Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal

[Armee]

Thank you for the gentle support, Rainy.

Bee, thank you for naming what you see. On decent days I see the same. On days like yesterday I see none of it. I need to remember that the feeling is temporary. It may come back often but it isn't permanent.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Armee]

 

I got nice normal(ish) mom today. *? 

She said things like "oh you're so sweet!" And "that's sweet of you." And not in a fake or cutting way. She was open and realistic.

Always on my toes with that one. Just when I start to feel justified in being horrified.

I also talked through with my husband taking time off work. I have a bunch of paid time off saved up but don't want to take it too soon in case things go longer than they are expected to. But my husband said that was ok, to run out of paid leave but still take time off. I protested that i shouldn't take time off before needed and then sit around doing nothing and he listed off all the things I've been doing in addition to working including all the doctors phone calls for my mom and the kids and house stuff. 💛

The best part of therapy was learning how to open up to that guy so he could support me. That's probably the saddest part of CPTSD...having someone so kind and loving and not trusting him and avoiding and isolating from the man who has loved me for 30 years. I'm crying a little right now writing that.

Anyway I think I'll probably try to wrap some stuff up the next few weeks and then cut way back and not take on new things. I have a few things i don't want to let slide. Everything else needs to go.

[rainydiary]

The best part of therapy was learning how to open up to that guy so he could support me. That's probably the saddest part of CPTSD...having someone so kind and loving and not trusting him and avoiding and isolating from the man who has loved me for 30 years.

This part resonated with me a lot.   

[BeeKeeper]

Hey Armee,

It's totally confusing when consistently problematic people act out of their norm.   

This caught my eye: Your withholding credit from yourself~

and then sit around doing nothing and he listed off all the things I've been doing in addition to working including all the doctors phone calls for my mom and the kids and house stuff. 💛

Good thing you have a loving observer who reminds you of your value and worth.

I'm crying a little right now writing that.

And finally, this is the way to embrace it! 

I have a few things i don't want to let slide. Everything else needs to go.

[sanmagic7]

so glad for your loving, caring partner, and even more glad that you're learning to open up to him, let that care and love in.  you so deserve it, armee.  keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs

[Armee]

Thank you Rainy, Bee, and San. It helps a lot to feel your care and understanding. 

I've had a lot of panic this week... that's a bit new to me. I've always dissociated so much that panic wasn't in my repertoire. But my throat muscles have not been much under my control lately and they are clenching so tight breathing has been hard.

I've been busy this past week getting my mom signed up for hospice and keeping other family up to date and dealing with my younger kid melting down about me being gone so much.

The bad part is hospice blindsided me while we were signing paperwork by saying that they could only admit her into hospice care if there were already a plan in place for 24/7 care to activate when needed. And made me sign to legally be her primary caregiver. I can still hire it out but now I'm legally responsbile for her safety and care.

So I spent my whole life feeling responsible for her safety and health but was actually not responsible and was wholly powerless to stop her self harm. I've finally come to grips that that wasn't my job I couldn't keep her safe and it wasn't my job to do that.  And now...it is... but I still can't. She puts  up a battle about the smallest things and does not want even part time caregivers, let alone round the clock care.

The initial panic has settled but that was massively triggering.

I also had to talk to her beloved neighbors and though they are super kind it's really a hurtful thing to have had to do.

And my youngest child is very very upset about me being gone too much.

This week I anticipate at least 3 appointments at my mom's house and a ton of calls to make.

[Blueberry]

The bad part is hospice blindsided me while we were signing paperwork by saying that they could only admit her into hospice care if there were already a plan in place for 24/7 care to activate when needed. And made me sign to legally be her primary caregiver. I can still hire it out but now I'm legally responsbile for her safety and care.

May I be angry at the hospice for you? 
Blindsiding people and forcing them to do something they don't want to is dishonest behaviour imho. It's the type of thing I fear LL doing atm.

I do know that I'm not in the same country as you so laws are likely to be different. I'm pretty sure that in my country you have the right to withdraw from even part of a contract within 14 days, so if you could hire the primary caregiver out within that time, you wouldn't have to be primary caregiver till the end of M's life. But it may of course not be legally possible where you are.

I bet this topic has come up before on https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=37.0

Anyway enough with the suggestions. It may well be that neither of them reflect how you want to deal with this.

I also had to talk to her beloved neighbors and though they are super kind it's really a hurtful thing to have had to do.

I understand how hurtful that would be.
I'm wishing you a protective bubble for the week as you deal with all of this and I also wish you the ability to mobilise your strengths and resiliency when you need them. 

[Armee]

Thanks for the protective bubble and the anger Blueberry! Both helped! I can rescind the document if needed in the future. And I usually stay away from OOTF for the same reason you've mentioned before. Its sometimes a bit too...abrupt or gruff...and sometimes makes me feel worse. It's a good suggestion. I may be over there more in the next month.

I actually feel a good bit better. The hospice social worker called today to get a "social history" for my mom. But she asked something pointedly about how I felt about some safety issues and i opened up a bit even allowing my voice to break a touch and described the history and how painful it is to see these safety issues and feel responsible and helpless and that it had been very upsetting to sign those papers taking legal responsibility.

