that is going to be a non-negotiable item. I've already looked nearby for 2 years. I actually said out loud, "This is cruel and inhuman treatment!" He asked me what I was doing tomorrow, and I showed him all my zippered pouches I made  that I carry and said "sewing."

This is a BIG life adjustment, since I have spent my entire life retreating to the tub for comfort and peace.   :'( :bawl:

Oh man. I feel for you, Bee. I couldn't imagine life without a tub. It's my retreat too (though actually I have been avoiding them as they seem to be a little bad for me too as i dissociate and spend hours in them)

I have my fingers way crossed you find a place to live with a tub or better a hot tub.

Thanks Armee,

That means a lot and you are the FIRST one to express any sympathy and empathy about it.  :hug:

Sept 12 SAD POST TODAY TRIGGER WARNING

After lengthy procrastination, the gig is up and my laundry is now in commercial dryers. I live only a short distance away, so I can drive home and do other stuff while it spins. The kitchen needs serious attention and so a division of labor seems good. Waiting for the washer allowed me to walk and shoot towards my unbroken 4 day trend. I'm proud of myself for that, because symptom #1 is lethargy. Still taking it one day at a time-each day is different too.

Uncharacteristically I received a lengthy email as a response from my sister regarding another Sept visit. In it she expressed her unsuccessful efforts to get to an estate sale. I'm trying not to read too much into it, but I was directly responsible for removing her car. She was in bankruptcy, and I couldn't maintain mine, hers and supporting her too. Old, painful times. 

I mentioned to my D that I "finally' understood why she loved another state so much. She pressed for "why?"

TRIGGER WARNING: When my GrS was 7 his father was shot and killed in front of his home, and the last gift he gave to my GrS, my D and myself was denying his son's request to  go with him while he took a short walk to the store. On the way back, he was shot (in the face)  and left on the sidewalk to die.

My D and GrS came over that night and it will be in memory always. Tough, tough times. Just like I moved 30 miles away, she moved 400. And although we bounced back and forth between states for a while, she stayed "there" and I stayed "here." It's taken 15 years, but she's made amazing progress. We don't agree on everything, but we agree on enough now to make it safer than it ever has been. 

The fall out for my GrS has been significant, and objectively expected. Added to my D's immaturity of having him at 17 y.o. he got the brunt. I tried to protect the best I could, but one person wasn't enough. Still, it's nice he considers me his M and has my name tattooed inside his left wrist.  :'(

such a horrible time in your life, bee.  i can't even imagine.  i just want to give you a big hug and send love and compassion your way.  :bighug:

Bee. There isn't a hug big enough for you.  :bighug:

I don't understand how humans can be put through so much and come out a shining light still but here you are.

Your relationship with your Grandson is very likely saving his life. And I know he must be an amazing person and so thank you for giving this guy what he needs...secure attachment. He has your name tattooed on his wrist. 💛💛💛

I'm so proud of you Bee. Great job getting out for walks every day, for muscleing through the SSRI tapering. You're doing great.

And way to put your silver lining on the laundry situation.  :grouphug:

Thank you san and Armee,

I misjudged my readiness to put that all "out here" in the world and not feeling chipper and resilient since then. I considered retracting and deleting but will leave it up for now-maybe delete later. I acknowledge a collection of triggers to bring this up.

1. An assignment of a funeral oration and a comment I made about losing "sons" on my class forum
2. Army Wives Season 5 saw an exit of a young character, and although I knew it was coming, told myself, "No big deal."
3. "Seeing" my D in such a way, that it was so, so obvious to me. She posts little videos of herself and this was one different in emotional authenticity than all the rest.

Put it all together and the grief volcano unexpectedly erupted. It doesn't last for days and day, but while it does, it's very intense. He and I came to an understanding before he died and I cherish that forever.  All in all, it will come up and each time it does, I hope to "handle" it more easily, if that's even a word.

 :hug:

 :hug: back Armee, I hope you're OK this morning.

Sept 13

Well, last night I took the "easy way out" and asked my D to buy me an inexpensive book for my class. She ordered within 5 minutes of receiving my request!  It was on the list of "recommended sources", it turns out I need it. The interesting part about all this was I spent 20 minutes finding out how I could access for free. When I saw I couldn't do it, I started to strategize. Then, lightning hit!

OH, yeah, I could ask for it  :aaauuugh:

My D has been quite generous with me, providing funds for laundry services, and ntermittent checks "just because."  I have maintained my stance of: even if I'm in poverty, I can still take care of myself.  :dramaqueen: But hey, every once in a while, I ease up.  :bigwink:

Today started at 5: 30 AM, which was OK, I love the dark, calm, early morning hours. I considered getting up and doing a 2 mile walk, but opted instead for tidying up. Turns out to be a good choice. All my clothes are clean and in drawers or on hangers. What is the best part about clean laundry? Having choices about what to wear each day!!!!

I reviewed a YouTube video about blind hems, and after significant procrastination, will do SOMETHING with them today. Sunday was half spent underwater, but I came up slowly as the evening went on. I'm OK now.

so glad you were able to ask for help.  what a breakthrough!  keep on keepin' on, ok?  right beside you.  love and hugs, bee :hug:

Thanks san,

Later realizing it was so incredibly easy, I felt a bit silly. I've shared tidbits of recovery stuff with her and she seems more compassionate and accepting without trying to always put it in terms of her preferred agenda for healing. So there's that!

A quirky thing has happened, which might lead me to an unknown place. I received no grade on my online class posts. Surely an oversight, but guess what? I'm not going to say anything about it, except here.   :yes: Looks like a great opportunity for me to just relax and back off.   :cheer:  MUCH easier said than done.

Asking for help is so hard, because, at least for me...you have to first feel worthy of help.  So it seems so huge that you could do that.  :hug:

Ah poop but you worked hard for that grade!!!! Gaaaah!!!!  ;D

It sounds like yesterday was pretty hard emotionally. I'm glad you are OK now and wish you hadn't had to spend some time yesterday not being OK. But  not being ok sometimes comes with the territory and I see how hard you have worked to have those times under water become shorter over time.  :hug:

Good point Armee, i never gave much thought to asking for help. Worthiness, and just plain common sense.  :stars: confusing! (not really!)

Yes, ah poop! Especially since I'm spending hours and putting in footnotes, just for the practice of it all. No problem though. I've settled on a new agenda. Less time, more highlighting when reading and focusing on other life experiences, the way I meant it to be originally.

Well, the underwater does come with life experiences of grief, and I can always HOPE for shorter, but I can also go through it too. Without headaches now, which is surprising. I just say, OK, well, here we are. I'm not gonna fight it, but feel it. Plus, I also did what another forum member did. I mentally ripped up my daily "to do" list making more space and ease for myself every day.

Update:
This morning one of my ASL instructors from last year, who started a preliminary personal relationship with me in spring, saw me at the top of the 3rd flight of stairs, huffing and puffing. She signed my breathing in an exaggerated way, and that made us both laugh. It was great to start off the day with a smile,

I had been all angsty about "sharing" too much with her, which I thought made her back off. but when I talked to my T about it, it was less about me, and more about her. So, I just let go of expectations, and it seems to work better. Every time she's seen me she stops to chat, and it leaves us both feeling good. In reality, that's what I want, feeling good, no matter "how it happens." If it happens naturally like this, vs during or after "heart to hearts" then that's fine too.

Thanks for the feedback.  :hug:

Sept 14

LIbby posted this statement in rainydairy's journal, and I thought it was "right on" with applications everywhere.

QuoteI think that we expect to much of ourselves, and this makes others so demanding of us.

Ooooooo, I never thought of it like this, and what a perspective. Durn it all!

This is a small thing, but has big consequences. For 2 weeks, the microwave oven in the college cafeteria has been strange because the button that releases the door has been stuck. It won't work unless the door is closed. Sometimes I can get it unstuck, but mostly, I can't. I decided yesterday having hot coffee was worth some effort, so brought in a small can of WD-40 and sprayed the critical areas, early, before I could be observed. Worked like a charm. Now I'm happy and untold others will be too! Ask me now, "why do women rule the world?"

Way to get stuff done Bee. Next time though march in with a holster of WD40 and whip em out in front of a crowded cafeteria. Just sayin. It'd be worth it.

Quotemarch in with a holster of WD40 and whip em out in front of a crowded cafeteria.

I enjoyed that Armee  :bigwink:

Finally got myself in gear, my braid is started: 4 inches in 15 minutes. It's not the braid itself, I'm hopeful to report to my PT person tomorrow, this does the trick. I will also demonstrate. But, the braid is kind of cool too, since I don't normally go for "jewel tones" it definitely has that vibe. Who knew I'd mellow in old age?

I was all excited to wear my CLEAN clothes and went with turquoise today. In packing my food this AM, I discovered a huge (oil based) stain on the front of my shirt before I left the home. I swiped it with a sponge, thinking it was a water based problem, but no. Dang, dang. Lived through it and nobody grabbed my arm to say, WHAT did you SPILL On yourself?!?!?

After spending $3.21 on a massive slice of breakfast pizza, I ate half and put it away. Generally food is cheaper at school, but the ambiance of my favorite store cafe still calls to me.

Bee, I can always visualize so well your experiences as you use such descriptive language.  Thinking of the turquoise shirt made me realize I want to add more colors to my wardrobe as I tend to wear a lot of darker colors like gray, black.  Color holds meaning and I hope to switch it up more once I know what my new job will be. 

rainy, thank you! Your comment reminds me of my T, who wears dark colors exclusively; browns, grays, blacks. I asked about it and she said it came from her childhood when she went to a school that required uniforms. She also said it was just easier for her not to add thinking about clothing choices. As a mother of 3 boys, working full time, she's a pragmatist with a capital P.

Just because others are color oriented, doesn't mean you have to be. I was born with a technicolor brain, and there's two sides of that coin.

Sept 15

Therapy later today, both mind and body. First, the body. I chose to put myself through some repetitive motions by making a braid yesterday, and I learned just how much is too much. I also learned that the colors I used hit me with a positive vibe and that's why I did "too much." But now that I know, it's worthwhile for the future. In a one frame comic panel, I see myself in an overstuffed environment, surrounded completely by hand made braids, with a caption: "It's the only thing that really helps."

We are reading about Alexander the Great and the Hellenistic period for 2 weeks. At first, I thought, no problem. Now it appears to be a problem, and like all my classes at certain points, the alarm bells go off, the switches are thrown and I find myself in a small or large EF. I won't give specifics, other than he was considered to be the "greatest" military commander of ALL time.

What happened is that one thought led to another, from ancient history, to more recent history 52 years ago, and something my M did to me in puberty. Again, the details would absolutely be too much for me to write and for the forum guidelines, but let's just say, I had my moment of epiphany. I discussed this same thing with my T just last month, and we hashed it out. We agreed that it was unknowable, except in two ways. First something traumatic HAD to have happened to her to "make" her act this way, and second, that it was a form of control and intimidation. (gee Mom, it worked!) I can't resist irony and sarcasm sometimes.

Anyway, what happened was I dreamed about it, Alexander, M and all my ignorant therapists were rolled into one. They sat across from me, fully clothed. I sat opposite, naked. Symbolism met reality.

Something has worked though, and it only took 20 minutes to get out of bed. I am OK and while not throwing my arms out at the day, I plan to get through it with balance and acceptance. For me, after years and years of confusion, having the final piece fall into place is "priceless" and the key for moving on.

Your dream...shudder...that sounds awful!!!

But your comic strip...that is hilarious. And weird. You'd have niche audience. 😁

Well, great! I'm glad to know I have an audience. I'm a fan of the Far Side, so I think it belongs there. The dream didn't "throw" me like it could have.

Sept 16

Something strange and cool happened today. And I'm going to use real names. I finished my braid in the shade at school and walked out to my car. On the curb was a young man (45ish) who was sitting smoking. He greeted me and I said, "just a minute" as I put my stuff away. He was wearing a staff name tag, so I sat down on the curb too and we talked for a bit.

I asked to see his name tag, and he took it off and handed it to me. It was "David_______." I immediately said, "King David" although don't know why. He stood up, pulled up his shirts, I saw his naked self and on the right side of his chest was a huge tattoo in script lettering.

KING DAVID!

OMG.    :stars:    OK, so the most shocking thing were those seconds when I watched the shirt go up. Seeing the white band of his undies, peeking out above the elastic gray band of his pants, seeing that smooth brown skin as it went up, up, up. Finally, reading the tattoo. All I could think about was when Barry pulled up HIS shirt pretending to take it off, because I commented that I liked the color.

This happened about 7 minutes into the conversation. I guess when it comes to strange men, they can't help themselves.  :bigwink: Or is it me?

Oh nuts! Still getting all A's.   

Warning: Drama Queen Post:  :dramaqueen:  Moaning Groaning Post (with no redeeming value)

Having a bit of strangeness this evening. Tried to concentrate on school assignments, but distracted by a sinking feeling. The fellow student who likes to spar with me, left a "helpful" post in response to a moot comment. I treated it with respect anyway, assuming a slightly submissive ingratiating stance. I didn't need to take the bait. Sorta disappointed in myself.

Although I thought it was hilarious at the time it happened, I began to think about this chest baring episode. Now I'm feeling uneasy. Not sure what to make of it. I keep thinking it happened so quickly, within 30 seconds, what if......I couldn't react to a real threat? It seems like it happened in slow motion. I guess it bothered me after all.

I'm not sure if it's me, or my brain, or my expectations or my non SSRI life, but everything seems to be a HUGE effort, I get this way sometimes, then it passes.

My body is attacking me in small ways. I don't wanna admit a bunch of things, but the primary one is autoimmune stuff. I already know I have blood markers for proteins which are affiliated with hearing loss. For the past decade, my body is ever so slowly telling me it's allergic to foods. I finally figured it out several years ago and drastically limited my diet. Now it's becoming a real trial. I get hives which last 10 days. Itchy, red, hot, painful, sleep interrupting, the whole shebang. More and more, every couple days, neck, arms, stomach, legs. Grrrrrrr.

This week, it's been chocolate. Solid or semi-solid, like frosting. Fortunately no custard, yet! Nor cakes or muffins. 
Last month it was mayonnaise and lime pie. I don't even KNOW enough swear words to express frustration, even if I could!

Roseanne Rosannadanna, says: "it's always something."

Congratulations on your hard-earned A's! As long as you know deep down your worth isn't dependent on your smarts then it's all good!

Omg what is it with you and men pulling their shirts off!?  :aaauuugh: and what a trip about King David! I like that you are so open to interactions with people.

I wonder if there's another way to view your response to the bait from your classmate that perhaps you were standing strong and defending your comment/posting in a way that would help him see and hear you; sometimes that requires us to shift how we engage to get others to be able to listen.

Bee, the hives sound miserable and like stress is getting in there and causing havoc. I think it was your advice to San...and me too....to let expectations on yourself go to make some time for yourself. I hope you can do that. 

Thank you for the reminder about hives, I forgot stress is also and element. It makes perfect sense too.

Could you write a little more about the engagement with my classmate? Not sure I "get" it.

Not a clue as to why this unsolicited nakedness keeps happening-maybe it's when I wear my hair in braids? Anyway, I appreciate your comment about being open to interactions because that is the crux of the matter. By the way, I asked him to guess my age and he came pretty darn close. He said 71, which is a little over, but within the range. I was impressed.

Deep down, I know my worth isn't dependent on smarts. It comes down to the same reason I used to do puzzles, and "challenge" myself before I really believed I didn't have early Alzheimer's. It's a way to keep me cognitively in shape, by forcing me to think in ways I normally don't. I had a breakthrough last night about current stuff, which is very triggering to me, and I believe this is the last history class "Ima gonna do! "  Amen!

Braids are pretty cute! Definite "come hither" vibe.  ;D

I hope I didn't come across as dismissive of the underlying reasons for the hives. I didn't mean it in a "it's just stress" or "all in your head" kind of way. Just more that our immune system seems to get fired up in response to stress and then starts in on the allergy and autoimmune stuff.

The hives are real and not your fault and it sucks to see this growing list of things your body is now treating as an enemy. My heart and sympathy truly go out to you. My body decided cold temperatures are a foreign invader back when i was 15 and under traumatic stress. I've had a lifelong deadly anaphylactic allergy to cold temperatures since then. It's real, not in my head, can't be cured by reducing my stress now, but probably started in the first place from that traumatic stress. 

I guess it is a little hard to say more about the classmate issue not knowing more details and just conjecturing on my part.

But what I read from you made me think that he challenged something you said and you responded, but a bit more ingratiating and submissive than you would have preferred. You could have 1. not responded 2. Responded and held your position firmly and with confidence or 3. Responded and held your position but with the doubt and caveats and fawning we women sometimes feel we have to do to make our voice palatable.

Maybe it was something important that you wanted him to hear and get. If you didn't respond he wouldn't have a chance to hear that. Maybe by responding the way you did, you were trying to get him to hear your point and take it in and sometimes we have to change how we speak or write to get people to be receptive to hearing us. I wish that weren't true. But just because you were a bit submissive in your response doesn't mean you weren't being strong and assertive in a way.

This may still not make sense and I may just be completely misreading between the lines. You can ignore this all!

Quote from: BeeKeeper on September 17, 2021, 10:15:23 AM
I had a breakthrough last night about current stuff, which is very triggering to me, and I believe this is the last history class "Ima gonna do! "  Amen!

Hugs to this Bee. Get lots of rest if this class is triggering, and if you need to, it's ok (right?) to drop it.

Thank you Armee for taking/making the time to write and explain. I've got it. The way forward is to not respond, I see that very clearly. That was an option I identified before I did it. And taking it even further, I can reduce these times by not posting certain things. It has nothing to do with being heard, per se, but more with old habits of shame.

I never interpreted your thoughts as "just" anything. But I can relate to the cold stuff. I have Raynaud's as well, and in bad times, my fingers and toes turn white during 80 degree weather.

This online class has changed the way I write, period. And so I'm spending more time bypassing casual comments, humor or strident opinion. Sometimes I have to wait days to let a reaction pass, before I can think objectively or post neutrally.  Last night, things clicked into place, which allowed me to finish an assignment this morning and believe I hit the target. Dropping the class is something I think about almost every day. I certainly can do that, or even disappear for a while. No repercussions financially or otherwise.