The social worker said she had a similar history as me and reassured me that these are her choices to make and I am not responsible.

****TW****




Suicide/euthanasia



She also mentioned (before this part of the conversation) that "death with dignity" is a legal option for my mom to choose if she wants. Ethically I am ok with this option if it is what she wants, it seems kinder. But I also don't think my mom has accepted her timeline yet.

But...That was interesting to ponder in terms of how I would take that given my family history.  Is that considered suicide? I guess it's "medically assisted death" ? Is that how is is listed on the death certificate? Why does that matter to me? (I know why)

[sanmagic7]

 

[Armee]

I dissociated at and after therapy tonight. It's been several weeks since that has happened. And it kicked in just now writing this maybe from trying to remember or figure out how or why it happened.

Part of it was my T sort of gently but intentionally brought up some stuff not related to my mom that I thought would safely take a back seat for awhile. He said it came up from last session but he didn't want to go into it then because I was...i forget what word he used...but i think he was saying things were too intense already with the hospice stuff and the legal paperwork. So I'm not sure what he saw or what I said or did that brought it up and that stuff always worries me, when I'm unaware.

But then we switched to the "safe" predictable mom topic and he was saying something that seemed innocuous I don't remember what and my brain just whooshed me away in a split second. It's been awhile since the dissociation was so sudden and strong.

I'm trying to be gentle though with myself. I really like what I read in someone's post today...I don't even remember who...but it was about fixing up a bedroom nice for themselves because the traumatized little girl deserved a nice room after everything she'd been through. That was such a sweet gesture and way of thinking about it that I'm going to try to bring some of that compassion to how i treat myself too.

On the mom front I was there for about 2 hrs today meeting with the nurse and spiritual counselor. It's interesting that not that long ago I couldn't be near her even outside and now I am ok and not having those strong reactions. I think it's not feeling in danger anymore because this is almost over. I can't be hurt anymore.

I've talked to my bosses today and yesterday and they are fully supportive of me taking time off (of course). I work closely with one senior manager who knows me well on a friend and work level, and he knows how intolerable and painful praise is. The other i work with more but we don't know each other as well. She sort of knows I don't like public praise, but doesn't know how bad it is even in private. Like she must think I'm just humble.

So I'm telling her today why I need to take time off and she just started telling me of course and especially with someone like me who works so hard and contributes so much etc etc etc. laying on the praise and appreciation. I noticed how strange it is I can sit there and tell her my mom is dying and be totally fine, but when she started praising me my head dropped and I started digging into my skin to stop the pain until she moved on from the praise.

There's work to be done there and it goes beyond confidence.

[woodsgnome]

I used to be hard on myself  for dissociating too much. Until my T responded once by noting that dissociation is perfectly normal and natural for someone from a traumatic background.

Until then, I'd always felt so guilty afterwards and/or just upset. And yet, as she calmly noted -- of course this happens. Plus there's no reason to jump all over myself about it. It was all part of being myself, but she nudged me towards accepting that aspect of my recovery.

Good that you've been getting understanding from your bosses about you situation. Also hope you've found some peace within the hospice setting -- I feel close to that as I once worked in hospice care.

I hope you won't forget your self-care. This is always good, of course, but seems like it's especially important now. 

[Hope67]

Hi Armee,
I wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok   
Hope 

[Armee]

Thanks for the hug San and Hope, it's just right. 

Woodsgnome, thank you for the reassuring words about dissociation. When I've been able to adopt that attitude is when I've made the most progress with dissociation.

-----

Things are bad in terms of PTSD triggers and pain and  anxiety and stress and insomnia.

I'm trying not to think or ruminate or solve but my body is reacting anyway in unignorable ways that keep me from sleeping and in pain and worried that I am making myself sick.

At least I have started wrapping up at work and have taken care of family leave act paperwork so I will probably be done with work around Sept 1 and at least won't have that preventing sleep and self care.

TW....anxious spinning....


The trigger of having signed the primary caregiver paperwork has gotten worse. My mom falls a lot. She hides it but after she fell out of bed and lied on the floor for 3 hrs refused to tell her lifeline system she accidentally texted my aunt for help trying to reach her neighbor who is complicit in hiding these things from us. I reported the fall to hospice.  Hospice social work said if she keeps refusing precautions they would have to call adult protective services as a CYA measure.

Problem is I signed to be legally responsible for her care which was required to get her into hospice care at her home. So if adult protective services is called she is no longer self-neglecting...I am neglectful. So then I try to wrap myself around what to do.

Do I revoke the paperwork? If I do, my mom will see it no matter what I say as proof I don't want to help her and won't help her and will push me away and play the victim and I will feel like garbage for not helping my mom in her dying days and will turn the blame on myself for not handling the situation right, delicately enough. I can logically say it's not my fault but emotionally, no. This is all the core trauma in the first place.

[woodsgnome]

Offering you a supportive hug --