I appreciate your attention on my issues and problems. It helps to read your thoughts.  :hug:

Hi BeeKeeper,
I've appreciated you sharing your experiences on the online courses.  I also want to wish you the best with the one you're doing at the moment, as I can see it's got some challenging elements to it.  But you've completed that assignment this morning, and that's fantastic :cheer:  I love the fact that you recognise all your choices in stuff, and know you can choose.  That's freeing.
Hope  :)

Thanks for the good wishes Hope and the acknowledgement of choices. I am finding ways to get my points across in responses to other peoples' posts, and that is probably the best choice of all.

Sept 18

My chef came over to my table intentionally to greet me today. He's so sweet.

I saw my campus police guy today too, but it was short, because I made it that way. Feeling a little out of sorts, so wasn't feeling a social vibe today.

Yesterday I allowed myself a long period of rest and withdrawal from the world. I'm not even going to get upset with myself, but accept it as part of the way I cope when I don't realize consciously I'm burdened. Later I did realize what those burdens were.

During my chat with David yesterday I showed him my current "walking stick" (cane) which I'm using to close my car door now. My left shoulder is in bad shape and I'm doing things daily to lessen the stress I put on it. I launched into a totally unnecessary story of how I came to use canes in the first place, and although I put a humorous spin on it, Just talking about it was upsetting to the point of  :'( There are some vague similarities to my worsening physical/mental condition since March 2020, and that settled right down into a dense feeling which I couldn't shake.

To liven things up, I changed my avatar in my Blackboard settings removing a shot of myself outside on a fateful day, August 8, when I visited the former fire site. I decided I didn't want to look at that anymore, and replaced it with a happy photo of myself and oldest granddaughter last year on my B day. We are different races. She's gorgeous and continues to be even more so every day! We follow each other on IG. I thought it was symbolic too because she is the only one, besides me, going to college and following a path at the moment.

I bought some serger thread to work on some cheap polyester I bought from WalMart. I looked up the cost of my favorite magnetic caps for the braids. I went grocery shopping, even though I didn't want to. As a consequence I ate a balanced dinner, not cereal and cookies.  :yes: The clean up remains on the counter from the past 3 days.  :thumbdown:

In summary, I've pushed myself through school work, so I could stay home for the next 3 days. I don't want to go out for any reason. Just catch up on needle and threads.

The clean up remains on the counter from the past 3 days.  :thumbdown:

Given how you've been feeling physically and emotionally I'm not buying the  :thumbdown:

I'm gonna give you several thumbs up for letting the unimportant stuff wait.  :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

:hug:

 :grouphug:

It feels heavy today?

September 22

An early afternoon appointment with my Nurse Practitioner subscriber will determine if and how I resume the SSRI. I've noticed a space & time between intention and preparation for desired goals/tasks and the actual execution date. Everybody experiences this. Maybe I didn't notice before but now that space is longer, and bigger. Still, I'm inching ahead by doing a portion of the intended goal, instead of the whole thing. That's working right now. The other issue about stopping or starting is noticeable short term memory absence.

Yesterday I got 5 inches cut off my hair. I never let it get long enough so it caught in my armpits, but this time, it did. That sensation was unacceptable. So now, its just below my shoulder, straightened and curled with my Conair brush/comb. More important than my hair status, is seeing my stylist again. We've been together 5 years.

A slightly pessimistic mood has lasted for 5 days now. It is not accompanied by paralysis, but rather resumption of normal activities. Today, I'll finish up my coursework, until the next unit drops on Monday. My professor and I have had contact via Zoom and e-mail this week; when he gets too busy, he neglects details which allow students to access our assignments on Blackboard. I was halfway successful on Day 1 but it took another day for me to get my point across completely and him to "find the problem." From that experience, I've now discovered how to handle future glitches with him. A plus.

I've attempted to normalize my contact with Barry. If I'm outside and I pass him in my vehicle, I will wave in response, but not initiate.  I haven't encountered him inside again, but if I do, even if I'm hearing, I'm going to not engage, except a minimal recognition. I decided my stance of inaccessibility only makes him try harder.

The current unit is on the Hellenistic period, philosophers and sculptors. It has been the best so far, and really caused me to think about issues, point by point. Thankfully, that faculty is still intact. I still experience raw fear when I'm first confronted with new things and it takes me 3-4 days to work through it.

Update: Will continue with a low, sub-clinical dose of my SSRI, once every 3 days.  All school work is done for the week, and now I can attend a Friday's Supreme Court Law review on Friday. It's  uplifting and inspiring. This is the second year I've done it, and live captioned besides.

To my readers: until I get a handle on my "pessimism", please don't comment or leave emoticons. Thank you for the understanding.

September 23

My prescriber suggested a product for SAD (Seasonal affective disorder) to maintain gains which I've experienced since being on the SSRI and said she recommends her patients start is in Sept-Oct before winter darkness becomes the norm.

On Amazon, itshttps://www.amazon.com/Verilux-HappyLight-Adjustable-Brightness-Controls/dp/B07J6PTZ3Y/ref=sr_1_3_sspa?crid=2V6OXGY0N9SGD&dchild=1&keywords=verilux+happy+light&qid=1632395214&sprefix=Verilux+ha%2Caps%2C195&sr=8-3-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEyQUlVVFRPMVk3R09aJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwMzAwNDU3MkdEWldaNUU1QzJYWCZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUEwMjEwNDMwMzZDSjU5SjNPQllPRSZ3aWRnZXROYW1lPXNwX2F0ZiZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU= (https://www.amazon.com/Verilux-HappyLight-Adjustable-Brightness-Controls/dp/B07J6PTZ3Y/ref=sr_1_3_sspa?crid=2V6OXGY0N9SGD&dchild=1&keywords=verilux+happy+light&qid=1632395214&sprefix=Verilux+ha%2Caps%2C195&sr=8-3-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEyQUlVVFRPMVk3R09aJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwMzAwNDU3MkdEWldaNUU1QzJYWCZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUEwMjEwNDMwMzZDSjU5SjNPQllPRSZ3aWRnZXROYW1lPXNwX2F0ZiZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU=)

Yesterday before our video session, I made brief notes, and she got it exactly right in the electronic record. She's the only provider I have that still does that. Others just use a template and call it a day.

I came across this last night, and although it is yet another white guy giving advice, some of it may be useful. Chris Loper is the website founder. https://becomingbetter.org/ (https://becomingbetter.org/)

This next site may already be cited by Kizzie or someone here on the forum. I found this in the last couple days as well. Complex Trauma. org-founded by Joseph Spinazzola , Ph.D. the Foundation Trust in Massachusetts. A LOT of trauma recovery people are in MA! https://www.complextrauma.org/ (https://www.complextrauma.org/)

One thought this AM: "The best way to change your thoughts and emotions is to change your actions." I'll give it a try and see-this comes from Loper I think, but needs testing out. 

September 24

Thursday, I resumed my SSRI, with the target of taking 10 mg every 3-4 days. I ordered a light from Amazon, a hinged model with 2 screens, different ways to stand up on a surface. If it lives up the hype, well, it's a cheap "fix."

My college's Wi-Fi network decided I was unauthorized yesterday, which caused me major problems. Today, I met with a new IT guy, and for now, connection is resolved, but cloud issues persist. Bummer! At least I now know the magic trick: A LONG press to bring up the password screen.

On a long walk I had enlightenment about the way ahead-regarding life, my place in the universe etc. The thought door opened after reading about lasting natural disasters as a kind of trauma. Intellectually, I knew that, but the impact hit my brain and heart  all at once. So, I'm treating it like a "transition" or come back after a life crisis-re-invention, re-imagining and re-everything. What I do, where I invest my time, how to disengage from current time investments, the whole 9 yards.

While we endure all the false advertising of the "back to"...activities (like the Good Morning America ad) it's crucial to think about where I'm headed. Is it going to be "back" or "forward" into new uncomfortable territory? Should I enlist guides? and if so, who? Authors are good, no need to worry about lip reading or masks. Internet relationships a bit more tricky. How much is too much, or too little?

I've been in a defensive, protective, pessimistic mood for a week now. I can see it starting to shift, but I'm not out of it completely yet.

September 25

Today I'm trying an alternate schedule; homework first, not last. Clean kitchen first, not last. So far, so good. Still feeling a gray blanket mood, but attempting to test whether actions DO influence emotions. Not yet, but maybe I need to practice more. Curiously, I found an article online about taking my SSRI every three days, and it's from a reputable journal, and the answer is yes, it does help to maintain. I say "curious" because I came up with the idea on my own. The problem is it takes 4 weeks of daily dosing to get that to that sufficient maintenance level.

Last night I had a lesser version of the "lost dream" this time it involved not some far away location, but one place, where 3 people were, and it was like a maze trying to find my way through. The ending this time was different too, because one of my "rescuers" appeared, albeit briefly. I can see things changing ever so slightly. That probably is due to the gigantic effort I'm making each day to observe and counter my irrational thoughts.

September 26

Inching closer to feeling more in control. I may be going through the first stages of integration, surprisingly through dreams. They are getting more and more lucid, and I've been able to say and think things in dreams which are very conscious. This is hopeful to me. I woke up at 3 AM, stayed up for an hour and worked through a (current) longstanding problem that was blocking all sorts of energy.

Even with the 3AM waking, I was not disturbed, because I decided when I went the without SSRI, I was going to sleep when I wanted to and not push myself into a 14 hour day. Consequently, I have "bite sized" rest periods, usually starting between 6 and 8 PM, and then again not too much later. Somehow this helps, and I can tell by my mood that something's working. This is the second day of my new 3rd day regimen going "back on" my itty bitty SSRI dose.

As the days as have gone on, I see and hear myself laughing at various things; a line from a movie, a phrase from a scholarly book, a post from a classmate, whatever. I"m on the lookout for irony and there seems to be plenty in places I'd never expect. Maybe it will carry over also into not taking myself so seriously. That would be the ultimate!

September 27

The bad news: I smashed my foot into the metal leg of the bed frame and broke something. Immediate pain off the scale. If I'm lucky, it's only one bone. If I'm not, then more. Osteoporosis helped this become a crisis. Elevation, ice and bruises up my foot tell a familiar story. I've done this before, but not with these details. My shoulders are killing me but cancelled all future rehab because I can't drive. Or get to the X ray machine for days.

The good news: I now live in a place where there's a "service coordinator" on site, and she is helping by lending me knee walker, unfortunately missing some parts. Still, can work around temporarily by using various saved leftover parts. I have 535 sq feet, formerly the pits, but now delightful!  There are helpful people in my building willing to take me to the x ray machine this week. I have a strong internet connection, food for 10 days,  enough SSRI for a couple weeks, my new Happy Light and I saved a cheap plastic seat for the shower.

Update:

After multiple icings, elevation virtually all day long, healing is starting to happen. I can "hobble" which is terrific progress. The bruising is getting darker, which means internally blood, tissues are starting to settle.  I was unsuccessful in replacing the missing parts with anything resembling a safe, solid fix. I asked for assistance from maintenance, and unbelievably he did a fantastic job. Not that I thought it was beyond his capabilities, but he tends to be brusque and stingy with interactions. I'm all set now, thanks to him. I'm starting to think maybe my life has not tanked after all,

September 28

The life giving mysterious powers that "Bee" are allowing me some healing! This morning, the primary focus is on my right foot, which looks worse with bruising, but feels better overall, and I can slowly, cautiously put weight on it and W-A-L-K. For that reason, I'm hopeful of taking myself to Urgent Care and will reserve my space at 8 AM. So, so, incredibly relieved.

Life is looking a bit brighter. My new therapy lamp is on and what a great device. It's output is on maximum, and I just turned it back on after 30 minutes. I've managed to take a shower, get dressed and put on one shoe.

Update:

Thanks to life in a civilized country, access to health care and the ability to qualify for services, I found out after a 2 hour effort, yes, Virginia, I DO have a bone fracture in my right foot. Not the toe itself but a bone that supports it further up the foot.

A fantastic group of ladies took care of me, from the intake desk person to the X ray tech, nurse and PA. Fitted with a nice new shoe with lengthy Velcro strips, a referral to an Ortho clinic only 15 miles away, life is looking better than it has been.

September 29

OK readers, I'm walking back the requested "no comment, no emoticon" from a while ago to ask for text only.  An explanation about "hugs," follows.

On a past Sunday, I posted something I called September blues. It was revisiting a combination of places, people and cats. And it took me to feelings which I hadn't endured for a while. A member posted a group hug and a short message confirming I felt heavy. Unexpectedly, those two things set me off and I deleted that post. What happened was this:

TRIGGER WARNING PHYSICAL ABUSE: One of the main tools my M employed was actual physical hugs, which were intrusive and actually, from my point of view, physical assault. That may be a bit strong, but consider being continually being hit with hands, wooden spoons, wooden yardsticks, bristle side of nylon hairbrushes, on bare skin,only bare skin,  over and over again. Hours later, this same person would come up and force their body against mine in an "affectionate" embrace. I'm sorry, no. I wasn't able to say or do the "no" so had to endure the hugs, and ever since then, my hugs are selective and reserved for "safe" people. So any hint of a hug is problematic. Even those silly emoticons. In fact, all emoticons seem to reveal a current anger now. Objectively emoticons are good shortcuts, but my baby boomer self has gone retro and prefers not to use them. On the plus side, a small victory, I was able to stop my M's assaults at age 16, with my bare hands, on her arms to prevent her follow through. She didn't hit me again.

I had an aunt who was the black sheep and continually made a mess of her life and others lives. She would say to me, in the midst of my crippling depressive times, "that bad, huh?"  Being minimized by clueless remarks grated against me. I perceived the confirmation of "feels heavy" remark as a variation of that bad, huh? * YES. that bad. But I know it was not intended that way, and I realize one of the risks of posting here is having these things happen.

I've managed to regain some balance, but then, disaster. I lost my balance and now messed up my life. Thankfully, it is not fatal, terminal and will "only" last a couple months, but the extra effort I have to take to do that seems a bit like wearing a 50 pound backpack on impaired shoulders.

So, enough with catching up on the preface.

I'm hoping the 10 mg of SSRI helps neutralize the anger I've felt since last night. I've gotten quite a boost from other posts here today, specifically JamesG1, Papa Coco, Pippi and stilltrying. If you haven't already read the guest blogger post by Papa Coca which Kizzie left in the intro boxed portion of the site, it's worth your time. It's like a cPTSD primer 101 for those unacquainted and just makes me feel warm and fuzzy that others are boldly telling the story.

I did something I regret last week, which is to lend two beaded objects to my professor in order to talk about Greek math and geometry. I asked beforehand and he seemed enthusiastic. I left them in a box inside a padded bag on his doorknob a week ago. The bag was no longer there, and I am assuming they are in his possession, but not certain. Instead of going on and on about all the various thoughts, I've already devised a neutral way to reclaim, and now being unable to get them in person, it all feels within acceptable solutions. Even if I have to take a loss, and they are never returned, I accepted that possibility when I sent them into the world. However, regarding life, (JamesG1 says) we are creating new, not returning to the old.

He obviously did not respond whatsoever. I recognize this person is filling a role I've created, and one which unfortunately I used many years ago, without total resolution. I don't want to say any more than that, but I know I have to deal head on with reality. I've done most other relational work, except this holdout. You could even switch people and it wouldn't make any difference. It's the function that's the problem.

Bee, I appreciate your reflection about this and providing your readers with information about what may be supportive.  I have been keeping up with your journal and appreciate the updates you've been sharing.

bee, thank you so much for the explanation about what is ok and what is not to receive on this forum.  i can see how a hug could be maybe even re-traumatizing for you.  what an awful thing to have to endure something that could otherwise be so comforting, caring, and just a feel-good action.  if sending love your way is too much, please let me know.  otherwise, i would like to send some as a caring gesture. you deserve care.

Thank you  rainy and san.  It felt risky typing those explanations, and wasn't ready before now, but glad I did. I hate to leave things hanging.
I'm open to having love sent my way san. I appreciate it and feel it is comforting.

Update:

I've done it. I've withdrawn from my course (for now) and received an explanation about lack of receipt. (out of town) Since I've already thought about my solution, easy-peasy to implement. Hello BRAIN! Patting on back and cheering for myself.

Again, if you haven't done so, please look at https://www.outofthestorm.website/guest-bloggers (https://www.outofthestorm.website/guest-bloggers)

Bee, what you say resonates with me.  It is difficult and risky to put some things out there.  For me it is often difficult because I was socialized to "fit in" and "make nice" and any boundaries I tried to set were often not received well.  Things that others may feel are easy or take for granted aren't that way for me. We are allowed to take up space.  I hope you continue to find what feels supportive to you. 

rainy,

Yes, difficult and risky, and you never know how it will be received. Even if you're "right", "healthy" warranted in your boundaries or whatever, there's going to be someone, somewhere who receives it the wrong way. This especially applies to your work situation, which I've been reading about. After enduring a lifetime of invalidation from family, then to go out into employment and other situations attempting to say, I'm important, yes, this matters is anxiety provoking and difficult.

When I received a specialized phone as an accommodation to use at work, my boss outright mocked me and said it looked like a Mickey Mouse phone. Naturally, I had to laugh and agree. These things erode our sense of self and chip away at our core. I haven't been tracking your time, but it's probably not that long until the end. Thanks for mentioning that part which held me back.

September 30!?!

We've already passed the autumn equinox 7 days. Crisp weather is here. A flurry of e-mails yesterday to withdraw and to get temporary assistance from college. The unique thing about this place is that there's a big initiative to take care of students. Maybe because it's part of a state university network, not sure. I qualified for a bag of canned/boxed food and my disability coordinator is bringing it by this afternoon. My beads are safe indefinitely until I am well enough to retrieve them. All those pre-existing relationships now come in handy. People are willing to accommodate me.

Looks like I am deconstructing a earring I tried to make weeks ago. When confronted with new patterns, I struggle. It's too far off the mark to continue and last night, decided to order a bunch of magnetic end caps to continue making "auto-pilot" braids. Much easier.

My brain hasn't engaged 100% with my new reality yet, since I iced my foot yesterday without a sock on. I couldn't figure out why it was SO painful, yet 5 hours later, uh-hunh.  I forgave myself and vowed to establish some kind of routine. As is, my bed is "command center" and now I have to think about every little journey from point A to point B. Not surprisingly I had dreams about school, which fit right in with withdrawal. I've been thinking a lot about my successful college days late 80's to early 90's where I was an adult student "mascot" having close supportive kind relationships with staff, getting oodles of money from grants and scholarships and in general, aside from the grueling academics, having the safest time in my life. No outside drama, besides child-rearing of course, and 3.98 grade average. Ah nostalgia, hard to beat for warm and fuzzies. I saved some non-scientific work for decades and I still have some photo submissions. My eyes eventually gave way with various things which prevented me from pursuing my first choice.

Speaking of bodies: small observational rant- using a knee scooter is not at all "fun" for a person with fibro. In fact, as the PA was pressing on my entire leg, starting from my knee on Tuesday, the bone immediately adjacent felt painful and tender. I winced. Hmmm, what's that? Well it took about 24 hours for me to figure out, Oh, yeah, since I'm putting my full weight on my right knee, shin, etc. of course it's gonna feel like that. My scoliosis pain is tripled, everything is out of alignment. I noticed all these kinds of things 13 years ago,when it was my left foot that was messed up. In summary, very, very determined to keep elevating, icing (with my freaking sock) and making as few hobbling trips as possible. My recovery time should be shortened, as well as whatever residual scar tissue forming life long.

Overall the anger has dissipated, and I'm feeling on the edge of happy/hopeful. Going to another other appointment today so there will be an update later. I thank my readers for their patience and compassion with my various complaints. I know this is small potatoes in the realm of everything.

hey, bee,

one thing i've learned from others here is that there are no 'small potatoes'.  every potato is valid, significant, and worth paying attention to. after all, they are parts of our big picture.  the struggles you're having because of your foot deserve attention, and i thank you for sharing them so that i can at least send support, caring, and love.  if you like flowers, i'd also like to send you a 'feel better soon' bouquet of daisies, yellow asters, and golden mums, just to bring a little sunshine to your day.  if none of those agree with you, then a bouquet of your choice.  enjoy! 

Hi, Bee.  I too very much appreciated your explanation about the hugs, and as a child who received almost no physical contact that wasn’t in some way abusive or manipulative, I can very well understand your perspective.  At this point in my life, I love real-life hugs when they’re mutually comfortable and wanted, and coming from someone I trust, but I can identify with hugs not being safe.  Hugs are complicated.  They’re so intimate, so good when they’re right, so psyche-shattering when they’re not.  In fact, I suppose I like the hug emoticons because to me they’ve come to represent the sentiment inherent in a loving, mutually wanted, non-abusive hug, and because something that always feels extremely dangerous to me is verbally expressing  feelings, especially towards others, especially in writing.  So I tend to use hug emoticons, as you say, as a short cut, to stand in for “I’m here, I care, I have thoughts and feelings about what you’re saying” when I cannot muster the energy it takes find words that feel safe.  It doesn’t always feel safe to offer even an emoticon, which is why I respond so infrequently in general.  Anyway, not meaning to make this about me, just wanted you to know that I’m here and I care and I’m reading, and that I’m sorry if I’ve ever caused you distress with an ill-timed hug. *insert feeling of caring and support here in lieu of emoticons*

When I started hanging out on OOTS, I share the sentiment that hugs, even emoticons, were more than a bit edgy for me. This stems as well from a background of all touch being problematic to destructive in my early years. I was of the opinion that if I couldn't verbalize it adequately, I couldn't add any oomph just by a symbol.

Over time, I've come to see that while physical hugs in person are still extremely awkward to me, when writing it can be useful to add a token of appreciation and support for the other person. It still felt uncomfortable, a bit, but on the other hand I knew how even a little boost to someone's day might be appropriate. So I altered this somewhat.

Physical hugs might cause me to disappear or back off, which surprises many but keeps my safety zone intact. Online, that approach can vary, unless someone speaks up about it, as you have, Beekeeper/BeHeal1hy. For me, I admire and respect your honesty in making your overall discomfort known. Thank you.

Just one question -- are there any other emoticons that bother you in the same way? Just throw any into the mix, and (speaking only for myself) will seek to not include those in any future ruminations. 

I never imagined that people would truly care, so I'm a bit surprised by the responses. Not a problem, everything is clear and said well.

sanmagic-yes bouquets are nicer than hugs-less personal, and beautiful too. I'll take whatever you like. Thank you.

bach: I totally understand the emoticon shortcut for "I can't muster the energy of words." Since I am attuned to using written words as an adaptation for other spoken avenues, now closed to me, I don't forget per se, but I guess it's on the opposite side of my experience. That point is good for me to remember, and one which I'm going to think about more. Up until Sunday the 19th, no emoticon hug ever bothered me. I guess it was the combination of hug, comment along with my negative state of mind that allowed that to bloom into a reaction. Love your last sentence, very cute and appreciated.

woodsgnome: you and I share the same thoughts about verbalizing it adequately. And I agree when I'm feeling happy, cheerful and all that, I too have used them. Just look back (not really!) and see my posts peppered with them. I guess this opened a bit of Pandora's box, and has brought  what we all assumed about emoticons and each other out in the open. I never dreamed it would result in this, but glad it did anyway. I'm good with everything but hugs. Also I appreciate you all caring, san, bach, woodsgnome , rainy, as well as those who just read.  Caring is the subject of my next paragraph.

So, met my T this AM and revealed an experience with a resident who treated me in the early days of my misdiagnoses. I related that, in specific ways to recent relationship dysfunction which is still ongoing. She pointed out that my initial reactions to normal caring, were so foreign and strange to me, I had very few ways of understanding it. Since I walk around thinking I am undeserving, of even courtesy and kindness that when someone reaches out and shares this with me, I freak out! She suggested that I reframe to see that my freak out is a temporary state of disbelief of my worth, that I put all reactions on hold, and wait until the feeling subsides, then come into a neutral clearing to assess whether this is authentic, trustworthy, etc. She likened my reaction to a bump in the road, which has the power to throw me off balance temporarily. Hmmmmm. So, wow. I thought I was way "beyond" all that, but it turns out to be alive and well. I'm not discouraged though, because it makes sense to me in the context of everything I'm thinking and reading. I'm daring to believe that people will treat me well on general principles.

I met with a very cheerful, kind Physician's Assistant today who set me straight on all my recovery plans. Turns out I like his better anyway. Elevation is no longer required, my fracture is "stable" and I have a $165 boot for free. Remember all those times I said I couldn't leave this area because all my medical care was covered? Case in point. Experiencing that fogginess today with short term memory, but noticed a long green bug on the outside of the brick building exterior. I took a little photo, and even showed it to the PA- which started a bug conversation. It's so pleasant to have people who are socially intelligent. Maybe it's the suburbs, maybe it's me, but my interactions have gone much better lately.

happy to hear you've experienced some better interactions lately.  i hope that feels good for you.  keep taking care of you, ok?  it sounds like you found a medic who wants to take care of you, too, which is very nice.  sending love filled with healing vibes for your fracture.

Hi BeeKeeper,
I have been reading, and I care.  I am glad that you wrote about how emoticons affect you.  I always use the smiley face emoticon after my name, when I sign off, and it affects me - as it feels like a bit of an obsessional thing, and it sometimes feels incongruous to how I'm actually feeling - and regarding hugs, I have various feelings about them, which are also incongruous - it's as if different parts of myself feel different ways about it.  What I can see, and hear from what people have said in response to what you said, is that it's a complicated arena, and treading carefully doesn't necessarily help it.  But bearing it in mind, that does help.  I have no idea if what I just said makes sense.  I relate to what Bach said, about emoticons enabling something to be expressed, that maybe words can't muster up.  Anyway, just wanted to say something. 

I like the sound of your bug conversation. 

Hope  :)

Thanks for your thoughts Hope! It all makes sense to me and it's more validation and that truly helps. I've often wondered about your smiley face, so now I know. I posted the bug pic on Instagram and it was a HUGE hit, 5 likes! ...one is a guy in Scotland, an author and hill trekker, somehow we bonded and he loves my outside stuff.

October 1

Heck! Another month gone by? I'm sitting here in front of my light therapy lamp, and I love, love, love it. I no longer even set the timer for 30 minutes, since I always turn it back on afterward. It took my nurse provider to get me off the fence, as I'd been skeptical for years! Now that I'm a convert, I'll probably be insufferable about the joys of it. There are no better people to carry the message then the reformed.

Today, or soon, I expect my class withdrawal to result in the usual inaccessibility to Blackboard. I'll no longer be able to read classmate posts. To that end, I went in last night, and read the previous week's which unfathomably is still up. He's been inflexible about pulling all content once the unit closes. He's also failed to grade the last 4 posts I've made. It really doesn't matter, since he's told me verbally how he feels about my posts, so the numbers are fluffy feel good, but still, the hours spent!!! Anyway, I digressed. I read a post from a young man who talked about his being a combination of epicurean, stoic or skeptic. The first term refers generally to the adage, eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we may die. (This is a Greek, not solely Biblical concept) So, this kid wrote as much as I normally do, three times the required 250 words and it blew me away. Not only in the content but the vulnerability and his courage to let himself be known. It rivaled a OOTS forum post without the trauma details. Now I kinda regret withdrawal, but at least I saw it. Very, very touching and stands out as the best in years of course participation.

I liken the hyperactivity of thoughts to....."bees buzzing in my head!" And this is a longstanding metaphor, prior to Kizzie assigning my name here. I feel the hive is on the periphery, but hopefully will come up with a smokin' strategy because it's all about the LEAST amount of trips I make within my space. On day 6, my foot is looking really good, (bruising faint, toes taped, sock and shoe on, no pain) and I want that to be true 4, 8 and 12 hours from now. Feeling back to my former self.

Update:
I've managed to hold the line on my walking to and fro. My foot looks and feels the same as it did this morning. I've spend  time "chilling" in bed, but not a lot. I "did" my hair, as I watched the first episode of Grey's Anatomy. I treated myself to a new Paramount + monthly subscription to watch a show popular with old guys. Seeing familiar faces seemed to be the ticket today. Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I'm feeling better than I have. Perhaps it's the removal of all my striving, I just am going to take it slow and easy. Maybe it's the drawn out dosing, maybe it's the shorter days. Maybe I'm just getting better through all these recovery ideas seeping down through the "second layer of brain cells."

October 2

Whew, survived another night of semi-lucid dreaming, which in reality, I welcome. Old locations, new actors. I see it all for what it is, not too bad, and in one case, I took control. It's about darkness, the physical kind with no light. In my dream, I hear (HEAR!) multiple males standing around a door, getting ready to enter my house. I"m outside chasing my dog. So, I picked up a handful of pebbles from the ground, and flung it in the general direction of the voices, multiple times. And after the 3rd time, I couldn't hear anything, so I felt my way to the door and entered. It was still risky because I didn't know whether they were hiding inside. Turns out they weren't. Could this have anything to do with reading about a Helen Keller special on pbs/americanmasters? Yes, I think it might. I often think about what I would do if I lost more of my vision. No more beading or reading. GAH! So, each day I have my vision, I'm so very happy and grateful (although my posts don't reflect that)

I'm on FB for beading purposes, but only connecting to actual/real  "close friends" or relatives. On it possibly once a month, if that. One of the latter, a cousin, is a photographer, and we've met a couple times in the past 5 years. I didn't know him until late in life. Anyway, he is a partner in a gallery with others, and recently had a show. I took my sister, we both signed the guestbook, but I left no e-mail or phone. He reached out twice now to encourage more contact. So, I'm going to write him a note and see what happens. Kind of hopeful.

Yesterday I learned a little lesson and it was reinforced when I typed a reply to a post about compulsive shopping, My T asked me to tolerate feelings which caused me to pull out my hair. Just sit with it for a moment. Ooooooo I hated her for saying that, thinking she was totally clueless. If I could tolerate it I would!!!! Nope, that was just a defense. Anyway, I am doing better on the hair, reverted to a new strategy which is just feeling it, without concluding by pulling. The straighter it is, the better this works. One reason why I still use my hot comb.

Since my reduced walking, I noticed there are all kinds of things I now want to DO. Some require movement, some not. Most of it falls into "wanna or gonna." All of a sudden light flash. OMG, it's the same darn thing. The sneaky, sneaky feeling of striving, accomplishing, living my best productive life, pushing, pushing, pushing. Sure, I follow through sometimes, but more often I don't. And the don't part falls into all the steps I know I have take to arrive at the execution.

For instance: I wanna finish and hang my creamy yellow soft curtain panels. First off, finish serging the edges, then, fill the iron with water, measure and mark a side seam, use my Viking to sew an edge seam, measure and mark a casement, use my Viking to seam a top seam, ditto the bottom. Find curtain weights or order them. Insert and hand sew the remainder. Get out a stepped stool, climb up, insert 4 sections onto rod, adjust tension, push into place. So hello! I'm still on the first step. (Insert blah, blah, blah emoticon here)

This happens with nearly everything. I need to use my "cane" otherwise known as a very priced Leki walking stick, many years old. It has adjustable rotating plastic parts for changing the height. I've been using it in the car for pulling the door closed. Now I need it for balance. I have two notebooks in which I save user manuals, a fast perusal of both showed nothing, Instructions to that old style are not on the web. Dang it all. So one more notebook to look through, then struggling with trial and error. Through all this I need to tolerate my feelings of anxiety and fear.

So that's it on this subject. When I see something I want to make or do, I am practicing stepping back and assessing the actual follow through on the basis of similar things in reality. It can wait, I can say, well, no one is harmed or gonna die if I don't make or do this, so really, just focus on all those little things right under my nose, which I can do right at this moment, which will make a difference.

October 3

I'll keep this short so I don't get a reprimand for flooding the forum. Writing about those curtains spurred me to action and two panels are up (basting only) In other news, I didn't realize how much of a heavy ball and chain the coursework was to me, until I'm not doing it. My entire mood has changed, and I feel the light at the end of the tunnel is brighter every day. Good stuff.

funny how that works sometimes, not knowing what a burden we've been carrying until we unload it.  actually, i'm glad you realized that for yourself, bee.  keep up the good work.  sending love and a bouquet of bluebells and white baby's breath.

san, thanks for the bouquet!

It's lovely and right here on my desk! I missed a comment on Friday about the healing vibes for my fracture and finding a caring medic. Turns out he was telling me the truth, and although I couldn't believe my life would get better sooner rather than later, I'm so glad it has. The bruise on the top of my foot is quite interesting to watch. It's now moving across to the left and getting really deep purple. I've got my own slow-mo "painting" going on. All I can think is wow, my body really does a great job.

After some indulgence in the AM, I got up, mopped my bathroom floor, and cleaned out 3 cupboards in my kitchen. My collection of padded envelopes not able to be recycled are ready for the landfill. (sad face) My recycling is washed, sorted and in a reusable bag. The school books are in the closet, and my bookmarks are buried in a separate folder at the bottom. New October calendars are up. I'm reading a little of Stephen Porges and Jules Evans. I had a distressing thought about 2 hours ago, about my maternal grand parents, but decided not to pursue it. There's plenty in current life to pay attention to.

Public Service Announcement:
1. Dante has a new post on OOTS blog. Read it here https://www.outofthestorm.website/guest-bloggers (https://www.outofthestorm.website/guest-bloggers).  Thank you Dante for the time, effort and kind caring which motivated you.

2. For those who have access, the following will be shown tonight on PBS: a new season of Grantchester https://www.pbs.org/show/grantchester/ (https://www.pbs.org/show/grantchester/)

3. same as above, for Call the Midwife https://www.thirteen.org/blog-post/call-the-midwife-stream-new-season-10-season-9/ (https://www.thirteen.org/blog-post/call-the-midwife-stream-new-season-10-season-9/)

These links are for info only, you may live in a place where it's available, or you may not. 

Update: I just revisited one of my (Google) blogs started in 2011 and ended in 2014. Most pictures are intact. And I marvel at my sanity, only 7 years ago! I may periodically grab the shorter entries and paste them here. Seems like I was calmer back then, but then "spit" happens." I've written online over the years, starting with the now defunct Easy Journal and eventually gravitating to Google blogs (2).  Sometimes it's good to see where we came from and where we are now.

October 4

Call the Midwife has been part of my safe experiences for 9 years, going on 10 now. They deal with reality in a respectful way, and as a consequence, I feel safe. SAFE! That's my new favorite word. The same last night, which very strangely caused me to dream a powerful scenario in which arsonist H#1 and I were "together" and creating some condolence packages which consisted of small floral bouquets, notes, with calligraphy and strangely enough, he asked for my help. Nothing else of importance. Plenty of symbolism. Even in my dream, I called out his name, and some part of me was conscious that this was very, very unusual. I am surprisingly unaffected, so the earth has shifted on its axis.

It's drizzling here, but will still take my laundry to the cleaners. I've got my entire morning mapped out.

October 5

A funny thing happened on my store visit. I forgot the most "pressing/needed" item! My freaking coffee! Because the laundry was done same day, I decided to go back and get it. My cafe "person" walked by as I waited at the deli and expressed surprise. Maybe I'll wear a sign that says "I FORGOT" too.  ;)

Into Polyvagal theory now, with Stanley Rosenberg and Stephen Porges. My primary care physician happens to be a Dr of Osteopathy so I'm in good hands. Always have been with him. Light therapy in the AM is an uplift and habit. It surprised me! Dreams are ramping up and showing me areas of attention. I'm spending $$ at last on necessities as well as gifts for grandkids, I was quite focused on saving for the car. Decided it has to be balanced with every day life.

Hi BeeKeeper,
When you described your other day as being such that your 'entire morning' was 'mapped out' - I was impressed, and somehow it inspired me to map out my own time for some of the morning too.  So I just wanted to say that you helped me with your words, and I thank you for that.  I enjoy reading your journal, and I thought it's great that your dreams have been showing you 'areas of attention' and that sounds useful.  I find that I welcome my own dreams more than in the past, as the content is less frightening than it used to be, and I can search for meaning in it.

I also think it's great that you have a primary care physician that you value, that is really positive.

Hope  :)

Tiptoeing in to say hi and to leave a small vase of my favorite flowers...yellow ranunculas.

I'm happy that light therapy is helping you feel good.

Hope, I'm glad that one phrase nudged you to try it yourself. I got a lot done, some things couldn't wait. Yesterday, I never even got dressed!

Armee, thanks for the yellow ranunculas, I know exactly what they are! Those flowers are abundant!

October 6

Fascinating dream time. It helps if I read about lucid dreaming just before I turn out the light. There's been a shift in my dream behavior. I still dream about threats, but now I can either take action or walk on by. Walk, not run. Content that used to appall me no longer does, now I'm curious instead. A lot of stuff from my early teen years popping up. That's when everything went wrong.

Is 16 years too long to use a mattress pad? Yes, I ordered a new one.  I'm redoing my kitchen by purging the frig, culling containers, placing items more conveniently, pre-washing fruits, cutting up bulk produce then repacking. Cleaning out drawers. It's really small, yet seems like there's still another task waiting. There are leftover habits I need to throw out. It's just me now. How many pans and dishes do I really need?

such a life change, bee, cleaning out the kitchen.  how much of a metaphor is that?  you sound strong, and determined, and i'm glad for you for that.  sending love and  a rainbow of gladioli.

Spring cleaning! Paring down would feel good. Way to go!

I'm really intrigued by your lucid dreaming and how it has allowed you some control over how you react to the content. 

Thank you Armee, "spring cleaning" not just seasonal!

October 7

Eureka! Great things happening-a fantastic session with my T, and in it, she did two things. First, she's putting out a new message for me now: Look at and correct self-judgment. Second, she teased me. These are monumental since we are finally moving past the "acceptance" message which lasted almost 5 years. This is the second session in which she's called attention to my blind spot and I truly am blind to it. (Sigh)

She responded at a remark I made about impatience with this "whole recovery thing" and how I still wished I could "get it over with." I can't remember her exact words, but I think it contained some mild sarcasm. When I first read it (all my sessions are captioned) I was confused. My first thought was, Wow, she's teasing me, the second thought, maybe I'd better confirm. Yup, I was right. What's so great about this is that we've reached a point where she feels I can handle it, and also she feels comfortable in doing it. That is reflected in the last couple months of me being more vulnerable and open with her, so it's all good!

I spoke about my lucid dreaming progress in which I no longer feel threatened as I did before and people that normally sent me "into a tailspin" are now shrugged off. Truly things which I never expected. Even so, I'm leery of delving into all the mechanics and techniques of it more, since I'm satisfied with the current result. My main focus is on turning my perception of time passing into ordinary life vs pandemic life.

Catching up on all kinds of mending here; clothes and slipcovers. Limited ambulation does that....

Interesting observation about taking 5+ years en route to finding much self-acceptance. Yep -- it's taken me that long, if not longer. My T offers the same as is far mor patient with me than I am with myself.

Interesting, also, that I just read this entry about 1/2 hour before my T session today. And I've been very down lately -- precisely because of the impatient tone you referred to. I feel like I have progressed in certain areas yet so many part seem so far away from ever finding where I (or my inner critic) it seems I should be. Guess there is no 'seems' at all -- plus it's still the same territory. Which is  :stars: If only I could grab one of those stars. Just one, just once. Even in a very blue moon (blue moons are on my mind lots these days, and of course, nights too)

Kudos for your session, BeHea1thy. May this be a good turn in your journey.

starting off:

san, thanks for the gladioli and the kitchen clean cheer-I did see it, then forgot to acknowledge. I'm working on improving memory.

woodsgnome, I've missed you! thanks for stopping by and sharing your feelings. I think we need to give ourselves credit for pushing through the resistance and staying the course, even though getting there took what we consider a long time.  The destination is as worthy as the journey. (I made that up just now!) So, now with those new skills, we can approach the next phase, if you can call it that. Thanks for calling me BeHea1thy, I miss that.

Sage/Cactus Flower our music discussion did a lot for me, and I appreciate the new thread! I grinned when I saw it.

October 8

I discovered a new book which has me feeling excited, warm and fuzzy. It is Julia Galef's The Scout Mindset. In it she makes a case for adjusting our attitudes to reality, not what we prefer to see as reality. In short, the ability to admit when we are wrong and give up our "rightness." I like it because my ability to make decisions is impacted by my current mindset. all too often willing to gloss over facts I'd rather not pay attention to. Case in point, "Barry" from this summer. On the very first meeting, he told me outright that he'd been separated from his wife for 20 years. (!!!!!!) So, in my little universe, I interpreted that as weird, strange, off the charts in left field, but the bottom line was "stability" in that sleeping dogs were lying without waking. Hmmmm. There are so many other interpretations. But in the end, that one statement actually summed up his nature better than any other observation I could see. In re-reading and proofing this, I have to snort!

My session yesterday opened up all kinds of doors in my mind I'd firmly closed, locked, barricaded, sealed. But! I'm willing to see the irony, the flashing signs, which were always there, I just bought sunglasses to deal with them. I still see humor and that's my sign that life is essentially OK.

Update:
Lots of changes for me digitally. All unwelcome and a bit discouraging, but will try to find that silver lining, glass half full mindset.

Sprint has merged with T Mobile, and the Sprint IP Relay site is now rebranded and slightly different. I can still use it but after a decade of seeing a familiar screen, adjustment is tough.

Google Logins and Passwords has completely erased my list of 112! Curious though, since I had to look up a frequently used password yesterday, entered something from my list. I got a very nice message in small read letters which said: Password changed 8 months ago. EIGHT MONTHS AGO? Seems this year has been gobbled up by depression. OK, so be it. I knew I had to address my lapses and now I really do.

WARNING: VENTING
Next SNAFU: My primary credit card has been rebranded and I was taken to a new log in page. (It took 2 tries for the password reset mail to reach me). So, when it finally did, I was taken to a page which showed only 2 fields. New Password and Confirm Password. After I carefully wrote my 10 digit one on paper, typed slowly, the next result was a new page which said, with a RED BOX at the top, OLD PASSWORD incorrect. I did it twice. And since the genius who made that page will never hear my frustration, HELLO SWEETHEART, GET YOUR STUFF Two GETH ER! So I had to call their multi-layered 888 number and after going down 3 sub menus finally got a living person with two working brain cells.

I attempted to explain the problem, but alas our time was better spent on the temporary code. I got in, logged out, logged in again then bookmarked.

The final straw was actually earlier this AM, but moving the chronology to the top, so illustration purposes. I am paying for a Paramount + subscription and one of the shows I watch is under this umbrella. Season 6 is available, but despite being logged in, it shows I have to pay!!!! Since it's Amazon, getting actual help is like going to another country without a passport. I'll wait a couple days and see if it pans out.

END OF VENT

Ending on a happy note, I went out, got an RX walked to my car, (after a 20 minute phone call to set it up) I bought 12 cans of canned fruit, 8 peaches, 4 pears on sale-360 Organic brand.

BeeKeeper, just dropping in to say hi.  :wave:
Not Alone

bookmarking some of those pages sounds like a great idea.  thanks for sharing.  i want to keep that in mind.  it sounds really helpful.  sending love and some violets with their cheery little faces.

Oh all those tech and password challenges make me feel like hyperventilating just reading about them!

Good morning!

Not Alone Hey, thanks for dropping in.
san, those violets do indeed have happy faces, created for cheering up!
Armee, I feel the same hyper-ventilation. Often.

My apologies for allowing free rein of digital frustrations yesterday, it built up until a mini-explosion. It's not in any realm different than what people deal with daily, so excuse the digression!

October 9

My big goal for today is to make banana bread AND molasses cookie dough. I have made little preparations to pull it off. The cookie dough will be refrigerated for a day, so planning on baking tomorrow. Earlier this week, I got fluffy white bread (a no-no) to make French toast and added lots of molasses, which reminded me how much I love those cookies. IMO only bread which contains no white wheat flour is worthy. Plus, I require at least 7-9 added grains and seeds. (Love the crunch!)

I unexpectedly found myself drawn to the containers where I store my previously finished necklaces. There are a few pieces that I've reworked over the years and now want to rework yet again! This time, with some new clasps, which I'm buying from the person who made the KumiPlanner site. http://www.lythastudios.com/123bead/kumiplanner.html (http://www.lythastudios.com/123bead/kumiplanner.html) She's got a robust inventory and is now one of the top sellers, no wonder! Having those magnetic end clasps for my braids set off another purchase, and now I'm feeling motivated. Wow,  at last.

In another unexpected twist, I am reading my rented textbook on Early Civilization, despite dropping the class a week ago. There is a whole chapter devoted to the rise of Christianity. Clifford Backman is the author. His scholarship is excellent and I enjoy reading it. Bottom line, if I had read this one chapter before I spent time in Divinity school 10 years ago, I could have saved myself time. For those readers who may not know, I was raised in a cult and am determined to understand those primary influences in light of reality.

Update: attempting a photo attachment of 2 pans of banana bread. Wow! Not having any loaf pans turned out in my favor. Used shallow pans, and split the batter. Wish I'd thought of this earlier! Not only baked through with no doughy middle spot, but completely outrageously delicious! 

hey, bee,

this is your journal so ranting on anything you find relevant is encouraged.  whatever is messing with your life, no matter what, is totally appropriate to write about.  i personally think getting so of that stuff out here can be a release of pent-up frustration, which is a good thing, no?  please, keep writing whatever bothers you.  like i said, i thought your idea of bookmarking some of those pages was a good idea, and i wouldn't have gotten it if not for you writing it down.  so, thanks again.

your banana bread sounds delicious, and what a clever idea to bake in shallow pans.  well done, you. 

san, Agreed! Journals are for ranting. Bookmarking, uh huh, definitely for me, and depending on your browser, some are easy to configure, some not. The absolute silver lining is now I have to intentionally decide what deserves a bookmark and what can fall by the wayside. I'm letting at least 1/3 to 1/2 go.

The shallow pans were quite the eureka moment. I bought one at a thrift and the other brand new, cause it had a plastic cover. Little did I know they were both the same size.  I feel great eating small pieces of a 1+ inch cake, vs a slice of bread 5 inches high. (rationalization plus!)

October 10

As some of you might know, I've struggled a bit this year, re-entering the forum in late May. After being away for a couple years, I came back after my second surgery and a tumultuous class at college. These were pandemic times after all, and I mistakenly thought my resilience had reached a low ebb. That was true, but more so, I didn't full appreciate I was in a depressive episode which was cautiously treated with tiny doses of an SSRI. My prescriber allowed me full reign to find the right dose, blessing my efforts to withdraw and also to resume. In the past couple of weeks, I've changed my mind about "needing" it and how I can go forward with it, with acceptance.

Looking back from March 2020, I coped quite "well" with chronic anxiety and devised daily ways to soothe myself, even if it was on Twitter. That lasted until January 18, a full 9 months. Then my beloved surgeon had a date with me, and her scalpel. That's when I "fell" again into that hole in the middle of the metaphorical street.

WARNING OF SURGICAL DETAILS Not for the squeamish.
The surgery is called MOHS and involves a skilled person taking small conical pieces of the target area, confirmed beforehand by a biopsy result. Basal cell was my result, after 2 years of growth from a benign status. The area is marked with a felt pen, and the first pass begins. A layer comes off and is taken to another room, frozen and put under a microscope. The patient waits, could be up to 45 minutes. If the cell sample shows cancer cells on the margins (edges), then the process is repeated. For each successive pass, the surgeon goes a bit wider and deeper. I had three passes and at the end, it was down to the bone. There's a fascia between the bone and the last layer, so it was indeed close.

Being trained in surgical photography, I had a great interest in preserving the "evidence" and asked the assistant to take photos on my phone. He did. (Bless his heart!) Then came the wound closure which I dreaded more than the excavation. If there is enough surrounding skin with sufficient elasticity, then all is well. If not, a skin graft must be taken from another part of the body with the similar attributes, color hairlessness, etc. For the nose, normally it's taken from behind the ears! I did not want that due to prior pain with the implant experience. Fortunately for me, I didn't have to have a skin graft, but the tension from pulling the skin on both sides of the nose was at the maximum. Several layers of stitching were performed, the surgery was complete. END OF SURGICAL DETAILS

Pain has been a fairly constant companion, sometimes crashing into my life, sometimes just hanging out at the periphery. The point is that it's come crashing back. Nerves on the surface of the face are numerous and they regenerate at variable speeds. The MOHS on my lip required 3 years. The MOHS on my forehead 5 years. My nose is an upstart with quicker healing, which means intense pain which interferes with wearing glasses, that sit close to the incision. Masks sit right on the incision. I've leave that there.

When surgery is required on my face is, I naturally want sympathy and comfort, people who normally would care, to care. I don't have that. Never did. So it's a long path of stoicism and at times I stumble and fall. The pain has come back to tell me my nerves are growing again, but that means holding my glasses above my nose while I watch things-obviously that doesn't work if I'm typing. This morning, the whole nose surgery came back to memory with more vividness than usual. Not an EF, but explains my taking such a pass on life for the prior 9 months. I've missed my "normal" self, watched as I've slipped away, and rejoiced at those times when I seemed to return. I can feel a small, steady life force seeping back into my brain. a welcome feeling indeed.

The caution for me is not to rush it, push it, "enable it" by reading more (!), doing more or affirming more. Just do it like the Beatles. Let it be.

wow, bee, that's a lot of surgery.  i also had MOHS done nearly 5 yrs. ago.  it's quite the procedure.  i decided against having it stitched up because it was on my scalp and my hair would cover the area.  so far, no relapses.  empathizing with you on all this, especially about pain being a constant companion.  i've just learned to live with it, but i don't necessarily have to go thru recurring attacks on my skin like you've reported.  ugh!  i do feel for you, my dear.

sending you love and a bouquet of blue salvia, which i looked up - it means thinking of you.  i just want you to know that i care.

Thank you san, I like the love expressed by blue salvia, one of my faves. Scalp pain~ argh! but good catch by you and your surgeon!

I was surprised to find an email waiting for me from my former prof. Turns out he held onto my beads and was asking if it was OK to hand them off on Tuesday. That threw me momentarily, since I'd "let him go" already. Even so, I regained composure quickly and replied in a way that felt good.

Having the most normal day I've had in recent memory, finding huge comfort in today, just being and not doing.

Greetings and Happy Monday!

October 11

Day 2 of feeling excellent-may ti continue. I've eliminated a bunch of procrastination projects that have been hanging out for 3 months or more.

1. hand sewed a seam on my insulated window/light blocking inserts with a curved needle no less!
2. finished off both ends of my turquoise braid (that's the tedious part)
3. mended a little nick in a new item when cutting off the tags
4. ate breakfast and cleaned up
5. wrote a letter to a long time friend
6. forced myself to find a needle on my hands and knees which had fallen on the floor
7. called the store which issued my vaccination to change my phone, could not register for my "PASS" without it.
8. learned how to change colors in the Google calendar for "tasks", more options than "events"

Last night I dreamed about san's journal entry! That tells me I should confine reading to the morning hours. Hit a sticky point in the dream and woke up. Even so, was able to fall asleep again quickly. My number 1 strategy is to focus on the here and now safety I experience vs the feelings which swirl around memories. It takes practice though; consistent, steady, daily and nightly.

Yay BeeKeeper for a second day of feeling excellent and for getting so much accomplished. :cheer:

 :yeahthat:

 :hug: Hugs and care for the pain and added complication of glasses and mask landing on area of surgery.

:cheer: for taking care of procrastination projects.

Even small amounts of pain is utterly exhausting and distracting and all I can imagine is that you must be super woman to keep making it through everything. I can sense a tiny bit of how hard these months must have been but of course can't really put myself in your shoes and truly comprehend. I do wish that the current cycle of pain subsides soon and that the care you get here and from the acquaintances in your day to day life help to fill the gap left by those who should care more.

Blueberry thanks for the cheer on my second day of wonderfulness! FYI: in reading your journal, I'm impressed by your pursuit of connection, and also by your boundary with your neighbor in refusing to accept his "gift." I totally agree.

san thank you for your continued support and encouragement.

notalone thank you for the hug and sympathy about the post surgical pain, and for cheering me on in the procrastination busting accomplishments

Armeee thank you for the recognition of how pain drains from my life force. Aw shucks, I'd so like to be super woman, but can't find the darn cape and won't "leave home without it." My foot is now showing signs of slight, temporary weight bearing abilities, so going out and getting a little gap filled today.

October 12                                             * OPJ (other people's journals)  :)

Today's realizations: As I am able to tolerate the distress of memories, more and more are popping up. Now it is mostly caused by a scene from a movie/show, a little innocuous reference I make while responding to OPJ, instead of the old way, which was ruminating in bed at night and causing hyperventilation. I've done quite a bit of modifying my posts lately, so if you read something that I later removed, yeah, your brain was right. Bottom line, I am setting a new limit for myself; no more reading OOTS forum posts past 1:00 PM. This gives me a chance to process well before dream time.

My balanced life continues, with definite signs I'm on the mend. Even with a slight headache, no biggie. Changes in my ability to see humor, feelings of generosity and actions to break procrastination are the fruits of my "better" life.

October 13

Over the weekend I read a chapter on the way Christianity took hold in early Roman society. For those interested, that information is found on academic open source sites.  "Fascinating, just FASCINATING!" (Imagine a Tweety and Sylvester cartoon in which the latter says, with a lisp and saliva spewing out.)  My point is not to discuss religion, but to highlight an action I took Saturday.

The author teaches at Boston University. I sent him "fan mail" even identified it as such in the first paragraph; included compliments about his writing, and a bit of my reactions of surprise.  I often laugh or grin when I read his opinions or comments sprinkled in and credited him with encouraging my new found interest in early history.

For the past 4 years, I've started to write to various people who would not ordinarily be in my orbit, just to say how much their work impacted me. I get responses more often than not! Last night I got his, which was just as good as all the things I enjoy about him. He called me by my first name, followed by a parenthetical phrase, "If I may"  :) Silly and sweet. He told me how the book came to be and that my mail was a day-brightener and spread sunshine. Wow! Most people wrote him angry mails about his comments and opinions and many in academia would hassle him about not being included on his "suggested reading" list. I enjoyed it immensely.

Several days ago while trolling through old bookmarks I landed on a friend's page. We were in band together in junior high and high school. She's now an accomplished "crafts person" in her chosen field. Very smart and very nice, still! So I looked at a recent post, made some comments about her work, my new serger and some common thread we like. She responded immediately and gave me a tip. Yikes! This builds my confidence up and allows me to nurture my every day self which I'm determined to reclaim piece by piece.

congrats on your continued ability to reach out and having that be so rewarding for you.  very cool, bee.

That's awesome! You made his day!

I love that you are reaching out to people like that. Somehow once a bunch of groups found my work contact information and started sending postcards of support for women in my field to me thanking me, and those random cards just made my year(s) and are still plastered to my workspace (the one I haven't been to since march 2020).

I love those things that brighten the lives of giver and receiver.

BeeKeeper, it sounds so much fun to be contacting people in the way that you have, and having such positive reactions back from them! Somehow this feels really inspiring, and a part of me wants to try this out down the road, even though right now I don't have any specific persons in mind. Filing this one away though, it feels like this is a big part of joy in life :)

Hi BeeKeeper,
I hope you're ok.  Sending you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

thinking of you, bee.  hope you're ok.